Original subtitles

How do I look, guys?

Thanks.

Hi, I'm Bobby, and I'm the guy who hates jokes, but digs surfing and

dogs and drive -ins.

I'm going to Greece as a foreign exchange student, and I just wanted to

long to all my friends on campus.

You know me.

I'm the Mick Swartz.

I'm the leader of this little anthropological expedition.

Just kidding. But the guys did ask me to make all the important decisions while

we were over there.

I graciously accepted because I'm the only truly qualified leader.

Ready? It's okay?

It's all right?

Hi.

I'm Les Sherwood, and I live in Encino.

I'm going to Greece with Bobby and Mick, and I'm really looking forward to the

experience.

I got my trusty...

computer here and it's all nicely programmed with all kinds of information

our host country uh i'm also in charge of upholding an agreement that we made

anybody says a four -letter word has to pay the others a dollar on the spot so

all our buddies left back on campus fuck you

You must have seen Ben -Hur lately.

Welcome

to Greece,

guys.

Pardon me, we have a reservation.

Excuse me, do you speak English?

Of course he speaks English.

Everybody in this country speaks English.

English? Me?

Yeah. No.

I love

you.

Les, you do know how they separate the men from the boys here, don't you? How?

With a crowbar.

Bye. Bye.

All right, you guys.

Half a day is all we got in Athens.

We'll send some snapshots home, and they'll think we're doing serious work

we're cruising the island.

Let's do it.

Where the hell are we?

Lost. That's where.

Never fear.

Less is here.

Yes.

Yes.

What the hell did you say to him?

Oh, God, who messed with my computer?

What?

I don't understand.

Do you speak English?

Ah,

Acropolis.

It's the last one? Yeah. You sure? I'm sure. Okay, let's go.

Oh, my God.

This is totally awesome.

I've got to record my impressions of this place.

It's too much.

Hello! Oh, no.

Get us out of here, Ben.

Back!

I don't believe it. That old guy dropped dead the minute he got near you.

What'd you do?

Fart? It's not funny, Mick. I think they killed him. Why?

I don't know, but he was trying to tell me something when he died.

He spoke some weird language.

It's on this tape.

It doesn't make sense.

You mean it's all Greek to you?

Very funny.

No, it's not Greek.

Sounds similar, but definitely not Greek.

Let Mick listen. If it's gibberish, he can translate.

Hey, no ethnic jokes, okay?

It must be Russian.

KGB?

Yeah, it must be the KGB.

Come on, why?

Who else would kill a guy for a crummy tape?

Okay, I talked to the cultural attache. He said if we suspect foul play, it

might be better if we didn't go to the embassy in case we've been followed.

Anyway, he gave me his address.

He said he spent two years in Moscow and he can translate Russian.

They're after me.

Please, take this tape.

Don't tell anyone.

No one must know.

Or the KGB will find out.

Your life will be in grave danger.

No matter what happens, you must never listen to this tape.

If anything happens to me, take the tape to... to... Who?

Take the tape to who?

All I hear now is, oh, shit.

He's hit. The guy's hit.

You said the magic word. He owes a buck. It doesn't count. I was under stress.

It seems as though the old man bought the farm before he got to the juicy

I guess whatever name he was trying to say must be on that other tape.

Yeah, the one he didn't give me.

He didn't?

Nope. I suppose he meant to, but I got freaked and started running. And then

these two guys in suits ran up to him and started looking through his pocket.

Well, I'm no wizard, and I'm no secret agent.

But the thing seems to speak for itself.

You think it's KGB?

No. I think it's MTV.

Huh?

That's a joke, son.

Of course it's KGB.

Who else would kill a Russian for a tape?

That's what I told him, sir.

Well, the way I see it... And remember, I'm no wizard and I'm no secret agent.

I'm just a goddamn bullshit attache one week from retirement.

Some Russian secret was sneaked out of the country, and the KGB found out.

Maybe some fellow named Ovidov had something to do with it, maybe not.

But the KGB have been known to seal mouths as well as to make them talk.

But then there's nothing for you to be afraid of.

You guys don't have that other tape.

On the other hand, if you do have it, let me give you a little

piece of crap, otherwise known as advice.

Don't screw around with these clowns.

They play for keeps.

You bring me that other tape and I'll arrange.

for you boys to go home on a military plane.

Well, it's been a pleasure meeting with you boys. If you have my number, call.

If anything happens, if anything goes wrong, if you see anything suspicious,

if you happen to find that tape, call.

I wouldn't want you guys to meet with any ugly accidents in such a pretty

country. If we do meet with any, it won't be the KGB.

We need a CAB.

What's a CAB?

Cap, W. Get it? C -A -B.

Sure. Real funny, Nick.

Boy, are you lame sometimes.

The man said no matter what happens, don't listen to the tape.

Ah, famous last words.

I don't think he knew that they would kill him before he gave you the name.

Why do we even care?

I mean, we came here to be foreign exchange students, not spies.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Wait a minute.

You could just sit there like nothing happened and say, Well, a guy was just

shot for this tape.

Well, I'm just going to go with my plan because I'm here for the fun and the

women. You can say that, Bobby?

Sort of, yeah.

What do you think's on that tape? Jane Fonda's workout?

Look, let's talk about some important things like freedom, duty, country.

I wasn't born here, Mick.

So what?

If the Russians want that tape this badly, you know they'll use it against

country. That's bogus and totally fascist.

Les?

Yeah? Shut up.

Okay.

So, I'm asking you, Bobby. What ideals did you grow up with? What dreams?

Sports cars.

Insatiable blondes.

Come on, what's it going to be, creep?

Your duty to your country? Your duty to yourself as a free man?

Your total and unselfish sacrifice for the sake of probably millions of

people. Or just broad.

Tough one, Mick.

Come on, pal. What's it going to be?

The broad.

Me too.

Just checking.

What do we do with the tape? Give it to Boswell.

Dump it in the ocean.

Before we listen to it? After we listen to it, nerdo?

Yeah, but what if it's...

It's dangerous and blows our minds.

Not too worried.

You don't have a mind.

Okay, shoot.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Mick.

Hey, can you guys hear me?

As you listen to this tale, you must be as stunned as I was when I first came

across the ultimate, most potent hallucinogenic discovery in history.

It is, of course, nothing but a white modulated frequency.

I have been working on this since we last met in Oslo, but I am now afraid

my experiments must come to a swift end.

The other night I learned that my secret is no longer a secret.

I found a man in my apartment.

He was listening to the results of my discovery.

As you know, my friend, I am a non -violent man.

At the very thought of someone, anyone with the wrong intentions, getting his

hands on my invention, filled me with dread and panic.

I killed the man.

Killed the man.

Killed him with my own hands.

Yet it was unnecessary to become violent.

I simply changed the modulation of the frequency, then boosted the volume.

As much as I despise the KGB, I hated watching that man die.

This tape demonstrates only the bare minimums of what my frequency is capable

doing.

It stimulates the coalesce venatus, a relatively unknown area of the brain,

can create vivid hallucinations of religious magnitudes.

Encoded in music, it can produce spectacular images directly into the

Unfortunately, I learned too late that my invention can do more than bring joy.

Podnia Bershi can destroy the world.

which is allowing you to experience all this, my dear friend, may be harmless in

itself, but when joined with and modulated with a lower frequency, it is

instantly transformed into a weapon of global importance.

These frequencies, for example, if combined and beamed through a satellite,

could destroy the population of a large city in 30 seconds.

I separated the two frequencies.

I am sending this tape to you in the care of my loyal friend Yuri Kazanov,

is sacrificing his family and home.

I beg you to give him shelter and protection.

The second tape was sent with another volunteer and surely must have been

received by you already.

This tape is quite harmless.

Its counterpart is also safe by itself.

Don't let them have this tool of destruction, my friend.

Deny its existence.

and, if necessary, destroy it.

Wow.

I don't believe it.

Yeah, how about that earthquake?

That wasn't an earthquake. It was a nuclear explosion.

Oh, it was, and I saw it. So did I. You guys blind or what?

It was a tidal wave.

Big as a friggin' mountain.

Wait a minute.

What?

We all thought different things, right?

This stuff must be like dope.

Never the same for different people.

Yeah.

Yeah, like it works on your subconscious.

I don't know about you guys.

I'm scared.

Still want to give the tape to Boswell?

No way.

You still want to dump it in the ocean?

No. Too good to waste.

The only problem is we don't know where we're going. Yes, we do.

See, when I first heard the Russian on that tape, the only words that I could

make out were Blair, Fleming, and Mykonos.

Before we went to see Boswell, I edited the tape. So when he heard it... It

seemed like the old man got shot before he had a chance to tell me.

Now I'm going to erase the last remaining evidence.

Nobody but us will know.

Mwah!

Mwah!

Miga notes on our cruise schedule genius.

Yep.

I've got a burning itch to talk with a certain Blair.

Thank you.

45 minutes, you guys. No bus.

Let's take a cab.

I don't want to die young.

Don't be lame.

Not every cabbie in this country is insane.

But most of them must be.

You boys want to have some fun?

Who wants to know?

Me, Sally, and my friends over there.

What sort of fun?

We'll miss the booze. Quiet, Les.

Yeah, what sort of fun?

Lots of girl and you.

Anything goes.

Never on Sunday type of fun?

But it is Sunday.

Les, shut up.

Okay. How much?

First we'll give you a free sample.

Then we'll negotiate.

We'll take it.

Slow down, pal. Don't you think it's fair to ask our opinion?

Sure. What do you think?

Okay,

you guys.

Over there.

Two bucks.

Come on, Bobby. What is it? Unbelievable.

The biggest orgy I've ever seen.

You've never seen an orgy before.

Twenty bucks a head.

No clothes allowed in there.

Take them off. Put them in your locker.

Take the keys, and we'll meet you in the Grand Hall.

Walk straight ahead.

You can't miss it.

Come on, guys.

Do it.

That is, unless you've changed your minds.

All right, guys, let's go get him.

Jeez, you're already getting excited.

Cut it out. It's the tape.

Girls, we're ready.

Shit, it's a ripoff. Let's run.

One more word and you're dead.

It's not funny.

Going to a toga party, boys?

Mr. Boswell, we can explain this.

No need. I think I know already.

You were set up, boys.

Why? Obviously for that goddamn tape.

They searched your gear, found nothing, then dumped it.

You're lucky I was following you.

You mean they were KGB hookers?

Hookers? Come on.

No decent hooker would have left all your money in your clothes.

be sailing in a few minutes, and we hope that in the meantime, you're going to

enjoy the captain's welcome party, now in progress on the main deck.

It's always important to a guy to get laid his first night on a foreign

It's going to be a piece of cake.

I agree.

I'm going to go crack.

That's not what he meant by getting laid.

You need a female to do that.

See?

Take your pick.

They're all hungry.

How do you know?

Single women don't take cruises just to get seasick.

I don't care.

After what happened, I don't want to get laid.

Because you're a coward.

And a low -life scumbag.

You know, your attitude annoys me.

But I'll just attribute it to your collective unconscious, and I won't get

at you this time.

Good night.

Done with the bet.

I'm shooting for the mature and experienced.

They know all the tricks.

I'm easy.

I can teach a few tricks myself.

Let's do it.

I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.

Valley.

Oh, Will.

You and me had a little rain, remember?

First, I want my money's worth.

And then I want you to walk the deck in your underwear. Look, I can explain

everything. No need. Sex will do.

Let's have our little orgy right here, shall we?

Let's start with a kiss.

I hate to get laid without a kiss.

I am not a hooker, you stupid asshole.

It was a setup.

My boyfriend and I...

And he left me without a cent.

I needed the money to get on his goddamn boat.

When those girls offered me a job, I took it.

Am I supposed to believe this?

You'd better.

Look, they said that you guys were friends of their relatives.

That they were playing a joke. Nobody was supposed to get hurt.

I didn't know they were going to steal your gear and give it to those guys.

Guys?

What guy?

Give me a break.

They were waiting in a car.

It was dark.

I couldn't see. I just took my money and ran.

I'm sorry.

All right, I'll tell you what.

You buy me a drink, and we'll call it even.

All right?

You buy me a drink, and we'll call it even.

As I was saying, Miss Gold, the human exploitation theory has more than one

specific form.

Don't challenge me, Bruce.

I could give you a strong debate on that issue.

But as you see, there are certain aspects of human behavior which crave to

exploited. Excuse me, but what is the nature of your conversation?

Existentialism in the forms of human exploitation.

Sounds trivial to me. Does anybody want to talk about Indiana Jones?

Now, what did he write? Boy, are you lame.

This is not the children's deck, young man. If you want to play, you may go to

the deck below.

As a matter of fact, I would like to talk about Indiana Jones.

Shall we stroll, my dear?

Excuse me.

What do you know about collective unconscious?

Zip. What do you know about Indiana Jones?

Try me.

images directly into the mind.

Fix me a drink, make it a strong one. Hey, comrade, a drink, make

it a long one. My hands are shaking and my feet are numb.

My head is aching and the bars going round. And I'm so down

in this foreign town.

Tonight there's a band.

It ain't such a bad one. Play me a song, don't make it a sad one.

I can't even talk to these Russian girls.

They're very lousy and the food is worse and it's so damn

cold.

Yes, it's so damn cold.

I know it's hard to believe, but I haven't been one for a week.

Moonlight and vodka takes me away.

Midnight in Moscow is lunchtime.

Yes, Fiona, she's a serious business. Well, I've had enough of this

serious business.

That dancing girl is making eyes at me.

I'm sure she's working for the KGB in this parish.

Well, despite my relatively young age, I'm a verified expert in a lot of

different fields.

That's interesting.

Thank you.

Take karate, for instance. I'm a master.

Got more belts than I can even count.

I can kill a man with my bare hands.

See this hand?

It's a deadly weapon.

These fingers were trained for thousands of hours, driven in the hot sand, hard

pebbles, sharp rocks.

Even soaked them in pickle brine to make the skin as tough as leather.

Totally impervious to pain.

Nothing stops these hands once they're on a mission.

So, let's talk about you.

Well, I'm obviously older.

No belt, no trained fingers.

I make my living by solving people's problems.

I do a radio talk show.

People with problems call in, and I help them on the air.

You're a radio shrink.

i've been called worse sugar please

no spoon i'll get one oh no

need we've got the world's deadliest fingers right here they can do the job

This isn't uncomfortable, is it?

You kidding?

You really are tough.

Yep, that's me.

Except I do have to visit the little boy's room. Would you excuse me for a

moment? Sure.

I'm not decent.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry to disturb you. I have to make the bed now.

What are you doing?

I have to get the pillows.

Pillows?

Pillows? I hate pillows.

I can't stand pillows.

I like to sleep flat.

Good for the back.

All right.

I'll get the sheets.

Sheets? Oh, no need.

Blankets are fine.

Just blankets. Okay.

I'll get them for you.

They're in there, too?

Yes, sir.

I'll get them for you. I'll get them for you. No, I'll get them for you. I'll

get them. No, I'll get them for you. I'll get them for you. I'll get them for

you. Okay.

Did your breath do this evil deed?

Look, I just want to ask you one quick question, then I'm gone.

Don't interrupt, Einstein.

As I was trying to say, I'm having a very intellectual conversation with a

female of the species.

She mentioned something about astral projection and trans -channeling. You

what it means?

You're dead, Mick.

A little old, maybe, but definitely not dead.

I'm serious, Mick.

There's another body in the closet.

A nerd, yes.

But a necrophiliac?

Shame, shame, Lester. Are you insane?

The maid is dead.

This guy is also dead.

D -E -D.

Jeez. I leave you alone for 20 minutes and you wipe out two people.

I didn't do it. They were trying to kill me.

Somebody shot this guy through the window and then you came in and hit her

the back of the head when she had a pin behind her. She was going to stab me.

Well, the way I see it, if they're both dead, they can't hurt anybody, right?

Right. Now what?

Now I leave.

Go get Bobby. This is heavy.

Don't you guys think it's a bit much for one day?

I say it's too much. I mean, a man is killed, okay?

You can say accidents happen.

Then we get ripped off by hookers, who aren't even hookers, and Boswell runs to

the rescue.

Then two people die in our cabin.

This is too much.

It's not exactly what we had planned.

What do we do with them?

Call the captain.

Oh, yeah, that's simple. First thing in the morning, he'll deliver us to the

cops. Why?

We didn't do it.

Caesar's wife must not only be innocent, she must also appear innocent.

Follow me? I think it's that friggin' tape. Let's give it to them.

We can't, guys.

Come again?

I threw it in the ocean a while ago.

You stupid asshole.

Ass is legal. I can stay ass.

Why, Les?

Why? Why?

Don't worry.

I saved it all.

How?

I digitally encoded the whole frequency into my tape.

Now what?

When we get to the island, I'll call home, link the TRS up with my home

computer, and presto.

Everything goes into the memory bank.

That's brilliant.

Then the KGB will know that we don't have the tape.

And I'll kill it.

What do we do with this death?

We wait until everybody's asleep.

Then we dump them over the side.

In the meantime...

We mingle with a lot of people.

Right.

Mingle.

Mingle. Mingle, mingle.

I'm not exactly in the mood. Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

Besides, I'm not the type that takes no for an answer.

You're not?

Uh -uh.

Why me?

No other guys are available. Not under 60, anyway.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, but... I'd

love to dance.

Well,

it's really been great talking Apple with you, Les.

And I've always felt that Apple talk sure beats the hell out of Commodore.

I'm glad.

Me too.

Let's talk floppy disks tomorrow

Can

I

ask you something?

Another joke?

No, I'm serious I was just wondering, why'd you spend time with me tonight?

I mean, I don't know that much about existentialism.

Well, maybe I've had a little bit too much existentialism in my life and not

enough fun.

You had fun?

Yeah, I did.

Good night.

Aren't you going to ask me in for a nightcap?

No.

I think I've had enough excitement for one night.

Can we do it again sometime?

Positively.

I can handle rejection.

I've taken it before, and I can take it now.

I'm a man.

I don't have to put up with this.

I'm not going to stand here and beg like some pathetic, starving dog.

No way, pal!

Joanna!

I'm still here!

The door is an incredibly uncomfortable place to sleep, Mick. But if that's what

you want...

Sweet dream.

Good night.

So, you want to play, right? Who, me?

You're on, deadly finger.

I want you, and I want you now. I want it to be real fun. I want it to be

Take off your pants.

Hold it. I'm supposed to be doing this. Not anymore, deadly fingers. Women can

have their share of the fun now, too.

You'd better be good. No, wait.

I can explain.

Deliver now. Explain later.

Go ahead.

Make my day.

Now I know just how heavy death really is.

Shut up and pull.

Excuse me,

but is something wrong?

I'm afraid so, ma 'am. No.

I mean, no, ma 'am.

Nothing's wrong.

He's just kidding.

And I say, there is something wrong.

So I was trying to say, man, we've got big problems. We've been involved in the

shootout. KGB is after us, and two of their people were killed in our cabin.

What we're trying to do, now that everyone's asleep, drag these two stiffs

deck, dump them in the ocean.

Oh, that's very funny, young man. Are you a comedian?

As a matter of fact, I am. You might have seen me in Table for Five.

I played the table.

God damn, kids. Excuse me.

Submitted for your approval.

Three jerks from another country, another dimension, sailing into a sea of

mystery, carrying stiffs along the deck of a haunted ship. They're about to

enter the Twilight Zone.

Got a handful, huh?

Mr. Boswell.

Now that's what I call a surprise.

Well, actually, fellas, I knew you'd be in the company of wolves on this little

cruise, so I decided to play guardian angel.

My comrade's heavy.

Now, Mr.

Boswell, how did you know?

Well, shit, son.

The bullet that killed one of them had my name on it.

The other body is your work, I suppose.

So much for the cultural attaché crap, huh?

Listen, you guys hit the sack.

I'll take care of our two comrades.

It's nasty business, but somebody's got to do it.

Mr. Boswell, why don't we... We can't be seen on the ship together.

If they see us talking like this, I'm a dead man.

We'll meet when we get to the island.

I'll buy you breakfast. We'll talk then.

Yeah, but how will you... Don't worry.

I'll make contact with you. Now get going.

No tape.

That's a shame. All right.

At least we can enjoy our vacation now.

That's what I call optimism.

You think they're still going to try to kill us? Kill you? Nah.

A little mutilation, maybe, that's all.

At least until they discover the tape's gone.

Then they'll probably get angry.

So what do we do?

Play it by ear.

If you still have an ear left.

Thank you.

Okay, I did it. We're all set.

Are you sure?

Piece of cake.

This is serious.

We want to have a little talk with you.

It's all right, guys.

I can handle it.

But you better listen and listen good.

I'm a black belt.

My hands are trained weapons.

I don't want to hurt you guys, okay? Come on, Nick.

They're going to hurt us real bad.

So why don't you just turn around and start walking before I get real mad?

Show me how mad you can get, you little prick.

He said prick.

Make him pay us a buck.

I'm warning you.

I'm deaf on two feet.

Leave before I hurt you.

Because when I hurt someone, it's major damage.

You've got something that we want, and we want it now.

For the last time, I'm warning you.

Don't make me use force.

You're playing with live ammo here.

Of course, shit.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Unbelievable!

Fantastic! Don't exaggerate, guys. Piece of cake.

Thank you very much.

I figured out? No.

But you're going to tell us anyway, so go ahead.

Well, the tape can no longer be stolen, lost, or destroyed, right?

Right. You saved New York, so... So, since a frequency can be encoded on a

and since it can't be decoded, copied, or analyzed once it's hidden in the

music... You didn't.

Yep. You made a whole tape full of...

What strange is going on here?

You can now give me an orgasm without even touching me.

Yeah, I've been told that before.

How'd you like the little show?

You stole my tape.

Wrong, mon capitaine. In the first place, it's not your tape, it's ours. In

second place, I didn't steal it, I just borrowed it.

DRS is gone.

Missing. Gone.

My whole life is gone.

Jeez, what am I gonna do now?

I'm wiped out.

Devastated. I understand how you must feel.

Your computer was your friend.

One friend who never talked back, never argued, never said anything you didn't

want to hear, always listened to whatever you had to say.

You into psychology or something?

No, I'm into computers and nerds.

When we get on shore, you and I are going to take a long walk on the beach.

What do you mean you're not sure about yourself?

You know, maybe there's something wrong with me.

There's nothing at all wrong with you.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

I mean, I always had doubts about my, you know, the

way I am.

What way is that?

I don't know.

She said sometimes I think that maybe I'm gay or something.

Never in a million years.

How do you know?

I've been around.

If there's one thing you're definitely not, it's gay.

You're straight as they come.

Look, I'm going to tell you something, but I had a promise not to laugh.

Okay?

Promise.

I've never slept with a girl before.

There's always a first time, Lester

How do you feel?

Like Frankenstein.

But I like it.

Hi,

Steph. Seen Les?

Haven't you?

Nope. You know where he is?

Maybe.

Lester?

Les Sherwood?

What hit you?

Hurricane Stephanie.

This is unbelievable.

Like the change, huh?

It sucks.

What are you talking about?

You look awful.

You look like two zillion other blonde zombies from Malibu.

What happened to your distinctive personality?

Your sophisticated outlook.

Your own special Lester charisma.

Listen, jerk.

I've just about had it with all your abuse, and I'm not going to take it

anymore. You got it?

Sure, Les. It's cool.

Sorry, Mick.

Guess I'm not very good at this sort of stuff.

Good? You were great.

That's the only thing to deal with an asshole like me.

Here's a buck for the word.

way to the top where the view is really marvelous.

Have a blessed next

Oh, God.

So beautiful up here.

So peaceful.

Quiet.

Hey, you hear that?

Yeah.

Hey, I didn't know that they can bring people up here in choppers, too.

They don't.

I think I pissed my pants.

Is everybody okay?

What the hell happened up here?

The chopper was trying to run us down. They were shooting at us, too.

You seem all right.

Yeah, they're lousy shots, Mr. Boswell. Must definitely be Russian.

All right, everybody take cover.

Move it! Move it!

Move it, damn it!

Do me a favor, kid.

Get out of here. Fast.

They'll be back.

We can't leave you here.

You're sitting ducks.

Get out.

The police.

Don't get involved.

He needs to get to a hospital.

Horseshit.

I'm dying.

No hospital.

Give him the tape.

No matter what.

Take it where it belongs.

Oh, God.

Now this is getting real serious.

We can't leave him.

Dad, there's nothing we can do for him.

Get out of here.

We had to take a vote.

And? Well, we decided two against one that we believe your story and we're

to stick with you.

Who voted against?

Do you really want to know?

Yeah.

It was Stephanie.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. I understand.

I'll see you on the ship.

A gun?

I'm afraid I really did create Frankenstein's monster.

What are you talking about?

You.

What happened to you? You used to solve problems with your mind.

Oh, that was before a bunch of creeps came along and screwed up an ordinary

guy's dream vacation.

I'm not taking it anymore.

Oh, and you think this is the way to handle it?

Yes.

Things have changed.

Open your eyes, Wes.

Think.

Don't react like some hyper four -year -old in a candy store.

Now's the time to use that genius brain of yours.

Something's going on here, and you haven't put your finger on it yet.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you should do what Luke Skywalker did.

Who? Luke Skywalker.

Use your mind, Les.

Your mind.

anybody die before.

Ladies and gentlemen, I certainly see everything.

I am the miracle man.

I can tell.

for the memories.

Last night at the beach was just really wonderful.

Hey, you know what she told me, Nick? Huh?

She said, she said, you are 100 % male.

She did. Honest to God, that's what she said.

I'm losing my appetite.

Oh.

Stay for dessert, my dear.

Shut up.

That was terrific.

Are you sure about all this? Positive. I don't know enough yet, but I'm working

on it. What time is it?

A little after midnight.

All right. Make you connect with Joanna.

Bobby, stay with Sally.

I'll handle the rest.

tour will start as soon as we are safely docked.

Before going ashore, please make sure you have your landing tags and your

excursion ticket.

Buses are waiting at the end of the year.

Bus number four is for English -speaking passengers.

We remind you that all passengers must... Alright!

Yes. It's raining.

It's boring.

My love life is boring.

It's a... Mic is on.

I want to talk to you.

Listen, you like some fun?

What kind of fun?

Well, I have got a boat in the harbor.

A real big one.

You could go swimming.

Skinny dipping, huh?

Anything.

You like head shots?

Absolutely.

Take one more step, and you'll get the biggest one of your life.

Oh, God.

Don't follow us. Got it?

I'm becoming a fucking feminist.

Okay, okay, I owe you a buck.

Put it on my tab.

What's wrong, Stephanie?

I don't feel too well. I think I'm going to go lie down for a while.

Do you want us to wait for you?

Nah.

It's a small island. I'll catch up with you later.

Excuse me, do you know where Professor Blair's planning lives? Oh, yes, and if

you will stay, I'll see you when you arrive.

Thank you.

What do you want?

Does Professor Blair Fleming live here?

I have to see him.

Who are you?

Lester Sherwood, friend.

Is he in?

No.

Please, it's very important that I talk to him soon.

Wait here.

Go to the manta. Wait there.

Wait. Hold it. What's the manta?

It's terrific.

Remember Butch and Sundance?

Go for the horses.

Let's go to the motorcycle.

It's Miller time.

Oh, shit.

As if I didn't have enough on my mind, here comes Pepe Le Pew.

What you said sounds French. Are you American?

Yes.

I think you wanted to talk to me, Lester.

Who are you?

I'm Blair Fleming.

You came to see my father, didn't you?

Jesus. Yes, I did. I've got to talk to him.

You can't, Lester. He died two months ago.

But I thought that... I know. News travels slow in the Soviet Union.

Ovidov didn't know.

So you already... Yes.

You have something for me, don't you?

I did.

Not anymore.

KGB? And the CIA.

The whole world.

I had to put it in a safe place.

There isn't any safe place for what you have, Lester.

I heard the second tape.

I understand a lot of this.

My father always let me in on his secrets.

He was a pacifist.

An idealist.

So is Ovidoff.

Unfortunately, when men like them die, they are not replaced.

What about you?

I'm not sure.

Death scares me, and a thought of pain makes me sweat.

I don't know what I'd do if I had both taped.

You'd hold the world in your hands.

I don't like this world much. Why hold on to it?

This whole island is crawling with strange people.

I can't tell the good guys from the bad anymore.

Any ideas?

As long as you have the one tape and I have the other, I see no grave danger.

Why don't we keep it that way for a while?

You need any help?

All I can get.

You drive?

Like Bobby Allison.

By the way, my name's Linda.

Where's Stephanie?

We need to talk. I've got Stephanie.

You've got something I want. Let's trade.

Like you figured?

Yep. He wants to meet us at the old mine two miles north of Saru.

Stephanie? Says to empty your pockets and move slowly, or he'll shoot.

Okay, we don't have any weapons.

We'll do whatever he wants.

He says to raise your hands over your head.

You can come out now, Mr. Boswell.

Good guess, kid.

It wasn't a guess.

I suppose this is where the bad guy tells the good guys why he did it,

Wrong. The good guys already know.

The KGB was never involved in this thing.

Even the man that Ovadov killed in Moscow.

He wasn't KGB.

He was CIA.

Bravo, kid.

I'd clap, but my hands are sort of full.

And those guys who killed Yuri?

They were CIA, too.

You're getting warm.

No, I'll rephrase that.

You're sizzling.

Go on.

You left too many clues, Mr. Boswell.

Kids see a lot of spy movies.

The plot sucks.

They know real fast.

You figured it all out.

That's gratifying.

After all, you're nice kids.

I like you.

You're a likable guy yourself.

You never really killed anybody.

Those stiffs on the boat were all makeup and fake blood.

I admit I do have a flair for theatrics that must have scared the shit out of

you a couple of times.

But I hope you understand I was only trying to get both tapes without hurting

anybody. You stole Les' computer to pressure us into breaking.

That's why he got closer to Stephanie.

You even staged your own death to pressure us into giving you the

That's the only way you could get both tapes.

Excellent. The death stunt was too heavy.

We reversed the roles. Les put the pressure on Stephanie and followed her

John Tunoff's cabin.

That's when she told your head honcho she wanted out.

Oh, yeah.

My own trigger -happy John Tunoff.

What an asshole.

Look, I'll make a long story short, kid.

I'm too old a whore to believe that sex is fun.

I worked for the government all my life.

I've been shipped to some of the shittiest hellholes in the world.

I've shot some people. Some of them have shot me.

I had one stinking week to go before retirement.

Then I got this last assignment.

It was a chance for a solid bonus.

If I could convince the agency that we screwed up and lost the tape.

What the hell?

I could have sold the damn thing for big money.

Trust me, I still can.

Anybody else in your business would have used a lot of violence.

Why didn't you?

Let's just say that I'm a sucker for cute faces, kids.

Better yet, let's say that killing a Russian makes you a hero with the

But three dead American kids draw a lot of unnecessary attention.

Let's make this pleasant.

Where is Podnabeshe?

What? It's Russian for sky high.

Where is it?

Where it belongs.

With Professor Blair Fleming.

Nice work, kid.

Now all I need is the one missing detail, and you can have Stephanie, and

have the rest of the day off.

Ta -da.

The envelope, please.

All right.

It's the house by the windmills.

The one with the green shutters.

Take it easy, boys.

Just play it smart as you have so far, and nobody will get hurt.

I have to take the car, but ten miles on foot in this heat would kill me.

Don't look so grim.

Ça c 'est la vie.

Sorry, no more room.

You think it's going to work, genius?

It worked before when I zapped Boswell's man. The cassette inside the tape deck

is already running.

The frequency will hit Boswell in 30 seconds.

20, 19, 18, 17.

4,

3, 2, 1.

Zero. I won't let go.

Doesn't matter what you do.

I just need to have you by my side.

Mr. Boswell is about to retire permanently.

And with him, the world's greatest invention will also retire.

Yeah, what's left of it. What do you mean?

Linda helped me make a phone call to my home computer. I erased all the

information of the frequency.

Thank you.

Picture this.

A certain Mr.

Boswell, one week before retirement, gripping the wheel of an automobile,

careening off course into the Twilight Zone.

Would you mind if I decided to stick around for a little while?

How little?

Oh, not long.

A year, maybe.

I'm going to be real busy, you know.

I know.

I promise to behave.

No sexual demands.

As long as it's not more than three times a day.

Don't start cutting down on me already.

Your friend has a problem?

Nick? Nah.

He can handle it.

I'm not going to cry, you know.

Of course not.

It would be bad for your image.

Am I going to see you again?

No.

Why not?

Because you'll be in this dreadful place for another year. And when you come

back, you'll be too old for me.

Be serious.

I've got a husband who I love and a kid your age.

Three years old?

Three and a half.

Bye, kiddo.

Thanks for the education.

Hey, you didn't even talk about it with her, Les?

She wouldn't talk about it. She said there was nothing to say and just got on

the ship.

Well, you can't replace a warm female with a cold silicone ship.

Yeah, I know.

What the hell?

Once I quit, I figure I might as well quit for good.

If you say I couldn't make it back If you say it's too bad I

You bet you won't come back this time.

And I won't deal with yesterday's confusion

I'll leave you with your life