Original subtitles

The 10th Kingdom Complete Miniseries Part 1 Of 5 English ("Wishing on a Star" by Anne Dudley)

♪ I'm wishing on a star ♪

♪ To follow where you are ♪

♪ I'm wishing on a dream ♪

♪ To follow what it means ♪

♪ And I wish on all the rainbows ♪

♪ That I've seen ♪

♪ I wish on all the people ♪

♪ Who really dream ♪

♪ I'm wishing on a star ♪

♪ To follow where you are ♪

[Virginia] My name is Virginia

and I live on the edge of the forest.

(chuckles)

Well, kind of.

My dad's a janitor.

That's how we got to have an apartment

on the edge of Central Park.

And you might think that the fact

that I still live with my dad is a bit sad and...

(snorts)

Well, you might be right.

Oh!

But, I don't know, I'm all he's got really

and I'm sort of permanently

between boyfriends at the moment.

So, you know.

I'm just a waitress at the grill on the park,

but one day, I'm going to find a partner

and open a restaurant of my own.

All I need's a good man who's interested in food.

(creaking)

(clicking)

(Slam)

Did you see this?

Look at this, this has been chewed.

It's not my job.

This is an electrician's job, but who gets to do it?

Where are you going?

To work, Dad, like I do every day.

Oh.

On the way back,

use the stairs.

(ding)

Just in case.

(Caws)

(slow ominous music)

(Caws)

(footsteps)

Who's there?

(footsteps)

(zaps)

(twinkling)

(vibrating hiss)

(galloping)

(lighthearted orchestral music)

So, where exactly are we going?

To Beantown, in the southwest corner of your kingdom, sir.

You're accepting the throne that the craftsmen there

have made for your coronation.

Well, is it much further?

Can't we stop and go hunting or something?

Very shortly, sir.

We must make a brief stop

at the Snow White Memorial Prison.

(sighs)

I hate these outer provinces.

The people are so common.

Your stepmother has applied for parole again

which we will, of course, turn down.

(sighs)

It's simply a routine courtesy visit.

(creaking)

Stop it!

[Relish] You're pathetic.

Call yourselves trolls?

You make me ashamed.

Sorry, Dad.

Sorry, Dad.

It won't happen again.

[Relish] This is the last time I come and rescue you.

Come on, Dad, take off the magic shoes.

[Relish] I can handle them.

(whooshing)

(groans)

(zaps)

[Tony] You know what I'm startin' to think?

I'm startin' to think that the only kind of people

they want in this country are guys like me.

You know, guys who will work for scraps, do six jobs.

Basically, bend over and take it.

Wanna know something, darling?

10, 15 years tops, this country

is finished as a democracy.

I'm telling you, as a caring society,

where people do things for each

other, we're done, we're finished.

We are out of here.

Your barbecue ribs are on top of the microwave.

(dings)

Tony, I have been calling this elevator

for the last half hour.

I thought you fixed it.

I did, sir, but it's broken again.

Well, don't take all night on it.

You've got to look at that boiler.

It's driving everybody crazy.

There's air in the pipes.

The whole system's got to be drained and bled.

Yes, sir.

I just have to fix the leak in number nine

and then I'm right on it.

Tony, I am only going to tell you this once.

There are an awful lot of people

out there who would love your job.

An awful lotta people.

Yes, sir.

Drain the system.

I'd like to drain his system.

[Victoria] Bye, Daddy.

Oh, oh, oh, listen.

Don't go through the park, promise?

Yup.

Have you got a coat?

You're gonna get cold.

Oh, what did you fix me for dinner?

(whoosh)

[Woman] Wait.

Come to me.

(snorting)

(foreboding orchestral music)

(Yawns)

Well, this is marvelous, isn't it?

Not exactly the red carpet treatment.

I'm sure they won't have forgotten

about our visit, Your Majesty.

(creaking)

Suck an elf.

Oh, you were right.

"Maximum security."

We're not supposed to be in here.

Dad, no one's ever allowed in there.

(creaking)

This is where they keep the Queen.

(whoosh)

(Slam)

Stop.

(Slam)

Dad, this is really bad.

(creaking)

(Slam)

[Blabberwort] No, Dad, Dad, where are you going?

Dad, this could be a trap.

[Burly] Dad, don't.

No!

Dad!

(whoosh)

[Woman] Open the door.

Open the door to everything you desire.

(creeks)

(woman singing acapella)

Giles?

Giles?

(menacing orchestral music)

(creaking)

Hello?

(sighs)

Giles.

(Slam)

Hello, princey!

(laughing)

(thud) (yells)

Did that hurt?

I'd like you to meet my sister.

(thud) (Yelps)

(thud) (yells)

(moans)

(yells)

(thud)

Now he's mine.

I get the first shot.

You got the first last time.

[Bluebell] I always get the first...

Enough.

You're a long way from your castle, Wendell.

Perhaps you should have stayed there.

My silly little stepson.

You, you...

You will pay for this.

On the contrary.

I think that you will beg at my feet for food.

Do you know what this is?

This is a very special kind of dog.

This is a magical dog.

I hope you like dogs, Wendell.

You're going to spend the rest of your life as one.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(Pat)

(twinkling)

(laughing) (clapping)

(barking)

Come, come, Prince Wendell.

You don't greet people on all fours, do you?

(laughing)

[Relish] Get him.

Stop him, bring him back to me alive.

We'll get him.

He's not going anywhere.

He can't escape.

We're in a prison.

Well, Your Highness.

Just what do you have to say for yourself?

(stutters)

Where's my tail gone?

[Virginia] I guess you get to a certain age

and you realize that nothing exciting

is ever going to happen to you.

And maybe that's just the way it is.

You know, maybe some people just have quiet lives.

(muffled shouting)

Give us some food, say.

I haven't had any food since yesterday.

Let us out.

Come on, just give us the key.

Let us out.

You.

(gasps)

Hello.

What are you?

Me?

A very, very fine chap, falsely impris...

Do not make me ask again.

I'm a...

(scratches)

Shh...

Half-wolf.

If I give you your freedom, you must

agree to serve me without question.

Oh, breakfast, lunch, dinner.

I am your wolf.

"Loyalty" is my middle name.

I've turned Prince Wendell into a dog.

Good idea.

Find him before the trolls.

Oh, trolls.

Wait.

Give your will to me.

Be mine to summon

and control.

Do you understand?

[Wolf] Yeah.

(suspenseful action music)

(grunts)

(thud) (yells)

(yells) (thud)

Come on.

(sniffs)

(sighs)

(grows)

(crashing)

(whoosh)

(tinkling)

(barks)

(grows)

[Wolf] Huff, puff.

What's going on here?

(whooshing) (twinkling)

(boom)

(gasps)

(yells)

(thudding)

(boom)

Wow.

(big city music)

(boom)

(boom)

(boom)

[Burly] Suck an elf.

Where are we?

Wow, get a look at that.

This isn't part of the nine kingdoms.

This is a magical place.

Look at all those lights.

[Bluebell] They must go through a ton of candles.

Maybe we should claim this kingdom.

That's a sensational idea.

Let's grab it before someone else does.

I hereby claim this land and all its inhabitants

in the name of the Troll Nation.

Henceforth, it shall be known as...

What shall we call it?

(gasping)

The 10th Kingdom.

Ah.

[All] The 10th Kingdom!

(epic instrumental music)

In a month, I will have crushed the House of White.

I will have Wendell's castle and his kingdom

and for helping me to escape you may

have half his kingdom to rule.

Half the fourth kingdom, but it's huge.

What's your plan?

What do I have to do?

Simply allow me the use of your children

until they've captured the Prince for me.

That's all?

Tell no one what you've seen, of course.

Do I get to choose

which half of the kingdom I want?

(moans)

Oh my god, I've killed it.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm sorry.

(whimpers)

Where's your master?

How come you don't have a collar?

(faraway chatter)

Come on, let's get out of here.

(comedic orchestral music)

(grunts)

[Bluebell] Ah...

(gasping)

Hello.

(screams) (loud slam)

(laughs)

(footsteps)

Oh, my wallet.

(clicks tongue) (growls)

Look at this.

It's not even leather.

Are there any other shoes in here?

[Blabberwort] What's this?

(groans)

(Smack) (grunts)

♪ Night fever, night fever ♪

♪ We know how to do it ♪

More magic.

(distant siren wailing)

(howling)

No.

Virginia, just leave.

Go.

(barks)

(grunting)

There.

There's been an incident.

Aha!

Lookie look.

[Burly] Dog hairs.

Ah, calfskin.

Nicey nice.

Squeaky clean.

(growling savagely) (struggling)

"If found, please return to Virginia Lewis,"

"apartment 2006, number two,"

"East Eighty-Onest Street."

"Eighty-Onest Street?"

Yeah, that's what it says, "eighty-onest."

How 'bout this way?

Come on, let's go!

[Burly] Come on, let's go.

(breathes in deeply)

(exhales)

(gasps)

Meat.

(grows)

(soft atmospheric music)

(chatter)

(door opens)

(clattering)

Hi.

Oh, and where have you been, huh?

I've been covering for you.

[Virginia] Thank you.

Your head, you're bleeding.

I smashed my bike and I lost my wallet

and I've picked up a new boyfriend.

Oh...

(laughing)

Well, hello.

I hit him with my bike, but I don't think he's hurt.

I mean, he's not bleeding or anything.

[Candy] What's his name?

I don't know, he doesn't have a collar.

Uh huh, come on, let's see, huh?

You look like a prince to me, huh?

Yes.

Hello, Prince.

Hello, hello.

(soft atmospheric music)

Oh...

(snarls)

(grows)

Tasty.

Remember what you came here for.

Find the Prince, find the Prince.

But huff puff.

A wolf's got to eat, hasn't he?

Can't work on an empty stomach.

(sniffs)

(gasps)

I smell dog!

Would you believe it?

Work and pleasure combined.

All right, you can stay in here

and I'll come back when I can and check on you.

Don't make a noise or you'll get me the sack.

(barks)

Shh.

Quiet or I'll put you outside.

So, the specials are lamb...

Lamb?

(gasps)

New season's lamb, I hope.

Young and juicy and frolicking provocatively in the fields,

bouncing up and down with soft, fluffy wool.

(gasps)

Stop it.

Pull yourself together.

Some shepherdess not really paying attention

to the flock, probably asleep, if I know little girls.

Well, I'm not gonna eat her.

(chuckles)

Not if there's a lamb filet or a nice fat rack of chops.

I'm not greedy.

Well, I am greedy.

I don't know why I just said that.

I have a substantial appetite.

Born to gorge.

That's me.

(honking)

(yells)

Suck an elf.

(honking)

(grunting)

All right.

(brakes squealing)

(glass shattering)

(radiator hissing)

(yelling)

(smash)

Our carriage is here.

(laughing)

(soft atmospheric music)

Okay.

- [Wolf] No, no!

[Victoria] Sir, what can I get you?

Rare implies dangerously cooked.

When I say, "rare," I mean just let it look

at the oven in terror, then bring it out to me.

No fries, no vegetables.

Just meat.

Red...

As a young girl's first blush.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I missed that.

I'll have a jug of margarita, a diet cola,

and two beers, okay?

(barking)

And my wife will have...

I'm sorry, I'll be right back.

A double, big...

(clattering)

[Voiceover] Cold plates.

All right, that's it, I'm taking you outside.

(sighs)

(slow ominous music)

(chuckles)

Okay, Candy, very funny.

You can come out.

I suppose you wrote that, eh?

(barks)

Bark once.

(barks)

(chuckles)

Okay, bark twice.

(barks twice)

(shrieks)

Okay, so, you got the lamb special

and six glasses of warm milk.

Yeah.

(gasps)

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Uh huh?

I almost forgot.

Uh, I'm looking for this lovely lady

who found my doggie.

Oh, so, it's yours.

Oh.

I'll tell Virginia.

She's out back.

Can you

understand everything I'm saying?

(barks)

Stop it!

Well, who's in danger?

Both of us?

(barks)

Whoa.

Just wait a minute.

(ominous instrumental music)

Oh, you can't come in here.

Oh.

(grows)

Um...

She must've gone home, you know?

Maybe she hurt herself when she fell.

Oh, poor little sausage.

Why don't you tell me where she lives?

That way I can thank her.

Oh, Well, I...

I can't tell you where she lives.

You know, um, I don't know who you are.

Oh...

(Slam)

Oh.

You can tell me.

(snarls)

(distant siren wailing)

This is my stop.

You gotta go now.

(sighs)

Okay, you can just stay one night

and then you're on your own.

Do you understand?

(barks)

I've gone crazy.

How can I be talking to a dog?

(barking)

Yes, I have.

Don't try and reassure me.

(snoring softly)

That's Mrs. Graves from next door.

And her husband, and their son Eric.

(barks)

(barks)

(sighs)

What's happened to them?

(ding)

(creaking)

Wait here.

(barks)

Shh, Wait.

I'm gonna go see if Dad's all right.

(ding)

(foreboding orchestral music)

Dad.

Dad, wake up.

(door closes)

[Burly] What do you think?

Look.

Here they are.

(sighs admiringly)

Soft cow.

Nicey nice.

(loud growling)

[Bluebell] Walk the catwalk.

(chuckling)

Hello there, girlie.

These shoes.

They've been very badly cared for.

They're, they're scuffed, and cracked and neglected.

(crashing)

You have nice shoes and so tiny.

We have hundreds of pairs at home.

So we know what we're talking about.

[Virginia] Who are you and what

have you done to my dad?

[Burly] Aw, he's just sleeping.

Hit him with a bit of troll dust, that's all.

Troll dust?

I am Burly the troll, feared throughout the nine kingdoms.

[Blabberwort] I am Blabberwort the troll,

dreaded throughout the nine kingdoms.

[Bluebell] And I am Bluebell the troll,

terrified throughout the nine kingdoms.

(yelling)

(explosion)

(gasps)

(crackling)

So, where is he?

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Blabberwort] Prince Wendell.

Who?

[Burly] The dog.

(Yelps) (grunts)

[Blabberwort] We are going to count to three and then we

are going to make you into a pair of shoes.

One, I'll cut the shoes.

Two, I will shape the shoes.

Three, I will stick...

All right, all right!

I'll tell you where he is.

He's here.

He's just, uh, outside.

[Burly] Show us.

Take us to him.

(groaning)

[Bluebell] Go through the door.

Be careful.

Shut up, Bluebell.

(ding)

Where is he?

(ding)

He's hiding, uh...

Behind those doors.

(grunting)

(yelling)

(gasping)

That room was not there a moment ago.

You are crafty.

(soft menacing music)

There's no one in here!

Oh, yes, he's here.

I'm, I'm just gonna operate the secret door

and show you where he's hiding.

[Burly] No!

It's a trick.

[Bluebell] Open this door!

(Slam)

(screaming)

Suck an elf.

(yelling)

Open UP-

(Zapping)

All right, come on.

Let's get out of here.

Dad'll be all right.

I think it's you they're after.

(knocking)

(snoring)

(knocking)

Oh, whatever it is, go away.

Good evening.

Trolls have been to visit you first, I see.

(maps)

No matter.

Tonight and tonight only, I am authorized

to make you a unique offer.

Namely, the end to all your personal and financial problems.

Hey, hey, just hold it a second right there.

You take another step, I'm gonna call the cops.

It's private property.

Under the terms of this policy

I am, in exchange for information

as to the whereabouts of your daughter,

able to offer you this magic bean

which, once eaten, will give you

six glorious wishes.

(snorts)

Is this her?

This can't be her.

What do you mean?

Oh, she's succulent!

What a dreamy, creamy girl!

(whimpering)

(whimpering)

(howling)

Tasty, or what?

(grunting rhythmically)

(yelling)

(yelling) (Crackling)

(exhausted sigh)

I've been thinking back over the years

and I feel this is quite the worst

spell we have ever been put under.

We've had some stinkers but nothing like this.

She's a powerful little witch, that one.

I think we might be in her pocket.

[Blabberwort] Hmm?

What?

I think she might have shrunk us

and put us in a matchbox in her pocket.

That's ridiculous.

You're falling to pieces.

Get a grip on yourself.

How can we be in a matchbox, you idiot?

Where are all the matches?

(vibrating squeal)

(soft boinging)

What the hell's it doing?

Six big wishes.

Imagine having anything you desire.

And from the look of your modest surroundings

I'm sure there are many things that you'd love to change.

I, oh...

Well, you know, I would...

Uh, just get the hell out of my apartment, all right?

Well...

This is a joke, right?

No, no.

It's a standard multiple-wishes deal,

six wishes, no going back on wishes once made,

no making five wishes and wishing for another thousand.

Now, come on, is that a fair deal or what?

Now...

Where is your lovely daughter?

(sniffs)

What do you want her for?

Simply to reclaim my little doggy which she found earlier.

Dog?

There's even a reward involved

which I intend to give her personally.

(sighs)

If she's not at work she'll be at my mother-in-law's.

Ooh.

She's always trying to turn Virginia against me.

Does this mother-in-law like, uh, flowers?

She likes money.

That's the only thing that impresses her.

Address, please.

It's been a pleasure.

Wait, hold on a second.

How long does this take to work?

Oh, don't worry, the first three hours

are the worst.

(sighs)

Anything I want, huh?

(snorts)

Ooh...

Okay.

All right, for my first wish...

(stomach grumbling deeply)

For my f...

For my f...

(groaning in pain)

[Virginia] Hello?

[Grandma] Who is it?

It's only me, Grandma.

Hi.

(laughing)

For a moment there I thought it was your mother.

(laughs)

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Would you mind if I stayed the night tonight?

You know, she'll come back one day.

She'll just swan in without a word.

You don't think she could be in Aspen, do you?

She always loved the snow.

Well...

I think she would have come back by now.

I don't know, 14 years is a long time for apres-ski.

Don't be cheap, dear.

(barking)

(yipping)

God, what's that?

This is a stray I picked up today.

Well, just keep him away from Roland.

He's probably got fleas.

Aw, you don't have fleas.

Do you have fleas?

No, shh, shh.

(yipping)

Thanks.

You know, you could still be

something in society, Virginia.

I have connections, you know.

Your mother's debut at the Ritz Carlton was, ah.

A coronation.

At 19 she could have had any bachelor

in the whole of New York.

And what does she end up with?

Dad.

Dad.

Don't throw away your life the way she did, Virginia.

I can see the whole thing happening all over again.

You're a waitress, for god's sakes.

(thud)

Who are you going to meet?

Some eligible short-order cook?

(laughs)

No.

(knocking)

(knocking)

Oh, so, of course you never fixed

the pipes like you promised.

That I've come to expect.

But this!

I can, um, this...

I can explain all of this, and I'm going to.

I'll get on it right away, Mr. Murray.

No.

"I'm gonna get on it" is not good enough.

I want you and your daughter out of this apartment today.

You're fired!

Fire, fired?

No, please, Mr. Murray...

What, you big jerk?

I wish you and your entire family

would kiss my ass and be my slaves forever.

What did you just say?

(hiss)

Oh, Master.

(short laugh)

[Burly] How long do you think this spell will last?

It can't last long.

[Burly] 100 years?

At most.

Maybe only 50.

We'll just have to make the most of our imprisonment.

And agree not to eat each other.

Absolutely, absolutely.

We'll do the hundred years and maybe

if we're lucky we'll only have to do

two-thirds of the spell and get out early.

(doorbell buzzing)

(smooth orchestral music)

(gasps)

Oh.

I, there must be some mistake.

I do apologize.

I was looking for Virginia's grandmother.

I am she.

That cannot be.

Her young sister, perhaps.

Her mother perhaps.

But her grandmother?

Pah!

You are a dazzling beauty.

Oh.

Well, I, I don't have my makeup on or anything yet.

May I come in?

I have flowers.

Yeah, but who are you?

I am Virginia's suitor.

Her betrothed.

(kisses)

Betrothed?

She didn't say anything about a fiance.

How like her, how modest.

Most girls would brag and boast about dating the heir

to an enormous fortune, but not Virginia.

Oh, well, do come in.

I'll, I'll just go and get dressed.

Of course.

Get dressed.

(humming)

Okay, Wish Master.

Give me a never-ending supply of beer.

Two?

You call that a wild night where you come from?

Oh.

(adventurous instrumental music)

Hey, oh, Murray, Murray!

Murray, you got to see this.

The refrigerator, it just keeps go...

What are you doing?

I'm worried that they're not clean enough, Master.

Shall I lick your shoes again?

Let me see your tongue.

All right, five more minutes.

How is your mother coming with that door?

Oh, uh, almost done now, Master.

Just hurry...

No, stop, no, no.

Once was enough.

Here, open this.

What shall I wish for next?

I wish...

I wish I had something that would

clean this apartment all by itself,

and I would never have to lift a finger.

(whirring)

[Vacuum] Oh, here we go.

(gasps)

(laughing)

Here we go, clean, clean, clean clean, clean...

Clean.

[Vacuum] Oh, gotta get this cleaned up.

Oh, oh, look here.

Oh, there's dust all over the floor.

Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

Oh, here's some over here.

Here's some more, oh!

(muffled shrieking)

I am so bad.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Oh, still...

I suppose you would look better surrounded by potatoes.

(giggles)

Where's the garlic?

The rosemary?

Oh, what do I have to work with here?

Three-year-old dried herbs?

(grows)

Oh huff, you're not gonna fit in the oven, are ya?

Not in one piece, anyway.

(upbeat orchestral music)

♪ Shepherdess ♪

♪ Makes greatness ♪

♪ The little lambs are lonely ♪

♪ Shepherdess ♪

(gasps)

Oh, what am I doing?

I should untie you.

Oh, a poor old lady frightened out of her wits.

I should untie you...

But first I'll put a dollop of fat in the oven tray.

[Virginia] Grandmother?

Oh, oh, guests are up.

Breakfast isn't ready.

Grandmother?

[Wolf] In here, darling.

(knocking)

Grandmother?

[Wolf] In here, darling.

Good morning.

Do you want some coffee or toast or something?

(whimpering)

What's wrong?

You got a cold?

(whimpers)

Grandma?

Surprise!

Oh, boy.

You're fantastic.

Your picture doesn't do you justice.

Wow!

Oh, no.

How did this get here?

No, no, oh no.

Oh, no.

By the way, where is the dog?

Sleeping in if I know royalty.

Oh, you smell great.

I've had little teasers of your scent before,

Virginia, but in the flesh, ah!

Perfumes are not for me, no.

I respond favorably to the audacity of a woman

who flaunts her own aroma, and you,

Virginia, you smell like Sunday lunch.

(snarls)

You keep away from me.

Oh, beautiful eyes, beautiful teeth.

All the right stuff in all the right places.

No doubt about it, I am in love.

Mmm...

(glass shatters)

Let me put your mind at rest.

Now that I've seen you eating you is out of the question.

Not even on the menu.

Oh, now, I know this is going to come out

of the blue but how about a date?

We've started badly but I take all the blame for that.

(snarls)

(thud)

Oh.

Come on, give us a chance, please.

Ooh!

Oh, you are one dynamic lady.

There's no question there.

(Slam)

(howling)

(thud)

(sighing)

(faint shrieking)

(shrieking)

Oh my god.

Grandmother!

[Vacuum] Out of my way, out of my way.

Work, work, work.

No, no, no, no.

Okay, okay, fine.

Thank you, that's enough, go.

Thank you, go do something else.

Mmm...

What, no, hey, hey, get up, get up, get up.

Listen, you've already kissed me three times today.

Let me kiss you again, Master.

No, go clean something.

You're ridiculous.

Master, oh, wonderful Master.

My wife has a surprise for you.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll take care of her.

You go get me a beer.

Yes, Master.

It's my husband's Rolex Oyster.

Solid gold.

Are you sure it's not one of those cheap imitations?

Oh, no, Master.

Whoa, oh!

(gasping)

I bought it for my husband's 40th

birthday but you must have it.

All our possessions are yours now.

Murray, I'm gonna take your wife

out and buy her some underwear.

Of course, Master.

Help yourself.

Uh, Master.

I, um, I think there might be someone

trapped in the elevator.

I can hear voices and banging.

Yes, well, I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm no longer Mr. Fix-It, so why don't you get

your rich behind out there and fix it yourself?

At once, Master.

(shattering)

I think we need some spending money.

Wish Master, how about a million dollars?

(doorbell rings)

(gasping excitedly)

(chuckles)

(laughing)

Oh, yes, I'm rich.

I'm rich, I'm rich!

Say hello to Benny.

(Sputters)

Can I help you?

Oh, I hope so.

I'm very confused.

You must be Paul's referral.

He said you'd drop by to make an appointment.

Can you tell me what I'm doing here?

Let's get to know each other a bit

before we tackle the big questions, okay?

Yeah, big questions.

Now, I'm going to give you a word

and I want you to say the first word

that comes into your mind, okay?

Game, yeah.

Here we go, "home."

Cooking.

"Coward."

Chicken.

"Wedding."

Cake.

"Dead."

Meat.

"Sexual."

Appetite.

"Love."

(gasps)

To eat anything fluffy!

(grunts)

Sorry, sorry.

More than one word.

Start again.

(frantic instrumental music)

You know, Murray, this is ridiculous.

No, stop.

Listen, I want everybody out of here except your wife.

I had no idea you had so many relatives.

Of course, Master.

[Vacuum] Clean, clean, clean, clean.

You can go.

Be with you in a moment, Murray.

Just got to pucker up to the Master.

Uh, uh, don't pucker.

Hey, hey, cut that out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Stop.

[Vacuum] Clean it up, clean it up, clean it up.

Clean it up, clean it up, clean it up.

Clean it up!

[Tony] Oh, jeez.

(shattering)

I said...

Stop!

Stop, stop!

(sirens wailing)

(shouting)

[Officer] Upstairs, move it, move it!

I can't stop it, Master!

Thank you, thank you, Master.

All right, just take it.

I'm trying!

It's not gonna stop, Master.

Master, wait!

Come on.

Please, just, let's go.

(yelling)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Officer] Move, move!

Wait a minute, whoa!

What's the matter?

Spread 'em!

All right, what have I done?

Bingo, lookit here.

The money from the robbery.

No, hold on a second, no, no, no.

That just appeared in front of my door.

I've been in my apartment all day.

All these people can vouch for me, right?

Yes, oh Master.

I've been here all day just having a beer with friends.

(explosion)

You know, I think you're still holding back.

(snorts)

What is really troubling you?

Okay, all right, all right.

Doc, I met this terrific girl and I really,

really, really like her but the thing is that...

Go on, say it.

Say it!

I'm not sure whether I, I want to love her,

or eat her.

(grows)

Oh, oh.

Of course, I blame my parents.

They were both enormous.

They couldn't stop eating.

Every day I came home from school

it was, "eat this, eat that, eat her!"

You shouldn't punish yourself.

Oh, I should, I should.

I'm bad, I'm so bad.

I've done so many bad things!

But that wasn't me, you see?

That was when I was a wolf.

Doc, I wanna change.

I want to be a good person.

Oh, can't the lion cuddle up with the lamb?

Can't the leopard rub out all its spots?

This is the exact spot where I found you

so this is really where we have

to go our separate ways, okay?

(barks)

(sighs)

(barks)

Look, I'm not the adventure type, you know?

I mean, I'm a waitress.

This just really...

This isn't my thing.

Whoever these people are who want you,

they can have you.

(barking)

No, I got to go.

Goodbye, I gotta go.

(whines)

Here is the reading list I strongly recommend now.

Okay.

Why don't you come back and see me next week?

Oh, but you don't understand.

I won't be here next week.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

You're not going to intimidate me with suicide.

That's better.

Okay.

If you cooperate and give us

the dealer's name, maybe I'll put in a good word for you.

Dealer, what dealer?

I'm not taking drugs.

Yeah, right.

You don't remember stealing the money

because you were under the influence

of these magic mushrooms, right?

Magic mushrooms?

No, I didn't take...

Well, I swallowed the bean, but...

I almost fixed the elevator now, Master.

We will break the spell, trust me.

I trust you.

I trust you more.

No, I trust you more.

Yeah.

I trust her more.

I trust her!

I always trusted her!

Suck an elf!

(yelling)

(slamming)

[Burly] We're moving.

We're going down.

Is that good or bad?

We are about to enter the underworld.

Prepare yourselves.

(ding)

(yelling)

This isn't the underworld, you idiot.

This is where we came in.

Magic, indeed.

How did she do that?

Ah, suck an elf.

(gasps)

Sheep, sometimes I like sheep.

Ooh!

Excuse me, I need everything on this list

and anything else you might think is useful, please, Miss?

(gasps)

Thank you very much.

And if my plan is successful I will

certainly invite you to the wedding.

That's mine, that's mine, too.

[Tony] Hey, hey, couldn't we come to some kind of deal?

You know what?

I can give you anything you wanted.

Anything whatever, I'm serious.

A house in the Hamptons, boats, cars, women.

Whatever you want.

It won't make it any better trying to bribe us.

(suspenseful instrumental music)

Well, what have I got to lose?

I wish I could escape from this police car right now.

(chuckling)

Wes, the brakes are failing.

(honking)

" No!"

"How to Marry the Girl of Your Dreams."

That's exactly what I'm looking for.

Oh, my god.

(crashing)

(Slam)

Stupid idiot.

Stop that man right now!

He's getting away.

Hey, pal.

Thank you, thank you.

No, wait, you haven't paid for those!

(barking)

Look, I cannot take you back to where you came from

because I don't know where you came from.

No, look, this really is it, okay?

Good luck.

[Tony] I didn't do it!

Dad?

[Tony] Ah, Virginia.

Dad!

You won't believe what's happened to me.

Don't bet on it.

Come on.

Fan out, you guys, fan out!

Is that the dog that guy wants?

Why don't you just give it to him?

Dad, I don't think he is a dog.

He's trying to say something, talk to me or something,

but I can't understand what he's saying.

Trying to talk?

Yeah, I don't know.

All right, you watch this.

I wish that I could understand

everything this dog is saying.

What?

[Wendell] You're in terrible danger.

Both of you.

It worked, it worked.

[Wendell] If you value your life,

you have to do exactly as I say.

Listen, shh, what?

[Wendell] We have to find the way back.

He's talking, he's talking, can't you hear him?

No.

[Voiceover] Keep alert.

Come here.

What?

(yelling)

Why are all these cops after you?

And why are you wearing handcuffs?

They think I did a bank job.

What?

I'll explain later.

[Wendell] Would you two stop rabbiting

and help me find the mirror?

Now, it's a mirror but it may not look

like a mirror from the other side.

You have to look very, very carefully.

We're looking for a magic mirror.

Yeah, of course we are.

(barking)

[Wendell] Just look for a piece

of forest that doesn't fit.

I'm sure this is where...

Look.

There it is.

That's weird.

There they are!

If you value your lives, follow me.

Uh, uh, come on.

(gasping)

Where the hell are we?

I don't know but I'm pretty sure it's not Central Park.

[Wendell] Follow me.

The dog said follow him.

[Wendell] Hurry up.

(whimsical orchestral music)

What happened to everybody?

[Wendell] Well, the same thing

that happened to you, old chap.

Troll dust.

It looks like it's starting to wear off.

Is that dog talking again?

Come on, come on.

So, what shall we do when we have our own kingdom?

Ah, I know, I know.

We'll have servants, thousands and thousands

of servants to polish our shoes.

Dad, let's go home.

No, I can't go back yet.

Police are all over Central Park looking for me.

Well, we can't stay here.

[Wendell] Shh, I can smell the trolls.

He says he can smell trolls.

We'll have footwear parties where you

have to change shoes six times an hour.

And anyone found having dirty shoes

will have their face sewn up.

(laughing)

[Wendell] Come along, then, follow me.

Whoa, no, hold on a second.

I'm not going to follow you.

Where are we?

[Wendell] Ugh.

We're in the southernmost part of my kingdom,

where I was attacked by my stepmother and turned into a dog.

This is the Snow White Memorial

Prison, housing the most dangerous

criminals in all the nine kingdoms.

All right, back up, the nine what?

[Wendell] Kingdoms.

I am Prince Wendell, grandson of the late Snow White

and soon-to-be-crowned king of the fourth kingdom.

And who might you be?

I'm Tony Lewis, janitor.

I think you already know my daughter Virginia.

The "Troll Kingdom."

"Red Riding Hood Forest," wow.

Wait, hold on a second.

So what is this?

It's Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty fairy tale stuff?

(sighs)

[Wendell] Well, the golden age was almost

200 years ago when the ladies you refer to

had their great moments in history.

Things have gone downhill a bit since then.

"Happy ever after" didn't last as long as we'd hoped.

All the rulers of the other kingdoms

are due to attend my coronation.

Some will have to travel great distances.

The kingdoms are vast.

No one crosses the borders except on special occasions.

Who was the stepmother who turned you into a dog?

[Wendell] She is the most dangerous and evil woman alive.

Sounds like my mother-in-law.

[Wendell] Look, we can't sit around talking all day.

We must find my stepmother's cell.

This way.

Virginia, he said follow him.

Come on, come on.

(powers down)

[Wendell] Look.

There's a dog bowl down here.

That's the dog that's got my body.

Oh, it's outrageous.

What did she do, this woman?

She poisoned my mother and father.

Tried to kill me, as well.

Basically, poisoned his morn and dad

and tried to kill him, too.

Virginia, are you all right?

I, I feel weird being in here.

You Okay?

Yeah, I'm just going to wait outside for a minute.

[Wendell] Trolls have been here.

Okay, just don't go too far, okay?

Stay outside the door.

(laughs)

Virginia!

Prince, Prince, Prince.

[Wendell] I wasn't scared.

It's just that people mustn't see me as a dog, Antony.

It's deeply, deeply embarrassing.

I could care less about you being a dog.

Virginia, Virginia!

Where are they?

I never should have trusted trolls to do anything.

Be careful what you say.

I'm the only reason you got out

of prison in the first place.

Of course, Your Majesty, and for that

I'm eternally grateful but I can't stay here any longer.

No one must see the Prince like this.

(barking)

Have your children bring the dog to me when they return.

I am not your lackey.

I am Relish, the Troll King.

You will do well to remember it.

Of course, Your Majesty.

And I will reward you handsomely with half

of Wendell's kingdom as I promised.

Just exactly when do I get it?

Soon.

But now I must go.

I have stayed too long already.

(panting)

Oh, get in the carriage.

Where are you going?

There's nowhere you can hide.

When they find out you've escaped

there will be roadblocks everywhere.

They'll search every house and carriage in the kingdom.

Not every carriage.

(sweeping orchestral music)

Shouldn't we go back for the dog?

No, we can't.

The troll dust will be wearing off.

(ringing)

Wait a minute, do you hear that?

They're all waking up.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, the Queen will be very angry.

Aw, the Queen can suck an elf for all I care.

We've captured the witch from the 10th kingdom.

Let's go tell Dad.

But what about the witch's father?

Perhaps he's a great warlock.

Oh, he's handcuffed.

A great idiot, more likely.

(laughs)

I wish I could be there when the governor

finds him in the Queen's cell.

(laughs)

What are you doing?

I can't fight.

It was some kind of spell.

Me and the lads been laid up for over a day.

I've searched every inch of the prison

but the Queen's gone, sir.

I have been the governor of this prison for 12 years.

No prisoner has ever escaped before.

That's a very impressive record.

[Wendell] Whatever you do, Antony,

don't tell him I'm a dog.

Why not?

Speak when you're spoken to.

[Wendell] Because the Queen has got some terrible plan.

My whole kingdom may be in jeopardy.

No one must know I'm helpless.

All right.

Where is the Queen?

I wish I was home.

I wish Virginia and I were back

in our apartment in New York now.

Well, it seems you're not.

(coughing)

(gagging)

(gagging)

(Spits)

(soft boinging)

[Wendell] Oh, no, Antony.

You didn't swallow a dragon dung bean, you moron.

I guess that means I've had all my wishes, huh?

How did the Queen escape?

I'm telling you, I have no idea.

Then why were you found locked in her empty cell?

I am an innocent victim.

I have never been in trouble with the police my entire life.

Then why are you wearing handcuffs?

Well, because I'm wanted for armed robbery

which I didn't have anything to do with either.

[Wendell] Oh, carry on, Antony.

You're doing spectacularly well so far.

Look, look, I'm from a different dimension.

I came here from a different dimension

led by that dog, who is actually Prince Wendell.

[Wendell] Oh, I told you not to say that.

Prince Wendell?

Look, I can make you break rocks

with your teeth for 100 years.

(clinking)

I'm telling you, it's the truth.

That is the Queen's dog.

She has been permitted to keep him

in her cell for three years.

Don't insult my intelligence.

I'm not, I'm telling you, it's the tru...

All right, fine, I'll prove it.

Bark once if I'm telling the truth.

[Wendell] I have no intention of barking, Antony.

He is being just stubborn.

Listen, you have to let me go immediately.

I think my daughter was abducted by trolls.

(slap)

That's enough.

I'll get the truth out of you soon enough.

Warder, remove his handcuffs.

Issue him with prison uniform and put him in,

uh, yes, put him in 103 with Acorn

the dwarf and Clay Face the goblin.

Clay Face the goblin?

I don't want to be put in any room with Clay Face...

No!

Where's my daughter?

What about the Queen's dog, sir?

Get the furnace going.

I'll slip some rat poison in his dinner tonight,

and we'll chuck him in the incinerator tomorrow.

[Wendell] Did you hear that?

Antony, did you hear that?

You have to get me out.

It's your duty.

(discordant tribal music)

Get her in the boat.

Get her in there.

Hey, that's my boat.

It's ours now.

(Punch)

Now, let's get out of here.

(yelling)

Sit down and steer.

(yelling)

[Jailor] Middle bunk.

(soft snoring)

[Acorn] So, what are you in for?

Um, actually, a pretty serious bank robbery.

Couple of people got hurt but that's the way it goes.

And you?

Aggravated assault.

I'm very easily aggravated.

I'm Acorn.

Got any metal on ya?

Knives, forks?

Coat hangers?

Sorry.

If you get stabbed...

Save the knife for me, won't you?

Of course.

[Clay Face] Do you like carving?

Well, not flesh or anything.

[Clay Face] Look what I'm doing.

Ah.

You've got real talent.

My name's Clay Face, the goblin.

Tony.

What are you in for?

Carving.

Will you be my friend?

What exactly does that entail?

[Bluebell] Row!

[Blabberwort] When we're home,

I'm going to let you have it.

Keep rowing.

I'm rowing.

(fastpaced tribal music)

(light cheerful music)

Any minute now.

I'm sure Prince Wendell will arrive

to receive the coronation throne

which our craftsmen have tirelessly

spent the last two years making.

He's not coming, is he?

Of course he is.

Have no worry.

I'm sure he's been delayed for a very good reason.

Horrible news.

There's been a breakout from the prison.

The Queen has escaped.

The Queen?

The Queen.

Put up the roadblocks.

She must be caught or we're doomed.

Oh, hey, wonderful news!

Wonderful news.

Prince Wendell is coming.

Thank goodness.

He'll know what to do.

(epic orchestral music)

(cheering)

Welcome to Beantown, Your Majesty.

[Wendell] Psst, Antony.

Over here.

Behind the governor's door.

[Tony] How did you know it was me?

[Wendell] You have a distinctive unwashed smell.

What are you doing?

I'm scrubbing the floor.

What do you think I'm doing?

[Wendell] Have you got a soap bar?

Well, yes.

What, do you want me to wash you?

[Wendell] No, just stay there.

Don't go away.

Prince...

[Wendell] This is the governor's master key.

Make an impression in the soap.

He'll be back any moment.

Here.

Very stubborn stain, sir.

(ominous instrumental music)

(Caws)

(howling roar)

[Bluebell] I think she's waking up.

Good morning.

(laughing)

[Burly] Get someone over here.

[Prisoners] We promise to serve Prince Wendell,

kind and brave monarch of The Fourth Kingdom,

and pledge to mend our naughty ways

so that we may all live happily ever after.

(grumbling)

What is this stuff?

Baked beanstalk.

Baked beans?

Beanstalk.

(gags)

My god!

I can't eat that.

It tastes like an old mattress.

No, it doesn't.

Old mattress has a sweaty, meaty taste.

And how often is this on the menu?

Three times a day.

That's beanstalk juice.

Takes a bit of gettin' used to.

(gags)

Listen, um...

Let's say I wanted to talk to somebody

and I wanted to get something, made.

For instance, for the sake of argument,

a small piece of metal.

Who would I have to talk to?

I mean, who's Mr. Big around here?

If you want anything bought, sold, borrowed,

or made in here, you have to see the Tooth Fairy.

Uh, the who?

The prison dentist.

Ah.

Uh, and how would I get to see him?

Oh, um, that's easy.

Oh, yeah?

(Punch) (yells)

(knocking)

Oh, oh, that's no good.

They'll all have to come out.

What do you mean, "come out?"

You haven't even looked in my mouth yet.

Sit down.

I, I...

Come on.

There, that's it.

(chuckles)

There.

Would you like some candy?

What?

You're a dentist.

You shouldn't be giving people candy.

Why not?

Well, because it rots teeth.

Ah, rubbish.

Well, of course it does.

Well, excuse me.

Who is the tooth extractor here, eh?

You or me?

Well, I'm just gonna...

What are you doing?

I'm just putting the straps on.

Straps, what do we need straps for?

Yeah, the straps of comfort.

Tooth decay is caused by three things.

Number one, poor diet.

Number two, not brushing properly.

And number three...

Bad fairies.

(groans softly)

(chuckles dementedly)

You know, I, I think I could, um...

Ah, just let...

Ah!

Does that, does that hurt?

Ow, ah!

Uh huh.

Good.

How about this?

Whoa, no.

Wait a minute...

(groans sharply)

No, no!

Ah, loose teeth.

I thought so.

Oh...

Don't you worry.

We have a bag of magic teeth here.

You can't...

I came to you for help.

Help?

Yeah, I...

I've got to get a, a key made out of this.

What's it worth?

Uh...

Oh, oh, look, look.

See that?

Oh...

Ow!

This...

ls a hand-worn clock.

The little hands go around, and it

tells the time very intricately.

I...

(loud ticking)

We call them watches.

Ah, but this is a Rolex.

Solid gold.

Ah.

Yeah, well, as long as it's not

one of those cheap imitations.

Ch, aw, hey!

(chatting)

Hey, What?

Hey, look.

Prince Wendell's carriage.

Raise the barrier.

Your Majesty.

(barking)

Do you mean to say he just drove

right through Beantown without stopping?

That was on Wednesday, Lord Chancellor,

and he hasn't been seen since.

The throne makers are furious.

They're threatening to boycott the coronation.

It's so unlike the Prince not to send word of where he is.

Perhaps it's just, uh...

Coronation nerves.

I'm sure he'll turn up soon.

Let us not forget that the Evil Queen is now at large.

Where is Wendell?

Where is he in his kingdom's greatest hour of need?

Things look very bad indeed.

Terrible.

Quite awful!

Still...

I expect it'll all turn out happy ever after.

Oh, yes.

Now, to the real crisis.

There is a shortage of bluebells throughout the kingdom.

My color scheme for the coronation banquet

will have to be completely rethought.

[Burly] She's awake.

Strip her.

(moans softly)

(yells)

Oh my god.

You're a captive of the merciless trolls now.

The merciless!

Without mercy.

Ah!

Pretty little feet.

Nicey nice.

Who runs your kingdom?

My kingdom?

Who's in charge?

Ah, the president!

Wendell was trying to rally an army

from your kingdom to attack us.

Wasn't he?

No.

(yells)

This could be a long torture session.

I'll tell you anything you want to know.

Torture first, then you talk.

It's better that way.

Rush a torture, ruin a torture.

(chuckling)

(creaking)

Dad's here.

Dad?

Why don't you take off the shoes?

[Relish] In these shoes I am all-powerful.

I can rule the world.

[Burly] Come on, Dad.

Just slip 'em off.

Dad!

Where have you been?

You're a day late.

Uh, well...

He, he...

Who's this?

Supposed to bring back the dog.

Oh, forget the dog, Dad.

We've discovered another kingdom.

The mythical 10th kingdom.

Talked of only in myth.

Don't talk rubbish.

There is no 10th kingdom.

Oh, but there is, and this witch

put us in a box of matches.

You were captured?

By this, girl?

She's a witch.

How many of their soldiers did you

kill before you were captured?

None.

None survived.

Who wants to be whipped first?

It's true.

Look at this.

♪ Gimme that night fever ♪

♪ We know how to show it ♪

They are called the Brothers Gibb.

And the song, it concerns a deadly fever

that only strikes on Saturdays.

There's more to all this

than the Queen is telling me.

(adventurous instrumental music)

Prince, I've got the key.

[Wendell] Oh, brilliant.

The governor's in the kitchen

making me another poison dinner.

Quick, use it now.

Open the door.

There are spare uniforms in here.

You can put one on and,

and just march me out of the prison.

Oh, come on, hurry up.

Shh, somethings wrong with the key.

It's not turning.

Must be a...

You must really love pain.

What?

Oh, no, no, no, no, you don't understand.

I, I was just coming down the hall and I tripped

on the loose brick, and I fell and I found

myself right here in front of your door and I found this.

Did you lose one?

Take him downstairs and give him 50 beanstalk lashes.

Right now.

No, no, you know, that's not necessary.

I was coming by to ask you, do you have a laundry here?

[Wendell] Oh, dear.

Sorry about that, Antony.

[Tony] No, listen, I don't...

Here boy.

Here, boy.

[Tony] You're hurting me.

Here you are, doggy.

There.

That should give you a nice, long sleep.

(Whip Cracks) (yells)

(Whip Cracks) (yells)

(Whip Cracks) (yells)

(Whip Cracks) (yells)

(Whip Cracks) (yells)

(whip cracks)

[Tony] Ouch!

You will dance for me and when you've finished

dancing you'll tell me how to invade your kingdom.

Uh, you know, I'm not,

I'm not much of a dancer, really.

Actually.

You'll dance when you wear these.

(sizzling)

Wake me when they turn red.

(creaking)

(sniffs)

Conceal the coach then prepare a room for the Prince.

Welcome home.

We have missed you, Your Majesty.

(soft ominous music)

(door closes)

[Dog] Who's that?

She was the stepmother who poisoned Snow White

with the apple all those years ago.

She was once the most powerful woman

in all the nine kingdoms and this

was but one of her five castles.

What happened to her?

When she was finally caught, they heated

a pair of iron slippers over red-hot coals

and made her dance at Snow White's wedding.

She crawled out into the snow, dragging her raw,

blistered, useless feet into a swamp nearby.

This broken woman was once the fairest

of them all, but she kept her magic

mirrors and searched for a successor

and that, of course, was me.

I will finish her work and destroy

the House of White forever, and pity

the fool who tries to stand up to me!

(epic orchestral music)

("Wishing on a Star" by Anne Dudley)

♪ I'm wishing on a star ♪

♪ To follow where you are ♪

♪ I'm wishing on a dream ♪

♪ To follow what it means ♪

♪ And I wish on all the rainbows ♪

♪ That I've seen ♪

♪ I wish on all the people ♪

♪ Who really dream ♪

♪ I'm wishing on a star ♪