Original subtitles

I don't smell like rotten bananas.

I smell like rotten banana bread.

Big difference.

[chattering in native language]

All righty. Three holiday orcs.

I'll launch a jolly rocket to the opposite tree line.

Yeah, some exploding trees should distract them.

All right. Lyle, you head to the east side of the clearing--

- Once you're in position-- - Guys, stop.

Seriously? We are just fighting

leaked monsters from the game. We're not playing chess.

Let's just run up in there, and go animal style--

Whoo!

[all yelling]

[roaring]

[yelling continues]

[growling]

[all yelling]

- Did you see that? - Oh, that's animal style. That's my style.

[bones crunch]

Oh, that sounded like a pelvis.

It was!

Oh, the barbarian just ripped that orc's arm off!

He's straight-up beating him with his own arm!

Ohh!

Aaah!

[shouting]

- Heads up! - [crack]

Oh! Did you see that?

- That's the actual head! - Yes, it was!

[grunts]

You are the man!

- [grunts] - [clapping]

Outstanding!

I like your style, big guy.

Act first, ask questions never.

Probably should keep a safe distance

from the guy who's doing the dismembering.

That's a high-level rampaging mountain barbarian.

Possibly the only creature more unpredictable than you, Dante.

[yells] Bet you didn't expect that.

[speaking gibberish]

Uh, guys, what is he doing?

He likey your face.

Uh, I likey my face.

Everyone likey my face. That's why I moisturize.

Stop. Stop. Stop it!

Can we keep him, Wyatt? I promise to feed him

and walk him and let him just smash stuff every day.

He's not a Border collie.

He's a maniacal maniac who leaked from a digital dimension.

[Dante] He's a sweetheart.

- [Wyatt] He's not a sweetheart. - What's the harm?

Uh, are you crazy?

My calendar's full, okay? This is spirit week.

I got photo shoots, pep rallies.

The cheerleaders are decorating my locker as we speak.

I don't have time to barbarian-sit.

Yeah. I don't have any of that stuff.

But first period's in 15 minutes,

and we are not bringing him with us.

Great. So he's cool to come with us. We'll get a leash.

Get a leash. Yeah, we'll need that when we bard him.

Yes. Great plan. Bard the fool.

Destroy him and send him back to the game?

- [sniffing] - He helped us.

You don't reward that kind of behavior with a dirty beat-down!

Look, it will be painless...ish.

And, uh, he'll respond in the game.

[whirring]

[speaks gibberish, chuckles]

[cat meows]

- Meow. - [meows]

Where did that come from?

[speaks gibberish, laughs]

It's only until after school.

Then we'll come get you and figure out what to do, okay?

Kitty's purr tickles, doesn't it?

[laughs]

- [speaking gibberish] - This is madness.

[bell rings]

Clean-cut Maggie. Whew.

Hey, Maggie, need a new drummer for choir?

There's no drummer in choir.

So I'm in?

Okay.

Here. Take a picture with me.

[singsong voice] Yearbook.

A-whoo.

You can't bail on me now, Reggie.

We only have 36 hours left till the dance competition.

- And as class president, - [scoffs]

I have to set an example

by crushing the competition.

I'm exhausted.

Strength conditioning,

muscle memory training, yoga.

I got a rash from the stress. That's just--

- Do not ask where. - I'm not.

Here. My doctor gave me a note. Rash.

Well, I have a note for you, too.

Your step ball change is sloppy,

and you need to buy a belt or start wearing underwear.

My personal recommendation is both!

Wyatt, you're my new dance partner.

No way. Not since the summer camp

dance recital disaster of '07.

Oh, come on. It couldn't have been that bad.

A girl died, Angie. Died in my arms.

Of embarrassment, that is.

But I really need your help.

I can still hear their laughter.

I'm not taking no for an answer.

- [bell rings] - Wyatt, I--

I'm taking your running away as a yes!

Practice starts at 4:00.

[chattering]

[scoffs]

[Female Teacher] Okay, students.

Super-fascinating class today.

Everyone pull out their copy of Fun with Phoenician Theorems.

Night, ladies.

[laughs]

[sighing]

[knocking]

[Teacher] Dante?

[knocking continues]

- Dante? - [no audible dialogue]

- Dante! - [screams] Butterscotch!

Don't hurt me. [whimpering]

[clearing throat]

- Who's your friend? - Hmm?

- Uh... - [speaks gibberish]

He's, uh-- He's a bar--

He's Bob...Ararian.

His sister's a librarian.

[chuckling] Yeah, seriously.

Weird how life works out that way.

He's, uh, my parole officer.

Yeah. He's gotta shadow me to make sure I don't go crazy

and rip it up or something.

- Court ordered. - You're dangerous, Dante.

I like dangerous.

[chuckling] Oh, Maggie, you've got issues.

I like issues.

Try to keep him awake.

[speaks gibberish]

[students murmuring]

[speaks gibberish]

[whimpering]

Aahh.

[laughing]

- [bones cracking] - Aaahhh!

- [grunts] - [laughter]

[laughter continues]

[growls]

Hey!

You think that's funny?

What? No, Big Joe.

I was the only one not laughing.

- Tell him I wasn't-- - Mm-mm.

- Awesome. Thanks. - Welcome.

So because I'm tough, I can't not be funny?

Yes. No.

Can you repeat the question without the double-negative?

All right. New question.

How would you like to see your eyeballs get knocked out of your skull?

I don't know. Anatomically speaking,

how would I see my eyeballs knocked out of my skull?

Unless the ocular muscle...

First English, now science?

You're gonna get Big Joe'd in quad, after school.

[bell ringing]

Aah!

[students murmuring]

[Bob grunting]

Hey, Big Joe,

you know what happens to the bully at the end of every bully story?

He gets what's coming to him.

- You know that, right? - Yeah.

You gotta stop talking and start cowering.

Bring it.

[students] Ooh.

- Aah. - Ooh.

- [bones cracking] - [students gasping]

- Thanks, bud. [- speaks gibberish]

Bob, Big Joe. Big Joe, Bob.

Bob is my cousin from the Prima region of the Ankersbank Forest.

He's got a 75% chance of a critical hit

against walking clichés like you.

What? You get someone else

- to fight your battles for you? Ow. - Mmm!

Duh. What am I, some sort of nube?

Okay. We're done here. Bob.

[speaks gibberish]

[grunts]

Try not to rip both his arms off.

- Unless you're feeling it. - [Bob growls]

How awesome is that guy?

He made Maggie believe I'm a wanted man in 15 states

and two Canadian provinces--

Minnesota and North Dakota.

By the way, Maggie loves bad boys. [imitates gun firing]

Yeah. I think you should be thinking less about Maggie

and more about that geography test you have tomorrow.

I don't have a geography test tomorrow.

You know, I don't know what I'm more mad about--

Angie hounding me to be her new dance partner

or you guys bringing the leak to school.

- [mutters] - Relax.

- Bob's amazing. - Bob?

- Yeah, that's what we're calling him-- Bob. - Bob.

Ararian. His sister's a librarian.

He's actually very useful.

For what? Face massages?

As a bodyguard.

[singsong voice] And a chick magnet.

Besides, if we have leaks,

we can send him in as our infantry.

Yep. He's our knight in shag-leather armor.

All right. Okay.

Okay.

As long as you guys keep him away

from the gold mine,

then I guess we can keep him.

We're keeping him! We're keeping him! We're keeping him!

We're keeping him! We're keeping him! We're keeping him!

[grunts]

[sniffs, grunts]

[laughing]

[grunting]

Why didn't you take him to your HQ?

Max kicked us out

while he was conducting one of his secret experiments.

One of the few downsides of having

an eccentric billionaire as your benefactor.

- [Bob grunts] - Uh,

so can he crash here or what?

And by "crash here," I mean literally.

I shouldn't have said that.

Okay. Do your realize that it's wrong to use this...

N.P., whatever, as your little plaything, right?

He's not a toy.

Technically, he is.

Come on, Angie,

sweetheart, darling,

mi señorita carretilla.

Your wheelbarrow señorita?

Is that what that means?

- [snickers] - Well, cut me some slack, all right?

I sit behind a major hottie in Spanish class.

- She's-- - It's just for one night,

until we figure something else out.

You said your family was out of town?

That's right! He's strong.

He can hunt for you while they're away.

Yeah. I don't need a hunter

since they invented something called the grocery store.

He can move furniture

and hold your bed up while you're sleeping

and rock it back and forth gently, like you're on a boat.

That actually sounds fun. I'd like that.

Yeah. It's awesome.

- ♪ [pop, faint] - [grunts]

[stomping feet to the beat]

Huh. He's got rhythm.

- [chuckling] - [continues stomping feet]

I'll take him.

Now shoo.

[chuckling continues]

I see potential.

But first, you need to cut the seafood out of your diet.

[moans]

Winner.

No, it's three to the right,

hop, pivot, hop, three to the left.

[speaks gibberish]

Aw. Don't beat yourself up.

[speaks gibberish]

[chuckles] Yes.

Legit.

- [grunt] - [mouths words]

[whispering] Bob.

[whimpers]

- No-- No-- - [clears throat]

So, uh, yeah,

are we going to burn some star down tonight?

- 'Cause I was thinking-- - No.

No.

What?

Why is that dude stroking your face?

Who?

Oh, him. Oh, yeah.

- He's, um... - [speaks gibberish]

sculpting me for my Lyle Hugginson Football Hall of Awesome.

Yeah, this is just part of his process--

- observing me-- - [whispering] Bob.

...feeling my bone structure, you know--

ohh, measuring my ear depth.

Yeah, that's nasty.

Don't knock it till you try it.

Maybe what's in there tastes like cinnamon.

Nope. Not like cinnamon

or anything else I'd want to sprinkle on toast.

Good morning, class.

Boo!

Apparently I'll be teaching to 19 out of 20 of you.

[laughing]

Barbarians.

These scourge of the fifth century,

these merciless, brainless,

- hedonistic... - [growls]

[Girl gasps]

thoughtless, ugly hoards

were the most reviled monsters

civilized society had ever known.

- [growling] - Whoa, whoa. Easy, easy.

Hey, guys. Wyatt, Dante, a little help here.

He's not talking about you, Bob.

[growling]

Okay, okay.

Let's not listen to Mr. Spinader.

You are a lovely, tender soul.

Right? You're twitching, Bob.

Carrying on with the lesson...

- [gasping] - Every man for themself!

[grunts]

[roars]

[Dante, Wyatt, Angie shouting]

Bob, stop!

Bob, he was just stereotyping.

Not all barbarians are the same.

[shouting]That was my project.

And you!

How dare you insult this man's

proud heritage.

Shame on you.Shame!

Uh, I'm sorry.

We, um, celebrate diversity here at Daventry Hills High School.

I should've been more sensitive.

Please don't have me fired.[roaring]

Nooo!

♪ Hush, little Bobby

♪ Don't say a word

♪ Dante's gonna buy you a brand-new sword ♪

♪ And if that sword don't slice and dice ♪♪ [students humming]

♪ Dante's gonna

[Wyatt] Uhh...

♪ Dante's gonna buy you some beans and rice ♪

♪ And if those beans and rice

♪ Grow cold

That's it!

It's burn time.

Come on! Everybody has a bad day now and then.

[muttering]

Dude, do you see a piñata?

This is not a birthday party, it's a going-away party.

Seriously, hurry up, Dante. Lunch is almost over.

I'm disorienting him.

This is gonna be very traumatic,

and I don't want him to know that you're putting him down

like someone's pet ferret who, yes, may have had rabies,

but was also very cute and didn't bite.

That often. [sighs]

Sorry, buddy. This has nothing to do with me.

Other than using our friendship to lure you here.

[speaks gibberish]

I love you, too, Bob. [sighs]

Why are you making me do this?

[whirring]

[speaks gibberish]

Now.

[laughs]

[speaks gibberish][Dante laughing]

Ooh. Tasty.

So, uh, apparently Bob

is a little higher level than we thought.

So we're keeping him?

No. We're not keeping him.

We need to take him to Max.

If anyone can figure out a way to send this guy back,

- he can. - [belches]

I don't know what you expect me to do.

You can't destroy him.

There's no way to get rid of him.

Unless you can open some kind of portal to the game.

But that would be incredibly reckless.

You would have to be some kind of a mad genius

with unlimited funding and a complete disregard

for anyone else's well-being, right?

So how close are you to doing it?

- Weeks. Days, maybe. - Well...

I'll show you what I've got so far.

[speaks gibberish]

You have potty trained him, right?

[grunts]

[belches]

- Ooh. - [sniffing]

That's possum.

- That's possum. - [beeping]

[whoosh]

I'm still working out a few of the kinks.

So before we send your new friend in,

we might wanna do a test run.

[karate yells]

Now, theoretically,

this watermelon should appear in the game

where it will become a tasty snack for a level-8 orckle.

[laughing]

- [typing] - It'll appear here.

The problem is...

keeping things in there.

Want to see me try a pineapple?

- [Lyle, Wyatt] No! - I'd like to see that.

Maybe if, uh-- if I try it--

Whoa! Girlie, back up.

A, no one codes on the master's computer save the master.

You think da Vinci shared his crayons?

No! Secondly, if I can't figure it out, you never will.

I'm a genius.

[roaring]

[Dante, Bob yelling]

Just try not to pound on the keys.

[yelling continues]

Okay. I think I got it.

It looks like a power supply issue.

- So if this patch works... - [electricity arcs]

And it does. Hey, Quarterback,

throw the long ball with that pineapple.

Right. [grunts]

- Oh-ho-ho! - Yeah!

What? No. I must've done that.

Thanks for letting me borrow your crayons, Max.

Bob, it's time for you to go home.

- [grunts] - What?

That's right. Back to the game.

- No, we don't have to-- - Lots of unbelievably smooth

- digital faces to pet there. - [speaks gibberish]

It's okay. You'll have your own thatch hut,

your own dirt bed, all the grog that you can drink.

[speaks gibberish] Aaahhh!

- [breathing heavily] - Don't worry, baby.

Don't worry, baby. We'll text, we'll visit.

We're gonna reign together. We're gonna do it all, okay?

- Yeah. All right. - No.

- Yep. - No!

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

- Ohh! - Huh?

This is why we lock doors, people.

What does it look like we're doing?

Like you're sending my new dance partner

back into the game.

His act stays here!

Dance partner? You hypocrite.

I need him for a noble cause-- me winning.

No. You're the one who said he wasn't a toy.

He is a toy, and he's my toy, and I need him!

- I need him, too! - No!

No, you are not a toy.

You are a bloodthirsty savage who listens to no one.

- Get in the portal. - You are not a savage, you're an artist.

No, you're a menace to society.

No, you're the best friend a boy could ever have.

[shouting]

- My toy! - [device beeping]

Another leak?

Ohh...

- [yells] - Uh-oh.

Who's she? Hmm?

Wife.

Huh? Ooh.

- [grunts] - Aah!

Oh, cute couple.

[whimpering]

[Lyle] Whew!

But like I said,

that kind of just worked itself out.

You know, I-- I hate to see him go,

but it seems like he and his wife have something just...

really special.

Sorry you lost your dance partner, Angie.

Ohh.

But I found a new dance partner.

- Well, that's good. - Future favor.

Oh. Called in.

Wait...

[Boy] Give it up for Daventry Hills'

own Angie Priesco and her partner

as they perform "Celtic Fire."

- What's up with that guy? - I have no idea.

[applause] ♪ [Irish folk music]

- Is it weird for me to enjoy this? - No.

- She's not bad. - No, she's not bad at all.

[snickering]

[laughter]

Oh, this is fantastic.

Whoo!

[audience clapping along with rhythm]

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ [ends]

Whoo!

Whoo! That was the best!

- [students shouting] - [Girl] Good job, Angie!

How do you top that?

[Boy] Nice dress, Wyatt!