Original subtitles

EMBER: Hello, glorious audience,

it is I, Ember, God of Fillory.

Feel free to bow and grovel. I'll wait.

Oh, but I've got so much to tell you.

I, with minor help from my brother, Umber, RIP,

created a world intricate as filigree.

And that is what I called it. Except I was a bit drunk so... "Fillory."

Chock-stuffed with magic, chatty animals, sexy creatures.

Really, what a planet.

I calibrated everything for maximum entertainment.

I decreed it be ruled by Children of Earth,

a glum little planet known for its plucky Magicians.

These brave souls would come, and when they got boring, off they went.

Case in point, Martin Chatwin. Brave, clever boy.

Born hero.

Yet, honestly, very uncomfortable to watch once he'd been molested.

So I made the difficult decision to kick him out

and replace him with someone more punchy and fun.

But Martin was more tenacious than I gave him credit for.

He drank from the Wellspring to get strong,

screwing Fillory in the process,

and set booby traps for my brother and me.

And before you know it, Umber's dead,

and I'm hiding in stupid Loria.

I'm so fucking bored, Children of Earth.

EMBER: Cut to...

Martin's mutated into a terrible beast in a dapper suit.

Enter Quentin Cold water and his friends,

the Addict, the Victim, the Bitch, the Scowl and the Martyr.

I bestowed my blessing and they set out to kill The Beast.

Of course they failed.

Twist!

They have to start from scratch with The Beast. Thrilling!

The danger of sublimated trauma is a major theme in our story,

evidenced by Julia and Martin

teaming up to kill the Earth god who violated her.

All very ambiguous and poignant,

I know!

Julia's partnership also threw a massive wrench into Quentin's works.

Gut-wrenching!

I was forced to intervene. Cameo!

I have befouled the Wellspring.

Wasn't it tragic when Alice died?

Wasn't it scary when she became a Niff in?

The personal nature of her story subverted Quentin's hero's journey nicely.

Character is destiny, and, ultimately,

Quentin is a Magician of intellect,

who nevertheless, and to his detriment, acts from his heart.

But I did other things too, like lead Quentin to that candy witch.

Don't worry, that'll pay off.

I hid the Wellspring bowl in plain sight.

Made the Rainbow Bridge bloom.

Stole from the River Watcher so he'd be good and angry when Penny stiffed him.

Oh, I know, good one.

It was I who caused the High King's bride

to ovulate on the right day, leading to...

(IN FALSETTO) Pregnant!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Ultimately leading to...

(IN FALSETTO) The Fairies can bring back the Wellspring?

They can.

And in return?

A royal child of Whitespire.

Take her to the dungeon.

It will transport you to the Fairy Realm.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) I repeatedly broke the filtration system,

so the Wellspring would be unpredictable and fun.

All those pesky "brown outs. '' Moi!

To be sure, The Order is on to me.

They're in a panic about the Great Blank Spot,

surmising a fatal hit to the Wellspring.

True, I am nearly finished with Fillory.

Every chapter must end, and on the eve of my benevolent destruction,

I'm getting it all out of my system.

Like, causing sudden climate change that kills entire tedious species of wildlife.

Turning people into delicious rats.

All the babies this week woke up with no mouths.

Oh, horrifying. (SCREAMS)

I bet you're wondering what happens next.

And that is how I know I've done my job well.

Sit back, have a nice pipe of marijuana and enjoy my grand opus.

I call it Fillory's last gasp.

(WIND HOWLING)

(SIGHS)

I just miss the fire, okay?

Drink this.

What is it?

Renders you unable to harm your own body.

(WHISPERING) This is all pointless, Q.

You can't medicate me away...

Just fucking drink it.

All of it.

(BURPS) Ugh!

Why did you bring me back?

Why do you keep asking me that?

(SCOFFS)

I watched you almost die trying to bring your brother back.

You loved him. I love you.

(SCOFFS)

I'd like to be alone now.

(COUGHING)

I take that to mean I'm improving.

Well, your skin's healing.

Obviously your lungs are, to use a technical term,

fucked,

but more importantly... Just say it.

You have lesions on your spine.

And they're growing aggressively.

Cancer.

Call it cancer-plus.

Whatever you were exposed to has spell residue all over it.

So a Magician did this?

Well, if so, it may be a code we can crack.

How long?

Well, it's hard to say,

but I have my entire department working on it. I...

I mean, how long till I die. If you don't crack it.

Two or three weeks.

But I promise you, we are doing everything we can to just...

(GRUNTS) Okay...

Yeah, I'm not waiting to die in a hospital bed.

Okay. I don't... I'm not!

(GRUNTS)

(WHISPERING) Can we talk, please? Yes.

(SCOFFS)

(GRUNTS)

KADY: Hey there, hot stuff.

No offense, you might look as bad as I do.

I doubt that.

You're dying.

All I am is a little strung out.

Kady.

What? It's not about me.

What happened? Just tell me.

Reynard's gone.

I should be happy,

but it wasn't how I wanted it.

It's not enough.

God, I feel like bashing my head into a wall.

(SNIFFLES AND SIGHS)

Why can't anything just be fixed?

Life. I guess. (SCOFFS)

(SNIFFLES)

(VOICE BREAKING) I don't want you to die.

'Course not. I'm the best lay of your life.

(LAUGHING) Shut up.

What are we gonna do?

Wrap our minds around it.

Kady, let's not waste time being mad, okay?

I'm just gonna find Quentin and Eliot.

Just gonna make a couple pit stops first.

(HORNS HONKING DISTANTLY) (SIRENS WAILING)

(SNIFFS)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(EXHALES SHAKILY)

It's, um, a nice sconce. Did you, um...

Spit it out.

You want something.

Yeah. First...

(EXHALES)

Are you okay?

I'm whole again.

Which is a good thing?

If by good you mean crying jags

and mountains of guilt and panic attacks,

then, yeah, I'm doing fucking great.

And since I better be getting back to one of those soon,

whether I like it or not, how can I help you?

Q says you have an amulet that would make me invisible to a god.

(GROANS)

(SIGHS)

(SOBS)

Um, I don't pretend to understand what you've been through,

but I can tell you the way you're relating to that couch is not unknown to me.

Then you know I want to be alone.

And, um, also that you probably shouldn't be right now.

Why do you care?

I just do.

Come with me

and help me try to convince Ember to let us keep Fillory.

Why?

Because I have never met anyone less willing to take no for an answer.

But I betrayed you, remember?

(INHALES DEEPLY)

That was a long time ago.

(CLEARS THROAT) I need help, and you do, too.

Let's kill a few birds.

What do you say?

Wanna put some pants on and help me save all of magic?

I'll go talk to Eliot and Quentin.

Uh, Kady...

Just tell Penny that I went to find a quiet place to do some dope.

I'm ready to leave when he is.

Look, here's the deal.

I just read your book in the Library.

Both volumes.

My book? Why?

Because it ends the way they all do in a couple days.

With 20 blank pages.

Something's about to happen.

Something magical, and really fucking bad.

And I think it's... It's Ember.

He's been doing all sorts of fucked up shit in Fillory.

"Bucket list" shit.

What's in my book?

You do your recon,

find out Prince Ess of Loria has taken Whitespire.

Shit.

Then kidnap Idri, who I guess is a rat?

Turn him back, then camp here

trying to find the perfect spell

to force Ember to keep his mitts off of Fillory.

But if my book ends then... Then... Exactly.

We know that doesn't work.

So you need to do anything else. Anything. Pick a plan and commit.

If it's written, isn't it written?

Yes. But I think you can change it.

Okay, so we can save Fillory

if we subscribe to a free-will view of the universe, which is fair.

So what am I supposed to do?

Go. Get Idri. Hurry.

I just got one thing I gotta button up.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey. I calculated a portal to Tahiti.

Hold up.

No. You warned them.

You've done enough, you get to be done.

I'm sorry. Believe me, I'd rather...

No. None of it matters, Penny.

(WHOOSHING) Oh, come on!

Penny, you're needed at once.

I'm busy. Bit of an emergency, we need our full staff.

Are you crazy? He's dying.

Yes, because he went into a restricted area,

which lethally poisoned him and puts him on strict probation,

but most assuredly does not mean he is excused from work.

We'll take every step to keep him comfortable.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Kady, knowledge itself is at stake.

That is more important than any single one of us.

I'll give you a moment to say goodbye.

No. No. Not goodbye.

Kady, listen, I... No. I am telling you, this isn't fair.

(WHOOSHING)

God damn it! Fuck.

(SIGHS)

MARGO: Just crack the damn lock.

Hurry, before some Fairy asshole sees us.

JOSH: I'm going as fast as I can.

Fen, are you okay?

Sweetie, do you know where you are?

A plane laid atop our own,

so, the Fairy Castle and Whitespire actually occupy the same space and time,

but two dimensions, or possibly the same dimension,

but incredibly sped up like that one episode of Star Trek where...

Just get the damn chain, Josh.

No.

Not without my baby. They took her away.

You have to come with us, okay?

Get the goddamn shackles, Hoberman.

Grab her with me. Come on. Come on.

There you are. The Queen will see you now.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(FROGS CROAKING)

(CROAKING)

You've been making yourself quite at home sneaking around my castle.

It's actually more like my castle

that you guys have made some weird AM radio version of.

What is it that you seek, rude little Earth girl?

The woman and child you stole.

You made a deal.

That deal was inhumane bullshit, made under total duress.

Look, just tell me what you want, okay, lady?

The child is mine.

Now, onto the business at hand...

No, the baby is the business.

FAIRY QUEEN: Ember is dangerously bored of Fillory.

You underestimated how devastating it can be to displease a god.

We've been trying to get a hold of Ember for months.

He ignores us.

Because you ask for things.

Offer something to him instead.

How do you know all this?

As it is in our shared interest for your High King to succeed,

I'm inclined to let you go help him.

Great.

Josh, Fen, the baby and I will go right now.

You know it doesn't work that way.

Now, are you familiar with this?

No...

Fucking goddamn... (SNIFFS)

Smells good. (LAUGHS)

Even better to a god.

It will draw Ember.

Take it, bake it into...

I know this one. Little cakes.

He loves little cakes.

Okay.

Point the way back.

Certainly.

As soon as I've exacted the toll.

Travel from this world costs, dear. I don't make the rules.

Oh, that's right. Yes, I do.

We'll be seeing each other soon, I suspect.

So, how is Alice?

Okay, Eliot, I... We need your help, Q.

You gave her the no-secret-cutting shit from the keg, right?

Yes, physically she's perfectly safe.

But mentally... (SIGHS HEAVILY)

What am I supposed to do?

You know what you learn when you're a High King?

Screwing up is inevitable.

And there are some fuck ups you can never unfuck.

It's infuriating and it's heartbreaking, but...

I think I destroyed her, Eliot.

She made plenty of her own choices along the way.

I'm not saying it doesn't suck.

I'm saying, Fillory needs you.

You chose to be a king. This is what that means.

We have a plan,

but we need someone who speaks fluent fanboy.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

What on Earth are you doing here, sad little nerd king?

You're sitting in my chair, asshole.

You're sitting in my chair, asshole.

Where the hell are the guards?

Fast asleep, sorry.

Watch where you point that thing.

Dad, you're okay.

I had to do this. You were a rat...

Can I have my throne back now?

I'll fight if you want. I've become pretty boss with a broadsword.

You have, so don't.

(SIGHS)

Fine.

Always did like to storm out.

(DOOR SLAMS)

I should go, too.

I should be there for my people, whatever happens.

You mean, in case I fail?

You won't.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, since Ember banished me,

I wonder if that nullified my whole Fillorian contract.

We could check.

Okay, so the thing is, this, um, Blank Spot, it's coming up fast.

And it lines up with everything

that you were saying about Ember.

Is this tree too asymmetrical?

It's nice. I...

(SIGHS)

So, there's no way that you would want to help us, like, at all?

One cannot just show up after one's faked one's own death.

I'm sorry.

The end of Fillory makes me sad as well.

So Fillory really is done?

I like you. You care about things.

Yeah, it's not really a trait that's helped me much.

But it could be,

if it were applied to not trying to fix the unfixable,

but rather something fresh and more perfect.

Like, say...

Care to take a visit? Make some notes?

Um, I, uh...

I'm sorry, but you're acting like I'm asking you,

whereas I am a god and you're a hairless monkey,

so nod and say thank you.

(MOUTHING) All right!

Let's go to the pocket world formerly known as Cuba!

(WHOOSHING)

(RHYTHMIC THRUMMING)

JOSH: Whoa. (MARGO BREATHING HEAVILY)

Coming back from the Fairy world

was a little rockier than getting there.

You don't fucking say.

Are you okay?

Jesus.

Fen wouldn't come because they have your daughter.

I'm sorry.

I'll keep trying. I promise, El.

First, we need to deal with that cock Ember.

We come bearing bait. (CHUCKLES)

I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man.

I was actually thinking more like a Fembot Nick Fury.

Look... No, I need to...

I know. Okay?

I was angry.

And scared of what you were capable of.

But you were doing your best in an impossible position

that would have crushed anyone, myself included.

Wait, is your good eye crying right now?

No...

Yes.

And it's not my good eye. It's my only fucking eye.

(CHUCKLES)

It's not funny, you dick. I'm a cyclops.

A mythological monster at last. Box checked.

We're trying too hard.

Pardon?

To just blow past and banter.

It's not the same. Let's not pretend it is, okay?

That makes it hurt worse.

I guess we'll just have to live with the strain till the future reveals itself.

Meantime, that future's gonna be a big, blank, post-apocalyptic nada

unless we do what we do best.

Act out with a total lack of empathy and impulse control?

Party like the world depends on it.

'Cause, Bambi-One-Eye, it do.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

(MOANING SOFTLY)

Oh, my God.

I threw better orgies when I was 10.

I give you little cakes.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

JOSH: I know they're irresistible. It's the candied Fairy hemp.

But resist. This is for our guest of honor.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

NIGEL: Be brutal.

It's really...

It's really linear.

(CHAIR SCRAPING)

How's the Linguini?

There's nothing wrong with it.

Excellent. That's excellent. (CLEARS THROAT)

It's maybe a little, uh...

Chewy?

Bland.

Bland "good"? Or...

Bland is never really good or bad.

It appeals to all tastes.

Sure.

But usually people, uh... Creatures who can think, gods, even...

They sometimes like the unknown,

the unexpected, even the offensive.

Little bit of, uh...

Chaos.

Happy now?

You know who'd love this?

Who'd create an entire world out of this greasy stain?

My brother.

Yes, Ember would make a mess...

Do not speak to me of Ember!

I like you, boy, but I have a temper.

Wait, what about a human sacrifice?

No! Unless the cakes are bad. (SIGHS)

Well, they smell great, but I don't think they're working, so...

(WHOOSHING) EMBER: Little cakes.

Mmm. Oh!

Mmm. Oh, oh.

Oh, yes.

Welcome, Ember, God of Gods.

Wait, didn't I banish you?

You did, Lord of All, but...

I didn't expect this... I can explain...

I love it.

(SIGHS) A genuine twist, a true surprise. (GIGGLES)

When was the last time that happened around here?

Exactly, and we're really sorry about that.

We've fallen down on the job, but boredom is death,

I totally agree.

Isn't it, though? It is.

But we can make Fillory more exciting and watchable than ever.

That's our pitch.

It's a new chapter, and the title is,

"Shit Tons of Drama and Surprise."

Intriguing.

How?

Don't destroy Fillory.

Shake things up, yes.

Like the rats.

ELIOT: (LAUGHS) Yeah. The rats were hilarious.

It was good, wasn't it?

We're all still laughing. Right?

Mmm-hmm. Laughing?

(ALL LAUGHING)

There's so much more to do here.

So many twists and surprises this world can offer. Mmm.

Think back to the moment you created the first blades of grass.

Sentient trees.

Talking animals.

ELIOT: The Wellspring.

Think back to what you built with your brother Umber.

My brother, rest his soul,

was nothing but a simpering, sniping, anal retentive critic.

As well as a...

Greedy, promiscuous, selfish, credit-hogging, mouse-eating slob.

Any talk of this is mere whimsy.

And it is whimsy itself that I am tired of and finished with.

We get it, we do.

I mean, try ruling a world of whimsy, am I right?

Mmm. Not so whimsical, actually.

Well, then, let's get it over with.

Why wait? Let's start right now.

No, no, no. (RUMBLING)

Okay, wait a minute. Rewind, rewind, rewind. (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Stop! Are you insane, you can't...

Margo! I mean, we meant,

make it better, make it better.

Less whimsical ! More meaner maybe, more you.

Maybe. If I didn't have to do it alone.

Say what you will about my dear departed brother,

but he was a demon for overwork.

Hmm. He had a strange love for this...

Poor accursed place.

Too late to be helped now. I couldn't bear to go back.

(STUTTERS) I won't. I won't.

Um, actually, we're already there.

Where?

Apocalypse, apocalypse, apocalypse! (LAUGHING)

Isn't it wonderful?

What are you doing? You're making a mess!

(GRUNTING)

I'm back? (CHUCKLES)

EMBER: You're alive.

(LAUGHS)

How is this possible, brother?

You died battling Martin to save me.

(CHUCKLES)

Why are you afraid?

I am so pleased.

Martin told me you died...

When he banished me.

Hey, guys. How about a hug?

MARGO: This is a family reunion.

EMBER: This was a family betrayal.

Wasn't it?

Wasn't it?

No!

No! I can't be here.

Oh ! All this time, I thought Martin so powerful.

But, no.

He was merely a brilliant deal maker.

My banishment for your life.

Your puny, petty, putrid,

nothing of a soul spark.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Please.

(GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Please!

You always were the weak one.

(CHOKING) (LAUGHS)

(SWORD CLANGING)

(CHOKING)

(GRUNTS)

(CHANTING QUIETLY)

Come and get me, you fucking baby.

You wanna know why you're so bored?

Because you're too stupid to get it,

you're too spoiled and entitled to understand...

How dare you? I am a god.

Are you? Really?

I'm not impressed.

I've met scary gods. And you?

You're nothing but a petty tyrant.

(CHOKING)

(EMBER GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

Quentin? (GROANS)

You always surprise.

(GROANS)

(EMBER WHIMPERS)

(GASPS)

Holy fuck.

ELIOT: Q?

I think you just saved the whole world.

ELIOT: We are officially a land of godless heathens,

making today the first day of our societal adulthood.

I, for one, am slightly terrified and equally excited.

And trying not to break into Hamilton.

And so I turn over the next phase of our maturation to our High Queen Margo.

We need a constitution.

PICKWICK: Pardon?

These are some pretty good ones here so let's rip off the best parts.

Hungry?

I know Mayakovsky said soft bland food for a while,

but I can see that's not really working.

So I stopped by the farm

where Fogg gets his weekly rasher of bacon.

No, thanks.

QUENTIN: You sure?

(GROANS)

Because I tried it

and, uh, it's amazing.

ALICE: I know what you're trying to do.

I'm just trying to do breakfast food. That's all.

Oh, fuck you.

Mmm.

Please.

Fuck.

Gluttony.

It's an excellent part of being human.

I don't remember many others.

Really?

Ugh.

Hmm, my hands are all greasy.

Ugh.

With every good thing no matter how small it is,

it's always married to something so completely disgusting.

You can't escape it.

You're right. It's gross. We are animals.

Why does that feel so good?

I don't know.

It just does.

And always did.

(BREATHING RAGGEDLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(FOGHORN BLOWING)

Look, I need your help.

I'm not gonna beg.

I'm not gonna use guilt. I have no leverage.

But Penny is in the Library. He can be your mole.

But to do that, he'd have to be alive.

He'd never know.

Whatever you need, ask me about it. He tells me, I tell you.

Who saved her man's life, so maybe not. Big picture, right?

Deal?

Deal.

You know, I probably shouldn't say this out loud, but...

This was kind of an okay day.

Are you bragging?

No...

Kind of.

Not about this.

Entirely.

I also kind of killed a god.

(LAUGHS, SNORTS)

Huh. Hilarious.

No. Serious.

Ember...

I mean, he was erasing the whole thing.

Wait, you can't be serious.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

No, I didn't want to.

He just killed his brother, he was going after Julia.

He was genocidally insane...

You don't get it.

Jesus.

When I was a Niff in, I... I saw things.

I saw everything from the beginning of time.

Alice, calm down.

No. I understand the way the universe works, Q.

The Wellspring, the hierarchies, the plumbing.

I was inside it.

Gods like Ember have parents, you idiot.

I'm not following.

The Old Gods.

The creators of the universe, of all magic itself.

To Ember, we're like toys,

but to the them we're cells.

When we're harmless, they ignore us.

But when we become malignant, they amputate.

Now, if you're gonna use stones like this. (DOOR OPENS)

It's imperative that...

Excuse me. Excuse me. This...

QUENTIN: Okay. Wait.

There's an actual plumber, like the Mario Brother of the gods?

Yes.

And he can just... I guarantee you, he's doing it.

(POWER WINDING DOWN)

(ALL GASP)

(ALARM WHOOPING)

FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE: (ON PA) Attention.

Please keep calm and follow all code procedures.

Please remember not to interact

and safely gather all the things as you cautiously exit.

Attention. Please keep calm and follow...

(CLANGS)

Professor!

Mayakovsky!

Holy shit.

All right, everyone. Open your books to Chapter 16.

Who can translate the Borkulo Rendering from its original Hungarian?

No point in raising hands. Remember?

I can.

Dean Fogg? Sorry to interrupt...

Yes, Josh. Go ahead.

Well, I was online last night...

And the answer is no.

There is no actual evidence of a magical surge in Sedona, Arizona.

Yeah, but what about... Or Kenya or Machu Picchu or China.

Or anywhere.

Magic is gone.

The best we can do is accept that

and continue our theoretical studies to stay ready for its return.

So you think that's possible.

Anything is possible, Alice.

Was, anyway.

MAN: Look at you.

Playing the part of the bright young girl.

Joseph?

Ah, yes.

I can see my Alice in there still.

Good.

Are you all right?

I am as I appear. Dying.

So, it is true? Magic's gone everywhere.

The creatures, cryptids, sylphs, dragons, unicorns,

even the pointless vampires are all as they were.

But those of us who drew on the power of the Wellspring...

Well, as you can see.

I want to help.

I'm here, Alice, because it is you who needs help.

What?

As a Niff in, you made enemies.

I'm here to warn you that one of them seeks you.

Who?

The Lamprey.

You do recall what you did to his family?

Yes.

Most amusing at the time.

But to The Lamprey, cause for vengeance.

It knows you're weak. It knows you're here.

What...

(GASPING)

MARGO: Democracy has to take a backseat.

Without magic, the people are terrified.

And that is just one step from an angry mob...

And that's how royal heads end up in baskets.

I get it. I get it.

This is an undereducated, pre-industrial populace, Eliot.

They need to be ruled.

They need to be inspired.

They need to think they're being inspired, as they're being ruled.

I'm talking curfew, martial law, conscription

and severe and public punishment.

Okay, can we maybe make our way to King and Queen Caligula, please?

Maybe, uh...

How do you not recognize me? I'm the king's wife, tell them.

Oh, my God.

ELIOT: Are you okay? Yes.

How did you get here?

Simple. (SNIFFS) I just gave them my toes.

Gave who your toes?

The Fairies.

I wanted to stay,

to be close to our daughter, but I had to warn you.

They're coming.

They're here.

(GASPS) (GOBLET CLATTERS)

Boo.

Hey.

Hey.

QUENTIN: Jules, I...

JULIA: Hi. (LAUGHS)

How did you get in here?

Well, your fence is a little shoddy.

Right.

Welcome to the new normal.

You know, 'cause I killed all magic fucking everywhere.

(BOTH SCOFFING)

JULIA: Sorry, that was definitely a two-hander,

I'll be burning in hell right next to you.

But, hey, at least we have each other.

Hmm.

So, how are you?

Fine.

Listen... How's law school?

I quit.

Okay. Why?

Because I need to show you something.

And you need to promise me that you're not going to tell anyone.

'Cause you're the only person that I trust.

I promise.

Jules, it's not gonna work.

Just gimme a second. (SIGHS)

We all get flashes that we can do it again, but it's...

(SIZZLING)

Oh, my God. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

How?

I have no idea.

http://hiqve.com/