Original subtitles

Hi, guys! Welcome to my beautiful house.

I think I'm a fan of stand-up comedy.

I've attended a few live shows of stand-up comedy.

I've been to a lot of clubs where they organize stand-up comedy.

It used to be my stress buster.

I often used to go to such places after work.

So, I thought it would be interesting if I go from

this side of the stage to that side of the stage and...

let's see if I can be really funny.

Hi! I'm your host and part-time phone slave Sapan Verma.

My guest for this episode is an actress, who is known for breaking stereotypes.

And she is here today to break a few more. Taapsee Pannu.

And to help her transition from the silver screen to the stand-up stage,

is a filmy and funny guy.

East India Comedy's Angad Singh Ranyal.

I can't imagine Angad to be mentoring me.

I was in CSE and he was in IT in the same engineering college.

I never found him to be funny.

Well, even he could say that, "She never acted before in her life."

Because I never pursued acting in college.

But yes, I know him for a long time. So, that kind of makes it easy.

I think he'll be helpful to me.

But, mentor! That's too much for Angad to handle.

Give it up for Angad Singh Ranyal.

I am from Delhi. People from Delhi, give me a cheer.

Don't!

Because nobody likes us.

Especially the people from Mumbai.

In Mumbai, it's worst to introduce yourself saying,

"I am from Delhi."

It's tad below, "I am from Pakistan."

They are respected more than us.

I came here, and I was casually talking to a girl from Mumbai.

The thing is, everybody just assumes that I am from Punjab.

While chatting when got to know that I am from Delhi, and she started backing off.

Then she tells me, "Your face looks okay."

"What do you mean?"

She said, "I mean, you look like a decent guy.

You don't look like a creep at all."

I said, "Is that a complaint or a compliment!?"

Am I supposed to call my father and say,

"Dad, you didn't make me a creep. What is this?"

What do you Mumbaikars think of yourself?

You'll land in Delhi, exit the airport

and all the boys would be standing on the street!

All of them scratching their balls!

This doesn't happen, guys. Please understand.

Some of us scratch our nipples as well.

There's a difference.

Though there's one stereotype about Delhi that I'll agree with,

is that we are aggressive.

I realized this after coming to Mumbai.

I never realized it in Delhi.

There, if an outsider would've asked me, "Why are you guys so aggressive?"

I would've said, "Silly, we're passionate."

You don't know the difference between the two.

If our high five equals to your slap, I cannot help you.

The prime example Mumbaikars have about Delhi being aggressive is Virat Kohli.

"Look at him!

He is so aggressive on the field."

It's below average aggression as per Delhi standards.

In Delhi, we show that much aggression while negotiating with an auto-driver.

"Take me there in 50 rupees, asshole. Come on!"

If the Hulk reaches Delhi, even his aggression would fail in comparison.

If he goes and breaks someone's car,

ten guys from Delhi would go break the Avengers' building.

"Bring us Hulk!"

I wanted to understand how, as a city, collectively we can be so aggressive.

I read about it.

I found out that 800-900 years ago when Delhi was still the capital,

we were not aggressive at all. We were a very peaceful city.

Very innocent!

Then a change occurred.

Somebody spread the news all over the world that India is "a Golden Bird."

The invaders got this news. They said, "We want to go to the Golden Bird."

So they arrived at the capital, Delhi.

We were so innocent. We thought we are the capital, they're the tourists.

We were serving them butter and stuffed bread.

They said, "Forget this. Bring us the Golden Bird."

We said, "We don't have a Golden Bird here.

In the name of birds, we just have pigeons flying all around."

They said, "Your sense of humor sucks!"

We said, "Crooks have a sense of humor, we're too innocent for it."

They didn't listen to us and demolished the entire city.

They took whatever amount of gold they could find.

We thought, "There must be some misunderstanding."

We rebuilt Delhi and there arrives a second set of invaders.

We asked them, "What do you want?" They replied, "The Golden Bird."

"Dude! Who is telling you about this?"

They too, demolished the city. We built it again.

The third set came and demolished it.

They kept on coming. And, this happened six times.

Delhi has been demolished and rebuilt so many times that here,

they got the idea for Lego.

They were like, "It's fun, demolish-rebuild, demolish-rebuild."

By the seventh time, we had gone crazy.

The invaders who came the seventh time,

we pulled them off their horses when they reached the border.

We grabbed them by the neck.

"Assholes!"

"First tell us, who told you that India is a Golden Bird?"

They replied, "Some people had come from Mumbai."

That's how the rivalry started. That's all from my side.

My name is Angad Singh Ranyal.

I've been a sore loser in my childhood.

When I was young, I used to go to tournaments for my school.

I remember, once I went with the basketball team.

The opposite team was very good. Of course, we lost.

I don't know why, I got a fever

by the end of it. I was so disappointed, "How can you do so bad?!"

It has gotten better with age.

Not 100% though.

Comparatively, it's better. At least, I don't get fever now.

Yeah, so my approach for this stand-up is also similar.

I'm going to try my best, to be the best.

I hope I'll perform better than everyone,

because I'll feel bad if that doesn't happen.

-Come on! -Why am I CBA? Oh!

Hello, overgrown kids!

-Oh, hi! -I was just panicking. Hi! What's up?

I think you've taken my on-screen personality way too seriously.

You think I am not fun.

-It's not like that. -But is this fun or not?

-Would you enjoy this or not? -This is fun, right?

No, I do.

Would you prefer this, or would you prefer an interview in some cafe in Juhu?

No, I will prefer this. Any day!

Till I was in college, I used to go to these places.

-Then, it's a college connection! -You guys!

I never went with him.

Okay, okay.

He was not in my hangout group, guys.

-Good, you clarified. -I had a better group.

-That's true. -Right!

We were batch mates.

-That's it! We were not friends. -You were batch mates.

-Okay! -Yes!

I'm a little stressed over which topic are we going to discuss.

-What's he going to do? -It's a stand-up comedy.

-Relax! We'll do it with ease. -Relax, it's just stand-up.

See! I know, I am funny in real life.

-That's a good start. -Look at the confidence!

"I am funny in real life."

Right! Though not when you keep a mic in front of me and say, "Tell me a joke."

-Okay. -It doesn't work like that.

-That's why we've called Angad. -That's what we're here for. Don't worry!

-Okay! -Yeah.

-So, Angad is like your mentor comic! -Mentor!

Hello!

-Since when have you become my mentor? -For comedy, not for anything else.

Let's play something, first.

-We'll discuss the jokes later. -First, we'll play. Let's relax!

Let's play something.

-Yes! -We can do that.

-The one with the hammer. -Do we have to hit it?

By the way, guys! I've got the staff pass.

I'm happy. I can play as much I want.

Alternate career option.

That is why, he selected this place.

This is more important than my credit card.

It means, if he is kicked out of the show,

-Sure! That's what is going to happen. -then he can come here.

That is what I am trying. I'll become the host of the show.

That's cheap! I think he's strategizing.

-I don't think so. -Taapsee, whose side are you on?

I thought together we are pulling his leg.

Since when have you become my mentor? Tell me that, first.

No!

This sudden shift from engineering to comedy.

Do you remember, when I was there in one of the shows?

-I saw you performing. -Canvas! Yeah, I remember.

I was like, dude!

-Previously, Angad Singh Ranyal... -Oh, you didn't know

-I didn't know that he was a comedian. -that he's performing.

You just went for a comedy show.

By the way, we never talked after college.

We didn't talk in college, either.

That is true!

Angad has left the building. You need to find a new mentor for this episode.

Taapsee was the most popular girl in college. Everybody knew Taapsee.

Okay!

My achievement was that Taapsee knew me.

Let me put it that way.

No, but when I saw him at the club

I didn't expect that it will be this Angad.

-There could be many named Angad. -Yeah, there could be many.

Yes. I mean, there could be around 500 Angad in Delhi.

I thought I don't know who this Angad is.

Then this guy came and I was like,

"It's him! He's a little fat now, but it's him."

"It's him!"

"He's a little fat now!"

Wow!

Coming back to the gaming zone, let me hit the hammer.

-Swipe it, first. -Okay.

Let us see.

-Wait! Hold on. -Done! Come on.

Okay.

-I am not a destructive person. -Not bad!

Oh!

I am shocked, dude!

Who won?

-Did I win? -Yeah! You won.

-Yes! So, I'm better than both of you. -At least, he didn't win!

-What is with "He shouldn't win!"? -Oh God!

I am very bad, dude! I am a sore loser.

When was the last time you did bowling?

-It's been a long time, man! -It's been a long time.

Okay, who is going first? I am going first.

Sapan.

-Focus, a little bit! -Like this!

-Now, I'll do it my way. -Okay!

Come on!

It's a good strategy.

-Oh, wow! -Oh, amazing!

You've scored more than 100, Angad.

You must have never witnessed such scores in your life.

It would take you two semesters to get that score.

Why? I used to score 75%.

-Who told you that? -Get your degree, we'll see.

I'll get my degree. There used to be a degree,

which had all the marks in it. Do you have that big one?

I have all the degrees.

-She has kept them all. -We both will bring it.

-Then, we'll compare them. -Yes!

-Come on! Let's go sit there. -Okay!

You've written something for the stand-up, right?

-Have you written something? -Yes! Yes!

-You have written something, right? -Yes!

-Okay! -Let's start.

-Start with what you've written. -What do you want to talk about?

I thought about one of the things.

Award shows!

I mean, I've got some really funny and weird awards.

-Like? -Like?

Like... there's this funny award that I keep getting.

Breakthrough performer. Breakthrough beauty.

Breakthrough! I mean since I've broken the bottle in the movie Pink.

I am just breaking since then.

I mean, every year it's "Breaking."

I don't know when I am going to arrive. But, I am still having my breakthrough.

So , this is the context.

-This is funny. -But is this in the set?

Yes.

-You are going to talk about this. -Yes, we have to.

After this, I feel it's the social media.

-Oh yes, you're very active. -It's a big part of your life.

I'm very active.

You actually respond to trolls, dude!

But what is your point of view on trolls?

-Are they good? Are they bad? -See, they're good!

-Why? -Why?

Because they give me a medium or a reason to, or...

a vehicle to entertain my real audience.

See, my sense of humor gets brushed up while answering them.

And the audience feels that, "Oh, she's savage!"

-Then, there are articles... -Yes!

-that "Taapsee gave a savage reply." -"That Taapsee gave a savage reply."

"This is how Taapsee Pannu replied to a troll."

It becomes an easy publicity stunt.

In comedy, this is a classic flip.

See, everybody will talk about how trolls are bad.

Yes.

So you're doing the classic flip, when you're talking about how trolls are good.

Yeah!

While we are at it, I think

you are very nervous about forgetting things on the stage.

Yes.

I understand that because you get an option for a retake,

-while you are doing a movie. -Though, I don't like retakes.

You don't like retakes. That's great.

-Comedy is one take-- -Not because I am a great actor,

just because I feel it's a blessing from God,

and you got to do it in one go.

Best line!

Also, you've attended so many live stand-up.

-You have an idea-- Yeah. -She was the first to watch live stand-up.

So, that gives you the benefit of knowing the tropes.

-Yes. -I am not worried about that part.

The thing is, it's not like I am nervous on the stage.

-Yes. -Stage doesn't scare me.

This is an unknown territory for me right now,

in terms of what I am saying, or what I am talking about.

They will be very excited to see you.

Yes!

That is a fear.

I just hope they know me then.

Yes. They know you.

-How do you know? -Hey, who doesn't know you!?

-Hey, what is this? -I don't know!

People know you well after you did Judwaa 2.

-Yeah, I know. See, that is why. -See!

People know your hook-step

-from the song Oonchi Hai Building. -Yeah!

-I will do that step if nobody laughs. -Why didn't we think of that?

Before we wrap up... Since, we are very stressed out,

we want to do something called role reversal.

Here!

-You'll get to be the mentor. -You get to be the mentor and teach us.

Teach us something that we don't know.

Since, I've done films in different languages,

I can probably teach you a dialogue...

in different languages, like, in Tamil and Telugu.

-Tamil, the way it's pronounced. -Tamil and Telugu.

-Tamil! -Tamil. It has to be pronounced this way.

I will give you a general dialogue

so, I can be sure that I know it

-properly in all the languages. -So, you're accurate. Okay.

We can do "What are you doing?"

-Okay! -Fine?

-Okay. -So...

-Telugu? -Telugu!

Em chestunnaru meeru?

Sorry! What?

-Em... -Em...

chestunnaru...

-chestunnaru... -meeru.

I'm going to write this down.

-Em ches... -Em ches...

-He's writing this down. -chestunnaru...

-He has OCD. -Em chestunnaru meeru?

-Em chestunnaru meeru? -Yeah.

What is it? How's it spelled?

Look, I've forgotten the original line now. What are you doing?

-What is he doing? -What is he doing?

Em chestunnaru meeru?

-Yes. -I got it.

-Now, all my shows-- -Now that you've written, please say it!

Look, I've written.

I'll just do something like this on the show, okay?

-Okay. Em chestunnaru meeru? -Very nice!

Em chestunnaru meeru?

Enough! She doesn't need its varieties.

-Just say it once. -Em chestunnaru meeru?

-Nice! -Mr. Amitabh Bachchan, relax!

Okay!

-Tamil! -Tamil!

In Tamil, it is called Enna paniringe?

-Enna... -Enna paniringe?

Enna paniringe?

That'll do.

-No! -You are saying it like...

"Okay, whatever!"

-Enna-- -Enna panererick--

I'll get it right. It's funny.

-Sorry, sorry! I'll get it right. -There's an "Rrrr" to it.

Paneeringe?

It's not paneer.

It's not paneer.

-Then? -Enna paniringe?

Paniringe.

-Enna paniringe? -Okay.

I'm better than Angad, right?

-Am I better than him? -Why are you being competitive, guys?

Calm down!

-Okay! Who was better? -You're equally good and bad.

-Nobody has got an edge over the other. -Listen--

On 25th, I'm going to say the same.

No one is going to believe you.

-I'm the mentor for this episode. -My audience will speak.

My audience will speak.

My box office collection will speak.

-That's not possible here. -This is the confidence.

This is the confidence I'm waiting for.

Nice. Thank you so much!

-We learned something and you learned -You're welcome!

-very little bit from Angad, as you said. -Yeah!

We will see you in three days at the venue.

So, this is your venue.

-This is your comedy set. -My venue.

You are further stressing me out by saying all this.

It'll be flooded with people.

Do you want to check the sound?

-Are you good with the sound? -Yes, please!

Hello, hi...

I don't know what's going to happen.

Okay?

What did you think of her material?

I think the material is pretty solid, man.

My main concern is that she is too nervous about

the audience not laughing.

I'm a bit worried about that.

If the jokes don't work,

-she shouldn't panic. -Yes.

Correct. Are you making cue cards?

No!

-Are you not? -Do you remember everything?

I have never used a cue card in my career.

Why will I suddenly start using now?

We're from engineering college, so

-we are used to mugging up. -Listen!

-Please, speak for yourself. -Did you get your degree?

-Oh, shit! I've forgotten. I'm in stress. -I am carrying it.

-I got it. I'll show it to you. -Due to the stress--

Due to the stress, I forgot to carry it.

Without the cue cards, she remembers everything.

That's a big thing because everybody normally takes one cue card.

Even if they don't refer to it, they keep it.

In case they forget, it'll help them.

-She is going all out. -In her case, it's like

skydiving without a trainer.

-Relax! -Let's go through everything on the stage.

-Greet the audience. -Okay!

-Wait for the audience to respond. -Yes, like that.

Then, start your stand-up.

-Look everywhere. -Yes.

She's making fun of you. She doesn't care about what you're saying.

Yeah, obviously!

This is Taapsee. She will do it.

That is her way to calm herself.

-That's her stress relief. -Yeah!

-That's my stress relief. -I allow her to do it.

You are the punching bag.

She is having fun.

She enjoys some of the jokes.

She's just like, "Oh, I'm a genius.

I should have my show on Amazon Prime video."

In Delhi, we show that much aggression while negotiating with an auto-driver.

"Take me there in 50 rupees, asshole. Come on!"

I'll perform for a bit after him, then I'll say

"Are you guys ready for your act?

For the first time, be nice and supportive!"

And when I say, "Give it up for Taapsee Pannu."

walk up to the stage from here.

-I will walk in a relaxed manner. -Yes.

Take your entry in full swag.

Yeah, yeah. You can give high five to people, too. Don't slap them.

Just a high five!

Please welcome back with a round of applause. Sapan Verma.

Give it up for Angad once more, everyone. Come on!

I had a sad childhood growing up in MP

because I was from a very middle-class family.

And I had low standards.

Which is why growing up, my favorite movie was Dhoom.

Don't laugh, guys!

It was the trend at that time.

I was very impressed by Abhishek Bachchan in the movie.

Let me explain.

Don't judge!

I'll tell you why. Because Abhishek Bachchan says this one dialogue.

"Sir, I know where the next robbery is going to take place."

And they say, "Where?"

He says, "Bandra Kurla Complex."

"How do you know?" "These thieves have a pattern.

All their robberies take place around Western Express Highway.

So that after robbery,

they can use the Western Express Highway and run away."

I heard this... and I was so impressed...

by Western Express Highway!

I was!

I was amused by the modern piece of technology...

that breaks the space time continuum!

Is this made by Elon Musk? What is going on?

I was so excited.

In 2005, the first time I came to Mumbai,

my dad asked me, "Where do you want to go son, Essel World or Water Kingdom?"

I said, "No! Western Express Highway."

The temple will be made there itself.

Okay?

I was excited. We went to the Western Express Highway.

Then, I saw the Western Express Highway.

Then, I saw it for two more hours...

from the exact same spot.

But again, these are the jokes I can do now in retrospect.

That time, I was super impressed. I was impressed by John Abraham.

"What a hot villain!"

Leather jacket, jeans, and a slow-motion walk.

That's what his role requires him to do in the entire movie.

I was impressed by this one scene in Dhoom. Okay?

Where John Abraham's friend, who is also a villain,

buys a red sports car.

John asks him to go for a drive.

They go for a drive. Both of them jump from the car.

The car falls in the trench and explodes.

John turns to camera and says this dialogue.

"We're thieves.

We can't possess such expensive things. Else, people will notice us."

And I thought, "Oh, my God. He's hot and intelligent."

It's "GQ Man of the Year", ladies and gentlemen.

But then, in the very next scene, they go to rob a bank on a Suzuki Hayabusa.

A bike worth 15 lakhs!

Because that's not an expensive bike in Mumbai.

I see a Hayabusa every day on the roads.

"Look some delivery guy is going." That's what I think.

Anyway, speaking of Bollywood,

are you guys ready for your final act of the evening?

Yes. You have to be

as energetic as possible because the next person who is coming up,

she is trying stand-up for the first time. Okay?

She is a Bollywood actress. You have seen her in Indie films.

You have also seen her in big-budget 100 crore films.

But tonight, she is debuting on a zero budget show. Okay?

So please start clapping and give it up for the very cool, Taapsee Pannu everyone!

Guys, guys!

Should I not perform, and just go home?

Hi, I'm Taapsee Pannu. Some of you might know me from Pink.

Some of you might know me from Badla,

and some of you might know me from Judwaa 2.

In that case, I don't know who to feel more sorry for. You or me.

But yeah, to be a Bollywood actor is good and bad, both.

Good, because you get a lot of fans.

Thank you so much, guys.

Thank you for the warm welcome!

But the bad thing about it is that the fans have weird demands, at times.

Like, recently someone came up to me and he asked me for a picture.

I agreed, and then he said, "Why don't you click it?"

And I'm like,

"Are you a fan of my acting or of my photography skills?"

Okay, fine! Let's please him. I took a picture with him.

Then, he saw the photo and...

he started criticizing.

"No, actually my hair--" I told him, "Oh, Rajeev Masand!

It's you!"

There are a few other things in an actor's life, like, award shows.

And the bad part about being an actor is to attend those award shows.

Some of them last longer than an actress' career.

I am sure you're aware of a lot of award shows.

We are a very open industry, you know.

We know that who comes, he or she gets an award.

Right?

There are no hidden facts anymore.

But if someone important happens to attend,

it's mandatory to give him an award, right?

For example, Mr. Bachchan has come to take an award.

I mean he has arrived.

You understood, right?

So now that Mr. Bachchan has come, we need to give him an award.

Which award should we present him with because

he hasn't featured in any of the films this year.

So, which award should be given to him?

"Best tall actor who we missed on-screen - Male."

There are many such awards. I've received some interesting ones.

"Most enthusiastic performer - Female."

This is a nice consolation prize.

It's almost like a taunt.

"You don't deserve to get the best actress award.

But your energy is good, so maintain it.

Keep it up!"

Most enthusiastic! Do I look like Ranveer Singh?

"Most enthusiastic performer."

I've one more interesting thing about being an actor.

Social media.

Whatever you post on Social media...

I had posted a picture of mine in an off-shoulder dress.

And then, I started receiving various comments.

I got a comment on Facebook.

"Nice pic, dear!"

It's a medium for parents, so that's why "nice".

On Instagram, I received a comment that said, "Hot pic, babe!"

Very nice, very nice.

After that I got a comment on Twitter which was,

"Hey naked girl, wear some clothes!"

You know, I pity these people at times.

They think that if they're going to abuse me on Twitter, I'll feel bad.

Aren't they aware that I'm from Delhi?

One more interesting thing, I've observed on social media.

Whatsoever you post,

they'll always say anything puttha.

For people who don't understand Punjabi, puttha means opposite.

For example, you've posted a picture of a flower.

Flower, okay?

After you've done it, you'll get some comment on that.

"Flower is a symbol of sex!"

"You are against our culture."

"You are anti-national. Go to Pakistan!"

Unless that flower is lotus.

Lotus.

Lotus is okay.

Lotus is great guys.

Anyway in this country, anything is stated as a sex symbol.

Two gulab jamuns, two rasgullas. (Indian sweets)

Two coconuts.

One bottle gourd.

All these things had good and bad sides about being an actor.

But one thing was there, that is--

It cannot have a good side. It can only have a bad side.

House hunting.

When my broker got to know... that I'm looking for a house.

So, this is how he showed me the houses.

"Take a house in this building.

Hrithik Roshan stays in the adjoining building.

He comes to the balcony in the morning sometimes."

Or "Ayushmann stays on the ground floor of this building."

I said, "Uncle, kindly find me a nice, cozy and a reasonable house.

I will put up these actors' posters on my room walls."

It's not like I'll bump into Hrithik in the lift, and I'll say

"Are you going to Film City? Let's book an Uber Pool."

Now everything is going good.

Everything is settled now. I have bought a house in Bombay.

Yes, I have.

It costs a lot. Trust me!

Yes, I have bought a house. I have settled down.

Some of my famous neighbors are

Arijit Singh, Bejoy Nambiar, Ishaan Khattar.

There's an art director. There's a DOP.

One Production Designer. Basically, an entire film crew.

Which means the society meeting that we have

that turns out to be less of a conference meeting

and more of a Rajeev Masand's Roundtable.

And the best part is that if there's a late-night house party

and if there are people lying around drunk,

then all I have to do is to call Arijit and say,

"Listen, my friend just had a break-up recently.

He's very sad. Why don't you sing Channa Mereya (Bollywood song) to him?"

Thank you so much!

This was my first attempt at stand-up.

Thanks a lot!

I had kept the song Oonchi Hai Building (Bollywood song) on standby.

So that if all failed,

I would play that track because I still remember its hook step.

If nothing else,

I would certainly take an award from here.

"Most enthusiastic female comic on One Mic Stand."

Thank you so much, guys! It was lovely. Thank you. Good night.

Give it up for Taapsee Pannu, everyone!

Okay. Thank you so much for coming all the way, guys.

Thank you.

This is One Mic Stand. Give it up for Taapsee Pannu, once again.

-Thank you. -Give it up for Angad Singh Ranyal.

And give it for your host, Sapan Verma.

Thank you so much! Bye.

Take it along.

Shit! You remembered every single joke, dude.

You killed it, dude.

-Your timing was correct. -It's over!

-No! -This is over!

This is over. This is over!

Do you want to do this again?

Are you mad or what?

I'm not going to do this again.

But, you're so competitive. You have to kill it, again and again.

You have to perform every season and kill it.

Why would I want to be a threat to your bread and butter?

-Oh! -Oh, the sass is back.