Original subtitles

QUENTIN: Previously on The Magicians...

MAYAKOVSKY: They know everything.

Who you are, what you've done.

You cannot go back.

KADY: What am I supposed to do?

What we all do. Decide.

QUENTIN: Hey, where's Kady?

Who gives a shit?

I don't think Penny even cares that she's gone.

Believe me, he does.

We're gonna make another you.

You sleep here, your mind goes into the golem.

(COUGHING)

DR. HIGGINS: The test was positive.

I want an abortion.

It's a totally mundane procedure.

Is it?

'Cause it might not be a "simple, totally mundane" human embryo.

Stop! What are you doing? Stop! Kady!

(SCREAMING)

DANA: So sorry about this.

That's my Haxenpaxen.

Just imagine what it's giving off magically.

We're invisible while we're near him.

Kady!

Your magic is no good here.

What's with Stink-master Flash?

He's coming with us.

It's my mom's contact. She can help with the baby situation.

They may be able to help your friend with her problem,

but listen, I would never ever do business with them if I had a choice.

PICKWICK: Your Majesties, the much-venerated emissaries

of our neighbors to the north.

I present Prince Ess of Loria.

You fucked with us.

Mmm-hmm. Yes, you did.

You fucked with our castle.

Amen, sister.

And now the High King and I hereby declare war on the kingdom of Loria!

Yes!

Wait...

Really?

I cast a Niff in summoning and you didn't come.

You're wrong. I was right there.

I killed you. My cacodemon...

Your cacodemon wasn't powerful enough to kill me.

It tried, but when it saw that it couldn't win...

Well, let's just say it stuffed me in a place most convenient.

That stupid tattoo trap on your back.

We're stuck with each other.

Oh, Quentin.

We're gonna have so much fun.

Stop ignoring me! Stop ignoring me, you pussy.

Pay attention to me, you miserable sad sack. What's wrong with you?

Stop it!

Are you ready to let me out of that hairy back of yours?

'Cause I'm never gonna stop.

And sooner or later one of these dummies

are gonna call the brain police.

And you got priors.

QUENTIN: This is not Alice. This is not Alice.

This is not Alice. This is not Alice. This is not...

Just keep telling yourself that.

(BOOKS SLAMMING) You have got to stop.

Fine. Let me out of this trap and I'm gone.

Okay. Look, Alice.

Evil thing inside of me that used to be Alice.

I have to say the words to open the trap.

Of my own volition, out loud.

And I'm not going to do that.

Because there is one policy for you out here,

and it is to box you up for eternity.

Kind of boxed up right now. In you.

It's not the same thing and you know it.

Block of wood isn't trying to fix this. I am.

Save me? Is that what you think you're doing?

You think I want that?

I think if you were really you right now, that's all you would want.

Oh, what, and you're the world's foremost expert in all things me?

Based on what?

Our garbage fire of a relationship

that ended with Eliot's dick in your mouth?

Look, you came really close to fixing this once for your brother.

I thought I did. But I was like you then.

Small, yet weirdly arrogant

for somebody who didn't understand magic at all.

If you would just work with me instead of jabbing at me,

we could figure out what's missing.

(STAMMERING) We could make the spell work. We could do this.

ALICE: Listen to me.

I promise, the math will never add up, Q.

You'll never get that girl back.

Everything that's missing burned up when I became this.

It's gone forever, Q.

This isn't good for either of us.

No, no, this is making me saner by the second.

I don't want to hurt you. I actually don't want to hurt anyone.

Bullshit. You're a Niff in.

Q, I'm not bloodthirsty. I just want to be free.

And I already told you. I can't do that.

Fine, just let me take over your body.

For just the tiniest little bit.

I'll be good. I'll be so good.

No! That's crazy.

So I have to be a Niff in,

yet I don't even get to be a Niff in?

I could travel the universe, I could see things you couldn't even imagine,

but instead, I have to be bored and stuck with you!

I'm sorry that it is torture

to be with the one person who's trying to help you.

So, go back to screaming until you go insane?

Is that your choice?

No, that's your choice

or you could be quiet.

(WHISPERING) And you could let me try and solve this.

(GROANS)

Well, this is the place.

Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?

I mean, Goldie said they're legit.

Only one way to find out.

Yeah.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GROANS)

(BOTH SPEAKING KOREAN)

(SIGHS)

Problem? No problem.

We're just discussing how to handle your situation.

It's okay. My way's best way.

But you can abort it, right?

This is exorcism.

That thing is not human.

The longer it's inside you, the more tangled it gets with your essence

and the harder it is for me to help you.

You understand?

(WHISPERS) Okay.

Then I exorcise the trickster for you.

After you pay. Thank you.

One million dollars? In gold.

Paper money's for drug dealers and idiots.

Look, Goldie will tell you I'm good for it.

Can you just do it now and we'll pay you later?

Bars. Two big bars.

Maybe 60 pounds. That's all.

What?

No, I'm just, uh...

I'm trying to remember the last time not having enough money

was one of my biggest problems.

Okay, well, cash won't cut it. So what?

Pawn shops?

Yeah, a million dollars in chains and earrings?

I mean, that would take so many pawn shops.

We might as well rob a bank.

Well, we are Magicians.

Why don't we just rob a bank?

So there's really no way to just

take it all back?

Your Majesty, one cannot simply

take back a declaration of war.

Good. Because I don't.

There are Lorian troops marching to the border.

They're days away.

We believe they intend to penetrate Fillory by way of the Grudge Gap.

And, of course, our preparation is affected

by the continued unsteadiness of the Wellspring.

Okay, well, we've got literally every engineer in the kingdom

working to de-shit in ate the Wellspring.

I'm gonna invent the guillotine in a hot second

if they don't get their shit together.

Everyone is doing their best, my Queen.

We expect to clear said water shortly.

We're excessively optimistic.

Spare no expense.

PICKWICK: Which brings me to my point.

Fixing the Wellspring is expensive.

War is expensive.

And at this time, we do not have the funds necessary.

We're broke?

It's magic residue.

Probably from a ward around the bank's underground vault.

It's a regular bank.

Regular banks have magical wards?

KADY: Ones connected to the Federal Reserve do, yeah.

Okay, so how do we get past it?

(GROANING)

Shit, it's...

Haxenpaxen.

(GROANING)

(BANGING)

Hey, we can't just let it out! It...

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

(JULIA COUGHING)

(GASPING)

(GROANS)

(FLESH TWISTING, BONES CRUNCHING)

(GROANS)

What the fuck?

(GROANING)

Wait. What the hell? A spoon?

I think it's dead.

What the hell was it? Besides huge and invisible?

Fuck! We have to stop the bleeding.

(SIGHING)

(EXHALES)

We should bury it properly.

Okay. But, Jules, we gotta move, okay?

We really need to get somewhere safe.

Okay, like?

You're not gonna like it.

Have you seen the Twilight movies?

Specifically the last one?

No.

Huh.

That's probably for the best.

Your problems extend beyond your uterus.

The fetus' élan vital

is entangled with your soul.

I mean, I've read about this, but I've never seen it in person.

You'll need to find a Mudang. It's their area.

Yeah, we did. She was expensive.

Yeah, tell me about it. I've been trying to get one on staff for years.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(EXHALES)

That poor girl's fucked.

And you're suggesting?

Let her stay.

I know that you expelled Kady.

And that you are not generally keen on granting asylum,

especially to Hedges.

Yes, well,

this is a special case.

Huh. Julia and I have a past.

Handle it however you want,

but for the record, that girl will be safer at Brakebills.

Mmm.

Well, transfer the energy from one being

and transform it.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey. What are you two doing here?

What?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

What's this bitch doing in my room?

I know that this was her room, right?

I guess they haven't moved her stuff yet,

but Fogg said space was limited. So...

I talked to Kady.

What? No respect for the dead, Q?

You're just gonna let her sit on my bed?

(SIGHS) Jules, I don't know what to say.

Say what you're thinking. That I'm cursed.

Must've been a serial killer in a past life.

Yeah, raise your hand if she's the reason

that you fucking exploded in this life.

Sorry for everything that's happened.

Yeah, speak for yourself.

For everything that you're going through.

Mmm, now you're just lying to her, Q.

I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time.

Yeah, because you blame her!

I'm not blaming you for Alice.

If I'm being honest.

No, if I make you feel so shitty, just go.

No.

Why? I'm the reason. If I'm the reason, and I...

'Cause that doesn't feel right either.

I don't know what's right.

My best friend in the world does crazy shit,

and doesn't trust me, and doesn't listen to me.

It is not that simple and you know it.

Well, I don't... What am I supposed to do?

Oh, you guys are both so goddamn maudlin.

(SHUSHING)

I promised you in Fillory

when you told me about Reynard

that I would help you, somehow.

And that is not a promise that I intend on breaking.

(SIGHS) So, if there's anything that I can do...

Actually, there is.

Help us rob a bank.

Oh, my God, yes.

You say yes.

It's for Professor Mayakovsky.

It was destroyed by other books.

Future Movements of Magic was written by a Polish scientist

who happened to be a...

What?

Jew.

So the Eugenics books came for it.

I'm really sorry.

They've been put in the restricted section

with the other anti-Semitic texts.

(GROANS)

Hey.

I'm...

Long story. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

There's our little king. (SIGHS)

So, how have you been since, um...

Uh... I'm managing.

Um, how are things with you guys?

Glad you asked. We're at war.

Also, Fillory is seriously, dangerously stone-cold broke.

Wait, how's that even possible?

The Nugget Beetles of the Outer Islands,

they literally shit precious stones.

Gone extinct, apparently.

Ember shitting in the power grid

really screwed us in a cornucopia of ways.

And before you ask, yes, every alchemist in history is a lying,

cheating illusionist.

They turn lead to gold, it turns right back in a day.

So, we are boned.

How would you guys feel about robbing a bank?

(KADY CHUCKLES)

Phew.

(SIGHS)

So,

what are you really up to?

(GROANS)

We need to rob a bank.

A bank heist.

Wow. Mmm.

I think the time we've invested in him may actually pay off.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, first there's something I need to tell you.

You're not going to like it, but hear me out.

For Julia? The psychopath?

The victim of a fucking rape by a trickster god.

(SCOFFS)

(SIGHING) God!

Look, I gotta do this, okay? I owe her.

So?

You're gonna ask the Traveler you just fucked the shit out of to help?

I mean, no. I didn't really feel like I had the right.

That's noble,

but ask.

Not gonna lie. I always wanted to rob a bank.

To our little thievery corporation.

P.S., we still hate you.

But it's the 21 st century.

Shouldn't be this hard for a girl

to get an evil demigod abortion.

ELIOT: And we're emotionally advanced.

We can hold resentment and sympathy for a person at the same time.

And Fillory's broke. We need gold.

So, lucky you.

Thank you.

Okay, uh,

so, if this heist is happening, any ideas as to how?

Well, we cased the bank. There's a pretty gnarly ward around the vault.

Who here's actually robbed a bank?

When was this?

Senior year of high school.

(INHALES)

I had some issues.

Okay, listen up,

'cause I'm only going to go through this shit once.

Any bank worth robbing uses one of a handful of security systems.

All the usual bells and whistles.

But what most idiots don't know

is those companies are all owned by Magicians.

So the people that work there...

Clueless.

Tellers, managers, security guards, they're all Muggles.

They have no idea the vault has a secret feature.

Serious wards.

Designed specifically to keep out Magicians.

Now, in the case of our target,

their fingerprints control the alarm systems.

It takes two managers scanning their prints simultaneously to do this.

Once both the alarms and the wards go down,

you've got 10 minutes to get downstairs,

past the armed guards, and enter in the correct 10-digit combo.

If you screw up the combination

or you take longer than 10 minutes, you're fucked.

Now basic bitches trip all the standard alarm systems,

but Magicians, we also trip the magic wards,

which means Battle Magicians.

Full-time security employees on the D. L. with benefits.

You see one, run.

They only ask questions post-mortem.

But our ace is you.

Once we nab prints and drop the wards, you travel straight in.

You really don't think a bank vault,

of all places, has anti-Traveler protection?

MARGO: Oh, they do.

The entire floor of the vault is one big anti-Traveling sigil.

You're locked in till you run out of air.

Yeah, pass. I like air.

Relax, dummy. You only get stuck if you hit the floor.

Oh, so it's like Mission Impossible.

That movie was stupidly unrealistic.

It's so much easier to just levitate.

Yeah, I don't know how, and in case you guys have all forgotten,

I can't do magic.

Oh, that's fine. This is gonna get done to you.

It's a little thingy any Physical Kid can make in their sleep.

MARGO: Gravity Belt. Exactly.

Once we drop the wards, float Penny,

he zips in, he zips out, payday.

(SCREECHING)

KADY: Julia, run!

It's there. You just don't see it. Go!

I thought it was dead.

My guess, it's got friends.

Kady, come on. No. You go. I'll catch up.

Kady... No, I need to kill it. I'll be fine.

Why? I need its spoon.

Spoon?

KADY: This is yours, isn't it?

You sent those things after Julia, didn't you?

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

See? This is what happens when you don't pay.

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

Lady. Use your words.

What the... (SPEAKING KOREAN)

This is for a dokkaebi.

How you say, goblin? Invisible, right?

Yeah. Right.

This is very old magic.

You bring to life, using old, abandoned things like this wooden spoon.

And menstrual blood.

Probably Moon's.

These creatures are mercenaries. They won't stop.

You kill one, another one grows in its place.

Very fucked up.

Why the hell would she do that?

To kill your friend.

I told Moon to relax, but she's all, "Baby's too evil.

"It might hurt more people."

She wants to play it safe and kill both spawn and mom together.

She's so stupid.

You won't pay if your friend is dead.

Listen, we're trying to get you the money, okay?

If you wanna get paid so fucking bad, tell her to call it off.

Can't. She has 100 spoons.

Dokkaebi will not stop until trickster baby is dead.

So, you got two options.

I can exorcise for you

or a monster rips your friend's head off her neck.

So, hurry up with my gold.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hey.

Is that...

You remember that one time Richard and the Free Traders rewound time?

Déjà pizza? Yeah.

I think this is how they did it.

That was heavy cooperative magic.

Yeah, well, there are notes for version 2.0 here.

I mean, it's more efficient, takes less juice.

Either one of us could run it.

Let's see.

"The Quarterback?"

It goes back 15 seconds, get it?

Quarter of a minute?

Yeah, Richard did like his dad jokes. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I thought it could be useful,

but at this rate I won't actually get it to work for weeks.

And I guess I'd be weighed down lugging it anyway,

it's got a pretty small radius of influence.

Julia, you can't come.

What?

Those invisible blood-goblin things, they won't stop coming.

Not until your problem's dead.

Meaning you are.

If you step out from under these wards...

It'll find me and all of you. Right.

So, I'm supposed to what? Just wait here? Fingers crossed?

While everyone who blames me for Alice's death risks their life?

I mean, how does that even make sense?

Just 'cause you can't come doesn't mean you can't be there.

You can listen in and watch.

All right. But if anything goes wrong...

Nothing will, okay?

MARGO: Librarian, Neck Beard, and White Privilege.

They're the managers.

We need two of their prints.

The good news is, they all go to the same lame bar after work.

I'll take White Privilege. Kady, you take Neck Beard.

Oh, nut up. It's just a finger.

Walk up to him, grab his hand, and say, "Can I borrow this?"

Dip his stupid finger in his drink to sanitize it,

and pop it in your mouth.

Walk away yet stay emblazoned on his heart for a lifetime.

Done and done.

Fine.

Why's it got to be Kady? It could be Penny or Eliot.

Or you.

Yeah, sounded like volunteering.

Okay, fine. I'll take the Librarian. (LAUGHS)

Great. Quentin will go in my place. Thanks, Q.

So, he really just stuck that in your mouth?

KADY: Yup.

That is how the spell works.

Damn.

Unexpectedly, I am somehow turned on right now.

Oh, really?

Look at this idiot.

(GROANS)

Took you long enough.

So show us the goods.

(QUENTIN SIGHS) KADY: (LAUGHS) Oh, God!

(LAUGHS) Oh, that's bad.

PENNY: How'd you get it in your mouth?

Oh, it wasn't with your mouth, was it?

Oh.

(LAUGHS) Oh, shit.

(SNORTS) She went digital underground?

KADY: Oh, God. PENNY: Whoo!

What else do we have to do?

With these, we're golden.

Margo and Eliot grabbed everything else we need for the morning.

So go rest up, Cold water.

You've earned it.

MARGO: All right. Stick to the plan, precisely, and we should be golden.

I'll be right here waiting. Engines running.

Of course you will.

The brains of the operation drives the getaway.

Everyone knows that.

Of course.

Okay, bitches, let's do this.

Thanks, Jimmy. Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(GROANS)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

GUARD: All right, here we go.

GUARD: All right, here we go.

Good luck.

All right. Let's set the clocks.

(BEEPS)

KADY: Okay.

Three, two, one.

(BEEPS)

(ALARM BUZZES)

Okay.

Alarms and wards are down. It's up to Penny now.

Let's go.

(LAUGHS)

Wait.

Oh, shit. Um...

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, shit.

Shit!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

God damn it.

Fuck!

Fucking Physical Kids.

Penny's only got one minute. Where the hell is he?

Cutting it a little close, don't you think? So where's the booty?

Eliot, who are you talking to?

PENNY: They can't see me. I'm not technically here.

I'm incepting your ass. Your head. Your dreams.

You're still asleep in Fillory. Remember?

That is overly complicated.

You know what's not? No.

The sigil I just touched 'cause someone messed up the buoyancy math.

(SIGHS) That is not good.

Eliot, what's going on?

How do I put this? Penny fucked up.

No, it's your stupid device! I'm stuck now!

Penny's incepting my... Never mind, just trust me.

We have to get him out of that vault. Now. (WATCH BEEPING)

Or, say, sometime in the previous 10 minutes.

Fuck. Shit. Shit, let's go.

Tell her I'm fine. I'm running out of air.

Well. Way to mix the message.

Hey, Margo, keep the engine running.

I'll inform the bank manager the bees are resisting extermination,

and everyone needs to stay clear a little longer.

Let's go, kids. We're going back in.

(SUZIE GIGGLING) (JIMMY CLEARS THROAT)

JIMMY: Stop it. SUZIE: Shh!

Quiet!

You...

You are bad.

No, you're bad.

Oh, shit. What?

Guards.

What? I thought they evacuated.

I got this. I brought the perfect weapon.

Wait, you're not gonna...

Kill them? God, no.

The wrecking ball is a weapon of peace.

Trust me. I'm a genius.

SUZIE: Well, when you read the book and then you watch the movie,

it's always disappointing.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

SUZIE: It's always disappointing.

JIMMY: What if I read to you?

SUZIE: Stop it. Get back...

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Whipped that up trying to get anybody

to dance at our cottage soirées,

but it came on a bit strong.

Shit.

There's no way we can pick this lock.

Maybe we can brute force it.

Hold on. I think this door's too thick. Even for you.

Okay, just so we're on the same page,

we've got less than four minutes.

Fuck! Penny! We're getting you out.

I don't even think Alice could do this in under four minutes.

Maybe not then. But now I could do it in 15 seconds.

Oh, well. Rest in peace, Penny.

Well, I guess I could help for a price.

I wanna drive. For an hour a day, I get control of your body.

Okay, okay. Maybe we break this up. We split up the work.

I don't even know where to start.

Well, we can't just stand here!

I wouldn't hurt anyone.

I just want to stretch the tiniest bit. Breathe.

You set the terms.

We could even do a Word As Bond, so that I can't break it.

(SIGHS)

Okay. Thirty minutes. That's all you get.

After we hash out the Word As Bond.

Great.

(WHISPERING) You try anything crazy...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Box. Is it a deal?

Fine. It's a deal.

ELIOT: Are you talking to yourself?

Uh, no. Yeah. Uh...

Yes. I'm just... I'm doing long division in my head.

Move. Move!

(KEYPAD BEEPING)

(ALARM BUZZES)

I've always been good at math.

Penny, you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Hurray. Princess rescued. Let's collect our reward and go.

Yes!

(WATCH BEEPING)

Shit!

Q, stop!

QUENTIN: Oh.

Shit. Oh, no.

(ALARM BUZZING)

Let's go! Come on.

ELIOT: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it!

(STRAINING)

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit!

Well, why should I go out there first?

You're the Battle Magician!

(EXHALES) What about another Wrecking Ball?

(SIGHS) It was a one-off.

(BEEPING)

(ALARM BUZZES)

Oh, shit!

You're the Battle Magician.

Wait, did we just...

Go back in time? Yeah. Julia?

JULIA: I'm outside. I can see you in the van's mirror.

The effect reaches far enough?

Listen, you only have four rewinds.

Julia's outside.

She's watching with a machine that can rewind time.

(BEEPING)

(ALARM BUZZES)

PENNY: Now! Let's go.

You're the...

Kady, three rewinds left.

She can only go back 15 seconds. Let's go.

(BEEPING)

(ALARM BUZZES)

You're the...

Two rewinds left.

(BEEPING)

(ALARM BUZZES)

Penny!

Kady. Last rewind.

Okay, look. We need a plan.

Okay.

Okay, I'll blast the bitch.

You all run left. She's always on the right.

Is she? 'Cause last time I thought she was more in the middle...

Fifteen seconds!

(SCREAMING)

(DOKKAEBI ROARING) (SCREAMS)

(ALARM BUZZES)

Go.

PENNY: Kady!

(GROANS)

Julia.

Julia, answer me.

Let's go.

Q, come on. Grab the bar.

But...

PENNY: Grab the bar! Let's go!

What... What about...

It's clay. Eliot's fine. Let's go!

(GASPS)

Eliot? Eliot! Eliot!

Guards!

(DOKKAEBI SNARLING) (COUGHING)

(CHOKING)

(DOKKAEBI ROARS)

KADY: Julia, are you okay?

QUENTIN: Jules? Julia?

KADY: Talk to me. QUENTIN: Julia, stay with us.

KADY: Talk to me. Are you all right?

QUENTIN: (ECHOING) It's gonna be fine. We're gonna be okay.

KADY: It's gonna be okay. QUENTIN: Julia?

KADY: Julia?

QUENTIN: Jules, stay with us. Come on.

KADY: Julia.

KADY: Hey.

Don't move around too much.

Sun patched you up, but it's gonna take a while.

Did she do it?

Did it work? Is it gone?

Yeah, she did it.

But, Julia,

there was a complication.

(SIGHS)

http://hiqve.com/