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Darling, are you okay?

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

Something is wrong with Laszlo.

It has been like this a few weeks now.

He just sits in the library, staring off into space.

I have never seen him like this before.

Ah, Laszlo, I've just been reading this book

about the Battle Of Quiberon Bay.

Could you explain to me the difference between

an Endymion-class frigate and a brigantine?

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

I fear I am to blame.

Laszlo is so worried about this hex

that is ruining my eternal life

that he is emotionally depleted.

Sadly, I think it is

because his world has been rocked

by the fact that I am in such a good place.

Actually, I keep having these dreams

where I'm a small child,

and Laszlo is... my daddy.

Oh, that is actually because that did happen, Colin Robinson.

I think I would remember Laszlo wiping my bottom.

It's 'cause he did.

Though, to be fair, that...

that is what's happening

in-in the dream.

- Ew. - Please stop.

Laszlo?

Laszlo?

Yeah, it's my fault.

Laszlo's been working so hard to figure out

why I'm not a full vampire yet.

And Laszlo hates defeat, so,

I think it's broken his brain.

Laszlo, I just want you to know that it's okay.

- You did your best. - Gizmo?

Ah. Yes. Yes, I'm here for you.

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

Even his libido is out of whack.

I mean, we are down to, like, only 16 fucks a week.

We are down to just three.

I can't even get enough of a rise out of him

for a mini-drain.

Oh, good Lord. Ooh!

Does the limited warranty cover the power cord, or just

- the main unit itself? - Ooh, I have been hammering

- so hard on these big nails. - Good one, Jimbo. You got me there.

- Yeah, no, I'd love to go on hold. Sure. - Ooh. Ooh.

Let's pound some rivets, baby.

Look what I found.

A big box of ships and pornography.

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com -

Ugh. Anything?

Remember: there are no stupid ideas,

just stupid people.

What do we know about Laszlo?

Guillermo, you spend

a lot of your life being very miserable and sad.

Do you have any ideas?

- Okay. - Is it all right if I pitch an idea?

What about if we threw Laszlo a roast?

Right? Where we all give funny speeches about Laszlo,

kind of tease him a little bit,

and it just makes him so happy for some reason?

Hold on!

- I've got one. - Yes?

Nope. Lost it.

What if... hear me out on this...

what if we threw Laszlo a roast?

Love that idea!

Now, this is an idea I like!

- I just said that. - How did you think of that?

- I said it so loud. - Well done, Colin.

No peeking, cheeky.

Surprise!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the official roast

of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth!

Yes, Laszlo, this night is for you.

Just look at this crowd!

We gathered all

the people that love you into this one room.

And then when we saw all the empty chairs,

we decided to drag some randos in off the street to fill them!

So many illustrious guests here on the dais tonight.

And also Colin Robinson.

He got me. I got got.

Our neighbor Sean is here.

- Hey-yo! - Don't worry. We hypnotized him

so he's not gonna remember anything tomorrow.

- Seanie. - Seanie.

I see the great Baron Afanas is here this evening,

restored to his original splendor, thank goodness.

For a couple of years, the baron looked a lot like

if George Hamilton had had sex with some pork rinds.

- Hmm. - I see that The Guide is also here.

So, everyone, please join me

in saluting the man of the hour,

the one, the only Laszlo Cravensworth.

We've known each other so many, many years, you know.

We can practically finish each other's hand jobs.

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

We are just getting started. It is your roast.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

It's Laszlo's roast.

- It is his... - Roast.

- It's Laszlo's... - Roast!

We'll be back right after this.

If you think the missionary position involves

lying on top of a missionary,

you might be a Laszlo Cravensworth!

If the first thing you look for in a woman is your dick,

you might just be...

a Laszlo Cravensworth!

If you think ejaculating onto the pillow counts

as "cooking your wife dinner," you might just be...

A Laszlo Cravensworth.

Women can be funny.

Ooh.

Some describe Laszlo

as a man of arts and letters.

I can think of a couple of letters to describe Laszlo.

"F" and "W."

Uh, no, not "W." Uh, "U."

Sorry. It was supposed to be "F" and...

I think I'm just going

to tell a story.

A story called "The Aristocrats."

Ah, shit. Oh, I wasn't supposed to say the name till the end.

Forget I said the name of it.

Um, anyway, a father, a mother, a son

and a daughter walk into a talent agent's office.

And the... the father says,

"Boy, have I got an act for you!"

Uh, and the talent agent says, "Well, let's see it then."

Oh, and-and there's a... a dog.

Uh, the family dog. That's important to note.

Up next, we have a man

who knows more about roasting than his beloved Arby's.

- Hmm? - When this guy starts roasting a vampire,

you better bring a bun, and also some ketchup.

I don't get it.

I did whisper to the baron that

it was Guillermo who opened the door

that let the sun come in to burn his body into bits, you know,

a few years ago because

he didn't know what the joke was.

And I was trying to help him, 'cause being left out of a joke,

it sucks.

So give it up for an expert

on raking 'em over the coals,

or should I say the foyer rug...

Okay, okay. Thank you.

And then I did also mention

that Guillermo had Van Helsing lineage.

That one just slipped out.

So, we are all here tonight to honor Laszlo Cravensworth.

Cravensworth? I'm more like,

Cravensworth-less.

Might I say a word or two?

Yes, absolutely, Baron. Please vacate

the microphone for the baron. Please welcome a man

who knows quite a lot about... sick burns.

Baron Afanas.

Look at this festive assembly.

All of us, gathered here together,

chuckling at jokes and silliness.

And jackanapery.

I guess there's only one thing left to say.

What is this shit?

Very good.

You call yourselves vampires?

Bah. This entire evening has been nothing but

a pageant of insipid nonsense.

Yes.

Worshipping at the altar of your own mediocre frivolity.

A jester's hollow dance.

And who is laughing?

Yeah!

Vampires are supposed to have

blood orgies and slaughter circles.

Gah! You have all gone soft.

You even invited humans to this asinine affair.

All right, you know what? Sean is cool.

He's a good time. I take that one back.

But everything else is an embarrassment

to the very word "vampire."

Baron, we just were

trying to, you know, cheer up Laszlo a bit.

He just hasn't been himself lately.

Vampires do not need cheering up!

We vampires are not cheerful creatures.

We sit, and we brood, for centuries on end,

plotting the demise of our foes and innocent bystanders alike!

- Oh, okay, I guess we didn't really see it like that... - Uh!

And the worst part?

I find out only tonight

that you have all been keeping secrets around here, have you not?

For years, I now know that you have been harboring

a vampire killer...

right here under your own roof...

- Uh... - ... who, in fact, tried to kill me.

What? What vampire...

Do not insult my intelligence!

So, vampire killer.

Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Well, I, uh...

It doesn't matter what you have to say! Seize him!

Run!

Baron, show him mercy!

Let us give you the very simple explanation!

- Guillermo. - Guillermo.

Are-are you o...

- Behind you. - What?

- Ooh. - Laszlo?

- Laszlo! - Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

Baron, stop!

- It was just a mix-em-up! - A whoopsie-daisy!

Stay out of this!

Gah!

- Don't film this. - Okay.

- Hey, guys. - Not now!

Oh, I just wanted to take a quick moment

to apologize for telling the baron

that it was Guillermo who burned him to a crisp.

- Not now. - That's on me.

- Are you done? - Sorry.

You know what, Nandor? I think let's just sit this one out.

Let them two sort it out between themselves.

Hmm?

Ah...

You are forgetting that Guillermo is a vampire killer.

Which means he could kill the baron.

We are direct descendants of the baron's vampiric line,

which means we would all die.

Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing

- if we ended up dying? - Wh... Are you okay?

Yeah. I've just been going through a lot lately.

So... Fine.

if we want to live, then yes, I do have a plan.

Guillermo?

- Nadja, anything? - No!

No sign of Gizmo or the baron.

Wait. Hang on. Hey!

Come here, you little shit!

Shit.

- What? - I got him!

Meet me out front!

She's got him! I'm coming!

- You got Guillermo? - No. The baron.

Are you telling me Baron Afanas cannot fight

- his way out of a burlap sack? - I think he's injured.

We had quite the scuffle in there.

How badly is he hurt?

- There you are. - Because if he dies...

- Yes, we know. - Oh, shut up, Guillermo.

Guillermo, help me.

These two imbeciles, they are trying to kill me.

You know, if you help the baron, he might forgive you.

Yeah. Okay, Baron. I want to help you.

- But you have to promise not to hurt me. - Yes.

- I promise. Please. - Okay, then.

Let's just get you out of here. You're gonna be safe.

And...

All right, dudes.

Now what? Yoo-hoo?

Baron?

We've got the little motherfucker, Baron!

Nicely done.

And now? Leave him to me.

Baron, we ask that you show Guillermo mercy.

No! Ow.

What is the meaning of this?

- Sorry. - Terribly.

So, to review again, Baron...

- Mm-hmm. - ... you agree that

when Guillermo opened the door

and fried you by the sun,

he did not know that you were inside at the time?

I do.

Great. And, Guillermo,

you accept, even though it was an accident,

that the baron has every right to be very mad

at the fact that he got fried by the sun?

I-I do.

I will accept your apology if you will accept

- the fact that I'm still going to kill you. - What?

- No. No. - Guillermo, he is trying to meet you in the middle here.

- Come on. - It's like he doesn't even want this to be resolved.

By my killing him.

No, I do want this to be resolved, but...

Okay, you know what? Let's take a hard five.

Guillermo, I will take a carafe of your finest blood.

Ah, yes. Okay. I will fetch.

Baron Afanas?

Yes, snake?

I can't help my vampire hunter lineage,

but I want you to know that I have renounced it.

And how did you do this?

Guillermo? This is dangerous territory.

I...

got turned into a vampire.

You...

are a vampire?

Guillermo is a vampire? Did everybody else know this?

Delicious. Ah!

Oh, such a flamboyant, perverse betrayal of your own kind.

Oh, I like it a lot.

And kudos to Nandor.

Mm? To turn a Van Helsing,

a vampire killer, into a vampire?

Oh! Oh, that is a big get.

I must congratulate him when he returns.

Well, see, that's the thing.

It wasn't Nandor that turned me.

- What? - Oh, it was that vampire named Derek.

How could you do such a thing?

I've just been waiting for this a long time,

and yeah, it's still a bit sticky, but...

Oh, "sticky"?

I think it is a bit more than just "sticky."

It is a devastation. A violation.

A humiliation!

A shame from which neither you nor Nandor shall ever recover.

I know, I know, and that's exactly why I haven't told him.

And I would appreciate it if none of you

tell him, either.

You know me, I'm-I'm like a vault...

with stuff.

Yeah, and I'm not gonna tell anyone anything.

In fact, I'd very much like

to be excluded from this narrative.

Me, too. I should go.

Guillermo, you and I? We are good.

- Oh. - You all have much graver matters

to discuss here,

and I want no part of what might transpire if...

Here we go! Blood for the vampires.

- Baron. - Mm.

And a flat Pepsi for Guillermo.

- Thank you. - So, what did I miss?

- Mm? - Oh, Guillermo and I have

called a truce.

A truce? So, you are not killing him, then?

Well, I will not be the one

to take this familiar's life tonight.

Oh, that's great.

Good to hear.

So good, in fact, I propose a toast.

To the baron, to Guillermo,

to the work we have achieved tonight.

Cheers!

- Oh, that's sweet. - May I?

Mm.

If I could have a moment alone with Guillermo?

- Alone. - Mm.

Yeah, no, please.

- Thank you, Nandor. - Yes, thank you, Baron.

Thank you.

Guillermo, vampire to vampire...

A secret like this,

it will not stay hidden forever.

It is best that Nandor hears it from you.

- I know. - Mm.

But...

what do you think he'll do?

Probably kill you.

Then himself.

That is what I would do.

- Right. - Mm.

You know, it's funny, I did all this because

I want to be a vampire, a great vampire.

- Like Nandor, like you. - Oh...

Your heart is in the right place, my boy.

And please know that I am rooting for you, hmm?

- To not get killed. - Oh. Thank you.

- But... these things happen. - Well, I hope not.

Can't afford another accident on my watch.

No! No!

- Guillermo, no! No, no! - Ah, no!

Well, things were almost okay.

But now, not so much.

As soon as the sun sets and the baron is awoken,

he is going to track Guillermo down until he is very much, well...

- Dead. - Shut up.

I'm sure he will be safe.

And dead.

Sunset approaches.

Is it me, or does he look like a shriveled-up nutsack?

- Laszlo? Any ideas? - Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

Oh, good evening.

- Baron, listen. Guillermo is... - Oh, where was I?

Ah, yes. About to kill Guillermo, yes.

Baron, I... I beg mercy.

I know that Guillermo has made some mistakes.

He nearly killed you twice.

- Mm. - And he's even massacred

an entire theater of vampires.

- Wait, what? - But he did so to defend his master.

Whatever Guillermo's flaws may be,

he has always been loyal to me.

- Has he? - Yes, Baron.

Mm...

Has he, though?

Yes, Baron, he has.

You are certain of...

Yes! I-I am.

Well, I would just say it is complicated,

but we can discuss this further after I kill him, yes?

Now, where would he run?

I will need Guillermo's scent.

I say, Baron,

if you're looking for Gizmo, he's not here.

You'll find him in the toolshed.

That's where he goes to hide and wank.

Thank you.

Why would you say that?

Well, why delay the inevitable?

Plus, I was sick of hearing you lot waffle on.

If you'll excuse me...

Guillermo!

Well, at least he died doing what he loved:

beating off in the toolshed.

Oh...

Oh, no.

Oh...

Okay, now I'm starting to feel a little bad.

But on the bright side, he-he was just a familiar.

He was not just a familiar.

He was my bodyguard.

He was the best man at my wedding.

He was my friend.

Okay, yes, yes. It is all very sad.

But I think we should now get him in the ground

before he starts to stink.

Laszlo, can you come and help carry this, please?

- That's not Gizmo. - What do you mean it's not Gizmo?

What I mean is...

it's not Gizmo.

- What are you doing? - Stand aside.

- Laszlo, what are you doing? - Laszlo, I do not think we need to eat him.

Ooh, yeesh!

Stop that! Stop that!

Eesh.

Does Gizmo have gills?

- You mean lungs? - I mean gills.

So he can breathe underwater.

And does he have an amphibious egg sac?

- Maybe? - He never said. Uh... I never asked.

He wore a lot of layers.

It was hard to see what was going on under all that.

- Oh! - Oh! Why do his eyes look like that?

It's not Gizmo. It's a byproduct of

my scientific experimentation gone awry.

So, where is the real Guillermo, then?

Fucked if I know. Excuse me, my darling.

- Hmm? - Ah, you know what?

I will let him go.

After all of that?

I was going on and on about all of you

and how you've gone soft.

Deep down...

- it is I who have gone soft. - What?

- No. - Ridiculous.

Let us be candid here.

I live in the suburbs of New Jersey.

In a two-bedroom craftsman

with a breakfast nook.

- Oh, hello. - None of my neighbors live in fear of me.

I have a dog.

A hellhound, but I get it.

Good boy.

But what about the Sire?

Two ancient legendary vampires.

At this point, we are more like roommates

than roommates who viciously murder humans

together, you know?

It can be lonely, this American dream.

What the fuck is that?

- Laszlo! - What is it now?

Huh. Well, that one's clearly pregnant.

It's hard to believe I'll never see Guillermo again.

I hope he is okay out there.

Pretty sure I told him to dust in here.

Fly like the wind, my little friend.

Guillermo! You're here.

I just figured this would be

the last place the Baron would look.

- Is he still looking? - No, no. But hang on.

We've had one mix-up already today.

How do I know you are the real Guillermo?

Master, it's me.

- What is Guillermo's last name? - De La Cruz.

But I doubt I'm the only one who would know that.

You'd be surprised, but fine. It's a gimme.

How does Guillermo do my hair on formal occasions?

- Half up, half down. - Also known as...?

Half down, half up?

Ah, so close.

I was looking for "Saratoga split."

The Saratoga Split.

- I should have known that one. - Last one.

The first day that Guillermo became my familiar,

he gave me a card.

What did that card say?

It said...

"To be a vampire is my dream.

But to be your familiar

will be my honor.

Thank you for this opportunity."

Close enough.

Okay, you're the real Guillermo. Excuse me.

I can't believe you remember that.

We have a long history, Guillermo.

I imagine that I know you better than almost anyone.

Enough to know when you have been keeping a little secret...

from me? Hmm?

Is there something you'd like to tell me?

I... I d...

You made a fart in my coffin, didn't you?

I made a fart in your coffin.

See? I know you better than anyone. Boop.

So it seems that everything worked out?

Kind of? To be honest, I can't really keep track of

whatever the fuck is going on around here.

But I did find a new home for

these disgusting little Guillermo toads, so there's that.

As you can see, I came home from Staten Island

with a bit more than just a charred-up body.

Vampire says, "Freeze."

This charming litter of mutants.

Show your fangs.

I did not say, "Vampire says!"

It's given the Sire and me

so much that we can do together.

And thanks to Guillermo,

for the first time in a long time...

Hello.

... I am terrifying again.

I suppose with the right company,

it can be beautiful, this eternal existence.

Eh. Not all of them make it.

I just wish you would talk to me, Laszlo.

Yes, yes. Very good, thank you.

I mean, is it something I've done?

Is this hex that I've been cursed with that hangs all around me

made me, in your eyes, like an uggo or something?

Oh, yes! That's it.

- What's it? - Despite the frequent interruptions,

I've been sat here trying to decide

if I should organize my books

alphabetically by author, or by title.

But you've been sat here for three weeks.

Time well-spent, I think. And I've decided...

you'd be pleased to know... author.

First thought, best thought.

- Have I missed anything good? - No!

This guy.

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