All language subtitles for Peep.show.S06E04.HAGGiS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

# I'm not sick but I'm not well

# And I'm so hot

# Cos I'm in hell. #

Yeah, I'm walking and reading,
sweetheart.

- You got a problem with that?
- (LAUGHING)

Urghl Great(l) Elena. If she sees me,
we'll have to do small talk.

Could recycle my "nice weather" material

from Mr Patel's,
but it doesn't really have a sign-off.

Can't wait to get my hands on you either,
you sexy little minx.

Urgh... nol I can't listen
to her sex chat with Jeremy.

- (RINGING)
- Jeremy!

- Oh, God.
- I love you too, honey.

Hi, Jeremy?

Yes, I got Rizla papers. Normal.

I refuse to buy "king skins".

It's like asking to buy
a hypodermic needle.

No, I did not get the "lube".

See you in a minute.

Uh, something's just come up.
Yeah, I'll see you at the airport.

I should explain...

Really, there's no need.

Please don't pull me
into your emotional fuck-piel

That was my long-term partner,
who's been away. So...

I'm going to tell Jez!

Right.

Although maybe I shouldn't.

Isn't there a saying, "Whatever
you don't know makes you stronger"?

- No.
- You're probably right.

Although... maybe you should tell him.

It might be nicer coming from you.

Nicer for who? For you?

Great. I'm the Man Who Knew Too Much.
Thanks, ears(l)

So, you'll buy tissue paper
for me to physically wipe my sphincter,

but you won't buy a bit of lube

to ease the giving and receiving
of pleasure?

Uh-huh. That's right.
Should I tell him?

Really don't want to.

Is that because I don't want to see
a friend hurt, or can't be arsed

with the massive hassle?

So, Johnson's invited me round
to his new place.

Not sure why. Could be anything.

Business? Pleasure? He probably
just wants to shoot the shit.

He won't want to shoot the shit.

He's probably got loads of arsehole mates
that he goes white-water rafting

and shooting the shit
and killing strippers with the whole time.

What's... this?

It's Elena's birthday present -
a bust of her head! It's not finished.

- What? Do you think it's weird?
- No. A thousand times, no.

I've got loads of other presents,
this is just the topper.

So... everything going good,
with Elena, do you feel?

Amazing!

It's impossible to say just how great
she is just using stupid words.

Maybe one day you'll fall in love
and then you'll understand.

Uh-huh, maybe.
Could wipe that patronising smile

off his face with the truthl

No. Be like picking off
innocent bystanders with a sniper rifle.

Fun at first, but it would
quickly become a depressing chore.

My God,
is this Johnson's recession residence?

Not much to look at, but then
apparently Sugar actually operates

out of a refurbed Autofix garage.

Mark! Hello.

- Hi, Alan.
- Don't come in.

Oh? No?

- One question.
- Yes?

Do you want to make
shedloads of freaking money?

Um... yes.

Then come in!

He's taken a shine to mel
He's singled me outl

Here's my pitch.
New management consultancy.

You and me.

I'm the face, you're the... tendons
and grisly shit under the surface.

Whaddya say?

Oh, my God.

I don't know! Really?

Look at you! You're like the fat girl

who's just been asked
to the school disco!

Well, yeah...
My only hesitation is

that I don't have any actual experience
of management consulting...

In. Fire 30% of the workforce.

New logo. Boom! Out!

You are now a fully trained
management consultant.

(LAUGHS) Great!

Follow me.

Finallyl I'm being groomedl

Up the pink-carpeted stairway
to business abuse.

Welcome to the nerve centre.

OK.

Well, there's no point in maxing out
on overheads

until the clients come flooding in, right?

Right. Smart. Very smart.

First things first -
let's hook up the printer.

Urgh. Alan's pyjamas.

Probably still warm. Under the duvet.

No-one should see under the duvet.

Good old Vista. People give it
a bad press, but I'm never upgrading!

Why would I? It just feels
like a good pair of jeans.

You fancy making us some builder's tea?

Wow. Amazingl
I'm working with Johnsonl OK!

I've grasped
the talcum powder of powerl

Could slip it into my pocket
as a memento. Hi, Suze.

Mark. Tea's there.

Will you tell him his phone's charged?

Er, right. Sure.

Suze, where's the big scissors?

Have you moved the big scissors?!

Tell him they're in the clingfilm drawer.

Right, I've got to go out - audition.

Oh, brilliant, what is it?

It's a stage version
of that movie Crash.

You know, the one where
all the different races are all the same

but they're all a bit different,
and it's all fine.

The blackies and the whities, etc.

That's an interesting message.

It is, actually. I'm playing a whitie,
as you can imagine!

- Right! Typecast again(!)
- Exactly!

Builder's tea.
I suppose that's middle-class slang.

We don't coin much slang
in the middle classes.

"Pants". "Mare". "Ooh, I'm having a mare,
this builder's tea came out pants. "

Right.
Suze says your phone's charged.

Did you make the bed?

- Er... no.
- You're not my wife, Mark.

I had a wife. I don't need
another bullet in the head.

OK, righty, righty.

I made his bed and got his tea.
I am his wife.

First things first - funding.

I reckon we need
to each put in a two-er. Good?

Oh, right? 2,000?

Two million? £2?

Equal partners. 2K.
Straight down the middle.

Lamps and JT. Working together in
perfect harmony. What do you reckon?

I suppose... if I got an equity release
on the flat, then... Yes!

Great. Gotta be cash, yeah?

- Cash?
- When the banks collapse,

the stud holding cash is gonna get a lot
of blow jobs, know what I mean?

Er, OK... fine. Oh, my Godl

I'm bumping fistsl
I'm in bed with Johnsonl

Oh, for freak's sake!

Are you going to need to print
anything today, Mark?

Er, I don't know.

No. I should be fine.

That was the correct answer.

Hello!

Oh, hello. You OK here?

Great. Join us.
Tell us about your day, dude.

Got to get out of the killing field.

Oh, fine. The meeting with Johnson

was just about starting up
a management consultancy,

so I'm definitely
going to do that. See you in a bit.

Oh, my God! That's so exciting!
Tell us all about it!

Yeah... I should probably
leave you two alone to talk about

whatever important subject
you were talking about.

Oh, we were just chatting about
having a mini-break in Crete.

Maybe. Maybe having a mini-break.

There's no war or bomb shit
in Crete, is there?

No, I don't think so.

Cool. I'll get some voddy.

He's excitedl He's checking out
the sumptuous menu options

on the SS Titanic.
So I take it you haven't told him?

Well, I was going to. But then I was like,

"Maybe wait until he's not holding
a big kitchen knife."

- You have to tell him.
- Tell him what?

- Nothing.
- What's up? What's going on?

Oh, God.

OK.

Go on. Tell him, Mark.

What? Why me? You tell him.

- Well, I don't want to tell him.
- What?

I'm not saying. I refuse.

Well, I don't want to say. I can't.

Look, what the hell is going on?

Oh, for God's sake.

Jez, Elena has a long-term, live-in lover.

You're just a fuck-job on the side.

What?! Elena?

That was pretty brutal, Mark.

I'm sorry, Jez.

You're much more than a fuck-job.

How long have you known?

I heard them talking on the phone
a couple of days ago.

You've known for two whole days?
That's sick.

Look, I'm not the guilty person here,
Jeremy!

You're shooting the messenger.

Shoot each other!

JEREMY: What a bastard. Destroys my
perfect love just cos it's built on lies.

So this thing, is it serious?

It's complicated.

Oh, right.

Is he dying?

Is it a poet in a diving bell?

Is it really sad and weird
but soon he'll be gone?

No. We've been together
for a number of years

and we are committed and in love.

Oh, shit.

I'm so sorry, Jez.

I just thought you and me would be
one night of fun, and then I got

sucked in, and we got serious,
and Gail was away travelling...

Gail? As in... a woman?

This love rival is a chick?

Yeah.

Are you disgusted?

Is that a problem for you?

MARK: £2,000. Oh, God.

The Halifax Top Savers Account
is finally dry.

The last of the Corrigan millions.

Mark, you dick!

You've got it all wrong, again!

Hello? What?

Everything's going to be fine!
The other guy is a woman!

They're both two women!

So it doesn't bother you, her being
in a relationship with someone else?

Well, a bit, but basically, not really.

I mean, me and this Gail,
we're just eating

from different sides of the plate.
I play woodwind, she's on brass!

Elena's betrayed you. How does it make
a difference that it's with a woman?

Because it's hot!

Even a dried-up, desiccated
old Bran Flake on toast like you

should be able to see that.

MARK: If I'm a Bran Flake,
he's a slutty Sugar Puff.

Urgh. Can't really take more than
one lengthy toilet break per morning.

The downtime here is nonexistent.

- Anything?
- I'm sorry?

In the loo. How did it go?

You want to know if I?

Ideas, leads, pitches?
Did you not come up with anything?

I was on the loo, Alan.

Oh! Can you two keep it down a bit?

Listen, I've ordered up
1,000 business cards.

I hope you don't mind,
but I had to make a call on the name.

Oh, fine. I liked them both.

Which did you go for?
Consultio or Consultius?

Consultio / Consultius.

- How do you mean?
- Oh, for God's sake!

I wonder if Mrs Sugar's allowed
to sleep in the boardroom.

The name is Consultio / Consultius.
Got both bases covered.

I've got our cover letter
ready to print up.

Right, and as of now, Alan, how many
solid contracts or leads do we have?

That's for me to know
and you to find out!

Print, you damnable fudger!

Maybe there's a connection problem.

- Alan, the printer's not connected.
- No, it's wireless.

It's not wireless.
It doesn't say "wireless".

It needs wires. Shall I say,
or live in his dream world?

Screw it. Sort it later.
Stick it on the laterbase.

Good. I'm sure it'll work... later...

(RINGING)

Hello?

Mark, tell him I'm going out.

- Where?
- Anywhere. Milk.

...Scotch Tape it, buddy.
Where'd Suze go?

Er... to get milk.

But we already have milk.

I don't think it's really about the milk.

Well, what is it about, Mark,
if you're the big expert?

I know she's seeing someone.

Is it that guy from the SMEG oven shop
or the monk she's e-mailing?

I... don't know.

Oh, you don't know?

Then maybe you should keep
your trap shut.

Did that occur to you?

So when are your 2,000 notes
gonna make their appearance?

Oh, yeah, right, soon.
Don't tell him it's in my pocket.

Tell him it's not in my pocket.

Although I was wondering whether,
in the current climate,

it'll be possible to recoup
such a big investment in terms of...

Relax, Mark. You've seen this
from the Sales Direct guys?

They say they look forward
to hearing from us in the future.

They "look forward to it".

Now, what about that doesn't
spell to you serious interest?

Right.
Just keep nodding and smiling.

Nodding and smiling
like Colonel Gaddafi's psychoanalyst.

It's great, isn't it, having an affair?

It is exciting.

Like this morning when you called,
and I thought, "Oh, hell!"

But then I told Gail you were
someone else, and she bought it!

It was totally mad.

- (LAUGHS) Yeah. Mad, mad shit.
- (DOOR OPENS)

Oh, bollocks... Gail! Just follow my lead.

Heading for a threesomel
A sexy lesbo threesomel

Hi!

I thought you were going from the
restaurant straight to your Mensa party.

Shirt too much?

Shit, do I possibly look
a total dick here?

Who's, er?

Oh, he's just getting some dope.
Jeremy, Gail.

- Hi, how are you doing?
- Good. Just another local pothead.

That's me! I live upstairs.
Buy the pot here, take it there.

That's my system.
If you can call it a system.

Cool.

(WHISPERS) You should go.

She'll sniff us out.
She's in Mensa, she is a genius.

OK, well, see you around, neighbour!

Not so clever now I'm humping
your girlfriend, are you?

You might be a big Mensan, but you
haven't figured that one out, eh?

Bye!

It's perfect. Happy birthday, Elena.

Where's real Elena? Aren't you
cooking her a birthday breakfast?

She texted to say she couldn't make it.

Gail took the morning off work
and surprised her.

- Oh, right. How's the affair going?
- Good. Yeah, it's hot.

We were going to watch
The Wrestler last night,

but she'd already seen it with Gail,
so we watched Grand Designs.

And then Gail came home and so
I had to leave. But yeah, pretty hot.

Right. Great.

Tell you what,
shall I make us both some pancakes?

Actually, man, that would be really nice.

(MOBILE BEEPING)

Urgh. Big Suze.

She keeps leaving
these endless messages

about how pissed off
she is with Johnson

and how he goes around
writing his name

on all the fruit and if she accidentally
eats a Johnson orange,

he totally loses it.

- How's it going with Consultiarium?
- Brilliant.

Yeah. Great. And one good thing is
I'm worrying

quite a lot of the time whether
Johnson isn't totally losing his nut.

Really?

Yeah. I look at him sometimes now
and think, "Has Daddy's hat fallen off?"

"Daddy's hat"?

Yes, has Daddy's hat fallen off
and he's just standing there, naked?

I don't know.

- He'll probably be fine.
- (BEEPING)

Er, Mark,
maybe scratch the pancakes.

Gail's gone out to Pilates,
I've got a window.

- You've been summoned.
- Exactly.

Back to the coalface.

Right, OK, keys, condoms, present.

OK, off to my affair. See you later.

MARK: "Show me the money, Mark."

What am I going to do?
Is it going to be OK?

It doesn't feel OK. He seems mental.

And that's the front room, naturally.

Jez, why are they?

Relax. It's just a couple of neighbours
come down to have

a chat about you getting
a job in a Mexican restaurant.

What? No. No, Jeremy.

Gail walked in out of the blue again.
And I thought,

wouldn't it be great if you were
to track her movements for me?

What?!

So you're the guy who wants
to work in a Mexican restaurant?

- Er...
- Yup. Yes, he is. Sign him up!

Right, booze. Oh, I don't believe it,
I've forgotten to get booze!

- I'm not a big drinker, anyway, so...
- Nonsense. I'll pop to the offy.

And, Elena, you wanted me
to remind you about the thing.

The thing?

Oh, Elena! Remember?
You said, "My car's on pay and display,

"please remind me!"
So I'm just reminding you.

Oh, yeah, right.

I'll walk you down!

You two'll get along great.
Gail's a genius.

I'm not a genius. I just have
a very high IQ. I'm a Mensan.

It means she's very perceptive.
She spots things that other people miss.

She's very highly attuned.

MARK: Great.
I'm the fuck-pie's pastry crust.

I'm holding
all the disgusting ingredients together.

There's always room at Banditos
for an English-speaking gunslinger.

I'm not sure I need to sink
to washing up just yet!

It's £100 a shift with tips.
You could try a shift and see.

Oh? Maybe I could juggle itl

Johnson by day, Bandito by night.

Rich Mark could give to Poor Mark.

I could be the Zorro of myselfl
That could be interesting.

The timing's quite good, actually,
because I've got

- a couple of staff who are moving on.
- (BEEPING)

"Me N E goin bed at herzl

"Kp Gail swet. Thnx, Jez."

- Oh, Godl
- Great, call me at the restaurant.

Will you tell E
I've grabbed an early one?

Don't go. Stay.

- Why?
- Why?

Why. "Why?" she asks.

Yes, why? Because I've got
one or two questions.

For instance, delineate for me,
if you can,

the main points of difference between
the burrito and the enchilada.

There's a video, Mark. I'm going to go.

No, I really,
really want you to stay.

I'm in a relationship, Mark.

Oh, no, God, I didn't mean...

And it's a same-sex relationship.

No, I'm sorry, I...

And I don't find you attractive,
even speaking objectively.

Great. The big triple. Uninterested,
unavailable and physically repulsed.

Come on! We've got a window!

I'm just not in the mood, Jeremy.

Oh! Do you think I was
in the mood this morning?

Of course I wasn't,
but I didn't let that stop me, did I?

We need to be more careful.

Gail's in Mensa, for God's sake.

She reads books for fun!

We should go back. You go first,
I'll leave it five minutes.

Fine.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Hello! I'm back!

And I got the booze.

Rum?

Yeah, yeah, I got some rum.
Everyone likes rum, don't they?

And I have to admit,
I had a little bit on the way back.

You drank half a bottle of rum
on your way back from the shop?

You know how it is
when you can't wait a second to get

a hit of that neat, sweet rum.

MARK: Maybe I dodged a bullet with Alan.

I can take my two grand
and head to the hills with the Banditosl

All set? Got your swipe fob?

- Check!
- Remember the opener?

"Hey, can I get some nachos or
margaritas to kick you hombres off?"

Great! Now get out there
and work that tush.

Tits and teeth,
Mark, tits and teeth!

Oh, God, this is terrifying.

Just me and the public and some
laminated menus for protection.

OK, here goesl

Hi, guys, party of four?
Let me show you to a table.

I'll grab you some menus,
but first can I get some nachos,

margaritas or something soft for the
little guys, to kick you hombres off?

I improvisedl I'm the Miles Davis
of Mexican restaurant waiting staffl

Just some menus
and a jug of tap water, please.

Uh-ohl Skinflint alert.
Urghl What have I become?

It's his legal right, by Godl

Mark?

Hello? Alan?
Oh, fuck. Oh, no.

- You got the message, then.
- Message?

- About meeting here. You clearly got it.
- Er... yeah.

I was worried.

But hey, you're here.

This is Colin and Naz from Sales Direct.

Hi, there.
Shitl Daddy's hat is back onl

This is my business partner.

- My wing man.
- Mark Corrigan.

- Mark?
- Oh, not nowl

Table four?

Sure thing.

- What was that?
- Nothing.

Are you working here?

Yes. Of course. I've mentioned that,

- I'm sure. So, you're all set for menus.
- No, you definitely didn't mention

that you'd started working
in a Mexican restaurant.

It's just part-time.
I'm still your wing man, Alan.

Great to meet you guys.

What area are you interested in us
taking a look at for you fellas?

Table four, Mark.

- I ought to be going.
- Cool. Cool.

I'm just settling these guys in.

Can I get you hombres some nachos
or margaritas to kick off with?

Well, we're grateful
you've done all this upfront.

Don't thank me,
thank the Microsoft Office family.

PowerPoint, Excel and Word -
the three amigos.

So, what's your MO?

- Well...
- Can we get some menus, please?

Hold that thought, Colin,
hold that thought a second.

Just got to cold-shoulder
the shit-munchers

before I service the big swinging dicks.

- Can we order some drinks?
- Nope.

OK! Right, let's get into this mother.

We're going to have
the early bird menu, please.

No, you're not, it's 8.03.

OK, Mark, look.
Working with Colin and Naz here,

I think what we need
is two executive teams...

Uh-huh. OK, smart, super smart.

I'll do the consulting,
the number crunching,

meta-analysis and business plan,

while you cover the fucking off and
getting us an ice-cold pitcher of Bud.

OK? See you around.
So, fellas, let's get into this now.

Heading for a bedding.

Oh, no. I thought tonight,
let's not do it on the bed.

Let's do it on the floor.

- Sexy.
- Yeah.

Also I don't want the sheets
to smell of you.

Uh-huh. Right.

Well, I'm just afraid that Gail suspects
something. She's so clever.

The other day she found that sock
and she was like, "What's this?"

- What did you say?
- I said I didn't know.

Nice.

Elena, what would you do
if she did find out about me?

Who would you choose?

Obviously I'd choose you.

(DOOR SLAMS)

- Hey, honey!
- Shit!

- I'm home!
- It's Gail.

- You'd better hide!
- But you're choosing me?

Sure, sure. Maybe later.

Great. Mr Chosen, on the balcony,
in his pants.

Look, I do have limits, you know?

I have self-respect. I might jump!

Come on, Jeremy,
we both know you're not going to jump.

Maybe I will jumpl That'd show herl

Quite high.
Obviously I'm not going to jump.

MARK: Yeah. Pretty good first shift.

Sacked by Johnson from my dream job,
but on the plus side,

learnt how to professionally present
a key lime pie.

(THUMPING)

What...? Is this some new... thing?

Harassment by flailing washing?

Am I being mocked?

OK, face my persecutors.

- Jeremy?
- Mark!

- Bet he's naked.
- Mark!

Of course.
Jeremy, what was the... thing?

It's some shirts with a tennis ball
tied in the end. Good, isn't it?

Er...

Look, I'm freezing.
Can you throw me a rope?

- I haven't got a rope.
- You haven't got a rope?

I don't own a rope.
I don't own a boat or any cattle

or any of the things
that ropes are useful for.

What the hell would you do
with a rope anyway?

Climb up it.

Oh, sure.
Climb up it using your "strength".

- You could pull me up.
- Yeah, I could haul you up

using my "muscles".

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Shit, who's that?

- Suze. What?
- Hi, Mark.

Oh, God, I am in such a mess about Alan!

I don't even know who I am any more.

I can give you a tip.
Two words - mental posho.

Is Jez in?

Sort of... But not really.

He's always been so sweet and
understanding about my problems.

You might find that's changed a bit

since he stopped wanting
to have sex with you.

Where is he?

OK, Jez, she's asleep.

You can come through, but crawl.

Crawl? Right.

Then, if she does wake up,
I'll just say you're a pervert

or a dope thief or a sex attacker.

Right! Great.

I'm golden.

This is good.
It's sexy, romantic, daring.

I'm like a modern-day Casanova.
Raffles, the gentleman perv.

No clothes.

- Ssh!
- Raffles doesn't deserve clothes.

Oh! He... He was down there.

But he's gone.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- All right, Jez, I'm coming!

Alan?

That was some dumb shit
you pulled tonight.

Er, yeah, yeah, I know.

But the good news is I nailed
the contract. Consultio is go.

Wow, that's brilliant.

Yeah, but here's the thing.
I've had a think. It's a biggie, Mark.

But I need manpower.

I need capital. I need you.
Are you still in?

Of course I'm still in!

But I can trust you? Will you put
your money where your mouth is?

Of course you can trust me.

All the crazy shit we've pulled
over the years - JLB, Kettering,

the marketing/sales shitstorm -
we're always there for each other, right?

Alan?! You followed me?

Suze?

Oh, I see.

Jeremy.

Got sick of the real world,
want the soft play area?

Why didn't you tell me, Mark?

- No, Alan, it's not...
- Some wing man you are.

But, Alan... Don't go!

Johnson?

Alan, no! He doesn't deserve that!

He got it for the wrong reasons,

but overall, probably fair do's.

# I'm not sick

# But I'm not well

# And I'm so hot

# Cos I'm in hell. #