All language subtitles for One Mic Stand S01E01 [1080p]_Subtitles01.ENG

Whoever is watching this on Amazon,

do not judge me, okay?

Do not even think of unsubscribing me.

Watch the entire video.

Watch everyone's performances.
I'm performing at the end.

So, don't skip it.

Zakir is performing before me,
and I'm tensed about it.

Zakir will give an amazing performance,
and then, I have to perform.

Which means...

Well, I'll leave it upon you,
whether you like my set or not.

Hi! I'm your host and part-time
parents' disappointment,

Sapan Verma.

And my guest for today's episode

is a YouTube superstar
who is known by many names.

Titu Mama, Bancho,
Sasta (Cheap) Johnny Depp.

But today, he will be playing
himself, Bhuvan Bam.

And guiding him in his stand-up journey,

is the comedian, storyteller,

and "OG Sakht Launda",

Zakir Khan!

I'm doing stand-up for
the very first time in my life.

I'm quite nervous about it.

But I'm excited because I'm getting
a chance to work with great people.

I was inspired by these people.

To be honest,
it's a great feeling but...

I'm shit scared.
I don't know what's awaiting me!

Sapan had reached out to me
a few months back,

and he shared this concept with me.

He asked me whether I would be
interested in doing this.

Honestly, I told him that

if this was the concept and if I had
to be a part of it,

I'll only do it with Zakir
because he is my favorite.

There's no other option.
He's my favorite.

I think Zakir is not
just a stand-up comedian,

he is a great storyteller.

That's what I love about him.

It doesn't seem like he has mugged
up the script or anything.

Whatever he feels,
he expresses it to the audience.

The way he engages the audience
in his live shows,

it's quite inspiring.

What more do I say?
I'm his fanboy!

-Zakir!
-Zakir!

Calm down, guys.

At least give me a chance to speak.

If you wanted to perform,
then why did you call me here?

It feels great to be back
in Delhi after a long time.

Since I've moved to Mumbai,

every time something goes wrong in
Delhi, people look at me suspiciously.

"I'm not responsible for it.

Why are you guys looking at me?"

I called my friends from Mumbai to
show them how nice Delhi is.

And here...

What happens just happens.

They get shit scared over here.
The traffic scares the hell out of them.

I took them to Gurgaon
where people were rash driving.

They asked me, "What the hell is this?
Who drives in this manner?"

I had to defend, right?

So, I replied, "The ones who have
sufficient place to drive this way."

Look, the thing is...

if you give money to a poor man,
he'll buy food.

That's why I have a little potbelly.

Not too much, but a little bit.

Just a little bit.

But I've always been a skinny guy.
Check out my old videos.

Right?

I have been skinny for so
long that recently a guy asked

for a matchstick to someone and
I was the one who responded.

I asked, "Are you referring to me?"

He said, "No. I wanted a matchstick."
I replied, "Oh, alright."

I've always been called by such names.

So, this increasing waistline was a
matter of concern for the people.

"Zakir, you've got a paunch, bro."

I considered it to be a good news.

I said,
"What are you saying, man!

Really?

Tell me honestly.

Isn't it looking great?"

There are three stages
of getting a potbelly.

The first one is denial.

"Where's it?

Have you gone nuts?
Don't just say any random shit.

It's just because I've eaten a lot today."

It's exactly like...
You get it, right?

It's like dating a guy
from the same batch.

In the beginning, they say,
"No, we are just friends.

He's like a brother to me."

The second is acceptance with action.

"Yes, it's protruding a bit,
but I will look after it."

At this stage,
a lot of people live perpetually.

They say things like,
"Bro, I'll cut down rice from my diet."

A lot of girls do the same!

They say things like,
"You should've met me two years ago.

I was so lean!"

"No, buddy."

"I'm aware of my metabolism.

If I walk for 20 days straight,
I will shred all my extra weight.

My brother, Ajay is getting
married on the 27th of next month.

I have purposely taken a smaller sized
lehenga (Indian traditional skirt)."

Those "20 days"
are never coming to reality.

Finally, it's Ajay's wedding day,

and somehow she has stuffed
herself in the lehenga.

There's a slab of meat hanging over
the "forehead" of the lehenga.

The lehenga itself says--

The lehenga itself says,
"I can't see anything, woman!"

Now, we have reached the final stage.

It's called...

"So what?

Your father doesn't
pay my bills, you rascal!

Get lost!"

Okay, guys.
That's it from my side.

Thank you very much.

You've been a great audience.

-May I?
-Hey!

-Hey! You are ready!
-How are you?

-I have been ready for a while.
-Oh, my God!

-Sorry, I got late.
-No problem, man!

-How are you?
-Perfect, buddy!

We're getting to shoot in Delhi
because of you and Bhuvan.

Thank you so much for that.

No, buddy.
I should thank you as

I am getting to stay in Delhi
for a week because of you.

Dude, this is the first time
we are working together.

-Oh, yes!
-Isn't it?

-We have--
-We haven't done anything on YouTube.

We haven't done anything together at all!

-Sapan, we never did a show together.
-Shit!

-Sapan and I haven't collaborated yet.
-Yes.

Secondly, Sapan has...

Of course, he's a great comedian,
but he has a great comic understanding.

-Thank you.
-I mean the most amazing feedback

on my shows is from Sapan.

-That happened just once.
-Yes.

-During Haq Se Single as well.
-Yes, I agree.

I categorically remember this.

Sapan told me,

"If you had said
Haq Se Single in the end,

-then...
-Then, it would've been a perfect closure.

-It would've been a perfect closure.
-Yes.

So, whenever I do a new show,
I always look forward to Sapan

-and make sure that he watches it.
-Hey, this is too much!

-This is too much.
-Is he here?

-Shall we make a move?
-Okay.

Bhuvan must have reached.

-Okay.
-Let's catch up with him.

Hey, guys!

I'm on the set and I'm about
to meet Zakir and Sapan.

It's amazing how
everything is going on.

I'm thoroughly enjoying myself.

I don't know how they will react.

I'm quite excited because I've
never done such a thing before.

-What is he doing?
-And...

-He is a YouTuber. That's how they roll.
-Some things...

-This is what I cannot do.
-Yes, this is what we're not capable of.

-We should learn this.
-I want to do this as well.

-We cannot do such things.
-And see who all are with me.

-We are live!
-Amazing! Are we live?

-No, this is just a video.
-I see. It's like a vlog.

-This is a vlog in which he'll later add
-Yeah.

-his parents' voice and make jokes on us.
-A journey...

I am a bit nervous.

-Okay.
-What's there to be nervous about?

I tend to be nervous. I mean...

It's the first time I am doing this!

-Yes.
-Yes.

So, I feel I will be judged!

But, that's the fun.

-Yes, that's where the fun lies.
-That's the fun.

But tell me something.

Why did you agree to this show and
why do you want to do stand-up?

So, BB Ki Vines is all about characters.

And I know...

I'm comfortable
behind a mustache and a wig.

-Right.
-I can kill it anywhere.

If I am Titu Mama, I can take Obama's
interview with equal confidence.

I know that.
Titu Mama is that character.

As Sameer, with my teeth out,
I can be someone else.

But Bhuvan as a person, I know I am...

quite shy and...

I'm always nervous
about people judging me.

Okay.

I believe that stand-up
is the toughest art form.

Because in the nick of time,
you need to...

I mean, you're in that moment.

And there are hundreds of
people in the moment with you.

Yeah.

That, for me, is like Roadies.

After complimenting throughout,
in the end...

I was paying heed to you, man!

I was feeling so respectable!

After taking you to heights,
he dropped you all of a sudden.

-So, you'll write your stand-up piece now.
-Yeah.

What do you wish to talk about?

My life revolves around YouTube.

So, I have too many inside stories.

-Right, anecdotes and all.
-Yes.

Yeah, representing YouTube from
my point of view.

-I want to talk about this.
-It's like it isn't a world we've seen.

-Yes.
-Isn't it?

-Yes.
-Yes.

I want to talk about that.

So that is something
I'm excited about.

There's just one thing
what I want to add.

It is a self-centered art form.

-And that's the beauty of it.
-Yes.

Who is the writer? You.
Who is the performer? You.

Who gets applauded? You.

So, who would be abused? You.

If your joke works well,
then you are good to go.

Your parents and friends will be honored.

Even if you do wrong,
you are a great guy!

In case your joke doesn't land,

then you and your upbringing,
both are gone for a toss.

Parents weren't decent.

The schooling wasn't
up to the mark as well.

-Everything is bad!
-Yes!

-I'll get unsubscribed as well.
-So...

there's so much at stake...

-Yes.
-Yeah.

the returns are equally great!

-Yes.
-Tell me something.

How should a set be like in your opinion?

It should be continuous punches,

or it should have a flow with punches.
Kind of ups and downs, I don't know!

What do you think?

See, because it's the
first time you're doing it,

there's already a figured
out rhythm for this.

We'll start inwards,
and then go outwards.

Yes!

-Like?
-Like, who you are, and

where do you come from.

-You are going to set this up first. Okay?
-Okay.

And then, you start
revealing things about you.

In this process,
you are building a relationship with them.

-Okay, okay.
-Right.

-Then, you can dive into it.
-Be comfortable.

The first thing, I would say, is that
whatever is coming to your mind--

-Write it up.
-Once and for all,

take out all your angst.

-Because...
-I should keep the fork down.

Otherwise it may misinterpret
into something else altogether.

The thing is,

-you can build the structure.
-True!

-And that we can figure out together.
-Talent is where the real problem lies.

-Exactly.
-It's never about who teaches you.

I've one more question.

-Am I allowed to quit in between?
-No.

I have surely learned one thing
watching so many stand-up acts.

-Yes?
-That's my time, guys!

He has got it.

Closing is sorted.

-That's my time.
-You already know half of the things.

We've scared him off a bit by
giving him an overdose of pep talk.

-I am not at all scared at the moment.
-I know!

-That's my time.
-Right. That's my time.

I still have mixed emotions about it.

But it's quite better than morning.

Whatever I was talking about
on the way,

I'm relieved after meeting them.

But yeah, Zakir and Sapan
are helping me out well.

They're treating me like one of their own.

They are teaching me
what to say and how to say it.

What all you make me do!
Why don't you let me sleep?

Hi, my name is Bhuvan Bam.
I've been rehearsing for a while.

And, it's terrible.

Where's the spotlight?

-This one?
-Yes.

Show me the lights.

Bhuvan, check it out.

Should we do a sound check, Bhuvan?

Okay.

Check.
It's loud.

It'll have a good range.

The first two minutes are very crucial.

-Yes.
-Right.

-Isn't it?
-Yeah, right.

Because once you can get a grip
on that, then you can perform.

You get the gist.

You can sail smoothly then.

-Go down, I'll call you on.
-Okay.

Once you walk in the first thing
you'll do is

put the mic aside and greet the audience.

-Okay.
-So, please put your hands together

to bring on stage, Bhuvan Bam!

And they will cheer and clap.

Shake hands.

I'll go off.

-That's my time.
-Man!

We'll create the hype so
that they stay tuned to you.

Unless you do some major goof-ups.

I will goof-up big time.

Do you want to tell us a couple
of jokes that you've written?

Would you like to share?

-One of the jokes that I've written is--
-Okay, tell us your least favorite one.

-My least favorite one?
-Yes, your least favorite one.

People often tend to
recognize me by my eyebrows.

-Okay.
-Because whenever I play a mother,

-Yes. Okay.
-my eyebrows move.

I covered up the most of my face
yet someone managed to recognize me.

-He recognized you!
-Yes.

He walked up to me and said,

"I won't do anything,
just give me a selfie."

Since it was a mall, I was also obliging.
"Okay, bro. Take it."

-This is sheer blackmailing.
-So, we clicked it this way.

He recognized me by my eyebrows.

Okay.

So, I wrote that, "Priya Prakash's
eyebrows are more trending than me.

And my eyebrows have a fan page
called Bhuvan Bhao (brow)."

-Bhuvan Bhao.
-Bhuvan Bhao (brow).

-Bhao (brow).
-Bhuvan Bhao (brow).

"It has just three followers,
me and my two eyebrows."

-This is kind of--
-Yes, it's a bit...

We can let go of this one.

-This one.
-Yes.

What will be your opening joke?

-Opening joke.
-When you walk on the stage.

He's doing on the name, right?

-Can we do that?
-Yes.

"Hi, guys. My name is Bhuvan Bam.

Is it an easy name to remember,
or is it difficult?

Some people believe that "BB" is my
first name, and my surname is "Ki Vines"."

-Take it slow.
-Yes. Yes!

"A lot of people say that
my first name is "BB Ki"

-and my surname is "Vines"."
-Vines.

I think we have enough on this set.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Do you want to give any tips?

Just keep your calm.
Don't get excited.

-Let the laugh come. Ride the laugh.
-Yeah.

-Got it! Yes.
-Inch by inch.

Own it second by second.

-Yeah.
-I've a stupid question.

-Yes?
-When the audience is laughing,

-should I wait for the laugh to finish?
-Yes!

-Please wait.
-Okay so,

the laughing graph is somewhat like this.

So, never crack a joke
when it is at a peak.

-Start from here.
-At the bottom.

-Understood?
-Okay.

-When it starts descending,
-Okay.

-then you speak.
-Okay.

Pick it up from there.

I tell you, he is honestly
looking very chilled out.

-I'll freak out on the day of the show.
-Okay.

Let's do the last segment now.
It's called role reversal.

Whichever comic comes to train
in every episode,

wants to learn something
in return from the celebrity.

Even we want to learn
something from the show.

-Yes, we also should get something. Yes.
-We aren't here to talk crap.

-So, teach us something.
-Okay. I'll teach you my favorite part.

-Titu Mama.
-Okay.

-Titu Mama, okay.
-Yes.

So, there are three steps
to become Titu Mama...

Okay.

...after putting the wig
and the fake mustache.

After that!

-I thought these were the first two.
-No!

One, two and the third one is rolling.

-It's not as easy as it sounds.
-Your--

-Put on the mustache and the wig.
-Okay.

Now, what can I do with the face?

-Okay.
-So...

Titu Mama is a grumpy man.
He is always tensed.

But one of his eyebrows is always raised.

-Oh.
-Oh.

One eyebrow remains raised.

-Look, he can do it.
-Yes.

Sapan, if you cannot raise one,
then you should lower the other. Yes.

So, it's like this.

Now, the lower part of the teeth,

-Yes?
-should get stuck...

so that this portion comes out.

The teeth should be placed
one above the other.

-Like this.
-How will you say it? Just say it once.

"My nephew is doing a show with Sapan
called One Mic Stand.

You must share this with all your friends.

-What will you do?"
-"Share it."

"My nephew..."

It has to be deep!

We can always edit it.

-It should go up and down.
-Up and down.

Okay, let's do the eyebrow.

Forgive this.

-This does not exist. Just forget this.
-Here.

"My nephew--"
Okay!

"My nephew is doing a show..."

Zakir,
you are breaking the character.

Come on, look into the camera.

"My nephew is doing a show.

So, share it.
What will you do?

Share it."
That was too bad!

This is Titu Mama
20 years down the line.

This is Tattoo Mama.

-This is Tattoo-- Tattoo Mama.
-"Son, look."

Okay, we'll meet in Noida.

-Superb!
-Canvas Laugh Club, Noida.

It's a great comedy club.
Around 250 people are coming.

-Really?
-Yes. It's houseful already.

-Is it sold out?
-If your name is on the poster, then...

-Nothing like that, sir. It's you.
-No, it's you, sir.

-It's you, sir.
-It's you, sir.

-No, sir.
-First you, sir.

-Sir. Sir.
-No, no, no.

-Sir, coffee?
-You too, sir.

I wasn't aware
that 250 people were turning up.

I thought it won't be more than 40.

-No.
-No.

-It's not that easy, my friend!
-It's not!

Come on, we won't let you
off the hook so easily.

-What will we not let you do?
-Not let you off the hook.

Okay, guys.
That's it from my side.

Thank you very much.

You've been a great audience.
Good night. Take care.

Zakir Khan, everyone!

Man!

Was it worth the money?

Nice! There are nice couples
in the front row.

Hello, and you guys also.
Don't feel left out.

Okay. But there are other
couples over here.

Are you guys a couple?

-Or have I just assumed it?
-You have assumed it.

I have assumed it and you are
very confident about that.

She said, "You have assumed it
and so has he, in his dreams."

What?

Relax. Okay.
Don't be mean.

-What's your name, my friend?
-Rohit.

-Rohit and...
-Nidhi.

Rohit and Nidhi,
how do you guys know each other?

Tinder.

Tinder!
What the hell!

This is...

This is already the best show
I've done in my entire life.

-Is this your first date?
-No.

-Then?
-We met four months ago.

Four months ago you met.

When did you realize that
it's not gonna work out between you two?

Was it...

I'm just checking.

Wait.
Did you decide, or did she decide that?

You think she decided that.

I want to give you a hug
right now, you know, but...

Are you two still friends now?

In the back of his head plays
Channa Mereya (Bollywood sad song).

It's amazing!

But how many of you watch,
comedy on the internet? Make some noise.

You guys make a great audience
because you guys watch comedy

on the internet and the thing is
that people like Zakir and me,

we do comedy on the internet, which is
great. The only drawback of that is...

some people know us,
and some don't know us at all.

This leads to quite awkward situations.

Last week, I was in a mall for shopping.

This young boy was there.
He recognized me.

He said, "Hey, Sapan! I'm a big fan.
May I take a photo?"

He came to take a photo. The problem
was that he was with his mother.

His mother was clicking the photo.

The amount of excitement this boy had,

his mother had double the
amount of disappointment!

They started walking off after taking the
picture. I overheard them, and she said,

"Who was he?"

The poor guy's trying to explain,

"Mummy, he is featured
in videos on internet."

She turned around and checked me out.

And then she said,

"Nowadays, everyone is doing porn!"

Anyway, speaking of the internet,

are you guys ready for your
final act of the evening, yes?

Okay.
Now, this one is very special one.

You guys know him as a musician,

as an actor, as a YouTuber.

Okay. In fact,

he was India's first independent YouTuber
to cross ten million subscribers.

You guys know him

as BB Ki Vines!

Give it up for Bhuvan Bam!

Give it up for Bhuvan Bam!

I was trying to calm myself
down in the vanity van.

I'm very scared.
This is my--

This is my first act.

Thank you so much.

Hi! My name is Bhuvan Bam.

And...

Is it an easy name?

Bhuvan Bam.
Is it easy to pronounce?

It's not like Kalki Ko Chhole Kulche?
(Indian cuisine)

Kalki...
I still don't know how to pronounce it.

But yet, people call me Bhushan Bam,

Bhuvam Bam, Bhogam Bam,

Bhagam Bam Bam Bam,
Bhagam Bam Bam Bam.

Every creator thinks...

"I should get the popularity.

My content should be
viewed internationally."

I had similar thoughts.
I mean, when I started BB Ki Vines,

my first international breakthrough was in

Bangladesh and Pakistan.

I thought,
"This is not called international."

If you would have checked
the YouTube comments section,

you would find comments from Islamabad,

Rawalpindi,

Karachi.

So, the people in India thought
I was from Karachi.

My mother asked me to get coriander
from the greengrocer.

I took my bike, went to the
nearby greengrocer in Malviya Nagar.

I sat next to him and asked for coriander.

A guy came and said,

"Bhushan?"

I replied, "Yeah. Hi."

"Sir, your work is amazing!
(Said in a Pakistani accent)

Sir, your talent is

wakil-e-tareef (Worthy of praise)."

I was wondering, "Wakil-e-tareef?"

He mentioned, "Your leheza,

your zardaari,

your talaffuz!

I hope you never have any
takalluf (Problem) in life."

He spoke all the Urdu words he knew.

I asked him,
"What are you saying?"

He said,
"You are from Karachi, right?"

I said, "Will I come from Karachi to
Malviya Nagar to buy coriander on a bike?"

And for people who don't know
about BB Ki Vines, or what I do...

I would like to tell you about one of
my character, "Banchod Das Chhatriwala".

The character often says, "Bancho".

Now people think,

I keep ranting "Bancho" the entire day.

The people who bump into me
at the streets say,

"Please say "Bancho" for once.

Just for once."

The girls say,

"Could you please whisper
"Bancho" in my ears?"

I reply to them,
"Sorry, sister, that's not possible."

I am doing good with my career.

And then, I got a call from Bigg Boss.

From Big Boss.

I answered.

"Hey, Bhuvan.
We need you in Bigg Boss, buddy."

I said, "Sir, I just started my career."

"Sir, my career has just started.
People come there to revive their career."

"Come on buddy,
at least come for 15 days.

We'll evict you."

"No, no!
If I come, I'll win the show.

I won't leave so early.
I have my reputation."

"No, Bhuvan.
Make this happen, buddy. Please."

I said,
"Okay, fine. I have your number.

When Zakir Khan gets more
subscribers than me,

that's when I'll come."

So...

What else was I supposed to say?

I had a lot of stuff to talk about.
Just kidding. I'm shit scared!

As per you, how much would I be earning
every month?

Approximately.

You think I earn ample of money, right?

People think I mint money.

Money falls to me when I walk.

The gutters clog where I take a poop,
such the flow of money is!

There is this conception in their minds.

"Bhuvan is minting a lot of money."

There's a website called "Social Blade".

It's mentioned on the website says,
"Bhuvan Bam earns eight million a month."

Yeah. I wish.

Bhuvan Bam earns eight million a month.

Do they think I'm an IPL player?

Just because I have long hair,
you thought I was Ishant Sharma.

I can't figure it out!

If I had so much money,
I would've gone on a vacation!

Not just me, my 16 characters
would have gone individually.

He has got the swag now!

"Titu Mama went to Bangkok!"

"Sameer Fuddi went to France."

I just don't understand this.

And this is having an impact
on my father's friends.

When I started my YouTube channel,
these people used to call my father,

"Mr. Bam,
what the hell is your son doing?

What is he up to?

What is...

Ask him to get a decent job.

Just get him married."

Now that I've been successful on YouTube,
they say,

"Mr. Bam...

Let's turn this friendship
into a relationship.

Let this friendship be turned
into a relationship!"

I've started a very cheap version of
Koffee with Karan

called Titu Talks.

So, the first episode of Titu Talks had

-Shah Rukh Khan!
-Shah Rukh Khan.

The second episode had Johnny Sins.

One is called King Khan,
another is Kink Khan.

Do you know who Johnny Sins is?

You didn't build that forearm
just like that.

Right?

And those blisters aren't
due to gym workouts.

Isn't it?

Do you know the fact that

that video has five million more views
than Shah Rukh Khan's video?

That fact that he is
Bollywood's superstar didn't matter.

Nothing beats horniness.

One has Mannat (Khan's Bungalow),
the other has Jannat (Heaven).

Okay. And I don't hide anything
from my father. I tell him everything.

I told him,
"Dad, I made a video with Johnny Sins."

He said, "Who? The guy from
Johny Johny Yes Papa nursery rhyme?"

I said, "No, "the open your mouth" guy."

Anyway, I have cribbed
a lot about everything.

-Now, let's get to some serious talks.
-Okay.

BB Ki Vines has given me a life,

that I could've never
dreamed of three years ago.

Thank you so much for all the
support you have given me.

I promise you,
I'll work harder than this.

The ones who don't like me,

I give you abundance of love in return.

Because I know if not
today, then tomorrow,

and if not tomorrow, then the day after,

I will definitely change your mind.

And if you still don't like me,

I have got Bigg Boss's number.

Thank you so much, guys.
That's my time.

Thank you so much.

What?
What is this?

What is this?

What is this?

Bhuvan Bam, everyone!

What is this?

Oh, my God!

Sapan, I have applied at a call center.

-They offer a good salary. Yes.
-Let's go?

-The night shift is about to begin.
-Yes.

It's the first day.
If we reach on time, it will be good.

Anyway, guys.
Thank you so much for coming out.

Give it up one more time for
Zakir Khan!

Give it up for Bhuvan Bam!

I'm Sapan Verma.
Thank you so much.

What a show! What a show!

-What a show, man!
-Oh, my God!

-It's the best episode.
-Awesome!

-Awesome!
-Man!

You were great!

Thank you.

You did everything right.

Every joke was complete and improvised.

He remembered everything.

And to top it all,
he improvised every time.

Yes, he improvised.

The thing you said during practice,

-"It's not connecting."
-Yes.

Wow! How much money is
falling and where?

-Did you enjoy?
-I am very happy.

-I am very happy today.
-Did you enjoy?

Now see, when we were telling you that

when you go on the stage,

-and when you get the first laugh...
-Yes.

that confidence is intoxicating!

-Yes. Very true.
-Isn't it intoxicating?

Definitely.