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1
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:38,640
Oh...
2
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,320
Hello, Maureen, have you shat everywhere?
3
00:00:46,370 --> 00:00:48,330
Smells like you shat everywhere.
4
00:00:48,780 --> 00:00:52,190
Brilliant, a floor made out of dog turd.
5
00:00:52,740 --> 00:00:55,300
Like there's a mental
patient on Grand Designs.
6
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,510
Nice to see you here again, Ellen.
7
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:17,290
He looks tall. Was Jesus quite tall?
8
00:01:17,340 --> 00:01:20,490
- No-one knows. - They were
probably shorter back then, actually.
9
00:01:20,540 --> 00:01:22,190
Well, the medieval people were short,
10
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,470
you could see that from
the old doorways, so,
11
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,470
the Jesus time people must've been tiny.
12
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,910
I don't think they were tiny.
13
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:31,310
I don't mean tiny like Playmobil
people, tiny like jockeys,
14
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,400
or those little stocky men who do judo.
15
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,310
I need to get back.
16
00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,390
Shall I walk with you part of the way?
17
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,990
I was thinking of having a
full English at the cafe.
18
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,470
Oh, naughty.
19
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,310
You won't be getting into heaven.
20
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,800
I actually will. That's
pretty much guaranteed.
21
00:01:49,460 --> 00:01:51,240
Access all areas.
22
00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:56,810
Sorry, shit everywhere.
23
00:01:56,860 --> 00:01:58,230
The dogs'.
24
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,430
How is sweet little Maureen,
apart from the shit everywhere?
25
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,470
If I wear a surgical mask and latex
gloves, and take three Piriton,
26
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:08,350
my breathing stays fairly normal,
so, happy to have her here.
27
00:02:08,700 --> 00:02:11,080
OK, I'm e-mailing you all
copies of Laurie's will.
28
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,810
Jeff, is your address still
send glenyskinnocktoprison@gmail?
29
00:02:14,860 --> 00:02:17,900
Yeah, JeffNichols was already
taken, and JeffNichols1.
30
00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:19,630
- NicholsJeff?
- Might have a chance.
31
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,390
Ellen's going to to be a little late.
32
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,630
she's the executor of the will so she's
already familiar with what's in it.
33
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,330
Sorry I'm late. Jeff,
34
00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:30,030
just saw the exhaust on your Volvo
was trailing so I did a temporary fix.
35
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,230
Wow, cheers, mate.
36
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:34,590
And Cass, you know that book we talked
about on the architecture of Stuttgart?
37
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:37,110
- Should be on your Kindle.
- So want to read that.
38
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,560
Amazing Stuttgart in beautiful... Europe.
39
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,270
Sorry, Andrew, but, private family event.
40
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:47,910
The will, it's core family,
just the solid core blood family.
41
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,670
And also, seemingly, Mike.
42
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,270
(Quavers.)
43
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,390
Actually, Stephen, Andrew
is mentioned in the will.
44
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,950
Yes, Mum asked me to come along.
45
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,150
Hope I'm not treading on any toes.
46
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:03,040
No, I'm guessing you've been left a
table lamp, or something, some pens.
47
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:11,670
You can sit next to me, Andrew, make
sure I don't die of bloody boredom.
48
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,070
How's your B&B? A bit grim?
49
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,350
I've stayed in more depressing places,
50
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:19,070
but then I did have eight
Christmases in care.
51
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,350
Will you be reading the will?
52
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,950
That only happens in films, Jeff.
53
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,270
Oh, go on, please.
54
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,310
You can start with, "I expect you're
wondering why I've asked you all here."
55
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,310
That's murder mysteries. We
know why she's asked us all here.
56
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,070
And she didn't ask us all
here, we all asked her here.
57
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,110
You're determined to suck the fun
out of things, aren't you, Stephen?
58
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,870
Sorry, I apologise for sucking the
fun out of my dead father's last
59
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,440
wishes, what a fucking buzzkill.
60
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,750
I think Jesus Christ, peace be upon him...
61
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,310
We don't tend to say that --
that's the... we just don't say it.
62
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,750
Oh, well, I think Jesus
Christ, best wishes be to him,
63
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,430
is the logical next step
in my spiritual journey.
64
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,990
Paganism, self-hypnosis,
65
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,430
sprigs of rosemary down your pants
will only take you but so far.
66
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:09,030
You need some red meat with your
aduki beans, and that's Jesus.
67
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,470
The church is very pleased
to welcome you, Ellen.
68
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,510
I do like the idea of eternal life.
69
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,950
And it's only possible through
Christ. Everyone else is damned.
70
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,670
Even a tiny baby is damned
to hell if it dies unbaptized.
71
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:24,110
You could work for 60 years feeding
the poor, healing the sick,
72
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:27,510
giving every ounce of yourself
for the service of others,
73
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,510
but unless you accept
Christ as your saviour,
74
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,350
you'll burn in agony for all eternity.
75
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,230
- And deserve to.
- You're quite hard-line, aren't you?
76
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,950
There's only one truth, Ellen.
I'm not going to lie about it.
77
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,870
What... what about people in remote
tribes who don't know about Jesus?
78
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:44,270
They'll burn, quite rightly.
79
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,790
They know, even the Amazon
tribes can get 4G these days.
80
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,510
And will Laurie burn?
81
00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,510
Yes, he will.
82
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,590
I bequeath the residue of this
business to my beloved wife
83
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:59,030
Ellen Mae Nichols, a 45% share and
my children Stephen Richard Nichols
84
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:03,150
and Cassandra Leslie
Nichols, a 25% share each.
85
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,830
Doesn't that come to 95%?
86
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,230
I make it 105%.
87
00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:07,870
Really?
88
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,430
Maybe not, I switched off since it
became clear I'm getting fuck all.
89
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,550
Unless I get that 5%.
90
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,990
To aid with the transition period,
91
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,830
Andrew Thomas Donnelly shall have
a 5% stake in the John Barleycorn.
92
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,350
Sorry, everyone.
93
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:23,070
I was checking in with Julian re
lovely Jesus Christ and so on.
94
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:26,350
I am hugely into Jesus now.
95
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,910
I think he's brilliant.
96
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,190
Mum, Andrew has a share of the business.
97
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,430
- 5%.
- Yes, great, isn't it?
98
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,910
Just the shot in the arm this
place needs, help clear our debts.
99
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,030
This is so lovely, guys. I'll do
whatever I can to help you out.
100
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,470
I'm humbled and I'm proud.
101
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,710
You can't be, they're opposites.
102
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,320
It's like being simultaneously
on the moon and not on the moon.
103
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,190
Who the fuck is he anyway?
104
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,470
He claims he lived with
us for a matter of months.
105
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,350
I was Dad's proper son for 42 years.
106
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,270
Andrew was a rescue son
we temporarily homed.
107
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,430
Yeah, we need to Google
the shit out of him.
108
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,310
Try and work out his history.
109
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,790
Me and you, like Cagney and
Lacey, or Scott and Bailey.
110
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,350
Or maybe a partnership
where one of them is a man?
111
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,470
Yeah. Team Us.
112
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,470
Sorry -- is this a bad back
thing, the lying on the floor?
113
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,310
No, Tom was here at lunchtime.
114
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,030
We had sex in Graham's office.
115
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,510
It's OK, he's away on a course.
116
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:20,670
- OK.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
117
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,670
I haven't told you, have
I? We're trying for a baby.
118
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,630
Right. Nice one.
119
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,830
No, nice one, who says "nice one"?
120
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,630
After sex I have to lie in this
position for a bit to keep all the,
121
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,550
- you know... - Yeah, I
get it. - Come up there.
122
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,310
- Sure.
- We've not been lucky yet,
123
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,750
so we think that timing is pretty crucial.
124
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,990
Could you just pass me that cushion?
125
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:44,670
I've got a very precise ovulation calculator
that works more or less to the hour.
126
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:45,870
Thanks.
127
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,320
- Is it Swiss?
- Not sure.
128
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,950
- Anyway, sorry, too much
grisly info. - No, no.
129
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,350
Oh, are you up for carrying on the
Andrew investigation tomorrow evening?
130
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,110
- Team Us. - Yeah, although at
eight o'clock could you remind me
131
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,510
I've got to go home and have sex with Tom?
132
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,750
I'll set an alarm too, but
just in case, could you...
133
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,040
- My pleasure.
- Thanks.
134
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,910
We were just saying, Stephen,
135
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,950
how Julian does a lot
of drug outreach work.
136
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,230
I work with the sort of people
Jesus would have hung out with.
137
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:21,910
Rabbis and fishermen?
138
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,150
Fringe people, liminal people,
guys who are on the edge,
139
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,150
or in the gaps.
140
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,030
I did a lot of voice and movement
work with those kind of guys
141
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,910
when I ran an actors' studio in Berlin.
142
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,870
- Oh, fucking hell.
- If you're addicted, you don't have a voice.
143
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,150
You're "I love the drugs!"
144
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,670
But when you gain confidence through
voice and movement work, you're like,
145
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,750
"No more drugs for me, thanks!"
146
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,670
- It's that different.
- And sometimes I baptise the guys.
147
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,390
christ is not just in a church,
148
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,630
he's in this pub, he's in a brothel,
149
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,470
in a tree house, Belmarsh
prison, and IKEA.
150
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,670
John baptized Christ outdoors in a river.
151
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,670
wherever there's water
and the Holy Spirit,
152
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,910
we could baptise those
who seek redemption.
153
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,230
Could you baptise me?
154
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,310
Here, now?
155
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,360
Of course.
156
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,030
The Christian community welcomes
you with great joy, Ellen.
157
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,710
In its name, I claim you
for Christ our saviour,
158
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,360
by the sign of his cross.
159
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:17,880
Ohhh!
160
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,350
- Wow! - Go on, I'll
have what she's having.
161
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,070
- What? - Seems like the
ideal time to get baptised.
162
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,750
Do you actually believe in God?
163
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,470
- Sure. - The Christian community
welcomes you with great joy, Andrew.
164
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:33,240
In its name I claim you for Christ
our saviour, by the sign of his cross.
165
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,630
- Baptizing, is it?
- Yes.
166
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:40,830
Brilliant. I'll have a pop. All
my sins forgiven, fantastic.
167
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,750
I fucked a load of people over in my time.
168
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:47,360
And I once broke a security guard's
spine, so THIS is an excellent deal!
169
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,470
- Stephen, will you be baptized?
- No, of course I won't!
170
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,430
I don't want to do end up like your dad.
171
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:56,310
He is burning in the fiery
pit of hell, right now.
172
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,670
No, he isn't mum. Dad's not in hell.
173
00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,190
Don't upset yourself!
174
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,720
His remains are rotting
in a long wicker box.
175
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,750
Seems small when you
look around initially.
176
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,110
Very small, but it's
deceptively big, isn't it?
177
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:13,190
Tremendously roomy. Too roomy, almost.
178
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,150
Yeah, can you sign the doc up?
179
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:17,810
Trevellis Caravans, are
you a Cornish company?
180
00:09:17,860 --> 00:09:22,330
- No. - But you have a love of Cornwall,
Trevellis, childhood holidays?
181
00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:24,650
My name is Trevor Ellis.
182
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:27,050
Ah. Right. Clever.
183
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,890
Clever Trevor.
184
00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:30,850
And, you want another four of these?
185
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:34,930
Almost certainly, this is just
a sample to excite everyone.
186
00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:36,970
Do I get a discount for ordering five?
187
00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:38,420
No.
188
00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:42,730
Ah, good. You got the text.
189
00:09:42,780 --> 00:09:44,250
Welcome to the gold mine.
190
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:48,570
Five static caravans, in this
field, rent them out for holidays,
191
00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,850
steady income, clear our debts.
192
00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:53,490
- OK. - Initially we'd
need a septic tank,
193
00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:55,850
but the technology has improved hugely.
194
00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:57,450
Even with the medium-size one.
195
00:09:57,500 --> 00:10:01,810
I worked out that I could personally
shit in it until I was 54 and still
196
00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:04,420
not fill it up. Let me give you the tour.
197
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,210
It's very, very small.
198
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:12,450
You think that when you look
at it, but in reality it isn't.
199
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:14,730
There's no oven? Just a hob?
200
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,650
You could do most things on a hob.
201
00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:20,690
Picture the scene, holiday-makers
having a great time locally, seeing
202
00:10:20,740 --> 00:10:26,290
the sights, then back to their spacious
static for a slap-up hob-cooked meal.
203
00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:29,650
Do you genuinely like this sort of hutch?
204
00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:33,570
I love it, I would happily live
here permanently, it's that good.
205
00:10:33,620 --> 00:10:35,690
Hey, life swap!
206
00:10:35,740 --> 00:10:40,250
If you stay here in hobbit world,
Andrew can have your room above the pub.
207
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:44,410
No, I'm sure Stephen isn't
serious about living in this...
208
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:48,770
- Hutch. - I am! You can
have the stupid room.
209
00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:52,930
You can't fry an egg in a
room, can't... wee in a room.
210
00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:56,780
So, what do we think
then, about the statics?
211
00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:00,770
I think this is a
fantastic idea of Steven's.
212
00:11:00,820 --> 00:11:02,010
- I really do.
- Really?
213
00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:05,810
A superbly, solid, workmanlike
way of making some extra money.
214
00:11:05,860 --> 00:11:07,620
Let's get 100% behind this.
215
00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:12,450
I mean, I have had half a thought
of my own about the future of the
216
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:15,600
- business, but let's not... - What
half a thought? - I bet it's amazing.
217
00:11:16,580 --> 00:11:18,260
Well, something like...
218
00:11:19,460 --> 00:11:21,370
Wow!
219
00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:24,650
Let's do this! Whatever
this is, please let's do it?
220
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:27,620
We hold a food festival in
the field. Come with me.
221
00:11:29,620 --> 00:11:33,530
Pop up street food stalls, an
airstream serving great grilled cheese.
222
00:11:33,580 --> 00:11:36,970
- Oh, I like a bit of grilled cheese.
- It's called cheese on toast.
223
00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:40,410
Tents selling local produce. You
know, rare breed pulled pork.
224
00:11:40,460 --> 00:11:44,890
A vodka jelly kiosk, raw milk
cheeses, a ferris wheel, falconry,
225
00:11:44,940 --> 00:11:49,370
a dim sum workshop, I might be
able to get a Spitfire to fly over.
226
00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:52,290
- Oh! - And we call it
the snack and field event.
227
00:11:52,340 --> 00:11:54,370
- Brilliant name.
- It's just a pun!
228
00:11:54,420 --> 00:11:56,970
And we end it with fireworks
and a set by Coldplay.
229
00:11:57,020 --> 00:12:00,890
- Fucking hell, that sounds amazing!
- I was joking about that last bit.
230
00:12:00,940 --> 00:12:04,890
Oh. Still, fucking hell, the
rest of it still sounds amazing.
231
00:12:04,940 --> 00:12:08,290
Can I just say, raw milk cheeses,
you're playing with fire.
232
00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:10,770
They can cause pregnant women to miscarry,
233
00:12:10,820 --> 00:12:14,730
- that's a 20 grand lawsuit, minimum.
- Well, I love this idea.
234
00:12:14,780 --> 00:12:17,570
It's a thrilling and
wonderfully exciting idea,
235
00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:20,530
as is Steven's static caravan
and septic tank proposal.
236
00:12:20,580 --> 00:12:22,410
But let's try the food festival first.
237
00:12:22,460 --> 00:12:24,170
Only if you're sure, I mean,
238
00:12:24,220 --> 00:12:26,930
I might make a massive
cock-up of the whole thing.
239
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,660
You won't, no chance. You're brilliant.
240
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,310
So, I've been doing some Google
sleuthing on Andrew today.
241
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,950
I think some of it checks out,
but some of it's a bit hazy.
242
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,390
Yes, I've been looking too.
243
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,670
The restaurant stuff seems legit.
244
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,550
Yeah, but it's not clear whether
he owned it, or was a manager,
245
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,390
or a waiter or just ate there a lot.
246
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,710
Got your chips and dips.
247
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,550
Thanks. I'll be going to the
cash-and-carry in the morning.
248
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,270
- Oh. - So, if anything occurs to you...
249
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,720
Aw, I'll have a think.
250
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:07,990
Why, "Aw"?
251
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,390
She just says, "Aw," all the fucking time.
252
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,110
Aw.
253
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,270
Did you notice Andrew's lost 18 months?
254
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,710
- No.
- There's a mystery period.
255
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,230
18 months where Andrew goes
completely off the radar.
256
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,910
Nothing about him on the
internet for any of that time.
257
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,590
Oh, interesting. Prison?
258
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,030
Maybe. Perhaps he was a drug lord.
259
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,750
No, sentence too short.
260
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,310
An illegal fracker, he's been
fracking his through France.
261
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,110
Or, diddling. Serial diddling.
262
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,550
- I could look that up.
- No, your ISP might seem the search terms
263
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,070
and take you for the diddler.
264
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,270
I'll search on mine. Lady
diddlers are like hens' teeth.
265
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,390
- Hi. - We've just been talking
about continental paedophiles.
266
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,590
And how the sentences
are relatively short.
267
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:51,310
Right. I wanted to talk very
briefly about ferris wheels.
268
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:53,990
- Sure. - Do your remember when Dad
took us to the fair on the common?
269
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,590
I loved the Ferris wheel.
270
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,200
And so did Dad.
271
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,680
Yeah, amazing days.
272
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,600
Steven!
273
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,110
I love rides. Sometimes
being scared can be fun.
274
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,790
Then my entire waking
existence is a carnival.
275
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,950
The ferris wheel guy sent these...
276
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,400
Oh, there he is. Excuse me.
277
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,070
You could have a look at that.
278
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,990
His location services
will tell you whether
279
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,470
- he's been living where he says he has.
- I don't know. It's...
280
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,150
- It's his private information.
- You don't know if he's a conman.
281
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,910
Quick, he'll look in a second.
282
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,310
Bugger, android.
283
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,830
I don't know how to work android.
284
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,070
- Fuck! - What? - I've taken a
picture of myself. Shit. - Delete it.
285
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,790
I'm trying to. Shit.
286
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,990
- Put it back. - Done it, I
think. - He's coming back.
287
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:45,470
OK, we can get ourselves a
pretty great ferris wheel,
288
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,630
fully insured for an excellent price.
289
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:48,880
I'm going to do the deal.
290
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,950
Brilliant. Excellent detective work.
291
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,830
We are such an amazing team.
292
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,680
Phenomenal. Interpol should
hire us, we'd make millions.
293
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,870
You need to have sex with Tom.
294
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,030
Oh, God, yes.
295
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,830
Well remembered.
296
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,590
I saw the time on Andrew's phone.
297
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,320
- I'll see you very soon.
- Good luck!
298
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,840
Good luck. Aw, for fuck's
sake Steven, you heinous twat.
299
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,950
- Really?
- Oh, this is going to be such fun.
300
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,000
Come along.
301
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:31,240
Jesus Christ. The oceans are warming
quicker than this fucking pan.
302
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,670
Hi. I'm just moving in.
303
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,920
- And we're sharing his burden.
- Can we come in?
304
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,750
Oh, is that water meant to be boiling?
305
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,510
Leave the lid on. That's ten minutes
of boiling time I'll never get back.
306
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,430
It doesn't look like
anything is happening.
307
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,470
Something is happening,
boiling is happening.
308
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,470
- I'm making pasta. - I just wanted
to check that you're still cool about
309
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,830
living here while I take
the room above the pub?
310
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,070
Said I was, didn't I?
311
00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,510
Yes, but I'm just giving you
a chance to change your mind.
312
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,670
It doesn't make you feel claustrophobic?
313
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,190
No. It would have to be small
to make me feel like that.
314
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,030
So, you don't mind Andrew sleeping
in your old bed, with no doubt,
315
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,190
- the occasional companion.
- I'm totally fine with it.
316
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,270
This really has no heat
in it at all, Steven.
317
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,470
Don't you try to baptise
me. Keep those fingers away.
318
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,310
Don't you surreptitiously baptise me.
319
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,310
- I wouldn't do that.
- Baptise him Julian, quick.
320
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,830
- Fuck off! - Save him from the
pit, save him with the pasta water!
321
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,390
No! Don't you fucking dare touch
me with your fucking Christ fingers.
322
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,910
Don't you fucking dare!
323
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,230
I can't perform a
non-consensual baptism, Ellen.
324
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:30,990
I only want to save you, Steven.
I think you'd take to the church.
325
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,710
- You liked Cubs.
- I agree with Julian.
326
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,550
Aggravated baptism is a non-runner.
327
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,150
Now, will you all please
leave my lovely home.
328
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,030
I've got to start softening an
onion now if I want to get to bed
329
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,360
by 2am.
330
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,680
This has disaster written all over it.
331
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:12,190
Oh, God, Steven, you have
to try the grilled cheese.
332
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,390
Seb does the best grilled
cheese this side of NYC.
333
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,910
Hey, I'd say it's the best including NYC.
334
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,830
Yeah, well, I've spent a lot of
time in NYC and maybe you're right.
335
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,270
It's a great town, isn't it?
336
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,150
Central Park, amazing.
337
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,470
Right in the centre there.
338
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:29,430
Greenwich Village, the Brooklyn,
Bronx, Uptown, Downtown, Eastside,
339
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,870
- all the sides. - You've never
been to New York, have you, Cass?
340
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,470
Not literally, but you
can still feel the vibe.
341
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,870
This is incredible grilled
cheese, Steven, try it.
342
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,600
It's cheese and bread, Jeff,
how wonderful can it be?
343
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,550
See? It's amazing, isn't it?
344
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,830
How do you make it taste like it does?
345
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,030
I make my own sourdough with spelt flour.
346
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,870
Started from a local bakery
that dates back 40 years.
347
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,150
Cheese is a unique sheep's cheddar,
348
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,440
which I make in small
batches. Do you like it?
349
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,710
I quite like cheese on
toast, so I quite like this.
350
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,870
I'm not very hungry though, I
just did a roast in the static.
351
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,510
This is such an amazing event, Andrew.
352
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,150
Laurie would've loved it.
353
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:14,680
You know, for the first time
since he died, I think...
354
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,470
.. I'm happy.
355
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,230
Oh, thank you.
356
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:20,830
You're welcome.
357
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,750
I say roast, I haven't got an oven,
so I boiled the chicken on the hob.
358
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,110
It took awhile, but it was cooked through.
359
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,060
Why don't people boil chickens any more?
360
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,790
Probably the smell.
361
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:32,880
Tasty, though.
362
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,790
She misses you, you know?
363
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,790
- She misses you.
- You think so?
364
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,750
I know so.
365
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,350
I sometimes wonder if she...
366
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,390
She can't smell you at night,
that's what it is, so she whines.
367
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,950
Oh, the dog.
368
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,510
- Right. - It's pitiful.
I try to comfort her,
369
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,550
but I'm no substitute for you.
370
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,910
What the fuck?
371
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,830
Oi! Oi!
372
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,230
Stop that. That's my...
373
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,550
Hang on. What are you doing?
374
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,070
- Toilet. - What do you mean,
"Toilet"? This isn't a toilet.
375
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,670
People are using the toilet in there.
376
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,390
There is a toilet in there,
but this isn't a toilet.
377
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,070
This isn't a public toilet.
378
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,190
- This is my home.
- You live here?
379
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,030
- Yes.
- In this caravan?
380
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,910
Yes. It's very big.
381
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,350
Come on, on your way.
382
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,270
Move along. There are loos in the pub.
383
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,790
This is someone's home here.
384
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,150
- Horsefucker.
- It's very nice inside.
385
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,080
Not any more, mate, looks like
a gift shop at a turd museum.
386
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:40,760
Fuck.
387
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,560
We are so pleased that so
many of you have come today.
388
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,390
Mate.
389
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,830
- Tom, hi.
- Great festival.
390
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,870
- Right. - Any chance you
could do me a favour?
391
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,870
- Sure, go ahead.
- Al and me, we've mistimed things.
392
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,950
Got talking to the Welsh dim
sum guy, forgot about the time.
393
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,110
- And you know we're er...
- Ah, yes.
394
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,790
Her egg timing's gone off.
Ovaries like big satsumas.
395
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:13,030
Need to... You know,
more or less, right now.
396
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,830
- No time to get home.
- Say no more.
397
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,950
Um, go ahead. You use
the caravan for a while.
398
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,430
It might smell a bit of
shit and boiled chicken.
399
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:22,950
I'll make myself scarce.
400
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,470
Actually, you couldn't stay and
keep guard, could you, mate?
401
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,590
I saw some people using
it as a toilet earlier.
402
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,030
We don't need them banging on
the door when we're trying...
403
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,870
No. Blimey, nightmare.
Of course. Nice one.
404
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,910
Not nice one...
405
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,230
Hi, thanks so much.
406
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,720
No problemo. Sorry about all the smells.
407
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,030
Cheers, mate, and we'll be quiet.
408
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,830
Well, Alison is pretty quiet
in that regard anyway.
409
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,070
Is she?
410
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,030
- Isn't she? - Anyway, you
won't hear much with the music
411
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,780
- and the tractor display and
all that caper. - Just a sec.
412
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:02,920
It's great this, isn't it?
413
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,790
It's like all my Christmases
have come at once, Jan.
414
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,110
By which I mean,
enormously disorientating.
415
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,430
Have you tried the grilled cheese?
416
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,280
Could you maybe leave me alone, Jan?
417
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,390
The festival made a loss.
418
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,230
We actively lost money.
419
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,870
Well, it might not have made a profit
420
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,030
on your grey spreadsheet, Alan Sugar.
421
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,550
But it feels like it did
because of the amazing vibe.
422
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,070
It made a profit in good will, Steven.
423
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:51,550
Let's agree to differ.
424
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,470
- What?
- Agree to differ, mate.
425
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,710
No, you can't. This isn't about
opinions, it's about facts.
426
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,390
That's everything secured, we'll
do the clear up in the morning.
427
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,470
- I'm gonna take myself upstairs to bed.
- Brilliant day, Andrew.
428
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,150
- Thank you.
- Yes, fantastic festival.
429
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,870
Top work boy, top work.
430
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,510
Thanks. I fear we might not
have made a literal profit.
431
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,310
- Oh, it's only money.
- Thanks for your enthusiasm, guys.
432
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,550
- Night all. - Night-night. - Night!
433
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,350
Right, I'm going to bed too.
434
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:19,760
Goodnight, love.
435
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,430
- Your hand's wet.
- Is it?
436
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,270
Wait, were you... Do you think
you've just baptised me?
437
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,310
- No, love.
- Because you haven't baptised me.
438
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,270
You have no power to baptise me.
439
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,830
I know, I didn't baptise you.
440
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,550
- You go off to bed, love.
- I'm not baptised?
441
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,830
Of course you're not.
442
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,830
When I die, my brain will
be starved of oxygen,
443
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,710
and everything I am, everything
I've ever thought or felt,
444
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,070
every memory I have, ends forever.
445
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,160
Of course it does.
446
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,480
You have a lovely sleep.
447
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:19,240
♪ You can't judge a book
by looking at the cover
448
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,150
♪ Can't judge a book
449
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,030
♪ Can't judge a book
450
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,870
♪ Can't judge a book
451
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,510
♪ Can't judge a book
452
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,750
♪ Can't judge a book
453
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,710
♪ Can't judge a book
454
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,350
♪ Can't judge a book
455
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,230
♪ Can't judge a book
456
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,870
♪ Can't judge a book
457
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,030
♪ Can't judge a book
458
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,150
♪ Can't judge a book... ♪
37340
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