Original subtitles

♪ I GOTCHA WITH MY WINNING SMILE ♪

♪ I'M A LIVING LESSON IN FLAIR AND STYLE ♪

♪ YOU JUST CAN'T HELP BUT STARE AT MY SAVOIR-FAIRE ♪

♪ I'M NOUVEAU, DECO, ROMAN-GRECO, ♪

♪ ROCOCO, BARROCO, ♪

♪ BE-BOP, HIP-HOP, FLIP-FLOP ♪

♪ SOMEBODY STOP ME ♪

♪ PRETTY VIRIDIAN FACES LIKE MINE ♪

♪ DON'T COME A DIME A DOZEN ♪

♪ I STAND OUT OF THE CROWD ♪

♪ BABE, WHEN THEY MADE ME, YEAH, THEY BROKE THE MOLD ♪

♪ WHOLESOME AND KIND, STAID AND REFINED, ♪

♪ TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND ♪

♪ ARCH-VILLAINS AND NE'ER-DO-WELLS ♪

♪ HAD BETTER LEARN TO DECORATE PRISON CELLS ♪

♪ GREEN GOES WITH ANYTHING IF THEY ASK, SEE ♪

♪ WELL THERE'S ONE LAST THING I GOTTA SING ABOUT ♪

♪ OPEN UP WIDE AND REALLY SHOUT ♪

♪ OHHHH... LOOK OUT ♪

♪ THIS IS THE MASK ♪

♪ SSSSMOKIN' ♪♪

♪

SWEDISH KARAOKE NIGHT AT THE COCOA BONGO.

FIRST, I WIN THE PRIZE TONIGHT, THEN EAT A CHIMICHANGO.

CAN THIS BOY SING, OR WHAT?

PIPE DOWN IN THERE, IPKISS!

YOU'RE MAKING MY AFRICAN VIOLETS DROOP!

THAT'S NOT ALL THAT'S DROOPING ON THE OLD BAG.

MM-MM-MM, I TELL YA, POOCH.

EVERYBODY'S A CRITIC.

BUT APPEARANCE-WISE,

THIS BOY DEFINITELY GETS TWO THUMBS UP!

ONLY ONE THING MISSING TO COMPLETE THE ENSEMBLE:

MY LUCKY FEATHER.

YEAH, SHE CAME INTO MY LIFE, ONE VERY SPECIAL EVENING.

BROUGHT ME LUCK EVER SINCE.

AND TONIGHT WILL BE NO EXCEPTION!

AND THE WINNER OF OUR SWEDISH KARAOKE CONTEST:

OOH, THE MASK!

STUCK A FEATHER IN HIS CAP AND CALLED IT: SMOKIN'!

THERE NOW... COMFY, ARE WE?

HOW ABOUT SOME RAP MUSIC TO UNWIND WITH?

HEY!

OH, I GET IT.

RAP'S NOT YOUR BAG, HUH, GIRLFRIEND?

WELL, MAYBE SOME EASY LISTENING, THEN.

THAT'S RIGHT: IT'S THE MASK'S GREATEST HITS.

ALL MASK, ALL THE TIME.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

OH, MRS. P, OH, MRS. P, HOW UGLY ARE YOUR CURLERS.

BETTER USE THESE.

WOULDN'T WANT TO DISTURB THE NEIGHBORS.

AARGH!

ENJOY, MILADY.

AND I USE THE TERM LOOSELY.

TIME CHECK?

AT THE TONE, THE TIME WILL BE... AH, GOOD.

PLENTY OF TIME!

NOW, ON TO THE COCOA-

HMM, SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT HERE.

SHOES SHINY, SUIT ZOOTY, HAT JAUNTY, FEATHER... GONEY!

MY LUCKY FEATHER!

WORRY NOT, OH FEATHER.

I SHALL RETURN YOU TO YOUR TETHER!

NOW I'VE HEARD OF CRUST THAT'S LIGHT AS A FEATHER,

BUT OOH-HOO, THIS HERE IS "PLUME" RIDICULOUS!

LUCKILY, I'M KEEPING AN EYE OUT

FOR THAT LITTLE OL' FEATHER OF MINE.

WHATEVER YOU'RE BAKING, I'M TAKING!

HEY, HEY, HEY, BUDDY, I WAS HERE FIRST.

OH, SURE, NO PROBLEM... SORRY.

SAY, EVER SEEN ANYBODY DO THIS?

I THINK I JUST LOST MY APPETITE.

COMPLIMENTARY BARF BAG?

AND NOW, TO RETRIEVE MY PRECIOUS LITTLE...

COME BACK HERE, YOU!

HELLO, POLICE?

I WANNA REPORT A PIZZA-NAPPING.

WELL, IT WAS GREEN.

GREEN, HUH?

SAY NO MORE.

SO YOU'RE FILING

AN "INTENT TO KILL WITH REALLY BAD MUSIC"

COMPLAINT?

IT'S A NEW ONE ON ME, BUT OKAY.

YOU CAN'T MISS HIM.

HE'S GREEN.

DOYLE, I'VE HAD IT WITH THAT GREEN FREAK GOING AROUND

DISRUPTING THE LIVES OF HONEST CITIZENS.

- UH, LIEUTENANT? - TONIGHT, I'M TAKING HIM DOWN.

I FEEL LUCKY.

WELL, IF YOU SAY SO, LIEUTENANT.

♪

AS MAYOR OF EGG CITY,

I TAKE GREAT PRIDE IN DECLARING TOMORROW BAVARIA-VILLE DAY.

WITH MY SIGNATURE, EGG CITY'S OLDEST DISTRICT

WILL BECOME THE EXCLUSIVE PRETZEL SUPPLIER

TO ALL EGG CITY FILM FESTIVALS, POLO TOURNAMENTS,

AND WIENERSCHNITZEL STANDS.

FRITZ... FRITZ... IT'S THE MAYOR.

HURRY, OR YOU'LL MISS HIM!

WHAT A CUTIE.

OOH, IF I WERE FIVE YEARS YOUNGER, RUFF!

TODAY, I SPEAK FOR EVERY EGG CITY CITIZEN WHEN I SAY,

"ICH BEN EIN BAVARIA-VILLE"

PEN... I NEED A PEN.

BUT SIR, AS YOU MAY RECALL, AFTER YOU HOSTED THAT BIG BASH

FOR THE BEAUTY CONTEST WINNERS, THERE WASN'T ENOUGH

MONEY LEFT OVER FOR BASIC OFFICE SUPPLIES.

IX-NAY ON THE ASH-BAY.

WE'VE GOT TV. CAMERAS ROLLING.

NOW GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WRITE WITH!

YES, SIR.

I'M CHECKING, BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO...

PERFECT!

IF A QUILL WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE FOUNDING FATHERS,

THEN IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU... YOU'RE TOO KIND.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S JUST A FEATHER.

WELL, IT'S MY LUCKY FEATHER.

BUT REALLY, YOU ARE TOO KIND.

MAYOR OR NOT, NOBODY JILTS COOKIE VAVOOM

AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!

MR. MAYOR, IT'S THAT STRIP... EXOTIC DANCER YOU WERE DATING.

GET HER OUT OF HERE BEFORE SHE RUINS

MY WHOLESOME IMAGE!

OUT OF MY WAY, PIPSQUEAK!

BUT MS. VAVOOM, YOU CAN'T JUST-

OH, CAN'T I?

GRRR, DYNO-MITE!

THAT'S RIGHT, TWO MEGATONS WORTH.

IF I CAN'T HAVE MORTIMER, THEN NO ONE CAN!

COOKIE, LET'S BE REASONABLE HERE.

YOU BLEW ME OFF.

NOW I'M GONNA BLOW YOU AWAY!

MY REVENGE!

MY WORD!

MY FEATHER!

SHE'S GOT DYNAMITE!

SNAP TO, SMIDLEY!

DISARM HER!

ON MY SALARY?

I DON'T EVEN GET OVERTIME, YOU CHEAPSKATE!

UGH... MUST I DO EVERYTHING IN THIS TOWN?

KISS YOUR CONSTITUENCY GOODBYE, MORTIMER!

UH-UH-UH!

NOW THEN, OUR SPECIAL TODAY IS THE BIKINI COCKTAIL.

HOW DO YOU FANCY YOURS, MAYOR?

SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED?

STRAIGHT UP?

I PREFER MINE WITH A TWIST!

FREEZE, YOU UGLY WASTE OF OXYGEN!

YOU HEARD HIM, SISTER.

AYE... OH, MY!

LADY, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

SAY, DON'T I KNOW YOU FROM TRAFFIC SCHOOL?

A MONSTER!

A MONSTER WITH THE MAYOR.

AND I'll JUST BET HE'S GREEN.

GET OFF ME, YOU IDIOT.

WE'VE GOT AN ARREST TO MAKE.

PARDON ME.

EXCUSE ME!

♪

HANG ON, OH FEATHER OF MINE!

PAPA'S COMING!

GASP!

WHAT A REVOLTING DEVELOPMENT!

♪

IT IS TIME.

I, CRISCO, THE WORLD'S GREATEST PERFORMANCE ARTISTE,

AM ABOUT TO CREATE MY MOST IMPORTANT WORK!

HERE, HERE.

ABSOLUTELY!

YOU KNOW, THIS IS MORE THAN ART.

IT'S SMART!

REMEMBER CRISCO'S LAST INSTALLMENT

AT THE SEWAGE RECOVERY PLANT?

WHAT A PUNGENT STATEMENT!

UTILIZING THE MEDIUM OF TAR AND FEATHERS,

I, CRISCO,

CHALLENGE YOU TO GAZE AT YOUR OWN VACANT SOUL.

STARE AND BLINKING IT UP INTO THE BIG RED EYE

OF YOUR EMPTY LIVES.

OH, IMAGERY!

FLATTERY!

OVER MIND-NUMBING INCONSEQUENCEINCONSQUENCE!

AH, TO BE THIS ARTISTIC.

OH, MY!

- AMAZING! - THAT'S WONDERFUL!

HEY!

THAT'S MY FEATHER ON YOUR RUMP, CHUMP!

YOUR FEATHER?

MY ART BELONGS TO POSTERITY!

YEAH... WELL, YOUR POSTERIOR BELONGS TO ME!

PREPARE TO BE UNDONE, SIR!

TAKE THAT, AND ANOTHER, AND ONE MORE, YET!

OUCH, OUCHIE, OW!

OH, YOU'RE MEAN.

STOP IT WITH THAT, NOT THERE!

LOOK, THAT GREEN CREATURE IS PLUCKING CRISCO.

JUST AS MONETARY GREED PLUCKS AT MAN'S SOUL.

WHAT SYMBOLISM, WHAT GENIUS!

WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FEATHER?

YOU GOT IT ALL GUNKED UP.

♪

♪

SUNDAY DRIVER!

♪

COME TO FATHER, LITTLE FEATHER DUDE!

GOTCHA!

THIS IS LIKE TOTALLY RAD AND EGREGIOUSLY TUBULAR, I MUST SAY.

UH-OH, SOMETHING GNARLY IS ABOUT TO TRANSPIRE, MOON DOGGIE.

AH-OOH-GA!

THAR' SHE BLOWS!

SWALLOWED BY TEN TONS OF BLUBBER,

IN SERIOUS DANGER OF MISSING MY KARAOKE CONTEST.

WELL, IT DOESN'T GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS.

MAYBE I SPOKE TOO SOON.

WALTER?

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE, ANYWAY?

YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.

EN GARDE!

FEEL THE WRATH OF MY FEATHER!

HMM, NO REACTION.

THE SITUATION GROWS LESS TICKLISH BY THE MINUTE.

♪

AH-CHOO!

♪

WOW.

WAH-HOO!

DON'T MIND ME.

I'll BE OUT OF YOUR HAIR IN A JIFF.

SHOULDN'T HAVE MENTIONED HAIR TO A BALD EAGLE.

HEY, WORM BREATH!

GIVE THAT BACK!

THIS CALLS FOR EGGS-TREME MEASURES.

♪

MAMA!

MWAH!

OH, DON'T YOU WORRY, MA.

I'll WRITE YOU EVERY DAY.

AND NOW, MY PRECIOUS FEATHER,

ONWARD TO VICTORY IN THE KARAOKE CONTEST.

YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO!

YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO, YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO!

YODEL-AY-HEE-HA!

YODEL-AY, YODEL-AY, YODEL-AY HEE-HOO!

♪

THERE, THERE... THAT IS THE SAVAGE!

HE RUINED MY PERFORMANCE WITH HIS PLUCKAGE.

RUINED IT, RUINED IT!

AW, GEE, WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU PUT ON A REAL NICE SHOW.

LISTEN, PAL.

THERE'S NO WAY WHAT YOU DO COULD BE CALLED A PERFORMANCE.

MR. TONY BENNETT: NOW THAT'S A PERFORMER!

ALL UNITS, COME IN ALL UNITS.

PLEASE BE ADVISED OF AN AVALANCHE IN PROGRESS

OFF MOUNT SUMMERY CLIFF.

AVALANCHE?

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE WITH THOSE PRETZEL-TWISTERS

OVER IN BAVARIA-VILLE.

WITNESSES HAVE REPORTED SOMETHING GREEN

AT THE CORE OF THE AVALANCHE.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

GREEN, HUH?

COME ON, DOYLE, LET'S MOVE!

YOU MIGHT WANNA STOP BACK AT THE PRECINCT FIRST,

LIEUTENANT.

YEAH, GUESS THAT TAR'S PRETTY STICKY STUFF, HUH?

WHAT?

♪

BRRR.

SOMEBODY THAW ME!

AAH, YOU!

THE MONSTER.

THE MONSTER FROM THE TELEVISION!

LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MEIN HOUSE!

STOP THE MONSTER, STOP THE MONSTER!

GET HIM, GET HIM!

WELL, SO NICE OF YOU TO SEND OUT THE WELCOME WAGON.

BUT, UH...

AAH!

THERE'S NEVER AN ABANDONED WINDMILL AROUND

WHEN YOU NEED ONE!

WELL, ALMOST NEVER.

IT'S FUSS, THE MONSTER.

HE'S A MONSTER, ALL RIGHT... A MONSTROUS PAIN IN MY GUT.

COME ON, DOYLE.

COME ON!

THEY'VE GOT HIM CORNERED IN THE OLD WINDMILL.

WHO IS IT?

ANGRY, SEETHING MOB!

TELL HIM THIS: I GAVE AT THE OFFICE.

BOY, ARE YOU PEOPLE PUSHY!

GOTTA DO SOMETHING QUICK... THINK.

THINK, THINK, THINK, THINK, THINK.

I'VE GOT IT!

'TIS BUT ONE WAY TO HANDLE AN UNRULY MOB SUCH AS THIS:

WITH SNACKAGES!

GOOD CITIZENS OF BAVARIA-VILLE,

AND ASSORTED OTHERS, LEND ME YOUR EARS.

I ASKED FOR THAT, DIDN'T I?

THERE IS MUCH RAGE IN YOUR HEARTS.

THERE IS MUCH BILE IN YOUR LIVER.

BUT NOW, LET THERE BE S'MORES IN YOUR STOMACHS!

HEY, HEY, HI THERE.

YOU MIND IF I PLAY THROUGH?

ALL RIGHT, MASK, IT'S OVER.

YOU'RE COMING DOWNTOWN.

SHH... QUIET ON THE GREEN.

HE'S RIGHT, LIEUTENANT.

THEY GOT RULES, YOU KNOW?

DOYLE!

FORE!

YOU KNOW, I GOTTA WORK ON THAT SLICE.

I HAD HIM, DOYLE.

HE WAS THIS CLOSE, AND HE SLIPPED AWAY.

YEAH, I REALLY WANTED TO GET THIS RECIPE.

AND THE WINNER OF TONIGHT'S KARAOKE CONTEST IS,

HMM, LET ME SEE HERE...

WITHOUT MY GLASSES THIS IS DIFFICULT.

AAH, AAH!

I'M ALLERGIC.

THE WINNER!

LIKE I SAID, LUCKY!

♪