Original subtitles

Hi. I'm Katya.

I'm 43 years of age,

I'm a homosexual,

and I actually do not have any hair.

(upbeat music)

[Vic] Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

Oh my God. This is, like, almost erotic.

[Vic] They have no idea

who or what they're about to become.

Change the chair because I just shat.

(crew laughs)

- [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

Fucking love it.

[Vic] This is "Very Important People".

(Katya vocalizes)

[Crew Member] How are you doing here?

I'm doing fabulous.

Not a Louis Vuitton.

Could be Jimmy Choo, but I don't think.

(indistinct hiphop music)

Oh my fucking God!

(crew members laughing)

(wheezing) Oh my God.

(crew members laughing)

This is fucking crazy!

It's chic.

Holy shit.

Ow. Oh.

I feel beyond-this-planet beautiful.

It's not sexy George Washington,

which is what I was expecting.

Oh, the folds.

It's so gross.

Hi. I'm Nancy.

I'm from Venus,

and I'm here to eat, kill, and fuck your husbands.

Not necessarily in that order.

Oh.

Have you guys ever given any thought

to the kingdom of heaven?

(crew members laughing) (lively music)

I killed my sister with my car.

(crew members laughing)

(Katya chuckles)

(crew members laughing)

(uplifting orchestral music)

(Vic sighs)

(pen clicks)

(crew member coughs)

(whispers) Okay, okay, okay, okay.

We all have a story to tell,

and sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening.

I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of "Very Important People".

(door creaks open)

Oh.

- Hello! - Oh!

[Katya] Yep.

[Vic] Okay. Well, that's fun.

Maybe me too.

- Look at that. - The air's a little

thick in here.

- What do you mean, "air's a little thick in here?"

- Okay. - It's just a little...

Wow!

We don't wave at the crew.

- Oh. - [Vic] So, please,

introduce yourself.

I'm Linda Elizabeth Marie Braintree.

(dramatic music)

What a beautiful name.

- Thank you! - [Vic] And I heard

you're here today

to sort of share with us your new line of cosmetics.

That is correct.

- How did you get into the cosmetic business?

Well, it was really the brainchild of

- a lot of soul-searching. - Okay.

I was part of a think tank,

and we came up with a line of cosmetics that really address

the trials, the tribulations,

and the challenges of the modern woman.

- We spend a lot of time thinking about cosmetics here.

But what about in here?

- Here, and so when I saw your targeted ad on AOL,

I really went, "We need to talk to this person."

- AOL? Okay, dial-up.

- Okay. (chortles) - [Linda] I am so parched.

(ceramic clinging)

And cheers to that.

- Salud. - So, cheers.

Delicious.

You brought in some cosmetics today.

I surely did. (grunts)

- So we can go ahead and fly in that cosmetics table.

Roberto?

(mellow music)

Oh, are we peeing?

This?

- No. - [Vic] Okay.

I wish we would though.

You are so fun!

- I- - Oh!

Sorry to interrupt.

I just get very excited about things that I sell!

Okay. Wonderful.

Well, I can't wait to take a look at

some of these products here.

- So let's-

Safety first is what I say on set.

Here we go.

- [Linda] Here we go. - Here we go.

- Okay! - Okay, so when was

- the last time you had - Okay.

Penetrative intercourse?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You had it right.

Okay, so I'll do this.

Okay. What sign are you?

[Vic] I'm a Scorpio.

What sign do you feel like?

If I'm being honest, a Stop.

Love!

Okay.

- So in that case, I'm going to recommend-

Oh, so you sort of are

literally looking at me holistically as a person.

- Baby, I don't do piecemeal. I do wholesale.

- Well, that was a big part of your sales pitch too, right?

Is that you can't buy individual products.

You have to buy a hundred at a time.

Bundles!

Yeah. A bundle.

- Packages. - Packages.

- How familiar are you with drinking dog piss?

Not at all.

Baby.

Well, let's get into that.

[Vic] Sure.

(Linda sniffs)

Give that a good waft.

Okay.

Mhm. Yeah, that is, that's sort of, that's like pee.

Cat piss.

- Sure. - That was a trick.

- That was a trick. - And you sort of added

plastic beads to this.

A little bit of glitter gel.

You're selling this for people to drink?

- No. - Oh.

You put it on your hair for gymnastics.

- You put this on your hair for gymnastics?

You, uh (sighs)

- I don't have a gymnastics gel, so it's good to know.

- [Linda] Listen. - I'm sorry.

- [Linda] Listen. - I'm new to this.

Every day, we're born anew.

- I had an idea. Maybe I could be a spokesperson for you,

- if that's okay. - [Linda] Please, please,

- I kind of- - [Linda] please, please.

- Okay. - Maybe a spokesperson.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

(rubber squeaking)

Where'd my nipple go?

- If we could fly in another nipple, please?

No, no, no, we're good. We're good.

Sell me.

- Okay, so sort of how I would do that, maybe,

and I would, and because, you know,

on QVC, they sort of come in the middle.

So they would sort of go like this.

Hello. Do you do gymnastics?

I would love for you to buy this from me.

I need it and I need to feed my family,

and if you don't buy it,

we're in a little bit of trouble financially.

That was great.

Okay.

- First pass. Now I need it a little more succinct.

Gen Alpha, their attention span is about

- 0.35 seconds. - Sure, okay.

Cat piss, glitter, gymnastics. Do it!

- Whoa, oh my God. - Easy.

- I don't do gymnastics, I'm allergic to cats,

and I was like, "I want that."

- It doesn't matter. - [Vic] Can I buy it?

They're still hung up on the cat piss,

so they're like, "I want it."

Maybe I'll buy some of that.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah?

- Oh, yeah. - Okay.

- Yeah, I'll buy it. - Oh, yeah.

- I'll buy it. - There you go.

Maybe I'll buy that one.

Now, cosmetics are great,

but we need stuff that can not only sustain our image,

but sustain our physical bodies.

- Sure. - Let's clear out

that urinary tract.

Let's unblock that colon,

and what better way to do it with

this (squish) big chunk of-

Wow. That makes a noise.

(product squishing)

(Linda chewing)

And this is your product that you made?

- Oh, yeah. - [Vic] Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I-

It is so good.

[Vic] Yeah?

Okay, well, I'll try.

Sort of, so cheers.

(Linda retches) (Vic chews)

Do you feel it working?

Do you feel the antioxidants, riboflavin?

What is this?

- It's just cat shit with glitter gel on it.

- I'm noticing you have a lot of ingredients with cat piss.

(Vic indistinctly squeaks)

- Roberto, agua! - (wheezing) I need water.

- Listen, don't cry. (Vic coughs)

Don't cry.

(squeaky) Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - Oh.

(Linda retches)

Not for me.

- It seems like you are just taking sort of, like,

waste products of cats

and trying to market it as sort of wellness products.

Finally, you get it.

Listen, we put a man on the moon about 125 years ago.

I don't think that's right.

Why have we not figured out a way

to turn human, canine, and feline feces

into renewable energy sources?

- I mean, I suppose-

Can I ask what the name of this line is?

- Fe-Line.

- Yeah. - Okay.

So we specifically are taking animal byproducts,

- specifically cats. - Mostly cats.

[Vic] Mostly cats,

and we are trying to turn it into something for good.

- A holistic approach that works like a virus.

Have you ever had radiation?

- One time, I had an X-ray. I broke my arm.

You know that glow?

- Man, everything that you're saying is dangerous.

It's a sort of a general menace to society,

and the way that you are saying it to me

is kind of selling it, if I'm being honest.

And you just described

the two biggest draws of this line.

Dangerous.

- Dangerous. - Exciting.

Exciting.

- Non-FDA approved.

- Extremely carcinogenic to the human body.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay! Let's get personal.

Okay. I would love that.

I would love for you to close your eyes.

Okay.

And I'm gonna put this

(product squishes) tray of beauty juice

into your gorgeous hand.

Oh.

- [Linda] Now I want you to palpate the juice.

So slow, sensual circles counterclockwise.

Yeah, yeah, uh-huh.

Just two fingers. Just two.

Yes, circles, and then lift the fingers up.

Bring them just to the nose, but not touching.

Give it a good whiff.

(Vic inhales sharply)

Okay.

- Oh. - Now put the gel down.

(gel squishing)

Yep. Very graceful.

- Very- - [Vic] Am I doing it?

- You're perfect. - Is it on the table?

- [Linda] Yes. - [Vic] Okay.

[Linda] Okay, great.

Now, imagine that you are on the 405 in a very long skirt.

- Okay. - [Linda] Teeny tiny top.

- Sure. - Hair all frizzy.

- No product in it. - Okay.

[Linda] And you are struggling.

It is 150 degrees outside.

You got no shoes and you are at death's door.

You pass out, you roll down the hill,

filled with thorns and brush and dead animals,

and you fall into this ravine,

and, you know, it's so funny.

I forgot what the point of this story was.

I feel like, and this is maybe crazy,

'cause I tried this and I was like, "This is poop."

It tasted like poop, and then I was like, "oh my God."

Now I'm like, I feel kind of, like, better

and I feel smarter and I feel, like, stronger,

and I feel like

sort of like a more, like, accomplished version of myself.

- Do you also feel that maybe your femur is starting to

dissolve into the ligaments and bones

in the flesh of your leg?

I'm sorry?

That your large bony protuberances

are becoming a bit more porous.

They're softening.

- My heart is softening to the world around me.

- Feel the cerebellum detaching from the brain.

Exactly, I'm not thinking as hard,

and I'm sort of just, like, going with my heart.

- But, at the same time, that heart is stopping.

Punch through.

- This stuff, at the end of the day, you know,

it's really meant to solve everything.

How do you solve everything?

By letting go.

Yeah, by letting go of your old self

and using all of this to make yourself better,

and a better person takes your spot.

Yeah. By not being a person.

- Instead, you're just sort of like a heart and a mind.

And a husk.

A silent, beautiful blob of

liquified flesh on my coffee table.

You're a husk of your old self

and you're just, you're so malleable.

I don't wanna argue, Vic,

but I think the point that I'm trying to make so desperately

- that you're not hearing- - Sure.

- Is that this stuff is meant to kill human beings.

- I'm listening. In life, there's no way to get out alive.

You just gotta live hard

and you become the best version of yourself.

Book 'em, Danno.

I was hoping that maybe I could ask you

some rapid-fire questions.

Oh my God! Hold on.

Let me cross my legs and make sure my nipples are here!

(mellow music)

Oh dear.

Okay. Thank you so much.

- Oh my God. I made such a mess on your beautiful set.

- [Vic] No, no, you know what? - I'm so sorry.

Don't worry about that.

Honestly, I think the thing that I'm learning

is making people's jobs worthwhile,

and so if we make a mess,

it gives people something to clean.

- Small business owners. - Business, yes!

We're small business owners. I don't own this, but-

- Trickle-down economics.

Yes! Reagan?

Nancy.

Pelosi.

Huge, heavy Italian naturals.

- Okay. Some rapid-fire questions.

If you don't mind, please tell me a joke.

- What did the gay necrophiliac say about his ex-lover?

Pass.

That rotten asshole split on me again.

[Vic] Okay.

Okay. Wonderful.

- I have to apologize. It is so freezing in here.

I'm flinging sweat everywhere.

Oh, so it's sort of opposite for you?

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, I'm kind of feeling that.

I'm starting to think maybe it's the products.

Like, I'm feeling clearer up here

and my body's feeling kinda, like, wacky.

- Kinda like it's gonna shut down in about 45, 50 minutes?

- I would say sort of, like, my heart's beating fast.

Can you picture your body

kind of like a roast turkey on my coffee table?

I can.

- Next question. - Okay.

Have you ever been arrested?

Reese Witherspoon.

- [Vic] Okay. - Well, I arrested her.

[Vic] You were a police officer?

It was a citizen's arrest.

Oh, a citizen's arrest.

[Linda] Because I, listen.

Yes. Okay.

You may accuse me, correctly, of

using cosmetic products to kill human beings,

large quantities of human beings,

but what I will not tolerate here or on any other planet

is drunk driving.

Who's accusing you of

trying to kill a bunch of citizens here?

- We'll cross that bridge when we come to it,

but the point is you look great now and you feel wonderful.

- I know you're talking, but there's something about it.

I'm just like, whoa.

It's the hairstyle. I know.

I should never have got a perm.

- [Vic] It's pretty fun. - They're so 1992.

[Vic] Come on. Here we go.

What is something you would change about your appearance?

- Oh, I just wish my penis was at least six inches longer.

- How long is it now, if you don't mind my asking?

It's about a half an inch.

Okay. Wonderful.

So maybe that's something maybe that

maybe the cosmetics can help with that.

Vic.

- Okay. - It's makeup, not magic.

Right, that's my bad, and I apologize.

And I accept.

Okay. Thank you.

This is so fun!

You know, it's like we're having fun

and people don't have enough fun.

I wanna jump. I wanna hop.

- Roberto, is there a fucking mini tramp we can get in here?

- Yeah, Roberto, can we get a mini tramp in here?

I feel amazing!

- Let's go! - [Linda] Okay.

Here we go. Let's hop.

(Linda huffs)

Okay.

I'm gonna do a jump,

- if you can blur these. - [Linda] Yeah,

- take your shoes off. - Blur these. Blur these.

You know, blur these ones extra.

Okay. Ass or titties?

Nyeah!

Uh, titties.

Okay, whoa. What was your first job?

Your turn! Get on there!

Okay. Jesus Christ.

Pediatric oncologist. 16.

At 16, you were a pediatric oncologist?

Yeah, but then I became a bus boy.

That was more my speed.

Because we can do anything!

Ah!

Yeah!

Your products are changing the world.

We're gonna get it into everybody's hands.

We're sending everybody, everybody here on set home

- with goo. - Yeah.

- [Vic] What's that? - And before you know it,

you drop dead and no more problems.

Yeah. In a hundred years, you drop dead.

No more problems. Whoa! (electric beat plays)

What's that?

Okay. Whoa!

Oh, there we go. That's the spirit.

What's going on?

You're feeling it, right?

I feel like something's sort of, like,

taking over my body.

- [Linda] Oh, yeah. - [Vic] Okay.

- What's happening? - That's the juice!

Oh, that's the juice. Come on.

- Hey-oh! - What's happening?

- Don't fight it. - What's happening to me?!

[Linda] Slip into the pain!

It's a warm glove filled with petroleum jelly.

Okay. Whoa!

Whoa! No!

Okay. What's happening to me?

[Linda] You're dying, sweetie.

What do you mean I'm dying?

You're becoming a corpse.

[Vic] Like an ego death corpse?

No, no, like a real corpse.

We're bringing you to the morgue.

- This is what we want. - No, I'm not ready!

- I'm not ready! - Oh, yeah, come on.

I got so much left to do!

- Come on, you fucking-

- I'm Vic Michaelis, trying to (inaudible)!

[Linda] Jesus Christ!

Unless you'd rather be somebody else!

- I wanna do yourself! - Goodnight!

No!

- Holy fucking shit. Weren't those products beautiful?

But guess what? We've got one extra special bonus item.

A lovely, teeny-tiny, wet brain

that could go right inside your ugly head.

You've only got about 16 seconds

to take advantage of this wonderful offer.

See this wet, malleable, gorgeous little brain?

This could be inserted into your fucking head

and you will never know the difference.

Ooh. Ah.

Vic, this is going right in there.

(brain slaps)

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