All language subtitles for Diary of an Uber Driver 1x01 - Episode 1 (English)

Come on!

You're very ugly. Did you know that?

Um...

... that's not good news.

Extremely.

OK.

Um, is it...

Is it my pores?

Well, you already know that
they're a part of the problem.

- They're too big.
- Yeah.

You could carry water to
the village in those pores.

Oh, well, that's upsetting.

Oh, no good?

- Your, uh...
- My what?

- Oh-oh.
- Ears.

They're too small.
How do you hear stuff?

- I honestly... I don't know.
- You should return them.

- To the small ear store?
- That's what I'm thinking, yeah.

- Don't blame your parents, though.
- Oh, yeah. For what?

Well, I don't think you can test
for annoying thin lips in the womb.

Wow.

Yeah. I guess I am lucky to be here.

We learn from their mistakes.

Yeah. You're quite articulate, but it...

- ... but it's undone by your voice.
- A little shrill?

My aunt and uncle owned a
dairy farm when I was a kid

and, uh, whenever they'd
take the baby cows away,

the mothers would make this
horrible screaming guttural noise

for days and days.

My voice is like grieving cows?

Oh, no. No. No. Sorry. No.

I was just thinking that
to make myself feel better

after hearing you.

- Oh, my mistake.
- It's OK.

I guess it wouldn't
matter that you were ugly

if you had a good personality,
but unfortunately...

- Terrible.
- Off-putting is how I'd describe it.

- Well, I could change.
- Can you?

Actually, I might just get
out here. I need a coffee.

Alright, yeah, I can...

Yeah. Just a tick. I'll
pull up to the side.

Thanks, mate.

Yeah. Don't forget to give me five...

... stars.

- Fuck you, Uber!
- Whoa!

Thanks! Thanks for that, mate.

What is that, a kebab? That's
a pretty weird breakfast food!

Kind of wasteful too, actually!

So, the environment,
mate... Oh, good on ya.

Yep.

Hey, Beck.

Uh, just checking if you need
a ride home from work tonight

or anything else.

- Uh, happy to drop by whenever.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Whatever I can do, you know.
Anyway, give me a call or a text.

No, that's... that's
exactly what I said.

Sorry. Jodie?

No, I know.

- Uh, off to Glebe?
- Oh, no, that's exactly right. Yeah.

No, I know. This is ridiculous.

OK, to Glebe it is.

We were driving to Jervis Bay

and, you know, neither of
us are talking, as usual,

and we'd just got past
Berry and it was pitch black.

And all of a sudden
Martin started screaming

and he almost swerved
off the road, right?

Anyway, I'm sitting there
completely shell-shocked

and he says, "I think
we've hit something."

So we stop the car and get out

and there's this poor little possum

wriggling around on
the side of the road.

And it's bleeding and it's not dead

and I started crying and Martin,
he couldn't even look at it.

Oh, God. Did you put
it out of its misery?

Well, that's what I said to Martin.

I said, "We're going to have
to put it out of its misery."

So he goes round to the boot and
he comes back with this kind of...

I don't even know what it was, actually.

It was this metal bar thing
and, you know, I thought,

"There is no way that he's going
to be able to kill an animal,"

- you know, Martin.
- Yeah, I know.

Anyway, all of a sudden,
throws his arm in the air

and he just starts pummelling
this thing in the head.

No.

And honestly, Kate, I lost count
of how many times he hit it.

The blood going everywhere.

I'm standing there,
crying, completely useless,

and he's swinging and swinging and
it felt like it went on forever.

But it was probably actually
only, you know, a moment.

Anyway, even after all of this,

the possum is still
twitching in the dirt.

Oh, yeah. Because of the nerves.

Well, yes, that's what
Martin said: the nerves.

Anyway, he finally kicked it under
some leaves on the side of the road

and we got back in the car,
and I'm... I'm looking at him

and he's... you know,
he's breathing very heavily

and he's wiping sweat from his brow

and, Kate, I don't know what
it was about the whole thing,

but seeing him like that,

I just... all of the blood in my
body just went whoosh between my legs.

- Oh, dear.
- I know.

And I... I said, "Martin,"
and he looks at me.

And I just took my hand
and I unzipped his shorts

and I just started masturbating him.

No.

And I thought he was gonna
stop me, because Christ knows

when was the last time we were
intimate, but he doesn't stop me.

He just looks at me.

So I say, "Martin,

would you like to
take your T-shirt off?"

And he just shakes his head and
I find this incredibly erotic

because he sometimes... he's a bit funny

about getting muck on his tops.

Right.

And all the while I am just...

... you know, I'm having
these sort of flashes of him

swinging this metal bar thing

and honestly, Kate, I know should
have been completely disgusted,

but...

- It was the initiative.
- Well, that's it.

It was the initiative, thank you.

It was watching him
take that initiative.

So I just kept, you know,
I just kept stroking him

and he's making these...
these noises and he's moaning

and sort of pulling
his shorts further down

and he's kind of lifting his...

... his body off the seat
and angling it towards me

but... and...

... it was so
animalistic, that I just...

I knew exactly what he wanted

and I said to him, "Martin, do you
want me to play with your bottom?"

Oh... my.

Anyway, poor thing, it must
have been too much for him

because just hearing
me ask that question,

he orgasmed all over and...

And, anyway, after he wiped off,

we just continued on to
dinner with, um, Ian and Vicky.

But honestly, Kate, it's this
whole new dynamic between us.

Like, he is sensitive, you
know, he is listening, he's...

We've never been happier.

I was really dreading
it, but it was actually...

... it was a really
nice night in the end.

Vicky's started her glass-making.

Oh, I know.

Jesus Christ!

Just...

Come on!

Hey, it's Beck.

Leave me a message and
I'll get back to you.

Just to Condell Park, bro.

No worries, bro.

Had a good day so far, Mohammed?

Call me Mo.

Yeah. I think this would probably
be one of the best days of my life.

Can't believe I just finished
my first job interview,

at the age of 25.

- I mean, how messed up is that?
- Oh, no way.

That's not messed up.
Sounds like it went well.

I killed it.

Honestly, man, like, every question,
I studied my arse off, so...

That's awesome. Congratulations, man.

Yeah, the only problem is, uh,
I kinda need a reference, eh?

Oh, yeah. It's crazy, eh?

They always want, like,
three professional referees,

two personals and your dog.

Hey, man, can I tell you
something in confidence?

Yeah, man. Anything.

Well, since I was 16,

I've kind of been a...

... a salesman of...

... a different kind.

And, um, I wanna change that.

I don't feel good making
money like that, so...

And, look, not to make excuses,
but, like, where I came up,

you kinda had to do stuff or
you'd get your arse kicked.

A lot of my mates are in
jail, so this job is...

... it's kind of like a...
you know, a fresh start for me.

Oh, right.

That's, like, inspiring, bro.

So who'd you put down as a reference?

Greg Davies.

Oh, yeah. And who's Greg Davies?

Well, Greg Davies...

... is whoever answers this.

Oh, OK.

Yeah. I got, like, 10 of them at home.

Right. You gave him a, uh... a burner.

Yeah, a burner.

So, uh, how'd you get
started with Uber, anyway?

Uh, well, some things changed for me.

Um...

Like, it's him.

- OK, you gotta answer, right? Yeah.
- What?

- I got no one else.
- Oh, no...

- Come on, man.
- No, no, no. I...

You don't want me to do that.

This is how much I want you to do it.

No, I don't know what to say.
I don't... I have no idea...

OK, your name is Greg
Davies and you sell Toyotas.

- I can't do it.
- OK, ready? Go.

Hello, Greg Davies' phone.

Hi, there. My name is Reg Thompson.

I'm calling from Direct
Contact Solutions.

Um, I just interviewed a colleague
of yours, Mohammed Nasser.

Oh, yeah. Hi, Reg.

Greg, Mr Nasser's put you down
as a professional reference.

We were just hoping you
could tell us a little about

your experience working with him?

Yeah. Uh, look, Reg,
gotta be honest with you.

Uh, it's hard for me to
talk about Mohammed...

... simply because I haven't quite
got over the day we lost the bastard.

Uh, yeah, a salesman like Mohammed
only comes through your door

once in a lifetime.

So, he had a good sales performance?

Oh, mate, THE best sales performance
in... in the South Pacific region.

OK, great.

And do you think he
cooperates well in a team?

Oh, Reggie, this guy's not
just a team player, alright?

He is like dear family
to everyone he meets.

I mean, I don't think I'd still
be here if it wasn't for him.

Oh.

OK...

I'd still be here. He... he
was just a shoulder to lean on.

Right.

Not... not in an unprofessional
way or anything, just...

I was going through some
depression and Mo filled in...

... for... for a few days.

Right. Right.

So, he had some managing experience.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

Well, I'm sorry to hear
about your depression.

I'm, um, actually going through
something similar myself.

Oh, yeah. Right. That's really tough.

Are you... are you OK?

Yeah.

I actually find going to work helps.

It's just mostly in the
nights I find it harder.

Yeah, the nights can be lonely.

- Uh, Reg?
- Sorry, Greg.

Yeah, anyway, just thanks so
much for your time and I'll, uh...

... I'll let you get
back to your business.

Alright. Alright. Thanks, Reg. Cheers.

- Well, what the hell was that?!
- I don't know.

- I was trying to make you sound nice.
- Why'd you say that stuff to him?

Was he crying?

What are you talking
about, "the nights"?

- I told you I couldn't do it.
- Oh, it started off so well!

I'm... so sorry.

Bro? I'm real sorry. I...

It's him.

- Uh, hello. Mo speaking.
- Hi, there. This is Reg.

Hi, Reg.

I just had a word to a
colleague of yours and I'm...

Are you serious, bro?

Oh, yeah. Amazing.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank...
thank you so much.

- Yeah. I'll see you then.
- Thanks, Mo.

- Yeah, I got it!
- Yeah! Yeah, man.

- You did it!
- Nah, man. You did it.

This is the first day
of the rest of my life.

- Yeah, man. Yeah.
- Yes!

Congratulations.

Thank you.

There were plenty of
pulse-inspired morsels on taste.

But it was what people were
washing the canapes down with

that was the main talking point.

Yeah, there's a bit
of an aftertaste there,

but not really when you're drinking it.

Oh, it's alright, actually.
Pleasantly surprised.

I've had... And, yeah, this is
pretty good for a craft beer.

Can you pick up the lentils?

The idea of the lentil beer...

... came from pulse processor AGT Foods.

OK, junk, junk, bill... junk.

God, your electricity bill must
be high with all that TV you watch.

Do you want this?

To turn these red seeds into...

You're not eating pizza.

Alright, come on, let's go.

It's plainly ludicrous that I'm
not provided money for my lunch.

I mean, I could understand

if we went somewhere where
I actually enjoyed the food,

but I wouldn't be caught dead
in this place if it was up to me.

And they say, "Oh, well, you
can always eat beforehand."

Uh, well, hang on a sec.

No, my personal time is my own

and I will not be strongarmed
into scoffing my lunch on the bus

just because he prefers his cafe.

You finished with that?

I know people see this
type of work as noble,

but to be honest, I think you'd
be more rewarded as a cleaner.

Right.

At least people can say
thank you to a cleaner.

I mean, half of them can
barely understand a word I say.

Hello!

See?

Overnight, they get
THAT look about them,

and then in a minute, they're gone.

I lost three last year.

Four the year before.

People ask me how I do it and
I just don't know. I don't.

My mum said my whole life
I've been as tough as nails.

Maybe that's it.

It just takes a certain
type of strength, you know?

Yeah, right.

Oh, stop, stop. This is me. Stop.

Ken? Listen.

Listen to me.

This man is going to take
you to your house now, OK?

Do you hear me?

Ken!

Thank Christ.

What was that, Ken?

Need a hand getting in, mate?

No.

You all good, Ken? You're doing great?

- You all good?
- Me arse feels funny.

- Your arse?
- Yeah, someone keeps kissing it.

Alright, Ken, I'll
leave you to it, mate.

Wait. I've got something.

Something to say thanks.

Oh, thanks a lot, mate.

Oh, big old bag of rubbish. Good one.

- Bin's round the side.
- No worries.

Hey, uh, Ken... when did the,
uh... apartment block go up?

2009.

Bunch of pricks, hey?

Alright. See ya, Ken.

Wait.

Close the door.

Oh!

How long have you been doing this?

I don't know.

Gosh, how much beer do you drink, Ken?

Not as much as you, by the looks of it.

- Brutal.
- You know how to disconnect these?

Yeah, yeah. I used to work at a pub.

Worked in a pub, now he's a driver.

Is your mother proud?

- Is your mother alive?
- Oh, come on.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry, Ken.

Bring it.

Where are we going?

The sex dungeon.

- Hey, Ken.
- Sheridan.

Two of mine, and,
uh... What's your name?

Ben. Hi. Lovely to meet you.

Ben'd like a bowl of arses to kiss.

Coming right up.

So, sorry, Ken, what is...
explain to me what's going on here?

Oh, the owner lived
in my place till '75,

and he put an entrance through
the shed and now they sell my beer.

Oh, right. Is that...
legal, to sell your beer?

How about you don't say
anything about the beer

and I won't tell Sheridan the
filthy things you said in the car.

He's joking. I didn't.

Something about curvy women, was it?

More to love?

Didn't say that. I...
don't have a preference.

No, he's not fussy.

No, it's not about...
I just don't... It's...

I don't see people in that type of way.

- You don't objectify.
- No. Yeah, I don't.

- Then why did you say in the car...
- I didn't!

Cheers. Cheers.

You know for a minute,
when we walked in,

I thought you were
taking me to meet Aslan.

What?

Uh, the lion from Narnia?

Never heard of him.

Think you have heard of him.

What was it you wanted to chat about?

Me?

Uh, I didn't... don't want to
chat about anything in particular.

Oh, just... just a general chat, then?

What? No, no. I don't need a chat.

I mean, you're the one that kind
of lured me down into your shed.

Well, because you needed a chat.

I don't need a chat, Ken.

I think you needed a chat.

- I don't need a chat.
- I don't need a chat.

I don't need a chat.

I have things to think about.

Yeah, like what?

Well, like my dead wife.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't...

Do you have a dead wife to think about?

I don't, no.

Oh, it's not all bad. You know why?

Why?

Because she wasn't always dead.

Well, that's...

... great news.

No, for 75 years, she was very alive.

And God knows why, she spent
50 of those years with me.

And that, Ben, is more
than enough to think about.

Well, it's... Yeah.

Mind you, it wasn't always perfect.

You spend 50 years with a person,
you can't have 50 perfect years.

No, no. One time she hit me.

Bam. Hit me with our car.

- What?
- With the car. She hit me.

- On purpose?
- Oh, yeah.

- Why?
- Because I messed around on her.

- Jesus!
- Oh, no. I deserved it.

But that was a hard year. Hard year.

But it's a good memory.

How's... how's that a good memory?

It's all a good memory.

Because you know what
happened when she died?

- What?
- Nothing.

No more hard times, no more good times.

Nothing.

And anything's better than nothing.

At least anything
that happened with her.

Even getting hit by a car.

Yes, even that.

What about you?

- What about me?
- Well, you're always alone.

Driving around in that ugly car.

I drive people around.
I'm never by myself.

I talk to people all day.

Because you've got
nothing to think about.

That's... that's not true.

I got... lots to think about.

Like?

Normal stuff. Um... the future.

What, spaceships?

No, like... my future and...

... what I'm supposed to be doing.

What are you supposed to be doing?

I don't know, Ken.

That's what I worry about.

Oh, well...

I guess drinking with strangers on
a Tuesday afternoon's a good start.

? I hope you know
this time's for good ?

? Wouldn't come back
now even if I could ?

? 'Cause I... ?

- Hi.
- Hi. How's it going?

How's it going in there, little
one? You being nice to your mum?

- Sorry.
- Yep.

How was work?

Good. Tiring.

Ohh...

Hey, are you, uh... hungry?

I was thinking that maybe
we could go to dinner...

... maybe, if you... if you wanted.

Um...

To be honest, I'm... I'm
pretty exhausted at the moment.

Yeah? Cool.

Yeah. I think I just
wanna have an early one.

- If you don't mind...
- Yep, sure.

... could you just drop me home?

Totally.

Thanks.

- Fuck you, Uber!
- Je...

Need you to let yourself be helped.

- Hello?
- Did you find us annoying, driver?

- No, not at all.
- He has to say that.

I just wanted to let you know... I quit.

And secondly, I just wanted to
tell you to go fuck yourself.

Holy shit.

- Ohh!
- Woof!

Dammit.

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- www.addic7ed.com -