All language subtitles for The Vicar of Dibley (1994) - S00E09 - Christmas Specials 2004꞉ Happy New Year (480p DVD x265 Ghost).srt - eng(2)

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English Download
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish Download
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,380 --> 00:00:05,073 RIGHT, QUICK BUT CUTE. 2 00:00:05,075 --> 00:00:06,769 GOODY GUMDROPS, I LOVE YOUR JOKES. 3 00:00:06,771 --> 00:00:08,625 RIGHT, NOW CONCENTRATE. OKAY? 4 00:00:08,627 --> 00:00:09,585 OKAY. 5 00:00:09,587 --> 00:00:11,922 A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR, 6 00:00:11,924 --> 00:00:16,626 AND THE BARMAN SAYS, "HEY, WHY THE LONG FACE?" 7 00:00:19,891 --> 00:00:21,649 SORRY? 8 00:00:21,651 --> 00:00:24,081 "WHY THE LONG FACE?" DO YOU GET IT? 9 00:00:24,083 --> 00:00:26,162 NO, I DON'T. 10 00:00:26,164 --> 00:00:28,082 WELL, THE HORSE HAS GOT A LONG FACE. 11 00:00:28,084 --> 00:00:29,233 WHY, IS HE DEPRESSED? 12 00:00:29,235 --> 00:00:31,473 NO, HE'S NOT DEPRESSED. 13 00:00:31,475 --> 00:00:34,833 WELL, I DON'T MEAN ACTUALLY DEPRESSED, NOT CLINICALLY, 14 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,818 BUT SOMETHING'S OBVIOUSLY GONE VERY WRONG FOR HIM. 15 00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:39,633 OTHERWISE, HE WOULDN'T BE GOING INTO THE BAR WITH THE LONG FACE. 16 00:00:39,635 --> 00:00:42,097 I MEAN, HE'S OBVIOUSLY LONELY. 17 00:00:42,099 --> 00:00:44,529 WHO KNOWS, MAYBE HE'S GOT A DRINK PROBLEM AS WELL. 18 00:00:44,531 --> 00:00:47,442 I DON'T KNOW WHY I ALWAYS MAKE THIS MISTAKE. 19 00:00:47,444 --> 00:00:49,745 I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I INTERRUPTED. 20 00:00:49,747 --> 00:00:53,137 YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME, WHY DOES THE HORSE HAVE A LONG FACE? 21 00:00:53,139 --> 00:00:55,953 BECAUSE HE'S A HORSE. 22 00:00:57,235 --> 00:01:00,913 OH, WOW... THAT IS DEPRESSION. 23 00:01:00,915 --> 00:01:04,209 IF HE IS ACTUALLY DEPRESSED BECAUSE HE'S A HORSE, 24 00:01:04,211 --> 00:01:07,249 HE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF THAT. NEVER. 25 00:01:07,251 --> 00:01:09,105 HE'LL ALWAYS HAVE A LONG FACE. 26 00:01:10,899 --> 00:01:15,217 YES, BECAUSE HE'S A HORSE. 27 00:01:15,219 --> 00:01:18,865 YOU AGREE WITH HIM? IF YOU WERE A HORSE YOU'D HAVE A LONG FACE? 28 00:01:18,867 --> 00:01:22,833 YES, BECAUSE I WAS A HORSE. 29 00:01:22,835 --> 00:01:27,249 IT'S SO ODD. I DISAGREE, IF I WAS AN ANT, 30 00:01:27,251 --> 00:01:28,657 I'D HAVE A VERY LONG FACE, 31 00:01:28,659 --> 00:01:30,353 PEOPLE TREADING ON ME ALL DAY. 32 00:01:30,355 --> 00:01:33,362 BUT IF I WAS A HORSE, I WOULD BE SO HAPPY 33 00:01:33,363 --> 00:01:36,753 JUMPING OVER FENCES, OVER STILES, 34 00:01:36,755 --> 00:01:39,473 WINNING LOVELY ROSETTES AT GYMKHANAS, 35 00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:40,881 HAVING SUGAR CUBES IN MY MOUTH. 36 00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:43,473 - DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH I WAS? - NO, WHAT? 37 00:01:43,475 --> 00:01:46,481 A GREAT, BIG, VICIOUS DOBERMAN DOG. 38 00:01:46,483 --> 00:01:47,569 WHY? 39 00:01:47,571 --> 00:01:51,409 'CAUSE THEN I COULD RIP YOUR THROAT OUT! 40 00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:55,953 OOOH... THAT IS DEPRESSION, TOO. 41 00:01:57,746 --> 00:02:02,418 ♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WANT ♪ 42 00:02:02,419 --> 00:02:08,242 ♪ HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES ♪ 43 00:02:08,244 --> 00:02:13,489 ♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪ 44 00:02:13,491 --> 00:02:19,313 BESIDE STILL WATERS ♪ 45 00:02:22,163 --> 00:02:27,153 ♪ STILL WATERS ♪ 46 00:02:27,155 --> 00:02:29,106 RIGHT, MOVING ON... YES. 47 00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:30,321 OH, SORRY I'M LATE. 48 00:02:30,323 --> 00:02:32,657 I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A LIFE-SIZE CUT-OUT 49 00:02:32,659 --> 00:02:35,760 3-D DO-IT-YOURSELF VIBRATING MODEL 50 00:02:35,762 --> 00:02:37,617 OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. 51 00:02:37,619 --> 00:02:40,978 YEAH, JUST GOT TO THE TROUSER SECTION. 52 00:02:41,971 --> 00:02:44,721 COMPLETELY FORGOT IT WAS WEDNESDAY. 53 00:02:44,723 --> 00:02:48,337 WELL, I'M AFRAID THE MEETING IS ALMOST OVER. 54 00:02:48,339 --> 00:02:49,969 UNLESS SOMEONE HAS AN A.O.B., 55 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:53,202 YOU CAN GET STRAIGHT BACK TO MASTER TIMBERLAKE'S PRIVATES. 56 00:02:53,203 --> 00:02:56,145 THOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO RECORD OUR DISAPPOINTMENT 57 00:02:56,147 --> 00:02:58,866 THAT YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOB WITH THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY. 58 00:02:58,868 --> 00:03:00,305 HEAR, HEAR. 59 00:03:00,307 --> 00:03:02,065 Geraldine: OH, WELL, THANK YOU. 60 00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:03,793 ACTUALLY, I'M FINE ABOUT IT. 61 00:03:03,795 --> 00:03:06,769 YOU KNOW, C'EST LA VIE, THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES. 62 00:03:06,771 --> 00:03:08,433 HE SIMPLY DECIDED TO GIVE THE JOB 63 00:03:08,435 --> 00:03:12,913 TO A MUCH YOUNGER TOTAL TWATTING, TALENTLESS, TOSSING TOOL. 64 00:03:14,835 --> 00:03:17,073 NICELY PUT. 65 00:03:17,075 --> 00:03:19,026 ANY A.O.B.'S? 66 00:03:19,027 --> 00:03:20,433 OH, ACTUALLY, YES, I'VE GOT ONE. 67 00:03:20,435 --> 00:03:22,929 I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE THAT WE COMMEMORATE THE FACT 68 00:03:22,931 --> 00:03:25,424 THAT THIS YEAR, IT IS THE 20th ANNIVERSARY 69 00:03:25,426 --> 00:03:26,769 OF THE LIVE AID CONCERT. 70 00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:29,233 BAGS I PLAY FREDDIE MERCURY. 71 00:03:31,282 --> 00:03:33,841 YOU DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE FREDDIE MERCURY. 72 00:03:33,843 --> 00:03:36,785 I DO WHEN I DYE MY MOUSTACHE. 73 00:03:36,787 --> 00:03:40,177 NO--NO--NO, YOU BLOODY WELL DON'T. 74 00:03:40,179 --> 00:03:42,704 YOU DYE YOUR MOUSTACHE, YOU LOOK LIKE STALIN. 75 00:03:44,626 --> 00:03:48,689 AS I WAS TRYING TO SAY, BEFORE I WAS INTERRUPTED BY THREE AGEING LUNATICS, 76 00:03:48,691 --> 00:03:51,185 I'M NOT SUGGESTING THAT WE RE-STAGE IT, 77 00:03:51,187 --> 00:03:53,553 JUST THAT WE REMEMBER IT OFFICIALLY IN SOME WAY. 78 00:03:53,555 --> 00:03:55,025 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY. 79 00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:56,433 WELL, BECAUSE IT WAS ONE DAY 80 00:03:56,435 --> 00:03:59,921 THAT I GENUINELY FELT PROUD TO BE ALIVE. 81 00:03:59,923 --> 00:04:01,265 YOU KNOW, FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES 82 00:04:01,267 --> 00:04:02,768 WE ALL STOOD TOGETHER 83 00:04:02,770 --> 00:04:04,977 AND SAID THAT PEOPLE ARE STARVING 84 00:04:04,979 --> 00:04:06,960 AND WE'RE MAD AS HELL ABOUT IT. 85 00:04:06,962 --> 00:04:10,353 YES, I REMEMBER, I WAS MAD AS HELL THAT DAY. 86 00:04:10,355 --> 00:04:11,537 GOOD ON YOU, JIM. 87 00:04:11,539 --> 00:04:15,697 YES, MY TELEVISION REMOTE WOULDN'T WORK. 88 00:04:15,699 --> 00:04:20,048 I HAD TO WATCH EMMERDALE FARM ALL AFTERNOON. 89 00:04:20,050 --> 00:04:22,320 IF WE WERE TO DO SOMETHING, 90 00:04:22,322 --> 00:04:23,569 WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SUGGESTING? 91 00:04:23,571 --> 00:04:25,073 WELL, I DON'T KNOW. 92 00:04:25,075 --> 00:04:27,185 PERHAPS WE SHOULD ALL WRITE A LETTER TO THE PRIME MINISTER 93 00:04:27,187 --> 00:04:28,880 SAYING THAT IT'S TIME TO DO SOMETHING 94 00:04:28,882 --> 00:04:31,377 ABOUT POVERTY ONCE AND FOR ALL. 95 00:04:31,379 --> 00:04:33,361 I DON'T THINK SHE CARES ABOUT POVERTY VERY MUCH. 96 00:04:34,355 --> 00:04:36,017 WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SHE"? 97 00:04:36,019 --> 00:04:37,873 MARGARET THATCHER. 98 00:04:43,571 --> 00:04:46,224 MARGARET THATCHER ISN'T THE PRIME MINISTER. 99 00:04:46,226 --> 00:04:47,857 ISN'T SHE? 100 00:04:47,858 --> 00:04:51,505 NO, SHE HASN'T BEEN THE PRIME MINISTER FOR 15 YEARS. 101 00:04:51,507 --> 00:04:53,744 WELL, WHAT HAPPENED THEN? 102 00:04:53,746 --> 00:04:56,177 SHE GOT BOOTED OUT. 103 00:04:56,179 --> 00:04:57,329 WHO BY? 104 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,800 JOHN MAJOR. 105 00:04:58,802 --> 00:04:59,760 WHO? 106 00:05:01,235 --> 00:05:03,281 JOHN MAJOR. 107 00:05:03,283 --> 00:05:06,705 ARE YOU SURE? SURE WHAT? 108 00:05:06,706 --> 00:05:09,425 THAT MARGARET THATCHER ISN'T STILL THE PRIME MINISTER? 109 00:05:09,427 --> 00:05:12,240 OF COURSE SHE ISN'T. OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE! 110 00:05:12,242 --> 00:05:13,841 WHO IS PRIME MINISTER THEN, WILLIE WHITELAW? 111 00:05:13,843 --> 00:05:15,281 NO. 112 00:05:15,283 --> 00:05:18,065 GOD ALIVE! I'M IN A STATE OF SHOCK. WHO IS IT THEN? 113 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,920 IT'S TONY BLAIR. 114 00:05:23,155 --> 00:05:26,000 NOPE, DOESN'T RING A BELL. 115 00:05:26,002 --> 00:05:28,721 OH, COME ON! TONY BLAIR, 116 00:05:28,723 --> 00:05:30,865 HE'S BEEN THE PRIME MINISTER FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS! 117 00:05:30,867 --> 00:05:32,112 WHAT'S HE DONE? 118 00:05:33,586 --> 00:05:35,697 OVER TO YOU. 119 00:05:36,691 --> 00:05:40,688 WELL...LOTS OF...GOOD STUFF. 120 00:05:40,690 --> 00:05:43,632 ALL I'M SUGGESTING IS THAT WE WRITE HIM A LETTER. 121 00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:44,784 MAYBE WE SHOULD WRITE A LETTER 122 00:05:44,786 --> 00:05:47,249 TO MARGARET THATCHER AS WELL, JUST IN CASE. 123 00:05:47,251 --> 00:05:49,424 JUST IN CASE WHAT? 124 00:05:49,426 --> 00:05:51,920 WELL, JUST IN CASE SHE'S STILL IN POWER 125 00:05:51,922 --> 00:05:54,320 AND YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG END OF THE STICK. 126 00:05:54,322 --> 00:05:56,144 LOOK, I TELL YOU WHAT, 127 00:05:56,146 --> 00:05:58,097 WHY DON'T YOU START A SUBCOMMITTEE 128 00:05:58,098 --> 00:06:00,337 TO DISCUSS THIS LIVE AID NONSENSE. 129 00:06:00,339 --> 00:06:02,032 FOR NOW, I'M SURE THERE ARE LOTS OF OTHER, 130 00:06:02,034 --> 00:06:03,537 MORE IMPORTANT THINGS PEOPLE WANT TO TABLE. 131 00:06:03,539 --> 00:06:04,848 WHAT MORE IMPORTANT THAN MAKING 132 00:06:04,850 --> 00:06:07,184 EXTREME POVERTY HISTORY FOREVER? 133 00:06:07,186 --> 00:06:09,041 WELL YES, I THINK SO. 134 00:06:09,043 --> 00:06:11,921 I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS THE PUMPKIN COMPETITION. 135 00:06:11,923 --> 00:06:12,944 All: YES. 136 00:06:12,946 --> 00:06:15,153 THERE YOU GO, YOU SEE. 137 00:06:15,155 --> 00:06:17,553 ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BE ON THE POVERTY, BAND AID, 138 00:06:17,554 --> 00:06:20,624 GOODY-GOODY, "WHOOPS, I'M HUNGRY" SUBCOMMITTEE, 139 00:06:20,626 --> 00:06:22,288 RAISE THEIR HANDS. 140 00:06:23,699 --> 00:06:25,424 FIRST MEETING TEATIME TOMORROW, 141 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,728 MY PLACE, JAFFA CAKES SUPPLIED. 142 00:06:27,730 --> 00:06:29,553 All: GOOD IDEA. VITAL STUFF. 143 00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,568 THANK YOU. 144 00:06:31,570 --> 00:06:34,416 MOVING ON, ANY OTHER ANY OTHER BUSINESS? 145 00:06:34,418 --> 00:06:35,504 YES, YES, THERE IS ONE LITTLE THING. 146 00:06:35,506 --> 00:06:37,392 OH, GOOD FOR YOU, HUGO. 147 00:06:37,394 --> 00:06:38,768 AH, THANKS VERY MUCH. 148 00:06:38,770 --> 00:06:40,657 WELL THE THING IS, BEFORE THE NEXT MEETING, 149 00:06:40,659 --> 00:06:43,920 IT IS IN FACT QUITE AN IMPORTANT BIRTHDAY FOR ONE OF US, 150 00:06:43,922 --> 00:06:46,288 AND I THOUGHT WE MIGHT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT HOW TO CELEBRATE IT. 151 00:06:46,290 --> 00:06:47,313 WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS IT? 152 00:06:47,314 --> 00:06:48,433 SHUT UP YOU TWO. 153 00:06:48,435 --> 00:06:49,457 IT'S GERALDINE'S. 154 00:06:49,459 --> 00:06:51,696 HOW OLD IS SHE GOING TO BE? 155 00:06:51,698 --> 00:06:53,329 SORRY, I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT. I MUST GO. 156 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,664 HO HO, I'VE GOT IT, I'VE GOT IT. 157 00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:58,193 THERE'LL BE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, BEING 50. 158 00:07:01,139 --> 00:07:04,657 SOME OF MY MOST EXCITING SEXUAL JOURNEYS 159 00:07:04,659 --> 00:07:08,048 HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE CAVERNS AND OVER THE HILLS 160 00:07:08,050 --> 00:07:10,320 OF WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE. 161 00:07:11,443 --> 00:07:14,513 I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE 50. 162 00:07:14,515 --> 00:07:17,137 I'M NOT 50! 163 00:07:17,139 --> 00:07:18,449 HOW OLD ARE YOU, THEN? 164 00:07:18,451 --> 00:07:20,688 WELL, I'M GOING TO BE... YOU KNOW... 165 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,289 THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. 166 00:07:22,291 --> 00:07:24,817 I MEAN A LOT OF WOMEN FIND THEIR TRUE LOVE AFTER THIS AGE. 167 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,544 AND AS YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE AGE FOR CHILDBIRTH 168 00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:28,113 HAS SHOT UP IN RECENT YEARS, 169 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,328 SO THERE'S SOME HOPE THERE. 170 00:07:29,330 --> 00:07:30,833 I'M GOING TO BE, YOU KNOW... 171 00:07:30,835 --> 00:07:34,481 IN THE REGION OF... 40, PROBABLY. 172 00:07:34,483 --> 00:07:36,272 All: OH. 40. 173 00:07:36,274 --> 00:07:38,705 JUST BELT-UP, THE LOT OF YOU! 174 00:07:38,706 --> 00:07:40,529 I WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING AS CLEAR 175 00:07:40,531 --> 00:07:42,640 AS THE BREASTS ON JORDAN'S CHEST. 176 00:07:42,642 --> 00:07:45,872 I WILL NOT, REPEAT NOT, BE CELEBRATING IT, 177 00:07:45,874 --> 00:07:47,792 AND THAT, GENTLEMEN, IS THAT. 178 00:07:47,794 --> 00:07:50,129 I'M A BIG WOMAN WITH BIG FISTS, 179 00:07:50,131 --> 00:07:51,600 AND I WOULD HATE TO HAVE TO USE THEM 180 00:07:51,602 --> 00:07:53,392 ON ANYONE WHO MENTIONS IT AGAIN. 181 00:07:53,394 --> 00:07:56,272 SO WE WON'T BE HAVING YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY, THEN? 182 00:08:09,746 --> 00:08:12,209 UM, I WAS LISTENING TO THE RADIO YESTERDAY 183 00:08:12,210 --> 00:08:14,160 AND THEY PLAYED THIS SONG THAT SAYS, 184 00:08:14,162 --> 00:08:16,880 "I HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET OLD." 185 00:08:16,882 --> 00:08:18,672 HOW OLD DO YOU THINK OLD IS? 186 00:08:18,674 --> 00:08:20,272 HMM, DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 187 00:08:20,274 --> 00:08:23,664 I DON'T KNOW, I SUPPOSE FOR ACTUAL OLD PEOPLE, 188 00:08:23,666 --> 00:08:26,257 161 IS VERY OLD. 189 00:08:26,258 --> 00:08:27,728 RIGHT. 190 00:08:27,730 --> 00:08:30,001 BUT FOR YOUNG PEOPLE, 28 IS PRETTY OLD. 191 00:08:30,003 --> 00:08:31,728 SO 30 IS... 192 00:08:31,730 --> 00:08:34,128 VERY OLD. AND 35? 193 00:08:34,130 --> 00:08:36,848 IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE ANYONE THAT OLD, ISN'T IT? 194 00:08:38,738 --> 00:08:41,328 AND 40 IS? 195 00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:44,144 I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHY THEY BOTHER. 196 00:08:45,682 --> 00:08:48,208 I THINK THE KINDEST THING TO DO TO WOMEN 197 00:08:48,210 --> 00:08:50,352 WHO REACH 40 IS JUST PUT THEM DOWN. 198 00:08:50,354 --> 00:08:52,623 SPEAKING OF WHICH, 199 00:08:52,625 --> 00:08:54,128 YOUR BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP, ISN'T IT? 200 00:08:54,130 --> 00:08:55,376 HOW OLD ARE YOU GOING TO BE? 201 00:08:55,378 --> 00:08:57,679 NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. 202 00:08:57,681 --> 00:08:59,248 OH, I LOVE GUESSING GAMES. 203 00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:01,808 UM...32? 204 00:09:01,810 --> 00:09:03,472 NO, I'M NOT PLAYING, ALICE. 205 00:09:03,474 --> 00:09:05,040 OH, IT'S NOT 35, IS IT? 206 00:09:05,042 --> 00:09:08,016 IN WHICH CASE, I AM SO SORRY ABOUT WHAT I SAID. 207 00:09:08,018 --> 00:09:10,255 THERE ARE SOME LATE MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN 208 00:09:10,257 --> 00:09:12,144 WHO ARE PERFECTLY REASONABLE LOOKING, 209 00:09:12,146 --> 00:09:14,224 YOU KNOW, PEOPLE LIKE... 210 00:09:17,010 --> 00:09:19,855 I CAN'T THINK OF ANY, BUT THERE MUST BE ONE OR TWO. 211 00:09:19,857 --> 00:09:22,128 40, I'M GOING TO BE 40. 212 00:09:27,441 --> 00:09:28,784 I'M SO SORRY. 213 00:09:28,786 --> 00:09:29,744 NO... 214 00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:35,088 NO, 40 IS GREAT, ALL RIGHT? 215 00:09:35,090 --> 00:09:36,336 THAT'S THE RIGHT AGE FOR ME 216 00:09:36,338 --> 00:09:38,608 AND I FEEL VERY HAPPY AND PROUD ABOUT IT. 217 00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:41,296 YOU POOR THING. 218 00:09:41,298 --> 00:09:43,568 IT'S NEXT STOP: DEATH. 219 00:09:43,570 --> 00:09:47,343 NO! NO, NO, NO, ON THE CONTRARY, NO. 220 00:09:47,345 --> 00:09:48,721 I FEEL VERY YOUNG AND FIT. 221 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,439 I MEAN, LOOK, I CAN JUMP, AND I CAN DANCE. 222 00:09:51,441 --> 00:09:52,880 DID YOU KNOW THAT I CAN TOUCH MY TOES? 223 00:09:52,882 --> 00:09:54,063 NO. 224 00:09:54,065 --> 00:09:56,592 OH YES, I CAN, LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THAT. 225 00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:02,512 WOW, PHEW! WHEN'S THE PARTY, THEN? 226 00:10:02,514 --> 00:10:05,104 THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE A COCKING PARTY! 227 00:10:06,194 --> 00:10:07,759 ALL RIGHT. 228 00:10:07,761 --> 00:10:09,136 SORRY. 229 00:10:09,137 --> 00:10:11,984 CHANGE THE SUBJECT. LUNATIC ON THE LOOSE. 230 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:15,120 YEAH, I'M SORRY, SORRY. 231 00:10:15,122 --> 00:10:19,279 I THINK YOUR IDEA ABOUT DOING LIVE AID IS JOLLY GOOD. 232 00:10:19,281 --> 00:10:22,416 I THINK I'M PROBABLY GOING TO BE MADONNA. 233 00:10:22,418 --> 00:10:24,720 ♪ LIKE A VIRGIN ♪ 234 00:10:24,722 --> 00:10:28,176 ♪ TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME ♪ 235 00:10:28,178 --> 00:10:30,448 YEAH, WE'RE NOT RE-STAGING IT, ALICE, OKAY, 236 00:10:30,450 --> 00:10:31,663 WE'RE JUST COMMEMORATING IT. 237 00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:34,383 OH. THE ONE THING I NEVER DID FIND OUT 238 00:10:34,385 --> 00:10:36,624 ABOUT LIVE AID, THOUGH WAS, 239 00:10:36,625 --> 00:10:39,408 DID THEY ACTUALLY KNOW IT WAS CHRISTMASTIME AT ALL? 240 00:10:41,810 --> 00:10:46,927 UM...I THINK SOME OF THEM DID, YEAH, YEAH. 241 00:10:46,929 --> 00:10:48,272 OH, GOOD. 242 00:10:48,274 --> 00:10:50,160 I NEVER REALLY DID APPROVE OF THAT SONG ACTUALLY, 243 00:10:50,162 --> 00:10:52,144 'CAUSE IT WAS SUCH A STUPID QUESTION. 244 00:10:52,146 --> 00:10:55,024 I MEAN, I CANNOT IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE ANNOYING THAN, 245 00:10:55,026 --> 00:10:58,224 LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, BEING STARVING TO DEATH 246 00:10:58,226 --> 00:10:59,728 AND SOME FAMOUS POP STAR COMES UP 247 00:10:59,730 --> 00:11:01,359 TO YOU AND YOU ARE SO EXCITED 248 00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:02,928 THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET A HANDOUT, 249 00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:05,040 AND HE COMES RIGHT UP TO YOU AND HE SAYS, 250 00:11:05,042 --> 00:11:07,664 "DO YOU KNOW IT'S CHRISTMASTIME AT ALL?" 251 00:11:09,297 --> 00:11:11,760 FAT LOT OF GOOD THAT IS! SURELY, HE SHOULD BE SAYING, 252 00:11:11,762 --> 00:11:14,448 "DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT AT ALL?" 253 00:11:14,450 --> 00:11:16,335 HMM, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE QUITE UNDERSTOOD 254 00:11:16,337 --> 00:11:17,903 THE MEANING OF THE SONG, ALICE. 255 00:11:17,905 --> 00:11:19,376 NO, NO, NO, NO, I THINK I HAVE. YOU SEE... 256 00:11:19,378 --> 00:11:21,264 ( door bell rings ) OH, THERE IS A GOD. 257 00:11:21,266 --> 00:11:24,944 OH, MUST JUST GET THAT. 258 00:11:28,017 --> 00:11:29,295 OH, HI THERE. 259 00:11:29,297 --> 00:11:30,415 HELLO. OH, HI GUYS, COME ON IN. 260 00:11:30,417 --> 00:11:31,568 HELLO, VICAR. 261 00:11:31,570 --> 00:11:33,072 COME ON IN. 262 00:11:44,625 --> 00:11:48,303 SO...HAVE YOU ALL HAD A GO AT YOUR LETTERS TO THE P.M.? 263 00:11:48,305 --> 00:11:50,383 YES, WE'VE CERTAINLY ALL HAD A STAB. 264 00:11:50,385 --> 00:11:52,272 EXCELLENT. FIRE AWAY THEN. FRANK? 265 00:11:52,274 --> 00:11:55,472 "DEAR PRIME MINISTER, I'M VERY SORRY TO TAKE UP YOUR TIME, 266 00:11:55,474 --> 00:11:57,680 "BUT THANK YOU VERY MUCH 267 00:11:57,682 --> 00:11:59,823 FOR SPARING A MOMENT TO READ THIS LETTER." 268 00:11:59,825 --> 00:12:03,120 EXCELLENT. NICE AND POLITE. GET ON HIS RIGHT SIDE. 269 00:12:03,122 --> 00:12:04,687 "IT'S HARD FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME 270 00:12:04,689 --> 00:12:06,128 "TO IMAGINE JUST HOW BUSY 271 00:12:06,130 --> 00:12:07,695 SOMEONE LIKE YOU MUST BE." 272 00:12:07,697 --> 00:12:08,880 GOOD... 273 00:12:08,882 --> 00:12:10,768 "THINK OF THE WIDE RANGE OF THINGS 274 00:12:10,770 --> 00:12:12,527 "THAT MUST BE ON YOUR MIND, 275 00:12:12,529 --> 00:12:15,472 "FROM THE STATE OF THE NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE, 276 00:12:15,474 --> 00:12:17,167 "TO THE PERMANENT WORRY 277 00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:20,848 OVER WHICH TIE TO WEAR ON BIG OCCASIONS." 278 00:12:20,850 --> 00:12:22,863 YES, I THINK YOU MIGHT BE 279 00:12:22,865 --> 00:12:24,720 LOSING HIM A BIT NOW, FRANK. 280 00:12:24,722 --> 00:12:28,176 "I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL... 281 00:12:30,386 --> 00:12:35,024 "MY FIRST TEACHER WAS A MAN CALLED MR. GREENWOOD." 282 00:12:35,026 --> 00:12:37,135 CAN I JUST INTERRUPT YOU THERE A SECOND, FRANK? 283 00:12:37,137 --> 00:12:40,015 JUST A BALLPARK FIGURE-- EXACTLY HOW LONG IS THIS LETTER? 284 00:12:40,017 --> 00:12:42,096 118 PAGES. 285 00:12:44,498 --> 00:12:46,575 BUT IT'S NOT FINISHED YET. 286 00:12:46,577 --> 00:12:50,160 RIGHT, AND THUS FAR, HAVE YOU MENTIONED AFRICA OR POVERTY YET? 287 00:12:50,162 --> 00:12:51,440 NO, NOT YET. 288 00:12:51,441 --> 00:12:52,591 RIGHT, WELL, PERHAPS WHEN YOU DO, 289 00:12:52,593 --> 00:12:53,616 YOU COULD LET US KNOW. 290 00:12:53,617 --> 00:12:56,175 OKAY, OWEN, HOW DID YOU DO? 291 00:12:56,177 --> 00:12:59,152 WELL, I'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T WRITTEN AS MUCH AS FRANK. 292 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:00,848 I THINK THAT'S A GOOD THING. 293 00:13:00,850 --> 00:13:03,055 ( clears throat ) 294 00:13:04,977 --> 00:13:06,608 "DEAR PRIME MINISTER..." 295 00:13:06,610 --> 00:13:08,335 GOOD START. 296 00:13:08,337 --> 00:13:11,599 "LISTEN UP, YOU STUPID PRICK..." 297 00:13:16,145 --> 00:13:18,735 I SMELL A TINY PROBLEM THERE. 298 00:13:18,737 --> 00:13:20,559 YES, WELL, I THOUGHT HE MUST GET A LOT OF LETTERS 299 00:13:20,561 --> 00:13:22,959 AND I SHOULD GRAB HIS ATTENTION RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING. 300 00:13:22,961 --> 00:13:25,743 GOOD POINT. I THINK THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT COUNTERPRODUCTIVE, 301 00:13:25,745 --> 00:13:27,311 BUT LET'S SEE HOW WE CONTINUE. 302 00:13:27,313 --> 00:13:29,231 "DEAR PRIME MINISTER, 303 00:13:29,233 --> 00:13:31,375 "LISTEN UP, YOU STUPID PRICK..." 304 00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,688 YES... 305 00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:36,047 "YOURS SINCERELY, OWEN NEWITT." 306 00:13:38,705 --> 00:13:39,823 YOU SEEM TO HAVE MISSED OUT 307 00:13:39,825 --> 00:13:41,775 A CRUCIAL LITTLE BIT IN THE MIDDLE THERE. 308 00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:42,863 YES, WELL, I CAN'T SAY 309 00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:44,559 I GAVE IT A LOT OF TIME. 310 00:13:44,561 --> 00:13:46,159 BUT YOU THINK, FUNDAMENTALLY, 311 00:13:46,161 --> 00:13:47,919 IT'S ALONG THE RIGHT LINES? 312 00:13:47,921 --> 00:13:51,984 YEAH, NO, NOT REALLY. YOU SEE, THE MAIN POINT OF WRITING THIS LETTER 313 00:13:51,986 --> 00:13:53,712 IS FOR YOU TO TELL THE PRIME MINISTER 314 00:13:53,714 --> 00:13:55,824 THAT 30 THOUSAND PEOPLE ARE DYING 315 00:13:55,826 --> 00:13:57,999 OF EXTREME POVERTY EVERY DAY, 316 00:13:58,001 --> 00:14:00,303 AND YOU WANT HIM TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. 317 00:14:00,305 --> 00:14:03,343 OH, YES, I KNEW I'D FORGOTTEN SOMETHING. 318 00:14:03,345 --> 00:14:05,903 THE DEVIL'S IN THE DETAIL. 319 00:14:05,905 --> 00:14:07,088 SO, MOVING ON THEN. 320 00:14:07,089 --> 00:14:11,471 JIM, WITH LIMITED EXPECTATIONS, WHAT DID YOU DO? 321 00:14:19,345 --> 00:14:21,903 "DEAR TONY BLAIR, 322 00:14:21,905 --> 00:14:24,847 "OR MARGARET THATCHER... 323 00:14:27,057 --> 00:14:29,359 DELETE AS APPLICABLE." 324 00:14:31,314 --> 00:14:34,447 NO, I PROMISE YOU, IT'S DEFINITELY TONY BLAIR. 325 00:14:34,449 --> 00:14:36,847 ALL RIGHT. RIGHT. 326 00:14:36,849 --> 00:14:42,576 "DEAR TONY BLAIR, DELETE AS APPLICABLE." 327 00:14:42,578 --> 00:14:44,688 NO, WE'VE DELETED "AS APPLICABLE," HAVEN'T WE, 328 00:14:44,690 --> 00:14:46,416 SO IT'S JUST "DEAR TONY BLAIR." 329 00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:49,423 "DEAR TONY BLAIR, 330 00:14:49,425 --> 00:14:57,135 "NO--NO--NO--NO-- NO MORE CHILDREN DYING, 331 00:14:57,137 --> 00:15:00,975 "WHEN WE DO ACTUALLY KNOW--KNOW-- 332 00:15:00,977 --> 00:15:03,983 "KNOW HOW TO SAVE THEIR LIVES. 333 00:15:03,985 --> 00:15:09,039 "NO--NO-- NO EXCUSES. 334 00:15:10,674 --> 00:15:12,175 "NO-- 335 00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:13,839 NO MORE. 336 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:22,288 YOURS SINCERELY, JIM TROTT." 337 00:15:22,290 --> 00:15:26,511 WELL, THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT, ACTUALLY, JIM. 338 00:15:26,513 --> 00:15:29,359 IT'S A BIT BRIEF, BUT THAT IS THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT. 339 00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:30,351 WELL DONE. 340 00:15:34,961 --> 00:15:36,336 WHAT ARE YOU READING? 341 00:15:36,338 --> 00:15:38,256 THE BOOK OF GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS. 342 00:15:38,258 --> 00:15:40,303 I'M LOOKING UP THE OLDEST PERSON EVER TO HAVE A BABY, 343 00:15:40,305 --> 00:15:41,967 AND IT'S ROSANNA DELLA CORTE, 344 00:15:41,969 --> 00:15:43,920 WHO GAVE BIRTH WHEN SHE WAS 63. 345 00:15:43,922 --> 00:15:45,295 WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING THAT? 346 00:15:45,297 --> 00:15:46,255 WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND 347 00:15:46,257 --> 00:15:48,079 CONSOLING FACTS FOR THE VICAR. 348 00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,415 SHE SEEMED RATHER UPSET ABOUT HER BIRTHDAY. 349 00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,783 OH, THE FUSS WOMEN MAKE ABOUT LITTLE THINGS. 350 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,159 WHEN WOULD YOU EVER FIND A MAN 351 00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:56,271 GETTING ALL MOODY ABOUT SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL? 352 00:15:56,273 --> 00:15:57,519 GOOD POINT. 353 00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:58,735 BUT REMIND ME, FATHER, WHAT DID YOU DO 354 00:15:58,737 --> 00:16:00,495 WHEN GERALD SIMS CALLED YOU "BALDY"? 355 00:16:00,497 --> 00:16:01,647 I FIRED HIM. 356 00:16:01,649 --> 00:16:03,183 AND THEN WHEN HE SAID, "WHEN IT'S HOT, 357 00:16:03,185 --> 00:16:04,176 "CAN I COME ROUND AND FRY AN EGG 358 00:16:04,178 --> 00:16:05,551 ON YOUR BRIGHT RED BALD PATCH?" 359 00:16:05,553 --> 00:16:06,991 I HEAD-BUTTED HIM. 360 00:16:06,993 --> 00:16:08,239 TWICE. 361 00:16:08,241 --> 00:16:10,671 WELL, THERE WASN'T ANY BLOOD THE FIRST TIME. 362 00:16:10,673 --> 00:16:13,615 LOOK, WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR POINT, HUGO? 363 00:16:13,617 --> 00:16:15,982 WELL, I'M JUST SAYING WE'RE ALL SENSITIVE ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS, 364 00:16:15,984 --> 00:16:17,583 AND IT'S FAIR ENOUGH FOR THE VICAR 365 00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:19,503 TO BE WORRIED ABOUT GETTING OLDER. 366 00:16:19,505 --> 00:16:22,031 SHE'S 40, SHE HASN'T GOT ANY CHILDREN, 367 00:16:22,033 --> 00:16:23,566 AND SHE HASN'T GOT A MAN WHO LOVES HER. 368 00:16:23,568 --> 00:16:25,839 OWEN DOESN'T COUNT? 369 00:16:25,841 --> 00:16:28,176 NO, OWEN IS MORE BEAST THAN HUMAN. 370 00:16:28,178 --> 00:16:30,191 YES, TRUE, YES. 371 00:16:30,192 --> 00:16:31,471 HELLO, DARLING. 372 00:16:31,473 --> 00:16:32,751 ( kissy noises ) 373 00:16:32,753 --> 00:16:33,903 HELLO, 374 00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:37,455 GRUMPY OLD GRANDPA BILLIARD-BALL HEAD. 375 00:16:37,457 --> 00:16:38,926 HELLO, ALICE. 376 00:16:38,928 --> 00:16:40,751 LOOK, WE SERIOUSLY DO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING 377 00:16:40,752 --> 00:16:42,255 ABOUT GERALDINE'S BIRTHDAY. 378 00:16:42,257 --> 00:16:43,695 SHE SAID WE SHOULD IGNORE IT. 379 00:16:43,697 --> 00:16:45,423 I KNOW, BUT IF WE DO IGNORE IT, 380 00:16:45,425 --> 00:16:47,471 IT'LL ONLY BE WORSE. IT'S LIKE... 381 00:16:47,472 --> 00:16:48,782 DAMNED IF WE DO, DAMNED IF WE DON'T. 382 00:16:48,784 --> 00:16:51,055 NO, NO, NO, NO, IT'S LIKE... 383 00:16:51,057 --> 00:16:52,495 BETWEEN THE DEVIL AND THE DEEP BLUE SEA? 384 00:16:52,497 --> 00:16:56,783 NO, IT'S-- IT'S LIKE CYSTITIS. 385 00:16:56,785 --> 00:17:00,751 IF YOU IGNORE IT, IT ONLY GETS WORSE. 386 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,119 SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS DEAD. 387 00:17:03,121 --> 00:17:04,975 SO I THOUGHT WE SHOULD HOLD A MEETING, 388 00:17:04,977 --> 00:17:06,543 YOU KNOW, JUST TO SORT THINGS OUT. 389 00:17:06,545 --> 00:17:08,111 WHERE? I THOUGHT HERE. 390 00:17:08,113 --> 00:17:09,775 WHEN? ( door bell rings ) 391 00:17:09,777 --> 00:17:12,143 NOW. 392 00:17:12,145 --> 00:17:15,887 NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, BISHOP. 40'S FINE, ISN'T IT? 393 00:17:15,889 --> 00:17:19,183 IT'S 50 THAT'S THE SHITTY ONE! 394 00:17:19,185 --> 00:17:20,783 HOW OLD ARE YOU, BY THE WAY? 395 00:17:20,785 --> 00:17:22,095 54. 396 00:17:22,097 --> 00:17:25,039 RIGHT. AND HOW OLD'S TODD? 397 00:17:25,041 --> 00:17:28,304 IS HE, 22? GOODNESS GRACIOUS. 398 00:17:28,305 --> 00:17:31,599 YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED. 399 00:17:31,601 --> 00:17:34,735 LOOK, I'VE GOT TO GO, UM, YEAH, MY EGG'S GETTING COLD. 400 00:17:34,737 --> 00:17:37,742 OKAY. OKAY, THANKS. BYE. 401 00:17:37,744 --> 00:17:40,080 22! 402 00:17:43,248 --> 00:17:47,023 ( woman's voice on radio ) YES, YES. AND THIS YEAR I REACHED THE BIG FOUR-O, 403 00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:49,328 AND I THOUGHT, IT'S OKAY, IT REALLY IS. 404 00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:51,248 GOOD ON YA, SISTER. 405 00:17:51,249 --> 00:17:53,391 YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF. 406 00:17:53,393 --> 00:17:55,951 YEAH, QUITE RIGHT, YOU CLEVER WOMAN. 407 00:17:55,953 --> 00:17:57,327 AND NOW I CAN JUST SIT BACK 408 00:17:57,329 --> 00:18:00,143 AND ENJOY MY ADORABLE, SEXY HUSBAND, 409 00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:01,486 MY THREE WONDERFUL CHILDREN, 410 00:18:01,488 --> 00:18:02,863 AND ALL THE BENEFITS THAT COME 411 00:18:02,865 --> 00:18:04,495 FROM A MULTI-MILLION POUND BUSINESS. 412 00:18:04,497 --> 00:18:07,887 YEAH, ALL RIGHT! SHUT IT, YOU GREEDY WITCH! 413 00:18:09,617 --> 00:18:11,855 ORDER. 414 00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:14,830 ORDER! I'M IN THE CHAIR. 415 00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:17,551 NOW, I KNOW THE VICAR DOESN'T WANT A PARTY, 416 00:18:17,553 --> 00:18:19,919 BUT WE'VE AT LEAST GOT TO GET HER A PRESENT. 417 00:18:19,921 --> 00:18:22,255 HMM? ANY IDEAS ON WHAT SHE MIGHT LIKE? 418 00:18:22,257 --> 00:18:24,079 MEL GIBSON. 419 00:18:24,081 --> 00:18:25,231 OH. 420 00:18:25,233 --> 00:18:26,735 David: YOU THINK YOU CAN BUY MEL GIBSON? 421 00:18:26,737 --> 00:18:28,303 NO--NO--NO--NO, 422 00:18:28,305 --> 00:18:31,055 BUT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO RENT HIM FOR AN HOUR OR TWO. 423 00:18:31,057 --> 00:18:34,703 OF COURSE, HE'S VERY KEEN ON THE CHURCH. 424 00:18:34,705 --> 00:18:37,039 HE MADE THAT FILM ABOUT JESUS. 425 00:18:37,041 --> 00:18:38,222 OH, THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. 426 00:18:38,224 --> 00:18:40,655 THAT FILM MADE ME VERY ANGRY. ME TOO. 427 00:18:40,657 --> 00:18:43,343 AN 18-CERTIFICATE FILM WITH THE WORD "PASSION" IN THE TITLE, 428 00:18:43,344 --> 00:18:47,119 AND NOT ONE SCENE OF GRATUITOUS SEX. 429 00:18:47,121 --> 00:18:49,423 I'VE COMPLAINED TO TRADING STANDARDS. 430 00:18:49,425 --> 00:18:50,895 SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, 431 00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,430 JUST BECAUSE HE MADE THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST, 432 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:53,871 YOU THINK MEL GIBSON WOULD BE HAPPY 433 00:18:53,873 --> 00:18:56,110 TO COME ROUND AND BONK OUR VICAR? 434 00:18:56,112 --> 00:18:57,743 WELL, STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. 435 00:18:57,744 --> 00:18:59,695 NO, THEY HAVEN'T. 436 00:18:59,697 --> 00:19:02,415 WHATEVER, WE MUST DO SOMETHING, 437 00:19:02,417 --> 00:19:03,886 WE LOVE HER SO MUCH. 438 00:19:03,888 --> 00:19:05,135 ( door bell rings ) I'LL GET IT, 439 00:19:05,137 --> 00:19:07,119 KEEP THINKING, CLEVER CLOGGSIES. 440 00:19:07,121 --> 00:19:09,167 YES. 441 00:19:12,528 --> 00:19:13,486 OH, HI. HI, ALICE. 442 00:19:13,488 --> 00:19:14,735 I'VE JUST BEEN LISTENING 443 00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:16,591 TO THIS SMUG COW ON THE RADIO, 444 00:19:16,592 --> 00:19:19,631 AND SHE'S LEFT ME FEELING UTTERLY DESOLATE AND UNFULFILLED. 445 00:19:19,633 --> 00:19:21,326 I WAS JUST WONDERING IF I COULD COME IN 446 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,735 AND BE SURROUNDED BY LOVING FRIENDS? 447 00:19:22,737 --> 00:19:25,102 NOT REALLY, IT'S A BAD TIME. 448 00:19:28,144 --> 00:19:31,342 ANY THOUGHTS, EINSTEINIES? 449 00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:34,447 WELL, I THOUGHT MAYBE SOME SORT OF CREAM. 450 00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:38,031 OH, YES, YES, THAT SOUNDS VERY FRUITY. 451 00:19:38,033 --> 00:19:41,486 I MEAN, MORE THE SORT OF ANTI-AGEING CREAM. 452 00:19:41,488 --> 00:19:43,246 THAT ONE YOU SEE ON TELEVISION-- 453 00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:47,182 REMOVES ALL SEVEN SIGNS OF AGEING. 454 00:19:47,184 --> 00:19:48,431 THAT IS A VERY GOOD IDEA. 455 00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:49,647 WE'LL DEFINITELY GET SOME OF THAT. 456 00:19:49,649 --> 00:19:51,182 BRAVO, FRANK. 457 00:19:51,184 --> 00:19:52,942 WHAT ARE THE SEVEN SIGNS OF AGEING, THEN? 458 00:19:52,944 --> 00:19:55,886 GOOD QUESTION. THEY NEVER TELL YOU ON THE ADS. 459 00:19:55,888 --> 00:19:58,606 WELL, WRINKLES, THAT WOULD BE ONE. 460 00:19:58,608 --> 00:20:00,079 YES, AND HAIR LOSS. 461 00:20:00,081 --> 00:20:01,390 OH, RIGHT. 462 00:20:03,472 --> 00:20:05,807 AND TOOTH LOSS, I SUPPOSE. 463 00:20:05,808 --> 00:20:07,150 NICE ONE, OWEN. 464 00:20:07,152 --> 00:20:08,270 AND BREAST SAG. 465 00:20:08,272 --> 00:20:09,967 OH, DON'T TELL ME. 466 00:20:09,969 --> 00:20:11,054 HOW MANY'S THAT? 467 00:20:11,056 --> 00:20:12,335 THAT'S FOUR. THREE TO GO. 468 00:20:12,337 --> 00:20:14,415 WHAT ABOUT ARSE SAG? 469 00:20:14,417 --> 00:20:15,375 FIVE. 470 00:20:15,377 --> 00:20:16,655 SENILITY. 471 00:20:16,657 --> 00:20:18,159 WHAT'S THAT? 472 00:20:18,161 --> 00:20:20,206 WHEN YOUR BRAIN GOES WONKY 473 00:20:20,208 --> 00:20:23,343 AND YOU CAN'T, SAY... ( babbles ) 474 00:20:23,344 --> 00:20:24,430 SORRY, WHERE WAS I? 475 00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:26,735 SENILITY IS SIX. WHAT ABOUT SEVEN? 476 00:20:26,737 --> 00:20:27,759 I'VE GOT IT. 477 00:20:27,761 --> 00:20:30,414 OH, WHAT, JIM? ACTUALLY DYING. 478 00:20:32,336 --> 00:20:34,702 THAT'S DEFINITELY A SIGN OF AGEING. 479 00:20:34,704 --> 00:20:36,399 SEVEN, THAT IS IT! 480 00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:38,319 WELL DONE, EVERYONE! 481 00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,335 MUST BE ONE HELL OF A CREAM. 482 00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:45,518 WAIT A MINUTE, I HAVE HAD A BRILLIANT IDEA. 483 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,766 OH, DEAR. 484 00:20:46,768 --> 00:20:48,622 NO, NO, NO, NO, I KNOW IT'S NOT VERY LIKELY, 485 00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:50,414 'CAUSE I'VE HAD SOME BAD ONES BEFORE... 486 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:53,806 THE TIME MACHINE MADE OUT OF WEETABIX. 487 00:20:53,808 --> 00:20:57,038 FOR EXAMPLE. NO, BUT THIS TIME I THINK I'VE HAD 488 00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,407 A GENUINELY BRILLIANT IDEA. 489 00:20:59,409 --> 00:21:02,319 WHAT DOES GERALDINE MOST NEED? 490 00:21:02,321 --> 00:21:03,982 A VERGER WITH A BRAIN? 491 00:21:03,984 --> 00:21:04,942 NO. 492 00:21:04,944 --> 00:21:06,575 A GOOD SEEING-TO? GETTING CLOSE. 493 00:21:06,577 --> 00:21:08,079 A BOYFRIEND. 494 00:21:08,081 --> 00:21:10,415 SOMEONE TO GIVE HER A GOOD SEEING-TO ONCE IN A WHILE, 495 00:21:10,417 --> 00:21:12,782 BUT THE REST OF THE TIME TO BE A SOUL MATE 496 00:21:12,784 --> 00:21:14,383 AND A COMPANION THROUGH THE STORMY 497 00:21:14,385 --> 00:21:16,334 AND IRRATIONAL SEAS OF MODERN-DAY LIFE. 498 00:21:16,336 --> 00:21:20,751 EXACTLY. AND HOW DO WE GET A BOYFRIEND THESE DAYS? 499 00:21:20,753 --> 00:21:24,270 BLO--BLO--BLO-- BLOWJOBS, I'VE HEARD. 500 00:21:26,224 --> 00:21:29,230 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, BY DATING. 501 00:21:29,232 --> 00:21:31,375 BUT NOT LIKE DATING IN OUR DAY, 502 00:21:31,377 --> 00:21:33,007 BUT SPEED-DATING. 503 00:21:33,009 --> 00:21:36,558 IT'S WHERE, LIKE, 30 REALLY ATTRACTIVE MEN 504 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:40,142 AND 30 REALLY STUNNING SINGLE GIRLS MEET, 505 00:21:40,144 --> 00:21:42,158 AND THEY CHAT FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES EACH, 506 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:43,470 AND THEN AT THE END OF THE EVENING, 507 00:21:43,472 --> 00:21:45,679 THEY DECIDE WHO THEY WANT TO GO OUT WITH. 508 00:21:45,681 --> 00:21:47,855 THAT REALLY DOES SOUND PRETTY GOOD, ACTUALLY. 509 00:21:47,857 --> 00:21:50,606 AND WE COULD ENROL HER IN ONE OF THOSE ON HER BIRTHDAY, 510 00:21:50,608 --> 00:21:52,974 AND SHE'D BE CERTAIN TO FIND A BOYFRIEND, 511 00:21:52,976 --> 00:21:55,790 AND ALL HER PROBLEMS WOULD BE OVER. 512 00:21:55,792 --> 00:21:56,750 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 513 00:21:56,752 --> 00:21:57,839 I THINK IT'S BRILLIANT. 514 00:21:57,840 --> 00:21:59,534 ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR? 515 00:22:00,881 --> 00:22:02,734 MAYBE BREASTFEEDING REALLY DOES MAKE YOU SMARTER. 516 00:22:02,736 --> 00:22:05,230 IN WHICH CASE, I MUST BE THE CLEVEREST WOMAN 517 00:22:05,232 --> 00:22:09,294 IN THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT...BRITISH. 518 00:22:11,344 --> 00:22:12,942 MAYBE NOT. 519 00:22:14,448 --> 00:22:16,591 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 520 00:22:16,593 --> 00:22:18,638 WELL, AT FIRST I WAS ANGRY, 521 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,846 BECAUSE I DID SAY "NO PRESENTS," DIDN'T I? 522 00:22:20,848 --> 00:22:23,438 YES, WELL, WE DISAGREED. 523 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:24,398 AND THEN I WAS INSULTED, 524 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,518 BECAUSE IT MADE ME FEEL 525 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:26,990 LIKE A DESPERATE OLD SPINSTER. 526 00:22:26,992 --> 00:22:28,494 YES, THAT'S RIGHT. 527 00:22:28,496 --> 00:22:30,414 AND THEN I WAS SUSPICIOUS, 528 00:22:30,416 --> 00:22:32,238 BECAUSE IT CAN'T COST MORE THAN A TENNER 529 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:35,502 TO ENROL IN SUZIE'S SPEED DATING EXTRAVAGANZA, 530 00:22:35,504 --> 00:22:38,222 WHICH MEANS EACH OF YOU GOT OFF WITH TWO QUID. 531 00:22:38,224 --> 00:22:41,903 £1.50, ACTUALLY. 532 00:22:41,904 --> 00:22:46,415 BUT ON FOURTH THOUGHT, CAN'T DENY IT, 533 00:22:46,417 --> 00:22:48,718 I'M PRETTY EXCITED. 534 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,246 BRING ON THE BOYS. 535 00:22:51,248 --> 00:22:53,391 THE BABE IN BLACK IS BACK! 536 00:22:53,393 --> 00:22:54,574 All: OOH! 537 00:22:55,952 --> 00:22:57,167 YOU CAN DO IT. 538 00:22:57,169 --> 00:22:58,127 BYE. BYE. BYE, JIM. 539 00:22:58,129 --> 00:23:00,078 GOOD NIGHT, VICAR. GOOD LUCK, GIRL. 540 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,831 THANKS. BYE, DAVID. 541 00:23:02,833 --> 00:23:05,326 UM, I JUST WANT TO OWN UP TO THE FACT 542 00:23:05,328 --> 00:23:08,366 THAT I WON'T BE SIGNING THE LIVE AID LETTER. 543 00:23:08,368 --> 00:23:09,966 IT'S POINTLESS. 544 00:23:09,968 --> 00:23:12,654 WHAT POSSIBLE DIFFERENCE CAN IT MAKE TO THE PRIME MINISTER? 545 00:23:12,656 --> 00:23:14,798 WELL, IT MIGHT SHOW THAT WE CARE. 546 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:17,838 BUT DO WE? NOT DOWN MY WAY. 547 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,406 VERY OFTEN WE FINISH A ROUND OF GOLF 548 00:23:19,408 --> 00:23:20,750 AND PEOPLE ARE SAYING, 549 00:23:20,752 --> 00:23:22,446 "I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE PUTTING IN 550 00:23:22,448 --> 00:23:24,494 A NEW TRAFFIC LIGHT NEAR SAINSBURY'S." 551 00:23:24,496 --> 00:23:26,190 VERY RARELY DO THEY SAY, 552 00:23:26,192 --> 00:23:29,486 "I'M FURIOUS AT THE LEVEL OF AID TO BURKINA FASO." 553 00:23:29,488 --> 00:23:32,878 WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T SPEND ANY TIME IN BURKINA FASO. 554 00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,726 PERHAPS IF THEY STOPPED TO THINK THAT 30,000 POOR PEOPLE 555 00:23:35,728 --> 00:23:38,286 ARE DYING UNNECESSARILY EVERY DAY-- 556 00:23:38,288 --> 00:23:41,358 THEY'RE NOT REALLY PUTTING A TRAFFIC LIGHT 557 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:43,022 OUTSIDE SAINSBURY'S, ARE THEY?! 558 00:23:43,024 --> 00:23:44,015 THEY ARE. 559 00:23:44,017 --> 00:23:45,806 BUT THE TRAFFIC IS HELL THERE, ANYWAY. 560 00:23:45,808 --> 00:23:47,726 EVERY TIME I GO TO THE TRAIN STATION 561 00:23:47,728 --> 00:23:49,230 I HAVE TO LEAVE 45 MINUTES EARLY. 562 00:23:49,232 --> 00:23:51,118 IT'S ONLY AN 11-MINUTE DRIVE. 563 00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:52,751 YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME. I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO COMMUTE. 564 00:23:52,753 --> 00:23:56,942 THAT'S SHOCKING! ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL. 565 00:23:56,944 --> 00:23:58,511 ( sighs ) 566 00:23:58,513 --> 00:24:00,814 SORRY, WHERE WERE WE? 567 00:24:00,816 --> 00:24:02,063 BURKINA FASO. 568 00:24:02,065 --> 00:24:04,238 YES, WHAT ABOUT IT? 569 00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,030 30,000 PEOPLE DYING EVERY DAY. 570 00:24:06,032 --> 00:24:07,855 OH, RIGHT, YES, YES. 571 00:24:07,856 --> 00:24:10,126 ACTUALLY, THINK ABOUT THAT, DAVID, 572 00:24:10,128 --> 00:24:13,326 THAT'S 30 TIMES THE POPULATION OF THIS VILLAGE... 573 00:24:13,328 --> 00:24:14,798 EVERY DAY. 574 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,550 EVERYONE IN THIS VILLAGE, DEAD. 575 00:24:17,552 --> 00:24:19,470 YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME THAT'S A BAD THING? 576 00:24:19,472 --> 00:24:21,742 POINT TAKEN, BUT... 577 00:24:21,744 --> 00:24:24,431 OWEN DEAD, JIM DEAD, 578 00:24:24,432 --> 00:24:27,375 MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW TRAGICALLY STRUCK DOWN. 579 00:24:27,377 --> 00:24:30,158 WHAT ABOUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN? 580 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:35,374 YES, WELL... OBVIOUSLY, I'M ONLY JOKING. 581 00:24:35,376 --> 00:24:38,222 LET'S NOT JOKE FOR A WHILE. 582 00:24:38,223 --> 00:24:39,982 YOU DON'T HONESTLY THINK THAT PEOPLE IN POORER COUNTRIES 583 00:24:39,984 --> 00:24:41,902 LOVE THEIR CHILDREN LESS THAN WE DO? 584 00:24:41,904 --> 00:24:43,150 OF COURSE NOT. 585 00:24:43,152 --> 00:24:45,838 AND IF YOUR GRANDCHILD WAS DYING, GOD FORBID, 586 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,206 OR ABANDONED AND ALONE, WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO THINK 587 00:24:48,208 --> 00:24:50,926 THAT SOMEONE SOMEWHERE THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW 588 00:24:50,928 --> 00:24:53,039 WAS REALLY STICKING UP FOR THEM? 589 00:24:53,041 --> 00:24:55,662 YES, THAT WOULD BE NICE. 590 00:24:55,664 --> 00:24:58,510 BUT NOT VERY NICE IF THEY COULDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE. 591 00:24:58,512 --> 00:25:00,270 YEAH, BUT MAYBE WE CAN. 592 00:25:00,272 --> 00:25:04,878 ONE BIG PUSH THIS YEAR, AND WE MIGHT JUST SLICE POVERTY IN HALF. 593 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:06,190 WELL... 594 00:25:06,192 --> 00:25:07,791 MAYBE. 595 00:25:07,793 --> 00:25:11,598 YEAH. EXACTLY WHERE OUTSIDE SAINSBURY'S? 596 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,070 RIGHT ON TURNHAM STREET. 597 00:25:13,072 --> 00:25:15,854 NO! 598 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:22,670 HI, I'M SUZIE. 599 00:25:22,672 --> 00:25:23,885 HELLO. HI, GERALDINE. 600 00:25:23,887 --> 00:25:25,294 GERALDINE, NICE TO MEET YOU. 601 00:25:25,296 --> 00:25:26,510 HI. 602 00:25:26,512 --> 00:25:27,758 THERE AREN'T QUITE AS MANY 603 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,134 AS I MIGHT HAVE HOPED. 604 00:25:29,136 --> 00:25:30,638 NO. 605 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,582 NOT AS MANY WOMEN, BUT A GOOD TURNOUT ON THE MEN FRONT. 606 00:25:33,584 --> 00:25:36,142 OH, WELL, THAT SUITS ME. LET ME AT 'EM. 607 00:25:36,144 --> 00:25:37,518 YES. 608 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:39,694 THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY TREAT, YOU SEE. 609 00:25:39,696 --> 00:25:41,422 OH, LOVELY. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 610 00:25:41,424 --> 00:25:43,214 THANK YOU, YES. 611 00:25:43,216 --> 00:25:45,614 SO, WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE HEAVENLY HUNKS? 612 00:25:45,616 --> 00:25:48,302 OH, WELL, WE KEEP THEM SEPARATE IN ANOTHER ROOM. 613 00:25:48,304 --> 00:25:50,798 DON'T WANT PEOPLE GETTING TOO FRISKY BEFOREHAND. 614 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:54,478 ALL RIGHT. THEY GET FRISKY, DO THEY? GREAT! 615 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:58,126 DO YOU MIND IF I SAY SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT PERSONAL? 616 00:25:58,128 --> 00:26:01,485 OH, WHAT. IT'S TOO MANY DOUGHNUTS, ISN'T IT, I KNOW. 617 00:26:01,487 --> 00:26:02,990 NO, NO, IT'S THE DOG COLLAR. 618 00:26:02,992 --> 00:26:04,686 ARE YOU SURE IT'S A GOOD IDEA? 619 00:26:04,688 --> 00:26:05,870 SORRY? 620 00:26:05,872 --> 00:26:07,374 IT'S JUST YOU AND I KNOW 621 00:26:07,376 --> 00:26:08,813 THAT UNDER THAT COLLAR IS A NECK 622 00:26:08,815 --> 00:26:10,798 THAT WANTS TO BE KISSED, 623 00:26:10,799 --> 00:26:13,518 THEN SUCKED 'TILL THERE'S A BLAZING HICKY 624 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:15,054 THE SIZE OF MIDDLESEX. 625 00:26:15,056 --> 00:26:19,469 BUT YOUR NORMAL CHAP MIGHT SEE IT AS A BIT OF A STOP SIGN. 626 00:26:19,471 --> 00:26:21,389 YOU ARE SO RIGHT ABOUT THAT. 627 00:26:21,391 --> 00:26:23,534 UM...WELL, I'LL JUST TAKE IT OFF. 628 00:26:23,536 --> 00:26:24,782 JUST ABSOLUTELY TAKE IT OFF. 629 00:26:24,784 --> 00:26:27,309 LIKE THAT, THERE. THAT'S IT, YEAH. OKAY? 630 00:26:27,311 --> 00:26:28,558 LOVELY. 631 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:29,582 DOESN'T LOOK TOO BRAZEN? 632 00:26:29,584 --> 00:26:31,149 I DON'T WANT TO APPEAR TO BE 633 00:26:31,151 --> 00:26:33,069 SOME KIND OF CHEAP, EASY LAY OR ANYTHING. 634 00:26:33,071 --> 00:26:34,606 NO, NO, IT'S ABSOLUTELY FINE. 635 00:26:34,608 --> 00:26:35,918 OKAY, THANKS. 636 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,134 OH, HI, HI, I'M SUZIE. 637 00:26:37,136 --> 00:26:39,118 I'M HETTY. HETTY. 638 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:40,718 ON THE OTHER HAND... 639 00:26:43,792 --> 00:26:45,134 HELLO. HELLO, HI. 640 00:26:45,136 --> 00:26:47,182 HI, I'M HETTY. HI. 641 00:26:47,184 --> 00:26:49,998 HI, I'M GERALDINE. BUT YOU CAN CALL ME GRANNY. 642 00:26:55,087 --> 00:26:57,518 IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT, 643 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:01,709 MY BOSOMS AND YOUR HIPS ARE EXACTLY THE SAME HEIGHT. 644 00:27:01,711 --> 00:27:03,502 VIVRE LA DIFFERENCE. 645 00:27:05,232 --> 00:27:06,862 ( sighs ) 646 00:27:06,864 --> 00:27:08,974 LITTLE BIT SURPRISED YOU HAVEN'T GOT A BOYFRIEND ALREADY, HETTY. 647 00:27:08,976 --> 00:27:12,269 WELL NO, ACTUALLY, I DO HAVE ONE. 648 00:27:12,271 --> 00:27:13,998 IN FACT, THERE'S A COUPLE OF GUYS 649 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:15,822 WHO I'M HAVING A BIT OF A SCENE WITH, 650 00:27:15,824 --> 00:27:16,814 BUT I'M NOT REALLY COMPLETELY 651 00:27:16,816 --> 00:27:17,966 HAPPY WITH EITHER OF THEM, 652 00:27:17,968 --> 00:27:19,853 SO...I THOUGHT I'D GIVE THIS A GO. 653 00:27:19,855 --> 00:27:21,550 RIGHT. RIGHT. 654 00:27:21,552 --> 00:27:24,462 ( coughing ) GREEDY BITCH, AHEM! 655 00:27:24,464 --> 00:27:26,542 SORRY? SORRY? 656 00:27:26,543 --> 00:27:29,966 NO, JUST ( coughs ) JEZEBEL! 657 00:27:29,968 --> 00:27:32,974 RIGHT, OKAY, WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD BE GETTING ON. 658 00:27:32,976 --> 00:27:35,662 SO, UM, WHEN THE BUZZER GOES, GIRLS, 659 00:27:35,664 --> 00:27:39,149 YOU MOVE ROOMS, AND THE GUYS WILL STAY WHERE THEY ARE, OKAY? 660 00:27:39,151 --> 00:27:41,806 AND THEN AT THE END WE'LL ALL MEET BACK HERE FOR A DRINK, 661 00:27:41,808 --> 00:27:45,773 AND ANYONE WHO'S REALLY GOT ON CAN MAKE... 662 00:27:45,775 --> 00:27:46,797 LOVE? 663 00:27:46,799 --> 00:27:49,070 THEIR OWN ARRANGEMENTS. 664 00:27:49,072 --> 00:27:51,342 OF COURSE, OF COURSE, YES. 665 00:27:51,344 --> 00:27:54,254 OKAY, FOLLOW ME. 666 00:27:54,256 --> 00:27:55,278 OH, LOOK, HETTY, 667 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,286 YOU APPEAR TO HAVE LEFT YOUR BOTTOM AT HOME. 668 00:27:58,288 --> 00:27:59,694 RIGHT, HERE ARE THE BOOTHS. 669 00:27:59,695 --> 00:28:01,582 STRAIGHT DOWN TO THE FIRST ONE. 670 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,509 HAVE FUN. 671 00:28:08,144 --> 00:28:09,902 WOW! 672 00:28:09,904 --> 00:28:11,502 HELLO. 673 00:28:11,504 --> 00:28:13,518 HI, GERALDINE. 674 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:14,958 STEVE, HOW ARE YOU DOING? 675 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,069 RIGHT, I'M FINE, THANKS, YES. STEVE. 676 00:28:17,071 --> 00:28:18,798 YEAH. WOW. 677 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:20,493 SO, WHAT DO YOU DO? 678 00:28:20,495 --> 00:28:22,253 YOU A MALE MODEL OR SOMETHING? 679 00:28:22,255 --> 00:28:23,950 OH, WELL, YEAH. 680 00:28:23,952 --> 00:28:25,070 ARE YOU? 681 00:28:25,072 --> 00:28:26,925 YEAH. WELL, I'M NOT SURPRISED. 682 00:28:26,927 --> 00:28:31,725 I AM A BIT SURPRISED THAT YOU HAVEN'T GOT A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY. 683 00:28:31,727 --> 00:28:34,733 A LOT OF THE GIRLS IN MY LINE OF WORK ARE VERY SHALLOW. 684 00:28:34,735 --> 00:28:36,206 ARE THEY? 685 00:28:36,208 --> 00:28:39,470 YEAH. THEY'RE ALL BLONDE AND NO BRAINS AND BIG BOOBS AND... 686 00:28:39,472 --> 00:28:42,029 I'M JUST LOOKING FOR A REAL WOMAN, YOU KNOW, 687 00:28:42,031 --> 00:28:44,142 SOMEONE I CAN HAVE A LIFE WITH, A WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE, 688 00:28:44,144 --> 00:28:46,382 NOT SOMEONE THAT YOU JUST SHAG A COUPLE OF TIMES, 689 00:28:46,383 --> 00:28:48,078 HAVE INCREDIBLE, AMAZING SEX WITH, 690 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,189 AND MOVE ON FROM, YOU KNOW. 691 00:28:50,191 --> 00:28:52,173 I'M LOOKING FOR COMMITMENT, REALLY. 692 00:28:52,175 --> 00:28:53,262 ME TOO. 693 00:28:53,264 --> 00:28:54,509 REALLY? 694 00:28:54,511 --> 00:28:55,694 YEAH. 695 00:28:55,696 --> 00:28:57,869 WELL, ANYWAY, WHAT ABOUT YOU, WHAT DO YOU DO? 696 00:28:57,871 --> 00:29:00,653 OH, I'M A VIC--TORIA CROSS MAKER. 697 00:29:02,224 --> 00:29:03,310 WOW, REALLY? 698 00:29:03,311 --> 00:29:05,902 YEP, THAT'S WHAT I DO. 699 00:29:05,904 --> 00:29:10,445 MAKE VICTORIA CROSSES, FULL-TIME JOB. YEAH, YEAH. 700 00:29:10,447 --> 00:29:11,693 WOW. THEY'RE INCREDIBLY RARE, THOUGH, AREN'T THEY? 701 00:29:11,695 --> 00:29:14,765 THEY'VE ONLY AWARDED FOUR IN THE LAST TEN YEARS. 702 00:29:14,767 --> 00:29:16,718 YEAH, WORK'S PRETTY SLOW AT THE MOMENT. 703 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,213 YEAH. STILL, MOVING ON, 704 00:29:19,215 --> 00:29:21,133 DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME ME ME ALL THE TIME. 705 00:29:21,135 --> 00:29:23,757 GUESS WHAT. MY GRANDDAD WON A VICTORIA CROSS! 706 00:29:23,759 --> 00:29:25,485 NO? DID HE? YES, YES. 707 00:29:25,487 --> 00:29:26,893 I PROBABLY MADE THAT. YES. 708 00:29:26,895 --> 00:29:29,966 WHEN I WAS MUCH YOUNGER, OBVIOUSLY. 709 00:29:29,968 --> 00:29:31,182 OH, COME ON, YOU LOOK PRETTY YOUNG TO ME. 710 00:29:31,184 --> 00:29:32,750 NO, I DON'T. YOU DO. 711 00:29:32,752 --> 00:29:34,029 DO I? YEAH, YOU DO. 712 00:29:34,031 --> 00:29:35,246 DO I? DO YOU THINK? YOU DO, YOU REALLY... 713 00:29:35,247 --> 00:29:37,101 ( buzzer blares ) OH, BOLLOCKS! 714 00:29:37,103 --> 00:29:38,477 SORRY, DID I SAY BOLLOCKS THEN? 715 00:29:38,479 --> 00:29:40,237 OH, NO, THAT'S A TERRIBLE THING 716 00:29:40,239 --> 00:29:42,765 FOR A VIC--TORIA CROSS MAKER TO SAY. 717 00:29:42,767 --> 00:29:45,997 OH, DON'T BE SILLY. GERALDINE, I REALLY LIKE YOU. 718 00:29:45,999 --> 00:29:47,661 OH, I REALLY HOPE SO. 719 00:29:47,663 --> 00:29:49,965 I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SEEING A LOT MORE OF YOU LATER. 720 00:29:49,967 --> 00:29:52,621 I'D BETTER GO AND CHECK OUT THESE OTHER GUYS, THOUGH, HADN'T I? 721 00:29:52,623 --> 00:29:54,413 I'D BETTER DO THAT. 722 00:30:04,175 --> 00:30:08,685 WOW! BE STILL, MY BEATING EGGS. 723 00:30:10,767 --> 00:30:13,293 WHAT'S NEXT? ( breathes deeply ) 724 00:30:15,151 --> 00:30:16,109 JIM! 725 00:30:16,111 --> 00:30:17,805 YES. 726 00:30:17,807 --> 00:30:20,717 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? 727 00:30:20,719 --> 00:30:22,381 WELL, I THOUGHT IT SOUNDED RATHER FUN. 728 00:30:22,383 --> 00:30:24,078 IT CERTAINLY HAS BEEN SO FAR. 729 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,445 THAT OTHER GIRL, SHE'S A BIT TASTY. 730 00:30:26,447 --> 00:30:28,782 WELL, YES, SHE'S A BIT ALL BLONDE 731 00:30:28,784 --> 00:30:31,373 AND BOOBS AND NO BRAINS THOUGH, DIDN'T YOU THINK? 732 00:30:31,375 --> 00:30:32,622 I MEAN, THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN 733 00:30:32,624 --> 00:30:34,574 WHO DON'T GO FOR THAT SORT OF SHALLOW STUFF. 734 00:30:34,576 --> 00:30:36,877 NO--NO--NO, THERE AREN'T. 735 00:30:36,879 --> 00:30:38,318 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 736 00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:40,398 TOO MANY BUTTONS UNDONE, NOT ENOUGH? 737 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:44,174 WELL, TRICKY. I THINK SHE COULD HAVE UNDONE ANOTHER ONE, 738 00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:46,125 YOU KNOW, REVEAL HER CLEAVAGE A BIT, YOU KNOW. 739 00:30:46,127 --> 00:30:47,469 NO, MY BUTTONS, JIM. 740 00:30:47,471 --> 00:30:49,965 WHAT ABOUT MY BUTTONS? WHAT ABOUT MY CLEAVAGE? 741 00:30:49,967 --> 00:30:52,814 WELL, I'M NOT REALLY BOTHERED, NOW I'VE SEEN HER. 742 00:30:52,815 --> 00:30:54,957 ( buzzer blares ) 743 00:30:54,959 --> 00:30:56,205 TIME TO MOVE ON. 744 00:30:57,391 --> 00:30:59,438 NO OFFENCE, JIM, BUT I THINK 745 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:02,509 I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT YOU'D BETTER NOT RELY ON ME. 746 00:31:02,511 --> 00:31:04,461 OH, DITTO. 747 00:31:05,935 --> 00:31:08,717 HOW'S IT GOING? BIT OF A MIXED BAG. 748 00:31:08,719 --> 00:31:11,309 I THINK YOU'LL BE REALLY IMPRESSED BY THE NEXT ONE, 749 00:31:11,311 --> 00:31:13,805 WHAT I WOULD CALL A REAL MAN. 750 00:31:13,807 --> 00:31:16,749 OH. YUMMY. 751 00:31:19,951 --> 00:31:21,069 OWEN. 752 00:31:21,071 --> 00:31:24,142 YOUR ROYAL BABENESS. 753 00:31:24,143 --> 00:31:27,022 WHAT IN HELL'S HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? 754 00:31:27,023 --> 00:31:28,557 IT SOUNDED LIKE MY CUP OF TEA. 755 00:31:28,559 --> 00:31:32,301 LOTS OF DESPERATE WOMEN LOOKING FOR LOVE IN A CONFINED AREA. 756 00:31:32,303 --> 00:31:35,469 THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SPECIAL TREAT, ISN'T IT? 757 00:31:35,471 --> 00:31:37,677 YOU KNOW, MEETING LOTS OF EXCITING MEN. 758 00:31:37,679 --> 00:31:40,237 ♪ TA-DA! ♪ 759 00:31:40,239 --> 00:31:42,765 WHO DON'T REEK OF MANURE. 760 00:31:42,767 --> 00:31:45,485 FAIR POINT. THOUGH THAT OTHER GIRL DIDN'T SEEM TO NOTICE, 761 00:31:45,487 --> 00:31:47,469 AND SHE WAS A TOTAL HOT TOTTY. 762 00:31:47,471 --> 00:31:50,637 YES, NOT EVERYONE'S TASTE, I THINK YOU'LL FIND. 763 00:31:50,639 --> 00:31:52,046 HMM, THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK. 764 00:31:52,048 --> 00:31:53,133 ( buzzer blares ) 765 00:31:53,135 --> 00:31:55,022 TIME TO MOVE ON, MERCIFULLY. 766 00:31:55,024 --> 00:31:56,461 WHAT'S THAT NAME ON YOUR LAPEL? 767 00:31:56,463 --> 00:31:58,158 BRAD. 768 00:31:58,160 --> 00:31:59,501 BRAD. 769 00:31:59,503 --> 00:32:01,453 ( sensual growl ) BRAAAD. 770 00:32:02,479 --> 00:32:05,229 I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE ME SEXIER. 771 00:32:05,231 --> 00:32:07,662 OH, YOU WERE SO WRONG. 772 00:32:07,664 --> 00:32:11,981 RIGHT. LOOK, YOU CAN BE HONEST, WHAT ARE MY CHANCES? 773 00:32:11,983 --> 00:32:17,133 IT WOULD BE STAGGERINGLY OPTIMISTIC TO SAY ZERO. 774 00:32:18,159 --> 00:32:19,341 BETTER THAN USUAL. 775 00:32:21,263 --> 00:32:22,989 THREESOME? 776 00:32:30,831 --> 00:32:32,749 GOOD LUCK IN THERE. 777 00:32:39,919 --> 00:32:41,773 ( clears throat ) 778 00:32:43,951 --> 00:32:47,118 OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE! 779 00:32:47,119 --> 00:32:49,069 WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR DRESS? 780 00:32:49,071 --> 00:32:51,949 WHAT? OH, YES, SORRY ABOUT THAT. 781 00:32:51,951 --> 00:32:55,149 BUTTONS KEEP COMING UNDONE. 782 00:32:55,150 --> 00:32:56,718 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 783 00:32:56,719 --> 00:33:00,558 AND WHAT IN DEEPEST, SICKEST HELL ARE YOU WEARING? 784 00:33:00,559 --> 00:33:02,030 WHAT DO YOU THINK? 785 00:33:02,032 --> 00:33:03,565 I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T TRY THIS LOOK YEARS AGO. 786 00:33:03,567 --> 00:33:06,029 BECAUSE YOU WERE SANE YEARS AGO. 787 00:33:06,031 --> 00:33:09,613 ONE SIMPLE QUESTION, DAVID--WHY? 788 00:33:09,615 --> 00:33:11,533 WELL, I'M A SINGLE MAN. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF-- 789 00:33:11,535 --> 00:33:13,484 "I'D LIKE TO STAY THAT WAY"? 790 00:33:13,486 --> 00:33:15,853 NO, I'D LIKE TO MEET SOME WOMEN. 791 00:33:15,855 --> 00:33:17,197 AND FRIGHTEN THEM. 792 00:33:18,415 --> 00:33:20,366 HOW ARE YOU GETTING ON? 793 00:33:20,367 --> 00:33:21,805 WELL, NOT GREAT. 794 00:33:21,807 --> 00:33:23,533 THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY BIRTHDAY TREAT, 795 00:33:23,535 --> 00:33:26,349 AND SO FAR I'VE SPENT THE WHOLE EVENING WITH THE MAD, 796 00:33:26,351 --> 00:33:28,109 THE BALD, AND THE UGLY. 797 00:33:28,111 --> 00:33:29,613 HAVEN'T YOU MET ANYONE? 798 00:33:29,615 --> 00:33:33,102 WELL, ACTUALLY, YEAH. I SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN. 799 00:33:33,103 --> 00:33:36,524 I THINK I MET MR. RIGHT AT THE VERY BEGINNING. 800 00:33:36,526 --> 00:33:38,157 OH, SURELY HE'LL GO FOR THAT GORGEOUS BLONDE 801 00:33:38,159 --> 00:33:39,885 WHO WAS IN HERE A FEW MINUTES AGO. 802 00:33:39,887 --> 00:33:43,852 I THINK YOU'LL FIND NOT. 803 00:33:43,854 --> 00:33:46,573 YOU MAY EVEN FIND A "DO NOT DISTURB" NOTICE 804 00:33:46,575 --> 00:33:49,197 ON THE FRONT OF THE VICARAGE TONIGHT. 805 00:33:49,199 --> 00:33:53,357 WITH SOME VERY NAUGHTY NOISES COMING FROM WITHIN. 806 00:33:56,686 --> 00:33:58,125 RIGHT, WELL, I APOLOGIZE 807 00:33:58,127 --> 00:33:59,693 FOR THE SLIGHT LACK OF BALANCE 808 00:33:59,695 --> 00:34:01,132 IN THE NUMBERS, 809 00:34:01,134 --> 00:34:03,565 BUT I THINK MOST OF YOU WILL GO AWAY HAPPY. 810 00:34:03,567 --> 00:34:07,148 SO I HAVE A LIST HERE OF WHO EVERYONE FANCIED, 811 00:34:07,150 --> 00:34:09,453 AND WE HAVE ONE PERFECT MATCH. 812 00:34:09,455 --> 00:34:10,797 OH... 813 00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:12,429 IT'S ALWAYS OUR DREAM THAT SOMEONE WILL SAY 814 00:34:12,431 --> 00:34:14,349 "HE'S THE ONE FOR ME," 815 00:34:14,351 --> 00:34:16,205 AND EXACTLY THE SAME PERSON WILL SAY 816 00:34:16,207 --> 00:34:19,245 "SHE'S THE ONE FOR ME." 817 00:34:19,247 --> 00:34:23,437 TONIGHT, FOR TWO OF YOU, THAT DREAM HAS COME TRUE. 818 00:34:23,439 --> 00:34:27,917 SO, STEVE, I HOPE YOU HAVE 819 00:34:27,919 --> 00:34:30,509 A LOVELY DATE WITH... 820 00:34:30,511 --> 00:34:32,557 HETTY. 821 00:34:32,559 --> 00:34:34,381 HETTY. OH! 822 00:34:39,598 --> 00:34:41,101 OH, THAT'S LOVELY. 823 00:34:41,103 --> 00:34:42,061 THAT'S LOVELY, YES. 824 00:34:42,063 --> 00:34:43,597 WILL YOU EXCUSE ME JUST A MOMENT? 825 00:34:43,599 --> 00:34:44,781 OF COURSE. THANK YOU. 826 00:34:45,743 --> 00:34:46,861 BASTARD! 827 00:34:48,783 --> 00:34:50,221 THANK YOU. 828 00:34:50,223 --> 00:34:51,981 OKAY. 829 00:34:51,983 --> 00:34:54,445 RIGHT, GERALDINE, NOW YOU. 830 00:34:54,447 --> 00:34:57,293 YOU ACTUALLY ONLY TICKED STEVE. 831 00:34:57,295 --> 00:34:58,317 YES. 832 00:34:58,319 --> 00:34:59,405 HE'S GONE. 833 00:34:59,406 --> 00:35:00,589 "HE'S GONE." 834 00:35:00,591 --> 00:35:02,701 SO, I'M SURE YOU CAN BEND JUST A LITTLE, 835 00:35:02,703 --> 00:35:06,381 CONSIDERING EVERY ONE OF THESE CHARMING GENTLEMEN 836 00:35:06,383 --> 00:35:07,628 TICKED YOU ON THEIR CARDS. 837 00:35:07,630 --> 00:35:09,356 OH, GOD! 838 00:35:09,358 --> 00:35:11,629 SO, WHO DO YOU CHOOSE, 839 00:35:11,631 --> 00:35:13,773 JIM... 840 00:35:13,775 --> 00:35:16,141 DAVE... 841 00:35:16,143 --> 00:35:19,405 OR BRAD? 842 00:35:19,407 --> 00:35:21,613 THREE SUCH MAGNIFICENT SPECIMENS, 843 00:35:21,615 --> 00:35:23,756 WHAT MORE COULD A WOMAN WANT? 844 00:35:23,758 --> 00:35:25,485 WELL, I MIGHT WANT A MAN WHO WOULDN'T FRIGHTEN ME 845 00:35:25,487 --> 00:35:26,764 WHEN HE TOOK HIS CLOTHES OFF. 846 00:35:27,886 --> 00:35:32,109 I MIGHT WANT A WEDDING RING AND A BABY. 847 00:35:32,111 --> 00:35:36,397 STILL, YOU CAN'T HAVE EVERYTHING, CAN YOU? 848 00:35:36,399 --> 00:35:41,261 Female Duet: ♪ I NEVER WILL MARRY ♪ 849 00:35:41,263 --> 00:35:46,381 ♪ I'LL BE NO MAN'S WIFE ♪ 850 00:35:46,383 --> 00:35:51,565 ♪ I EXPECT TO LIVE SINGLE ♪ 851 00:35:51,567 --> 00:35:56,685 ♪ ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE ♪ 852 00:35:56,687 --> 00:36:01,261 NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL A VERY BAD BIRTHDAY. 853 00:36:01,263 --> 00:36:02,893 ( doorbell rings ) 854 00:36:02,895 --> 00:36:04,717 COMING. 855 00:36:09,551 --> 00:36:10,989 EVENING, VICAR. 856 00:36:10,991 --> 00:36:12,045 GOOD EVENING. 857 00:36:12,047 --> 00:36:14,861 EVENING, VICAR. HELLO. 858 00:36:19,278 --> 00:36:22,509 SORRY THE DATING WAS A TOTAL DISASTER, 859 00:36:22,511 --> 00:36:25,389 SO WE'VE COME UP WITH AN ALTERNATIVE PRESENT. 860 00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:27,116 WHAT, WE'RE GOING TO DANCE REELS, ARE WE? 861 00:36:27,118 --> 00:36:30,413 NO. WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE A BABY. 862 00:36:30,414 --> 00:36:32,972 AND SINCE YOU CAN'T GET A MAN TO GIVE YOU ONE, 863 00:36:32,974 --> 00:36:35,789 WE THOUGHT MAYBE HUGO COULD HELP YOU OUT. 864 00:36:39,279 --> 00:36:41,612 HE'S ALREADY GIVEN ME EIGHT CHILDREN. 865 00:36:41,614 --> 00:36:42,893 TEN. 866 00:36:42,894 --> 00:36:44,653 TEN CHILDREN, 867 00:36:44,655 --> 00:36:49,325 SO I CAN GUARANTEE HE IS TOP QUALITY STUFF. 868 00:36:49,327 --> 00:36:51,085 RIGHT. 869 00:36:51,087 --> 00:36:55,117 THOUGH OBVIOUSLY THERE IS NOTHING SEXUAL ABOUT IT. 870 00:36:55,119 --> 00:36:58,636 HUGO DOESN'T FIND YOU REMOTELY ATTRACTIVE. 871 00:36:58,638 --> 00:37:01,420 THANKS. THAT'S NICE TO KNOW. 872 00:37:01,422 --> 00:37:03,532 AND WE KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE MEL GIBSON, 873 00:37:03,534 --> 00:37:05,773 SO HE'S DRESSED UP AS BRAVEHEART 874 00:37:05,775 --> 00:37:08,013 JUST TO HELP YOU GET IN THE MOOD. 875 00:37:08,015 --> 00:37:11,533 RIGHT. IN THE MOOD FOR WHAT? SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE? 876 00:37:11,535 --> 00:37:13,581 "THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, 877 00:37:13,583 --> 00:37:16,172 BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM." 878 00:37:16,174 --> 00:37:18,253 SORRY ABOUT THE ACCENT. 879 00:37:18,255 --> 00:37:20,365 WELL IT'S BETTER THAN MEL'S. 880 00:37:20,367 --> 00:37:23,053 THANKS VERY MUCH, LASSIE. 881 00:37:23,055 --> 00:37:27,469 WELL, I--I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, REALLY. 882 00:37:27,471 --> 00:37:30,061 I'M OBVIOUSLY VERY TOUCHED, 883 00:37:30,063 --> 00:37:32,236 NOT QUITE AS TOUCHED AS YOU TWO, 884 00:37:32,238 --> 00:37:36,589 BUT I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY NO. 885 00:37:36,591 --> 00:37:39,853 BUT IT'S OUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT. 886 00:37:39,855 --> 00:37:40,909 ( doorbell rings ) 887 00:37:40,911 --> 00:37:42,349 OH, SAVED BY THE BELL THERE. 888 00:37:45,167 --> 00:37:47,725 OH. OHH. 889 00:37:49,711 --> 00:37:50,989 RIGHT. 890 00:37:50,991 --> 00:37:52,589 WE'RE HERE AS RESERVES. 891 00:37:52,591 --> 00:37:56,812 IN CASE YOU DON'T FANCY BEING IMPREGNATED BY HUGO. 892 00:37:58,734 --> 00:37:59,789 MacNEWITT. 893 00:37:59,791 --> 00:38:00,908 MacTROTT. 894 00:38:00,910 --> 00:38:02,476 MacPICKLE. 895 00:38:04,654 --> 00:38:06,989 GO AWAY. 896 00:38:06,991 --> 00:38:08,205 WE CAN'T GO AWAY. 897 00:38:08,207 --> 00:38:09,836 IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL MEETING 898 00:38:09,838 --> 00:38:11,917 OF THE "OH, DEAR, WHAT A PITY, EVERYBODY'S DYING" 899 00:38:11,919 --> 00:38:13,612 GOODY-GOODY GUMDROPS GROUP. 900 00:38:13,614 --> 00:38:15,085 OH, YES, THAT'S RIGHT. 901 00:38:15,087 --> 00:38:17,228 LOOK, JUST GO HOME AND PUT YOUR TROUSERS ON 902 00:38:17,230 --> 00:38:18,829 AND COME BACK IN TEN MINUTES. 903 00:38:18,831 --> 00:38:22,732 I AM NOT HAVING THIS MEETING WITH THREE RANDY SCOTSMEN ON HEAT. 904 00:38:22,734 --> 00:38:24,204 WE SHALL RETURN. 905 00:38:24,206 --> 00:38:26,541 WHOO! OYE-YAH! 906 00:38:32,271 --> 00:38:34,349 OKAY, OKAY. 907 00:38:34,351 --> 00:38:36,813 WELCOME TO THE DIBLEY POVERTY ACTION COMMITTEE. 908 00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:39,981 TODAY IS THE DAY THAT WE'RE GOING TO DECIDE EXACTLY 909 00:38:39,983 --> 00:38:41,901 WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO, AND I HAVE TO SAY, 910 00:38:41,903 --> 00:38:44,781 I'VE BEEN REALLY ENCOURAGED BY THE IDEAS YOU'VE GIVEN ME SO FAR. 911 00:38:44,783 --> 00:38:46,413 GOOD. GOOD. 912 00:38:46,415 --> 00:38:49,709 I'M NOT SAYING THAT THERE AREN'T SOME COMPLICATIONS. 913 00:38:49,711 --> 00:38:53,229 OWEN, YOUR IDEA OF KILLING ALL THE RICH PEOPLE IN BRITAIN 914 00:38:53,231 --> 00:38:54,989 AND SPREADING THEIR MONEY AROUND 915 00:38:54,991 --> 00:38:58,829 HAS ACTUALLY BEEN DONE BEFORE IN RUSSIA IN THE LAST CENTURY. 916 00:38:58,831 --> 00:39:00,909 AND WHILST IT SEEMED LIKE QUITE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME, 917 00:39:00,911 --> 00:39:03,277 IT DIDN'T TURN OUT THAT WELL EVENTUALLY. 918 00:39:03,279 --> 00:39:04,300 PITY. 919 00:39:04,302 --> 00:39:06,476 HOW WERE YOU GOING TO DEFINE RICH? 920 00:39:06,478 --> 00:39:08,845 ANYONE WITH MORE MONEY THAN YOU AND HUGO... 921 00:39:08,847 --> 00:39:09,964 THANK GOD FOR THAT. 922 00:39:09,966 --> 00:39:12,269 ...WOULD BE KILLED ON THE FIRST DAY. 923 00:39:12,271 --> 00:39:14,797 ON THE SECOND DAY, WE'D WIPE OUT YOUR LOT. 924 00:39:14,799 --> 00:39:17,773 ONE EXTRA DAY. THAT'S A BONUS. 925 00:39:17,774 --> 00:39:21,325 JIM, YOU VERY KINDLY OFFERED 926 00:39:21,327 --> 00:39:23,245 TO HAVE SOME OF THE POOREST PEOPLE 927 00:39:23,247 --> 00:39:25,357 ACTUALLY COME AND STAY WITH YOU. 928 00:39:25,359 --> 00:39:26,956 IT'S THE LEAST I COULD DO. 929 00:39:26,958 --> 00:39:28,684 RIGHT. YOU'VE STIPULATED HERE YOU WANT 930 00:39:28,686 --> 00:39:30,604 "ANYONE HUNGRY AND FEMALE, 931 00:39:30,606 --> 00:39:34,284 "AND BETWEEN THE AGES OF 16 AND 22, 932 00:39:34,286 --> 00:39:38,221 PREFERABLY OF ORIENTAL EXTRACTION." 933 00:39:38,223 --> 00:39:39,405 THAT'S RIGHT. 934 00:39:39,407 --> 00:39:41,036 NO, JIM, THAT'S WRONG. 935 00:39:42,511 --> 00:39:45,325 FINALLY, FRANK, INTERESTING ONE FROM YOU. 936 00:39:45,327 --> 00:39:49,036 YOU'VE SUGGESTED THAT WE ALL FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF JAN PALACH. 937 00:39:49,038 --> 00:39:49,996 WHO'S THAT? 938 00:39:49,998 --> 00:39:51,564 HE WAS THE YOUNG MAN WHO TURNED HIMSELF 939 00:39:51,566 --> 00:39:54,029 INTO A HUMAN TORCH IN WENCESLAS SQUARE, 940 00:39:54,031 --> 00:39:56,268 WHEN THE RUSSIANS INVADED CZECHOSLOVAKIA. 941 00:39:56,270 --> 00:39:57,356 OKAY. 942 00:39:57,358 --> 00:40:00,525 WELL, ALL IN FAVOUR OF SETTING FIRE TO OURSELVES 943 00:40:00,526 --> 00:40:02,573 TO PROTEST AGAINST WORLD POVERTY? 944 00:40:03,790 --> 00:40:05,036 OKAY. 945 00:40:05,038 --> 00:40:07,597 AND ALL IN FAVOUR OF JUST FRANK DOING IT ON HIS OWN? 946 00:40:08,943 --> 00:40:11,116 OKAY. EXCELLENT. 947 00:40:11,118 --> 00:40:12,844 SO THAT IS IN FACT A POSSIBILITY. 948 00:40:12,846 --> 00:40:15,340 I APPRECIATE YOUR ENTHUSIASM, 949 00:40:15,342 --> 00:40:17,900 BUT WHILE WE'RE REFINING THOSE IDEAS, 950 00:40:17,902 --> 00:40:19,725 LET'S COMMIT TO A COUPLE OF SIMPLE THINGS. 951 00:40:19,726 --> 00:40:21,068 WHAT ARE THEY? 952 00:40:21,070 --> 00:40:23,148 WELL, LET'S SEND THOSE LETTERS TO THE PRIME MINISTER. 953 00:40:23,150 --> 00:40:25,900 MARGARET THATCHER'S GOING TO GET QUITE A SURPRISE 954 00:40:25,902 --> 00:40:27,469 WHEN SHE LOOKS IN HER MAILBOX. 955 00:40:27,471 --> 00:40:28,621 YES. 956 00:40:28,623 --> 00:40:30,316 AND SECONDLY, 957 00:40:30,318 --> 00:40:35,341 THERE IS A PLAN TO FIND ANY NATTY WHITE THING YOU MIGHT HAVE-- 958 00:40:35,342 --> 00:40:37,100 HERE, THERE YOU GO. LIKE THAT AND THAT, YOU KNOW. 959 00:40:37,102 --> 00:40:38,764 OH, I GOT ONE OF THESE FLICKY THINGS 960 00:40:38,766 --> 00:40:42,029 ON THE FRONT OF PONY MAGAZINE. 961 00:40:42,031 --> 00:40:43,180 WE'RE THINKING THAT YOU COULD WEAR THEM 962 00:40:43,182 --> 00:40:44,461 AS AN ARMBAND OR A BRACELET, 963 00:40:44,463 --> 00:40:45,773 YOU KNOW, TO SHOW YOUR SUPPORT. 964 00:40:45,775 --> 00:40:47,821 THAT'S A BIT OF A COMEDOWN, ISN'T IT? 965 00:40:47,822 --> 00:40:49,900 ONE MINUTE I'M OFFERING TO COMMIT MASS MURDER, 966 00:40:49,902 --> 00:40:53,101 AND NOW ALL YOU WANT ME TO DO IS WEAR A WHITE BRACELET. 967 00:40:53,103 --> 00:40:54,380 I'M NOT SURE IT'S GOING TO GO 968 00:40:54,382 --> 00:40:57,452 WITH WHAT I LIKE TO THINK OF AS MY SIMPLE COUNTRY STYLE. 969 00:40:57,454 --> 00:41:00,716 COULD I JUST WEAR, LET'S SAY, A WHITE SHIRT INSTEAD? 970 00:41:00,718 --> 00:41:02,093 NO, YOU CAN'T, DAVID. 971 00:41:02,095 --> 00:41:04,973 THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT YOU WEAR SOMETHING REALLY VISIBLE, 972 00:41:04,975 --> 00:41:06,893 YOU KNOW, TO SHOW THAT YOU WANT TO 973 00:41:06,895 --> 00:41:09,421 CRACK THE PROBLEM OF POVERTY ONCE AND FOR ALL. 974 00:41:09,423 --> 00:41:13,004 FAT CHANCE OF THAT. I COULDN'T EVEN CRACK RUBIK'S CUBE. 975 00:41:13,006 --> 00:41:15,277 DO YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING A DISTINCT FEELING 976 00:41:15,279 --> 00:41:17,036 OF NON-COMMITMENT IN THIS ROOM, 977 00:41:17,038 --> 00:41:18,796 WHICH IS A SHAME, REALLY, 978 00:41:18,798 --> 00:41:20,716 BECAUSE I WAS REALLY HOPING THAT YOU'D ALL COME WITH ME 979 00:41:20,718 --> 00:41:24,300 AND MARCH ON THE G-8 SUMMIT IN GLENEAGLES IN JULY, 980 00:41:24,302 --> 00:41:26,476 SPORTING YOUR ARMBANDS WITH PRIDE, 981 00:41:26,477 --> 00:41:27,916 AND, YOU KNOW, CARRYING YOUR BIG BANNERS SAYING, 982 00:41:27,918 --> 00:41:32,684 "WE'RE AS MAD AS HELL, AND WE'RE ACTUALLY MAD." 983 00:41:32,686 --> 00:41:34,604 PRETTY UNLIKELY, I THINK. 984 00:41:34,606 --> 00:41:36,268 I MIGHT POP UP FOR A GAME OF GOLF. 985 00:41:36,270 --> 00:41:38,956 OKAY. I KNOW WHEN I'M BEATEN. 986 00:41:38,957 --> 00:41:41,516 LOOK, THERE IS A WEBSITE ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF, 987 00:41:41,518 --> 00:41:43,756 SO WHY DON'T WE JUST HAVE A QUICK LOOK ON THAT, 988 00:41:43,757 --> 00:41:45,389 AND THEN WE'LL CALL IT A DAY, OKAY? 989 00:41:45,391 --> 00:41:46,349 GOOD IDEA. 990 00:41:48,078 --> 00:41:49,196 OKAY. 991 00:41:49,198 --> 00:41:51,693 OH, LOOK, IT'S HUGO WITH A BEARD. 992 00:41:51,694 --> 00:41:53,613 NO, ALICE, THAT'S GEORGE CLOONEY. 993 00:41:53,614 --> 00:41:54,860 OH, RIGHT. 994 00:41:54,862 --> 00:41:56,588 I'VE GOT A RABBIT ON MINE. 995 00:41:56,590 --> 00:41:58,956 MY PROBLEM WITH THIS THING IS, 996 00:41:58,958 --> 00:42:01,164 WHAT GOOD WILL WEARING IT DO, ANYWAY? 997 00:42:01,166 --> 00:42:02,476 WELL, IT WILL SHOW THE POLITICIANS 998 00:42:02,478 --> 00:42:05,484 THAT SAVING LIVES IS A TIP-TOP PRIORITY. 999 00:42:05,486 --> 00:42:08,077 YES, WELL, I'M NOT SURE THAT IT IS A TIP-TOP PRIORITY. 1000 00:42:08,079 --> 00:42:11,532 I MEAN, I'M VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE CONDOM MACHINE IN THE PUB. 1001 00:42:11,534 --> 00:42:14,252 YES, NOW, THAT IS AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE. 1002 00:42:14,254 --> 00:42:16,044 I TOLD THEM TO TAKE IT DOWN STRAIGHT AWAY. 1003 00:42:16,046 --> 00:42:18,412 NO--NO--NO, AND PUT UP A BIGGER ONE. 1004 00:42:18,414 --> 00:42:22,092 OH, DO SHUT UP, YOU MEN. I'VE FOUND IT. HERE, LOOK. 1005 00:42:22,094 --> 00:42:25,388 "makepovertyhistory.org 1006 00:42:25,390 --> 00:42:29,676 CLICK HERE IF YOU'RE UNDECIDED ABOUT WHETHER TO WEAR THE WHITE BAND." 1007 00:42:29,678 --> 00:42:32,333 OKAY, WELL, THAT IS DEFINITELY US, ISN'T IT? 1008 00:42:32,335 --> 00:42:34,253 OKAY, RIGHT. 1009 00:42:34,255 --> 00:42:35,532 WELL, GATHER ROUND, THEN. 1010 00:42:35,534 --> 00:42:38,093 COME ON, EVERYBODY. MAKE SURE YOU CAN SEE. 1011 00:42:38,095 --> 00:42:41,773 AND SEVERE PAIN TO ANYBODY WHO TALKS DURING THIS. 1012 00:42:41,775 --> 00:42:44,012 CAN WE WHISPER REALLY QUIETLY? 1013 00:42:44,014 --> 00:42:44,972 OHH! 1014 00:42:46,735 --> 00:42:48,812 I DID WARN YOU, OWEN. 1015 00:42:48,814 --> 00:42:53,036 RIGHT, CAN EVERYONE SEE? OKAY, HERE WE GO. 1016 00:43:09,871 --> 00:43:12,236 ( speaking foreign language ) 1017 00:44:28,366 --> 00:44:29,899 WELL, THERE WE GO. 1018 00:44:30,926 --> 00:44:32,844 I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. 1019 00:44:32,846 --> 00:44:36,204 THAT WAS RATHER MORE SERIOUS THAN I HAD EXPECTED. 1020 00:44:41,006 --> 00:44:45,963 YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS SORT OF THING WON'T DO AT ALL, WILL IT? 1021 00:44:45,965 --> 00:44:50,476 NO--NO--NO LONGER. 1022 00:44:52,398 --> 00:44:53,580 THANKS. 1023 00:44:55,086 --> 00:44:59,563 SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, BEST BIRTHDAY I'VE EVER HAD. 1024 00:45:01,614 --> 00:45:04,780 ♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD ♪ 1025 00:45:04,782 --> 00:45:07,948 ♪ I SHALL NOT WANT ♪ 1026 00:45:07,950 --> 00:45:13,740 ♪ HE MAKETH ME TO LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES ♪ 1027 00:45:13,742 --> 00:45:18,699 ♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪ 1028 00:45:18,701 --> 00:45:24,396 ♪ BESIDE THE STILL WATERS ♪ 1029 00:45:27,341 --> 00:45:32,780 ♪ STILL WATERS ♪ 70480

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.