All language subtitles for Monty.Pythons.The.Meaning.of.Life.1983.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

NARRATOR: In the bleak days
of 1983,

as England languished
in the doldrums of
a ruinous monetarist policy,

the good, loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company,

a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times,

strained under the yoke
of their oppressive new
corporate management.

MAN: Terrible.
Really terrible.

MAN: Row!

That's it, Evans.
You're fired.

You heard me. Out.

Did you hear that?
He's been sacked.

Sacked?

Sacked? Come on, boys.
Let's get at 'em.

(MEN CLAMORING)

MAN: Hey!

Come on! Come on!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(MAN GROANING)

MAN: Let me out of here!

MAN 2: I demand
to see my lawyer!

(MEN LAUGHING)

Tooley! Come on.

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

Quiet! Silence!

Now, lads, let's move.

You, you and you,
break open the weapons.

You, you and you,
into the rigging.

And you, put the kettle on.
Aye, sir.

(EXCLAIMING)

There, there, Charles.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(SCREAMING)

Sorry!

Come on, Tooley.
This way!

Weigh the anchor!

Weigh the anchor.

(BUBBLING)

NARRATOR: And so,
The Crimson
Permanent Assurance

was launched
upon the high seas
of international finance.

Come on, boy.
Watch it. Route. Route!

Cup of tea, dear?
Hey, Captain!

Look! To starboard!

NARRATOR: There it lay,
the prize they sought.

Hard to starboard!

NARRATOR: A financial district
swollen with multinationals,
conglomerates,

and fat, bloated
merchant banks.

All right, lads,
battle stations!

Come on! Move it!
Move it!
Move it!

(EXCLAIMING)

All right, then.
That's enough.
Take cover.

Down, down! Get down!

(SQUEAKING)

Down, down.

(SHUSHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(BOTH GASPING)

Hard to starboard!

Fire!

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMING)

Eric! My balance sheets!

Ross! Get the readouts!

Stop him!
Eric!

Thanks!
MAN: Charge!

Come on! Grab it!

No, no! Let me! Let me!
Okay, Kane.

Cudgelled!

Gotcha!

You bastard!

(GROANING)

(MAN GRUNTING)

Take this.

(GROANING)

Here. File this.

Shit!

(SCREAMING)

NARRATOR: And so, heartened
by their initial success,

the desperate
and reasonably violent men
of The Permanent Assurance

battled on until,

as the sun set
slowly in the west,

the outstanding returns on
their bold business venture

became apparent.

Once-proud financial giants

lay in ruins,

their assets stripped,

their policies in tatters.

CAPTAIN: Full speed ahead,
Mr. Cohen!

MEN: (SINGING)
Up, up, up your premium
Up, up, up your premium

Scribble away
And balance the books

Scribble away
But balance the books

It's fun to charter
an accountant

And sail the wide
accountancy

To find,
explore the funds offshore

And skirt the shoals
of bankruptcy

It can be manly in insurance

We'll up your premium
semiannually

It's all tax-deductible
We're fairly incorruptible

Sailing on
the wide accountancy

Sail away...
NARRATOR:
And so, they sailed off

into the ledgers of history,

one by one,
the financial capitals
of the world

crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.

Or so it would have been,

if certain modern theories
concerning
the shape of the world

had not proved
to be disastrously wrong.

Morning.
Morning.

Morning.

Morning.
Morning.

What's new?
Not much.

Morning!
Good morning! Morning!

Morning!
Morning!

Frank was just asking
what's new.
Was he?

Yes.

Hey, look.

Howard's being eaten.
Is he?

Makes you think,
doesn't it?
Hmm.

I mean, what's it all about?
Beats me.

(SINGING) Why are we here

What's life all about

Is God really real

Or is there some doubt

Well, tonight
we're going to sort it all out

For tonight
it's The Meaning of Life

What's the point
of all this hoax

Is it the chicken
and the egg time

Are we just yolks

Or perhaps we're just one
of God's little jokes

Well, ça, c'est
le meaning of life

Is life just a game

Where we make up the rules

While we're searching
for something to say

Or are we just
simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA

Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay

What is life
What is our fate

Is there heaven and hell

Do we reincarnate

Is mankind evolving
or is it too late

Well, tonight
here's The Meaning of Life

(LIGHTNING CRACKING)

For millions

This life
is a sad vale of tears

Sitting round
with really nothing to say

While scientists say

We're just
simply spiraling coils

Of self-replicating DNA

Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay

So just why
Why are we here

And just what

What, what, what do we fear

Well, ce soir for a change

It will all be made clear

For this is
The Meaning of Life

C'est le sens de la vie

This is The Meaning of Life

NARRATOR: Part one.
The miracle of birth.

One thousand and eight!

Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.

Good. Take her into
the fetus frightening room.

Right.

Jolly good.

It's a bit bare
in here today,
isn't it?

Yes.
Yes. More apparatus,
please, Nurse.

The EEG, the BP monitor
and the AVV.
Certainly, Doctor.

And get the machine
that goes "ping."

And get the most expensive
machines in case
the administrator comes.

That's it. Bring it in.
Bring it right here.
Behind me.

Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better.

That's much, much better.
Yes, that's more like it.

Still something
missing, though.

Hmm?
Hmm.

Patient.
Patient, yes.

Where's the patient? Patient!
Anyone seen the patient?

(EXCLAIMS)

Here she is.
DOCTOR:
Bring it over here.

Mind the machines!
Sorry, Doctor.

Come along!

Come along.
Jump on it.

Hello.
Now don't you worry.
We'll soon have you cured.

Leave it all to us.
You'll never know
what hit you.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Drips up.
Injections.

Can I put the tube
in the baby's head?

Only if I can
do the episiotomy.

Okay.
Thank you.

Legs up.

Oh, come in.
Come on in, all of you.
That's it. Jolly good.

Come on.
Come along.
Spread round there.

Who are you?
I'm the husband.

I'm sorry.
Only people involved
are allowed in here.

What do I do?
Yes?

What do I do?
Nothing, dear.
You're not qualified.

Leave it to us.
What's that for?

That's the machine
that goes "ping."

(PINGING)

You see? That means
your baby is still alive.

And that's the most
expensive machine
in the whole hospital.

Yes, it cost over
three-quarters
of a million pounds.

Aren't you lucky?

The administrator
is here, Doctor.

Switch everything on.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning. Morning, gentlemen.
Morning.

MAN 1: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
MAN 2: Mr. Pycroft.

Oh, very impressive,
very impressive.

And what are you doing
this morning?
It's a birth.

And what sort of thing
is that?

Well, that's when
we take a new baby
out of a lady's tummy.

(MACHINE PINGING)
Wonderful what we
can do nowadays.

I see you have the machine
that goes "ping."
This is my favorite.

You see, we lease this
back from the company
we sold it to,

and that way, it comes under
the monthly current budget
and not the capital account.

Thank you, thank you.
We try to do our best.
Well, do carry on.

Oh, the vulva's
dilating, Doctor.
Oh, yes, there's the head.

Yes, four centimeters,
five, six centimeters.

Lights!
Amplify the ping machine.

Masks up!
Suction!

Eyes down
for a full house!

Here it comes.

(BABY CRYING)
And frighten it.

Thank you.
And the rough towels!

Show it to the mother.
That's enough.

Right. Sedate her.
Number the child.

Measure it,
blood-type it
and isolate it.

Okay, show's over.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Is it a boy or a girl?

I think it's a little early
to start imposing roles
on it, don't you?

Now, a word of advice.
You may find that
you suffer for some time,

a totally irrational
feeling of depression,
PND, as we doctors call it.

So, it's lots of
happy pills for you,

and you can find out
all about the birth
when you get home.

It's available on BetaMax,
VHS and Super 8.

(MACHINE PINGING)

NARRATOR:
The miracle of birth,
part two. The third world.

(DOG BARKING)

(BIRD CAWING)

Oh, bloody hell.

(CRYING)

Oh, get it,
would you, Deidre?
All right, Mum.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Now whose teatime is it?
ALL: Mine!

Come on.
Out you go.

Now, Vincent, Tessa,
Valerie, Janine,

Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,

Michael, Evadne,
Alice, Dominique and Sasha,
it's your bedtime.

(CHILDREN GROANING)

Now don't argue!

Laura, Alfred, Nigel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda...

Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.

Oh, quick.
Go and get the others in,
Gordon.

The mill's closed.
There's no more work.

(CHILDREN MURMURING)
We're destitute.

Come in, my little loves.
I've got no option
but to sell you all

for scientific experiments.

No, no, that's the way it is,
my loves.

Blame the Catholic Church

for not letting me
wear one of those
little rubber things.

Oh, they've done
some wonderful things
in their time.

They've preserved the might
and majesty, even mystery
of the Church of Rome,

and the sanctity of
the sacrament, the indivisible
oneness of the Trinity,

but if they'd let me
wear one of those
little rubber things

on the end of my cock,

we wouldn't be in the mess
we are now.

Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?

Not if we're going
to remain members

of the fastest-growing
religion in the world, my boy.

He's right.
You see, we believe...

Well, let me put it like this.

(SINGING)
There are Jews in the world

There are Buddhists

There are Hindus
and Mormons and then

There are those
that follow Mohammed

But I've never been
one of them

I'm a Roman Catholic

And have been since
before I was born

And the one thing
they say about Catholics

Is they'll take you
as soon as you're warm

You don't have
to be a six-footer

You don't have to
have a great brain

You don't have to
have any clothes on

You're a Catholic
the moment Dad came

Because

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

CHILDREN: (SINGING)
Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Let the heathens spill theirs

On the dusty ground

God shall make them pay

For each sperm
that can't be found

Every sperm is wanted

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighborhood

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon

Spill theirs just anywhere

But God loves those who treat

Their semen with more care

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets quite irate

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is good
Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

MEN: In your neighborhood

Every sperm is useful

Every sperm is fine

God needs everybody's

Mine
And mine

And mine

Let the pagans spill theirs

O'er mountain, hill and plain

God shall strike them down

For each sperm
that's spilt in vain

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is good

Every sperm is needed

In your neighborhood

Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

If a sperm is wasted

God gets

Quite irate

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

So you see my problem,
little ones.

I can't keep you all here
any longer.

BOY: Speak up!

I can't keep you all here
any longer!

God has blessed us
so much I can't afford
to feed you anymore.

Couldn't you have
your balls cut off?

It's not as simple
as that, Nigel.
God knows all.

He'd see through
such a cheap trick.

What we do to ourselves,
we do to Him.

You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.

(CHILDREN CLAMORING)

No. Children,
I know you're
trying to help,

but believe me,
me mind's made up.

I've given this long
and careful thought,

and it has to be
medical experiments
for the lot of you.

(CHILDREN GROANING)

(SINGING SADLY)
Every sperm is sacred

Every sperm is great

Look at them.
Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world up

with bloody people
they can't afford
to bloody feed.

What are we, dear?
Protestant,
and fiercely proud of it.

Well, why do they have
so many children?

Because every time
they have sexual intercourse,
they have to have a baby.

But it's the same
with us, Harry.
What do you mean?

Well, I mean
we've got two children,

and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.

That's not the point.
We could have it
any time we wanted.

Really?
Oh, yes. And what's more,

because we don't believe
in all that Papist claptrap,

we can take precautions.

What, you mean
lock the door?

No, no. I mean because
we are members of the
Protestant Reformed Church,

which successfully challenged
the autocratic power

of the Papacy
in the mid-sixteenth century,

we can wear
little rubber devices
to prevent issue.

What do you mean?

I could, if I wanted,
have sexual intercourse
with you.

Oh, yes, Harry.

And by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,

I could ensure that
when I came off,
you would not be impregnated.

Ooh!
That's what being
a Protestant's all about.

That's why
it's the church for me.

That's why
it's the church for anyone

who respects the individual
and the individual's right

to decide for him
or herself.

When Martin Luther
nailed his protest
up to the church door in 1517,

he may not have realized
the full significance
of what he was doing

but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,

I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.

And Protestantism
doesn't stop at
the simple condom. Oh, no!

I can wear French Ticklers
if I want.
You what?

French Ticklers,
Black Mambos,
Crocodile Ribs...

Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect,

but also to enhance
the stimulation
of sexual congress.

Have you got one?
Have I got one? Well, no,

but I can go down the road
anytime I want
and walk into Harry's

and hold my head up high
and say, in a loud,
steady voice,

"Harry, I want you
to sell me a condom.

"In fact, today I think
I'll have a French Tickler,
for I am a Protestant."

Well, why don't you?
But they, they cannot,

because their church
never made the great leap
out of the Middle Ages

and the domination
of alien Episcopal supremacy.

NARRATOR 2:
But despite the attempts
of Protestants

to promote the idea
of sex for pleasure,

children continue
to multiply everywhere.

NARRATOR:
The Meaning of Life, part two.
Growth and learning.

INSTRUCTOR: And spotteth twice
they the camels
before the third hour.

And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead,

in Kadesh Bilgemath,

by Shor Ethra Regalion,

to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,

he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar,

and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon,

and there,
slew they the goats,

yea, and placed they
the bits in little pots.

Here endeth the lesson.

Let us praise God.

O Lord.
ALL: O Lord.

Ooh! You are so big.

ALL: Ooh! You are so big.

So absolutely huge.

ALL: So absolutely huge.

Gosh, we're all really
impressed down here,
I can tell You.

Gosh, we're all really
impressed down here,
I can tell you.

Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.

ALL: And barefaced flattery.

But you're so strong,

and, well, just so super.

ALL: Fantastic.

Amen, Reverend.
Amen.

Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oil

into the school cormorant.

Now some of you may feel
that the cormorant does
not play an important part

in the life of the school,
but I would remind you

that it was presented to us
by the corporation
of the town of Sudbury,

to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember

the names of all those
from the Sudbury area,

who so gallantly
gave their lives

to keep China British.

So from now on, the cormorant
is strictly out of bounds!

Oh, and, Jenkins,

apparently,
your mother died
this morning.

Chaplain.

ALL: (SINGING)
O Lord, please don't burn us

Don't grill or toast
Your flock

Don't put us on the barbecue

Or simmer us in stock

Don't braise
or bake or boil us

Or stir-fry us in a wok

Oh, please don't
lightly poach us

Or baste us with hot fat

Don't fricassee or roast us

Or boil us in a vat

And please don't
stick thy servants, Lord

In a Rotissomat

(BELL RINGING)

He's coming!

(ALL CLAMORING)

All right, settle down,
settle down.

Now, before
I begin the lesson,
will those of you

who are playing in the match
this afternoon
move your clothes down

onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch,

before you write
your letter home,

if you're not getting
your hair cut, unless
you've got a younger brother,

who's going out this weekend
as the guest of another boy,
in which case,

collect his note before lunch,

put it in your letter
after you have
had your haircut,

and make sure
he moves your clothes down
onto the lower peg for you.

Now...
Sir?

Yes, Wymer?

My younger brother's
going out with Dibble
this weekend, sir.

But I'm not having
my hair cut today,
so do I move my clothes...

I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.

If you're not
getting your hair cut,

you don't have to move
your brother's clothes
down to the lower peg.

You simply collect his note
before lunch,

after you've done
your scripture prep,

when you've written
your letter home before rest,

move your own clothes
onto the lower peg,

greet the visitors
and report to Mr. Viney

that you've had
your chit signed.

Now, sex.

Sex, sex, sex.
Where were we?

Well, had I got as far as

the penis entering the vagina?

No, sir.
No, sir. No, sir.

Well, had I done foreplay?

STUDENTS: Yes, sir.

Ah. Well, as we all know
all about foreplay,

no doubt you can tell me
what the purpose
of foreplay is.

Biggs.

Don't know.
Sorry, sir.

Carter?

Oh, was it taking
your clothes off, sir?

Well, and after that?

Oh, putting them
on a lower peg, sir.

The purpose of foreplay
is to cause the vagina
to lubricate,

so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.

Could we have a window open,
please, sir?

Yes. Harris, will you?

And, of course,
to cause the man's
penis to erect

and harden.

(INHALING)

Now, did I do
vaginal juices last week?

Oh, do pay attention,
Wadsworth!

I know it's Friday.
Watching the football,
are you?

Boy, move over there.
I'm warning you.

I may decide
to set an exam this term.

Oh, sir!
Sir!

So just listen.

Now did I or did I not

do vaginal juices?

STUDENTS: Yes, sir.

Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.

Rubbing the clitoris, sir?

What's wrong
with a kiss, boy? Hmm?

Why not start her off
with a nice kiss?

You don't
have to go leaping

straight for the clitoris
like a bull at a gate.

Give her a kiss, boy.

Suck the nipple, sir?
Good, good. Well done, Wymer.

Stroking the thighs, sir?
Yes, yes.

I suppose so.
Biting the neck.

Yes, good.
Nibbling the earlobe,

kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.

So we have
all these possibilities,

before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Now, all these forms
of stimulation

can now take place.

And, of course, tonguing
will give you the best idea

of how the juices
are coming along.

Helen?
Now, penetration and coitus,

that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.

Ah, hello, dear.
Do stand up when my wife
enters the room, Carter.

Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.

HELEN: Humphrey, I hope
you don't mind.

I told the Garfields
we would dine with
them tonight.

Yes, yes, well,
I suppose we must.

I said we'd be
there by 8:00.

At least
it'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.

I know you don't like them,
but I couldn't make
another excuse.

It's just that I felt...

Wymer, this is
for your benefit.

Would you kindly
wake up?

I've no intention of going
through this all again.

We'll take
the foreplay as read,
if you don't mind, dear.

No, of course not,
Humphrey.

So, the man starts
by entering or mounting
his good lady wife,

in the standard way.

The penis is now,
as you will observe,
more or less fully erect.

There we are,
that's better.

Now, Carter.

Yes, sir?
What is it?

It's an ocarina, sir.
Bring it up here.

The man now starts making
thrusting movements
with his pelvic area,

moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.

Put it there, boy.
Put it there on the table.

While the wife maximizes
her clitoral stimulation
by the shaft of the penis,

by pushing forward.

Thank you, dear.

What's funny, Biggs?

Oh, nothing, sir.

Do, please,
share your little joke
with the rest of us.

I mean, obviously,
something frightfully
funny's going on.

No, honestly, sir.

Well, as it's so funny,

I think you'd
better be selected
to play for the boys' team,

in the rugby match
against the masters
this afternoon.

Oh, no, sir!

(MEN CHEERING)

MAN: Come on, Buster!

(SCREAMING)

Well played, well played.

(GROANS)

(BOYS GROANING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(GROANING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(GUNS FIRING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(GUNFIRE)

(EXPLOSIONS)

NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life,
part three.
Fighting each other.

Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge
and Walters, you take
the buggers on the left flank.

Hordern, Spadger and I
will go for the gun post.

Hang on, 68.

You'll never make it,
let us come with you.
Do as you're told, man.

Righto, Skipper.
Oh, sir, sir?

(STAMMERING)
If we don't
meet again, sir.

I'd just like to say
it's been a real privilege
fighting alongside you, sir.

Yes, well, this is
hardly the time or place
for a goodbye speech, eh?

Me and the lads
realize that, sir, but, well,
we may never meet again, so...

Yes, all right, Blackitt.
Thanks a lot.

No, just a moment, sir.

Me and the lads,
we've had a little
whip-around, sir.

We've bought you
something, sir.
We bought you this, sir.

Oh! Well, it...
I don't know what to say.

It's a lovely thought.
Thank you.
Thank you all.

But I think
we'd better get to cover...

(EXPLOSIONS)

We've got something else
for you as well, sir.

Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit
of a mix-up.

Walters thought
he was buying a present

and Spadger and I
had already got
the other one.

Well, it's beautiful,
they're both beautiful.

(GUN FIRING)

I think we'd better
get to cover now.

I'll thank you properly
later on.

Corporal Sturridge got this
for you as well, sir.

He didn't know
about the others.

It's Swiss.
Well, now, that
is thoughtful, Sturridge.

Good man.
And there's a card, sir.

From all of us,
sorry about the blood, sir.

Thank you all.

Squad! Three cheers
for Captain Biggs.

Hip, hip.
ALL: Hooray!

Hip, hip.
Hooray!

(GUN FIRING)
Hip, hip...

Blackitt! Blackitt!

I'll be all right, sir.
There's just one
other thing, sir.

Spadger,
give him the check.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, this is
really going too far.

I don't seem to be
able to find it, sir,
be in number four trench.

For Christ's sake,
forget it, man.

You shouldn't
have said that, sir.

You've hurt his feelings, now.

Don't mind me, Spadge.

Toffs is all the same.
One minute, it's all
please and thank you.

The next,
they'll kick you in the teeth.
Yeah.

Let's not give him the cake.
I don't want any cake.

Look, Blackitt cooked it
especially for you,
you bastard.

Yeah, he saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.

I don't mean
to be ungrateful.

(GUN FIRING)
I'll be all right...

Blackie! Blackie!

Look at him!
He worked on that cake like
no one else I've ever known.

Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly move

but Blackitt
would be out there,

slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.

I mean, you try
getting butter to melt
at 15 degrees below zero.

There's love in that cake,
this man's love
and this man's care and...

(GUN FIRING)

Oh, my Christ!
You bastard.

All right,
we will eat the cake.
They're right.

It's too good a cake
not to eat.

Get the plates
and knives, Walters.

Yes, sir.
How many plates?

Six.

(GUN FIRING)

Oh, better make it five.
Tablecloth, sir?

Yes, get the tablecloth.

No, no,
I'll get the tablecloth.

You better get
the gate leg table, Hordern.

(GUN FIRING)

And the little lamp, sir?
Yes.

Oh, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.

I'll bring two, sir,
in case one gets crumpled.

Okay!

But, of course,
warfare isn't all fun.
Right. Stop that.

It's all very well
to laugh at the military,

but when one considers
the meaning of life,

it is a struggle between
alternative viewpoints
of life itself.

Without the ability
to defend one's
own viewpoint,

against other perhaps
more aggressive ideologies,

then reasonableness
and moderation could
quite simply disappear.

That is why
we'll always
need an army.

May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.

Don't stand there gawping,

like you've never seen
the hand of God before!

Now, today we're going
to do marching up
and down the square.

That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.

Well?

Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing,

than marching up and down
the square?

Yes! Atkinson.

What would you
rather be doing, Atkinson?

Well, to be quite honest,
Sarge, I'd rather be home
with the wife and kids.

Would you now?

Yes, Sarge.
Right. Off you go.

Now,

everybody else happy
with my little plan,

of marching up and down
the square a bit?

Sarge?
Yes?

I've got a book
I'd quite like to read.

Go read your book then.

Now!

Everybody else
quite content to join in

with my little scheme
of marching

up and down the square?

Sarge?

Yes, Wyclif,
what is it?

Well, I'm learning the piano.

Learning the piano?

Yes, Sarge.
And I suppose

you want to go practice, eh?

Marching up and down
the square not good
enough for you, eh?

Well...
Right! Off you go!

Now, what about
the rest of you?

Rather be at the pictures,
I suppose.

(ALL MUTTERING)

All right! Off you go!

Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.

Right.
Sergeant Major marching
up and down the square.

Left, right, left.

NARRATOR 2:
Democracy and humanitarianism

have always been trademarks
of the British Army.

SERGEANT MAJOR: Rubbish!
Shh!

And have stamped its triumph
in the furthest-flung
corners of the Empire.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(PEOPLE ULULATING)

(BUGLE SOUNDING)

(GUNS FIRING)

But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,

it has always been
the calm leadership
of the officer class

that has made the British Army
what it is.

Excuse me.

Morning, Ainsworth.
Morning, Pakenham.

Sleep well?
Not bad.
Bitten to shreds, though.

Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.

Yes, savage little blighters,
aren't they?

Excuse me, sir.
Yes, Chadwick?

I'm afraid Perkins
got rather badly bitten
during the night.

Well, so did we.

Yes, but I do think
Doctor ought to see him.

Well, go and fetch him then.
Right you are, sir.

Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?

Yes, I suppose so.

Here, now.
Come on, boy.

(GUNS FIRING)

(ULULATING CONTINUES)

(SCREAMING)

Morning, Perkins.

Morning, sir.
What's all the
trouble, then?

Bitten, sir.
During the night.

Oh?

The whole leg gone, eh?
Yes.

How's it feel?

Stings a bit.
Well, it would,
wouldn't it?

That's quite a bite
you've got there.

Yes. A real beauty,
isn't it?

Any idea how
it happened?

None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.

Woke up just now,
one sock too many.

You must have a hell
of a hole in your net.

We've sent
for the doctor.

Hardly worth it, is it?
Yes. Better safe than sorry.

Yes. Good Lord,
look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.

You don't think
it'll come back, do you?

For more, you mean?

You're right.
We'd better
get this stitched.

Right.
Hello, Doc!

Morning.
I came as fast as I could.
Is something up?

Yes. During the night,
old Perkins got his leg
bitten sort of off.

Oh, yeah.
Been in the wars, have we?

Yes.

Any headache?
Bowels all right?

Well, let's have a look
at this one leg
of yours, then, eh?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes. Yes, yes.
Yes, well, this is nothing
to worry about.

Oh, good.
There's a lot of it about.
Probably a virus.

Keep warm, plenty of rest
and if you're playing
football or anything,

try and favor
the other leg.

Oh, righto.

As right as rain
in a couple of days.

Oh. Thanks for
the reassurance, Doc.

Not at all.
That's what I'm here for.

Any other problems
I can reassure you about?

No, I'm fine.

Jolly good.
Well, must be off.

So it'll just grow back again,
then, will it?

Uh...

I think
I'd better come clean
with you about this.

It's not a virus,
I'm afraid.

You see, a virus
is what we doctors
call very, very small,

so small it could not
possibly have made off
with a whole leg.

What we're looking for,
and this is no more
than an educated guess,

I'd like to make that clear,

is some
multi-cellular
life-form

with stripes, huge,
razor-sharp teeth,
about 11 -foot long

and of the genus
Felis Horribilis.

What we doctors,
in fact, call a tiger.

ALL: A tiger?

(PEOPLE ULULATING)

A tiger in Africa?
Hmm?

A tiger in Africa!

Ah, well, it's probably
escaped from a zoo.

Doesn't sound
very likely to me.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.
SOLDIER: Sir! Sir!

The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.

Oh, jolly good.

Quite a lot of
casualties, sir.

C-division wiped out.
Signals gone.

Thirty men killed
in F-section.
Yes, I see.

I should think about
150 men altogether, sir.

Jolly good.

I haven't got
the final figures,

but there's a lot
of seriously wounded
in the compound...

Yes, well, the thing is,
Sergeant, I've got
a bit of a problem here.

One of the officers
has lost a leg.

Oh, no, sir!
I'm afraid so.

Probably a tiger.
In Africa?

(MUMBLING)

The MO says we can
stitch it back on
if we can find it immediately.

Right, sir.
I'll organize a party.

It's hardly the time
for that, Sergeant.

A search party.
Much better idea.

(BUGLE SOUNDING)

(SOLDIERS GROANING)

Sorry about the mess, sir.

We'll try and get it
cleared up
by the time you get back.

We showed 'em,
didn't we, sir?
Yes.

Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.

All this killing, bloodshed.
Bloody good fun, sir,
isn't it?

Yes, very good.

SOLDIER: Morning, sir.

Nasty wound
you've got there, fella.

Thank you very much, sir.

Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.

Better than staying home,
isn't it?

I mean, at home
if you kill someone,
they arrest you.

Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.

I mean, I killed
15 of those buggers, sir.
At home, they'd hang me.

Here, they'll give me
a fucking medal, sir.

(INSECTS CHITTERING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Sorry, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.

Look!

My God! It's huge!

(TIGER GROWLING)

(MONKEYS SCREECHING)

Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
We're not a tiger.

We were just...

Why are you dressed
as a tiger?

Oh, why, why, why?

Isn't it a lovely
day today?

Answer the question.
Oh, we were just...

Well, actually,
we're dressed
like this because...

Oh, no, that's not it.

Oh, we did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree.
High spirits.

Simple as that.
Nothing more to it.

Well, actually,
we're on a mission
for British Intelligence.

There's a pro-czarist
Asante chief...

No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
We're doing it
for an advertisement.

Ah, that's it.
Forget about the Russians.

We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.

"Tiger Brand Coffee
is a real treat.

"Even tigers prefer
a cup of it to real meat."

Now, look...
All right, all right.

We are dressed as a tiger
because he had an auntie
who did it in 1839.

This is the 50th anniversary.
No. We're doing it for a bet.

God told us to do it.

To tell the truth,
we are completely mad.

We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,

and we escaped by
making this skin out of
old used cereal packets.

PERKINS: It doesn't matter!
What?

It doesn't matter why
they're dressed as a tiger.
Have they got my leg?

Good thinking.
Well, have you?

Actually...
Yes?

We were thinking
of training
as taxidermists.

We wanted to get
the feel of it from
the animal's point of view.

Be quiet!

Now look,
we're just asking you

if you've got
this man's leg.

A wooden leg?
No, no, a proper leg.

He was fast asleep,
and someone or something
came in and removed it.

Without waking him up?

Yes.
I don't believe you.

We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.

The owner wanted it
taken to Dar Es Salaam.

Shut up!

Now look,
have you or have you not
got his leg?

Yes. No. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.

Why did you say yes?
I didn't.

I'm not talking to you.

Um...

Right. Search the thicket.

Oh, come on.
I mean, do we look like

the sort of chaps
who'd creep into a camp
at night,

steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them,
tissue-type them,

amputate a leg
and run away with it?

Search the thicket.

Oh, leg!
You're looking for a leg!

Actually, I think
there is one
there somewhere.

Somebody must have
abandoned it here,

knowing you were
coming after it.

We stumbled across it,
actually, and wondered
what it was.

They'll be miles away
by now.

We'll have to take
all the blame.

Hello, good evening
and welcome to
The Middle of the Film.

Hello and welcome
to The Middle of the Film,

the moment where
we take a break and
invite you, the audience,

to join us, the filmmakers,
in Find the Fish.

We're going to show you
a scene from another film

and ask you to guess
where the fish is.

But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.

Yell out so that
all the cinema
can hear you.

So here we are
with Find the Fish.

I wonder
where that fish has gone.

You did love it so.

You looked after it
like a son.

And it went
wherever I did go.

Is it in the cupboard?
AUDIENCE: Yes! No!

Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.

And it went
wherever I did go.

MAN: It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?

MAN 2: Have you thought
of the drawers
in the bureau?

It is a most
elusive fish.

And it went
wherever I did go.

Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish.

Fish, fish, fishy, oh!

Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish!

That went
wherever I did go.

MAN 3: Look up his trunk!
MAN 4: Yeah!
It's in his trousers!

That was terrific!
Great! Yeah!

Best bit so far.
Fantastic! Really great!

Really risky, yeah.

They haven't said much about
the meaning of life so far,
have they?

Well, it's been
building up to it.
Has it?

Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.

Personally, I doubt

they're going to say
anything about the
meaning of life at all.

Oh, come on.
They've gotta say something.

They're bound to.

Yeah.

What do you think
the next bit will be?

Caption, I expect.

What, about the next stage
of life, you mean?
Oh, yeah. Here we go.

NARRATOR: Middle Age.

FISH: Could've guessed it.

That's much better.
Thank you, honey.

You're welcome.

It was all sort of
misty before.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

That's fine.
Hey! How are you?

Oh, we're just fine.

What kind of food
you like to eat
this evening?

Well, we sort of
like pineapple.

Yeah, we love pineapple.

Yeah, anything
with pineapple in
is great for us.

Well, how 'bout
the dungeon room?

Oh, that sounds fine.

Sure is.
It's real Hawaiian food,

served in
an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.

(MAN GROANING)

(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN GROANING)

Isn't this nice?
How are ya?

Take a little Kodak.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

(SCATTING)

(MAN GROANING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Good evening.
Would you care
for something to talk about?

Oh, that would
be wonderful.

Our special tonight
is minorities.

Oh, that sounds
real interesting.

What's this
conversation here?
That's football.

You can talk about
the Steelers-Bears
game Saturday,

or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.

No, no, no.
What is this one here?

That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?

No, it's more of an attempt

to construct
a viable hypothesis to
explain the meaning of life.

What was that?
What's he saying?

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?

Sure. Why not?

Philosophy for two?
Right.

Room?
259.

259.
Yeah.

(STAMMERING)
How do we...

Oh, you folks
want me to start you off?

We'd appreciate that.

Okay! Well, look.

Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?

Well, we went
to Miami last year and
California the year before...

No, no, no.
I mean, why we're here,
on this planet.

No.

Right.
You ever wanted to know
what it's all about?

Nope.

Righty-ho! Well,

see, throughout history,
there've been
certain men and women,

who've tried to find
the solution to
the mysteries of existence.

Great!

And we call these guys
philosophers.

Oh!
And that's what
we're talking about.

Right!
Oh, that's neat.

Well, you look like
you're getting the idea,

so why don't I give you
these conversation cards.

They'll tell you a little
about philosophical method,
names of famous philosophers.

There you are.
Have a nice conversation.

Oh, thank you
very much.

He's cute.
Yeah, real understanding.

Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer
was a philosopher.

Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an "S."

Oh.

Like Nietzsche.

Does Nietzsche
begin with an "S"?

There's an "S" in Nietzsche.

Oh, well, yes, there is.

Do all philosophers
have an "S" in them?

Yeah. I think most of them do.

Oh. Does that mean
Salena Jones
is a philosopher?

Yeah! Right! She could be.

She sings about
the meaning of life.

Yeah. That's right,
but I don't think
she writes her own material.

No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.

No. Burt Bacharach writes it.

There's no "S"
in Burt Bacharach.

Or in Hal David.

Who's Hal David?

He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.

Only now, he's married
to Carole Bayer Sager.

Waiter? This conversation
isn't very good.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
We do have one today
that's not on the menu.

It's sort of
a specialty of the house,
you know?

Live organ transplants.

Live organ transplants?
What's that?

NARRATOR: The Meaning
of Life, part five.
Live organ transplants.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Don't worry, dear.
I'll get it.

(COUGHING)

(HAVA NAGILA PLAYING)

Yes?
Hello. Can we have your liver?

What?
Your liver.

It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.

You know,
it's reddish-brown,
it's sort of...

Yeah, yeah,
I know what it is,
but I'm using it.

Come on, sir.
Don't muck us about.
Hey, hey, hey!

Hello!

What's this, then?
A liver donor's card.

Need we say more?
No.

Listen, I can't give it
to you now. It says,
"In the event of death."

My God!

No one has ever
had their liver taken out
by us and survived.

Just lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.

(SCREAMING)

Here. What's going on?

He's donating
his liver, madam.

Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?

That's right, madam.
Typical of him.

He goes down
to the public library,
sees a few signs up,

comes home all full
of good intentions.

He gives blood,
does cold research,
all that sort of thing.

(SCREAMING)

What do you do
with them all, anyway?

They all go to
saving lives, madam.

That's what
he used to say.

"It's all for
the good of the country,"
he used to say.

(MAN GASPING)

Do you think
it's all for the good
of the country?

Hmm?

Do you think
it's all for the good
of the country?

I wouldn't
know about that, madam.

We're just doing our jobs,
you know?

(MAN SCREAMING)

You're not doctors, then?

Oh, blimey, no.

Mum, Dad,
I'm off out now.

I'll see you about 7:00?
Righto, son.

Look after yourself.

(MAN SCREAMING)

You fancy
a cup of tea?

Oh, well, that'd
be very nice.
Thank you.

Thank you very
much, madam.
Thank you.

I thought
she'd never ask.

You do realize

he has to be, well, dead,
by the terms of the card,

before he donates his liver.

Well, I told him that,
but he never listens to me,
silly man.

I mean,
I was wonderin'...

Well, you know,
what you was thinkin'
of doin' after that.

I mean, will you stay
on your own?

Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of,

on the horizon?

I'm too old
for that sort of thing.
I'm past my prime.

Not at all.
Very attractive woman.

Well, I'm certainly
not thinking of getting
hitched up again.

Sure?
Sure.

Can we have
your liver then?
I would be scared.

All right.

I'll tell you what.

Listen to this.

(SINGING)
Whenever life gets
you down, Mrs. Brown

And things seem hard
or tough

And people are stupid,
obnoxious or daft

and you feel
that you've had

quite enough.

Just remember
that you're standing

On a planet
that's evolving

And revolving
at 900 miles an hour

It's orbiting
at 19 miles a second
so it's reckoned

A sun that is the source
of all our power

The sun and you and me
and all the stars
that we can see

Are moving
at a million miles a day

In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour

Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way

Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars

It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side

It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick

But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide

We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point

We go round
every 200 million years

And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions

In this amazing
and expanding universe

The universe itself
keeps on expanding
and expanding

In all of the directions
it can whizz

As fast as it can go
The speed of light, you know

Twelve million miles a minute
and that's the fastest
speed there is

So remember
when you're feeling
very small and insecure

How amazingly unlikely
is your birth

And pray that
there's intelligent life
somewhere up in space

'Cause there's bugger all
down here on Earth

(SIGHS)

Makes you feel so,
sort of insignificant,
doesn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Can we have
your liver, then?

Yeah, all right.
You talked me into it.

Eric!

Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization

of just how much there is
still left to own.

Item six on the agenda,
the Meaning of Life.

Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.

I've had a team
working on this
over the past few weeks,

and what we've come up
with can be reduced to
two fundamental concepts.

One.
People are not wearing
enough hats.

Two. Matter is energy.

In the universe, there are
many energy fields which
we cannot normally perceive.

Some energies have
a spiritual source, which act
upon a person's soul.

However, this soul
does not exist ab initio,

as orthodox Christianity
teaches.

It has to be
brought into existence,

by a process of guided
self-observation.

However, this is
rarely achieved, owing
to man's unique ability

to be distracted
from spiritual matters
by everyday trivia.

What was that about
hats again?

Oh, people aren't
wearing enough.

Is this true?

Certainly.
Hat sales have increased,

but not pari passu,
as our research...

When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?

Can I just ask,
with reference to
your second point,

when you say
souls don't develop because
people become distracted...

Has anyone noticed
that building there before?

What?
Good Lord!

(MAN SCREAMING)

Good Lord!

The Crimson
Permanent Assurance!

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt
this film to apologize
for this unwarranted attack

by the supporting feature.

Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality

and are now taking steps
to remedy it.

Thank you.

NARRATOR:
The Meaning of Life, part six.
The autumn years.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Here's a little number
I tossed off recently
in the Caribbean.

(SINGING)
Isn't it awfully nice
to have a penis

Isn't it frightfully good
to have a dong

It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick

From the tiniest little tadger
to the world's biggest prick

So three cheers for your Willy
or John Thomas

Hooray for your
one-eyed trouser snake

Your piece of pork,
your wife's best friend,
your percy or your cock

You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock

But don't take it out
in public or they
will stick you in the dock

And you won't come back

Thank you very much.

Oh, what a
frightfully witty song.

Terribly clever.

Jolly good.
Marvelous.

Oh, shit!
It's Mr. Creosote!

Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?

Better.
Better?

Better get a bucket.
I'm gonna throw up.

Gaston?
A bucket for monsieur.

There we are, monsieur.

Merci, Gaston.
I haven't finished.

Oh, pardon!
Gaston?

A thousand pardons,
monsieur.

Now, this afternoon,
we have monsieur's favorite,
the jugged hare.

The hare is very high
and the sauce is very rich,

with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier,
bacon and cream.

Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.

Allow me.

A new bucket
for monsieur.

And the cleaning woman.

Et maintenant,
would monsieur care
for an aperitif,

or would he prefer
to order straightaway?

Today, we have
for appetizers,
excuse me,

moules marinières,
pâté de foie gras,
beluga caviar,

eggs Benedictine,
tarte de poireaux,
that's leek tart,

frogs' legs amandine
or oeufs de caille
Richard Shepherd.

C'est a dire,
little quails' eggs
on a bed of puréed mushrooms.

It's very delicate,
very succulent.

I'll have the lot.

A wise choice, monsieur.
And now, how would
you like it served?

All mixed up together
in a bucket?

Yeah. With the eggs on top.

But of course.
Avec des oeufs frites.

Don't skimp on the pâté.

Oh, monsieur,
I assure you,

just because it is mixed up
with all the other things,

we would not dream
of giving you less
than the full amount.

In fact,
I will personally make sure
you have a double helping.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Something to drink,
monsieur?

Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau Latour '45,

and a double Jeroboam
of champagne.
'45.

Bon, and the usual
brown ales?

Yeah. No, wait a minute.
I think I could only manage
six crates today.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I hope monsieur
was not overdoing it
last night.

Shut up!
D'accord.

The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.

Is there something wrong
with the food?

No, the food
was excellent.

Perhaps you're not happy
with the service?

(STAMMERING)
No, no complaints.

It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather
a heavy period.

And we have
a train to catch.

Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catch

and I don't want to start
bleeding all over the seats.

Madam?
Perhaps we
should be going?

Very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.

So nice to see you,

and I hope very much
we will see you again
very soon.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BUCKET CLANGING)

Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.

Another bucket
for monsieur,

and perhaps a hose.

Oh, Max. Really!

(RETCHING)

(PANTING)

Finally, monsieur,
a wafer-thin mint.

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Oh, sir, it's only a tiny,
little thin one.

No, fuck off. I'm full.
Oh, sir.

It's only wafer-thin.

Look, I couldn't
eat another thing.
I'm absolutely stuffed.

Bugger off.
Oh, sir, just, just one.

All right, just one.
Just the one, monsieur.

Voila.

Bon appetit.

(EXPLODING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(PEOPLE COUGHING)

(MAN RETCHING)

Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.

(PEOPLE GAGGING)

NARRATOR:
The Meaning of Life, part 6B.
The meaning of life.

You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonder

if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all,

working in a place like this.

Well, I've worked
in worse places,
philosophically speaking.

Really, Maria?
Yes.

I used to work
in the Academie Française,

but it didn't do me
any good at all.

I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,

but it didn't
teach me nothin',
I recall,

and the Library of Congress
you'd have thought
would hold some key,

but it didn't,
and neither did
the Bodleian Library.

In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.

I worked there
from 9:00 till 6:00,
read every volume through,

but it didn't teach me
nothing about
life's mystery.

I just kept getting older,
and it got more
difficult to see.

Till eventually,
me eyes went
and me arthritis got bad.

So now,
I'm cleaning up in here.

But I can't
be really sad,

'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.

You sometimes win or lose,

and though I may
be down right now,

at least I don't
work for Jews.

I'm so sorry.

I had no idea
we had a racist
working here.

(STAMMERING)
I apologize most sincerely.

I mean...

Where are you going?
No, I can explain...

As for me...

If you want to know
what I think,
I'll show you something.

Come with me.
WAITER: I was saying that...

Hello?
Come on.

WAITER: Hello?

Hello!
This way.

Come on.
Don't be shy.

Mind the stairs,
all right?

I think this
will help explain.

Come along.
Come along.

Over here.

Come on.
Come on.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORNS BLARING)

This way.

Come on.

This way.

Stay by me.

Nearly there now.

(CROWS CAWING)

You see that?

That's where I was born.

You know, one day, my mother,

she put me on her knee
and she said to me,

"Gaston, my son,

"the world
is a beautiful place.

"You must go into it
and love everyone."

"Try to make everyone happy
and bring peace
and contentment,

"everywhere you go."

So I became a waiter.

Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.

Well, fuck you.

I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.

Fuck off.

Don't come following me.

NARRATOR:
The Meaning of Life,
part seven. Death.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

NARRATOR:
This man is about to die.

In a few moments now,
he will be killed,

for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal,

who has been allowed
to choose the manner
of his own execution.

There he is.

(WOMEN PANTING)

Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie MacAdam Jarrett,

you have been convicted
by 12 good persons,
and true,

of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous
sexist jokes,

in a moving picture.

(ARTHUR SCREAMING)

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.

(LEAF SOBBING)

LEAF: (SOBBING)
It's no good.

(STAMMERING)
I just can't go on.
I'm no good anymore.

I want to end it all!

(WIND BLOWING)
Goodbye! Goodbye!

(SCREAMING)

FEMALE LEAF:
Oh, my God!

(SOBBING)
Oh, no! I...

What'll I do?
I can't live without him!
I...

(SCREAMING)

BOY LEAF: Mummy!
GIRL LEAF:
Mum, where are you?

(GIRL LEAF GASPING)
Daddy? Mummy?

GIRL LEAF: Mummy?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(DOG BARKING)

(BELL TOLLING)

(WIND HOWLING)

Yes?

Is it about the hedge?

Well, I'm awfully
sorry, but...
I am the Grim Reaper.

Who?
The Grim Reaper.

Yes, I see.
I am Death.

Yes, well, the thing is,

we've got some
people from America
for dinner tonight...

WOMAN: Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something.

He's come about the reaping?
I don't think we need
any at the moment.

Hello. Don't leave him
hanging around outside,
darling. Ask him in.

I don't think
it's quite the moment.

Do come in.
Come along.

Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.

(CHATTERING)

It's one of the little men
from the village.

Do come in.
Please.

This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.

Hi.
And his wife, Debbie.

Hello, there.

And these are
the Portland Smythes,
Jeremy and Fiona.

Good evening.
This is Mr. Death.

Do get Mr. Death
a drink, darling.
MAN: Yes.

Mr. Death is a reaper.

The Grim Reaper.

Hardly surprising
in this weather.

So you still
reap around here,
do you, Mr. Death?

I am the Grim Reaper.

That's about all he says.

There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.

We were just talking about
some of the awful problems
facing the Third...

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Would you prefer white?
I'm afraid we don't
have any beer.

The Stilton's
awfully good.

I am not of this world.

Good Lord.

I am Death.

Well, isn't that
extraordinary?

We were just talking
about death
only five minutes ago.

Yes, we were.
You know, whether death
is really the end...

As my husband Howard here
feels, or whether there is,

and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...

What other words
can one use?
Exactly.

You do not understand.

No. Obviously not.

I'll tell you something,
Mr. Death...
You don't...

Just one moment.
I'd like to express on behalf
of everybody here,

what a really unique
experience this is.

JEREMY: Hear, hear.
Yes, we're so delighted

that you dropped in,
Mr. Death.

Can I just finish, please?
DEBBIE: Mr. Death.

Is there an afterlife?

Dear, if you could
just wait, please...

Are you sure
you wouldn't like
some sherry or...

Angela, I'd like
to say this, please.

Be quiet!

Can I just say this
at this time, please?

Silence!
I have come for you.

You mean to...

Take you away.

That is my purpose.

I am Death.

Well, that's cast
rather a gloom
over the evening, hasn't it?

I don't see it
that way, Geoff.

Let me tell you what I think
we're dealing with here,

a potentially positive
learning experience
that can...

Shut up!
Shut up, you American.

You always talk,
you Americans.

You talk and you talk
and you say,

"Let me tell you something"
and "I just wanna say this."

Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!

Dead?
Dead.

All of us?
All of you.

Now look here.

You barge in here
quite uninvited,
break glasses,

and then announce
quite casually
that we're all dead.

Well, I would remind you
that you're a guest
in this house...

Be quiet! Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!

None of you
have got any balls.

Can I ask you a question?
What?

How can we all have died
at the same time?

The salmon mousse.

Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?

I'm most dreadfully
embarrassed.

Now the time has come.

Follow. Follow me.

Just testing. Sorry.

Follow me. Now.

Come.

The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.

He's normally so reliable.

Can we take our glasses?
Good idea.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey, I didn't even
eat the mousse.

ANGELA: Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.

It really is embarrassing.
I mean, to serve salmon
with botulism

at a dinner party
is social death.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Shall we take our cars?
Why not?

Good idea.
Why not?

(ENGINE STARTING)

Behold Paradise.

I love it here, darling.
Me, too, Marvin.

Hello. Welcome to heaven.

(ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING)

Excuse me.
Could you just sign here,
please, sir?

Thank you.

There's a table for you
through there,
in the restaurant.

Thank you.

For the ladies.
Afterlife mints.

Thank you.
Happy Christmas.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, is it Christmas today?

Of course, madam.

It's Christmas every day
in heaven.

Oh! How 'bout that?
Lovely.

(PEOPLE GREETING)

(DRUM BEAT)

(ALL MURMURING)

(PEOPLE SHUSHING)

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's truly
a real honorable experience
to be here this evening,

a very wonderful and warm

and emotional moment
for all of us.

And I'd like to
sing a song,

for all of you.

(SINGING)
It's Christmas in heaven
All the children sing

It's Christmas in heaven

Hark, hark,
those church bells ring

It's Christmas in heaven

The snow falls from the sky

But it's nice and warm
and everyone

Looks smart and wears a tie

It's Christmas in heaven

There's great films on TV

The Sound of Music
twice an hour

And Jaws I, II and III

There's gifts
for all the family

There's toiletries
and trains

THREE KINGS: (SINGING)
There's Sony Walkman
headphone sets

And the latest video games

It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven

Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray

Every single day

Is Christmas Day

It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven

Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray

Every single day is...

Well, that's the end
of the film.

Now here's
the meaning of life.

Thank you, Brigitte.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Well, it's nothing
very special.

"Try and be nice to people.
Avoid eating fat.

"Read a good book
every now and then.
Get some walking in,

"and try and live together
in peace and harmony

"with people of all creeds
and nations."

And finally, here are
some completely gratuitous
pictures of penises,

to annoy the censors
and to hopefully spark
some sort of controversy,

which is the only way
these days to get
the jaded video-sated public

off their fucking arses
and back
in the sodding cinema.

Family entertainment?
Bollocks.
What they want is filth.

People doing things
to each other

with chainsaws
during Tupperware parties,

baby-sitters being stabbed
with knitting needles by
gay presidential candidates,

vigilante groups
strangling chickens,

armed bands of theater critics
exterminating mutant goats.

Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.

Here's the theme music.
Good night.

(SINGING) Just remember that
you're standing on a planet

That's evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hour

It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckoned

A sun that is the source
of all our power

The sun and you and me
and all the stars
that we can see

Are moving
at a million miles a day

In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour

Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way

Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars

It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side

It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick

But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide

We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point

We go round every
200 million years

And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions

In this amazing
and expanding universe

The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding

In all of the directions
it can whizz

As fast as it can go
at the speed of light,
you know

Twelve million miles a minute
and that's the fastest speed
there is

So remember when
you're feeling very small
and insecure

How amazingly unlikely
is your birth

And pray that
there's intelligent life
somewhere up in space

'Cause there's bugger all