All language subtitles for The Vicar of Dibley (1994) - S00E21 - In Lockdown꞉ Compilation (720p iPlayer x265 Ghost).srt - eng(2)

# The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want

# He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures

# He leadeth me

# Beside the still waters. #

Is this working, even?

Oh, yes, yes, we're on.

Greetings, fine folk of Dibley,

it's Geraldine here.

Your buxom Vicarette.

So, as we enter
the fourth week of lockdown,

I know many of you
are becoming anxious.

So, let me begin by saying...

...this is the end of the world.

I can absolutely promise you that...

...you are going to inevitably

catch this terrible virus and die.

There. I hope that's
put your minds at rest.

Now, before I get to the religious
bit, a few parish notices.

First, a message for darling
Jim Trott,

and I do hope you get this, Jim.

When you see these signs...

..."M" means metres, not miles.

I know you've now been hiding
in the woods for a fortnight, Jim,

but please do come home NOW.

And, er... Oh, and here's another
thing that's just come in from, um,

well, it's from Owen Newitt.

"Dear Geraldine, am I right in
thinking that human beings need only

"keep their social distance
from other humans and that the rule

"does not apply to a human
and a young, seductive,

"frisky goat, for example?"

Actually, I'll...
I'll deal with that one later.

Me and the police.

So, moving on, these are
very strange times, aren't they?

But for some of us, it's been
a chance to read THAT book

we've always been meaning to read.

Only joking.

I've read it, of course.
Well, bits of it anyway.

Mainly the saucy bits, obviously.

And the message of Easter is that
things can get very bad indeed.

Crucifixion - very bad.

But like Jesus, we will rise from it
stronger than ever...

..and our village is really rallying
together, so if you hear people

have run out of things,
please feel free to leave them

outside their door.

I, for instance, have completely
run out of Easter eggs, so...

And the more you read
the New Testament,

the more one simple message
comes through.

We all must be gentle...

...and kind.

Go away, Frank!

You incredibly annoying old git.

God!

For, as Jesus says
in the Beatitudes,

"Blessed are the peacemakers."

And finally, little hint,
do try to stay healthy, won't you?

I mean, I like to exercise to music

because I find it makes
the time rush by quicker,

and this is actually
my favourite piece.

And relax.

There. It's exhausting,
but thoroughly worthwhile.

And so, I bid you farewell.
Stay safe.

Eat masses of Mars bars,
and, um, bless you all for watching.

How do you turn it off?

I know, I know.

It's a hair disaster.

Top tip, never ask Owen Newitt
to cut your hair.

He's used to shearing sheep,

and even they aren't happy
with the service provided.

Now, erm, something
very special this week.

Today, I'm going to do a Zoom call
with the delightful Mrs. Uddin,

and some of the children
in the village

as they're all Zooming into class
at the moment.

So, erm, let's hope this works.

Um...

Abracadabra!

Hello, children.

I'm your local vicar, and I'm here
to answer any questions you've got

about God, and Jesus,
and all that sort of stuff.

Hello, Vicar.

The children were saying
how much they're missing church.

Oh, that's lovely.

Liar.

OK, so who'd like to get us started?

Yes, Molly.

My mummy says Jesus is the best.

Hurrah! But my daddy
says Dynamo is better

because he walked down the side
of a building and Jesus never did.

Ah. But Jesus did
lots of other amazing things.

So, who can tell me one of
the amazing things Jesus did?

Did he saw a woman in half?

No. Penn & Teller
sawed a woman in half.

Now, I'm sure... I'm sure they did.

So did Leatherface
in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

He sawed LOADS of women in half.

Er... yes. I'm sorry,

I don't quite know
how we've got from Jesus

to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I know! I know!

Did he turn water into wine?

He did! Yes! Well done.

And he also fed 5,000 people

with just five loaves
and two fishes.

I've been to a restaurant like that.

Yes...

But the most amazing thing Jesus did

was he actually brought someone,

a man called Lazarus,
back from the dead.

Just the one?

Well, yes.

I mean, how many do you need?

He brought a bloke back to life.
It's a miracle.

If I found I could bring someone
back from the dead,

I'll do it all the time,
not just once.

- Um... - So would I. - So would I.
- Me too.

So, why didn't he?

Well... the simple answer to that
is because...

Oh, dear.

It looks like her screen's frozen.

No, it hasn't!

I can see her moving.

No, you can't.

There. She blinked.

I did not blink, I...

Kids. Don't you love 'em?

Grrr!

And that leads me to
my message of the week -

don't have children.

No. Only kidding.

Sort of. My real message is,
as we know from the Bible,

miracles DO happen, and we WILL
get through Covid together.

Bless you for watching,
and never forget -

your children are the most precious
thing you have.

So sell them and buy a Porsche.

Hello.

Today, I'd like to deal with

how tricky a lot of people are
finding lockdown.

I'm going to play a conversation
I had with Hugo Horton,

which illustrates a problem
many of us are facing.

Oh, good.

- Hello, Vicar.
- Hugo!

Are you hiding in the toilet?

Yes. I don't want my father listening.

Right. How can I help you?

- Er, well, it's about this lockdown business.
- Right?

You see, the thing is, Father and I
have been locked down together

for so long, he keeps forgetting
what he's told me,

so he keeps telling me things
he's told me before.

I know. You've told me this before.

For instance, the other day
we were having chicken for lunch...

Stop me if I've told you this before.
- You've told me this before.

Suddenly, he said to me,

"Stop me if I've told you this before."

Yes, you've told me this before.

Then he launched into a story
he's told me many times,

which I won't bore you with now.

- Good.
- About the time they had vegetarian lasagne

at the golf club dinner.

So, naturally, as soon as
he started, I shouted,

"For God's sake, stop.

"I never want to hear
any of your stories again."

For God's sake, stop! I never want
to hear any of your stories again!

- Yes, yes. Well, not quite as angrily as that.
- Sorry.

And then he stopped, and then after
a slightly awkward 45 minutes,

eventually I said,
"I'm sorry, Father,

"it's this bloody lockdown business.

"Actually, I love your stories."

And then he told me
his Earl's Court Motor Show story,

which is his most tedious story
of all,

which I definitely won't bore you with.
- Good.

- About the time he went to the
Motor Show in 1972 and...
- No.

And we'll leave it there.

But my message for this Sunday
is this -

times are tough,
but let's all be forgiving,

just like Jesus was
when he said to Judas,

"It doesn't matter, mate! Grr!"

And finally, a reminder to keep
washing your hands, please.

And here's...
Actually, here's a tip.

If you're getting bored singing
Happy Birthday twice through,

I've discovered that the time it
takes to wash my hands properly

is precisely the time it takes
for a Ferrero Rocher

to disintegrate on your tongue
if you don't chew,

and I'm now washing my hands
20 times a day.

So, see you next week.

I'm just going to go
and, er, "wash my hands".

OK. Right, well, this isn't great...

...because I'm a TINY bit drunk.

Note to self, do not leave recording
sermon till Saturday night

and do not think "Advocaat -
it can't be real alcohol

"because it tastes
so much like custard."

Anyway, down to business,
perhaps with...

...I'll just have
one little stiffener.

Mm, it's custard.

Firstly, massive brownie points to
all who joined the village quiz,

though I'm told
there's been some controversy

about some of the answers.

So I just want to repeat,

the German national airline
is Lufthansa...

...not the Luftwaffe.

And Jerome K. Jerome wrote
Three Men In A Boat,

not Three Men In A Baby,

thank the Lord.

But...

...be still, my beating heart...
I've totted up the totals

and the results are as follows.

With one point...

...the Maynard family.

So I declare
the Maynard family the winners!

Yay!

And they'll be receiving
a case of this wine

from Owen Newitt's vineyard.

I can heartily recommend it.

Not to drink, obvs,

but it's an amazingly
effective toilet cleaner...

...which brings me neatly to
my thought for the week.

Last September, Owen came to see me.

He said that his sister was having
a downstairs toilet put in

and she wanted
a celebrity to open it.

I said, "Well, I wouldn't call
myself a celebrity exactly."

And he said, well, nor would he,

but he'd asked Michelle Obama
and she'd said no.

And it was due to be the very next
day. So I said that I would do it,

and then I asked him where in Dibley
his sister lived and he said that

his sister didn't live in Dibley,
she'd moved to Cheltenham.

So I spent all night
writing the speech

and at 6 o'clock a.m. we set off
for Cheltenham on Owen's tractor.

And five hours later we eventually
get to Owen's sister's house

and Owen proudly says, "We've come
to open your new toilet."

And Owen's sister says,
"I don't have a new toilet.

"It's your other sister
who's got the new toilet,

"the one who lives in Dibley."

So we climb back onto the tractor,

and five hours later
we get back to Dibley

and we call on Owen's other sister
and Owen proudly says,

"We've come to open
your new toilet."

And Owen's sister says,

"That's not Michelle Obama!"
And slams the door in our face.

And then I knock on the door

and ask if I could actually use
the new toilet

because I've been
on a tractor for ten hours,

and she says, "No.
The builder hasn't finished it yet."

And I remember thinking

that THAT was the most pointless day
of my entire life.

And yet,

as we enter
the 14th week of lockdown,

I long for a day like that.

So, my message is,

when we're allowed out,

let's appreciate each God-given day,
even if it's spent

in the company of a total idiot
who smells like a wet dog

who's just had a long swim
in a septic tank.

We are so lucky to be alive.

And there's always this
to take the edge off things,

isn't there?

Mm. Lovely custard.

Meanwhile, keep doing the quizzes,
keep clapping our carers,

and yes, yes, I do know that in
the village newsletter it says

"Keep giving our carers the clap"!

Don't do that!

And, above all, keep well.

Praise the Lord
and bless you all for watching.

# The hills are alive

# With the sound of music

# With songs they have sung

# For a thousand years... #

TUNELESSLY: # Ah, ah, ah, ah. #

That last bit of singing was
actually me, not Julie Andrews.

I know! It's amazing, isn't it?
Which is exactly how I feel

about finally being allowed out.

Yes!

What a wonderful world.

And thank you, Owen Newitt,

for filming me right now. No.
Owen! Owen!

Don't do that! No, no, no.

And what a miracle it is

that at last we can walk around
our beautiful, beautiful village...

Owen. Owen!

No, don't look at that. Focus on me!

And what a joy it is

to be able to tell you that
the church is open at last!

And what a relief cos
I can finally let Mr. Timkins out.

Unfortunately he was sorting out
all the flowers in there

when Boris announced the lockdown,

so he's been trapped in there
for three and a half months.

Oops! Sorry about that.

But, you know, rules is rules.

It's been a really tricky month,
hasn't it?

The exam fiasco,

and they told us that
the process was "robust".

Now they've finally admitted it
was just "bust".

I was talking to David Horton
this morning, actually,

and he resolutely believes that

he lives in the greatest country
in the world.

But, of course,
he's moved to Monaco,

so that's not that surprising.

Oh, some very good news
is that my god-daughter

has got into Oxford.

Yay! We're so thrilled for her

because she's the first one in
that family to achieve that feat.

Although I do remember
a couple of years ago,

her lovely mum, Alice,

telling me very proudly that SHE
was the first to go to Oxford.

She went to Primark.

She had a lovely, lovely time.

So anyway, I'm going to just
sit down on this bench, here,

for a minute

because there's something
I want to talk to you about.

Ooh! Oh, this is new, isn't it?
Look at that, Owen.

"In loving memory of Valerie Price,

"Dribley Parish Council."

It's very nearly right, isn't it?

And there's something here as well.
Look at that.

"This is the bench where
Lee Brook shagged Amelia Croft."

No, no, no. Don't bother with that.
That's just rude.

OK, sit down here, sit down here.

So...

Move back a bit. That's it.

Right, down to business.

Like a lot of people
all over world,

this last week

I've been thinking about this
Black Lives Matter thing,

and the horror show that was
the murder of George Floyd.

Now, this is tricky
for us in "Dribley"

because we're not
the most diverse community,

but, you know, I don't think it
matters where you're from,

I think it matters
that you do something about it,

because Jesus would, wouldn't he?

And, erm, listen.

I'm aware that all
lives matter, obviously,

but until all lives matter the SAME,

we're doing something very wrong.

So I think we need
to focus on justice

for a huge chunk
of our countrymen and women

who seem to have
a very bad, weird deal

from the day they're born.
So, follow me.

I think that in Dibley,

perhaps we should think about

taking down some of
these old notices,

like this...

...and that!

And perhaps...

...we put up one like this instead.

OK. Friends, dear friends.

This is going to be a weird one.

It's about love,
and laughter, and loss,

because Dibley is full of such life,
but everywhere I go now,

every time I'm
standing in my kitchen,

every time I go into the vestry,

it's always little Alice Tinker
I see.

And she died three years ago
this week.

Who is the person
I've most loved in my life?

Well, I'm very fond
of my handsome husband,

but, in the end, it's got to be her.

My own darling dumb blonde.

She had one husband, six children

and three brain cells,

but so much love in her heart,

she could defrost a frozen pizza
on a winter's day.

She wasn't the brightest bulb
in the box,

but when we lost her,
all our lights went out.

I remember when it happened.

She went to the hospital
for some tests

and they came back positive...

...and she was over the moon

because she knew that being positive
in life was a very good thing.

But it wasn't good.

Cancer caught her on the hop

and knocked her down in a trice.

The first time I met Alice,

I remember thinking, "Oh, Christmas!

"What am I going to do about this?

"I'm a new vicar with a bob cut
and a magnificent bosom

"in a village that doesn't want me.

"And my vital verger
is a total numpty who can't believe

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
is not butter!"

I remember her once explaining
to me how babies are born.

What can I say?

It had to do with
a spoon and some honey

and lying on a sofa singing

"If you go down to the woods today,
you're sure of a big surprise."

It didn't, as we say these days,

exactly "follow the science".

But then, as I got to
know her better,

fear and dread turned into love.

We found a way of living together
in perfect harmony.

Her view of Christianity
was very simple.

God was a jolly nice chap,

Satan was
a very naughty boy indeed,

and the Bible was a cracking read

that went off a bit after
the lead character was crucified.

And now she's gone.

It was the dark night of my soul.

But now, three years later,

what's happened is that
those terrible last few months

have become just a small part
of her story,

and we've been able to claim back
all of the happiness

of the whole life
of the woman who was Alice Tinker.

I believe in eternal life in heaven.

But I also believe
in eternal life on Earth,

because those who die
are eternally here,

alive in our memories
and in who we are,

because of how...

...because of how they changed us.

And someone whose final request

was for her coffin
to be carried into the church

by six people dressed as Peppa Pig

will never be forgotten.

So, message for the day,

love the ones you're with,

especially in
these hardest of times,

and God bless you all.

Hello there! Exciting week!

As you know, the masks that we were
told were unnecessary and pointless

have now been declared
vital and compulsory.

So today, I have the results of

the Great Dibley Mask
Design Competition. Yes!

I'm going to try to show
as many of the entrants as I can.

First, Category One,
and I've tried them all on,

is "Misunderstandings".

This one, for instance...

...and this...

...and this.

Marvellous work, everyone,

but perhaps I didn't
make myself clear. I did.

We were really looking for
Covid masks,

not Halloween/made-by-a-serial-killer masks.

So we move on
to those that actually qualify.

This one was probably still
a little bit too weird.

It's a cabbage leaf

and reminds me too much of
my first boyfriend's complexion,

to be honest.

And this one is, well,
it is what it is.

It's an egg box.

And this one is...

...a shoe.

So, in the end, these are
our three winners, right?

In third place,
from George Strout...

...it's a pair of underpants.

Though it might have been a nice
idea to wash them first, George.

Urgh!

And from Amelia Kitteridge, this!

Nice! Very safe indeed.

And in first place...

No, no, no, no.
Whoops. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's my husband's message to me.
Sorry, sorry.

And in first place, the winner,

it's got to be this one.

It's from our local nurse,
Sarah Farrell.

And if it's good enough for the NHS,

it's certainly good enough
for the rest of us.

Without the NHS,
all of us would be losers.

And this is my message
to all of you.

Bless the NHS.

See you next week, folks.

Yes, er, hello there.

Er, oh, great to see you.

Er, my name is Hugo Horton
and the vicar has asked me

to do the sermon this week because
she and her husband, Harry,

have gone away on a last-minute
pre-lockdown pilgrimage

to Cadbury World.

Anyway, she chose me because, well,
I've got a bit of time on my hands

because my father, David Horton,
moved to Monaco in the summer

and married my new stepmother,
the Baroness.

I missed the wedding, alas,
because of the rule of six,

which they're very strict about
in Monaco -

only 600 guests allowed,

and I, er, I just missed the cut.

Er, so, yeah.

It's unlucky. Yeah.

Anyway, the vicar
said just... just talk

about what's been on your mind
during lockdown.

So that's what I'm going to do, er,
with the help of some charts.

Now, the big question is,

how many times can you say the same
word in a row and still make sense?

Now, my starting point is
a famous tongue twister.

Imagine a teacher trying to explain
the difference between "had"

and "had had".

She sets the class a test and
marks the test, and observes that,

Joanna, where John had had "had"

had had "had had"...

..."had had" had had
the teacher's approval...

Incredible. That's 11 hads in a row!

And I've been thinking about this a
lot and suddenly it occurred to me,

what if someone was saying
this tongue twister BUT

there are two versions of it?

And that this someone,
let's call them Gertrude,

is comparing the versions,

one told by Charlie,
and one told by Julia.

And in Charlie's version,
he has "had had" first

and Julia has "had" first, so,

this is what we get.

Charlie, where Julia had had
had had "had"

had had "had had" "had had" had had

had had had had "had had"
had had "had"

"had had" had had...

...had had "had had" had had "had"
"had had" had had had had

Gertrude's approval.

That's an incredible 39 "hads".

And what does this have to do
with Jesus, you ask?

Well, it's obvious, really.

When they hear it,
most people exclaim,

"Jesus! That was a waste of time."

Er, so, erm, er...

...I'll finish with a joke,

because my wife used to say...

My wife used to say, "Go on, Hoogs,

"Crimewatch isn't as funny
as it used to be.

"Tell me a joke." So, er,

I reckon we all
need cheering up now.

Here is Alice's favourite joke...

...which is pretty funny, actually.

How do you start a teddy bear race?

Ready, teddy, go!

It's hilarious.

Absolute classic.

So watch out, Michael McIntyre!

Here comes Hugo McIn... Horton!

Next week, thank God,
the vicar returns.

What can I say?

It really has been
the strangest year ever.

But always remember,

the village folk of Dibley
have been challenged before.

There WAS a time when they lived
in constant fear of being

devoured by wolves or bears,

shortly after the opening of
Owen Newitt's ill-fated safari park.

And going back further, in 1681,
the Dibley witch trials took place,

and five women were
burnt as witches.

In 1682, the second witch trial
took place

and seven women
were burnt as witches.

And in 1683, the third
witch trials took place

and they burnt all the women in the
village just to be on the safe side.

Grr!

But this has been
an especially bad year.

Yet on we go, and maybe there'll
be some changes for the good, eh?

The world is always changing.

When I first got this job,

women vicars were considered freaks

and now we're like salted caramel!
We're EVERYWHERE...

...and absolutely delicious.

And even though we've had
to cancel the Nativity play,

I'm so sorry about that,

um, I have instead written this

lovely Nativity poem for you all.

Here goes.

Mary, a sweet girl, rather shy

Was amazed when an angel dropped by

"God wants to give birth

"To his son on the Earth

"Would you like to give it a try?"

Mary said, "This is so unexpected

"And I'm thrilled
that I've been selected

"But it's bringing us down

"There's a virus in town

"And I worry we'll all get infected"

Said the angel, "Be of good heart

"You must just keep six feet apart"

But Mary replied
"The other thing is, I'm a virgin

"And if a baby's emergin'

"My boyfriend will think
I'm a tart!"

That's a classic!

And also, um, special for Christmas,

I've got a new recipe idea
for Brussels sprouts.

So, take one bowl of sprouts,
like this,

give them a little stir, like that,

and then - this is
the important part.

Pop them in the bin.

That's it.

And have another bowl of roast
potatoes instead. Much better.

Darling friends, it's an honour to
be part of your community

and during this terrible tragedy

we've all learnt two things.

We learnt that banana bread
is so disgusting!

And we've learnt that community
is what really matters.

So, we WILL prevail

and I'll be with you when we do.

I once thought
I'd leave this village

and become a bishop,

or, you know, Stormzy's wife.

But I've realised now that that's
just never going to happen.

Hm...

Mind you, Stormzy's still single.
Still a chance!

Someone once said,

"Families are a great opportunity

"to spend time with people you would
otherwise do your best to avoid."

Well, you're my family now

and you're not getting rid of me...

...ever!

Happy Christmas!

Well, Hugo,
great joy to have you in my bubble,

and I've got a cracking joke for you.
- Oh, hoorah!

Because I love jokes, I absolutely
love them. I literally can't wait.

Well, you don't have to
because here it comes.

It's short and very sweet -

a little bit like me!

So Jesus said unto his disciples,

"Come forth, and thou shalt receive
eternal life."

But Thomas came fifth,
so he got a toaster.

Oh! Oh, but that's sad, isn't it?

- What?
- Well, he came so close, but
he came fifth and got a toaster.

Which would normally be amazing,
but compared to eternal life,

well, oh, no, that's tough.

I think they should have made
the prizes more equal.

No. Concentrate.
It's wordplay, isn't it?

"Come forth" - do you see?
"Come FOURTH".

Well, I wonder who did come fourth?

Do you think Thomas could appeal?
Maybe get an upgrade?

I give up. It's happening again!

It's all right for you,
but for Thomas it's the difference

between eternity in heaven
and eternity in hell,

with the mild compensation
of a couple of toasted crumpets.

No, no. He should definitely go
through the complaints procedure.

# Dear Lord and Father of mankind

# Forgive your foolish ways. #

But you were
going to tell me a joke.

That'd be a nice end to the day.

Yeah. OK, another one.

Now, I don't think
I've told you this before,

but back home I've got a stepladder.

Because my real ladder left home
when I was very young.

So... now I've got a stepladder.

Oh! Oh, that's a terrible story.

I didn't know, I'm so sorry.

Waking up one morning
and finding your ladder gone.

Did it leave a note?
- What...?

What if your stepladder turned out
to be a wicked stepladder?

Oh, no, no...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not having this, go on, off you go.
Goodbye.

This bubble is burst. Pop!

# Surely goodness and mercy

# Shall follow me
all the days of my life

# And I will dwell in the house

# Of the Lord

# Forever

# Forever. #