All language subtitles for The Vicar of Dibley (1994) - S00E18 - In Lockdown꞉ Episode 1 (1080p HDTV x265 Ghost).srt - eng(2)

Is this working, even?

Oh, yes, yes, we're on.

Greetings, fine folk of Dibley,

it's Geraldine here.

Your buxom Vicarette.

So, as we enter the
fourth week of lockdown,

I know many of you
are becoming anxious.

So, let me begin by saying...

...this is the end of the world.

I can absolutely promise you that...

...you are going to inevitably

catch this terrible virus and die.

There. I hope that's
put your minds at rest.

Now, before I get to the religious
bit, a few parish notices.

First, a message for darling
Jim Trott,

and I do hope you get this, Jim.

When you see these signs...

..."M" means metres, not miles.

I know you've now been hiding
in the woods for a fortnight, Jim,

but please do come home NOW.

And, er... Oh, and here's another
thing that's just come in from, um,

well, it's from Owen Newitt.

"Dear Geraldine, am I right in
thinking that human beings need only

keep their social distance
from other humans and that the rule

does not apply to a human
and a young, seductive,

frisky goat, for example?"

Actually, I'll... I'll deal
with that one later.

Me and the police.

So, moving on, these are very
strange times, aren't they?

But for some of us, it's been
a chance to read THAT book

we've always been meaning to read.

Only joking.

I've read it, of course.
Well, bits of it anyway.

Mainly the saucy bits, obviously.

And the message of Easter is that
things can get very bad indeed.

Crucifixion - very bad.

But like Jesus, we will rise
from it stronger than ever-

...and our village is really rallying
together, so if you hear people

have run out of things,
please feel free to leave them

outside their door.

I, for instance, have completely
run out of Easter eggs, so-

...and the more you read
the New Testament,

the more one simple message
comes through.

We all must be gentle-

...and kind.

Go away, Frank!

You incredibly annoying old git.

God!

For, as Jesus says
in the Beatitudes,

"Blessed are the peacemakers."

And finally, little hint, do
try to stay healthy, won't you?

I mean, I like to exercise to music

because I find it makes
the time rush by quicker,

and this is actually
my favourite piece.

Annnd relax.

There. It's exhausting,
but thoroughly worthwhile.

And so, I bid you farewell.
Stay safe.

Eat masses of Mars bars,
and, um, bless you all for watching.

How do you turn it off?

I know, I know.

It's a hair disaster.

Top tip, never ask Owen Newitt
to cut your hair.

He's used to shearing sheep,
and even they aren't happy

with the service provided.

Now, erm, something
very special this week.

Today, I'm going to do a Zoom call
with the delightful Mrs. Udin,

and some of the children in the
village as they're all Zooming

into class at the moment.

So, erm, let's hope this works.

Um...

Abracadabra!

Hello, children.

I'm your local vicar, and I'm here
to answer any questions you've got

about God, and Jesus,
and all that sort of stuff.

Hello, Vicar.

The children were saying how much
they're missing church.

Oh, that's lovely.

Liar.

OK, so who'd like to get us started?

Yes, Molly.

My mummy says Jesus is the best.

- Hurrah!
- But my daddy says Dynamo is better

because he walked down the side
of a building and Jesus never did.

Ah. But Jesus did lots of
other amazing things.

So, who can tell me one of
the amazing things Jesus did?

Did he saw a woman in half?

- No.
- Penn and Teller sawed a woman in half.

Now, I'm sure... I'm sure they did.

So did Leatherface
in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

He sawed LOADS of women in half.

Oh, yes. I'm sorry.

I don't quite know how
we've got from Jesus

to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I know! I know!

Did he turn water into wine?

He did! Yes! Well done.

And he also fed 5,000 people

with just five loaves,
and two fishes.

I've been to a restaurant like that.

Yeah.

But the most amazing thing Jesus
did was he actually brought someone,

a man called Lazarus,
back from the dead.

Just the one.

Well, yes.

I mean, how many do you need?

He brought a bloke back to life.
It's a miracle.

If I found I could bring someone
back from the dead,

I'll do it all the time,
not just once.

- Um... - So would I. - So would I.
- Me too.

So, why didn't he?

Well... the simple answer to
that is because...

Oh, dear.

It looks like her screen's frozen.

No, it hasn't.

I can see her moving.

No, you can't.

There. She blinked.

I did not blink, I...

Kids. Don't you love 'em?

And that leads me to
my message of the week -

don't have children.

No. Only kidding.

Sort of. My real message is,
as we know from the Bible,

miracles DO happen, and we will
get through Covid together.

Bless you for watching,
and never forget -

your children are the most
precious thing you have.

So sell them and buy a Porsche.

Hello. Today, I'd like to deal
with how tricky a lot of people

are finding lockdown.

I'm going to play a conversation
I had with Hugo Horton,

which illustrates a problem
many of us are facing.

Oh, good.

- Hello, Vicar.
- Hugo!

Are you hiding in the toilet?

Yes. I don't want my father
listening.

Right. How can I help you?

- Er, well, it's about this lockdown business.
- Right?

You see, the thing is, Father and
I have been locked down together

for so long, he keeps forgetting
what he's told me,

so he keeps telling me things
he's told me before.

I know. You've told me this before.

For instance, the other day
we were having chicken for lunch...

- Stop me if I've told you this
before.
- You've told me this before.

Suddenly, he said to me,

"Stop me if I've told you
this before."

Yes, you've told me this before.

Then he launched into a story
he's told me many times,

which I won't bore you with now.

- Good.
- About the time they
had vegetarian lasagne

at the golf club dinner.

So, naturally, as soon
as he started, I shouted,

"For God's sake, stop.

I never want to hear
any of your stories again."

For God's sake, stop. I never want
to hear any of your stories again.

- Yes, yes. Well, not quite as angrily as that.
- Sorry.

And then he stopped, and then after
a slightly awkward 45 minutes,

eventually I said,
"I'm sorry, Father.

It's this bloody lockdown business.

Actually, I love your stories."

And then he told me his
Earl's Court Motor Show story,

which is his most tedious story
of all,

which I definitely won't bore you with.
- Good.

- About the time he went to
the Motor Show in 1972...
- No.

And we'll leave it there.

But my message for this Sunday
is this - times are tough,

but let's all be forgiving,

just like Jesus was
when he said to Judas,

"It doesn't matter, mate!"

And finally, a reminder to keep
washing your hands, please.

And here's...
Actually, here's a tip.

If you're getting bored singing
Happy Birthday twice through,

I've discovered that the time it
takes to wash my hands properly

is precisely the time it takes
for a Ferrero Rocher

to disintegrate on your tongue
if you don't chew,

and I'm now washing my hands
20 times a day.

So, see you next week.

I'm just going to go
and, er, wash my hands.