All language subtitles for The Unicorn - 01x04 - The Unicorn and the Catfish.SVA.English.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

His wife's funeral
was almost a year ago,

and they're still living off
the meals people made for them.

- Hey, Wade.
- Hey, Tracy.

This man has no idea what
catnip he is to these women.

You are a devoted father,

- you were a devoted husband.
- You are a unicorn.

You know, that elusive creature that
all single women are looking for?

Are you guys saying that all
of these women are only into me

- because my wife died?
- Yup!

You're factory-fresh, buddy.

Delia, I thought you were
crazy telling the kids to watch

Chariots of Fire, but
it was a huge success.

- They're all asleep.
- Nice.

Hey, Forrest, uh, thanks for
taking the girls bowling last night.

Yeah, my pleasure, man. Hey,

how was your date with Lori?

How did you know her name was Lori?

- Because you told me.
- Nope.

No, no, I, uh, right, be...

I said, "You told me,"

but I was gesturing towards
Delia, who actually told me.

- How did you know?
- Hmm?

- Me?
- Yeah.

Chelle... Michelle?

Forrest was on your dating app.

I'm not taking the fall for this one.

It wasn't just me. We
all knew about Lori.

Yeah, but the rest of us
knew not to say her name.

In fairness to all of us, we
did help create the account,

- so it's kind of all of our account.
- No, it isn't.

Plus, Wade, you're new to dating.

So we just wanted to make sure
that when women check you out,

they see you in the best possible light.

Did you change my profile picture?

No, we did not change
your profile picture.

We just found one that
we liked so much better.

Just wanted you come off
as cool and fun to be with.

- Yeah.
- And that you know how to dress.

- Women love men who know how to dress.
- Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause in the
one that you had posted,

and I'm sure it was a mistake,
you were doing pistol fingers.

And my favorite movie
is not Love Actually.

Yeah, bro, but for "favorite movie"

you can't put "not really a movie guy."

But I'm not really a movie guy.

- No!
- You can't put that!

Honestly, guys, I'm starting to think

that you don't trust
me with my own life.

I know it's hard to hear, but

I'm glad we got that out on the table.

Look, I'm being serious.

I really need for you guys
to respect my boundaries.

I mean, if I'm gonna have one
food for the rest of my life,

it's not gonna be tiramisu.

That one is on me because it's
like pudding with a secret.

We just wanted to spice it up a bit.

Sorry if we overstepped.

But, clearly, we were
doing something right

- if you got matched up with Lori and Teresa...
- Yes.

... and Shannon and...

Who Michelle told me about.

I'm not taking the fall.

- Take a fall.
- No.

Hey, Dad, look. Guess
what's coming back?

Passion Train.

Oh, that's... that's...
that's great. What is it?

- It's a TV show.
- We used to watch it with Mom.

- Oh, is it good?
- No.

It's bad, but we used to
curl up in bed with her

and laugh at how silly it was.

Well, I could watch it with you.

Yeah, no. You wouldn't
get it. It's a girl thing.

Ah, well, uh, oh!

I know a girl you could
watch it with: Delia.

Yeah...

- Michelle?
- Yes!

- She's really fun. We should ask her.
- Let's ask her.

- What are you doing?
- I'm changing my dating profile.

My friends keep messing with it.

I mean, look at this.
A quote by Maya Angelou?

I didn't pick that.

You don't like Maya Angelou?

Of course I do. Everybody
loves Maya Angelou,

but I didn't pick it.

And now that I've read it,

I'm gonna keep it, but
still, I should've picked it.

You know what?

I'm changing my password.

Oh, no.

Hi. I'm with a patient.

- He locked us out.
- What?

I'm trying to log into his
profile, it's not working.

- Did you try the word "password"?
- Yes.

And then I tried Grace and then Natalie,

- and then I tried my birthday. Nothing!
- Your birthday?

- Forrest, why would it be your birthday?
- Because we're very close.

Wade is old-school. I guarantee you

he has his passwords
written on a piece of paper.

You're saying we break into his house.

No, I'm saying he has a
key under the door mat.

- He's old-school.
- I blame Forrest.

He really blew it with
that whole Lori thing.

Ben is the one who
suggested Love Actually.

It's a good movie.

I don't know. I could never
get into Hugh Grant, you know?

He's unassuming and likable,
but he's better than me.

It is Wade's profile.
I think we're done.

Are you saying we're just gonna give up?

I don't know if I can do that.

Let me just try, real quick,

my birthday plus the pound sign.

Damn.

Helen,

this is great pumpkin bread.

It's so moist.

How do you do that?

Uh, Nat, come on, you
got soccer practice.

Coming!

So you look nice. You going out? Yeah.

- W... with a lady?
- Yeah.

- Love you, Dad.
- I love you, too.

So you aren't gonna give
us any more than that?

Nope.

So the only intel that
I could get from Michelle

is that Wade went on a date,

and when he pulled out of the driveway,

- he went west.
- Mm-hmm.

Honey, is that another one
of those boat magazines?

Yeah, yeah. Look at this
40-foot beauty right there.

Not an inch of fiberglass
on this thing, all teak.

This is the one, right here.

- You know we can't afford a boat, right?
- I know.

- Okay. But someday, when our ship comes in...
- Uh-huh.

... that could be our ship.

But, sweetie, we live
two hours from the ocean,

and you wouldn't be able to
go to the bathroom on that boat

because you can't even go at the mall.

On a boat, it's called "the head."

- Okay. Thank you.
- Okay.

Wade was a little hot
under the collar today, huh?

Yeah, he was, but you know what,

honestly, I think we're
driving him a little crazy.

Maybe we should trust his taste.

He'll find the right woman for himself.

Yeah, I mean, he found Jill.
We didn't even know him then.

Yes, he found Jill.

Obviously, he could see what an
incredibly special person she was.

But what if that was a fluke?

What if the next one's a real clunker?

We'd be stuck with her, too.

She'd be with us at every
soccer game and school play

and we'd have to sit next
to her at Grace's wedding.

- What if she's a yapper?
- What if she doesn't drink?

- What?
- Oh. No.

We will not stand by while
our friend does this to us.

- You mean "to himself," right?
- Well, that goes without saying, Forrest.

- Yeah.
- Oh, right. Of course.

So, at my job, I just sit
in front of the computer.

I really don't have that much to do.

So I was tooling around Mashnote,

and I realized that there's a backdoor.

Did you hack into their system?

Well, now it's just
gonna sound disappointing.

If we promise not to be
disappointed, will you tell us?

I created a fake
account for a fake woman

so we can see Wade's real profile.

- Oh, she's beautiful.
- I got her picture off a tube of bath salts.

- Does she have a name?
- Great question. She sure does.

Zoya.

- Okay. Is there any wiggle room with that?
- No.

You see, we can't see Wade's profile,

but Zoya can just "mash" him...

Oh, God, he went back
to the finger pistols.

He changed everything.

He did keep the Maya Angelou quote.

- Everybody likes Maya Angelou.
- Yeah.

- What was that sound?
- He just mashed her back.

So then Zoya could tell him
that she'd love to see him

in a summer-weight
suit with open collar,

smiling in front of a window treatment

- and no finger pistols.
- Watch this.

"You're so handsome.

I'd love to see you in seersucker
bathed in natural light,

exclamation point, winky face."

- Good job.
- He's writing back.

"Thanks for the tip, smiley face."

- Just close the computer.
- Yeah.

- Quit while we're ahead.
- Of course.

"How are you tonight?"

No need to be rude.

"I'm doing just fine, thanks,

shy face."

And I'm done.

Yeah, I'm done.

- So who's he?
- That's Jake,

the one that's sharing the
sleeper car with Brianne.

Okay, got it, and he's
got the golden ticket.

No, no one's got the golden ticket.

The winning couple gets
it at the end of the show

- when they get to Miami.
- Oh, right, right, right.

Who's that?

That's still Jake.

Do we have to watch this?

- You don't.
- It's a girl thing.

Fine. I'll watch it.

What is going on in there?

Why is there cereal all over my floor?

Are they on a train?

Yes, it's called Passion Train.

Why are they kissing?

That's the "passion" part.

Mom, can you make Noah leave?

- Noah, go play in your room.
- Fine, but I'm taking the cookies.

No, you're not.

- Rude.
- Sorry, what'd I miss?

Ooh, who's he?

That's Jake.

- There are too many Jakes on this show.
- There's only one.

Why is it so quiet in there?

I know you're up to
something when it's quiet.

Now the girls are trying
to watch their show in peace

and you are not
helping, are they, girls?

No.

- Jake drinks too much.
- That's Colton.

Who you texting?

Wade.

Just talk to him, he's right there.

No. Okay,

I'm not textig with Wade,

Zoya is.

- Hmm?
- Winky face.

Oh, that is so funny.

Look, he just texted "LOL,"

but it's nice to actually see it.

Wait, you're texting Wade?

- Yes. Yes.
- Right now?

- As Zoya?
- You get it.

No, I don't. Why would
you keep chatting with him?

He kept writing back. I didn't
want to hurt his feelings.

- Hey! Ben, that is private.
- Oh, my God.

You've been doing this for days.

Well, it turns out we
have a lot in common.

Of course you do. You've been
friends for, like, ten years!

I know, I know, I know, but

I'm seeing a different side of him.

- How... wh...
- It's just harmless chitchat.

- You...
- Hey, guys, I, um...

I think I may have met someone.

- Mm!
- Yeah.

- That is so great.
- Is it?

I posted my new profile
online, and bam, there she was.

I mean, it's usually so awkward

when you first start
chatting with someone,

but I... I... I feel like
I've known her for years.

And you would really like her, Forrest.

- She's really into boats.
- What do you know?

I would love to meet her.

- Let me freshen you up.
- Okay.

- It's just chitchat.
- You gotta stop.

I've got to stop!

Ah, okay. I'm gonna go to bed.

Try some other options on
the white noise machine,

'cause last night there
was this little click

when the waterfall
sound started over again.

Kept me up all night.

- Crackling fire's nice.
- It's too hot for that.

Oh, yeah.

- You looking at boats?
- No.

Why? Do you want to look at boats?

No. Good night.

Night.

_

Nope.

Sorry, Wade.

_

It's not gonna happen, buddy.

Oh, come on, man.

Not a sad face.

I'm not made of stone.

"Hey, Wade."

Why are you in here
laughing like a weirdo?

It's nothing. It's dumb.

Hey, uh, how was Passion
Train with Michelle?

Terrible.

Michelle didn't get it and was basically

- yelling at her kids the whole time.
- Guys. I'm sorry.

- Oh...
- Okay, what are you doing?

Uh, you really want to know?

I am messing with Forrest.

He's pretending to be this woman

on this dating app to spy on me.

Oh, my God. How long did it
take you to figure out it's him?

Two seconds. He named her Zoya.

It's this character from
one of the sci-fi novels

- he keeps trying to get me to read.
- Yeah, yeah, Zoya Salazar,

- from the Dark Frontier series.
- Nerd.

Oh, this is so great.

He has no idea I know that it's him.

You guys were talking
about your greatest fears?

His are public speaking and
eating a spider in his sleep?

Yeah, yeah. It's gotten deep.

But he's got to learn he can't
keep doing things like this.

Tell Zoya you want to meet her.

- No. Should I?
- You have to.

- Yes, of course.
- You guys are amazing.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no...

"I don't know. This is all
moving a little fast for me."

- I got this one.
- "I am fast. When I see what I want, I... I go for it,

and I want you." Wh...
where did you get that?

Passion Train.

Oh...

- Help. Help. Help.
- And Zoya says,

"I'm actually in a
relationship, and I'm moving.

And I got a new job,

that's why I'm moving to
a better job neighborhood."

- What?!
- What am I even writing?

Oh, no, this is okay.
This tracks. This is good.

"Then we have to make the
most of the time we have.

I won't take no for an
answer. Meet me at... "

- What's the name of a bar?
- Oh, um, Humble Pie.

"... Humble Pie. See you in 20."

Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

Can't do it.

- Goodbye, Zoya.
- _

It was a pleasure to be you.

"Profile no longer active"?

- Huh.
- I'm gonna miss her.

- Yeah, I am, too.
- Can we chat with some other real ladies?

Uh, no, no. Let's... Don't do that.

Of course. I stress-ate the whole box.

What were you thinking, Forrest?

- What was your end game?
- I didn't have an end game.

I just felt like we had a connection.

I shared, he shared. And,
yeah, I got carried away.

- Is that why you keep coming to bed late?
- No.

Maybe.

But it's okay now. I
think I ended it elegantly.

- Hey, Wade.
- Hey, guys.

- How you doing?
- How you doing, man? You okay?

Ah, well, I... I had a rough night.

I went to Humble Pie to meet
this woman and got stood up.

- Oh, I hate to hear that.
- Oh, dear!

Yeah, but you're fine
now, though, right? Yeah.

He's fine. See? Wadester's fine.

Yeah, I'm really... I'm not.

I went on the app to find
her profile, and she was gone.

I think I got ghosted, and it hurt.

I mean, I didn't think
that it would, but it...

it really hurts.

Anyway, uh, I'll see you guys later.

I told you he was fine.

I know. I know, I know.

Hey, uh... Wade.

Um, listen.

Hoo boy.

I've got something to tell you,
and... and it's gonna be pretty rough.

Well, can it wait? I... I
don't know that I can handle it.

I'm already in a fragile place, Forrest.

Oof. Okay.

I know that you've been
chatting with a woman online.

I'm afraid she's not
who you think she is.

- What are you saying?
- What I'm saying is that

I am the lady that you've been texting.

I am Zoya.

- What?
- I'm so sorry.

We just wanted to look at
your dating profile. You know?

And then one thing
led to another, and...

If I have hurt you, I
will never, ever forgi...

Are you crying?

What are you...

Why are you...

Why are you laughing?

Uh, I got you.

Uh... what? You got what?

I got you.

I knew it was you the whole time.

And that's what you get for
not respecting my boundaries.

But it was pretty
good, though, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah...

So this is... this
is just a game to you.

- Uh, yeah, kinda.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, it wasn't a game to me.

It wasn't a game to me.

Are you serious? Forrest.

Wait a minute. Forrest!

How am I the bad guy here?

Where's our car, Delia?

So no Forrest, huh?

No. No, he's still pretty mad at you.

So he's mad at me for catching him

- inventing an alias to spy on me?
- I think so.

Well, at least he's got a good reason.

I mean, he has been talking to
me as this woman for over a week.

Look, I told him he
was playing with fire.

We only meant to spy on you.

That's also wrong, Ben.

You're right, you're right.
Look, I know it's crazy.

But devil's advocate,

you did kind of lead him on.

That was a lot of texts.

- Uh, that was a joke.
- Not to him it wasn't.

Look, I am not going to apologize

for not being in a relationship

with someone I was never in
a relationship to begin with!

But you are in a relationship with him.

Forrest is your friend.

Okay, yeah, that's... that's true.

But what am I gonna do?

I've been texting him all
day, and he's not responding.

Go to him.

Go to him.

Wade.

Forrest.

Uh, these are for Zoya.

I'll see that she gets them.

Ah... Oh, come on,
Forrest, don't be like that.

- I didn't mean to hurt you.
- Well, you did.

Well, in all fairness,
you were messing with me.

No, I wasn't, I was looking out for you.

And then, yeah, I got
a little carried away.

- A little?
- Okay, the thing is...

I just enjoyed our
conversations so much.

Well, I did, too.

They were great. I
learned a lot about boats.

I just think that, moving forward,

we should have those
conversations as us.

Yeah, that's fair.

So, uh, you knew who Zoya was, huh?

Yeah, I did.

So you listen to me when I talk?

- I do.
- Hmm.

Did you read the trilogy yet?

- Buddy, I'm never gonna read those books.
- No.

Look... can we just be
friends again, please?

Yeah, of course. God, come on.

- Oh... I'm gonna put these in some water.
- Okay.

Oh... lilies.

These are Zoya's favorite.
You really are a good listener.

You are one interesting dude.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Were you getting something from Wade

that you aren't getting from me?

No, he's just easy to talk to.

So you don't think I'm easy to talk to?

You... are.

- Forrest, come on.
- Okay,

sometimes you can be a little dismissive

about things that are important to me.

- Oh, is this about your dumb boat?
- Okay.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I
guess I just thought this

boat was just a silly dream.

It is a silly dream. I know that.

But I just wanted you to
share the dream with me

because you're in the dream with me.

- Wait, I'm on the boat?
- Yes, you're on the boat.

- I am?
- We both are.

And we're old, we're holding cocktails,

and we don't know how
to sail that well at all,

so we use the motor in
the back most of the time.

We're so happy.

Look. Look at this.

That could be us.

- Forrest...
- Yeah?

- We're getting that boat.
- What!?

- We are getting this exact boat.
- This boat's $850,000.

We are getting a significantly

- smaller boat than this boat.
- Ah. Yeah.

Come here.

- I love you.
- I love you.

You know, I also have some
silly dreams about our future.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Tell me.

Okay, um...

... we buy a duplex

within reasonable walking
distance of the beach,

and then we rent out the other
half to cover our mortgage.

What?

Get your head out of
the clouds, crazy girl.

Oh...

Oh, my God, Lissa, what are you doing?!

Don't go on the one-on-one with Anthony.

I know, I know, she has such
great chemistry with Jake.

I mean, he made her that
ring out of the wine label.

- Oh, that was so sweet.
- That was so sweet.

- Wait, how do you know about that?
- Uh, what?

Guys... guys can know
this sort of stuff.

- He's looking it up on his phone.
- Dad!

Look at that.

Well, if I'm gonna do this with you,

I just, I want to...
I want to do it right.

We don't have to watch
it if you don't like it.

No, I... I love it.

I mean, not really, but I... I love you,

and you love it.

And Antony is the worst.

No, Kristy L is the worst.

Kristy's like the
girl version of Antony.

Oh, my God! I got it.

Kristy L needs to get
together with Antony.

- Oh...
- Genius.

- Absolute genius.
- Can you imagine that?

- That's genius. I can imagine it. I would watch that show.
- Oh, my God.

- That would be...
- That'd be very entertaining.

They would not serve cake.

- They would serve protein shakes, right?
- Protein shakes!

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