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EXCUSE ME. COULD YOU TELL ME

WHERE I MIGHT FIND THE SUBWAY TO SUTTON PLACE?

LADY, TAKE A CAB.

BELIEVE ME, YOU'D BE BETTER OFF.

GET SOME OF THESE PEOPLE OUT OF THE WAY HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WE GOT THAT?

WAIT. THERE'S INTERFERENCE.

CAN I GET A CLEAR SHOT OF MR. AMBASSADOR?

CAREFUL OF HER HAIR.

THAT'S OKAY, GIRLS. I'LL GET IT.

OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

OH, ALLISON, I'M SORRY. I WAS LOOKING FOR JASON.

OH, MY PARENTS AND ASSORTED RELATIVES

FROM THE BAHAMAS AND PARIS

ARE IN ALL THE UPSTAIRS ROOMS,

SO HE'S BEEN SLEEPING IN THE STUDY.

DO YOU THINK HE'S AS TENSE AS I AM?

PROBABLY, BUT MY WEDDING PRESENT

SHOULD RESTORE HIS NATURAL ARROGANCE.

WHAT IS IT?

A NEW WRITING PARTNER.

WHY AREN'T YOU DRESSED?

MY CLUB'S SENDING OLGA OR SOMEONE OVER

TO GIVE ME A RUBDOWN.

HOW'S THE HOUSE?

FILLING UP.

AND AT THE RISK OF INTRODUCING

A SOMBER NOTE INTO THIS FESTIVE AFFAIR...

COSTING YOU A BUNDLE, WHICH YOU CAN ILL AFFORD.

GOD, YOU'RE CRASS.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE. I'M YOUR AGENT.

JASON CARMICHAEL'S RESIDENCE.

YES, HE IS--

OH.

HOLD ON A MINUTE.

LONG DISTANCE.

THANKS.

YEAH.

OH, HELLO.

NO, YOU'RE NOT THE LAST PERSON I EXPECTED TO HEAR FROM,

BUT I HAVE HAD MORE THRILLING BEGINNINGS TO MY DAY.

LOOK, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WALKED OUT, NOT ME.

IT WASN'T WHAT YOU DID, IT WAS THE WAY YOU DID IT.

IF YOU'D BEEN OPEN WITH ME INSTEAD OF SNEAKING BEHI--

YOU'VE BEEN MEETING WITH HIM FOR OVER THREE MONTHS!

WE WERE TOGETHER 11 YEARS,

AND I HAD TO FIND OUT BY READING IT IN A COLUMN!

I... I AGREE, NO POINT AT ALL,

SO I'M GONNA PUT THE PHONE DOWN.

I HAVE A VERY BUSY SCHEDULE TODAY.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A MASSAGE AND THEN GET MARRIED.

HERMAN?

AFTER ALL THAT'S HAPPENED,

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE GALL OF THAT MAN?

JASON, HE WAS YOUR WRITING PARTNER, NOT YOUR WIFE.

YOU SOUND LIKE A JILTED LOVER.

WHY SHOULDN'T I FEEL JILTED?

THE MAN WAS MEETING WITH SOME FILM PRODUCERS

BEHIND MY BACK WORKING ON A SCREENPLAY!

I'M SURE HE WANTED YOU TO WORK ON IT WITH HIM,

BUT HE KNEW YOU'D NEVER MOVE TO L.A.

I'M TOO YOUNG TO START WRITING ABOUT REAL LIFE FROM MEMORY.

I SENSE A CERTAIN PANIC IN YOU, JASON.

WHAT IS IT?

HERMAN AND I MET RIGHT AFTER I ARRIVED FROM ENGLAND.

TOGETHER WE HAD FIVE SMASH HITS,

TWO NERVOUS HITS, AND ONE FLOP.

LATELY I'VE BEEN HAVING THIS PERSISTENT,

NASTY LITTLE THOUGHT.

WAS HE THE TALENTED ONE?

BLANCHE, THIS IS NO TIME FOR A PAUSE.

I'M ALWAYS TONGUE-TIED WHEN YOU SHOW YOU'RE HUMAN.

WHERE THE HELL IS OLGA?

I HAVE A KNOT IN MY NECK

THAT FEELS AS IF IT WAS TIED BY A STEVEDORE.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT PLAY I SENT YOU,

BLUE IS FOR BOYS?

I DON'T KNOW. IT HAD A CERTAIN QUAINT CHARM.

I'M IN NO MOOD TO MAKE DECISIONS RIGHT NOW.

WHO WROTE IT, ANYWAY?

HIS NAME IS P.J. CRADDOCK.

WE'VE JUST CORRESPONDED,

SO I DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT HIM

EXCEPT THAT HE TEACHES SCHOOL SOMEWHERE UP IN VERMONT.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE SCRIPT ALONG ON YOUR HONEYMOON?

IT'LL HELP FILL UP THE AWKWARD PAUSES.

THE AUTHOR'S COMING INTO TOWN TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY,

SO I SET UP A MEETING WITH HIM HERE AT 11:00, OKAY?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THERE'LL BE AWKWARD PAUSES?

JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH.

DID I TELL YOU ALLISON'S FATHER

IS AMBASSADOR TO NEW ZEALAND?

NOT IN THE LAST TEN MINUTES.

WHY ARE YOU SO IMPRESSED?

BLANCHE, THE MAN HAS A FLAG ON HIS CAR.

WHAT'D YOU DO? MARRY HER SO YOU COULD

DOUBLE-PARK IN DOWNTOWN AUCKLAND?

I'LL GET IT AGAIN, GIRLS.

ABOUT TEN MINUTES TO GO.

COME IN.

I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF SOMEONE WOULD GET THAT.

HELLO.

YES.

OLGA CALLED IN WITH THE FLU AND CAN'T COME.

YES, I'LL PASS ON YOUR MESSAGE.

WHERE'S OLGA?

OLGA COULDN'T COME.

OLGA HAS THE FLU.

OH.

I'M OVERAWED.

OH, UM, THANK YOU.

YOU'RE YOUNGER LOOKING THAN IN YOUR PHOTOS.

'COURSE MOST OF THOSE ARE HEAD SHOTS.

HA HA.

OH, GOD. WHAT A DUMB THING TO SAY.

COULD I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

OF COURSE.

ARE YOU NAKED?

EITHER THAT OR I'M STANDING IN A--IN A SEVERE DRAFT.

YOU'RE JUST A WHITE BLOB TO ME.

I DON'T HAVE MY GLASSES ON. I HAVE VERY WEAK EYES.

I HOPE YOU HAVE STRONG HANDS.

STRONG HANDS?

YEAH, I HAVE A KNOT IN MY SHOULDER.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

WELL, I COULD TRY.

BUT FIRST I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR PLAYS,

AND I'VE ADMIRED YOUR WORK FOR MANY YEARS.

YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE BRIGHTENED MY DAYS, MOLDED MY TASTES,

AND ALTHOUGH IMPOSSIBLE TO ATTAIN,

HAVE PROVIDED ME WITH A STANDARD OF CIVILIZED BEHAVIOR.

YOU'RE NOT THE MASSEUSE.

YOU THOUGHT I WAS?

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M P.J. CRADDOCK.

MY GIVEN NAME IS PHOEBE.

YOU'RE TWO WEEKS EARLY.

NO, IT'S TODAY. I HAVE THE LETTER RIGHT HERE.

IT'S A BIT GRUBBY FROM CONSTANT READING.

THERE IT IS.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT?

GLADLY.

OH.

IT'S SO FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

HOW ONE'S FANTASIES NEVER TURN OUT

QUITE AS ONE EXPECTS, I MEAN,

I ALWAYS VISUALIZED YOU WEARING A SPORTS COAT.

THAT WAS THE MOST EMBARRASSING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!

OH, MY GOD!

IT'S LIKE I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF...

OH, MY GOD!

I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU

YELLING AS THOUGH YOU WERE IN PAIN.

NO, I'M FINE, THANKS.

EXCUSE ME AGAIN.

OH, SHIT!

LOOK, MAYBE I SHOULD COME BACK AT THE EASTER BREAK.

WHY? WE'RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN.

THEY SEEM TO BE PREPARING FOR QUITE A FUNCTION OUT THERE.

SORRY, MISS CRADDOCK.

I'M AFRAID YOU'VE CAUGHT ME AT AN AWKWARD TIME.

YES. THERE'S A HIPPOPOTAMUS IN THE ROOM, ISN'T THERE?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

IT'S AN EXPRESSION. THERE'S SOMETHING PRESENT

THAT NEITHER OF US WANTS TO ACKNOWLEDGE,

BUT WE BOTH KNOW IT'S THERE, DON'T WE?

WE DO?

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE DOING

WHEN I CAME BACK INTO THE ROOM.

MISS CRADDOCK, I REALLY DON'T THINK IT'S NECESSARY--

NO. I THINK WE SHOULD BRING IT OUT INTO THE OPEN.

YOU WERE DANCING AROUND THE ROOM

UTTERING ODD GUTTURAL SOUNDS.

WELL, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I DON'T

THINK ANY THE WORSE OF YOU FOR THAT.

SOMETIMES, WHEN I'M ALONE IN THE CLASSROOM,

I HOOK MY FEET OVER A RAFTER, HANG UPSIDE DOWN,

AND SING THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.

WHAT I MEAN IS, WE ALL DO PECULIAR THINGS

WHEN WE'RE ALONE.

YOU'RE VERY KIND.

DO I HAVE LIPSTICK ON MY TEETH?

UH, NO, NO.

I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS.

MISS CRADDOCK, DO YOU PLAN ON GETTING MARRIED?

EVENTUALLY.

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS AN EXAM.

THE POINT IS, I DON'T WANT TO INVEST IN A PARTNERSHIP

AND THEN HAVE YOU GET THE URGE TO BECOME A MOTHER.

I SEE.

NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT THE THEATER.

THE WORKING CONDITIONS ARE INTOLERABLE,

THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH ARE EGOCENTRIC MANIACS,

AND IT'S FILLED WITH REJECTIONS ON EVERY LEVEL.

WHEN YOU'RE WRITING COMEDY, THE OPPOSITE OF SUCCESS

ISN'T FAILURE, IT'S EMBARRASSMENT,

AND IT'S VERY PUBLIC, MISS CRADDOCK.

THEY WRITE HEADLINES.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE PLEASANT PART.

YOU'LL BE WORKING WITH ME, MISS CRADDOCK,

AND I AM A DIFFICULT PERSON.

IN FACT, SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M IMPOSSIBLE.

I'M DEMANDING, I'M SELFISH, I'M OBSESSIVE,

MOODY, ARROGANT, RARELY SATISFIED.

MY OWN MOTHER ONCE SAID I LACKED WARMTH.

ARE YOU WILLING TO ACCEPT THESE CONDITIONS?

SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN.

ALL RIGHT, DAMN IT! WE'LL GIVE IT A TRY!

I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION-- WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?

I'M SORRY I...

IT'S JUST... YOUR TIMING.

UH, I'D--I'D MADE CERTAIN PLANS.

AND ALSO THIS DAMN TIE WON'T TIE.

MAYBE I COULD HELP.

I SIMPLE WINDSOR KNOT WILL DO FOR NOW.

THERE.

TIME TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE RO--

WHO'S SHE?

OH, IT'S A LONG STORY. I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

WELL, IT'S NOW OR NEVER, KIDDO.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I'M GETTING MARRIED.

OH.

I HAVE TO GO ON MY HONEYMOON.

OH.

CAN YOU START WORKING IN THREE WEEKS' TIME?

LOOK, WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

YES, I REALLY WOULD.

SCOTCH?

IT DOESN'T MATTER. I DON'T DRINK.

IT JUST SEEMS FITTING.

PHOEBE...

TO US.

WHY--WHY WOULD HE WANT TO ADMIT TO THAT?

HE HAD NO CHOICE.

WELL, I--I HOPE IT HASN'T SPOILED IT FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL KATE

THAT THERE'S NOTHING TO GET EXCITED ABOUT.

I CAN VOUCH FOR THAT.

THANKS A LOT.

AND YOU OBJECT?

WHY SHOULD I OBJECT?

I THOUGHT THE REHEARSAL WENT WELL TODAY, DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, ALL MY STUFF WORKED.

IT ALL WORKED, PHOEBE.

OF COURSE, BOSTON MAY BE A DIFFERENT STORY.

HEY, TAXI! RIGHT OVER HERE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP

BEFORE I REALLY LOSE MY TEMPER.

WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER?

BECAUSE FRANKLY I DON'T LIKE BEING

ACCUSED, TRIED, AND CONVICTED OF ADULTERY

WHILE I'M IN THE BATHROOM.

I'M SORRY. F. LEE BAILEY WAS BUSY.

THEY'RE REALLY LOVING IT, AREN'T THEY?

IT'S ONLY BOSTON, PHOEBE.

GOOD EVENING. WHAT WILL IT BE, MISS CRADDOCK?

A TRIPLE SCOTCH.

HI. HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO SEE YOU.

JASON, WE NEED YOU.

THEY WANNA TAKE YOUR PICTURE.

OKAY.

ALLISON.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

JUST WANNA TAKE A COUPLE PHOTOS.

WHERE IS PHOEBE? HAS ANYONE SEEN PHOEBE?

AND SMILE.

I AM SMILING.

COME ON. SMILE.

WE REALLY SHOULD HAVE PHOEBE HERE.

WHERE'D EVERYBODY GO?

THE REVIEWS CAME IN.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE PLAY.

YOU MEAN THE NOTICES.

ARE THEY THAT IMPORTANT?

ONLY IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO BUY TICKETS.

DON'T PATRONIZE ME, JASON.

I MAY NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE THEATER,

BUT I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, ALLISON.

I KNOW YOU NEVER LIKED THE PLAY.

IT WASN'T THAT I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

I JUST DIDN'T THINK IT WAS ABOUT ANYTHING.

IT WAS ABOUT GIVING THE AUDIENCE AN ENTERTAINING EVENING.

IS GETTING DRUNK THE ANSWER?

NO, BUT IT MAKES YOU FORGET THE QUESTION.

WHERE'S ALLISON?

UPSTAIRS, GETTING OUT OF HER "LUCKY" DRESS.

YOU MUST HAVE LEFT THE PARTY REALLY EARLY.

HOW'S PHOEBE TAKING IT?

I DON'T KNOW. SHE DISAPPEARED SOMEWHERE.

BE NICE TO HER, JASON. SHE'S PROBABLY FEELING VERY FRAGILE.

I DON'T EXACTLY FEEL LIKE A SHERMAN TANK MYSELF.

I WAS ALMOST HIT BY THE NEW YORK TIMES DELIVERY TRUCK,

WHICH, AFTER THEIR REVIEWS, SEEMS SOMEWHAT REDUNDANT.

JESUS, WHO DRESSES YOU? QUASIMODO?

YOU OKAY?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I BELIEVE I'M STILL QUITE SQUIFFED.

TONIGHT I FOUND OUT I CANNOT DRINK.

I THREW UP ON THE MAYOR.

I'D HAD TWO BANANA DAIQUIRIS.

I MUST SAY, HE WAS REALLY VERY NICE ABOUT IT.

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN A BIG SUPPORTER OF THE ARTS.

HERE, PULL YOUR ARM OUT OF THIS.

PULL YOUR ARM OUT OF THIS. NO, THE OTHER ARM.

NO. LOOK, JUST STAND STILL AND DON'T DO ANYTHING.

UH, HOLD STILL, HOLD STILL.

JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING.

COME SIT DOWN.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THROW UP AGAIN, ARE YOU?

BLANCHE, I THINK THIS GIRL COULD USE SOME COFFEE.

WOULD YOU TELL THE COOK TO MAKE SOME?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

SHE'S VERY GOOD FOR YOU, JASON.

BRINGS OUT YOUR BETTER NATURE.

OH, DON'T TAKE IT SO HARD.

IT'S ONLY A PLAY.

IN 50 YEARS' TIME, ONLY YOU AND I WILL REMEMBER.

AND I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT I.

FEELING BETTER?

SLEEPY. INCREDIBLY SLEEPY.

DO YOU THINK THAT'S THE ALCOHOL?

EITHER THAT, OR THE BANANAS.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN?

SWEET DREAMS.

DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING WE'RE DRIFTING APART?

JUST COMFORTING A COMRADE

WOUNDED ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE.

THAT'S WEIRD.

I MEAN, SHE'S USUALLY SO SHY AROUND YOU.

I THINK IT'S THE LIQUOR TALKING.

MMM. OH, HER FEET ARE FREEZING, POOR THING.

WAS IT THAT HARD ON HER?

ALLISON, SHE'S GIVEN UP HER CAREER,

SPENT ALL HER SAVINGS,

AND TONIGHT IT ALL BLEW UP IN HER FACE.

AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

HAVE AN AFFAIR, BUY A NEW HAT. I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

JASON.

WE NEED TO TALK.

I THOUGHT WE WERE.

I MEAN ABOUT US.

DOES IT HAVE TO BE TONIGHT?

YES.

I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.

I'VE BEEN WAITING UNTIL AFTER YOU GOT THE PLAY OPENED.

DIDN'T SEEM FAIR TO BURDEN YOU WITH IT BEFORE.

SUDDENLY I'M COLD SOBER.

WELL...

I THINK WE SHOULD BE ALONE FOR THIS SORT OF DISCUSSION.

THEN WHY DID YOU BRING IT UP NOW?

I JUST WANTED YOU TO PENCIL IT IN

ON YOUR APPOINTMENT PAD.

SORRY I TOOK SO LONG.

THE COOK'S GONE TO BED, AND I WAS OUT THERE

TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE COFFEE.

IT'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.

PHOEBE MIGHT FEEL BETTER

IF SHE STAYS WITH US TONIGHT.

SHE CAN BUNK DOWN IN YOUR STUDY.

THAT'S SWEET.

OH, GOD!

OH, I JUST HAD THE MOST TERRIBLE DREAM.

I DREAMT I WAS AT THE OPENING NIGHT PARTY,

AND THE MAYOR WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME...

OH, GOD.

I'D BETTER CHANGE.

MY LAP FEELS A LITTLE WARM AND DAMP.

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

FELT QUITE AGREEABLE.

OH, DEAR, DID I PASS OUT?

NO.

YOU JUST...

WENT TO SLEEP ON JASON'S LAP.

WELL, WHAT DID HE DO?

STROKED YOUR HAIR.

WELL, THAT'S VERY ODD.

JASON'S NOT A PHYSICAL PERSON. WE RARELY TOUCH.

WELL, YOU TOUCHED TONIGHT.

AND I MISSED IT.

LOOK, WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT WITH YOU

IF I DROPPED THE ARROGANT FACADE,

BECAME SLOPPY DRUNK, AND WHINED AND SNIVELED A LOT?

I'D CONSIDER THAT A PRIVILEGE.

PHOEBE, DO ME A FAVOR. DON'T.

DON'T WHAT? DON'T MAKE A SPEECH.

HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA MAKE A SPEECH?

YOUR EYES BEGIN TO WATER.

YOU GET THAT ODD PINCHED LOOK AROUND THE BRIDGE OF YOUR NOSE.

ANYWAY, IT'S MY TURN.

YOUR TURN? YEAH.

PHOEBE, DON'T LET 'EM GET TO YOU.

THAT'S IT? DON'T LET 'EM GET TO ME?

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, I KNOW THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN DIFFICULT FOR YOU.

DIFFICULT?

IT'S BEEN THE BEST TIME I EVER HAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THEN... WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

'CAUSE IT'S ALL OVER.

I'M WETTING YOU AGAIN. YEAH.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE NIPPED IN THE BUD IMMEDIATELY.

NOW, IF YOU PROMISE TO STOP,

I'LL PROMISE TO BE BETTER NEXT TIME.

NEXT TIME?

ON THE NEXT PLAY.

YOU MEAN YOU WANT TO KEEP WORKING WITH ME?

YOU THINK I'M GOING TO TAKE THE RAP ALONE?

LOOK, IF YOU'RE EVEN THINKING OF MAKING A SPEECH,

I'LL WITHDRAW THE OFFER.

IT'S NOT A SPEECH.

I-I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THIS OUT OF LOYALTY

OR MISPLACED COMPASSION.

I REALIZE MY BEHAVIOR TONIGHT HAS BEEN RATHER ERRATIC,

BUT ACTUALLY I AM QUITE RESILIENT, YOU KNOW.

I'LL SURVIVE.

WE'LL, I'M NOT SURE I WILL.

THE REASON I'M ASKING YOU TO STAY

IS NOT ONLY PROFESSIONAL.

I... I...

I'VE GROWN ATTACHED TO YOU.

PHOEBE, I THINK ALLISON AND I ARE SEPARATING.

WHEN DID ALL THIS HAPPEN?

WELL, IT'S ONLY A RUMOR, BUT, AS YOU KNOW,

BAD RUMORS TEND TO BE TRUE.

LISTEN, I-I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

THE POINT IS, I-I'M GOING TO NEED A FRIEND.

GO AND WASH YOUR FACE.

THEN COME BACK AND WE'LL GET REALLY DRUNK

AND TELL EACH OTHER THAT NONE OF THIS IS OUR FAULT.

IS MY PAL SOBERED UP YET?

I WASN'T DRUNK, JUST SHELL-SHOCKED.

I MEANT PHOEBE.

IT'S FUNNY.

I'VE THOUGHT OF 100 WAYS TO TELL YOU THIS.

I SUPPOSE THE BEST WAY IS TO KEEP IT SIMPLE.

ALWAYS.

TROUBLE IS, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

YOU KNOW,

WHEN I MARRIED YOU, I...

I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO.

BECAUSE OF...

WELL, THE SORT OF PLAYS YOU WRITE,

I SUPPOSE I ASSUMED

THAT YOU SPENT A COUPLE OF HOURS EVERY MORNING

DASHING THEM OFF.

BUT IT TAKES A LOT LONGER THAN THAT, DOESN'T IT?

YEAH. IT TAKES A LOT OF THOUGHT TO APPEAR GLIB.

ANYWAY, I DECIDED I NEEDED SOMETHING TO FILL MY TIME,

AND THEN, A FEW WEEKS AGO,

THE SOLUTION PRESENTED ITSELF.

JASON...

I'M PREGNANT.

PREGNANT?

TWO MONTHS.

HEY, I EXPECTED SURPRISE,

BUT NOT CATATONIA.

I'M SORRY.

OF COURSE I'M VERY HAPPY.

WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST LOST YOUR BEST FRIEND.

IT'S FATIGUE.

MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE HIT YOU WITH IT TONIGHT.

NO. NO, IT'S...

NICE TO KNOW SOMETHING I COLLABORATED ON TURNED OUT RIGHT.

REALLY, I'M VERY HAPPY.

WE'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, JASON?

SURE.

WE'LL RUN FOR YEARS.

YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.

COME TO BED.

I'LL BE RIGHT UP.

LOOK, TOMORROW'S GOING TO BE RATHER HECTIC,

SO LET'S PLAN ON A WORK SESSION

10:00 a.m. FRIDAY, OKAY?

I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT, UM,

ALLISON...

WELL, SHE GOT PREGNANT.

WHILE I WAS OUT OF THE ROOM? HA HA.

I'M SORRY. I'M STILL A LITTLE SCATTERED.

GOOD NIGHT, PHOEBE.

GOOD NIGHT.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS.

NINE... TEN...

THAT'S GOOD.

PHOEBE.

IT'S VERY GOOD.

BUT YOU'RE NOT THROUGH.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

OKAY.

THREE. OH, MY.

OH.

IT'S A BOY. WANT TO SEE HIM NOW?

YES.

IT'S OPEN.

IT'S OPEN.

OH, MY GOD. YOU ACTUALLY LIVE HERE?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT RENT BY THE HOUR.

JASON, I'M SICK.

I'M NOT SURE I'M EVEN CAPABLE OF WORKING TODAY.

HEY, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.

YOU HAVE A COLD AGAIN?

THE LAST ONE WAS THREE YEARS AGO.

WAS IT THAT LONG?

WHO SENT YOU THE FLOWERS?

LENNIE. LENNIE?!

IS THAT THE SCREENWRITER WITH THE GOLD CHAINS

AND THE WIG THAT ALMOST FOOLS YOU?

IT'S A VERY GOOD TOUPEE, JASON.

CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.

WHY DON'T YOU LIKE HIM, JASON? HE'S A VERY NICE MAN.

OH, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NOT FEEL LIKE GOING OUT TO EAT, SO I SENT OUT. COME IN!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HERE, PHOEBE. FETCH IT!

COME ON, BRING IT BACK!

BRING IT BACK!

DOG.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL...

IT'S ONLY A LOCAL OFFICE, BUT IT'S A START.

THEY SEEM TO THINK I CAN WIN.

YEAH? IF I DECIDE TO RUN.

HI!

HI!

ANYWAY, I THINK I CAN DO THE JOB

AND STILL TAKE CARE OF OUR SOCIAL LIFE,

BUT WANTED TO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.

IT'S FINE WITH ME, ALLISON.

FINE? YEAH.

I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU. NO QUESTION YOU CAN DO IT.

JUST DON'T EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU WRITE ANY POLITICAL SPEECHES.

HA HA! THAT'S OKAY. PHOEBE PROMISED TO DO IT.

OH. OKAY.

Hi.

Hi.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST GONNA BE YOUR WEEKEND PLACE.

WELL, YOU KNOW JASON.

I THINK HE CAME OUT OF HIS MOTHER'S WOMB

YELLING, "I'LL TAKE ONE IN EVERY COLOR!"

THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM--

MY NEXT TEN PLAYS WILL HAVE TO BE SMASH HITS.

...IN SUBWAY FARES?

I ANSWERED THAT QUESTION AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE.

BUT NOT ITS EFFECTS ON THE PLANNED WEST WAY CONSTRUCTION. ARE YOU IN FAVOR?

MY POSITION ON THAT IS CLEARLY ON THE RECORD. EXCUSE ME.

MORTON CRANE, MOBILE NEWS, REPORTING--

I MARRIED GRACE KELLY,

AND I ENDED UP WITH BELLA ABZUG.

WELL, SHE'S A BRIGHT WOMAN, JASON

SHE NEEDED MORE INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION

THAN WRITING OUT THE PLAY SETTINGS.

YOU REALLY LIKE HER, DON'T YOU?

DON'T YOU?

I HAVE TO, SHE'S MY WIFE.

YOU NEVER CHEAT ON HER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE NOT WITH HER, YOU'RE WITH ME.

MM. I'M NOT ALLOWED.

I BELIEVE IT'S FAR THE MOST IMPORTANT OF RULES.

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, JASON.

ALL RIGHT.

A FEW YEARS AGO, I OWNED A DELICATE CHINA TEAPOT.

ONE DAY I DROPPED IT, AND IT SPLIT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

WELL, I GLUED IT TOGETHER,

AND IT LOOKED AS IF IT HAD NEVER BEEN BROKEN.

AND SEVERAL MONTHS LATER, FOR NO APPARENT REASON,

IT SUDDENLY EXPLODED INTO A THOUSAND PIECES.

I SUPPOSE WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT DESPITE ALL APPEARANCES,

IT'S BETTER TO KEEP YOUR TEAPOT INTACT.

THAT'S SWEET.

YEAH, I THOUGHT YOU'D BUY THAT.

I SURE HOPE THE WEATHER'S BETTER IN CHICAGO.

WELL, WE WERE DUE FOR A FLOP.

MAYBE IT'S THE CHICAGO AUDIENCES.

MAYBE IT'LL PLAY BETTER IN NEW YORK.

IT'S A DISASTER, PHOEBE. NOTHING WORKS.

SO WE'LL CHANGE IT.

I DON'T KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE REARRANGING

THE DECK CHAIRS ON THE TITANIC.

JASON, ARE YOU STILL WITH ME?

YEAH, JUST, UH, DEPRESSED.

I ALSO HAVE THE SUSPICION I'M VERY DRUNK.

THE AUDIENCE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND

WHY SUDDENLY PAUL'S IN LOVE WITH THE GIRL SO QUICKLY.

IT'S A PITY WE CAN'T USE THE CINDERELLA CONVENTION.

YOU MEAN WHERE THE GIRL TAKES OFF HER GLASSES

AND LETS DOWN HER HAIR, AND HE REALIZES SHE'S BEAUTIFUL?

DON'T LAUGH.

AUDIENCES... USED TO LOVE IT.

DO YOU THINK THAT SOMEONE COULD FALL IN LOVE THAT FAST?

OF COURSE.

EVEN HAPPENED TO ME ONCE.

WAS AT THE, UH, TONY AWARDS, ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO.

I SAW THIS WOMAN FROM THE BACK.

SHE WAS WEARING A BLUE DRESS.

HER GLEAMING BLACK HAIR...

CASCADING OVER CREAMY WHITE SHOULDERS.

PFFT! I FELL INSTANTLY IN LOVE.

THEN SHE TURNED ROUND, AND IT WAS YOU.

WHY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN..

WE CAN'T USE CINDERELLA ANYMORE.

LOOK...

WHY DON'T WE GET SOME SLEEP,

AND WE'LL SEE WHAT WE COME UP WITH IN THE MORNING?

WE'VE--WE WORKED EVERY WAY POSSIBLE, PHOEBE.

WELL, NEVER SAY DIE.

IT WAS GREEN, ACTUALLY.

WHAT?

THE DRESS.

IT WAS FROM THE SECOND SCENE OF SOMEWHERE EVERY SUMMER.

I BORROWED IT FROM WARDROBE.

I MIGHT HAVE KNOWN YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT IT.

JASON, IS ANYTHING THE MATTER?

ARE--ARE YOU-- ARE YOU SLEEPY?

HUH, WELL...

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

UH...

I--I... CRAVE...

AFFECTION.

YEAH, WELL...

IT'S--IT'S LATE AND-- AND I DON'T THINK WE--

JASON...

JASON?

GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.

THE EGGS AND PANCAKES ARE VERY GOOD.

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S NO POINT IN PRETENDING THAT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN

OR THAT IT WILL GO AWAY, IS THERE?

SO I'VE COME TO A DECISION.

OH?

LET'S CLOSE IT OUT OF TOWN.

WHAT?

LET'S CUT OUR LOSSES AND RUN.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THE PLAY, PHOEBE.

WE'LL CLOSE HERE. AGREED?

GOOD.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE THEATER FOR THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS.

HERE'S DAD. Hi.

GOOD MORNING, MR. CARMICHAEL.

HELLO.

SOMEONE NAMED LEO JESSUP CALLED. WHO'S HE?

OH, HE'S JUST A REPORTER.

HE'S BEEN DOING A STORY ON US.

I'LL GET BACK TO HIM LATER.

ACTUALLY, HE ASKED FOR PHOEBE.

OH.

YOU WORKING THIS WEEKEND?

YEAH. I THOUGHT WE'D PICK THE KIDS UP

AND TAKE THEM UP TO THE COUNTRY.

PHOEBE!

TIMMY. HOLD IT.

DON'T RUN.

PHOEBE! PHOEBE!

MORNING, EVERYBODY.

HI. NO, TIMMY.

GO UPSTAIRS AND PUT YOUR JACKET ON.

QUICK. WE'RE LATE.

HERE'S THE SCENE I WORKED ON LAST NIGHT.

OKAY. GREAT.

OH, AND KATE MALLORY PHONED.

SHE'S IN TOWN DOING SOME P.R. ON HER LATEST MOVIE,

AND SHE WANTS TO MEET WITH US

TO, QUOTE, "CONCEPTUALIZE THE THEMATIC PROBLEM OF THE PLAY," END QUOTE.

DOES SHE REALLY TALK LIKE THAT?

SHE'S A CURIOUS COMBINATION--

MEAN AND DUMB.

COME ON! COME ON!

COMING!

THANKS FOR DROPPING TIMMY OFF AT SCHOOL, PHOEBE.

EVERY WORKING COUNCILWOMAN SHOULD HAVE A FRIEND LIKE YOU.

HERE YOU ARE, SIR. THANKS, ROSIE.

SOMETIMES I WORRY ABOUT HER.

WHY? OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE MUCH OF A LIFE.

SHE'S ONE OF AMERICA'S MOST SUCCESSFUL WRITERS.

AND SINCE SHE'S EASILY THE CHEAPEST, SHE'S ALSO ONE OF THE RICHEST.

I SHOULD HAVE HER LUCK.

WHAT DOES SHE DO ABOUT SEX?

I HAVE NO IDEA. DON'T YOU EVER ASK HER?

ALLISON, WE WORK IN THERE. WE DON'T HAVE PAJAMA PARTIES.

OH, I KNOW.

I HEAR A LOT ABOUT THE ANGUISH OF CREATION.

I ALSO HEAR A LOT OF LAUGHTER COMING OUT OF THAT ROOM.

YOU JEALOUS OF PHOEBE?

YES, I SUPPOSE I AM.

I'M JEALOUS OF THE ONGOING LOVE AFFAIR

YOU TWO HAVE WITH THE THEATER.

IT'S AN OBSESSION I CAN'T SHARE.

I COULD SAY THAT ABOUT YOUR CAREER IN POLITICS.

OH, I'M NOT COMPLAINING, JUST STATING A FACT.

ANYWAY, I JUST THINK SHE SHOULD BE MARRIED.

THAT'S HER CHOICE.

NOT REALLY.

SHE'S VERY INFLUENCED BY YOU.

I NEVER INTERFERE WITH PHOEBE'S PERSONAL LIFE.

OH, COME ON, JASON.

WHEN THAT NICE OLDER MAN FROM FLORIDA WAS TAKING HER OUT,

AND YOU SAID, "IN FIVE YEARS HE'LL BE WALKING AROUND

WITH HIS FLY ZIPPER NOT QUITE ZIPPED UP."

THAT KILLED THAT ROMANCE.

IT WAS JUST A PASSING OBSERVATION.

NO. YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO COME UP WITH THE PERFECT PHRASE

TO EFFECTIVELY ELIMINATE ANYONE

WHO'S EVEN SLIGHTLY INTERESTED IN HER.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DRIVING AT, ALLISON?

LET HER GO, JASON.

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT PHOEBE?

BECAUSE IT KEEPS US FROM TALKING ABOUT US, I SUPPOSE.

DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY THAT MUSIC?

IT'S THE PERFECT MOOD MUSIC FOR WRITING THIS PLAY.

WE'VE BEEN PLAYING IT FOR SIX MONTHS NOW.

I MEAN, IT'S REALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES.

WHO THE HELL CAN THAT BE?

PROBABLY LEO JESSUP.

MY GOD. HE'S BEEN HANGING AROUND FOR THREE WEEKS.

DOESN'T HE HAVE A STORY ON US BY NOW?

I THOUGHT YOU FOUND HIM AMUSING.

DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO ADOPT HIM.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

I SEE YOU'RE BUSY.

JUST WANTED TO CHECK SOME FACTS, OKAY?

WHAT YEAR EXACTLY DID YOU GRADUATE FROM OXFORD?

UM...

LOOK, I'D PREFER YOU DIDN'T MENTION I WENT TO OXFORD.

THAT'S A BAD SCHOOL?

I BECAME AN AMERICAN YEARS AGO.

ANYWAY, I'D PREFER TO BE JUDGED SOLELY BY MY WORK.

OKAY.

HAVE YOU SEEN ANY OF MY PLAYS?

NO. READ 'EM ALL.

LOOK, THERE'S ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW--

I'M NOT OFFENDED BY FLATTERY.

LEO'S JUST BACK FROM TWO YEARS IN RUSSIA.

JUST A FILL-IN ASSIGNMENT

UNTIL I CAN GET BACK TO MY SERIOUS STUFF.

YOU'RE, UM, AN EXPERT ON RUSSIA?

DA.

YEAH, I AM.

I SPEAK THE LINGO.

HOW MANY OTHER LINGOES DO YOU SPEAK?

JUST A FEW.

YOU MIND IF I ASK A QUESTION?

SURE.

I SUSPECT THAT UNDERNEATH THAT UNKEMPT EXTERIOR,

YOU'RE AN EDUCATED, CIVILIZED MAN.

WHY DO YOU GO TO ALL THAT TROUBLE

TO HIDE IT WITH UGLY TIES?

IT'S NO TROUBLE.

WELL,

I HAVE TO GO INTO TOWN. EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S JUST--

HUH?

IT'S JUST THAT JASON MIGHT COME BACK OUT.

SO? HE'S NOT YOUR FATHER.

NO. WELL, HE IS IN A WAY.

YOU MEAN PROFESSIONALLY?

IN EVERY WAY.

A WRITING COLLABORATION'S A VERY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.

YEAH. I BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU ABOUT THAT.

IS THIS FOR THE ARTICLE?

NO. I'VE ALREADY WRITTEN THE ARTICLE.

I'VE JUST WANTED AN EXCUSE TO SEE YOU.

WHY?

I WANT YOU TO MARRY ME.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YES.

I THINK I NEED A MOMENT TO ABSORB THIS.

OKAY.

COME ON.

OVER HERE. COME ON, FELLAS.

THERE YOU ARE.

ABSORBED IT YET?

NO, HUH? OKAY.

SO... ABOUT JASON.

YOU'VE BEEN TO BED WITH HIM?

HMM?

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK A THING LIKE THAT?

I'M A PRAGMATIST.

YOU'RE OUT OF TOWN TOGETHER, AND IT'S AN OLD AXIOM.

DESIRE PLUS OPPORTUNITY USUALLY EQUALS HUMPAGE.

AM I BEING TOO PERSONAL?

YES, YOU ARE.

THERE'S A REASON.

I'VE JUST BEEN ASSIGNED TO THE PARIS BUREAU,

AND I HAVE TO LEAVE IN FIVE WEEKS,

AND I WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME.

I SEE.

PHOEBE, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HIM?

I WAS.

AND NOW?

NOW WE JUST WRITE PLAYS TOGETHER.

SO?

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

BUT FIRST,

LET ME GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO HELP YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

COME HERE.

I DO LOVE YOU, PHOEBE.

OH, YOU LOOK AS IF YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE IMPORTANT.

I AM. MY TAILOR'S.

BUT WE HAVE SOME WORK TO FINISH UP FIRST.

OKAY, OKAY.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE HIT BY A TRUCK.

I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO WORK, DO YOU?

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

'CAUSE YOU NEVER LIKE TO SIT DOWN AND CREASE YOURSELF

BEFORE YOU GO TO YOUR TAILOR.

UH... DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHY HE WAS DOING THAT?

BECAUSE HE FINDS ME ATTRACTIVE.

OH, COME ON, PHOEBE.

DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BUY THAT?

YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO BRING IT ON.

YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A MIGRAINE HEADACHE.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT THE FIRST TIME HE'S LEFT ALONE WITH YOU,

HE'S OVERCOME WITH DESIRE AND LEAPS ON YOU?

OF COURSE NOT. WE'VE BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER.

THIS IS NO TIME TO BE COY.

WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?

UPSET AT WHAT?

YOU JUST SAT DOWN AND CREASED YOURSELF.

WELL, I--NATURALLY, I AM SOMEWHAT ALARMED.

WHY?

WELL, YOU KNOW, FOR SOMEONE SO TALENTED,

YOU CAN BE REMARKABLY OBTUSE.

DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING?

YEAH, YOU'RE SHOUTING.

BECAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

HE'S A JOURNALIST, PHOEBE.

HE MAKES A LIVING WRITING DOWN WHAT PEOPLE SAY

WHEN THEY'RE OFF GUARD.

WE DIDN'T DISCUSS MY WORK. WE JUST HUNG OUT TOGETHER.

"HUNG OUT"?

AREN'T YOU GETTING A LITTLE OLD FOR THAT SORT OF THING?

I WISH I COULD THINK OF A REPLY TO THAT,

BUT RIGHT NOW I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A HOT FLASH.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THIS IS A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP?

I'M NOT TRYING TO TELL YOU ANYTHING.

NOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, JASON?

I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU GET HURT

OR DEPRESSED.

OH.

YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS FOR YOU TO BE FUNNY

WHEN YOU'RE DEPRESSED.

I DON'T HAVE ANY ILLUSIONS

ABOUT THE WAY LEO FEELS ABOUT ME, JASON.

GOOD.

HE WANTS TO MARRY ME.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

HE ASKED ME.

WHEN? JUST NOW.

WHILE YOU WERE WEARING THAT HAT?!

MAYBE HE'S A YOGI BERRA FAN.

I WANT YOU TO STOP SEEING HIM.

WHY SHOULD I?

DO I REALLY HAVE TO SAY IT?

I MEAN, YOU WANT ME TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?

I'M NOT SURE.

PERHAPS IT IS TIME WE STOPPED SKIRTING THE ISSUE.

I MEAN,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT SOMETIME.

PHOEBE...

OUR SECOND ACT DOESN'T WORK AT ALL.

APPEARS THE SORT OF MAN

WHO WEARS LEATHER PATCHES ON HIS ELBOWS.

NOT ON HIS JACKET. ON HIS ELBOWS.

HE'S A LOT LIKE ARCHIE BUNKER,

BUT WITHOUT THE POLISH.

IF THEY MADE TRIPLE-KNIT SUITS, LEO WOULD WEAR THEM.

HAVE FUN.

BYE.

Hi.

IF THEY MADE TRIPLE-KNIT SUITS, LEO WOULD WEAR THEM.

YES. THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS I LIKE BEST ABOUT HIM.

DID YOU WANT A CUP OF COFFEE?

WONDER HOW LONG THIS IS GOING TO GO ON?

YOU SEE, I DON'T WANT JUST YOUR TALENT, JASON.

I WANT YOUR GUTS.

WELL, YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM.

I GAVE THEM TO TALLULAH BANKHEAD YEARS AGO.

OH, JASON,

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HIDE BEHIND EASY LAUGHS?

THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

NOW, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, MISS MALLORY?

THE SAME ONE. THE ENDING.

I'M SORRY, BUT MY INSTRUMENT JUST WON'T PLAY THAT NOTE.

YOU SEE, I VISUALIZE THE CHARACTER

AS SORT OF A JOAN OF ARC OF THE '70s.

I MEAN,

I DON'T SEE WHY SHE HAS TO END UP WITH ANY MAN.

THAT'S A VALID POINT OF VIEW, MISS MALLORY,

BUT IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR PLAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY DON'T WRITE

GOOD WOMEN'S ROLES ANYMORE?

YOU HAVE TO HIRE ACTRESSES TO PLAY THEM.

I HOPE NOTHING'S HAPPENED TO HIM.

IT'S NOT LIKE JASON NOT TO KEEP AN APPOINTMENT.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HIM?

ABOUT 2:00.

HE STORMED OUT OF REHEARSALS

WHEN KATE MALLORY ASKED HIM TO REWRITE THE ENDING.

THEY ABSOLUTELY LOATHE EACH OTHER.

I'M ON HIS SIDE.

I'VE NEVER BEEN STOOD UP FOR LUNCH BEFORE.

JASON!

JASON?

JASON, ARE YOU HERE?

YEAH. WHAT IS IT?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OF COURSE. I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

WELL, AT LEAST HE'S ALIVE.

SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU, MY LOVE?

ARE YOU GOING TO MARRY THAT NICE YOUNG MAN?

WELL, I'VE GONE FROM "NO" TO "PERHAPS,"

BUT I'M NOT FOOLING ANYBODY.

NOT EVEN ME.

BUT ISN'T HE LEAVING FOR PARIS IN A COUPLE OF DAYS?

OH, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, BLANCHE.

EVEN IF I WANTED TO GET MARRIED,

I COULDN'T WALK OUT ON JASON NOW.

HE'D SURVIVE.

OH, HE'D SCREAM BLOODY MURDER,

BUT HE'D SURVIVE.

I TAKE IT THIS IS MY FRIEND, NOT MY AGENT, TALKING.

I'D JUST HATE TO SEE YOU TURN INTO

ONE OF THOSE DOTTY WOMEN WRITERS

WHO DRINK TOO MUCH AND WEAR HATS.

Hi.

HAVE YOU BEEN EAVESDROPPING?

OF COURSE NOT.

WHO CAN HEAR ANYTHING OVER THE CLASH OF YOUR BRACELETS?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE ANYWAY?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET US AT THE RUSSIAN TEA ROOM.

WELL, SOMETHING CAME UP, AND--

OH.

UH, KATE AND I DECIDED THAT, UH,

OUR DIFFERENCES WERE UNDERMINING THE CREATIVE PROCESS,

SO I-I INVITED HER OVER HERE...

SO WE COULD DISCUSS OUR PROBLEMS

AND ARRIVE AT A REASONABLE SOLUTION.

AND OF COURSE,

AS ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN TWO HUMAN BEINGS REACH OUT TO ONE ANOTHER,

IT WORKED!

THE POINT IS THAT,

UH, WE DISCOVERED

WE--WE'RE BOTH AFTER THE SAME THING,

THE BEST POSSIBLE PRODUCTION.

WE WERE JUST COMING AT IT FROM...

TWO, UM...

DIFFERENT PLACES.

MM-HMM.

REALLY.

SOMETHING THE MATTER?

NO.

I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY WRAP.

WHY IS EVERYBODY STARING AT ME?

UM...

OH. HERE'S YOUR WRAP.

NO, I'LL CARRY IT.

I-I'LL CARRY IT.

NO. MUST--

SHOULD I CALL A CAB, OR CAN SOMEONE GIVE ME A LIFT?

UH?

UH... I'M HEADING DOWNTOWN.

WHERE CAN I DROP YOU?

OH, AT THE PARK.

I'LL WALK THE REST OF THE WAY.

ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR STAY?

OH, I JUST LOVE NEW YORK.

EVERY TIME I COME HERE,

I FEEL LIKE GOING DOWN ON THE WHOLE CITY.

YOU CERTAINLY HAVE THE WEATHER FOR IT.

YOUR VISIT, I MEAN.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT A BEAUTIFUL THING HAPPENED THIS AFTERNOON.

TWO HUMAN BEINGS MADE CONTACT.

NOW, LET'S GET TO WORK.

YEAH, WELL...

WE'D BETTER TAKE TEN MINUTES OUT OF THE PLAY.

NOTHING IN LIFE SHOULD LAST LONGER THAN TWO HOURS.

WE ALSO NEED A CURTAIN LINE FOR SCENE FOUR. ANY IDEAS?

MNH-MNH.

PHOEBE, ARE YOU GOING TO SIT THERE

MAKING RASPY LITTLE NOISES, OR ARE WE GOING TO WORK?

YOU WENT TO BED WITH HER, DIDN'T YOU?

WANT ME TO STAND UP AND SHARE IT WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS?

DON'T DENY IT.

DO YOU WANT TO FIX THIS PLAY OR NOT?

MY GOD, HOW COULD YOU?

WELL, IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT.

PHOEBE, I DIDN'T COMMIT AN AX MURDER.

WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME LIKE THAT?

IT'S SO UNPROFESSIONAL.

WELL, ACTUALLY, IT WAS VERY PROFESSIONAL.

WELL, I'M GLAD SHE HAS SOME TECHNIQUE SOMEWHERE.

ALL I MEAN WAS,

IT STARTED OUT AS A PROFESSIONAL THING.

I MEAN, UH...

I--I WAS...

I WAS DOING IT FOR YOU, TOO, YOU KNOW?

DID I ENJOY IT?

I WAS JUST TRYING TO IMPROVE OUR RELATIONSHIP.

YOU KNOW WHAT A--

DON'T TRY AND ROMANTICIZE IT.

YOU WERE CHEATING. YOU COMMITTED ADULTERY.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. YOU SOUND LIKE A WIFE.

I HAPPEN TO BE A FRIEND OF YOUR WIFE.

IT'S NOT THE SAME THING. I'M YOUR PARTNER!

EXACTLY.

YOU'RE NOT MY PRIEST, YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY MISTRESS,

AND MY PRIVATE LIFE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR PRIVATE LIFE.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU DID IT RIGHT HERE IN OUR OFFICE WHERE WE WORK!

IT'S NOT A CATHEDRAL. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I THOUGHT I WAS WORKING WITH A MAN OF HONOR.

DID I EVER SAY OR DO ONE THING TO MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT?

YOU SAID YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR TEAPOT INTACT.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES!

YOU SOUND JUST LIKE A WOMAN!

I'M TRYING VERY HARD TO UNDERSTAND YOUR ACTIONS.

OH?

DO YOU LOVE HER, JASON?

LOVE HER? I CAN'T EVEN HEAR HER FROM THE BALCONY!

THEN WHY? OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT SEX?

EVIDENTLY NOT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M LEAVING.

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW, IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.

I'LL WORK ON THE CUTS--

I MEAN PERMANENTLY.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU'D ACTUALLY WALK OUT ON A 7-YEAR PARTNERSHIP

OVER SOMETHING AS STUPID AND TRIVIAL AS THIS?

GOOD-BYE, JASON.

DID YOU KNOW I HAD MY NOSE FIXED?

WHAT? MY NOSE, IT'S FIXED.

I HAD IT DONE YEARS AGO.

WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH KATE MALLORY?

I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHY THIS AFTERNOON HAPPENED.

SHE FOUND OUT AND BLACKMAILED YOU INTO BED WITH HER?

MY TEETH ARE CAPPED, TOO.

I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT'S GOT--

ALL OF THEM? NO, NOT ALL OF THEM.

STOP INTERRUPTING. I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT.

PLEASE HEAR ME OUT.

AFTER SEVEN YEARS, YOU AT LEAST OWE ME THAT.

MY REAL NAME...

ISN'T JASON CARMICHAEL.

IT'S FRED CARP.

I DIDN'T GRADUATE FROM OXFORD.

I NEVER EVEN FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL.

I WAS BORN IN THE SLUMS OF THE EAST END OF LONDON,

AND THAT'S WHERE I GREW UP.

I WAS ARRESTED THREE TIMES BEFORE I WAS 15,

MOSTLY FOR STEALING FOOD OFF THE BARROWS

OF THE VEGETABLE MARKET.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I REALLY AM?

OLIVER TWIST?

I'M A TOTALLY MANUFACTURED MAN.

I DIDN'T LIKE MY LIFE, HATED WHAT I WAS,

SO I BECAME SOMEONE ELSE.

YOU KNOW WHY I MARRIED ALLISON?

I COULDN'T GET OVER THE FACT THAT SOMEONE WITH HER BACKGROUND

WOULD WANT ME.

WELL, SO MUCH FOR THE PAST.

LATELY I'VE BEEN FEELING MORE...

UNATTRACTIVE THAN USUAL.

THINGS BETWEEN ALLISON AND ME

HAVEN'T BEEN VERY GOOD.

ALL RIGHT.

NONE OF THAT IS THE REAL REASON IT HAPPENED.

I--I WAS ANGRY AT YOU

BECAUSE OF LEO.

I WANTED SOMEHOW TO LASH BACK.

LOOK, I SUPPOSE WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, I--

I WAS TERRIFIED OF LOSING YOU.

SO YOU SEE BEFORE YOU AN INSECURE MIDDLE-AGED MAN

WHO JUST THIS AFTERNOON MADE A COMPLETE ASS OF HIMSELF.

AND WHO COULDN'T REGRET IT MORE.

THEY DID A TERRIBLE JOB ON YOUR NOSE.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE LAST SCENE.

PHOEBE, IT'S ALL TOO NEAT, TOO SLICK.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH. PROFESSIONAL.

PAT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST HAVE A GUT FEELING ABOUT IT.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO END UP WITH ANY MAN?

I MEAN, THIS IS 1981.

IT'LL GIVE IT A MORE CONTEMPORARY FEELING.

YOU MEAN MAKE HER A JOAN OF ARC OF THE '80s?

WHAT A GOOD IDEA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PACKING.

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T LIKE MY IDEA FOR THE THIRD ACT?

REALLY, A SIMPLE NO WOULD BE SUFFICIENT.

NO, IT WOULDN'T.

COME ON. YOU'VE LOST ALL SENSE OF PROPORTION.

AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR INTEGRITY. YOU'VE SOLD OUT.

ONE SELLOUT, AND I'VE LOST MY INTEGRITY?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

I'M GETTING MARRIED, GOING TO PARIS, AND HAVING THREE CHILDREN.

YOU CAN'T WALK OUT RIGHT NOW. WE HAVE A PLAY IN REHEARSAL.

WELL, SEND ME THE REVIEWS.

THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, DAMN IT.

YOU HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES HERE.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU AND KATE MALLORY

CAN TAKE CARE OF ANY REWRITES.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE PLAY.

WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? I'M NOT THEIR MOTHER!

YOU'RE MORE THAN THEIR MOTHER. YOU LIKE THEM. YOU LISTEN TO THEM.

IF YOU'D BEEN THE FATHER YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN,

I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH THEM.

THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO THIS THAN AN ARTISTIC DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

JUST WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S BOTHERING ME.

I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE!

YOU'RE A VAIN, ARROGANT, INSENSITIVE, SELFISH BULLY.

I AM NOT VAIN.

THEN WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SIT IN THAT CHAIR?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

SO YOU CAN LOOK AT YOURSELF ALL DAY IN THAT MIRROR.

I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET AN IDEA,

BUT YOU'RE JUST ADMIRING YOURSELF.

IS THAT ALL? NO, IT'S NOT ALL!

WHENEVER WE SIT IN A RESTAURANT,

YOU ALWAYS TAKE THE BEST SEAT

WITH YOUR BACK TO THE WALL

SO EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU.

SO THEY CAN'T SEE YOU!

YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE A WALKING GARAGE SALE!

HEY, WAIT, THAT WAS GIVEN TO BOTH OF US!

IT WAS GIVEN TO ME!

READ THE INSCRIPTION.

OH, KEEP THE DAMN BOOK!

YOU COULD HAVE BROKEN A RIB.

I MEAN, JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT, THAT'S WHO I AM!

OH.

OH, GOD, I'LL BE SO GLAD NOT TO HAVE TO FACE YOU EVERY DAY.

YOU THINK IT'S BEEN EASY

LIVING WITH YOUR RELENTLESS PERKINESS ALL THESE YEARS?

HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW DEPRESSING IT IS

TO BE AROUND THAT MUCH NICENESS?

NICENESS IS DEPRESSING?

MEALY-MOUTHED NICENESS,

LIKE WHEN THAT ACTRESS PROPOSITIONED YOU,

SHE'D ASKED, "ARE YOU GAY?"

AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SAID?

I SAID, "NO, I'M NOT." NO, YOU DIDN'T.

YOU SAID, "NO, I'M NOT, BUT THANK YOU FOR ASKING."

YOU'RE AFRAID OF OFFENDING ANYONE.

WELL, MAYBE THAT'S WHY I SAY GOOD-BYE WHEN I LEAVE A ROOM

AND HELLO WHEN I COME IN.

VERY ORIGINAL.

YOU DON'T SAY HELLO OR GOOD-BYE.

YOU JUST LEAVE. IT'S THE ULTIMATE CONCEIT.

BETTER THAN YOUR STAMMERING, BLUSHING HUMBLE ACT.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU'RE NOT TALENTED ENOUGH TO BE THAT HUMBLE!

OOH!

THIS IS MINE!

OH, HERE! YOU WANT TO TAKE SOME PAPER?

HALF THE PENCILS?

PAPER CLIPS?

OH! USED TYPEWRITER RIBBON!

OH, WAIT A MINUTE!

THERE'S HALF A BOX OF KLEENEX IN THE BATHROOM!

I'M WALKING OUT OF HERE WITH EXACTLY WHAT I CAME IN WITH!

PLUS 50% OF MY ROYALTIES--

WHICH I MORE THAN EARNED.

AND FROM WHICH YOU HAD THE FIRST NICKEL,

PLUS TOWELS AND SOAP FROM EVERY HOTEL WE'VE EVER STAYED IN!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY DESPISE ABOUT YOU?

I LOATHE YOUR... ...CHEAPNESS!

YOU ARE FINISHING MY SENTENCES FOR ME!

SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT!

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I'VE ALWAYS REALLY HATED ABOUT YOU?

WHY NOT? YOU'VE GONE THIS FAR.

I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOUR ASS!

OH, ELOQUENT. VERY ELOQUENT.

I MEAN, I LITERALLY HATE YOUR ASS!

YOU AND YOUR DAMNED EXERCISES.

EVERY DAY FOR SEVEN YEARS,

I TURN AROUND AND FIND I'M ADDRESSING YOUR REAR END!

BELIEVE ME, IT IS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT!

YEAH? WELL, I THINK I'LL GET A SECOND OPINION ON THAT.

GOOD-BYE, JASON.

PHOEBE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

I NAMED MY DOG AFTER YOU!

IT'S NOT ENOUGH, JASON.

OH! KEEP THE DAMN CASE!

IT WON'T LAST THREE MONTHS!

WHEN HE SEES THOSE SUBSTANDARD FLANNEL NIGHTGOWNS,

HE'LL RUN TO THE NEAREST FIRE ESCAPE!

I HAVE ONLY ONE REPLY TO THAT, JASON.

EVEN AN EGG TAKES THREE MINUTES.

WHAT?!

YOU WERE INADEQUATE IN CHICAGO.

I'VE TOLD YOU WHY.

WE HAD AN ARTISTIC DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

PHOEBE WOULD NEVER HAVE RUN OFF TO PARIS

OVER AN ARTISTIC DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS

TO MAKE HER LEAVE.

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

BECAUSE SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? ARE YOU MAD AGAIN?

WHO IS IT?

VICE SQUAD. OPEN UP.

DOROTHY! HOW ARE YOU?

OH, UM...

I'M SORRY. I'LL COME BACK. WHY?

DOROTHY'S NUMBER ONE RULE OF ETIQUETTE--

HOSTESS SHOULD NEVER INTERRUPT THE GUESTS.

JASON, I FOUND OUT WHY PHOEBE LEFT YOU.

ALLISON, KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

WE'RE REHEARSING.

JASON, I'M DIVORCING YOU.

OH, HE'S COMING LATER.

I WAS IN A FASHION SHOW

AND GOT FED UP WITH LOOKING AT SKINNY, UNWRINKLED BODIES,

AND THAT'S WHY I'VE RUN AWAY.

BIG THRILL.

JASON?

JASON? IT'S BLANCHE!

JASON?

JASON, ARE YOU HERE?

IT'S BLANCHE!

YOU'RE NOT IN THE FOLLIES ANYMORE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HEARD AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE.

IF YOU EXPECT YOUR SOCIAL LIFE TO PICK UP,

YOU SHOULD GET YOUR DOORBELL FIXED.

AND IF YOU EXPECT YOUR INCOME TO PICK UP,

YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR PHONES ON THE HOOK.

GOD, YOU'RE CRASS.

YOU LOOK AWFUL. HAVE YOU SEEN A DOCTOR LATELY?

I MEAN, YOU REALLY LOOK UNHEALTHY.

WILL YOU STOP REVIEWING ME IF I GIVE YOU A DRINK?

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN LIVE IN THIS MESS. DON'T YOU HAVE A CLEANING WOMAN?

A CLEANING WOMAN?

I CAN BARELY AFFORD TO KEEP THE BENTLEY.

OKAY. YOU WERE UPSET WHEN PHOEBE LEFT.

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

I CAN EVEN UNDERSTAND WHEN ALLISON DIVORCED YOU

AND YOU DIDN'T DRAW A SOBER BREATH FOR A YEAR.

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND

IS WHY YOU AND THE TYPEWRITER HAVE BECOME NATURAL ENEMIES.

I TRIED, MY LOVE. BELIEVE ME, I TRIED.

IT'S JUST TOO DAMN HARD.

WHY DID YOU TELL THE MAN FROM CBS

YOU'D ONLY WRITE FOR TV IF YOUR CHILDREN GOT RICKETS?

I WAS TRYING TO LET HIM DOWN EASILY.

HAVE YOU READ PHOEBE'S BOOK YET?

WHAT BOOK?

COME ON, JASON.

IT'S BEEN ON THE BESTSELLER LIST FOR WEEKS.

I'D RATHER NOT LISTEN TO THE DUBIOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS

OF A WOMAN WHO... RUINED MY LIFE.

WHAT DID PHOEBE EVER DO TO YOU?

SHE'S A LITERARY OPPORTUNIST.

SHE DRAINED ME DRY, AND THEN SHE LEFT ME.

SHE'S BACK IN TOWN.

WHO CARES?

THEY ARRIVED THREE DAYS AGO.

LEO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF ASSIGNED BACK HERE

SO THAT PHOEBE COULD PUBLICIZE HER BOOK.

HOW IS SHE?

YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF. SHE'S DUE HERE ANY MOMENT.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE HER! I'M NOT READY FOR THAT YET!

WHEN WILL YOU BE READY?

WHEN I HAVE THREE HITS RUNNING ON BROADWAY.

HERE. YOU'D BETTER STOP HER.

WHY?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HER TO SEE ME LIKE THIS,

WITH MY HAIR IN CURLERS,

WEARING A CHEAP KIMONO.

COME ON.

ANYWAY, I HAVE APPOINTMENTS ALL DAY.

JASON, TAKE SOME ADVICE.

WHEN YOU SEE HER, DON'T PUT ON AIRS.

YOU'RE MUCH MORE APPEALING WHEN YOU'RE VULNERABLE.

HELLO, JASON.

HELLO.

YES, I KNOW. I LOOK AWFUL.

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

NEITHER WOULD I, ACTUALLY. BLANCHE SAID IT.

JASON, WHY ARE YOU STILL NURSING SUCH A GRUDGE?

ARE YOU ASKING THAT SERIOUSLY?

YOU TURNED MY LIFE UPSIDE DOWN.

YOU RUINED MY MARRIAGE.

HOW DID I RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE?

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

DON'T YOU KNOW WHY ALLISON LEFT ME?

SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT YOU AND KATE MALLORY.

AND HOW DO YOU THINK SHE FOUND OUT?

SHE KEPT ON ASKING ME WHY YOU'D WALKED OUT

AND WOULDN'T ACCEPT ANY OF THE REASONS I GAVE HER.

SHE WAS QUITE DEMENTED AT THE TIME,

TOTALLY IRRATIONAL. IT MADE NO SENSE AT ALL.

WHAT DIDN'T?

SHE SAID THAT ALL THE YEARS WE'VE BEEN WORKING TOGETHER

YOU'D BEEN IN LOVE WITH ME.

I WAS.

I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU.

WELL, NOW YOU CAN SEE

WHY I BEAR YOU A CERTAIN ANIMOSITY.

NO, I DON'T.

FOR GOD'S SAKES,

YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD THE DECENCY TO TELL ME.

WHITE WINE, PLEASE.

SCOTCH AND WATER.

THANK YOU. THANKS.

HAVE YOU READ ROMANTIC COMEDY?

WHAT?

IT'S THE TITLE OF MY BOOK.

I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN...

I'VE BEEN RATHER PRESSED FOR TIME LATELY.

WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME

AS IF I HAVEN'T COMPLETED A HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT.

I SIMPLY HAVEN'T GOT AROUND TO IT YET.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT JUST BE CURIOUS.

WELL...

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I WANT TO ADAPT IT INTO A PLAY,

AND I WANT YOU TO COLLABORATE WITH ME ON IT.

WHY?

WELL, FIRST YOU BETTER LET ME TELL YOU

HOW I GOT THE IDEA.

IS THAT ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY?

IT WAS A FUNNY QUOTE BY HEMINGWAY.

YEAH, HE'S ALWAYS CRACKED ME UP.

HE SAID THAT HE AND THIS WOMAN

HAD BEEN IN LOVE FOR 40 YEARS,

BUT THAT WHENEVER HE WAS SINGLE, SHE WAS MARRIED,

AND WHENEVER SHE WAS SINGLE, HE WAS MARRIED.

HE SAID THAT THEY WERE

VICTIMS OF UNSYNCHRONIZED PASSION.

SO THAT STARTED ME THINKING ABOUT US.

HMM.

I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING

IS THAT YOU SHOULD COLLABORATE WITH ME ON IT

BECAUSE I STOLE YOUR CHARACTER.

ISN'T THIS WHERE YOU CAME IN NINE YEARS AGO?

YES. THAT DIDN'T TURN OUT TOO BADLY, DID IT?

AND NOW YOU THINK I NEED THE MONEY,

AND MY LIFE IS A SHAMBLES.

YES. WELL, I'D BE LESS THAN HONEST

IF I SAID I WASN'T AWARE OF THAT,

BUT IT'S NOT YOUR LACK OF MONEY THAT WORRIES ME, JASON,

IT'S YOUR LACK OF SPIRIT. YOU NEED TO WORK.

I'M NOT A CHARITY CASE.

I NEVER SAID YOU WERE.

NO, YOU SAID A LOT MORE.

NOW LET ME SAY A FEW THINGS.

I WAS WRITING PLAYS WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGE TICKET-TAKER,

AND I SUSPECT I'LL BE WRITING THEM

LONG AFTER YOU'RE A PLUMP MATRON

DELIVERING FUNNY SPEECHES ABOUT YOUR SEPTIC TANK

TO THE PTA.

WAIT A MINUTE! I'M NOT THROUGH YET!

I KNOW IT. YOU HAVEN'T COME UP WITH A GOOD EXIT LINE.

NEXT YOUR CONCERN OVER MY ALLEGED LACK OF EMOTION--

HOW CAN YOU PRESUME TO KNOW WHAT I FEEL!

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU LEFT

I WASN'T QUITE BRUISED?!

OF COURSE, I WAS REMEMBERING A WARM,

VULNERABLE, COMPASSIONATE, UNIQUE GIRL

WHO USED TO BLUSH!

NOT THE WOMAN YOU'VE BECOME.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BECOME?

YOU'VE BECOME... CRISP.

ONE OF THOSE CONFIDENT, CRISP, FASHION PLATE WOMEN

WHO THINK THEY KNOW THE SECRET OF THE WORLD.

AND I WOULDN'T WORK WITH YOU

IF YOU WERE A COMBINATION

OF MOLlèRE AND MARY TYLER MOORE!

WHAT IS IT?

- CALL AN AMBULANCE, PLEASE. - NO, HE'S ALL RIGHT

OH, NOT DURING LUNCH.

JUDY, SIT DOWN.

LOOK, JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,

WE'RE KEEPING HIM IN INTENSIVE CARE,

BUT HE'S GONNA BE OKAY. IT WAS A MILD ATTACK.

REALLY? OH.

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS. ISN'T IT, LEO?

I MEAN, THAT'S JUST EXCELLENT.

I MEAN, WHEN HE HAD THE ATTACK IN THE RESTAURANT...

I WAS SURE...

I WAS...

YOUR MAIL.

MMM. YOU CAN READ IT TO ME LATER, PHOEBE.

JASON, I'M NOT ANNIE SULLIVAN.

WHAT ARE THOSE?

TELEPHONE MESSAGES. I FEEL LIKE A BOOKIE.

WHY HAS THE PHONE STOPPED RINGING?

WELL, I LEFT A BULLETIN ON YOUR MESSAGE SERVICE

THAT YOU DIED.

I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT SLOW 'EM DOWN A LITTLE.

Hi.

SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND?

YEAH.

BREAKFAST.

YOU'RE WAITING FOR ME TO MAKE IT?

NO, I'LL MAKE IT.

I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE NICE

TO EAT TOGETHER FOR A CHANGE.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

JUST GIVE ME ABOUT 15 MINUTES.

BETTER MAKE IT 30.

PHOEBE HAS TO SHAVE ME FIRST.

OH, UH,

LEO, WOULD YOU MIND DRAWING A BATH FOR ME?

I HAVE TO WASH THE CAR AND DO THE SILVER FIRST.

"HE HAD THE LEAN, HARD BODY

AND SUPPLE LEGS OF A TENNIS PROFESSIONAL."

SO?

SO, THAT'S MY BODY YOU'RE DESCRIBING.

OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, JASON.

I DIDN'T USE YOUR BODY.

OH, WHY NOT?

I WANTED THOSE PASSAGES TO BE EROTIC.

WELL, IT CERTAINLY SOUNDS LIKE MY BODY...

A FEW YEARS AGO.

OHH. OH, GOD, YEAH.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S BETTER.

YEAH. AH, RIGHT THERE.

AAH. OH, YEAH. GOD, IT STINGS.

IS THAT GOOD? YEAH.

AAH. OH, GOD. YEAH.

OHH, THAT'S GREAT. THANK YOU.

WELL, THERE ARE PROBLEMS.

I KNOW.

WHY DOES THE GIRL

STAY IN LOVE WITH HIM ALL THOSE YEARS?

WELL, I COULD GIVE YOU A FEW POINTERS ON THAT.

HE'S WITTY, SUCCESSFUL, CHARMING, AND NEVER BORING,

AT LEAST NOT TO HER.

WHAT ABOUT THE AUDIENCE?

HE MAY COME OFF AS ARROGANT, COLD, AND HEARTLESS.

I MEAN, FOR HIM TO BE SYMPATHETIC,

THEY HAVE TO KNOW HOW HE FEELS ABOUT THE GIRL.

AFTER ALL, HE, UM...

HE NEVER SEEMED TO RETURN HER FEELINGS.

IT WASN'T THAT SIMPLE.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

SUPPOSING HE'S A MAN WHO BELIEVES IN TRADITION,

INCLUDING THE TRADITION OF MARRIAGE.

AS SOON AS HE MARRIES,

HE REALIZES HE'S MADE A MISTAKE.

BUT, AS HE'S AN HONORABLE MAN,

HE LIVES WITH HIS MISTAKE.

A VICTIM OF BAD TIMING.

HE MAKES THE BEST OF HIS SITUATION.

YOU MEAN, HE WANTS IT BOTH WAYS.

LISTEN, IT WASN'T EASY FOR ME--HIM.

SELFISH? YEAH, BUT ISN'T THAT HUMAN?

NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

IF HE REALLY LOVED THE GIRL, WHY DIDN'T HE TELL HER?

ALL RIGHT. MAYBE HE'S A MAN

WHO HAS TROUBLE SHOWING HIS EMOTIONS.

WHO... LIKES HIS LIFE,

ESPECIALLY HIS EMOTIONAL LIFE,

TO BE AS TIDY AS POSSIBLE.

NOT AN ADMIRABLE QUALITY...

...NOT SOMETHING HE ADMIRES IN HIMSELF,

BUT INGRAINED IN HIS CHARACTER.

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT, PHOEBE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING SKULKING BACK THERE?

I'M SORRY TO HAVE INTERRUPTED YOU.

WELL, YOU HAVEN'T.

YOU DON'T WANNA WORK ANYMORE, DO YOU?

NO, I THINK WE SHOULD CALL IT A DAY.

I FEEL WE ACCOMPLISHED A GREAT DEAL, DON'T YOU?

WHAT?

FOR THE PAST FEW MINUTES I'VE BEEN STANDING HERE

WATCHING MY WIFE AND ANOTHER MAN MENTALLY COPULATE.

I FEEL LIKE A VOYEUR.

LEO, YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.

OH, I AM, HUH?

I'VE BEEN THINKING--

I GET THE FEELING I'VE WALKED INTO

THE MIDDLE OF A FAMILY SQUABBLE.

OH, NO, NOT AT-- NO, NO.

YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU HAVE.

WELL, DON'T LET ME INTERRUPT YOU.

I'LL JUST SIT QUIETLY OVER HERE

AND READ PHOEBE'S FILTHY BOOK.

OH.

I THINK THAT WE SHOULD DISCUSS THIS LATER.

NO.

NO, I THINK WE'RE FINISHED.

I'VE DECIDED TO FLY DOWN TO WASHINGTON

TO DO SOME RESEARCH.

HOW LONG WILL YOU BE GONE?

I'LL BE IN WASHINGTON ABOUT THREE DAYS...

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I'LL BE GONE.

I THINK THIS IS THE TIME FOR ME TO MAKE A GRACEFUL EXIT.

NO, JASON...

IT'S MINE.

JASON, SIT DOWN.

I THINK YOU SHOULD BOTH HEAR WHY I'M LEAVING.

OH, I'D REALLY RATHER NOT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

JASON, JUST SIT DOWN, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

NOW, I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU TWO,

AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE YOU KNOW, EITHER.

I LOVE YOU, PHOEBE. I PROBABLY ALWAYS WILL.

BUT I WANT MY MARRIAGE TO BE A BLUE-RIBBON AFFAIR.

AND THAT'S ABOUT IT.

UH...

I WISH YOU HAPPINESS... ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

AND I'D LIKE TO SAY YOU DESERVE EACH OTHER...

BUT I'M REALLY NOT SURE YOU DO.

I MISSED THE MOMENT AGAIN, DIDN'T I?

YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT MY LACKING SPONTANEITY.

ONE PART OF ME STANDING BACK ALWAYS...

THINKING OF THE EFFECTIVE GESTURE.

AND I DID IT AGAIN.

WELL, I...

DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE RIGHT MOMENT OR NOT, BUT...

HOW DID YOU SLEEP?

FINE. THANKS. HOW ABOUT YOU?

VERY WELL. THANK YOU.

GOOD.

WELL...

I'LL GO MAKE SOME COFFEE.

OH, GREAT.

OH, GOD.

THAT WAS THE MOST HUMILIATING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.

OH, GOD!

IT WAS ABSOLUTELY, UTTERLY HORRENDOUS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW--

I REALLY WISH YOU WOULDN'T KEEP DOING THAT.

JASON, I THINK WE SHOULD DISCUSS IT OPENLY AND FRANKLY.

WHAT?

OUR, YOU KNOW, PROBLEM.

WELL, THAT'S CERTAINLY BEING FRANK.

ALL RIGHT, DARLING, I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE AN ORGASM.

AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD

BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ONE EITHER.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S TRY AND PUT IT INTO PERSPECTIVE.

ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN, WOULD YOU SAY WE WERE A FIVE?

I CAN SEE WHY YOU WERE SO POPULAR AS A TEACHER--

YOU'RE AN EASY GRADER.

IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

ALL THOSE YEARS OF PENT-UP PASSION,

AND IT DIDN'T END WITH A BANG, BUT A WHIMPER.

AND NOT MUCH OF THAT.

WE'RE ABOUT NINE YEARS OUT OF SYNC.

OUR TIMING'S THAT BAD?

WE SHOULD'VE BECOME LOVERS WHEN WE MET,

BUT WE DIDN'T.

INSTEAD WE BECAME FRIENDS.

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE

TO HAVE A GOOD SEX LIFE WITH A FRIEND?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE THE FIRST FRIEND I'VE BEEN TO BED WITH.

WHAT ABOUT THE LAST SCENE?

THIS IS IT.

I--I CAN HANDLE IT.

SO MUCH FOR HAPPY ENDINGS.

PHOEBE...

I LOVE YOU, PHOEBE. I ALWAYS HAVE.

AND WHEN YOU CAME BACK

AND IT SEEMED THAT YOU DIDN'T...

FEEL THE SAME WAY TOWARDS ME...

I STILL LOVED YOU.

I SUPPOSE THAT WAS THE CLINCHER.

I'M A VERY SELFISH MAN, AND THE FACT THAT I...

COULD LOVE SOMEONE WITHOUT GETTING ANYTHING IN RETURN

THAT... THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

THEN WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING

AND EVERYTHING HAD NOT BEEN WHAT WE'D BOTH WANTED,

YOU WERE STILL MY BEST FRIEND.

I FIND THAT EXTRAORDINARY.

SO DO I.

"HE PICKS UP HIS GLASS...

"TAKES A SIP OF THE DRINK.

"HE PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, LOOKS AT THE TYPEWRITER,

"PUTS THE GLASS DOWN,

"THEN MOVES TO THE CHAIR AND SITS,

"TURNS ON THE TYPEWRITER.

"HE INSERTS NEW PAPER,

"LOOKS AT BLANK PAGE FOR A MOMENT,

"AND THEN, AS HE STARTS TO TYPE,

THE CURTAIN SLOWLY FALLS."

OKAY. VERY GOOD.

UH, LET'S TAKE AN HOUR BREAK FOR LUNCH,

AND THEN THIS AFTERNOON WE'LL PUT FIRST ACT TOGETHER.

OKAY. SEE YOU.

OKAY. BYE.

BYE.

HEY, YOU WANNA JOIN US FOR COFFEE? COME ON.

SEE YOU IN AN HOUR.

JASON, THE ENDING STILL DOESN'T WORK.

THAT'S WHY YOU CAME BACK?

NO.

WHERE ELSE WOULD I FIND SOMEONE

AS HOPELESSLY OUTDATED AS MYSELF?

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THOSE TWO CHARACTERS?

UM...

GIVEN THE BASIC TALENT THAT I-I'M SURE THEY BOTH HAVE,

UM...

SEX CAN BE LEARNED.

I MEAN...

YOU WEREN'T A VERY GOOD WRITER

WHEN YOU CAME TO ME,

BUT AFTER A LITTLE INSTRUCTION,

LOOK--LOOK HOW YOU TURNED OUT.

OH.

COME HERE, PHOEBE.

GOD. SORRY.

SORRY, IT WON'T WORK WITH YOUR ELBOW...

ON MY HIP BONE. OH.

WELL, YOU HAVE TO MOVE YOUR LEG.

I CAN'T YOUR LEG'S ON THEM.

OH. THEY'RE STUCK.

WELL...

WAIT A MINUTE. CAN YOU MOVE... AAH.

CAN YOU MOVE OVER JUST--

JASON.

WHAT?

STOP TALKING AND COLLABORATE.