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1
00:00:01,067 --> 00:00:03,336
[indistinct chatter]
2
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:04,767
- Attention.
3
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:06,206
Attention!
4
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:08,467
Okay, everybody look
over at me now.
5
00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:10,236
[indistinct chatter]
6
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,746
Okay, that's as loud
as my voice goes, so I'm...
7
00:00:12,747 --> 00:00:15,277
I'm not sure what to do here.
8
00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:16,282
[banging]
9
00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:18,383
- I would definitely
kill a wolf.
10
00:00:19,285 --> 00:00:20,615
- Oh, oh, oh.
Okay. Okay.
11
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,789
Today is a, uh,
very exciting day,
12
00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:26,326
because "Stratus"
is doing a profile on our store.
13
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,557
Yeah, ooh!
14
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:31,197
Oh, yeah!
15
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,428
- What's "Stratus"?
16
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:35,668
- Um, only our internal
corporate magazine!
17
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:38,099
- "Magazine" isn't
exactly accurate.
18
00:00:38,105 --> 00:00:40,735
It's more like
misleading propaganda.
19
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:42,241
- No, it's not!
20
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:44,543
- "Minimum wage
is maximum fun!"
21
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:48,745
- "Work it Off:
A Guide to Injuries on the Job."
22
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:51,649
- Oh, that is a super fun read.
23
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,720
- Ooh, there's
a jingle-writing contest.
24
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:58,191
If he won, he could stop dancing
for his mom's friends.
25
00:00:58,192 --> 00:01:02,228
- It's my responsibility
to show the reporter around,
26
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:05,759
so, please, let's put
our best foot forward, okay?
27
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,596
Cheyenne, that means
no falling asleep
28
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:08,831
in the bedding department.
29
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:11,366
- I get tired, Glenn.
I'm pregnant.
30
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:12,739
- Not today, you're not!
31
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,170
- Okay.
32
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,505
- Uh, oh, and Sal,
I'm gonna need you
33
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:20,647
to take the creepiness down
to about a two, okay?
34
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:23,216
Garrett, um,
I love those nicknames
35
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:27,087
but, uh, some people might
see them as insulting,
36
00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:30,518
so why don't you just get 'em
out of your system now?
37
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,492
- Glennda, G-Nothing,
38
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:33,660
Glenngarry Glenn Loss,
39
00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:34,861
Glennema,
40
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,196
Glenntil Soup,
41
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:37,197
TransGlennder.
42
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,458
- Oh, that's a new one.
43
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:40,096
- You got to keep
this reporter away from me.
44
00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:41,331
I hate reporters.
45
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,365
My school paper
once misidentified me
46
00:01:43,370 --> 00:01:45,270
as a scoliosis victim.
47
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:48,672
I mean, the joke is,
my spine is perfect, okay?
48
00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:51,336
I can bench 160.
49
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,345
165 in the right situation.
50
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:57,117
Let's get out there
and have a newsworthy day.
51
00:01:57,118 --> 00:02:00,448
Do it for the old, uh...
52
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,588
G-Spot!
53
00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:05,419
You're not the only one
who's good at nicknames.
54
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:08,426
[upbeat music]
55
00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:10,329
♪
56
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,461
- If you see the reporter
show up today,
57
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,896
please let me know
so I can hide.
58
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,631
I do not want them
to put me on the cover.
59
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,136
- [laughs]
60
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:18,538
That's pretty cocky.
61
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:19,606
- Oh, it's not ego.
62
00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:21,507
These corporate magazines love
63
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:23,709
putting employees with
disabilities on the cover.
64
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,278
Look.
65
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,746
- Wow.
66
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,407
- And they really gonna
come after me,
67
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,476
especially with Face Birthmark
Tony on vacation.
68
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,615
- Yeah, I'll bet, and getting
a black guy in a wheelchair
69
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,889
on the cover would be like
their Holy Grail or something.
70
00:02:35,890 --> 00:02:37,720
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
71
00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:39,885
You trying to say
being black's a disability?
72
00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:41,227
- Oh, no. No, no, no.
- Huh?
73
00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:42,588
- Now, that's... no.
No, of course, no.
74
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,256
I... I have lots of...
- What?
75
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,895
- I listen to Drake. I...
- Drake?
76
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:49,800
- No, no, no.
I watch BET... sometimes.
77
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,603
- I'm messing with you, dude.
- Okay.
78
00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,305
Good. Thank God.
79
00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:54,467
I've never watched BET.
80
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,705
- Yeah, me either, man.
81
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:01,913
- 'Sup, fool?
82
00:03:01,916 --> 00:03:03,346
- Nice.
83
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,580
Why are you dressed like
84
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:07,385
you're going undercover
at a high school?
85
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:08,888
- Oh.
86
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:11,758
Well, it looked cool on him.
87
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:14,327
With the reporter coming...
88
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,896
I know I'm not the most
exciting person in the world,
89
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:19,697
so I thought I'd
jazz myself up a bit.
90
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,230
- Come on, Glenn.
91
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,335
You're an exciting guy.
92
00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:26,637
You remember that time when, um,
93
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:30,777
you know, uh...
94
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,508
you know.
95
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,983
- Thanks for trying.
96
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:39,949
- Glenn, "Stratus" is just
a stupid corporate rag.
97
00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,621
Nobody reads that.
98
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,822
I mean, maybe if
the break room TV is broken
99
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,458
and I'm locked out
of Candy Crush.
100
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:46,926
- I know that,
101
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:50,496
but for once,
it'd be nice to be the star.
102
00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:53,427
I mean, I... I know
I'm never gonna be Madonna,
103
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:57,470
but, for one day,
it'd be nice not to be Glenn,
104
00:03:57,471 --> 00:04:00,471
but to be... Glenn.
105
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,777
- Hey, I need you to help me
give Glenn a makeover.
106
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,508
- Which one of us
was she talking to?
107
00:04:06,513 --> 00:04:08,383
- Whichever one of you
uses moisturizer.
108
00:04:12,385 --> 00:04:15,485
[shots pinging]
109
00:04:17,624 --> 00:04:19,792
- You know, I have to say,
almost everything works on him.
110
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:20,927
I guess that's the one benefit
111
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,858
of having a face
with zero character.
112
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:24,463
- Thank you, Mateo.
113
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:25,925
- You look good, Glenn.
114
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,468
Just remember
to maintain eye contact,
115
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,369
give a good, firm handshake...
116
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,401
- Give compliments,
and try to make some jokes.
117
00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:33,566
- And smile a lot.
118
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:35,041
You'll be fine.
119
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,909
- Umm... hmm.
120
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,910
- Do you have something
you'd like to say, Jonah?
121
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:41,512
- A reporter doesn't care
about how you look.
122
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:44,745
They want to hear
your big ideas.
123
00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:45,752
- Ideas?
124
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:46,986
- Okay. You know what?
125
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,647
It's not "The New Yorker."
126
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:49,686
It's "Stratus."
127
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:52,390
They just want some nice photos
128
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:55,728
and a quote saying
how great it is to work here.
129
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,359
- Jonah, I think Amy's right.
130
00:04:57,364 --> 00:04:58,931
I'm just gonna stick
with a firm handshake
131
00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:01,332
and an enthusiastic
"Howdy-do!"
132
00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:02,425
- Exactly.
133
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:03,866
But don't say "howdy-do."
134
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:05,338
- Rodger dodger.
135
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,639
- ♪ Cloud 9, Cloud 9
136
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,008
♪ You better come inside
137
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,509
♪ Because it's hell outside
138
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:11,678
♪ I don't play by the rules
139
00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:12,879
♪ Sending tanks to our schools
140
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,610
♪ Immigration, deportation
141
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:16,616
♪ Kneel, dog
142
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:17,617
♪ Rock the vote
143
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:18,718
♪ Fracking
144
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,919
♪ Campaign finance reform,
bitches! ♪
145
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:21,921
[mimics explosion]
146
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,356
♪ Pew-pew-pew
147
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:24,357
What's up?
148
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:25,488
That felt pretty good, right?
149
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,726
- That was great.
150
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,357
A lot of fun stuff in there...
151
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:32,498
- And I really love
the world of this rap.
152
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,599
I just had, like, one thought.
153
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:35,601
- Okay.
154
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:36,869
- Not that I know anything,
155
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:40,039
but it's a little bit,
maybe, too... political.
156
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,740
I just can't think of any other
corporate jingles
157
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,643
that say,
"God is a black woman."
158
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:45,635
- Well, yeah.
159
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:46,946
That's what makes it
original, yo.
160
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:51,377
I just think toning it down
might give us a better shot.
161
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,785
We need money for the baby.
162
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:55,987
Now, don't think of it
as "selling out."
163
00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:58,919
Think of it
as "cashing in."
164
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:02,793
- That's why you're my manager.
165
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:05,397
- Glenn.
- Mm?
166
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:06,599
- Don't slump.
- Yeah.
167
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:07,930
Accentuate your silhouette.
168
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:11,795
Hand on hip, shoulders back,
look down on the world.
169
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,465
- Oh, she's here.
170
00:06:14,907 --> 00:06:15,907
- Hey.
171
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:17,809
Here's the deal, reporter.
172
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,541
You're in my house now.
173
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:20,976
You see those security cameras?
174
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:23,716
I will have eyes on you...
175
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:24,817
at all times.
176
00:06:27,086 --> 00:06:28,086
You understand what that means?
177
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:29,388
- Yeah, no. I got it.
178
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:32,924
Oh.
179
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,526
Hi. I'm from "Stratus."
180
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:35,928
- Yeah, I'm... I...
181
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,059
- I'm sorry.
I didn't catch your name.
182
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,666
- How about you just...
- I'm sorry. You...
183
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,427
- Okay, you talk.
- Okay, you talk. You talk.
184
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:43,736
You talk. You talk.
- Mm.
185
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,071
- Hi.
186
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,673
I'm Amy.
- Hi.
187
00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:48,841
- Welcome to the store.
188
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,910
We're so glad
to have you here, Cynthia.
189
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:55,548
This is our store manager,
um, Glenn Sturgis.
190
00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,116
- Hello.
Welcome to meeting me.
191
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,647
- Oh.
192
00:07:02,021 --> 00:07:03,421
- Oh.
193
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,057
You're a pretty little
kitty, aren't you?
194
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:06,826
- What?
195
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,657
- [purrs]
196
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:10,730
- Um, how about we start
the tour?
197
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,061
- Yeah.
- Yes.
198
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,825
- If you'll follow me, please.
Right this way.
199
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:14,934
- Smile.
- What was that?
200
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:15,995
- Oh, smile!
201
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,943
Oh, I wondered why...
202
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:21,866
- Hey!
203
00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:26,746
- And, as I described to you
in the other three aisles,
204
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:31,217
these are standard
fluorescent lights powered by...
205
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:32,878
- Wowzers, Glenn.
That's a great quote.
206
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,946
Let's maybe move on
from the lights now, okay?
207
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,955
- How's he doing?
- Not so good.
208
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:40,726
- Between the fluorescent lights
is standard ceiling.
209
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:42,557
- Okay, so I know
what's in the store
210
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,230
'cause they're...
pretty much all identical,
211
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:47,131
so can you tell me just
something... interesting?
212
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,804
- Hmm?
213
00:07:50,703 --> 00:07:54,073
- Why don't you tell her
about one of your big ideas?
214
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,774
- Huh?
- Okay. What big ideas?
215
00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:57,136
- Yeah. What big ideas?
216
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,912
- Your idea to revamp the store.
217
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,747
Shake things up a little bit.
218
00:08:01,748 --> 00:08:03,148
This guy, he doesn't want
219
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,250
to just organize the store
by product type.
220
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:08,888
He wants to organize the store
by lifestyle.
221
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:12,219
There would be an aisle
for single moms,.
222
00:08:12,226 --> 00:08:13,956
There would be an aisle
for veterans.
223
00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:15,891
- That's actually...
224
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,226
pretty cool.
225
00:08:17,231 --> 00:08:19,831
- Oh, uh, yeah.
226
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,701
No, Glenn has...
227
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:24,637
all kinds of great ideas
just like that one.
228
00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:26,506
- You do?
229
00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:28,567
- Yes, I do.
230
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:30,005
Here's another one.
231
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:37,082
Framples!
232
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:40,052
Instead of saying,
"free samples,"
233
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,888
we should just say, "framples."
234
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:42,989
- That's a good idea.
235
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,620
- Yes.
- You should write that one down.
236
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:45,715
- No, I'm good.
237
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,856
- Well, I mean,
it's not a bad idea.
238
00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:50,761
- Wait, I have another one!
239
00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:51,831
"Shart."
240
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:53,232
For "shopping cart."
241
00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:54,233
- Eh?
- Mm.
242
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,304
- Yep.
243
00:08:57,703 --> 00:08:59,572
- I mean, you could also have
a green aisle:
244
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:01,307
put organic foods
next to environmentally friendly
245
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,768
home products...
246
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:03,976
- I love that.
247
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:04,977
Now, how do you spell your name?
248
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,908
- Oh, um, J-O-N...
249
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:09,581
Oh. Uh, yeah.
250
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,883
Honestly, I was just
piggybacking
251
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,118
off of Glenn's idea.
252
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,619
- Mm. Creative and humble.
253
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,650
You're like...
a regular Tom Hanks.
254
00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:18,086
- Hey, Cynthia.
- Yeah.
255
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:20,126
- Maybe you'd like
to come see my office.
256
00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:21,557
It's pretty wild.
257
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:24,562
I have a calendar in there
of normal dogs.
258
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:25,655
- Okay. That's great, Brian.
259
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,566
But I'm talking
to Jonah right now.
260
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,128
So where'd you go to school?
- Oh...
261
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:31,936
- She doesn't even
remember my name.
262
00:09:32,838 --> 00:09:35,838
[mysterious music]
263
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:41,212
♪
264
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:45,584
Would you like to take a picture
for "Stratus" magazine?
265
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:46,746
That sound fun?
266
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:47,753
Hey!
267
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:48,924
What are you, deaf?
268
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:51,990
Oh, my God. He's deaf!
269
00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:58,129
- Here you go.
270
00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:00,199
Have another "frample."
271
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,000
See how that just
rolled off the tongue?
272
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,003
- Thanks, Amy.
273
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,137
- Why are you here?
274
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:08,007
- Because this is where
the losers sit.
275
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,238
- Hey...
276
00:10:09,242 --> 00:10:10,842
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
277
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:14,981
Please, enjoy your individual
pepperoni pizza, okay?
278
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,916
- Glenn, I...
I'm just trying to help you.
279
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,377
If you come back over with me,
I'll hand her off to you.
280
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:20,786
- It's no use!
281
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,387
I don't have style or substance.
282
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,220
Hey, maybe that's why iPhones
283
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:27,725
never recognize my face
as a face.
284
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,328
- Glenn, you're being
hard on yourself.
285
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,197
- I've been here 20 years.
286
00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:32,398
You've been here two weeks,
287
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:34,767
and you already have
better ideas than me.
288
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,398
- Glenn, that is not it.
289
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:40,006
I think that lady
just has a crush on Jonah.
290
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,407
She's interested in him
because he's cute,
291
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,309
not because of his bad ideas.
292
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,111
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
293
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,713
You think I'm cute?
294
00:10:47,714 --> 00:10:48,714
- No!
295
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:51,645
I think you look like
a person who is cute.
296
00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,348
- Wait; do you really
think that's it?
297
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:56,088
That she's just
attracted to him?
298
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,189
- No!
- Yes!
299
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,290
Yes.
300
00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:00,691
- You know, that
kind of makes sense.
301
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:04,096
I mean, I can't compete
with these geisha features.
302
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:07,427
He looks like a panda and
a Disney princess had a baby.
303
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,402
- Thank you, Glenn, but I...
I do think it also might
304
00:11:09,403 --> 00:11:11,337
have something to do
with my ideas.
305
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,968
- Aww.
306
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:15,941
Da wittle panda
finks he fought of somefing.
307
00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:17,076
- [laughing]
308
00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:18,177
- Okay.
309
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,308
That's a little much.
310
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,812
- Look, now the panda's
feeling sad!
311
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:23,175
- Aw, sad wittle panda!
312
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,216
- Aw, that's adorable.
313
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,377
- Tried to help.
314
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,345
- Aw, panda!
- Sad panda...
315
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,156
- Aww, don't fwink
we don't fwike you.
316
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:33,117
- ♪ Cloud 9, come inside
317
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,886
♪ Society's a mirage
and sex is a prison ♪
318
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:37,056
Uhh!
319
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,734
Yeah, what do you think
about that?
320
00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:42,832
- I absolutely love
the first half.
321
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:45,296
I'm just not sure about
the second line.
322
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,735
- Are you serious?
323
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:47,907
We've cut so much out.
324
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,408
That's the only part left
I even like.
325
00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:51,209
- But the first line's
just a little bit more
326
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,378
like a jingle, you know?
327
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:53,709
It's catchy.
328
00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:54,714
- Catchy?
329
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:56,045
Nah, na-na-na-na-nah.
Okay?
330
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,049
That's not what
my music's about, yo.
331
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,751
It's been described
as a lot of things,
332
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:03,389
like edgy, dangerous, terrible,
but never catchy!
333
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,857
That's not how I am.
334
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:05,858
Forget this. I quit.
335
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:06,989
I'm out of here. Uhh.
336
00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:08,861
- Hey, look, okay?
337
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:10,229
I get it.
You don't want to sell out.
338
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:14,830
But a lot of this situation
we are in stinks.
339
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,735
You think I want to be
wearing maternity clothes
340
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,267
to high school,
even though I make it work,
341
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,501
and I still look really cute?
342
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:22,166
We have someone else
to think about now.
343
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,080
- Want to chug these cream sodas
like two really good bros?
344
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,219
- Ah, no thanks, Sal.
345
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:35,888
- Maybe I can get some
eggnog from up front.
346
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:39,359
When you chug that,
it feels like you're drowning.
347
00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,027
- Oh, there you are.
- Oh!
348
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:44,529
- You ran off
halfway through the tour.
349
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,966
- Yeah, I had to finish
some stuff back here.
350
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:48,397
Uh, hey, listen.
351
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,401
You should really talk to Glenn.
352
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,238
I know he's kind of awkward,
353
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:55,207
but he's, like, the heart
and soul of this place.
354
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,938
- Maybe you could
show me around back here.
355
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,143
- Oh, back here?
- Yeah.
356
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,905
- There's not really
much to see back here.
357
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:04,883
There's a water stain in the
shape of a crescent moon, so...
358
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,345
um, I Instagrammed it.
359
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,887
It's, uh, got seven likes.
360
00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:08,948
- You're cute.
361
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,015
- You're cute.
362
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:11,223
- You're like a Jewish Kennedy.
363
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,259
- That's so... specific.
364
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:15,027
Um, but...
365
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,996
I'm not just cute, right?
366
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:20,027
Like I... I'm not just
style over substance...
367
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,367
- Does it matter?
368
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,128
- It should.
369
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:26,066
But you're really pretty,
and you smell like a pear.
370
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:34,410
[thwacking]
371
00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:41,153
[relaxed music]
372
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,221
♪
373
00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:43,489
- Hey, uh, can I
ask you a question?
374
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,558
- Yeah, sure.
What's going on?
375
00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:47,589
- Uh, which of these headphones
would you recommend?
376
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,494
- Personally, I like those.
377
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,856
They got Bluetooth technology,
which is great.
378
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,225
- Hey.
What's up with that?
379
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,033
- Oh, I'm sorry.
380
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,165
This has nothing to do with you.
381
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,336
I'm just making this gesture
382
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,837
to make sure any photo of me
is unusable.
383
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:05,177
[rock music playing]
384
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:09,008
♪
385
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:10,105
[crunch]
386
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,152
- Hey.
- Hey!
387
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,988
Hey. Hey. Ha-hah!
388
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,919
- About before...
389
00:14:17,924 --> 00:14:19,892
I was just trying
to cheer Glenn up,
390
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:23,596
but I should not have said that
the reporter was only interested
391
00:14:23,597 --> 00:14:25,457
in your ideas because
she was attracted to you.
392
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:27,095
So...
393
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,270
I am sorry.
394
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:31,099
- Don't worry about it.
395
00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:33,239
But for the record,
396
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,540
if someone had said that
to you, as a woman,
397
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,509
you probably wouldn't have
been cool with it.
398
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:38,878
- Yeah, I know.
That's wh...
399
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,909
- Don't worry about it.
It's done!
400
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,454
Teachable moment.
401
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:49,088
Uh, you know, if the roles
were reversed...
402
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,956
Oh, okay. Nope, sure.
403
00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:53,057
- Attention, Cloud 9 employees:
404
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,659
emergency meeting
in the break room.
405
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,161
Now!
406
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:58,197
I'm sorry to interrupt
all of your days,
407
00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,928
but I think this
would be a good time
408
00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:01,933
for me to go over
Cloud 9's policy
409
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:04,465
on inappropriate sexual behavior
in the workplace.
410
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:07,206
- You said
this was an emergency!
411
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:08,207
- I know what I said.
412
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:09,408
- I was peeing!
413
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,039
I had to cut myself off.
414
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,644
It's very uncomfortable.
415
00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:15,406
- Now, before I start
this seminar,
416
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,375
does anyone have something
they'd like to say?
417
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:20,686
- Okay, fine.
418
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:23,917
Sal and I are having sex
in the dressing rooms.
419
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:26,992
[all groaning]
420
00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:28,193
Ugh.
421
00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:29,361
I don't even like him.
422
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:31,130
I have self-esteem issues,
423
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:34,466
and I think being with him
is a way of me punishing myself.
424
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,697
It's messed up.
425
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,169
- Shut up, Sandra.
426
00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:39,240
God, you are such a whiner.
Sit down.
427
00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,336
Anyone else?
428
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:46,946
Okay.
429
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:50,616
Well, then without further ado,
please watch this video
430
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:54,147
on inappropriate sexual behavior
in the workplace.
431
00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:57,487
- Oh, my.
432
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,258
- Okay!
433
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:00,326
- [scoffs]
434
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:01,727
- Jonah!
- Well, well, well.
435
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,188
- Oh, my goodness.
436
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:06,496
[all shouting]
437
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,999
- My boy! That is my boy!
438
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,436
- Ugh!
I just ate!
439
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,497
- Is that how people
really kiss now?
440
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,036
- I think we've seen enough.
441
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:17,141
- Why would anybody
be attracted to Jonah?
442
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:19,043
He looks like a villain
on the CW.
443
00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:20,375
- Uh, maybe it's
because she thought
444
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:23,349
all of his brilliant ideas
were inside his mouth,
445
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,417
so she had to, like,
get in there with her tongue
446
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:26,478
and suck 'em out.
447
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,286
- Mm-aww, aww!
- Oh, my God.
448
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:30,118
You will spread your legs
for anyone
449
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,690
who will write
a story about you, won't you?
450
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,158
- That has nothing to do...
- Jonah.
451
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:34,389
There's about 50 store rules
452
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:35,994
broken on that tape.
453
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:37,056
- I know.
- It is disgusting.
454
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,763
- And there's just one thing
left to say.
455
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:40,766
You're...
456
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:41,767
safe now.
457
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:43,068
Bring it in.
458
00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:47,506
[whispers]
Wow.
459
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,067
You fit right in there
perfectly, don't you?
460
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:51,136
[sighs]
461
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,378
You've been sexually assaulted.
462
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,779
I was hoping
you could start to heal
463
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,648
by admitting that here
in a safe place, but...
464
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,179
- No, no, that's not... no.
465
00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:01,086
- You are obviously
very ashamed.
466
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:02,487
- No. No, no.
467
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,089
- Hey.
468
00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:05,690
[whispers]
You didn't do anything wrong.
469
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:06,759
- I wasn't assaulted.
470
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,160
It wasn't an assault.
It was...
471
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:09,261
Both of us wanted...
- See?
472
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:10,596
That's what happens.
- No, it was...
473
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,057
- The person thinks
it's their fault.
474
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:13,055
[approving murmurs]
475
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,296
- It's called slut-shaming.
476
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:16,700
You're the only slut
in here, Sandra.
477
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,703
- Maybe we should all
just stop talking about this.
478
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:19,695
- No.
479
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,566
- Or we could play it again
480
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:23,474
and then do the voices
of what they're thinking.
481
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:24,736
- Mm-hmm.
- Great.
482
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:26,678
Sorry ev...
- Nope.
483
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:29,248
Let's all give Jonah
a round of applause, everybody.
484
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:30,749
He's had a hard day.
485
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:31,750
[applause]
486
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,051
- No. No, that's not...
487
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,053
- Bravo!
488
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,054
- Drink it in.
489
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,586
- Sorry about the rape, dude.
490
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:43,185
[upbeat music]
491
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:47,366
♪
492
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,397
- I guess my philosophy of life
is "dare to dream..."
493
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,402
- No...
494
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,171
- But also dream to dare.
495
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:54,206
But also daring to not...
496
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:55,667
- Okay, so the article
that I'm writing
497
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:58,605
is about the store in general
and not any one individual.
498
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:01,180
- Oh. Okay.
499
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:04,650
Well, if you do decide
to write an article about me,
500
00:18:04,651 --> 00:18:07,686
I'll be in the stockroom,
waiting.
501
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:11,457
I'm willing to do
whatever it takes.
502
00:18:15,527 --> 00:18:16,857
Ugh, God.
503
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:19,260
- [sighing] Oh, God.
504
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:21,195
- You are a journalist
and a rapist,
505
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:23,431
and those are the two worst
things any person can be.
506
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:25,566
Now, listen up, Connie Chung.
507
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:27,672
If you set foot in this store...
508
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:29,508
ever again...
509
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,209
I will bring hell down on you.
510
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,115
- [whispers] Let's go.
511
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:38,217
- Hey!
512
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,718
Thank you so much
for coming today.
513
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,189
- You know, you never actually
got a picture of me.
514
00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:46,658
- Oh, darn.
- Uh, but, I'm free now.
515
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:48,627
Are people still saying
"cheese"?
516
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,128
- Uh...
- 'Cause, I don't want to...
517
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:51,497
- Yeah, you know,
I wish I could,
518
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:54,168
but this camera only holds
5 million photos.
519
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:56,900
- Oh.
- Thanks, though.
520
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:01,406
- Hold up.
521
00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:03,137
You haven't gotten
a picture of me yet.
522
00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:04,309
- Oh.
523
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:05,740
- Why don't we get one
with my boy Glenn?
524
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,345
- Yeah. Terrific.
525
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:09,678
- Yeah?
- All right.
526
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,322
- Yeah. All right.
527
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:13,581
- Hey, reporter!
- [groans]
528
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:15,546
- Will you listen to a song
for the jingle contest?
529
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:16,715
- I'd love to.
530
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,923
That's why I went
to journalism school.
531
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:21,455
- ♪ Cloud 9, come inside
532
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,661
♪ Let the savings rain down
on you ♪
533
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,397
♪ Ooh
534
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,766
- That's... actually
surprisingly not terrible.
535
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,227
- Really?
536
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:30,565
Oh, my God, Bo.
She loves it.
537
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:31,770
- I'm psyched.
538
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,471
- Yeah, it's good.
It's a catchy tune.
539
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:34,473
- [squeals]
540
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,474
- Catchy?
541
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:40,808
Thanks.
542
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:41,913
- You know what?
543
00:19:41,915 --> 00:19:43,605
Forget about it.
544
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:45,246
Bo is the man that I love,
545
00:19:45,251 --> 00:19:46,851
and I won't watch him
give up who he is,
546
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:50,189
even if it means losing
millions of dollars.
547
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,320
- Millions of dollars?
548
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:52,958
- Yeah.
You can keep your stupid money.
549
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:56,228
The prize is a $10
Cloud 9 gift card.
550
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:57,259
- You heard her.
551
00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:58,497
Don't be trying
to suck us back in
552
00:19:58,498 --> 00:19:59,958
with your fancy-ass
lawyer words.
553
00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:02,396
Here's what I think about that
contract right here.
554
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:04,236
[tearing]
Ohh!
555
00:20:04,237 --> 00:20:05,467
Rip, rip, double rip.
556
00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:06,471
[mimics explosion]
557
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:08,840
That was the directions
to my hotel.
558
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:10,509
- Whatever, illuminati.
559
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:13,510
[uplifting music]
560
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:16,813
♪
561
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:19,276
- Hey, Stud.
562
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:20,885
- Hey, listen.
563
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,547
For the record...
564
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,415
- It is none of my business.
565
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:27,226
It was just two
consenting adults making out...
566
00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:28,687
next to 80 bags of kitty litter.
567
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:29,785
But I'm not judging you.
568
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:30,826
- [laughs]
569
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,397
- So are you leaving, or...
570
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:34,298
- Just waiting for my ride.
571
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,368
- Hey. Let's go.
572
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,937
My hotel's right
around the corner.
573
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,906
- [laughing] Wow.
574
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:43,407
So you guys have, like,
more ideas to talk about.
575
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:44,809
- Uh, no, no.
576
00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:47,279
It's like you said:
I'm just really, really, cute.
577
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,480
- That's not what I said.
578
00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:50,311
- Like a panda.
579
00:20:59,891 --> 00:21:03,491
- The new issue
of "Stratus" is here.
580
00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:04,496
Oh, God.
581
00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:07,366
I'm so excited.
582
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:09,397
Hot off the press.
583
00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:17,041
I made the cover.
584
00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:18,943
[laughs]
39893
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