Original subtitles

Jay, Mark, I would like to discuss with you my vision for Mountains of the

Valley, the world's first upscale restaurant.

I'm confused, Trevor. I thought you owned the trademark to that name and you

would refuse to sell it to us. Yes, but in the end, Jay couldn't countenance the

alternative name that Tad settled upon, Boobs and Steaks.

So they asked me to let Tad have Mountains of the Valley, and here we

how did we come up with the menu, Jay? You got my name up with the lamb?

Yeah, I did. Tad, it's just... You know, the individual chops are kind of my

signature. Yeah, gotta be a rack, otherwise it won't make sense when the

ask if anyone would like to see their huge rack.

Well, it's hard to argue with that, Dad.

And what exactly are jalapeno knockers?

That's for Jay to figure out.

But they're on the menu.

Okay, we have to find a way to save Mahesh. We can't let our restaurant turn

into this.

Okay, guys, I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, this is hell. Who is that?

Nikki, the new barkeep.

She looks very qualified.

Are you talking about those strong muddling hands?

Yeah, I noticed that too.

Calluses for days, am I right? Oh yeah, no mint is safe.

What do you mean you're moving

out? I know this comes as a shock. When I moved to the basement, I considered it

a permanent and authentic decision. But what can I say?

My friends miss me.

Spare us, Isaac. You moved down here so you could run for ghost representative

as a basement dweller. Now you don't need us, so you're out of here.

Fine. Take your carpet and put it in your bag and shove it.

Well, this is emotional for all of us.

I, for one, will remember each and every one of you fondly.

I'm back!

Free of those freaks!

Oh, do you smell that?

I don't smell anything.

Precisely. Oh, it's good to be home.

Welcome back, Isaac.

Hey, uh, Tad, I just wanted to talk to you about something. Oh, I'm glad you're

here.

What if instead of small, medium, and large, we offered our drinks in a B cup,

cup, and D cup?

I think this guy might be a genius.

Tad, are you sure that this rebrand is the best thing for the business?

It's just Mahesh is very precious to Jay. I mean, he named it after his dad.

I named the main character after my dad in my classic noir film, Jimmy the

Deadbeat. He must have been very touched.

Sons of bitches. Sorry, sorry.

City Council is voting tomorrow to officially remove me from office.

Oh. I thought that already happened.

Effectively, yeah. It's just a formality.

But if the vote goes your way tomorrow, you could be mayor again?

Never gonna happen.

Councilman Gus Hayward, my nemesis, is the deciding vote, so unless he has a

miraculous change of heart, afraid you guys are stuck with me. I always wanted

to have a nemesis. Well, what about your friend who was sleeping with your wife

for all those years?

Oh, yeah. I guess I do have one.

Hang on. If Gus did change his mind and reinstate you, is that something you'd

be interested in?

Yeah, of course. Public service is my passion.

I just want to help people, make the world better. Hey, Tad, the tank tops

in, but they're not bedazzled like you wanted.

Seriously? I spent 20 minutes on the phone with that guy. I sent him multiple

sketches. Sorry, excuse me.

This is interesting.

Sam, it seems like if you can get Tad his mayorship back, he'll drop the whole

restaurant idea.

Whoa, let's just take a beat. What about Nikki?

She just got this job. Is anybody thinking about her?

I'm thinking about her. I'm thinking about her quite a bit. We got to talk to

this councilman, see if we can change his mind. Now, hold your horses. You

to flip a politician, you're going to need some leverage.

What do you mean?

I'm talking about dirt.

Who is this guy? What's he hiding?

Everybody has something they don't want someone to know.

Like my unpermitted deck.

I mean, I would have done just about anything to keep that from coming out.

Dares weren't even to code.

God forgive me. That makes a lot of sense, Joan.

I'm going to do some digging on this councilman, see if we can find anything

useful.

Like she doesn't care about Nicky at all.

Hartman.

Nick!

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I just can't seem to fall asleep.

Perhaps I'm out of practice sleeping lying down in the basement we sleep

standing up, like cattle or horses.

Also giraffes, which, as I understand them, are kind of like tall orange

donkeys. Look, I've got a big day tomorrow. The new People magazine is

and I'm hoping for a shower to make of her.

Wait, what happened to Momoa? Oh, hunks are over. It's all about hot rodent men

now. Hot rodent men.

Okay, good night.

God, this takes me back. Digging up dirt on a big wig. A politician with a dark

past.

Classic noir stuff.

This guy's a saint.

Councilman Gus Hayward.

Volunteers at church. Fundraisers for the Salvation Army. Foster's disabled

Boom! I got a parking ticket in 1996.

Is that anything?

Not exactly a dead hooker, but it's a start.

Happy blackmailing, everyone. How's it going?

We've got bupkis.

This guy's cleaner than Orson Welles played after a steak dinner at Musso's.

She has a way with words. I don't know what any of them mean, but I like how

says them.

Wait, is that the guy?

That's Gus?

Yeah, why?

Because I've seen him before.

And if we need dirt, oh boy, I got a whole truckload.

Enough to get the mayor his job back? And then some.

Oh, I got a second parking ticket.

A pattern emerges.

Just tell us, Pete, what do you have on Gus that would be so damning that he

would have to reinstate Tad as the mayor?

Well, I will tell you, right after a patented Martino drumroll.

I saw him in an orgy! Oh.

What? You remember months ago when we snuck into the Farnsby's media room to

move that bookshelf so that Thor could watch his son get married? We do have

fun. Yes, I remember. I jumped out the window and I ran home to cancel our

Evercreek water subscription.

Well, after you left, you'll recall Jay was stuck in the closet while your

friends who were renting the Farnsby's home put on a DVD of what they thought

was the movie Swingers. But it turned out to be a sex tape of people who

actually were swingers.

Bingo! A septuagenarian orgy, one of the stars of which was our friend Gus right

here. Oh.

Jake, Gus was in that amateur porn video you heard in the Farnsby's closet.

Oh, God.

That haunting knee -clicking, that was Gus's.

Click, a clack, a romp in the sack.

She can really tell some gibberish.

But, babe, none of this is good to us unless we can get some hard evidence. No

pun intended.

Yeah, my guy's not afraid to go blue.

Well, we better get that tape. Or we could accept.

that Mahesh had a good run and Nikki gets to keep her job, who are we to play

God?

So we'll get the tape. Yeah, we'll get the tape. Great.

Suddenly, Ward McAllister opens his mouth and vomits all over Alva

birthday cake.

Ooh, and that's when I realize the clams have turned.

Am I boring you?

I'm sorry, Hedy. I didn't get a wink last night.

I've been in the basement so long, I think I've grown habituated to their

unusual nocturnal customs.

Hmm. You've been institutionalized.

Excuse me? In 1876, my mother made an offhand comment admitting to feelings of

sexual longing. She was thus diagnosed with hysteria and whisked away to the

local asylum.

Naturally. Upon her return, 18 months later, she had grown accustomed to the

ways of the asylum, and it was now home where she felt a strange unease. Yeah.

That's exactly how I'm feeling.

So what did you do?

Well, we realized she needed to be weaned.

So for a time, we brought a taste of the asylum back to Woodstone.

To help Mother go to sleep, my sister Margaret and I would wail psychotically

outside her door.

Interesting. So you're saying I should bring some of the basement upstairs, at

least until I've weaned myself of their ways.

Indeed, exactly.

Genius. Thank you.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

It was a dangerous summer for Shelfish.

I'm surprised you wanted to borrow a DVD.

Don't y 'all have streaming over there? I'm more of a physical media guy. Me

too, though I got burned bad by Betamax. How did VHS win? It's a slightly

inferior platform.

There's so many to choose from, I think I'll just go with some of the classics.

Master and Commander, oh, Die Hard, whatever this is, and...

Sudden Death, starring Jean -Claude Van Damme. Uh, wait, that one's not actually

swingers. And Die Hard's not what he thinks it is either.

It's fine, whatever.

No, you really don't want to see that. Well, that's what they said about Batman

Forever, but guess what? I loved it. It's the Farnsby's having sex with a

of old people.

I can handle it.

What? Thank you, see you later.

So, how's married life?

He snores so loud.

Vikings.

Okay, Hedy, that's perfect.

Pete, don't be afraid to scoot right in there. All right, now, Sass, feel free

to relax that posture. We're looking for a nice, casual slouch. All right,

that's it.

What the hell's going on here?

Oh, well, Hedy helped me see that I had become institutionalized, so in order to

wean myself, I've decided to temporarily recreate the basement sleep experience

upstairs. Don't mind us. We'll just be standing here quietly watching you

Oh, it won't be quiet.

No, the subterranean sleep experience is a symphony of bodily noises.

What? Well, for example, Nancy died with pus blocking a majority of her nasal

canal, creating the most soothing nose whistle.

Hedy, I'm going to need you to recreate that.

Oh, unfortunately, cocaine obliterated my septum. The air blows through it like

a breeze through a mountain pass.

Okay, well, there's also a scent element. Did anyone die having recently

an onion?

Creepy jerk did, and that pungent aroma has become a bit of a security blanket.

You know, Isaac, these requests are a little more specific than I anticipated.

I kind of just thought it would be clumping.

So that's the note of the onion?

Okay, well, somebody has to be in charge of the bedtime stories, and the main

character's name has to be Isaac, because that is how the trunk would

it. I think I'm out.

What? No.

I thought this would be like funny weird, but now it's just kind of sad,

Okay, bye.

Seth, you can't leave.

Three is not a clump.

All right, Alberta, you're in.

Dream on, Isaac.

I wish I could.

I wish I could.

Oh, thank you for meeting with me, Councilman Hayward. Always happy to sit

a constituent.

Unfortunately, we've seen your happy face, and that's not it. Now, I'm in a

of a hurry. I'm volunteering at a soup kitchen this afternoon.

Well, what can I do for you?

Well, uh, sir, I'm a colleague of the soon -to -be former mayor's, and I would

like you to reconsider stripping him of his mayoral duties.

We have seen him strip people before, so you're not the only one who can do

wordplay. Look, it's a shame what happened with Tad.

But he violated the trust and faith of this community.

And unfortunately, my hands are tied.

Not even going to touch that one. Too easy. Okay, I'm going to cut right to

chase. Tad is turning my dream restaurant into an upscale restaurant

me invent jalapeno knockers. So I'm going to slide a DVD to you now

that will make you reconsider.

Oh, baby's first blackmail. What is this?

Swingers? Well, it's not the Vince Vaughn love letter to the Los Feliz of

90s. That is septuagenarian porn.

It's an orgy filmed at the Farnsby's.

Oh, no.

That got his attention quicker than Miss Farnsby walking in with a riding crop.

Look, I could get Tad his mayorship back, but that won't fix things.

There's someone else who wants Tad taken down, and she'll stop at nothing.

A mysterious femme fatale. The plot thickens. What are you talking about?

talking about the person who told me about Gate -Gate in the first place.

The whistleblower.

She's desperate to end Tad's political career, and she's got more dirt where

that came from.

Well, who is she? I can't tell you that.

And now that I have this, I don't have to.

And you won't be able to prove a thing.

Dude, I have copies.

Oh. Can I have those?

No.

Okay.

In that case, I'll tell you.

The whistleblower is Tad's wife.

The wife did it.

Classic twist.

But tell me more about this restaurant.

Is there a back room, and do you rent it out to large groups?

Okay, yes.

I was the one who turned Tad in for Gate -Gate.

You enjoying your food?

It's delicious.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, I'm a ghost. I thought you knew.

Worked at Pizza Barn back in 05, four restaurants ago.

Didn't you see the check bike in her back? What's delicious?

I was talking to you.

The betrayal.

The betrayal is delicious.

She is a big fan of betrayal, which, you know, keeps me on my toes.

So, circling back, why did you sabotage your own husband's political career?

I did it for our marriage.

After our daughter went to college, it was supposed to be our time.

We always said we'd sell the house, buy a boat, sail to the islands, but our

time never came.

Love your outfit.

You're clearly in a conversation.

Have some ghost -to -living etiquette.

After he sold the car dealership, then he ran for mayor.

I saw even less of him then.

So you took him down, but then instead of spending more time with you, he just

dove into a new project.

Exactly. He's never going to stop working.

It's a bit of a bummer, but you've got a feel for the broad.

Melanie.

Tad, what are you doing here?

I'm picking up my mooshu pork.

Jay recommended this place to me. Jay, you recommended this place to Tad and

suggested it to Melanie for our secret meeting?

Well, it's a great place, but they're not doing very well. I'm just trying to

support them. What's she talking about? Secret meeting.

Oh, I'm tired of this.

Tad? I'm the one who blew the whistle on Gate -Gate.

What?

How could you?

God, I miss you.

It's actually kind of sweet if you think about it. Who cares? You ruined my

political career.

I can't believe you'd do this to me.

So do we think that mooshy pork is up for grabs?

Jay. Well, I don't want it to go to waste.

Isaac! Shh, shh, shh. Back to sleep. Hey.

Isaac, you're back? Hey, everyone.

Isaac's back.

Oh, look who came crawling back, standing up. No, no, no, no, no. I am

I simply want to sleep with you.

Listening? No, I mean, I've been having trouble sleeping upstairs, so I thought

I would just come down here to get some shut -eye. Yeah, right.

I know what this is.

You miss us.

Oh. Yeah, right. What do I miss? Hmm?

Dirk's onion breath, Stewart's idiotic pontificating about wood, the warm, womb

-like security of the clump. Okay, fine. I miss you freaks. There, I said it.

Isaac, just because you don't live down here anymore doesn't mean you can't come

visit. Really?

Absolutely. We have an open -door policy down in the pit.

Mostly because someone nailed the door shut to make sure we died in here.

Yeah, you're always welcome.

Oh, there's that onion breath I've missed so much. Oh, what do you say? One

overnight for old time's sake, hmm?

Come on!

Clump up, buddy!

So,

I could be mayor again because Gus goes to senior sex parties?

I know you're processing a lot, but yes, that is pretty much the gist of it. Are

the parties just for seniors, or do young people just choose not to go? I

know. With our marriage falling apart, maybe it's better to just turn the page,

launch this restaurant. I mean, you nailed these jalapeno knockers.

Idea. What if they were served in a bra basket that the customer had to unclasp?

We were watching a once -in -a -generation talent.

And the clasp is an onion ring.

What a mind.

Uh, Tad, there's someone here to see you.

I came to apologize.

It's true, I've been unhappy, but I never should have blown the whistle on

-gate. In my defense, I had just polished off a box of white sin.

I should probably get along really well with that wine -a -lucia bowl.

Honestly, I'm not mad at you.

You were desperate, and it's true, I do love my work.

But I also love you.

So I'm not sure where that leaves us.

Well, here's a cake -and -eat -it -too suggestion.

He wants to work. She wants to spend more time together.

What if they took a page out of the Sam and Jay playbook and worked together?

What if there was a way that you could still be mayor and also spend more time

together by being like me and Jay?

What do you mean?

Castrapped? Inept at business?

Friendly? Maybe you could work together at the mayor's office.

Oh, I would love to work with Tad, but...

I don't know if I'm built for the world of politics.

I don't know. That was pretty manipulative and underhanded, the way

Tad's career.

That's true.

She could be your chief of staff.

Oh, uh, I already have one.

Not after you throw Jeremy under the bus for any residual gate gate fallout.

My God, that came to her easily.

I like it.

We're going to do great things together. We could even do some traveling like

you wanted, but on the city's dime.

You heard he's getting his job back five seconds ago, and he's already knee

-deep in new corruption.

Oh, no.

You probably won't have time to be the mayor and run a world -class

breadstaurant, though, huh?

That's true, but I don't want it happening without me.

I'm gonna have to pull the plug on Mountains of the Valley.

You can still put jalapeno knockers on the Mahesh menu, if you want.

Thank you. I will take that under serious consideration.

Thank you, guys, for everything.

We gotta go, but we'll write you from St.

Kitts, where we'll be on a catamaran.

Working tirelessly for the people of Ulster County.

And in the end, it all worked out. The girl got the guy, the guy got the job,

and I got to smell something called Mooshu Three Ways. Which, ironically,

the name of the move Gus was doing on that tape.

Well, it seems that Mayor Tad has somehow survived the Gate -Gate scandal

will not be stepping down anytime soon.

Oh, good news for Tad. Bad news for Jalapeno Knockers.

Yeah, sorry, Trevor.

This is a setback for the upscale restaurant industry as a whole.

But we have been through worse, and we will be back.

And in a surprising twist, Tad's return to office was aided by a longtime

political foe, Gus Hayward.

I caught up with the city councilman earlier today.

That's the thing about politics.

You never know when people are going to come together.

That language felt purposeful. I think you're probably reading into it. My

is you have to be flexible.

Sometimes you just have to reach across the aisle and give someone a hand.

Okay, well, there's no reading into that.

Okay, yeah, this guy's a freak.

He did that same wink on the tape. Oh, it haunts me.

And now let's turn it over to brand new Channel 5 weatherwoman, Nikki Snow.

A cold front is expected to move in over the next few days.

Wait, is that the bartender from Mountains of the Valley? Yes.

Glad she landed on her feet.

Can't keep that kind of talent down.