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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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00:00:03,860 --> 00:00:06,570
What, too soon?
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00:00:10,990 --> 00:00:12,410
(EXCLAIMS)
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00:00:17,620 --> 00:00:20,160
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
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00:00:21,417 --> 00:00:22,999
(BELCHES)
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00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,139
(WORK WHISTLE BLOWS)
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Aah!
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00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:32,380
(SCANNER BEEPS)
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(TIRES SCREECH)
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D'oh!
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00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:42,605
(GRUNTS)
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Avast there.
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00:00:46,450 --> 00:00:48,940
It be too late to alter course, matey.
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00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:51,950
And there be pirates
lurking in every cove.
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00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,000
Get to the ride.
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00:00:53,003 --> 00:00:54,367
(ALL SCREAMING)
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Did they get a picture?
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00:01:05,295 --> 00:01:09,010
Welcome to our first-ever
night of dramatic scenes
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00:01:09,019 --> 00:01:11,133
written by our students.
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00:01:11,134 --> 00:01:14,386
Should we silence our
cell phones and pagers?
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00:01:14,387 --> 00:01:15,979
No, no, no, please,
I beg you, leave them on.
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00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:18,139
An-And here-here's some candy to unwrap.
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00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:20,269
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
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00:01:20,270 --> 00:01:24,059
And now, an new scene
from the CW's Riverdale.
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00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:25,809
(STUDENTS CHEER)
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00:01:25,810 --> 00:01:29,039
Jughead, there's been a murder
at Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe
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00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,339
and it's up to us kids to solve it.
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00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,479
I can't deal with that right now.
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My dad's in jail and the
only way to get him out
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is to try drugs.
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00:01:37,740 --> 00:01:40,910
We're both pregnant
with Big Moose's babies.
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00:01:43,540 --> 00:01:47,179
Wait. So this is a play
based on a YouTube
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00:01:47,180 --> 00:01:49,519
of kids playing a video game?
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00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,879
- That's right.
- (SCOFFS) It's about time.
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00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,639
Okay, to get their chug jugs,
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00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,919
I could snipe these guys out one by one,
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00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:58,019
but the smarter move
is to plant a charge
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00:01:58,020 --> 00:01:59,779
at the base of their attack platform
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and skull-splat 'em when they land.
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00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,989
Hey, guys, if you want
more game hacks like this,
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00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:05,619
be sure to smash our like button
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00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,740
and subscribe to our channel.
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00:02:07,744 --> 00:02:10,399
Up next, night vision fails.
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How is this a play?
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Well, sir, video game walk-throughs
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00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:15,340
are the only narrative
most of these kids
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00:02:15,350 --> 00:02:16,360
have been exposed to.
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00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,826
- This is their Becket.
- BOTH: Who?
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00:02:18,827 --> 00:02:20,989
Are you Terry Bradshaw?
50
00:02:20,990 --> 00:02:23,919
No. It's, uh, Donny Osmond.
51
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,333
Boner. Boner from Growing Pains.
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00:02:26,334 --> 00:02:29,189
(DISTORTED): You're all
wrong. My real identity is...
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00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,039
Flavor Flav!
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Flavor Flav? I've heard of you.
55
00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:35,419
I've heard of you so much.
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00:02:35,420 --> 00:02:38,849
I am such a huge fan of your
movies, books, or music.
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00:02:38,850 --> 00:02:41,279
I can also pretend to be impressed.
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ALL: The end.
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00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:43,726
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
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Wake up. Lisa's next.
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00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,659
Oh, no, please. I'm
having the best dream.
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00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:52,439
I was in my warm, cozy grave.
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00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,919
Well, I'm gonna dream about
me in a soft, cuddly crypt.
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- Yeah...
- Ah...
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00:02:59,450 --> 00:03:02,419
Amazingly, this next piece
is not based on something
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00:03:02,420 --> 00:03:04,179
you watch on your phone or a gas pump,
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00:03:04,180 --> 00:03:06,239
but is actually an
honest-to-goodness play,
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00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,879
by Lisa "Thank God You're
a Throwback" Simpson.
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00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,419
And so I give you
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00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:13,299
Long Day's Journey Into Light Beer.
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Where's my beer, Marjorie?
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I spent all day making
sure this beer was cold.
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00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,339
Aah! I make bad choices.
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00:03:23,340 --> 00:03:25,579
Lisa's really nailed the Hibberts.
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(CHUCKLES)
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Uh, yo, dude, my catchphrases
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are as outdated as my slingshot.
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00:03:32,066 --> 00:03:33,483
Ay, caramba!
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Oh, Mom, it's so hard being
a straight-A student
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00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:40,139
with a social conscience
who writes amazing plays.
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00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:42,599
The only stable thing
in this house is you,
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00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,039
making every day the same as the last.
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Exactly the same.
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Like the coffee maker says,
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00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,739
things will perk up.
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I thought you were the coffee maker.
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00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,299
You can learn a lot from percolators.
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00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,091
Make the most of the daily grind.
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00:03:58,092 --> 00:04:01,039
The mother character is such a snooze.
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00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,220
Ralph has nothing to play against.
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00:04:03,222 --> 00:04:05,307
(GASPS) They think I'm boring.
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00:04:05,308 --> 00:04:07,350
(GASPS) This play is about us!
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00:04:07,351 --> 00:04:10,519
Today I decided to be a race car driver,
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00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,559
so I was, then I quit.
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00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,790
I also have exciting news.
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00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:17,399
I converted four soap slivers
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into practically a new bar.
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00:04:19,363 --> 00:04:22,319
Is this how the world sees me... as a...
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00:04:22,320 --> 00:04:24,640
How do the kids say lame-o these days?
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00:04:24,650 --> 00:04:26,709
We say lame-o, you lame-o.
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00:04:26,710 --> 00:04:29,879
Suck, suck. And I felt like the ghost
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00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,460
belonging to the fog.
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And the fog was the ghost of the sea.
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Suck, suck.
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(CHEERING)
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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
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00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:43,640
You really think I'm that boring?
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Lisa, you made someone feel sad,
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which is not what a drama about
a family is supposed to do.
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00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:51,119
Marge, could we get a picture?
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00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,900
Okay.
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- (YAWNS)
- (SHUTTER CLICKS)
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_
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So all the generations...
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00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:01,112
Boring. They think I'm boring.
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00:05:01,113 --> 00:05:02,822
I'll show them who's boring.
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00:05:02,823 --> 00:05:06,299
Now, this morning, Marge Simpson
has insistently volunteered
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00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:07,650
to read a passage.
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00:05:07,660 --> 00:05:10,789
She says she's gonna
bring her own spin to it.
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00:05:10,790 --> 00:05:11,799
(HUMMING A TUNE)
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Now, a reading from John, 18:38,
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00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:17,462
between Pontius Pilate and Jesus.
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(QUIETLY): Marge! Marge! Marge!
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(EXAGGERATED ITALIAN
ACCENT): Hey-a Jesus,
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00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,119
what's a matter for you?
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00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,819
You saying youse a king?
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00:05:23,820 --> 00:05:25,060
(NORMAL VOICE) He was Roman,
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that's why I'm doing the accent.
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00:05:27,181 --> 00:05:29,015
(MAN COUGHS)
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Anyhoo, Jesus answered,
and I think it might have gone
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00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,439
something like this.
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(IMITATING JACKIE MASON):
I'm not a king, I'm a carpenter.
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00:05:36,787 --> 00:05:38,299
A Jewish carpenter.
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00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,879
The only thing I nail are my SATs.
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00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,560
So then, Pontius says to the elders,
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00:05:43,570 --> 00:05:47,117
"This-a Jesus, he-a
look like a nice-a guy."
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00:05:47,118 --> 00:05:48,759
Nobody talk-a like-a that.
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00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,259
I make a nice-a sentence.
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00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:52,619
Just like-a Mama used to construct.
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00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:54,599
- Oh...
- Can we just hear
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00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,119
Lovejoy's sermon, please?
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00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,544
Yeah, Marge, read the room.
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00:05:57,545 --> 00:05:59,213
Mm...
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00:06:00,730 --> 00:06:03,260
You need this more than we do, lady.
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00:06:13,978 --> 00:06:17,119
Boring. That's what this
straight-A Girl Scout
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00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,980
has become... boring.
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00:06:18,983 --> 00:06:21,459
(THUNDER CRASHES)
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00:06:21,460 --> 00:06:23,659
(SCREAMING)
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00:06:23,660 --> 00:06:26,099
(GASPS) You just had a
near-death experience.
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00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,319
That's exciting.
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00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,280
Whoo! What a rich life you lead, Mom.
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00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:33,079
I'm going to bed.
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00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,579
That will really turn around
your boring reputation.
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00:06:36,580 --> 00:06:38,579
Shh.
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00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:42,340
(GRUNTING)
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00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,770
(SNORING)
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(SIGHS) Don't worry,
Homer, I'll chop the wood.
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00:07:02,470 --> 00:07:03,526
Like always.
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00:07:03,527 --> 00:07:05,780
I have to do everything. (GRUNTS)
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00:07:05,783 --> 00:07:07,197
Even chop the trees.
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00:07:07,198 --> 00:07:09,819
(GRUNTING)
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00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,299
- Hyah!
- Whoa!
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00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,710
- Hyah!
- (CHUCKLES)
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00:07:12,716 --> 00:07:14,579
Hyah!
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00:07:14,580 --> 00:07:18,439
Mmm. I know where she can put
that chopping to good use.
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00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,319
- Homer's neck?
- No.
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00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,713
He doesn't have one. Something better.
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00:07:24,540 --> 00:07:27,300
Lower your right hand.
Gives you more power.
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00:07:27,305 --> 00:07:29,649
Hmm.
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00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,319
Thanks, um...
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00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,139
Paula. Friend of Patty's.
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00:07:33,140 --> 00:07:34,739
We met at Burning Woman.
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00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:36,179
Nice job on that wood.
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00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:38,039
HOMER (WEAKLY): I helped.
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00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,579
Yeah, you helped, all right.
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00:07:39,580 --> 00:07:41,669
You helped that hammock kiss the ground.
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00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,316
(WEAKLY): D'oh.
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00:07:43,317 --> 00:07:44,980
Marge, I don't know if you know this,
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00:07:44,989 --> 00:07:47,655
but I'm a top-level
contender at Timbersports.
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00:07:47,656 --> 00:07:49,219
That's so interesting.
181
00:07:49,220 --> 00:07:51,658
How does it feel to be magnificent?
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00:07:51,659 --> 00:07:52,742
I'll show you.
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00:07:52,743 --> 00:07:55,829
♪ The only card I need
is the ace of spades ♪
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00:07:55,830 --> 00:07:58,081
♪ The ace of spades. ♪
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00:07:58,082 --> 00:08:00,834
(CHAIN SAW BUZZING)
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00:08:00,835 --> 00:08:03,079
That is a fascinating hobby.
187
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,699
(SIGHS) Timbersports
is more than a hobby.
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00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:08,430
It's an unpaid passion that
you do in your spare time.
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00:08:08,438 --> 00:08:10,678
Now, we're going to the woods.
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00:08:12,596 --> 00:08:14,439
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Ah.
191
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,299
- What are you doing?
- Breathing.
192
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,602
Breathing for the first time in my life.
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00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,310
Ah.
194
00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,400
Can I do one thing
195
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,029
for the knots in your shoulders?
196
00:08:26,030 --> 00:08:27,030
Sure.
197
00:08:27,031 --> 00:08:29,379
Aah... Ooh, ooh! Ooh!
198
00:08:29,380 --> 00:08:32,449
Not so... Oh.
199
00:08:32,450 --> 00:08:35,119
Now, to motivate your chopping,
200
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,449
think of things that make you mad.
201
00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:41,159
Oh, nothing really makes me mad.
202
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:44,519
Mom, Lisa won't stay on her
side of the thought bubble.
203
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,709
(BOTH GRUNTING)
204
00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:49,640
You have five seconds to live. (GRUNTS)
205
00:08:49,650 --> 00:08:52,560
So do you, idiot. We're
in the same bubble.
206
00:08:52,570 --> 00:08:54,387
My final words are Lisa sucks!
207
00:08:54,388 --> 00:08:56,139
(GRUNTING)
208
00:08:56,140 --> 00:08:59,229
She's a natural.
209
00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:02,896
♪ ♪
210
00:09:02,897 --> 00:09:05,270
♪ I walked into the forest ♪
211
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,779
♪ So beautiful and green ♪
212
00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:09,990
♪ And there I saw a woman ♪
213
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,879
♪ Who was chopping down a tree ♪
214
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,099
♪ The sawdust was flyin' ♪
215
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,580
♪ She was spinnin' on a log ♪
216
00:09:17,582 --> 00:09:20,319
♪ On her waist was
strapped a tool belt ♪
217
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:23,169
♪ With a Black & Decker saw ♪
218
00:09:23,170 --> 00:09:25,940
♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪
219
00:09:25,950 --> 00:09:28,510
♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪
220
00:09:28,518 --> 00:09:31,159
♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪
221
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,469
♪ With Lumberjill ♪
222
00:09:33,470 --> 00:09:36,199
♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪
223
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,619
♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪
224
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:41,310
♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪
225
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:45,270
♪ With Lumberjill. ♪
226
00:09:47,108 --> 00:09:49,530
Ooh, ooh...
227
00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:52,529
Ooh, ooh...
228
00:09:52,530 --> 00:09:55,060
_
229
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,079
I'm Chip Bunyan, eh, and welcome
230
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,509
to the Springfield Timbersports Pro-Am.
231
00:10:02,510 --> 00:10:05,999
I'm here with former NBA
analyst Anger Watkins.
232
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,499
Timbersports. Timber sports?
233
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:13,259
I snap one P.A.'s bra strap,
and this is where I land?
234
00:10:13,260 --> 00:10:16,099
Who is the Lebron of this
thing? No one will tell me.
235
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,779
His name is Matt Cogar.
236
00:10:17,780 --> 00:10:19,579
Is his nickname The Cougar?
237
00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:21,540
No, his nickname is Matt.
238
00:10:21,550 --> 00:10:23,279
Matt isn't a nickname.
239
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:24,699
It's a name name.
240
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,759
(STAMMERS) I'd storm
out of here right now
241
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,939
if I weren't so terrified of squirrels.
242
00:10:28,940 --> 00:10:30,520
Take my money! Take it!
243
00:10:30,526 --> 00:10:32,939
I'm glad Mom's found a passion,
244
00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:35,620
but I wish she didn't have
to kill all those trees.
245
00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:38,719
I read that trees are the
cause of global warming.
246
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:39,989
Where'd you read that?
247
00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:41,639
My new fourth grade science book.
248
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,038
(GRUMBLES)
249
00:10:45,082 --> 00:10:46,416
(WHISTLES)
250
00:10:46,417 --> 00:10:49,079
(ALL GRUNTING)
251
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,719
And they're off, displaying
lots of forest gumption, eh?
252
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,479
First we have Nelson Muntz.
253
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,679
He's ten years old, but,
man, is it a hard ten.
254
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,010
(GRUNTING)
255
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:04,239
(SLURRING): Hey. That's my boy.
256
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,271
He gets his pole skills from his mama.
257
00:11:11,817 --> 00:11:15,419
Oh! Marge Simpson takes the lead!
258
00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:17,258
No one saw this coming,
259
00:11:17,259 --> 00:11:19,320
because no one was watching.
260
00:11:19,325 --> 00:11:22,953
(STAMMERS) What could
possibly be her motivation?
261
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,498
I'm not boring!
262
00:11:27,390 --> 00:11:30,376
(GROWLS)
263
00:11:30,377 --> 00:11:32,129
- Woo-hoo!
- Yay!
264
00:11:33,030 --> 00:11:36,699
You magnificent she-beast.
265
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,840
All our sweaty passion
266
00:11:38,850 --> 00:11:40,929
and grunting paid off.
267
00:11:40,930 --> 00:11:42,439
Now's the time I should tell you.
268
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,139
Paula is gay.
269
00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:46,601
Aw. She made a friend.
270
00:11:46,602 --> 00:11:49,020
You've made me a new woman.
271
00:11:49,021 --> 00:11:51,219
Oh. Should I be concerned?
272
00:11:51,220 --> 00:11:54,840
It's no weirder than that time
our knees touched under the bar.
273
00:11:54,850 --> 00:11:56,499
You still think about that?
274
00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:58,363
Every day.
275
00:11:58,364 --> 00:11:59,697
(HUMMING A TUNE)
276
00:11:59,698 --> 00:12:03,579
Aw. I haven't been this
happy in a long time.
277
00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:07,019
You were great, but I have a question.
278
00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:08,819
Do you want to take
it to the next level?
279
00:12:08,820 --> 00:12:09,879
What do you mean?
280
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,919
Will you ride the blade with me?
281
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,119
You know, help me bow
the jagged-toothed fiddle?
282
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,539
I don't understand.
283
00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:18,549
Draw and drag the sequoia widow-maker.
284
00:12:18,550 --> 00:12:20,969
You're gonna have to tell me
what you're talking about.
285
00:12:20,970 --> 00:12:24,555
Will you be my partner on
the double-ended bucksaw?
286
00:12:24,556 --> 00:12:27,226
You really think that
I have what it takes?
287
00:12:27,227 --> 00:12:28,619
I know you do.
288
00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,699
But if we do this,
289
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:33,679
you'll have to train with me
for a month, in Portland.
290
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:37,068
A month? Oh, no, I can't
leave Homer that long.
291
00:12:37,069 --> 00:12:38,480
♪ ♪
292
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,379
(THUNDER CRASHES)
293
00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:45,320
(SCREAMING)
294
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,650
_
295
00:12:54,336 --> 00:12:57,329
Oh. Fantasies can be good?
296
00:12:57,330 --> 00:12:59,979
(HUMMING A TUNE)
297
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:02,139
Good to have you back.
298
00:13:02,140 --> 00:13:03,879
(HUMMING)
299
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:07,439
(YAWNS) Boy, am I beat.
300
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:08,999
Homie, I feel like
301
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,959
I'm my very best self
in these competitions.
302
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,219
You are, honey.
303
00:13:13,220 --> 00:13:17,059
In a way I could never make
you feel or comprehend.
304
00:13:17,060 --> 00:13:18,639
Paula wants me to train with her.
305
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,199
If I do, I'll be gone for a month.
306
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,903
A month? We've never
been apart that long.
307
00:13:22,904 --> 00:13:25,659
I miss you when we're
separated in a revolving door.
308
00:13:25,660 --> 00:13:27,979
I miss you when I'm putting
a sweater over my head.
309
00:13:27,980 --> 00:13:30,560
I miss you when I close
my eyes during a sneeze.
310
00:13:30,570 --> 00:13:33,199
I miss you when the clock
springs ahead an hour.
311
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,000
We'll never get that time back.
312
00:13:35,002 --> 00:13:37,739
Homer, do you really want me to stay,
313
00:13:37,740 --> 00:13:39,959
knowing how much I need this
314
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,919
to feel good about myself?
315
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,479
Yes, I do.
316
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,379
- (GRUMBLES)
- What? What?
317
00:13:45,380 --> 00:13:46,559
Where you going?
318
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,479
She might leave and never come back.
319
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,419
Just like the McRib.
320
00:13:50,420 --> 00:13:52,310
(CRYING)
321
00:13:53,130 --> 00:13:56,880
_
322
00:13:59,550 --> 00:14:02,070
- _
- ♪ You feel it all ♪
323
00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:04,739
♪ Around yourself. ♪
324
00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:05,749
_
325
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:07,242
- _
- (THUNDER CRASHES)
326
00:14:07,243 --> 00:14:09,730
_
327
00:14:09,745 --> 00:14:10,749
_
328
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,059
Oh. I forgot to unlock the door.
329
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:15,079
God, how insulting to people.
330
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,399
So nervous about seeing your mother.
331
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,019
Let's just enjoy Portland.
332
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:21,329
I mean, I can't believe we've
never been here before.
333
00:14:21,330 --> 00:14:24,019
Indigenous artworks, craft breweries,
334
00:14:24,020 --> 00:14:25,519
independent movie theaters...
335
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,679
and that's just in one coffee shop.
336
00:14:31,010 --> 00:14:33,039
(GASPS) Comic Book Guy?
337
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,999
Yes, I often come here to recharge.
338
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,850
In Portland I'm quirky,
rather than objectionable.
339
00:14:37,856 --> 00:14:39,274
Do you sell comic books here?
340
00:14:39,275 --> 00:14:42,039
No. Marijuana. And artisanal salami.
341
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,109
Laced with marijuana.
342
00:14:44,110 --> 00:14:47,366
(ACOUSTIC SIMPSONS THEME PLAYING)
343
00:14:54,790 --> 00:14:57,289
Stupid Flanders Street.
344
00:14:57,290 --> 00:15:00,120
Okay, this is where your mom is.
345
00:15:00,129 --> 00:15:01,399
Help me get her back.
346
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,200
Please help me get her back.
347
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:07,679
Ooh. Hello, Nicolas Cage.
348
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:08,840
(GROWLS)
349
00:15:08,850 --> 00:15:11,699
Dad, she's gonna know
that's not your real hair.
350
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:14,779
You've got to have a modicum
of faith in who you are.
351
00:15:14,780 --> 00:15:16,180
It's a snap.
352
00:15:17,441 --> 00:15:19,649
Cool.
353
00:15:19,650 --> 00:15:22,179
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Welcome, new friend,
354
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:23,359
whoever you are.
355
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,419
Homie!
356
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:27,071
You're here a day early.
357
00:15:27,072 --> 00:15:29,099
BOTH: Mom!
358
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:32,699
Mm. Oh, I've missed you all so much.
359
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:34,179
How are you guys?
360
00:15:34,180 --> 00:15:36,989
Oh! We were, of course, unraveling.
361
00:15:36,990 --> 00:15:40,399
Bart, Lisa, your grampa is
taking good care of you.
362
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,880
- (MEOWS)
- Now where's the baby?
363
00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:45,840
Aw. Good girl.
364
00:15:45,841 --> 00:15:48,426
Um, I like what you're wearing.
365
00:15:48,427 --> 00:15:51,239
Thank you. These are
locally-sourced dungarees
366
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,619
and Pendleton flannel.
367
00:15:52,620 --> 00:15:54,119
It's what Jill Sobule wore
368
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,979
when she played the Crystal Ballroom.
369
00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:57,919
(GASPS) Jill Sobule?
370
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:01,419
Like every other place
we go, I love Portland.
371
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:03,659
So much, I want to leave Springfield
372
00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:06,559
until I find out something
bad that makes me realize
373
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,199
that there's no place like home.
374
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,359
Now, now, your mother
has not settled in here.
375
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,439
PAULA: Welcome.
376
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,453
These are our pugs: Nike and Swoosh.
377
00:16:15,454 --> 00:16:16,790
BOTH: Mwah.
378
00:16:17,873 --> 00:16:19,541
_
379
00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:21,877
_
380
00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:34,889
Marjorie, could you and I
have a word in the backyard?
381
00:16:34,890 --> 00:16:36,807
Don't you see what's happening here?
382
00:16:36,808 --> 00:16:39,699
- You're married.
- Yes, I know.
383
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:42,779
- To you.
- No, to her. Look around.
384
00:16:42,780 --> 00:16:45,619
You're married in the two most
important ways there are:
385
00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:48,059
emotionally and cooking.
386
00:16:48,060 --> 00:16:50,479
(CHUCKLES): Oh. That's ridiculous.
387
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:52,999
(QUIETLY): You're fostering pugs.
388
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,034
- They remind me of you.
- Aw.
389
00:16:55,035 --> 00:16:58,039
But I am upset. I'm
finally good at something
390
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,789
and you have to be jealous.
391
00:16:59,790 --> 00:17:02,219
Marge, sweetie, I'm really proud of you.
392
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:03,760
I'm not jealous or mad.
393
00:17:03,770 --> 00:17:06,499
It's just... when are you coming home?
394
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,900
Tomorrow, after the competition.
395
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,900
Woo-hoo! I win.
396
00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:13,220
- Not that I was nervous.
- (PHONE VIBRATING)
397
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:17,549
_
398
00:17:17,550 --> 00:17:20,199
Unless we win, in which case,
399
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,699
I might stay and prep for the finals.
400
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,419
Marge, I've backed you
in this from day one.
401
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,099
No, you haven't. Not a bit.
402
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:29,480
Then it's too late to start now.
403
00:17:34,825 --> 00:17:36,879
Oh, I'm sitting in a bar
404
00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,699
and my wife's in love
with a female lumberjack.
405
00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:41,699
Classic Portland. Where are you from?
406
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:42,859
Springfield.
407
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,569
- Which one? Oregon?
- I don't know.
408
00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:47,739
ANNOUNCER: Welcome back
to the Grizzly Timbersports
409
00:17:47,740 --> 00:17:49,879
Northwest Championship Finals,
410
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,899
brought to you by no one.
411
00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:53,093
Still looking.
412
00:17:54,428 --> 00:17:56,929
Marge and Paula are in control.
413
00:17:56,930 --> 00:17:59,307
I am falling in love with this sport.
414
00:17:59,308 --> 00:18:01,769
And when I fall, I fall hard.
415
00:18:01,770 --> 00:18:03,819
I'm taking you home with me.
416
00:18:03,820 --> 00:18:05,105
(CHITTERS)
417
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:07,769
Hold the Stella, fella.
418
00:18:07,770 --> 00:18:11,319
Carol "Oak" Connor and
Rachel "The Pine" Cohen
419
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:12,862
have taken command.
420
00:18:12,863 --> 00:18:15,039
♪ ♪
421
00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,959
I can't be silent anymore.
Let me through.
422
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,449
- Eh.
- There's plenty of room.
423
00:18:19,450 --> 00:18:21,839
- Marge, I was a lumber-jerk.
- (GRUNTING)
424
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,799
I'm only happy if you're happy.
425
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,799
Our love is like an old tree.
426
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,369
If you cut it down,
it grows back stronger.
427
00:18:29,370 --> 00:18:31,199
(QUIETLY): Um, that's
not how trees work.
428
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,119
Well, according to my book, it is.
429
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,470
_
430
00:18:34,471 --> 00:18:36,010
(GRUNTING)
431
00:18:37,429 --> 00:18:40,179
- Yay! All right.
- (CHEERING)
432
00:18:40,180 --> 00:18:42,159
I love this sport!
433
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,859
And maybe now I can
love my lumberjack son.
434
00:18:45,860 --> 00:18:47,689
(CRYING)
435
00:18:47,690 --> 00:18:50,179
Ladies and gentlemen, our grand champion
436
00:18:50,180 --> 00:18:53,899
and winner of a Bass Pro
Shops $50 gift card,
437
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,159
Marge Simpson.
438
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,820
- (EXCLAIMS)
- All right, champ!
439
00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:00,199
See you in the showers.
440
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,199
Congratulations, Paula.
441
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,529
You won. Enjoy the hell out of her.
442
00:19:05,530 --> 00:19:08,539
Homer, what is it you
think that I've won?
443
00:19:08,540 --> 00:19:10,479
With me, Marge is a good woman.
444
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,499
With you, Marge is a great woman
445
00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:13,882
with two awesome dogs.
446
00:19:13,883 --> 00:19:15,919
I'm not interested in Marge.
447
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,799
- I have a wife and a kid.
- You have a wife?
448
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,939
She's in Tokyo,
training for the Olympics.
449
00:19:20,940 --> 00:19:24,499
She dances... with the ribbons?
450
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:25,579
I don't know what it's called.
451
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:27,719
So you're not breaking us up?
452
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,799
No. I mean, I'll miss her on
the other end of the bucksaw,
453
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:34,179
and I'll really miss that
$80 grand prize money,
454
00:19:34,180 --> 00:19:37,071
but she's welcome to come
up here and train any time.
455
00:19:37,072 --> 00:19:40,099
I am so grateful. I want
to do something for you.
456
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:41,359
If you'd like another kid,
457
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,039
I am more than happy
to offer up my sperm.
458
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,079
That's very kind, but...
459
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,279
No really, I've always
wanted to have a kid
460
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,079
with no responsibilities.
461
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,919
All right. You're in the top three.
462
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,756
It's you, the track star
or the Harvard professor.
463
00:19:54,757 --> 00:19:56,139
Oh, I get it.
464
00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:58,199
Instead of sperm, would you like semen?
465
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,139
- They're the same thing.
- They are? Uh-oh.
466
00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:03,499
Oh, it still feels weird.
467
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:04,959
I don't know what to say to her.
468
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,419
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
469
00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:09,059
I never would've thought of that.
470
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:11,399
Honey, would you like to come home?
471
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,700
Aw. Okay.
472
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,519
Your daddy loves you, sweetie.
473
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:19,739
He wants to make sure
474
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,616
you're always a strong,
confident little lady.
475
00:20:22,617 --> 00:20:25,030
So I went out and got you this.
476
00:20:26,070 --> 00:20:27,860
Mwah.
477
00:20:28,919 --> 00:20:30,749
(BUZZES)
478
00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:33,899
Aw, her baby head fell out.
479
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:37,100
You'll be getting a visit
from the Head Fairy.
480
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:41,386
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
481
00:20:41,387 --> 00:20:44,659
♪ I walked out of the forest ♪
482
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:47,099
♪ Before we said goodbye ♪
483
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,239
♪ The birds were all a-singing ♪
484
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,679
♪ As she pointed to the sky ♪
485
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,659
♪ She said, "Can't
you see the rainbow? ♪
486
00:20:54,660 --> 00:20:57,029
♪ They made it just for you" ♪
487
00:20:57,030 --> 00:20:59,359
♪ She handed me her toolbox ♪
488
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,069
♪ Said, "Now you know what to do" ♪
489
00:21:02,070 --> 00:21:05,159
♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪
490
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,659
♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪
491
00:21:07,660 --> 00:21:10,331
♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪
492
00:21:10,332 --> 00:21:12,809
♪ With Lumberjill ♪
493
00:21:12,810 --> 00:21:15,319
♪ Vroom, vroom, pull the cord ♪
494
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,879
♪ Buzz, buzz, just one more ♪
495
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,819
♪ Roar, roar, what a thrill ♪
496
00:21:20,820 --> 00:21:24,090
♪ With Lumberjill. ♪
34963
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