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1
00:00:00,054 --> 00:00:03,367
Ooh, shiny gold envelope,
I wonder what's inside?
2
00:00:03,431 --> 00:00:05,311
Probably just some shiny gold junk mail.
3
00:00:05,375 --> 00:00:09,390
No, look, check it out.
"Senator Varus and Lady Clodia
4
00:00:09,454 --> 00:00:12,021
"cordially invite the
Brothers Longinus to a banquet."
5
00:00:12,085 --> 00:00:14,694
- Yes, come to Daddy!
- Hang on a sec. What's all this?
6
00:00:14,758 --> 00:00:17,817
We're cordially invited to a banquet!
In your face, Needle Dick.
7
00:00:17,881 --> 00:00:20,224
Why would you be invited to a banquet?
- We weren't.
8
00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:23,897
- Cos we're stone-cold legends.
- We weren't invited, it's a mistake.
9
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:27,319
It's addressed to the Brothers Longinus,
and last time I checked, that isn't us.
10
00:00:27,382 --> 00:00:29,032
So how come we got the invite?
11
00:00:29,096 --> 00:00:33,267
Cos our idiot postman delivered it to
11 Via Attica, instead of 11 Via Antica.
12
00:00:33,713 --> 00:00:35,736
- Good.
- We're still gonna go, right?
13
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:39,266
What? No! As soon as we show
our faces, the Senator will see
14
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:42,698
we are not the Brothers Longinus
and have us un-cordially booted out.
15
00:00:42,762 --> 00:00:46,519
Yeah, but look at the bottom, he's put,
"Looking forward to meeting you."
16
00:00:46,583 --> 00:00:48,387
He's not met us...
Them.
17
00:00:49,348 --> 00:00:52,050
Oh, come on, mate,
I've never been to a banquet,
18
00:00:52,114 --> 00:00:54,410
and you're always trying to suck up
to powerful poshos.
19
00:00:54,473 --> 00:00:56,551
I suppose if we got chummy with a Senator,
20
00:00:56,615 --> 00:00:59,574
we could sidestep the council
on our late licence application.
21
00:00:59,638 --> 00:01:02,209
Now you're thinking. How many of
these brothers do you think there are?
22
00:01:02,272 --> 00:01:04,317
- I'd say three.
- Three sounds right to me.
23
00:01:04,381 --> 00:01:06,117
- There could even be four.
- Seems unlikely.
24
00:01:06,181 --> 00:01:07,669
No, definitely not four.
25
00:01:07,732 --> 00:01:12,332
Sync and corrections: minouhse
www.addic7ed.com
26
00:01:27,898 --> 00:01:31,920
- Maybe this isn't a great idea after all.
- Why don't we just go for a kebab or something?
27
00:01:31,984 --> 00:01:34,539
Are you yanking my boy?
It was right faff getting this thing on,
28
00:01:34,602 --> 00:01:37,897
- I'm not wasting it on a kebab.
- Damn right, we've been to all this effort.
29
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,674
What effort? You're wearing
the same shitty tunic as usual.
30
00:01:40,738 --> 00:01:42,675
But I've been practising me snooty face.
31
00:01:42,739 --> 00:01:45,842
Posh isn't about what you wear, mate.
Posh is a state of mind.
32
00:01:50,241 --> 00:01:51,458
All right.
33
00:01:55,046 --> 00:01:56,383
Darling!
34
00:01:57,682 --> 00:02:00,924
The Governors Ilicia, Calperneaus Piso,
35
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:03,021
and his wife, Lady Phyllis.
36
00:02:04,299 --> 00:02:07,299
Hello, the Brothers Longinus.
37
00:02:07,363 --> 00:02:09,661
Oh yes, oh, and that would be your slave.
38
00:02:09,725 --> 00:02:11,145
- Fuck's sake...
- It is, yes.
39
00:02:11,209 --> 00:02:15,003
Slaves dine separately,
along the corridor, down the stairs.
40
00:02:15,592 --> 00:02:18,529
Titus and Publeas Longinus.
41
00:02:18,593 --> 00:02:20,068
Shit, which of us is which?
42
00:02:20,132 --> 00:02:21,943
- I wanna be Titus.
- So do I.
43
00:02:22,007 --> 00:02:24,694
- Publeas, it sounds well nerdy.
- Hence, why I don't wanna be him.
44
00:02:24,757 --> 00:02:28,201
Hence why you have to be him.
Come on, look, I'm clearly more Titus.
45
00:02:28,265 --> 00:02:30,969
Boys, welcome to Rome.
46
00:02:31,033 --> 00:02:32,795
Senator Varus, I presume.
47
00:02:32,859 --> 00:02:36,934
Indeed, well met, very well met.
Oh, now, which one are you?
48
00:02:36,998 --> 00:02:40,310
- He's Publeas, definitely.
- Oh, yes, the military man.
49
00:02:40,374 --> 00:02:44,004
- Ah, yep, that's me.
- Excellent. So you must be...
50
00:02:44,068 --> 00:02:45,897
- Titus.
- Yeah, the scholar.
51
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,986
Exactly.
I am a scholar.
52
00:02:48,050 --> 00:02:51,283
Well, now, Titus, why don't you go
and eat, mingle, and be merry,
53
00:02:51,347 --> 00:02:53,401
Publeas, I want you
to come with me for a moment
54
00:02:53,464 --> 00:02:56,401
and meet a very good friend of mine,
General Agrippa.
55
00:02:58,155 --> 00:02:59,495
Yes, please!
56
00:03:03,795 --> 00:03:06,174
Hello there,
will you be joining us for dinner?
57
00:03:06,238 --> 00:03:08,238
- I will indeed.
- Well, my name is Petronius,
58
00:03:08,302 --> 00:03:11,205
I am domestic coordinator,
please take a seat.
59
00:03:11,269 --> 00:03:12,495
Don't mind if I do.
60
00:03:12,582 --> 00:03:14,651
I'm buzzing about this, by the way, man.
61
00:03:16,444 --> 00:03:18,381
Hang on, what's this mulch?
62
00:03:18,445 --> 00:03:21,698
Well, that's Sloppy Ends,
it's a kind of a left-over broth.
63
00:03:21,762 --> 00:03:23,498
I thought this were a banquet.
64
00:03:23,562 --> 00:03:25,372
Not for slaves, silly.
65
00:03:25,436 --> 00:03:29,436
But if you are still hungry after that,
do tuck into the peel trough.
66
00:03:42,325 --> 00:03:43,951
Extraordinary.
67
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:48,467
- You're a unicorn, you realise that?
- Thank you.
68
00:03:48,873 --> 00:03:49,911
Sorry, what do you mean?
69
00:03:49,975 --> 00:03:54,006
A mythical creature, otherwise known
as a new face at a banquet.
70
00:03:54,070 --> 00:03:55,647
Right, yeah, I just got to Rome,
71
00:03:55,711 --> 00:03:58,061
so I'm new to the whole banqueting scene.
72
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,030
It's not so much a scene as a sentence.
73
00:04:01,094 --> 00:04:05,561
The same guests, the same music,
the same canapes, ad nauseam.
74
00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:09,702
Dear Jove, spare me from
another starling's tongue on toast.
75
00:04:10,504 --> 00:04:12,332
If you want my advice, new boy,
76
00:04:12,396 --> 00:04:15,895
the only way to get through it
is to drink until you black out.
77
00:04:16,113 --> 00:04:17,810
Well, cheers to that, then!
78
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,094
- My name's Rufina.
- Titus.
79
00:04:21,244 --> 00:04:22,922
Titus Longinus.
80
00:04:24,522 --> 00:04:27,256
And how did you triumph
at the Battle of Vellica,
81
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:28,817
despite being so outnumbered?
82
00:04:28,881 --> 00:04:32,897
I guess it was a combination
of stabbing and gouging.
83
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,069
I meant from a tactical perspective.
84
00:04:35,133 --> 00:04:38,529
Right, yes, tactically,
we used the element of surprise.
85
00:04:38,593 --> 00:04:42,897
And the element of being better
at war than them.
86
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,638
I served with his old man, Lucallas,
87
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:48,066
a dear friend of mine, and I made a vow
88
00:04:48,130 --> 00:04:50,522
that if ever these boys came to Rome,
89
00:04:50,586 --> 00:04:52,880
I would guide their path like the humble,
90
00:04:52,944 --> 00:04:55,051
though very well-connected shepherd.
91
00:04:55,645 --> 00:04:59,411
So tell me, how are you coping
with life on civvy street?
92
00:04:59,475 --> 00:05:02,097
Well, we've actually been quite busy,
Titus and I.
93
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,395
Oh, I dare say, plotting
your new careers, no doubt.
94
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,897
Exactly, we bought a wine bar.
95
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,624
Sorry, a what?
A wine bar?
96
00:05:11,553 --> 00:05:13,452
A wine bar.
97
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:49,491
Yo, Publeas, this is a banging party, innit?
98
00:05:49,555 --> 00:05:52,708
Yeah, maybe for Titus,
I've got some crusty war bore on my arse,
99
00:05:52,772 --> 00:05:54,788
demanding to know
how many Spaniards I've killed.
100
00:05:54,851 --> 00:05:56,858
- Cool, how many did you go for?
- 80.
101
00:05:57,233 --> 00:06:00,405
All bad men, though, no civilians.
And I found out some more about us.
102
00:06:00,469 --> 00:06:01,805
Oh, yeah, what you got?
103
00:06:01,869 --> 00:06:05,204
Varus is mates with our dad, Lucullus,
who may or may not be alive.
104
00:06:05,268 --> 00:06:07,525
Also, while I've been depopulating Spain,
105
00:06:07,589 --> 00:06:10,284
you've spent the last three years
taking it easy in Greece.
106
00:06:10,348 --> 00:06:13,897
Greece? That is so Titus.
Ah, I love this guy.
107
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,237
You're coping with being a scholar,
then, are you?
108
00:06:16,301 --> 00:06:19,504
Yeah, relax! I could be brainy
brother, right, it's a piece of piss.
109
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:24,246
Esteemed guests,
'tis now time to repair to the triclinium.
110
00:06:24,310 --> 00:06:27,178
Right, that being said,
I have no idea what that means.
111
00:06:27,242 --> 00:06:29,402
- Just follow these people.
- Okay.
112
00:06:40,626 --> 00:06:43,897
Salve, stranger, we meet again.
113
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,180
What are the chances?
114
00:06:45,244 --> 00:06:48,654
They usually put me next to some
paunchy banker or smug soldier.
115
00:06:48,718 --> 00:06:50,631
Well, you have lucked out tonight,
haven't you?
116
00:06:50,694 --> 00:06:53,567
Have I?
And what do you do, Titus?
117
00:06:53,631 --> 00:06:55,066
Oh, I'm a scholar, yeah,
118
00:06:55,130 --> 00:06:57,896
been scholaring away in Greece
for the past few years.
119
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,381
And what have you been scholaring exactly?
120
00:07:00,445 --> 00:07:04,620
Well, you know, all the Greek stuff, you
know, the language, the history, the yogurt.
121
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,315
Yeah, I'm a big of Greek geek, as it goes.
122
00:07:09,299 --> 00:07:12,672
Before we begin,
I have a little treat in store for you.
123
00:07:12,736 --> 00:07:14,140
Oh, no, here it comes.
124
00:07:14,204 --> 00:07:18,521
The Planetine Players will perform
The 12 Labours of Hercules
125
00:07:18,585 --> 00:07:20,877
through the medium of mime.
126
00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:23,732
Kill me now, none of his labours
127
00:07:23,796 --> 00:07:26,669
are a patch on having to sit through
a fucking mime act.
128
00:07:26,733 --> 00:07:30,350
I can't bear it, I'm going upstairs
to seek immediate refuge.
129
00:07:30,414 --> 00:07:32,692
Okay, right well, see you later.
130
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:35,205
Oh, no, sweetie, you're coming, too.
131
00:07:35,269 --> 00:07:38,178
Second room on the right, meet you up there.
132
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,286
But to extend the bar's licence,
we need council approval, you see,
133
00:07:45,350 --> 00:07:47,520
unless, well,
the Senator were to support it,
134
00:07:47,584 --> 00:07:50,562
in which case they'd sign it off
on the spot, I imagine.
135
00:07:50,626 --> 00:07:54,058
Yes, I've been thinking about this
wine bar folly of yours, Publeas.
136
00:07:54,122 --> 00:07:57,135
- Great! Uh, sorry, folly?
- It's beneath you.
137
00:07:57,199 --> 00:07:59,928
You are a decorated officer of noble stock,
138
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,473
you should be pursuing a career
in the senate, or in the law courts,
139
00:08:03,537 --> 00:08:06,523
not running some cheap saloon
like a common pleb.
140
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:09,417
- It is actually quite swanky.
- What would your father say?
141
00:08:09,481 --> 00:08:12,671
Well, I think he would approve,
in fact, I discussed it with him.
142
00:08:12,735 --> 00:08:15,416
You did?
But he died 20 years ago.
143
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,668
I...
I know, I was eight at the time.
144
00:08:18,809 --> 00:08:22,178
He couldn't stand the lower orders,
and you want to serve them wine?
145
00:08:22,242 --> 00:08:24,634
Oh, well, if you insist upon
tarnishing his legacy,
146
00:08:24,698 --> 00:08:28,635
you go ahead, my boy, but you can
do so without my support.
147
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,266
Bravo!
148
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,110
- Well, then, is it done?
- Yes, sir, keep your voice down.
149
00:08:38,173 --> 00:08:40,988
Is it done, goddamn it,
have you taken care of the almonds?
150
00:08:41,052 --> 00:08:43,238
- I have, sir.
- Just his almonds, though? Yes?
151
00:08:43,302 --> 00:08:45,184
Yes, just his, it's all in place.
152
00:08:45,248 --> 00:08:47,288
Excellent, let's hope he's hungry.
153
00:08:55,461 --> 00:08:56,719
You took your time.
154
00:08:56,783 --> 00:08:59,363
Oh, yeah, sorry, I actually got
well into that mime.
155
00:09:00,781 --> 00:09:02,704
I want you to read to me, Titus.
156
00:09:02,768 --> 00:09:04,721
Read to you?
Well, I didn't bring any books.
157
00:09:04,785 --> 00:09:09,087
- Well, lucky we're in the library.
- Oh, yeah, that is lucky.
158
00:09:09,345 --> 00:09:11,897
How about some love poetry by Sappho?
159
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,604
- That would really get things going.
- Great.
160
00:09:15,505 --> 00:09:18,023
It's just the the letters
are all a bit funny.
161
00:09:18,087 --> 00:09:20,271
- Greek, yes.
- Greek?
162
00:09:20,335 --> 00:09:22,961
Exactly, no, I know, cos I'm a Greek scholar.
163
00:09:23,025 --> 00:09:24,257
That's right.
164
00:09:24,321 --> 00:09:29,053
So I can confirm that's Greek.
Which bit did you want me to...
165
00:09:29,117 --> 00:09:31,603
Why don't you start at the top
and work your way down.
166
00:09:32,874 --> 00:09:36,720
- Read!
- Poem one by Sappho.
167
00:09:37,436 --> 00:09:39,435
- Mykonos...
- Oh, yes.
168
00:09:39,499 --> 00:09:41,762
- Olympikos...
- Oh, that's good.
169
00:09:41,826 --> 00:09:43,611
- Souvlaki...
- Oh, yeah.
170
00:09:43,675 --> 00:09:45,213
Moussaka...
171
00:09:45,277 --> 00:09:46,671
Taramasalata...
172
00:09:46,735 --> 00:09:47,988
Keep going.
173
00:09:48,052 --> 00:09:51,351
Poppalopodus...
Hippopotamus.
174
00:09:56,978 --> 00:10:00,270
Wonderful, oh, so vivid.
175
00:10:00,342 --> 00:10:05,014
And now for your starter,
it's a pan-fried trout with almonds,
176
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:06,960
it's a first of eight courses,
177
00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:09,430
so if you need to make room at any point,
178
00:10:09,494 --> 00:10:11,505
there are slaves with vomit bowls.
179
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:12,964
Enjoy!
180
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:15,476
Marcus!
181
00:10:23,501 --> 00:10:26,050
- What is it? Why are you in here?
- I wouldn't eat the almonds if I were you.
182
00:10:26,113 --> 00:10:27,946
- What? Why not?
- I don't want to be a worry wart,
183
00:10:28,010 --> 00:10:29,962
but there's a chance they've been poisoned.
184
00:10:30,026 --> 00:10:32,093
Poisoned?
Oh, God, what have you done now?
185
00:10:32,157 --> 00:10:35,018
Nothing, I just heard some shady
shit going down in the kitchen.
186
00:10:35,082 --> 00:10:36,839
- Where's Jason?
- Why were you in the kitchen?
187
00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:39,984
I didn't fancy the slave food, right,
so I was squatting under this table...
188
00:10:40,047 --> 00:10:41,647
- Course you were.
- and I heard some whispers
189
00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:43,661
about taking care of almonds.
190
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,300
Okay, that sounds quite a lot
like a recipe to me.
191
00:10:46,364 --> 00:10:48,778
- So why whisper it, then?
- Maybe it's a secret recipe.
192
00:10:48,841 --> 00:10:51,246
Or a poison plot.
We should tell the boss man.
193
00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:53,289
What?
No, I'm not telling Varus.
194
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,061
We might get a reward if we're right.
195
00:10:55,125 --> 00:10:58,897
But what if we're wrong? He's already poured
a lot of cold pit on the wine bar idea.
196
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,048
So eat your almonds, then, you stubborn sod.
197
00:11:01,691 --> 00:11:04,439
No, I'm not gonna eat the almonds,
and not because I believe you,
198
00:11:04,502 --> 00:11:07,698
but because I really don't like them.
And I'm not going to ruin the vibe
199
00:11:07,762 --> 00:11:11,183
based on some vague nut-based
nonsense you might or might not have heard
200
00:11:11,247 --> 00:11:13,017
while squatting under a table.
201
00:11:13,415 --> 00:11:14,834
Drusus?!
202
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:20,663
- Oh, my God!
- What on Earth is happening?
203
00:11:25,241 --> 00:11:26,848
The vibe's fucked now anyway.
204
00:11:31,313 --> 00:11:33,250
- He's dead, my Lord.
- No!
205
00:11:33,631 --> 00:11:35,771
Oh, Drusus, my dearest friend,
206
00:11:35,835 --> 00:11:37,879
how could such a wretched thing
have happened?
207
00:11:37,943 --> 00:11:40,876
From the oral frothing,
sire, I suspect poison.
208
00:11:40,940 --> 00:11:43,418
Poison?
In my own home?
209
00:11:43,482 --> 00:11:46,250
Guards, bolt the doors.
And let them not be unbolted
210
00:11:46,313 --> 00:11:48,250
until we find the wretch responsible.
211
00:11:48,313 --> 00:11:50,250
And where is the Lady Rufina?
212
00:11:50,313 --> 00:11:52,250
She knows not yet that she's widowed.
213
00:11:52,313 --> 00:11:55,726
Someone go and find her
and break the news gently to her.
214
00:11:56,989 --> 00:12:00,250
You, slave, you're not one of mine,
what business do you have here?
215
00:12:00,313 --> 00:12:02,631
Soz, yeah, I was just here
to talk to Marcus.
216
00:12:02,695 --> 00:12:03,897
- To whom?
- Publeas.
217
00:12:03,961 --> 00:12:06,625
Publeas.
Off of the brothers Vaginas.
218
00:12:06,689 --> 00:12:08,450
- Longinus.
- Long, that's what I said.
219
00:12:08,513 --> 00:12:10,439
Yeah, don't mind me, as you were.
220
00:12:16,180 --> 00:12:17,642
I definitely heard a scream.
221
00:12:17,706 --> 00:12:21,410
I bet it's nothing, maybe we should
go back and you know, finish up.
222
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,555
Fuck a duck!
223
00:12:23,619 --> 00:12:27,159
Okay, so it's not nothing,
but how about that finishing up idea?
224
00:12:27,223 --> 00:12:29,884
Oh, my bloody husband's dead.
225
00:12:29,993 --> 00:12:31,448
Husband?
You've got a husband?
226
00:12:31,512 --> 00:12:33,250
Well, no, not any more.
227
00:12:33,313 --> 00:12:35,504
Yeah, shit, sorry for your loss.
228
00:12:35,568 --> 00:12:38,526
No, don't be, I'm not, although
I'll have to act as if I am,
229
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:40,538
or they'll think I've had a hand in it.
230
00:12:41,349 --> 00:12:44,104
I mean, did you have a hand in it?
231
00:12:44,168 --> 00:12:48,515
No! Josus was philanderer and a
bore, but that's not reason enough
232
00:12:48,579 --> 00:12:51,090
to kill him, not quite.
233
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:54,573
In any case, it looks as though
they've found the suspects.
234
00:12:55,214 --> 00:12:56,653
Come on, away with them.
235
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,459
I should probably hang back, innit,
236
00:12:59,523 --> 00:13:02,236
so we don't go in together
with my toga undone.
237
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:04,620
Wise words, scholar.
Wish me luck.
238
00:13:05,749 --> 00:13:07,049
Good luck.
239
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:16,178
Why me?! Make it not be so!
Not him, not my poor, sick Drusus!
240
00:13:17,185 --> 00:13:20,855
- Herbo, put the shits up these two.
- Yes, sir, right away.
241
00:13:20,919 --> 00:13:23,747
No, please don't, Herbo,
don't put anything up us ideally.
242
00:13:23,811 --> 00:13:27,568
You know, all this could be avoided
by a simple confession.
243
00:13:27,632 --> 00:13:29,723
- We've got nothing to confess!
- Oh, do you not?
244
00:13:29,787 --> 00:13:31,610
So you really are Pableus Longinus,
245
00:13:31,673 --> 00:13:34,418
son of Lucallas, former governor of Thrace?
246
00:13:34,482 --> 00:13:36,845
No, okay, I'm Marcus Gallo,
son of Leopardus,
247
00:13:36,909 --> 00:13:39,820
current chicken farmer of Pisa,
and this is Grumio, my slave.
248
00:13:39,884 --> 00:13:42,730
- How do.
- And yes, okay, we gate-crashed a banquet,
249
00:13:42,794 --> 00:13:45,778
but only to get help with our wine bar,
we really do own a wine bar.
250
00:13:45,842 --> 00:13:47,090
I can believe that.
251
00:13:47,153 --> 00:13:48,822
We honestly had nothing
to do with the murder,
252
00:13:48,885 --> 00:13:50,250
I was as shocked as you were!
253
00:13:50,313 --> 00:13:52,395
But not quite,
cos I had given you an 'eads up.
254
00:13:52,459 --> 00:13:54,944
- Like a few seconds before.
- Mm, more like a minute.
255
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:57,313
- What the fuck, Grumio?
- Yes, what the fuck, indeed?!
256
00:13:57,376 --> 00:14:00,094
- You knew about this?
- I told him to warn you.
257
00:14:00,158 --> 00:14:01,371
Well, why didn't you?
258
00:14:01,435 --> 00:14:05,556
I didn't wanna cause a fuss.
Well, admittedly this is more of a fuss.
259
00:14:05,620 --> 00:14:08,024
I heard some fellas plotting
in t'kitchen, is all.
260
00:14:08,088 --> 00:14:10,028
Fellas?
Which fellas?
261
00:14:10,175 --> 00:14:12,250
It's hard to say, cos I were under a table.
262
00:14:12,314 --> 00:14:15,230
Oh, so you have no proof,
how terribly convenient!
263
00:14:15,294 --> 00:14:18,970
Maybe just take our word for it?
We're being honest now. I promise.
264
00:14:19,332 --> 00:14:21,752
Herbo, break these two
until you get a confession,
265
00:14:21,823 --> 00:14:23,664
I'm going to find the brother.
266
00:14:24,279 --> 00:14:27,451
He's not actually my brother!
I'm being honest now, you see.
267
00:14:39,332 --> 00:14:41,641
Search the whole place, search every room!
268
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,017
Right away, sir.
269
00:14:47,132 --> 00:14:48,396
Who are you?
270
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:49,986
Oh, hello.
271
00:14:50,291 --> 00:14:52,553
I'm no-one, really.
272
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:56,352
- What a lovely dolly!
- Are you playing hide-and-seek?
273
00:14:56,868 --> 00:15:00,835
Yeah, exactly, I can't find
that daddy of yours anywhere,
274
00:15:00,899 --> 00:15:02,839
maybe he snuck out of the house.
275
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:06,699
That's cheating,
you're not allowed to go outside.
276
00:15:06,763 --> 00:15:08,829
Yeah, sure, but still, is that possible?
277
00:15:08,893 --> 00:15:11,150
Like, is there a secret way out of here?
278
00:15:11,214 --> 00:15:13,021
There's the slave's entrance.
279
00:15:13,085 --> 00:15:15,141
Great!
And where is that again?
280
00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:18,374
It's past the triclinium
and down the stairs.
281
00:15:18,438 --> 00:15:19,705
Amazing, thanks, babe.
282
00:15:21,176 --> 00:15:24,313
Actually, you don't know
how to do up a toga, do you?
283
00:15:27,078 --> 00:15:28,667
He was my life!
284
00:15:28,731 --> 00:15:32,112
I cannot smile without him, let alone live!
285
00:15:32,176 --> 00:15:34,748
What a vile business this is!
286
00:15:34,812 --> 00:15:37,250
It's hideous, it's beyond hideous.
287
00:15:37,313 --> 00:15:38,752
So, have they confessed?
288
00:15:38,816 --> 00:15:42,814
Not yet, but Herbo will see to that,
whilst we seek out the other one.
289
00:15:42,878 --> 00:15:45,556
Surely it's them,
who else could it possibly be?
290
00:15:47,604 --> 00:15:49,536
Well, there he is, the scoundrel!
Guards!
291
00:15:50,946 --> 00:15:52,541
Guards, guards!
Cuff him!
292
00:15:58,187 --> 00:15:59,488
Shit, that hurts!
293
00:15:59,816 --> 00:16:01,550
How are you so bloody calm, Grumio?
294
00:16:01,614 --> 00:16:04,561
Just blocking it out, mate.
Try and think about something else.
295
00:16:05,187 --> 00:16:07,145
I can only really think about being whipped!
296
00:16:07,739 --> 00:16:09,342
I'm focusing on cheesecake.
297
00:16:10,126 --> 00:16:13,338
- I don't really like cheesecake.
- You don't like cheesecake, for real?!
298
00:16:13,402 --> 00:16:16,057
- I don't like creamy desserts.
- You don't like creamy desserts?!
299
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,350
This isn't helping, Grumio.
300
00:16:17,421 --> 00:16:20,297
- Why don't you like creamy desserts?
- I find them a bit sickly.
301
00:16:21,069 --> 00:16:22,833
Can you stop thinking about food
302
00:16:22,897 --> 00:16:25,475
and try to remember those poisoners,
you greedy gimp?!
303
00:16:25,912 --> 00:16:27,931
Hello, he's stopped now, look.
304
00:16:27,995 --> 00:16:30,050
No, he hasn't,
he's gone to get a new weapon.
305
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:32,404
- Fuck this, I'm going to confess.
- To the murder?
306
00:16:32,468 --> 00:16:34,608
To everything.
Murder, burglary, arson,
307
00:16:34,672 --> 00:16:37,043
I'll say I killed Caesar,
anything to make this stop.
308
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:40,563
What's that, please?
309
00:16:40,627 --> 00:16:42,930
This is clamp for testicles.
310
00:16:42,993 --> 00:16:45,962
Oh, no, no, please, I did it,
please don't touch my nuts!
311
00:16:46,026 --> 00:16:48,581
- I'm still using them!
- Nuts, that's it!
312
00:16:48,645 --> 00:16:50,250
- I'm the murderer.
- Almonds!
313
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:53,112
- So you confess?
- Go and get Varus. I did it, it was me.
314
00:16:53,176 --> 00:16:54,910
No, we didn't, I've got proof.
315
00:16:54,974 --> 00:16:56,663
- What? Have you?
- Almonds,
316
00:16:56,727 --> 00:17:00,107
the bloke in the kitchen said it funny,
he called them almonds, with a "luh".
317
00:17:00,590 --> 00:17:04,250
- Does that definitely count as proof?
- If I could find the guy who says AL-monds,
318
00:17:04,313 --> 00:17:06,154
then we're off the hook, literally.
319
00:17:06,218 --> 00:17:10,069
In which case, Herbo, it wasn't me
after all, I withdraw my confession.
320
00:17:11,003 --> 00:17:12,861
Oi.
Where is he?
321
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,881
Oi, hang on!
322
00:17:35,173 --> 00:17:38,144
Do you see this item,
which I hold before you?
323
00:17:38,208 --> 00:17:40,372
- Yes, I do.
- And what would you call it?
324
00:17:40,436 --> 00:17:42,910
- I'd call that a nut.
- Yeah, but what sort of nut?
325
00:17:42,973 --> 00:17:46,580
Ooh, now, well, I'm not that good
with their names, is it a pecan?
326
00:17:46,652 --> 00:17:47,857
No, not a pecan.
327
00:17:47,921 --> 00:17:50,226
- Oh, is it maybe a walnut, then?
- No, try again.
328
00:17:50,290 --> 00:17:53,521
- If I could have a nibble, maybe I could...
- It's a fucking almond!
329
00:17:53,585 --> 00:17:54,694
It's not your turn, Grandad!
330
00:17:54,758 --> 00:17:57,568
Yes, it is an almond.
Sorry, is this some kind of party game?
331
00:17:57,632 --> 00:18:00,934
- Sort of, it's evidence gathering.
- It's a steaming pile of horse shit.
332
00:18:00,998 --> 00:18:03,429
You're right.
Herbo, back to the dungeon with them!
333
00:18:03,493 --> 00:18:06,369
- Heat up the poker!
- Come on, we've almost cracked it.
334
00:18:06,433 --> 00:18:08,703
Help!
Help!
335
00:18:08,767 --> 00:18:11,527
Where is that dreadful mewing sound
coming from?
336
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,311
It's me, Jason.
I mean, Titus!
337
00:18:14,625 --> 00:18:18,372
I'm down in your heating thing,
I'm all lost and sweaty.
338
00:18:18,436 --> 00:18:20,767
How in Hades did you get down there?
339
00:18:20,831 --> 00:18:22,371
I just sort of crawled in, yeah.
340
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,491
Herbo, another oik for the dungeon.
341
00:18:24,555 --> 00:18:28,185
Oh, no, come on, please, I've got
some juicy goss about the old murder.
342
00:18:28,249 --> 00:18:30,203
I can blow this case wide open.
343
00:18:33,131 --> 00:18:34,360
Come on, out with it.
344
00:18:34,424 --> 00:18:36,548
- A glass of water would be nice.
- Speak, damn you!
345
00:18:36,611 --> 00:18:39,481
Okay, so, before the banquet started,
346
00:18:39,545 --> 00:18:42,608
I snuck in here and had a
little play with the seating plan.
347
00:18:42,672 --> 00:18:45,096
You meddled with my placements?
That's disgraceful!
348
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,016
Yeah, I'm sorry, it's just that I
was getting some serious vibes
349
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,227
off of Rufina,
so I moved her name card next to mine.
350
00:18:51,291 --> 00:18:53,281
I had no knowledge of this,
I can assure you.
351
00:18:53,345 --> 00:18:55,873
Neither the seating change, nor the vibes.
352
00:18:55,937 --> 00:18:58,802
But this only implicates you further,
you shiny fool.
353
00:18:58,866 --> 00:19:02,062
Openly admitting that you had
designs on the dead man's wife.
354
00:19:02,126 --> 00:19:05,821
No, wait, there's more. So after that,
I've gone and done another switcheroo,
355
00:19:05,884 --> 00:19:08,038
so that Marcus could bend your ear
about the bar.
356
00:19:08,102 --> 00:19:11,109
You see, geeze, you were supposed
to be sat there in his seat.
357
00:19:11,173 --> 00:19:13,068
So I was the target?
358
00:19:13,132 --> 00:19:15,460
My lord, heaven forfend!
359
00:19:15,524 --> 00:19:18,627
Now be calm, Petronius,
I live still, do I not?
360
00:19:18,810 --> 00:19:23,592
Well, now, this is news indeed,
but I fail to see how this exonerates you.
361
00:19:23,928 --> 00:19:26,912
The only change is the identity
of the intended victim.
362
00:19:26,976 --> 00:19:30,776
Senator Varus, may I be permitted
to ask a question of the Lady Rufina?
363
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,041
Oh, proceed.
364
00:19:32,348 --> 00:19:36,777
My lady, did your late husband, Drusus, have
a nut allergy, could that be how he died?
365
00:19:36,841 --> 00:19:39,847
Certainly not, he frequently
nibbled a nut of an evening.
366
00:19:39,911 --> 00:19:41,698
- Interesting.
- Hardly,
367
00:19:41,762 --> 00:19:43,660
this is desperate stuff, I must say...
368
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:47,808
In which case, my lady, what would
he have called one of these?
369
00:19:48,082 --> 00:19:50,461
He would have called it an AL-mond.
370
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:54,195
It was one of his many idiosyncrasies,
I so adored.
371
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:56,732
It were him, then,
it's the corpse what done it.
372
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,268
Oh, nonsense!
373
00:19:58,332 --> 00:20:01,461
Why on Earth would Drusus want
to murder his best friend
374
00:20:01,524 --> 00:20:02,693
and business partner?
375
00:20:02,757 --> 00:20:05,843
Well, clearly having his way
with my wife was not enough,
376
00:20:05,907 --> 00:20:08,617
he wanted to get his hands
on my company, too!
377
00:20:08,681 --> 00:20:11,943
- What are you talking about, husband?
- Oh, come on,
378
00:20:12,007 --> 00:20:15,737
Clodia, we've known about your
tawdry little affair for years!
379
00:20:15,801 --> 00:20:18,560
Yes, all those visits
to your so-called pustulous aunt.
380
00:20:18,624 --> 00:20:21,821
She is pustulous,
I was draining her weeping sores.
381
00:20:21,884 --> 00:20:25,418
You were plotting my death with your lover,
don't you dare deny it!
382
00:20:25,482 --> 00:20:28,263
Well, do you blame me?
With a husband who won't even look at me
383
00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:31,251
because he's too busy fucking Petronius!
384
00:20:36,895 --> 00:20:41,345
Thank you so much for a lovely evening, perhaps
we could have you round to ours some time?
385
00:20:41,409 --> 00:20:43,499
No, never, leave at once.
386
00:20:43,663 --> 00:20:47,335
Sure, just... I wonder whether,
seeing as we solved the murder,
387
00:20:47,399 --> 00:20:50,461
and in a way saved your life,
would you maybe reconsider
388
00:20:50,524 --> 00:20:52,524
helping with the late licence application?
389
00:20:52,588 --> 00:20:57,070
- Shoo, now, before I summon Herbo.
- Yes, no, will do, goodbye.
390
00:20:57,631 --> 00:21:02,034
Rufina, hey, I was gonna say,
now you're officially a widow,
391
00:21:02,098 --> 00:21:05,135
maybe we should hook up sometime
for another cheeky poetry recital?
392
00:21:05,199 --> 00:21:09,130
Oh, you're very sweet,
like a licky little dog,
393
00:21:09,194 --> 00:21:12,992
but now I'm a widow, I've come into
a very large sum of money.
394
00:21:13,056 --> 00:21:14,461
Oh, wicked, well done.
395
00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:18,461
So if I want a handsome stud to read
me Greek poetry, then, well,
396
00:21:18,524 --> 00:21:20,926
I'll probably just go to Greece.
397
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,060
Call that a banquet?
I only had a few nibbles.
398
00:21:28,124 --> 00:21:29,981
Tell me about it, I'm starving.
399
00:21:30,044 --> 00:21:32,461
- We could always get that kebab.
- Now you're talking!
400
00:21:32,524 --> 00:21:35,166
The Longinus Brothers can keep
their bullshit banquets.
401
00:21:35,230 --> 00:21:38,059
- Keep them!
- Not my back, that's where I got whipped.
402
00:21:38,123 --> 00:21:40,190
Just block it out, soft lad.
403
00:21:41,101 --> 00:21:45,701
Sync and corrections: minouhse
www.addic7ed.com
34162
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