All language subtitles for Cougar Town - 01x12 - Scare Easy.720p.WEB-DL.M794.English.edit.Addic7ed.com

- So, what are we doing tonight?
- What are we doing?

We're drinking a bottle of wine.
Got another one waiting for us

in the on-deck circle.
That's what we're doing.

The "stay at home and drink" date.
Dangerous.

Alcohol makes it hard
to filter yourself.

- You'd make a pretty girl.
- And we're off.

Seriously, I have a skirt
that's too big for me,

and God knows you've got the legs.

All we gotta do is shave you down,
and then tuck some stuff back up...

- No tucking.
- All right, fine.

Then we won't have fun.

Hmm... Can we at least have
some serious share time?

I'll start with a classic.
How many people have you slept with?

Six. Oh, wait, are we counting
people that we wish we hadn't?

- Yeah.
- All right, nine and a half.

- What about you?
- Eight...

- Really?
...ty-three.

Eighty-three... 183.

Most of it happened
while I was in college.

I was in a boy band called
'Da Booty Crew.

Don't hold that against me.

Not saying that to you.
That was our first single:

Girl, Don't Hold That Against Me.

Why do I feel like there's a lot
of lying going on during share time?

There is.
Let's go have naked share time.

OK. Don't hit my head
on the railing again.

OK.

- Evening, Jeff.
- Hey, Travis.

Spin me around.

Hey, Travis. Jeff picked me up
'cause I saw a spider.

Thanks for still caring enough to lie.

- All right.
- Good night.

Good night. Onward.

* Girl, don't hold that
against me Girl!

Anyway, since I had sex with Jeff
last night even though I was tired,

he was so grateful that he drove
to that new bakery 40 minutes away

and got me those
homemade jelly donuts.

That's weird, 'cause Ellie
loves those very same donuts.

- Yeah.
- Did any of that really happen,

or did Ellie make you say that?

All right, Ellie, I tried.
I don't know.

Jeff took Travis to Bobby's.
They're playing some sort of game.

- I'm sorry, wait, what's happening?
- Just go.

Oh! It's good!

Boys, the penny-can game

is the best thing I've ever
created in my entire life.

And thank you, Dad.

Now, if the penny goes in the can,
you get a point.

- If it doesn't, you don't.
- Very chess-like.

I wouldn't know. Warm-up's over.

Me and Trav versus you.
The first team to 1000 points wins.

Are you guys playing penny-can?
Is it finally real?

It is, baby. All right,
first round, rapid fire. Me...

Ooh! Trav! Jeff! G-Man.

I feel a little weird.

Why? Because you spent
the night on the second date?

Because you didn't try
to have sex with me.

I guess it's nice to wake up
with my panties on,

I just don't know what to make of it.

Are you gay? It's OK if you are.
I've turned a lot of gay dudes straight.

But that could just be
a line that guys use on me

because they know
I love a challenge.

We didn't have sex, but I feel
like we did plenty of other things

that sent a very clear heterosexual
message out to the world.

And I say "the world" because
the walls in this apartment complex

are crazy thin,
and you are somewhat vocal.

- It's OK, Smith.
- Thanks, Mrs. Mendelson.

- And nice to meet you, Laurie.
- Aw, you too, Helen.

She's a cool old bird.

Laurie, I didn't try to sleep
with you because I like you, OK?

But, we've only been on two dates and
I'm going back to law school tomorrow.

If I had sex with you and then
disappeared for three months,

you'd never give me a chance
when I got back.

And I want a chance, OK?

OK.

Aww!

OK. Should we sit boy-girl, boy-girl?

Stop pretending like you're not just
going to talk to her the whole night.

Yeah, you're right.

OK. Would you order some wine?
And I'll have a steak

and you want some pasta
so I can have some.

- See you in an hour.
- Hour and a half.

- Goodnight.
- Have fun, ladies.

- Um...
- I miss penny-can.

Scott, if we're going to have this baby,
some things have to change.

- Nice shot.
- Nine-four, me.

All right. That guy's coffee cup.

OK, time for group talk.
Let's dive in.

- So, are you two in love?
- Dive in less.

Oh, that's why I married you.

He gets a couple of drinks in him and
he starts dropping the question bombs.

How do you feel about
having babies in your 40s?

No, seriously, are you two exclusive
or are you seeing other people?

- Please stop.
- No, I'll take this one. Um...

Jules is incredible.
And I don't want to see other people.

But... that's just me.

You'll have to ask
Jules what she thinks.

Ellie, bomb noise.

Thank you. I'm gonna go
order us another bottle of wine,

because I need to drink more,
immediately. Excuse me.

Sweetie, we're going to get deep,
so go take a restaurant walk.

Oh. I love a good restaurant walk.

- So what do you think?
- I don't know.

I really like Jeff,
and I'm not dating anyone else.

Not that I would date
two guys at the same time,

because in school, this nun told me
if I kiss two boys on the same day,

their spit would mix in my mouth
and would kill me.

Religion is fantastic.

But still, I mean, being exclusive,
that's just so serious.

I don't think I'm ready for that yet,
with anyone.

That boy is in demand.
Look at those women.

They're breaking out
the classic flirt-moves.

Oh, my God, there's
the accidental bump and smile...

And there's the old, "Oh, it's so hot in
here I have to dab ice on my cleavage."

And then just a blatant,
"You can smack my ass if you want to."

Who does that? Jules?

- Thank you.
- Let's be exclusive.

- You sure?
- I'm sure.

Atta girl.

Cougar Town 1x12 - Scare Easy

♪ Girl, don't hold that against me, Girl! ♪

♪ Little pregnant girl ♪

What? In my head, the song
is about teenage pregnancy.

- That's a bit of a leap.
- I want to write music that matters.

You know why Brunch Saturday
kicks ass?

It's got orange juice
that can make me feel buzzy.

We don't have champagne.

- It's beer and orange juice, baby.
- It's gross.

Oh!

- I need more ice in mine.
- I'll make them.

I like that guy. Great vocals.

Yeah, and those shoulders.
He's definitely built a few sheds.

- Right?
- He'd look great in a skirt.

- What?
- What?

I'm glad you guys like him, because we
actually are getting kind of serious.

So he's not just
date-of-the-week guy?

He's for real?

Yeah. He is.

- Great! That's so good for you.
- Cool!

Where the hell are Andy and Ellie?

See? Now letting you climb
all over me this morning

was totally worth it.

I got two, in case tonight we want to...

That's not how that works.

Well, I'm leaving,
so I guess this is goodbye.

No! No goodbyes.

Goodbyes put me
in a very destructive place.

But my plane leaves in an hour. So...

Yes, I'm going to pretend
that you're not going anywhere.

That way I don't have to get violent
and spend the day kicking stuff.

Maybe I'll just kiss you and split.

That's a better idea.

Do you think that it's weird
or sexy to kiss with your eyes open?

Well, it's so weird I may
never want to kiss again.

Here, let me fix it.

That's better.

- I've got to get going.
- Me, too.

- I'll catch you later.
- Bobby, no, wait. Don't go!

- Seriously, want him more.
- I can't!

Why are those two so mopey?

You know that secret I've been
keeping since Thanksgiving?

I'm sick of the heartburn and stress,
so I'm just going to let it out, OK?

Bobby and Grayson are both
kind of interested in Jules.

You mean to tell me
that the overly-flirty neighbor

and the ex-husband who's
never not here both like Jules?

- That is a revelation!
- You done?

I can't believe it!
I'm a little dizzy. I'm flabbergasted!

What? I have to sit.

I knew Jules would eventually
date someone she cared about.

I just didn't
think it'd be so soon.

Feels weird for us
to be talking about this.

Good weird?

That's not actually a phrase.

When's the last time you
were in a real relationship?

- With my wife.
- Yeah, me, too.

Remember how great it is
when it's first starting out?

You're like stupid kids,
just laughing at everything.

You look adorable.

- I feel pretty sexy.
- Bye, Mom.

- I...
- He probably didn't...

I noticed.

Well, now that it's out,
let's go shave you.

No. And stop asking.

And you just want to show
that person off to everyone.

Barb! So, what do you think?

I've already done six things
to it in my head.

- May I touch it?
- All right, show's over.

Nice bar, don't kick.

Smith's such an ass.
I can't believe that he dumped me.

And I would've already
started my healing ritual

but I don't have any spray paint.

So I'm gonna have to jump ahead
to sleeping with one of his friends.

Wow, solid plan,
but there is one flaw.

You can get spray paint
at the drug store.

Don't participate.
Smith didn't dump you.

- He just went back to school.
- He's gone, OK?

And I feel like crap.
I don't care if it's crazy.

If somebody hurts me,
they have to pay.

OK.

Come here. If you're
with a crazy girl, ring the bell.

Look, you need to be distracted, right?

So, Bobby and I need to talk.
You're gonna bartend.

I don't know how to do that.

Come on, girl. Look...

It's just pouring liquid into cups.
You'll be fine.

- Did he just steal that?
- Yeah, that's sort of his thing.

Stealing... from me.

All right, well,
I'll see you tonight.

OK, be here at eight.

What the hell was that noise?

It's like I'm calling
a horse or something.

- Calm down.
- You calm down!

I'm acting way too
overeager with this guy.

Say something right now
that helps me stop spinning.

- Those jeans really work.
- They're new!

Nicely played.

OK, I'm cooking him dinner tonight.
What should I make?

Who cares?

The first meal you make someone
makes a statement.

If you half-ass it,
it's saying you don't care.

But if you make it too fancy
then it's saying,

"Stay with me.
I'll cook and clean,

and service you
when you snap your fingers."

Is that what you want?

For Jules to be
some sort of slave-whore?

No, that's not
what I want for Jules.

Did you just do that again?

- Yeah, I think I might like it.
- It's not good.

Stop it.

Why are you leaving?

- I'm bored of giving out free drinks.
- You didn't charge people?

No! You get better tips that way.

Besides, that boy over there
is a friend of Smith's.

His name is Doug.
Wave, Doug!

I like that he does what I say.

- We're going to the Beach Club.
- You don't want to do this.

Thanks for trying. But I do.

Doug! Come on.

What do I have to do?

Go to the Beach Club and stop
Laurie from having revenge sex.

I don't really wanna do that.

C'mon, T-Bone. Take my ride.

You know, putting golf cart keys
on a Ferrari key chain

- doesn't make it a Ferrari.
- I was being ironic.

First time.

What in the hell is Laurie thinking?

Women can be nutty, but it's usually
a guy that gets them there.

I mean, Jules has major league trust
issues, but that probably falls on me.

I can't tell you how many
times I left her sitting at home alone,

waiting for me to show up...
but I just didn't.

I hope that never
happens to her again.

She doesn't deserve it.

- Hey!
- "Hey?"

That's the weak crap
you're bringing in here? "Hey?"

Are you kidding me?

You know what I've learned
from screwing up so much?

If your lady's mad, and you have no
idea why, there's only one thing to say.

I'm so sorry.
What can I do to fix this?

Can you even tell me
why you're apologizing?

You can't, can you?
Because you are selfish.

You're selfish! I have spent
all day cooking this food for you.

I know you're going to say,
"It hasn't been all day,

because I was with you until four."
But don't say it.

No, don't you dare say it, because
I will seriously smack you right there

in the middle of your big, beautiful
lips that you're so damn proud of.

You know what really bothers me
about you being late?

You think that your time
is more important than my time.

But guess what, buddy?
This is my time.

And it'll be a long time before you
find me sitting around like some chump,

waiting for a man to come in
and grace me with his presence.

You told me to be here at eight.
It's 8:11.

Well, our clocks
are a little different.

You're right.
Yours says 8:09.

Well, the food
is not even hot anymore.

Yes, it is. Couldn't be hotter.

- Whoo!
- Here, put some ice on it.

Ah...

How is it that I'm already
acting like a crazy person?

And bingo!

You've got a tiny leak in the dam,
and you got to plug her up real quick

or you'll be in a car with no brakes,
driving down Trouble Highway.

What? Wait, is the highway flooded?
And where's this dam? You...

You're mixing metaphors
like a crazy person.

- My mom says I'm colorful.
- Still, I get what you're saying.

Relationships are so fragile.

When I was married to Vivian
and a problem popped up,

I would always tell myself,
if we just ignored it, it would go away.

It never did.

Would it be OK if we
didn't talk about this

and you just took me upstairs
and held me for a little?

Sure. You want your usual ride?

Oh, God!

- Sorry.
- Ow! Same spot every time.

Yeah, I'm gonna need a few giant drinks
before you start any gropey stuff.

And BTW, if I ever do
see Smith again

I'll be sure to tell him what
an awesome friend you are.

- Laurie, get in the cart.
- Yeah, OK.

Sorry, dude!

Hit it!

Were you really gonna
hook up with that guy?

I don't know. Probably.
I'm just so angry.

I don't want to belittle your problem,
but are there women out there

who will have sex with me just
because they're mad about something?

- Oh, yeah. For sure.
- This is very exciting news.

You know, there are also girls
that will sleep with you

because their friends
are prettier than they are.

Just keeps getting better.

- Hey.
- Hmm?

- Thank you for rescuing me.
- Grayson told me to.

- Really?
- Yeah.

If there's a group of girls and
one's got a great body but

- a lazy eye or something...
- Oh, my gosh! Yes! Easy pickin's.

- Oh, God!
- Oh, God, wow!

I'm so sorry. I thought that would be
a romantic way for you to wake up.

But instead, I've terrified you.

- Well, that was a waste of 40 minutes.
- What's happening?

Jeff, I've been obsessing
all night about my freak-out.

Do you ever get the feeling like
we've been together for five years,

but not in a good way?

This is too much to process two
seconds after regaining consciousness.

I'll be right back.

Are you naked except for black socks?

- My feet get cold.
- This is what I'm talking about.

We're too comfortable.
I mean, that looks ridiculous.

Does this look ridiculous?
Huh?

Stop. I'm serious.

We should still be
in that honeymoon phase,

where you don't even glance
at the TV when I'm talking to you

and I still pretend that I never go
to the bathroom except to pee.

Which is true, I only pee.

Maybe this is a good thing, right?
I mean... we're being real.

I don't know. Maybe.

Hey, you want to see how I made
penny-can a little less frustrating?

- Hit me.
- Behold!

It's good!

This morning I looked at
old pictures from Vivian and me

- from back when we were happy.
- That sounds healthy.

Got it!

Sometimes I still try and
figure out why it fell apart.

And I guess the simplest reason is
that we just wanted different things.

I just don't think
I'm ready for all this yet.

OK, I've only been
divorced for eight months.

And I'm feeling vulnerable
and trapped and...

Wow, I do not like
the way I'm behaving.

We can fix this.

We just need to slow down and, and go
back to being casual and having fun.

- OK?
- No.

- I don't want that.
- Well, then I take it all back.

- Jules.
- No.

I don't think that you understand
where I'm at in my life right now.

I know exactly where you're at.

You're enjoying your independence,
you're not looking for commitment.

Come on,
I've been there for years myself.

I just don't want to be anymore.

Wow. That sucks.

Yeah, it does.

The end of a relationship
is never like in the movies.

You know, where there's a big,
dramatic goodbye speech

and somebody's looking out the back
window of a cab as the music swells.

At least that's not
the way it was for me.

No, in real life,
the very end is more like a fizzle.

So, uh... I guess I'm gonna take off.

- I hope I see you around.
- Me, too.

Bye, Jules.

Bye.

Hey.

I want to thank you
for looking out for me yesterday.

I still feel crappy,
but it's probably because...

I just spent the last 24 hours rehashing
the dissolution of my marriage.

So, if it's OK...
I'm all out of relationship talk.

Of course, yeah.
No, I just wanted to say "thank you."

I didn't say "leave."

- Can I get a beer?
- Yes, you can.

For free?

You know what I've never told anyone?

Stop! I don't want to know
another secret ever again.

They give me agita so bad. So bad!

And then when I finally tell them,
guess what? Nobody cares.

So, I am going to take Stan for a walk.

- But it's midnight.
- Agita, Jules! Agita!

It's like a volcano in my chest.

OK. Dummy's gone.
Go ahead, sweetie.

What if I'm someone who
doesn't get to end up happy?

Wanna know what I think?

That I'm only gonna be happy if we
murder Andy and you and I get married?

- That would be amazing.
- Right?

But no. I think if Jeff was the right
guy, you would never let him leave.

- But what if there is no right guy?
- There is.

And you never know.

He could be right under your nose.

No. No, no, no...

Come on!
Oh...

- What should we do today?
- I don't know.

We could read magazines or look
at shoes online. Or just gossip.

You know, we both only like sex
during that small window

between 3:00 and 3:45.
Should we do that?

Eh. Today let's just kiss
without it having to lead anywhere.

- God, I love being married to you.
- I know.

I'm so glad we killed Andy
and buried him in the backyard.

- Oh, baby.
- Oh...

Did you really think
you could get away with it?

Did ya?

Oh! You ruin everything!