All language subtitles for One Mic Stand S01E03 [1080p]_Subtitles01.ENG

Hi, I'm Richa Chadda.

There are drinks at the back,
just get drunk and laugh.

With me.

Laugh with me! Like me!

No one will watch it!
No one knows me!

No one will laugh!

Hi, I am your host and part time
gym-excuse-maker, Sapan Verma.

And my guest for today's
episode is someone

who has a very serious image on camera,

but is equally funny
and silly off-screen,

Richa Chadda.

And to bring out this side of hers,

we have a well-known humor writer,
turned comedian, turned philosopher,

two drinks down, AIB's Ashish Shakya.

I'm waiting for Ashish to come.
Hello!

-What's up?
-Good morning.

Morning, man. It's good to be--

Did you--
There's a camera in your car.

-I carry around cameras like this.
-These...

-Paparazzi are always around us.
-Paps!

Did you also know that
there is a dude in the

-backseat of your car?
-I just...

I just roam around with dudes, man!
That's how I roll, man.

This is what happens when
people become famous.

-Famous!
-They are called eccentric. Concentric?

So, how do I fit in? What is the
kind of work I am doing with her?

I think you will be the right person
to guide Richa through it.

Because you have a very
strong writing background.

And you've worked with her.

-You've written sketches.
-Yeah, yeah.

You've worked very closely with
Bollywood as well.

Right. Yeah.

So, the idea is that you will be
able to find what's funny and what's not.

You can guide her in that.
The good thing about us is that

because of this, we get to
dole out some wisdom.

-"Richa..."
-"You famous accomplished person,

what you need to do is this."

"Why? Because I said so."

Also, you're performing on the show.

-Yes.
-People don't know that Richa is coming.

-Yeah.
-It's just us on the poster.

Richa's entry will be a surprise
to the audience.

All right! It is good to be here.

Life is good? Yes?

-Yes.
-Yes.

No, mine.

But I'm happy for you guys as well.

Let's get a little personal.

There have been a few changes in my life.

I am 34, which means, my parents
are badgering me to get married.

And we fight about this at home because
I don't want to.

I don't want to have
an arranged marriage at all.

Because I have, you know, self-esteem.

Unlike you guys,

my parents do not appreciate my
social and cultural observations.

They said, "Stop all this
nonsense and get married, please."

I think, it's because they don't realize

that dating and relationships
have changed since their time.

Marriage is not one straight-forward
default option anymore.

It used to be.
Back in their day, marriage was easy.

It was very transactional.

The guy would say, "My
father has a buffalo.

Your father has a cowshed.

What are we waiting for?

Let's boogie!"

Now, not so much, right?

And, I think our parents would
ease off in the marriage pressure,

if they knew how complicated
modern dating is.

But, our words are not affecting them.

There's no room left for an explanation.

I think they need to
experience it for themselves.

They need to know.

There's only one solution, guys.
Our parents need to get on Tinder.

I would pay so much money
to see my mom get on Tinder.

And just get confused on a daily basis.

Just coming up to me
everyday being like,

"This man is sending
me a brinjal emoji.

And there's a water squirting...

Does he want brinjal mash?
Because, I'll make it, but..."

I want to see my mom go
out on date after date,

meet the wrong person every night
and come back dejected every night.

I want to see the hope and
the idealism die in her eyes.

Like I've seen it die in
the eyes of my generation.

I wanted to reach super frustration
levels in love.

I wanted to be frustrated as a third-year
engineering student would be.

Where she is sitting with me at some
roadside bar at two in the morning,

having Old Monk,
one after the other.

Dusting a little bit on
the side, because, mom!

I wanted her to be so
frustrated that suddenly

-ghazal (poems) start making sense to her.
-Yeah!

Because that's what ghazals are for.

Sorrow, pain, frustration, longing.

Life's ruined!

But, in Urdu.

All right, ladies and gentlemen,
that's my time.

Richa.

Hello!

You look way more dressed up and glamorous

than we are, because we just woke up.

-How are you?
-Good. How are you?

I am alive!

I like the fact that you
can make people laugh

and it's like what Oscar Wilde said,

"You can say a lot of
stuff through humor."

Because if you say it straight,
they might kill you.

First of all, thank you
so much for doing this.

-Of course.
-Thank you for doing this.

-Anytime, buddy.
-Anytime!

I'm always happy to come and sit
at a five-star hotel by the sea.

-And with makeup and all.
-And be a mentor!

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, mentor is very strong term.

-Well, Ashish is here to just coach.
-Guide you!

-He is the margdarshak (Guide).
-Captain.

-Margdarshak.
-Margdarshak is the right word, I think.

Firstly, I'll tell you
how I met Ashish, okay.

This is before stand-up comedy
in India had even begun.

Oh, I know this!

I used to read JAM magazines,

-where Ashish Shakya used to be like a
-Yes.

humor writer.

And I was a big fan of his writing.
Then, I went to his office.

Oh, my God! One second.
I'm gonna have a fan moment.

-Is this Stupidus Maximus?
-Yeah.

-Yes! You just realized!
-That--

Dude! That is a promo moment!
That's awesome!

-Thank you so much!
-Please, can I shake your hands!

Thanks, ma'am.

-I'm your big fan, ma'am.
-Now, he can definitely be margdarshak.

-Now, yeah.
-Yes, margdarshak.

Man! I should get back to writing
as people are forgetting me now.

How cool, dude!

Why do you want to do stand-up now?

Why do you want to do this?

I don't know, I'm a masochist.

That's a good answer!

Because, if you sit and think about it,

you go in front of people

and you put out your personal
thoughts saying,

"Please, somebody like me."

It's a very masochist thing to do!

We're actors.
When we do film promotions,

-we are putting our best foot forward.
-Yeah.

But stand-up is
deconstructing everything.

Is that what you want to do with stand-up?

No. So, I do one thing every
year that scares me.

Oh! Your Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara
every year.

So, what did you do last year?

I went diving. Actually, very much like
Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara.

See! So, stand-up is
this year's adventure sport.

Right now, it doesn't feel so scary.

Obviously because there's
no live audience.

-Yeah, that gives me jitters.
-Yeah.

But so, what all do
you want to talk about?

If you have, say,
ten minutes on stage this weekend.

I remember there's this really...

One of my first auditions was...

For now, a famous film.
Of course, I got rejected.

But that casting director was so...

I've never met someone so rude.

So... obviously, I was 20,
young, ditsy girl.

The most cruel thing was that

she let me do the whole
thing and then, she said,

"Yeah, babe. I said young
and ditsy, not retarded.

So, you're looking a little
bit special right now.

So, why don't you take five,
also exit and never come back?"

-Wow!
-Wow!

-So brutal, dude!
-Wow!

Also, the fact that we are not
from film families, we don't--

When I first started,
I didn't have a manager.

-A PR person. A stylist.
-Right.

If you are not in the industry, even for
people like us, when we were younger

we didn't think that

-there is an army of people...
-Yeah.

-around you doing...
-To be fair, at that time, there wasn't.

-But today there is.
-My entourage is, me and my loneliness.

-Yeah.
-We go together and nobody comes along.

The broader theme could be almost

the story of becoming a Bollywood actor.
To be an outsider and...

-But I have a question for you.
-Yes.

Are you there yet?

Have you gotten your due?

No, my son.

Any tips you want to give on how to

approach the writing
process in the beginning?

Oh, man, just write whatever you
react to instinctively,

whatever you find odd, weird, funny,
irritating, annoying, funny random line.

Can we plan it like a
person who laughs a lot?

You know,
some shows in the audience.

-We do not have the budget for Sidhu!
-I'll be...

-So, probably not.
-Don't worry. Just go all out and write.

So, you have one week.
You have this weekend.

-Let's do this. Let's take some time.
-Done.

Let's meet up again here, in a few days.

The show is in five days from now.

-The tickets are live.
-Yeah.

Proceeds of all ticket sales are going
towards ending nepotism in Bollywood.

Correct.

Things are--

-Have you seen the stage?
-No!

Let's see the stage.

-I'm going to see the stage.
-Yeah!

For the first time.

Oh, shit!

It's a big room!

-Come.
-It's a good thing.

It's a good thing.

-Keep the mic stand aside,
-Yeah, right.

so you get your space.

So now, I've to constantly
talk like this.

-Yeah, are you not comfortable?
-Not at all.

Just be yourself and begin.

Hi, I'm Richa Chadda.
You may have seen me or not.

There are drinks at the back,
just get drunk and laugh.

With me.

-Laugh with me!
-Love me!

She is going through everything,
that comics go through.

Can we see the final performance lights?

-I can see everybody.
-Is this too much for you?

-I want to...
-Not see people?

Yeah.

I like how some of the
bits are shaping up.

I like that we added a couple of
new touches here today,

-which she also liked.
-Yeah, yeah.

-The last joke is very good.
-The last tagline...

-And, she also added a joke in the end.
-That joke is great.

One of the things we wanted
to address is perception.

That's why we are here.

I thought it would make
sense to open with,

"Yes, I'm an Indie actor, guys.

Get it? This is the perception
of the Indie actors."

You can start with a few jokes on it.

So I think, the first thing to
do is to own it.

And when you are assured about it,
crack a few more jokes on it.

Yes.

-Because...
-But...

-Hello!
-Hi!

-You have entered at the right time.
-What's happening?

We are discussing jokes.

And right now, it's not
sounding funny at all.

-That's every writing process.
-That's every writing process.

Yeah!

-So...
-Okay, but what have we got so far?

So, we were talking about
the typecasting

because you've spoken about it

-in interviews, and earlier.
-Yes!

How people thought that I couldn't speak
English because of the parts I did.

How they thought I'm a 55-year-old
because I was Nawaz's mother.

That's like Daniel Day-Lewis
got misunderstood for Abraham Lincoln.

He didn't--

But maybe you should open with
something like that than a typecast.

-And then, break the characters.
-Yes! We have the typecast bit there.

We can do an introductory joke
to get into it.

Right now, we have a basic setup
that goes into the narration row.

Okay, now I want to ask you
a tough question.

One that I've genuinely never asked.

So what if this whole exercise...

tanks?

I go there, nobody laughs.

People live tweet it and
say, "This was shit!"

-"I wasted money."
-Yeah!

-Which is where you start.
-It's not going to happen.

How do you...
Now, don't be a parent to me.

"You'll be able to do it."

Some jokes will work,
some jokes will not work.

Be okay with that, and which is why
somebody like Ashish comes in.

He has an experience of writing
comedy for almost 12 years now.

So, he can spot what is funny
and what's not, right?

-Yeah, put the pressure on me.
-So...

-Now, my insecurities will surface.
-So, the pressure is on Ashish.

If the jokes are not funny,
it won't be your fault.

-What if I made a mistake, guys?
-It will be Ashish's fault.

It will be Ashish's fault.

-Yeah! Don't blame yourself.
-Yes.

See, I know you are
panicking about all of this.

You have a very strong tool, which comics,

specially us, lack which is,
acting abilities.

-Yeah. With these--
-But you guys are really funny.

We are funny in talking, but
you can do voices and stuff.

-Can't you do voices?
-Not as good as you.

-God!
-Give me a sleazy producer's voice.

I've started picturing that guy.

There's that guy--

"Nothing sleazy. Nothing
sleazy about it, just

two shots from top angle, cleavage.

If you want to bend, you bend.
Not bending, I put top angle.

Then, one man climb on you,

second man holding feet. No, no vulgar.
Just the sari, coming off."

Sorry, it's sounding like
somebody from the South

-because that was my most recent--
-But--

-That's--
-"Little navel, madam."

What a dude!

-You can do this character.
-Yeah.

I can do my own driver.
He always says

-that everything in UP is better.
-Yes.

"See the plane flying so beautifully!"

"This is nothing. We have got huge
planes flying in our hometown.

Seeing it, all the swans
and peacocks move aside.

Then, it takes off to the space."

-Glory of ancient India!
-It's amazing, dude!

Dude, when we were doing the
voices, they just struck me.

Our range is limited. Every comic
will do this when we joke about...

I mean, where they have to
talk about a dumb guy, right?

"Hey, what is this person
who is coming, dude?"

"Dude, you are so like...
Just like smoke a joint and chill."

-Everyone has a dumb friend,
-Has the same voice.

who has the same voice.

But one thing I've realized from this
is, we need to get these characters out.

It's because that's your strong point.

And that day on the line-up, both
of us won't be able to do this.

So, this is the role reversal round,
where...

Since Ashish is trying to guide you,

-to do stand-up.
-Mentor.

You should teach us one of your talents.

Let's just work with one dialogue.

Help me out with one.

"Anarkali called. Eating ice cream
is important-- very important."

Okay!

Let's start with people
I've worked with because

-I know they won't be offended so easily.
-Okay!

Sanjay Leela Bhansali?

-Yes, come on.
-Can you do that?

Yes, let's do sir's thing.

You are looking like he's around.
"Is he around?"

No, no. Wait, I'm giving you a hair flip.

-Oh!
-Oh, sure!

"Anarkali called.

Eating ice cream is very important."

I can never do this.

-300 crores! 300 crores!
-This is not happening.

-This--
-But...

Try it out.
Use your charm.

-I don't even have the hair to flip.
-Things?

-No, no, try.
-What is the-- Give me two hooks.

-Imagine a candle here.
-Okay!

You are glowing and looking beautiful
in the reflection. Come.

Okay.

"Anarkali called.

Eating ice cream is important."

I don't know why I
became sleazy suddenly.

Hey.

-I don't think it was sleazy.
-I don't think--

I think he was... shy.

-Open yourself up, baby.
-Open up.

Okay, teach us something else.
Someone else. Who else?

-Can you do Kanti Shah for me now?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Kanti Shah's acting is very bad.
-Yes.

"Anarkali called.
Eating ice cream is important."

Got it.

I want to see how excited or nervous,
or whatever she is. Let's find out.

-Let's see her reaction.
-Let's see!

-Hello! Are you rehearsing?
-Good morning!

Well-done.

I hate myself.

-Welcome to comedy.
-160 people are here.

You shouldn't have told me that.

I thought there would be around
20-30 people.

-No, no.
-If anybody watches it...

No one will watch it!
No one knows me!

-Think about the hamper.
-No one will laugh!

Welcome to
every comedian meltdown ever.

-Listen, do you have--
-This is before every show.

Can you have a laughter track?

Ashish told me that I must keep in mind
that there might be pauses for laughter.

I don't know how to time all that.

That is very... scary to me.

And what if I'm pausing
and there is no laughter?

You know. Those things
I'll only find out now.

I'm very nervous because this is live
and I don't know how it will go.

Are there any fans of Bollywood
in the house tonight?

Yes, I love Bollywood!

I'm a big fan of Bollywood,
but there's one thing I hate.

I hate these new paparazzi
entertainment journalists.

Every day it pops up
on my Instagram feed.

"Here is celebrity outside airport!"

"Celebrity outside
other celebrity's house."

"Look, Disha Patani is buying coriander!"

Now, I know things
I should not be knowing.

For example, I know that Janhvi Kapoor
has a pink pet-bottle named Chuski.

"What's my best friend's blood group?"
I've no idea. To hell with that.

Also, Chuski has a fan
page on Instagram.

With 3000 followers.

I'm doing comedy for eight years now.

Two years ago, someone created a fan
page. It was taken down within a month.

But Chuski is going on.

Why do we know these things?

Every day I see almost 50 photos
of Taimur Ali Khan.

Now the problem is, I'm so
used to seeing his photos...

that if I don't see it for two days,

I start worrying about him.

"Is my baby okay? Where did he go?

Saifu, what did you do?"

The worst thing that I find
about all of these journalists

is this thing called the "gym look".

Have you seen the gym look?

Every day, you'll see
Malaika Arora outside a gym.

And it's a scam, all right.

Every day they have new
clothes for the gym.

They don't have a
washing machine at home.

They come out of the gym doing a catwalk.

I come crawling out of a gym, all right!

You know. These guys have no sweat
whatsoever, perfectly clean.

Dude, when I come out of a gym,
I have under-boob sweat.

And I don't even have, not fully but...

Stop staring, guys!
Stop--

My eyes are up here, okay. Relax.

Relax.

And here's my thing. I don't think
entertainment journalism is bad.

You can do a good job also.
Don't tell me about Chuski.

Tell me about the things
I want to know as a consumer.

I have so many questions.

I want to know that...

when there's no award ceremony,
what does Rekha do?

I want to know this.

I have so many questions.

When Arijit Singh goes
through a break-up,

then whose song does he listen
to, after getting drunk?

Whose songs?

And the main question, how did
Tiger Shroff get abs on his face?

How?

Anyway, speaking of Bollywood,
are you guys ready

for your final act of the evening, yes?

All right, guys. The person
who is coming up next,

you have seen her in movies,
you have seen her in TV shows,

you've seen her in web shows.

But tonight, she is debuting
as a stand-up comedian.

And she has really worked hard at it.

So, I want you guys to give
all the love you have.

Be extra loud and supportive when I call
her on the stage. So, start clapping.

Please give it up for
Richa Chadda, everyone!

Come on, clap!

Hit it!

Just organizing.

Okay!

I have to keep this aside.
One second.

Hi, guys!

-Hi!
-Hi!

I'm really happy to be here.

I started my career with
Dibakar Banerjee, Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

And today, I'm here with Ashish Shakya!

Sapan Verma!

So naturally, my next step is Bigg Boss.

Don't laugh, guys.

You get paid to participate in
Bigg Boss, unlike this place.

And...
Shit!

You're so supportive.
Thank you so much.

But guys,
comedians are quite predictable.

They abuse Bollywood in all their sets.
"Bollywood sucks!

Bollywood is copycat,
Bollywood is loser."

But when they have to do a show...

When they want views,
they need people from Bollywood.

"Richa, please come to my show.

My sister is handicapped.
My parents are old.

I have to buy new AirPods. Please."

Sapan.

I feel very nostalgic about being here
because it's low budget.

Actually, no... no budget. And...

There is a difference between
commercial actors and Indie actors.

Commercial actors get called
on Koffee With Karan.

I get called on Son of Abish!

Had to be! Yes!

I also got typecast as
somebody who likes to abuse.

For one whole year,
this was my wake-up call.

"Hello, Ms. Richa. I've written an amazing
script which is full of abuses."

"No, thanks!"

"It has abusive language.
You will have fun."

"No, my choices
don't depend on profanity."

"Listen to me. You will have to abuse.

-You will love it."
-"Shut up! Idiot.

I told you I don't like to abuse."

And, it never ends.

Three months ago,
I was shooting a promotional song.

And the choreographer walks
up to me and says,

"Madam, your navel should
be seen a little bit."

I replied, "But, how do I do so wearing
high-waist shorts?"

"Only navel, madam, for scenic beauty."

"Scenic beauty."

When I say scenic beauty, you all are
thinking of forests, lakes, oceans.

And this guy is thinking about
the navel on the stomach.

The place where dirt accumulates.

Clap, clap!

So, when I was growing up, I had a very
filmy childhood. But it was very diverse.

My parents introduced me to cinema.

The hero is sitting by the riverside.

Still water! He picks up the stone
and it goes skip-skip-skip.

National Award!

And the next day,
I used to go watch Gunda.

Has anyone watched Gunda?

Gunda is like Shakespeare.

The characters walk to the stage,
and they introduce themselves.

"My name is Ibu Hatela.

My mother is the daughter of a witch.

My father assists Satan.

Do you want to have some bacon?"

And now that you are famous, things
change in your family as well.

You know.

And I have all these achievements.

Jury of film festival, box office.

Hit films awards!
But there's one aunt.

She called my dad and asked him,

"When is your daughter getting married?"

When Masaan was nominated in the Cannes,
she said,

"When will she get married?"

And when Fukrey earned a certain number,

"When will she get married?"

And then, they find out I am
dating a guy called Ali Fazal.

"Why to hurry for marriage?

Settle your career first, dear.

Work is worship, okay?"

The press.
The press is another ball game.

Press has become very intrusive nowadays,
so they ask all these questions.

"Ms. Richa, will your child be a Hindu
or a Muslim after your marriage?"

I said,

"Neither Hindu nor Muslim, my
child will become famous."

Give me some of that nepotism now!

I have struggled a lot, man!

My child should benefit from that.

In fact,
I will leak the ultrasound myself.

If the ultrasound indicates
any motion of my baby,

it'll be a "Motion Poster".

If the child kicks in the ultrasound,

it'll be "Action star"!

My child will be launched before birth

and the film's name would be
"Fetus of the year".

If you like this set, please tag
Amazon Prime and ask them to

give me a raise on Inside Edge.

And...
And, if you hated it,

this is Swara Bhaskar,
signing off, guys. Have fun!

-Was it good?
-You did it!

You've managed to survive.
How was it?

Did you have fun?

I liked how she asked me, "Was it good?"

"Didn't you hear it?
Did you not?"

-So, give yourselves a round of applause.
-Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

This is One Mic Stand. Give it up
once again for Richa Chadda, everyone!

Richa Chadda, guys.

Give it up for Ashish Shakya!

I'm Sapan Verma.
Thank you for coming and goodnight.

-Bye. See you.
-Thank you.

Let's go!

It was good. It was great.
It was hilarious.

This is the first time I have
seen Richa on stage, period.

Never seen her before.

It's a great characteristic
for a comedian,

when they pick stuff
from their personal lives.

And, for her to be doing
that in her first set,

I think that was amazing and very brave.

She just pulled it through.
It was nice.

Was this scarier than doing
what you've tried before and--

-Diving and snorkeling?
-Yeah.

No! This is scary.

-Is this scarier?
-Yeah, yeah.

It's very nerve-racking,
I don't know how you guys do it.

-I had fun, eventually...
-Yeah, yeah.

but for the most part, I was just dazed.

What did you make of the audience?

I, now understand the
reason for a warm-up guys.

I used to wonder that
before a 50 minutes set,

-why would someone else talk?
-Yes.

It's like you've graduated
from the comedy school.

We should just get a
convocation hat and...

I know special, segue, callback.

-Opening joke.
-Oh.

-Look at her!
-Closing.

-Are you proud of me?
-Very proud. Very proud.

I'm very proud.

-So, it's done!
-It is done!

-How did it go?
-It's done!

-Oh, shit! She is watching.
-She's watching.

-Oh, God!
-Please say nice things!

-We are saying nice things, ma'am.
-We can't be honest now as she's here.

-Cut, guys.
-Are you stepping out?