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DUKE: So, your husband, the doc's,
waiting outside for me to take a fix, huh?

You're to give him the signal,

he comes in, gives me a fatal dose.

He's got it all
worked out, doesn't he?

Oh, yes.

He's parked a rental car

where your body goes
over the cliff in his car.

And when it blows up,

not even dental charts
will be able to prove who,

or what was in the car.

Mmm.

You and your hubby really
had a scam goin', didn't you?

(SIREN WAILING) Yeah.

Until you came along.

So your husband dies,

and the grieving widow
gets the insurance.

You meet him in Europe,
and live happily ever after.

The only change of plan is

he's going to die.

And this grieving widow

meets her lover in
Europe, and lives...

...happily ever after.

Now, it is time to
give the signal, babe.

(CHOKING)

DUKE: Here's a taste of
your own medicine, Doc.

(CHUCKLES)

WADE: Barbara Baylor is suspected
of the murder of her husband

in Washington, D.C.,
three years ago.

Duke Dimarco has a
history of arrests,

for both armed robbery
and drug possession,

in New York and Philadelphia.

If you have seen either
Barbara Baylor or Duke Dimarco,

please call our
CrimeAlert hotline at

1800-555-7654.

Okay, hold it there, one.

Coming up on one.

Hold it. Ready for you one. Our
operatorsare standing by

24 hours a day.

Take, one.

With your cooperation, we have
captured 32 dangerous criminals.

And for that, I thank you,

And take him down now.

(SHOW THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Dissolve to logo. Dissolve it.

Super rolling. Super it.

And rolling.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

We're taking a call
from someone who thinks

they've got a location
on our child molester.

Oh, that's terrific.

Great show, Wade. Great show.

Listen, I've got some
people for you to meet.

This is Betty, Martin and Tina.

They're big fans of yours and
we need you in the monitor.

Hi, Tina. Forgive me. Hi.

Great to have you here. All right.

WADE: That was a
great show, everybody.

That last segment was
a real ratings grabber.

All right, tomorrow, we do
the Tri-State robbery segment.

Production meeting,
my office, 10:00.

How about those notes?

Okay, I'll see you down there in 20.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Get me the shooting script
for tomorrow, will you?

I'll go get 'em.

Oh! All these deadlines!

Maybe we should do a segment
on how this show's murdering me.

WADE: Last year you were
making documentaries,

now, you got a
top-rated network show.

Well, can I remind
you that just last year

you were a glorified,
what, security guard?

Yeah. Right there.
Security expert, please.

Oh, well, I stand corrected. Thanks.

Well, you know, it was lucky for you

that you were working for Jake
Salzburg at the right time.

Luck has nothing to
do with it. (SCOFFS)

Jake wanted the best,
that's why he called me

when his wife was being hassled
by that crazy fan of hers.

Wade, notes and homework.

And when he picked
me to host the show,

once again, he made the best choice.

(LAUGHS) You certainly take
a lot of credit for this show.

Well, what can I tell you?

The brass is ecstatic over
the audience reaction to me.

Well, I hope for your sake

the big chief keeps you
up on that cloud of yours.

He'd pull the plug in a
minute if our ratings slip.

Max, I don't intend
to let that happen.

WADE: So, we're set for
next week, huh? AL: Mmm-hmm.

Excuse me, sir. Oh,
thank you, Andre.

You do good work.

Celebrity Profile Magazine,
a cover no less. That's great.

Well, my clients should be
so easy to get a cover for.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

"While it lasts"? Ow!

It's gonna last. I
can assure you that.

You just keep doing your part.

AL: (LAUGHS) Oh,
don't you worry, Wade.

As long as your
show's as hot as it is,

you won't be able to keep me away.

(WADE LAUGHS)

Good to see you, Wade.
How are you doing?

You like the show? I love the show.

Hey, how are you? Good to see you.

Call me soon. Call me soon.

Love the show, Wade.

WADE: Hey, Bob, how you
doing? MAN: Wade, thank you.

WOMAN: Al! Hi.

Wade, the series is going
great. Better every time.

Saw the overnights. Good going.

Thanks so much.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Henry, ask Monique to call
the sheriff's department again,

and find out what's holding up
the photo on the Echo Park sniper.

You got it.

JACK: Max, there's a
call for you from the FBI.

It's the one you're waiting for.

Oh, all right! That'll be
about the Miller's kidnapping.

I think we may have
located those boys.

If that's it, contact
the local affiliate,

and see if you can get a camera feed

with pictures of the
parents and the kids.

MAX: All right.

Don't powder me too much. I
just need a little in here.

Mmm.

Thank you. That's great.

Well, you certainly have
done all right for yourself.

Still smoking four
packs a day, Budd?

You need me for something?

Well, as a matter of fact,

there is something.

Make it fast, Budd,
I got a show to do.

Oh, well, I...

I think I have a story that you,

that you might be interested in.

Why don't you let Henry read it?

And if it's interesting,
we'll get back to you.

No, I don't think so.

It's a very special story.

For your ears only.

Budd, I would really rather
you not smoke in here.

I just received a
video from an old buddy.

It was something that
he thought I might find

enjoyable. And he was right.

Budd, I told you, I don't
have the time right now.

Holly Does Houston.

Has a nice ring to it.

It's really something
you should look at, Wade.

Go on. Oh!

I see that I have your interest now.

I'm listening.

Turns out that

our young film star
gave quite a performance.

As did his underage co-star.

Not exactly Disney, if
you know what I mean?

Why are you sharing this
information with me now?

Because I just couldn't forget

the choice bits that
you laid on Salzburg

about my not having the
right image for the show.

That was some
hatchet-job you did on me.

Budd, it's not my fault you
fell off the wagon again.

Well, there's not that
much in my background

to compare to yours, now, is there?

What is it you want?

You're not a stupid man, Wade.

CrimeAlert was
supposed to be my show.

I'm the one with the qualifications.

Nineteen years invested
in this business.

It was a lock and everybody knew it.

Everybody? Obviously
not Jake Salzburg.

He knew what I was capable of.

(CHUCKLES)

No, what you were capable of
was licking the right boots.

Oh, you're smooth.

You're smooth, all right. I
mean, you're really smooth.

But what do you think Salzburg

and the rest of your
adoring audience would say

if they knew that
you did skin flicks?

Our Wonder Boy crime fighter.

Look, Budd. Get...
No, you look, Wade.

'Cause if it gets out
that you did skin flicks...

Get to the point!

The point

is that you're going
to lose the show.

That's what the point is.

Of course, you do have a choice.

You can leave with
your reputation intact.

I'm sure there's others out there

who would go for your
particular brand of charm.

Or you can be

my lead story

on the 11:00 news.

So, which will it be, Wade?

Camera's ready, Wade.

I'll be there in a minute!

Where's the rest of it?

Just polishing it on
my computer at home.

We'll have to talk about
this some more, privately.

Right now, I've got a show to do.

Certainly.

We...

We can meet

tomorrow night at
my house, 6:00 p. m.

Don't be late. I'll be there.

MAN: Hey, people, let's move. We have
30 seconds. Let's get it moving now.

Wade, we've been waiting
for you. What kept you?

Did you see Budd?

I saw him.

Well, did he have a story for us?

Story?

Why else would he come to see you?

He's not exactly a fan of yours.

I told him that I didn't have
time to see him right now.

MAN: Okay, five seconds from now.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hey, Wade.

Are we going over the
profile segments tomorrow?

I'll be working at
the production office.

I can do it myself.

I'll be glad to come in.

No, no. I can manage for once.

You deserve some R&R. You go
out and have a good weekend.

You deserve it.

Okay. Good night, boss.

Good night.

MAX: Oh, good night, Henry.

HENRY: Good night, Max.

Will we see you at my
house tomorrow night?

I'm making a new Jamaican
dish for the party.

I'm looking forward
to it. What time?

Around 7:00?

Black beans and Demon Rum?

You got it. Okay, good night.

Bye.

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

(HEDGE TRIMMER WHIRRING)

I'm gonna trim all the
hedges this week, Mr. Anders.

Thanks, Juan.

(DOG BARKING)

Right on time, I see.

So, tell me,

just what have you decided?

The tape. You said you had
the tape. I'd like to see it.

Proof?

I'll give you a private showing.

(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(SIGHS)

I've seen enough.
You can turn it off.

So, let's get down to business.

I think I've figured out a way

to make this work
out for both of us.

You have?

I propose that we share the
show, you and I, co-host.

Co-host?

No way.

You've been in the
spotlight too long already.

I want you out of the
picture completely.

Just hear me out.

Your way, there's no
guarantee you'll get the job,

even if I leave.

With you gone,

I don't see any problems at all.

It isn't gonna be easy.

With the following I have, (COUGHS)

You're gonna need
me to pull this off.

I have to find a valid
excuse to leave the show.

Well, you're a very creative person.

I'm sure you'll think of something.

It'll have to be something
that the brass will buy.

(COUGHING)

Especially if I'm going to tell
them that you're gonna take over.

Wade, I can't...

(GASPING) I can't breathe!

(COUGHING)

(CHOKING) Help me!

(GASPING)

Told you those things
were gonna kill you.

(PRINTING)

News at 11:00?

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Max.

Wade! (LAUGHS)

Ooh, champagne!

You certainly know how
to make an entrance.

I've put in a hard day,
and I want to celebrate.

Look who's here!

ALL: (EXCLAIMING) Wade!

(WHINING)

Hey! What do ya say, boy?

How are you?

All right, back off.
Gotta go to work.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)

You're a real friendly
boy, aren't you?

Oh, you're a girl.

Well, you know, you got
more life than my dog.

Yes, you have.

Yes, you have.

Oh, what happened here?

Her name's Sheba.

Sheba?

Hey, that's a nice name. Sheba.

My name is Randy.

Oh. Hi, Randy.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.

Are you a real lieutenant?

I'm not Dick Tracy.

Look at this.

Is that real enough for you?

Wow!

Randy, I got to go to work now.

Bye, Sheba.

What have you got, Sergeant Lewis?

Name's Budd Clarke.

He's a newscaster on KRVA.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I've seen him lots of
times on the evening news.

Looks like he's gonna be making
the news instead of reporting it.

Ah!

George, this is the
way you found him?

Uh-huh. No signs of
violence, no obvious wounds.

I'll know more after the autopsy.

But he looks like a good
candidate for heart failure.

He's the right age, had to
be a stressful profession,

obviously a heavy smoker.

The victim was found at
approximately 4:30 this morning

by a neighbor, Mr. Eric Larsen,

who says that the victim's dog was
barking in the middle of the night.

I got to quit
smoking. This is crazy.

Uh...

Anything else, George?

He probably died between
6:00 and 7:00 last night.

It looks like respiratory failure,

possibly brought on
by a heart attack.

According to the
neighbor, it was unusual

for the dog to be out
at that hour of night.

It's just a puppy, and
if you can imagine that.

Have you seen this dog, Lieutenant?

Yeah. She jumped all over
me. Seemed very friendly.

Go on, Sergeant.

Well, after a while, Mr.
Larsen called the police.

The patrol officers saw the
body through the patio doors,

and broke in.

No sign of forced entry or struggle.

The lab boys are
here as you requested.

Did anybody else live here?

No. No, Mr. Larsen
says Clarke lived alone.

A housekeeper comes in weekdays.

Frank? Yes, sir.

Look around and see if you can find
any ashtrays with more cigarette butts.

I want to take a look.

Okay.

All right. Tweezers.

George, you got tweezers?

Here you go, sir.

What's the matter, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant, I found
this one in the bedroom.

Thank you, Officer.

Sergeant, you better have
the lab boys check out

all these cigarette
butts in these ashtrays,

and any others you
can find in the house.

And this one, the one
that was on the desk,

have that marked.

What is it, Lieutenant?

COLUMBO: These cigarettes,
the ones on the desk,

they weren't smoked.

Weren't smoked? What do you mean?

Look.

No nicotine stain on the filter.

But these cigarettes,
in these ashtrays,

were smoked.

Notice the yellowish-brown
nicotine stain on the filter?

Oh, yeah!

And look at here.

Clean as a whistle. Tag
it and get it to the lab.

You got it, Lieutenant.

Frank?

FRANK: You finished with
the body, Lieutenant?

Yeah, all finished.

LEWIS: Lieutenant, the press is
outside. They want a statement.

Uh, tell them the usual.

LEWIS: Yes, sir.

Anybody know how to work this thing?

These machines, they baffle me.

What do you need?

I want to see the
rest of this story.

Stop it.

"Seventeen-year-old girl disappeared
from a small town..." Okay.

Just want to check.

"Seventeen-year-old
girl disappeared from..."

Can you make a copy of that?

In a flash.

(PRINTING)

Here you go, Lieutenant.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Sergeant.

Check this out for latent prints.

Oh, you!

(WHIMPERING)

Yes, you're a princess.

Good girl, aren't you?

Oh, what, you wanna go with me?

Here, I got something for you.

My dog loves these. Here.

Oh! Okay, down.

Did you do this?

Thanks a lot.

Ruin the whole door of the car.

I got to go now.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Homicide?

You mean it may not
have been a heart attack?

Not necessarily.

You see, when a person dies like
this, we have to investigate.

Oh.

These machines are something,
aren't they? Computers.

And there's where you type.

Me, I only can type
with two fingers.

This is Mr. Clarke's office?

Yes.

Could I look in?

Yes.

Oh, I see he has his own computer.

Yes.

Did Mr. Clarke type
his own news stories?

Most of the time.

Except if he was close to deadline,

then sometimes I'd
type up his notes.

Notes? Yes.

He kept notes? Yes.

Where did he keep it?

The tape recorder, on the desk.

He used it almost
everywhere he went.

Oh, so he would talk his notes?

Yes.

Well, people do that now.

Yeah, they used to write them.

The notes are in here?

Yes.

There's nothing here.

Oh! The tape was there on Friday.

I gave him a new one that morning.

Where is the old one?

They're erased. Then we reuse them.

Hmm.

Are these the news stories
that Mr. Clarke was working on?

LISA: Yes, at least some of them.

But all our news stories
are logged on the computer.

Could you show me?

Yes.

Wow, look at all those stories.

Is there a particular
one you're interested in?

Yes, if you could
roll down to the Es.

Yeah, that's good.

"Evening in the Kremlin.

"Emergency in Pentagon.

"End of the line for Dope..."

(MUTTERING)

And that's the end of the Es?

Could Mr. Clarke have a story

that wasn't on this list?

"Escape to Death."

I don't see it here.

Yes, I suppose so.

But it would have to be a new one
if it's not in the computer yet.

Thank you. You've been very helpful.

Oh!

Could you tell me when
you saw Mr. Clarke last?

On Friday. He came in around 2:00.

About 3:00, he said he had
to go down to see Wade Anders.

Do you happen to recall
when Mr. Clarke returned?

He was gone about 30 minutes.

Then, he got ready to go on
the air at 4:00. I left at 5:00.

Never saw him again.

Can you tell me where
I can find Mr. Anders?

He's on the main floor
where CrimeAlert is.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Excuse me. Excuse me.

We don't allow anyone in this
area without authorization.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.

Boy, it seems like you've
got more equipment here

than we've got down at headquarters.

I'll get someone.

(WHISPERING) Miss Max.
There's a guy over here.

His name's Columbo, Lieutenant.

I'm Maxine Jarrett. You're
Lieutenant Columbo, is it?

Uh, yes, ma'am. Boy,
this is quite a place.

I was just saying

that it seems like you're
better equipped than we are.

You have no idea how much
paperwork it is just to get a phone.

Oh, I'm sure that's
a problem for you.

Yeah. I'm sorry, Lieutenant,

but we run on a really tight
schedule. What can I do for you?

Oh, I understand, ma'am. I'm
checking up on Budd Clarke's death.

Oh, yes. I heard
about it this morning.

I heard he was here on
Friday. Did you see him?

Yes, he was here on Friday,

but he talked to
Wade Anders, our host.

Oh, you don't have to
tell me who he is, ma'am.

My wife and I, we love the show.

If she could just spot
one of those suspects...

Well, that's what makes our
show popular, Lieutenant.

Well, I hope you all had
a very restful weekend,

because we got a
very busy week ahead.

Good morning, sir. -Meeting
in five minutes. -You got it.

Mr. Anders, could I
speak to you for a minute?

Who are you?

Wade, this is Lieutenant
Columbo, from Homicide.

It's a real pleasure
meeting you, sir.

Lieutenant, I don't
have any time right now.

Why don't you give your story

to my assistant over there?

If we can use it, we'll call you.

Oh, no, sir.

I'm here about Budd Clarke.

Budd Clarke?

Yes, I heard. Something
about a heart attack?

Well, that's what we're
trying to find out, sir.

I understand that he
was here on Friday.

Oh! It's been so
hectic lately. Friday?

Yes. Yes, he was here.

He said something about a
story we might be interested in.

Did he say what it was about, sir?

No, I was called to the set.

I told him to see my assistant.

Uh-huh.

I bet you're always getting people
who want you to use their stories.

WADE: It's incredible, Lieutenant.

We receive far more requests
than we can ever use.

We have to pick the ones we feel

will catch the viewers' interest.

Oh, yes, sir. I can see
it's very complicated.

Wade, the meeting.

I'll be right there.

I'm just going to give the
Lieutenant a few minutes of my time.

Well, thank you very much, sir.

You know, my wife, she's not going
to believe this, my meeting you.

She's a big fan.

Just the other day,
she told me she thought

the grocery clerk looked like
one of the suspects on your show.

Well, that's part of
our appeal, Lieutenant.

The audience likes to get
involved in catching the criminals.

You don't think some of those people
could become vigilantes, do you?

Pardon me for saying
this, Lieutenant.

I'm sure you do the best job
you can, but let's face it.

The police departments of this
country are woefully inadequate

to meet the overwhelming
rise in violent crime.

Maybe you should take
a few tips from us.

What can you tell
me about Budd Clarke?

Were you aware of any
problems he was having?

Coffee, Lieutenant?

Budd, he was all right.

Good newsman, I think.

Of course, he didn't
like me very much.

Everybody knows he wanted my job.

When he found out I was hired
for the show instead of him,

he told anyone who would
listen I wouldn't last.

Well, that's bad forecasting.

Good thing he wasn't a weatherman.

But he came to you about
doing one of his stories?

Well, Budd might hold a grudge,

but not when it came
to selling stories.

Wade. You ready?

We have a meeting, then we
want to do a run-through.

WADE: I'm being
summoned, Lieutenant.

It can be grueling at times.

I can see that, sir.

(LAUGHS) It's been a
pleasure, Lieutenant.

Oh, by the way, Lieutenant,

if I can ever be of any
help to you, you let me know.

Appreciate it.

And tell your wife,

we'll look in on that grocery clerk.

(LAUGHS)

It's a good thing you ordered
a toxicology report, Columbo.

Why?

Because that's the only
way this can be traced.

Really?

The victim died of
acute nicotine poisoning.

Three times the lethal amount
introduced through the lungs.

Like in cigarette smoking?

No.

Nicotine in cigarettes metabolizes
more slowly in the body.

That's why it takes
longer to kill smokers.

If it wasn't nicotine
in the cigarettes,

then what was it?

A highly concentrated form.

Nicotine sulfate, one of the
most poisonous substances around.

Paralyzes the lungs, the
heart action goes nuts.

Bingo, you are dead.

That quick?

With the amount he
had in his system,

he must have died within
minutes of ingestion.

Thank you, George.

You're welcome, Lieutenant.

(CAMERAS CLICKING) This angle.

(COLUMBO CLEARING THROAT)

What's going on? (SHUSHING)

Who are all these people?

(WHISPERING) They're from
Celebrity Profile Magazine.

Oh, Mr. Anders is being interviewed
by Celebrity Profile?

Not just an interview, Lieutenant.

Wade's going to be on the cover.

The cover. (EXCLAIMS)

About your background.

I heard that you were
a security consultant.

That sounds like a
Cinderella story to me.

I feel as though CrimeAlert is
the most important work I've ever done.

The show must be
quite a responsibility.

I do feel an obligation
to my viewers, yes.

Our readers are as interested
in you as they are the show.

What's your reaction to all this?

Have I touched on something
you'd rather not discuss?

What?

No, no, I...

Distracted. I've
got a lot on my mind,

I'm sure you can imagine.

Now's the time to take a break.

Henry! HENRY: Sir.

COLUMBO: Mr. Anders.

Lieutenant, what
brings you back so soon?

I have something here, sir,
that I'd like you to see.

Oh, certainly.

May we step into your office?

Right this way.

I hope I've got the right envelope.

I've got so many of these.

Well, we'll soon know.

Oh, dear. Oh, yes!

I've got 'em, sir.

What have you got there, Lieutenant?

Uh, news stories?

Right, sir. If you
could just look at these.

You want me to read them?

If you would, sir.

Out loud?

That would be fine.

"Escape to Death, Hot Time for Slum
Lord, Overdose in Medical Center."

You did notice the other two
are different from this one.

You see, sir, Mr. Anders.

This one has upper
and lower case letters,

while these two are
all in capital letters.

That's right, just as you say,
Lieutenant. But what's the problem?

We found these on Mr. Clarke's
desk when we found the body.

Where you found the body?

Right, sir.

Forgive me, but I don't
understand the problem.

We found the same story, "Escape
to Death" on the computer screen,

so, it would appear that this story,

is the story that Mr.
Clarke was working on.

Yes, I would agree with
you there, Lieutenant.

Well, the trouble is, sir, that
this story, "Escape to Death",

it wasn't typed the same
as these other two stories.

Why is that significant?

I can't explain it, sir.

Ah! You can't explain it,
I see, that's the problem.

Yes, sir.

Maybe Budd typed that story and
the secretary's typed the others.

Well, sir, then the titles
would still be the same.

There's no way for you to know this,

but they all use the same format,

Budd, the secretary, the
newsroom, same format.

Same. Yes.

Like these. All the titles in caps.

Hmm... Hmm.

Can you think of some explanation?

(SIGHS)

Nothing comes to mind.

No, huh? Hmm.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

(SIGHING) Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Wait a minute.

Maybe somebody other than
Budd typed that story.

So, someone other than
Budd typed the story.

Yes. Yes.

That could be the answer.

Yes.

Thank you, sir.

Ironic, isn't it?

Sir? The title.

Oh!

"Escape to Death."

That is ironic.

Isn't it? Yes.

Well, I hope I've been
of some help, Lieutenant.

Well, you certainly have, sir,
and I appreciate your input.

And thank you for your time.

Oh! Mr. Anders.

I forgot something
I wanted to show you.

Could you step out here?
It'll only take a few minutes.

Two minutes.

What have you got there, Lieutenant?

Sir, did you see what I just did?

You just tore a page
out of my printer.

Well, now watch carefully.
I'm going to do it again.

Now do you see what I mean, sir?

What I see, Lieutenant, is you've
torn two pages out of my printer

and you're now holding one.

Yes, sir, but do you
see how I'm holding it?

Yes, I do.

I've tried every
way I know how, sir,

and I can't tear a
page out of this printer

without touching both sides.

I don't understand the significance.

When we found Mr. Clarke's print,

it was only on one side of the
page that was under his hand.

Go on.

So, if Mr. Clarke had pulled
the page out of the printer,

his fingerprints would
have been on both sides.

I think you're on to
something, Lieutenant.

Oh, well, thank you, sir.

That's good work.

Well, coming from you,
that's a real compliment.

Keep me posted on your progress.

We could use some good
material for our show.

Oh, that would be terrific.

And I'll be sure to
let you know, sir.

Do that.

Tell Max we're in perfect position.

Okay, we're in
perfect position, Max.

MAX: Good. It'll be a second.

WADE: Ready
when they are.

Okay, the cameras are
in place down here.

SWAT team's almost ready.
It's about to go down, folks.

Okay, Max, we're in
place and we're ready.

Wait for my cue. Okay,
everybody, cameras are ready.

Roll on Wade in 15 seconds.

Okay, everything's ready,
Wade. This is going to be good.

It better be.

Any second, now.

MAN: Here we go. Three, two...

Today, you're going
to see, firsthand,

the capture of two suspects profiled
on CrimeAlert last week.

Due to a tip from
one of our viewers,

we've led the police to
a motel across the street

from where I'm standing
at this very moment.

Police! Open up!

Freeze! (WOMAN SCREAMING)

WADE: Barbara Baylor
conspired with Duke Dimarco

to kill her husbandfor the 500.000
dollarinsurance policy on his life.

I want to thank the
viewers who watch our show.

Because of you,

criminals like Barbara Baylor and Duke
Dimarco can be taken off our streets.

That's a wrap.

We got it. Good.

Well, how was it? Talk to me.

Great, Max said they got it
all. It's going to be great.

Now, you tell Max not
to start that editing

till I get a chance
to go over it with her.

I'll tell her. MAN:
Great show, Wade.

Thanks.

Oh, I got a message for
you from Lieutenant Columbo.

He said he wanted to let you know that
he wouldn't be able to see you today.

Said that he's "Hot on a
lead, will fill you in later."

That Lieutenant's certainly bent on
getting one of his cases on our show.

Yeah.

Everybody's out to make a buck.

Well, your show's got 'em
coming out of the woodwork.

Oh, Maurice was setting up in
the trailer to trim your hair.

I'll head over there
right now. Thanks, Henry.

Lieutenant Columbo.

(CHUCKLES) Thanks, fellas.

Yeah.

Great show. Okay.

But, Lieutenant, just a little here
and here, and right off the top.

It will make you look
much more distinguished

(WHISPERING) And sexier.

(LAUGHS) My wife would like that.

You're going to take
mostly off the top, right?

No, no, I'm going to
trim the ends all over.

Oh, just the ends?

Give it a little shape.
A little body. Oh, I see.

COLUMBO: 'Cause I got
the same barber 20 years.

I wouldn't want to hurt
his feelings or anything.

MAURICE: Look, don't worry
about a thing. We won't tell him.

I promise you, you're gonna love it.

Okay, just, not too much.

Lieutenant! What are you doing here?

Oh, Mr. Anders. How are you?

I was over and about here...

I just got a message that said you
were tied up following a hot lead.

Well, I was, sir, but it fell apart.

A hot lead turned cold, huh?

Yeah, it busted out on me.

But, this morning I found this.

And this is really good.

Cigarettes?

Cigarettes.

Really?

Maurice, I need a little
trim. I haven't got much time.

Excuse me, please. Oh, I'm sorry.

Your hairdresser, he was giving
me a few pointers on my hair.

Really? What did he think?

He wants to make me more attractive.

(CHUCKLING) By the way,

what is the difference between
a hairdresser and a barber?

Oh, about 50 dollars.

That's a good one.

Oh, I'm going to remember that.

You know what this is like, sir?

This is like the fingerprints
being on only one side of the paper

instead of on both.

It opens up all kinds of questions.

Really?

And I'd love to show it to you.

Well, sure, if it
doesn't take too long.

Two minutes, sir.

Mr. Anders, do you see the difference
between these two cigarettes?

Yeah, but I'm not the guy
to ask about cigarettes.

You know I hate 'em.

Well, you don't have
to be a smoker, sir.

You can see the difference
between these two.

Sure.

Now, this one was found on the
ashtray on Mr. Clarke's desk.

That's where we found the body.

But this one, this was found on an
ashtray in another part of the room.

Am I stupid? I must
be missing the point.

Well, you can see, sir,

that these two cigarettes were put
out in two completely different ways.

One was crushed, other was twisted.

Exactly. Twisted. Crushed.

Lieutenant, people put out
cigarettes in many different ways.

But that's the point, sir.

Someone else was there.

(SOFTLY) Someone else was there?

Of course. That's good.

Why didn't I think of that?

Now, sir, I don't know
what this all means.

But it's food for thought.

Oh, definitely, sir. This
is something to chew on.

Thank you, Wade.

My driver's waiting.

Well, you go right ahead, sir.
I don't want to hold you up.

Lieutenant, that's really good.

Maybe you should host the show.

(LAUGHING) Fix his hair.

Keep me posted. Lieutenant.

Oh.

He's got a great sense
of humor, hasn't he?

Yes, he does.

What's this?

"Presumed Innocent."

What's that?

It's an audio book.

Budd didn't have
much time for reading,

so he'd listen to the
cassette in the car.

Yeah, but I read that
book. That's a big book.

You mean they got the whole
book on this little thing?

No!

It's a condensed version. Kind
of like Reader's Digest.

Oh, that's great.

I should use that.

Of course, first, I have to
get a tape deck in my car.

So, is this all?

As far as I know.

Yeah, get me a tape deck in my car.

In the car.

BUDD ON TAPE: Pick
up the dry-cleaning,

take a lookat the station
IDsfor the 11:00 news.

Check Arnie's in Hollywoodfor
background infoon the porno film.

(MOUTHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey, cutie! Want to show me
what's under the raincoat?

(CHUCKLING)

There you go, pal.

Excuse me, sir, do
you have a minute?

Just wait your turn, buddy.

Hope we both have fun tonight, pal.

Okay, what can I do for you?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo. Homicide.

Homicide? Hey, wait a minute.
I'm just a guy trying...

Well, sir, all I want to do is ask you
a few questions. Nothing to worry about.

Did you know Budd Clarke?

Yeah. How well?

We served together in the Army.

Then, you were friends?

We didn't exactly travel in
the same circles, you know?

But, when we were in the
service, yeah, we were close.

Whenever I needed him,
he was right there.

And I'm real proud of his success.

Did you send a tape to Mr. Clarke?

Yeah. Holly Does Houston.

Holly does what?

It's a porno film.

Holly does...

Houston. Oh!

I get it. Okay.

I came across it in some boxes
in the back. Forgot I had it.

I figured Budd would
get a kick out of it.

As far as I know, it's the only
porno film that Wade Anders ever made.

Wade Anders?

He did a porno?

Gave quite a performance,
if you know what I mean.

Well, what do you know about that?

Why would you think that Mr. Clarke
would get a kick out of that film?

Well, you know, Anders aced Budd out as
the host of the CrimeAlert show.

Did a real hatchet-job on him.

So, I figured Budd
would really get a laugh

out of seeing Mr.
Clean in a porno film.

Do you know if Mr. Anders knew
that you sent it to Mr. Clarke?

I never heard a word.

Do you have a copy of that film?

Do you figure this film has got
something to do with Budd's death?

Why, you never know, sir.

Got to check everything out.

Yeah.

I'll have to run you off a
copy. It's in eight millimeter.

Well, I would appreciate it.

Anything for Budd, Lieutenant.

You can wait right
in here, Lieutenant,

Mr. Anders should be
with you any minute.

Well, thank you very much.

But you must be brief.

He's due at a rehearsal for
the TV Awards in an hour.

Oh, he's going to get one of
those statues? That's great.

No, he's going to be
one of the presenters.

We're all very excited.

Ah! Yeah.

Well, this is some office
here. Look at all this stuff!

And that rug. That
must cost a bundle.

Oh, Lieutenant, Mr. Anders doesn't
allow anyone to smoke in his office.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

If you need anything,
I'll be at my desk.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

(WHISTLING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

MELANIE: Mr. Anders, a couple of
phone calls, but nothing important.

And Lieutenant Columbo
is waiting in your office.

WADE: In my office?

(DOOR OPENING)

Lieutenant.

Hey! You and the Governor.

That's pretty good.

Yes, that was a very special
day for me, Lieutenant,

I can assure you.

I'll bet it was, sir.

I was admiring your desk.

It's an antique, isn't it?

It's well over 100 years old.

What a beauty.

So what brings you here, Lieutenant?

We got the report from the medical
examiner, sir, and it showed...

If you don't mind. Would you, sir?

You want me to sign this?

For my wife. She'd really
get a kick out of it.

You were saying something about
a medical examiner's report.

Hmm? Oh, yeah.

Mr. Clarke died of
nicotine poisoning.

Nicotine poisoning?

So, Budd smoked himself to death.

That's great!

What?

Your picture, sir.

It wasn't the nicotine in the
cigarette tobacco that killed him,

it was nicotine sulfate.

Nicotine sulfate? What's that?

Oh, you've never heard of it?

No.

Oh, well, sir, it's one of
the deadliest poisons there is.

It takes only one little
drop to kill a man.

That's incredible, Lieutenant.

You're telling me
that Budd was murdered?

Oh, yes, sir. Mr. Clarke,
he was murdered, all right.

I know you always thought there was some
sort of mystery surrounding Budd's death.

But poisoned? Who would
have thought of that?

Well, right from the start, I thought
there was something fishy here.

(STUTTERING) Yes. I remember you...

You were worried about

the fingerprints being on
only one side of the page.

Didn't make any sense.

Well, you were right.

And now it appears, at least to me,

that somebody must have placed
Budd's hand on that paper.

The murderer.

Exactly the way I figured it, sir.

Only way it makes sense.

But I still don't see how Budd was
poisoned with, what did you call that stuff?

Nicotine sulfate?

Right, sir. I haven't
figured that out yet.

But I'm working on it.

Oh, I'm sure you are, Lieutenant.

And I have the utmost
confidence in you,

that you'll come up
with the right answer.

(OPENS DOOR)

Thank you very much, sir.

Oh, there's something else
that's been bugging me.

And what's that, Lieutenant?

We found an ashtray full of
cigarette butts on Mr. Clarke's desk.

We also found a
cigarette in his hand.

Budd was a chain smoker,
Lieutenant. Now, you know that.

The autopsy report showed that he inhaled
the poison only moments before he died.

But, Mr. Clarke hadn't smoked
the cigarette in his hand

or any of the
cigarettes on his desk.

Why would you say that?

No nicotine stains on the filters.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

WOMAN: Okay, come on, you guys.

Right. Come on out.

Good, fellas. All right,
move forward, please.

Yes.

Move in.

Right, hold up. You got it.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Good.

Good, guys. Yeah, high
kick. Yeah, that's it.

Good. Flip, flip it.
Come on, let's go.

Hop.

Girls, and roll it. All
right, here we go. Yeah!

(INSTRUCTOR CONTINUES CHATTERING)

All right. Good.

Rock it up, come on.

All right, now roll it.

(STUTTERING) I don't
know. I think so. And...

We're ready for you, Mr. Anders.
Could you come with me, please?

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?

I'm looking for Wade Anders.

The security guard said
I could find him here.

Well, if you'd like to leave
your name. I can take...

I'm from the police,
ma'am. Lieutenant Columbo.

Oh, I see. He's right over there.

Huh? He was there a minute ago.

Let me ask you something,
is Roseanne Barr here?

No, she won't be here until later.

Oh, I'd like to see her.

You know, this is my first time.

She'll be here at 5:30.

This is a great number.

INSTRUCTOR: Okay, let's go. Big
finish. Come on. More energy.

Lieutenant. Oh, there you are.

Fancy meeting you here.

Oh, this is really something, sir...

Hi! Can I have your
autograph, please?

Me, too! Me, too!

Yeah, it's exciting, isn't it?

Thank you. I love
to watch 'em dance.

Yeah, they got great legs.

Thank you.

No business like show
business, eh, Lieutenant?

Oh, you can say that again, sir.

Talking about show business,

do you know the first actress
that was ever on a postage stamp?

No, I don't, Lieutenant.
Now, who was that?

Grace Kelly.

When she married Prince Rainier.

You don't say.

To commemorate the wedding.

Lieutenant, are you here to see me?

Yes, sir, I am.
Here's what happened.

After I left you, I had a
meeting with the captain.

This case is now murder, right?

Right.

So he said to me, "Where
do we go from here?"

Natural question, right?

Right.

Me? I got no answers.

And now he sits down and
he's looking right at me.

This guy is tough.

So he says, "Who did
Mr. Clarke last see?"

I said, "On Saturday, sir, the day
he died, he didn't see anybody."

"But who did he see on Friday?"

I said, "On Friday, he went
to work, saw the people there,

"had an appointment
with a Mr. Wade..."

Wade Anders.

He knew you, sir. He did?

Loves your show. Really?

WOMAN: Mr. Anders! They're
waiting for you at the podium.

Thank you.

So, the bottom line
is... Lieutenant.

Is this your way of asking
what I was doing on Saturday?

It is, sir. Yes.

Well, for heaven's sake, why
don't you just come out and ask it?

Well, with certain people it's hard.

Don't be foolish. Now,
what time was the murder?

Between 6:00 and 7:00 p. m.

Between 6:00 and 7:00 p. m.

I was in my production
office, working.

Anybody with you?

No.

How can we verify that, sir?

Verify it?

If we could.

Verify it. That's
where I was. That's it.

Anything else?

No. Thank you very much.

WADE: The nominees for
Outstanding Directing and...

Lieutenant.

It just occurred to me, that my
presence in that production office,

is probably recorded on
the surveillance tape.

Oh.

Would that be of help?

Absolutely.

Good. Then I'll have it
ready. Any time you stop by.

Tomorrow?

Fine.

Thank you very much.

Marty, I'm sorry
to hold you up.

The nominees forOutstanding Director
in a miniseries or special are...

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GEARS GRINDING)

(BACKFIRING)

Could you back it up?

Move it back!

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

Are you all right?

No problem.

Hey, it looks pretty good.

I don't see anything. I
think the bumper saved you.

WADE: Lieutenant, do you see that?

They're gonna have to take off
the hood, try to match the paint.

It's going to cost about $2.000.

Well, why don't we look at my car?

What kind of car was that anyway?

Oh, this is a 1950 Peugeot,
sir, they're very rare.

This didn't just all happen.

Well, you see this here? That's new.

Oh, that just happened. Yeah.

(BUMPER CLANGING)

Got insurance?

Yes, sir.

It's not going to be easy to match
my paint. I can tell you that.

(SIGHING)

Oh, that shouldn't be too hard.

That looks like a standard gray.

Smoked silver, custom.

Smoked silver? Oh!

Hmm.

I presume you came for
the surveillance tape?

Yes, sir, I promised the
captain I'd pick it up today.

Fine.

Is everything all right?

Not serious. Just
help me get rid of him.

How do you do, ma'am?

Hey, look at the camera.
It's just like in a bank.

We have a lot of confidential
data here, Lieutenant.

If it got in the wrong hands,
it could do a lot of harm.

Well, I hope this
satisfies your captain.

I hope so too, sir, and
thank you very much for this.

You're welcome.

Oh, gee.

You know, while I'm here...

Maybe I'd better give you the
name of my insurance company.

Well, I think it'd be easier

if you'd just let the
production company handle it.

Oh, well, that's very nice.

Here are your notes for
the Policeman's Ball.

They want your okay on it.

Oh, we're going, you
know. The wife and I.

Oh, yeah, she's already picked
out a new outfit. She's so excited.

Well, I'll see you
tomorrow evening, sir.

(DOOR OPENING)

(SIGHS)

(BAND PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hello, Ken. You've
got quite a tan on you.

Thank you. I don't think
you've been working, huh?

Hi, Jim. Wade! How you doing?

Thanks for all that
help. Hello, ladies.

Wade! How are you?

How are you? Thanks. I'm fine.

I haven't seen you
since the Bel-Air Hotel.

That's right.

Lieutenant.

That's... That's quite a change.

Oh! Yeah.

It's my wife. She made me wear it.

Well, she's so excited.

(STUTTERS) I wondered...

Would you mind, could
I introduce you to her?

Certainly, but, we're going to
have to make it quick, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Gee, she was here a minute ago.

That's all I've
heard on the way over.

Oh, I know. Probably
in the ladies' room.

You know how women are. They
always want to look their best.

When you find her, you
bring her over to the table.

I'm looking forward to meeting her.

What? Is something
wrong, Lieutenant?

Well, it's your shirt, sir. It's so
perfect. There's not a wrinkle in it.

What'd you pay for that?

Well, I don't know. Maybe $300.

Just for the shirt?

Yeah. Starch was extra.

It's... It's Italian.

Well, that's amazing, sir.

Now, this shirt I got on,
it traveled just as far.

It only cost 29.95.

It's Korean.

Well, it's very nice, Lieutenant.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I've got to get to the table.

Oh, I don't want
to hold you up, sir.

Oh, Mr. Anders!

I know you're going to
want to hear about this.

Can this wait until later?

I realize this is not a good
time. I'm bothering you and all.

Right.

We found a film.

About a girl.

Holly.

She lives in Houston.

Why don't you go on up to the
table, I'll meet you there.

All right, fine.

Lieutenant.

What were you saying
about some girl in Houston?

There was an audio tape
in Budd Clarke's car.

His notes on information
on a party film.

Isn't that what they're called, sir?

Holly Does Houston.

You do remember it, don't you?

Lieutenant, why would you
mention that now, in here?

You knew that Budd Clarke
had a copy of the film?

How would I know that?

Well, he came to see you.

Wait a minute.

You don't think that was the story
he was working on, do you, sir?

Are you saying Budd Clarke
was planning to blackmail me?

That's a possibility.

What would that accomplish?

We all make mistakes.

I was very young and
that was a long time ago.

MAX: Oh, there you are.

Sorry, Lieutenant. Wade,
you're needed at the table.

Oh, would you tell Ken
we'll be right there.

Lieutenant, I would deem it
a great professional courtesy

if you'd not mention
this to anyone else.

Oh, I understand, sir.

Wade, you're holding
up the entire party!

I'm coming!

Sir...

Come on.

(DOGS BARKING)

Hi, Beauty! Dog ready?

I believe so, Lieutenant.
John, is Dog ready?

Ready to go.

Hello, Lieutenant. How are you?

I'm fine, John. Just fine. And you?

(GRUNTING) Oh, we're
just great. Here we go.

Oh! Get a look at you.

How good you look!

You know, there's not a dog
in the place you couldn't have.

(DOG GRUNTING)

He don't look too happy.

Come on. Come on, we got to go now.

Come on. (GRUNTING)

Come on, come on.

I think he's mad at me.

He shouldn't be. We gave
him the royal treatment.

A herbal conditioner after
the bath. Makes the skin soft.

And when Mrs. Columbo
heard we had a special,

she said, "Go ahead,
give him the pedicure."

The what?

Is Sebastian ready yet?

Yeah, I'll go get him. Hope
to see you soon, Lieutenant.

All right. Pedicure?

Oh, look, he's sulking.

All right, I'll give
you something you want.

You want a little beef? There.

Let me see your pedicure.

Oh, oh! That's nice.

Pedicure?

Hold this.

(DIALING)

FRANK: Hello?
Yeah? Yeah, Frank?

Columbo. Look, I'm going to
be over at the station at 4:00

to look at the surveillance tape.

When I get done, I want
a photographer there.

Photographer? Right.

You got it.

And tell the photographer
to bring the macro lens.

Instead of the video?

No, I want to look
at the tape first.

All right.

WOMAN: What are we
looking for, Lieutenant?

Let's just run it one more time.

Something's bothering me.

And I just can't
put my finger on it.

Well, I really don't know
what you're looking for.

You've run this so
many times already.

I know, but... Maybe this time.

That's it.

Okay, enough.

I saw all I need.

(CREW CHATTERING LOUDLY)

That's fantastic. Max, you did it.

Remind me to call the
network in the morning,

I want to use this
for this week's promo.

You got it.

Well, a few of us are going
out for some Mexican food,

if you guys want to join us?

Oh, count me in, I'm starved.

Wade?

You're starved and I'm tired.

I'm going to do some work
and then I'll head on home.

Come on. Come on.

You all go ahead. Thank you.

All right, good night.

Good night, Wade.

Good night, sir. Good work, Max.

(DOOR CLOSING)

COLUMBO: I saw the tape.

Lieutenant?

You... You saw the tape?

Yeah, I saw the surveillance
tape you gave me.

And?

I'd like you to see it, sir.

I've already seen it, Lieutenant.

You know, I kept
looking at that tape,

I couldn't figure out just what
it was that was bothering me.

There's nothing wrong
with that tape, Lieutenant.

I can assure you that.
I've seen it myself.

I'd like you to see it again, sir.

I don't need to see it, Lieutenant.

I'm tired and I've got
a lot of work to do.

Mr. Anders.

Mr. Anders, there is
something you should see.

What is it that's
bothering you, Lieutenant?

Why don't you look for
yourself, then decide?

This better be worth my time.

If you would, sir.

It's perfectly fine,
Lieutenant. Just as I said.

It would appear that way, but if you
could just play it once again, sir.

There. Right there. Stop there.

Do you see, sir, when you
came in the production office,

the hedges were neatly trimmed.

You claim that was Saturday morning.

Now, it's seven hours later,

you can tell that by the
clock and you're leaving.

But it can't be Saturday
night, because, look.

Look at the hedges!

Well, even my niece's green thumb
couldn't grow hedges that fast.

Just what are you
driving at, Lieutenant?

That you weren't in your
production office as you said,

at the time that Mr. Clarke died.

(DOG PANTING)

Have you ever seen this kid before?

No, I can't say I have.

COLUMBO: What about the
dog? Have you seen the dog?

WADE: No. Are you sure?

How should I remember
every dog I see?

It's Budd Clarke's dog.

Well, how should I know that?

Are you sure you've never
seen that dog before?

I have never been to
Budd Clarke's house.

You have never been
to Budd Clarke's house?

No, I have never been
to Budd Clarke's house.

I don't even know where he lives!

You have never been to Budd
Clarke's house. Are you sure of that?

Lieutenant, how many times
do I have to answer that?

Frank! Did you get that?

(DOOR OPENING)

Yeah, I got it.

This is a real friendly dog.

(WHIMPERING)

Got a missing claw.

When we had that car accident
the other day in your parking lot,

I felt some scratches
on the car door.

Didn't think too much
about it at the time.

But then I remembered,

that the first time I went
to Budd Clarke's house,

this dog was all over my car.

Made some scratches.
Nothing serious.

And the scratches on your car door

came to about the same place
as the scratches on mine.

Then it hit me.

We used a special magnifying lens.

See, your car door, left paw,
three scratches, right, four.

My car door. Left, three scratches,
right, four. Exactly the same.

So you see, sir, you had to
have been at Mr. Clarke's home.

A dog?

(WHIMPERING) Man's best friend.

Well, at least you got a
good story for our show.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Tune in,
CrimeAlert, Tuesday at 9:00 p. m.

And see the capture of Duke
Dimarco and Barbara Baylor.

No, I don't think so.

But it will be for the 11:00 news.

Remember!Keep your eyes
openand stay alert!

(DOG BARKING)

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