Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new hand who always will make us laugh and cry.

He's a family guy.

You read people? What a stupid magazine.

Snoopy, fit and fabulous at 75.

Ugh, Blake Lively just filed another suit in Prince Edward Island. How many

places is she gonna sue that guy?

You know, honestly, I still don't understand who Justin Baldoni is, where

came from, or where he's going.

Hey, he just appeared out of nowhere.

Are we sure he's not AI or something? Well, whoever he is, I hope Ryan

gives him a good bop on the beezer.

That's what I need, a Ryan Reynolds.

What are you talking about?

I'm a single, unwed baby.

I'm in the prime of my life right now, Bri.

I've got a steady allowance, I love to time travel, I'm potty trained, and here

I am, no ring on my finger.

Stewie, you are way too young to even be thinking about getting married. Where

is this coming from?

I just don't want to end up old and alone like Bill Clinton.

Hillary, I realize there's no attraction here, but could you at least not wear

my pants?

It's so nice to have the kids out of the house.

Yeah, I think the school's going to be locked down for a few more hours till

they get the shooter.

Oh, we should do these home date nights more often.

Or we could go to PetSmart and look at turtles.

Hey, can I get a bite of your single piece of wilting lettuce?

Perfect. This is why I asked you before I ordered.

Maybe it's the $2 wine that's mostly chemicals, but I have a crazy idea to

things up.

On three, you tell me one thing you've always wanted to do, and I'll tell you

one thing I've always wanted to do. I like that. I can count to three. Okay.

three.

One, two.

Crumble Pringles on pizza. I mean sex tape.

Okay, let's do it.

A lot more coughing and

sneezing than I remember.

And you're positive this isn't that tape that kills you if you watch it in seven

days? Pretty sure.

Is it parked?

Unfortunately, no.

We're just kind of in a lull. When you're on top of me, I can't move, and

you fall asleep.

I'm awake. I'm awake.

Oh, crap. I've got to put the bins out.

Do you have to do that now?

I'll be right back.

You can't put metal in there.

Why don't we just fast forward?

Sir, your trash cans have to be three inches apart. We've had this

They are three inches apart. I can prove it right now. I think we should fast

forward more.

We now return to the Banshees of Ed Sheeran. For every new song you release,

gonna cut off one of me fingers.

We'll break out those pinky shears, cause here comes me new track, Weak

Ginger Lover.

Brr, is it cold in here? Or maybe it's me, cause I brought the ice.

Stewie, I'm a busy man. If you've got something to say, just say it. I guess

could say I'm no longer a single lady. Get it? Like fiance?

Okay, what's going on?

Rupert asked me to marry him, and I said yes!

That's wonderful, Stewie!

Congrats. Boy, I can't believe my little brother got engaged before me.

Tick -tock, Chris, tick -tock. I don't think the ring got quite enough

attention.

Wow, that's a big rock.

Well, I asked for three carats or eight inches, and you don't get both.

Hi, Brian. Sorry about the mess. We're working on our invites.

Mr. Thrifty over here wants to use Evite. You're still doing this? Thought

would have moved on by now.

Moved on?

This is a lifetime commitment, Brian. Well, I saw your registry, and I'm not

buying you a $300 pasta maker.

That's all right. The fettuccine attachment is the only real need.

Rupert likes a heartier noodle if you catch my drift. I don't want to.

Oh, did you get to save the date card?

No, and I don't know why anyone is entertaining any of this. Oh, I get it.

is jealous.

We're going to hang out after I get married. First, once a month, then once

year, then once we have kids, never again.

If I ended a speech with live from New York, it's Saturday night. You'd get the

reference, right?

Should I say, live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live?

Is that more clear? Whatever this is for, you should not.

I'm working on my best man speech for Stewie's wedding.

Oh. Well, this is awkward. Um, Stewie asked me to be the best man.

What? He did?

Stewie wants you to be the ring bearer instead. He thinks it'll be very cute.

Honestly, I don't think so. You're not very charismatic.

But I'm his best friend.

Well, I guess not anymore.

How are you going to come up with a rousing best man speech? You can barely

or write.

It's not my fault the school replaced the English department with DoorDash

training. How many fries can you take before it becomes noticeable?

Nine. Good job, Chris.

And you read the delivery instructions?

Absolutely not.

Now, repeat after me.

This is how they gave it to me. This is how they gave it to me.

I have a delivery for Mr. Anderson.

Where's my bun?

This is how they gave it to me.

Last year's valedictory.

This is why you do it, people.

What's up with your face?

Don't be alarmed. I'm doing a series of peels before the wedding.

Trust me, it's going to look gorge the day of.

So, for theme, are you thinking Rustic or Regency?

No, no, my friend.

Nautical Cottagecore.

Together? But they're completely different. It's never been done.

You're crazy.

Crazy like a... Hey, bud, we're kind of in the middle of something.

Stewie, I was thinking, given the limited size of the venue...

We should really talk about not giving plus ones to guests without significant

others. How significant?

They should be dating for at least six months.

What if it's a friends with benefits situation that could eventually turn

real relationship?

You must have a minimum of three grid posts together at the time of the

No story.

Just grid. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here steering the ship,

Chris. Well, I'm off to Casey's to get waxed. This peach has fuzzed for too

long. Oh, Brian, before I forget... This is a photo of Sabrina Carpenter's

house. Sorry, that's a personal project.

Wait, this is just a list of wedding errands you want me to do. Isn't that

job as best man? I'm very busy picking out the signature cocktail. I was

thinking of a tropical -based drink with a literary twist.

I... I want to do that. Sorry, I already thought of L. Rum Hubbard, and we're

doing it. And I need you to pick up Stewie's fraternity brothers at the

Fraternity brothers?

Here's their flight info.

This is a video for how to break into someone's house with a link to Sabrina

Carpenter's address.

Oh, boy, my air shop settings have been all over the place lately.

Gotta see them night boobs.

I can't believe how awful our sex tape was. If I'm being honest, I guess I

really thought about how long Peeta's ass crack was.

Well, as an outside observer, it seems like it would be very long.

Making a sex tape is hard.

When we made ours, we had to recast Joe.

Turns out, we just needed a Joe Swanson type.

Hold for plane, hold for plane.

All right, Gatorade's down. Back on all fours in three, two, one.

I once made a naughty librarian porn.

I spanked a guy with a book, but I went too hard and I broke his anus.

A lot of people don't think there's bones down there, but they're there.

They're there.

I don't have many close female friendships.

So, how do you know the S -man?

Lambda Chi or Bank of America? As former frat guys, we all work at Bank of

America now.

You get 3 % back on all gasoline purchases with the Freedom Flex reward

Brian, where do you do your checking? I'm good with my bank.

And what the hell are you guys talking about? Stewie didn't go to college.

he didn't go to class. He'll tell you that much.

The Stew Man is a total legend.

One time, he took a dump that got stuck and clogged up the whole house. For a

year, I just went into a tailor -made golf bag.

He banged my dad as a goof.

He did what now? Oh, he's always banging dads.

Total prankster. You'd hate to be an unbanged dad around that guy. Total

The gang's all here.

I thought you couldn't leave the state.

Spirit Airlines never pressed charges.

Sorry, Brian. I need you to run more errands. Can you pick up some

for the bachelor party? They're all very phallus -shaped. So without being too

blunt, how many sexual aids can you hold at once?

How big are the sexual aids?

They're substantial.

Oh, Mr.

Bond.

We should have watched Paul Blatt.

Guaranteed zero sex scenes.

See? The bottoms of his feet aren't black.

Well, I guess he didn't have an awesome afternoon burying Star Wars figurines in

the garden.

I'm going to bed.

Well, I'm going to ignore this uncomfortable situation by checking the

in other cities.

Huh? It's going to be 35 in D .C.? Wow.

Forty in Denver, though.

Fresno and Baltimore are the same temp. You don't see that a lot.

No, you don't.

Finally, I get to have some fun.

Oh, you're not coming. Your job is to hold all our wallets and not give them

us, no matter how much we beg you.

Give it to me! I need my wallet! Please! I promised Valentina I'd pay for her

grad school!

Hey, weren't there three fraternity brothers?

Yeah, crazy RJ put fentanyl in the strip club pasta and Venkatesh died.

I need you to build a wooden funeral boat.

He beat cancer just to die like this.

Crazy man.

All right, let's get back to the strip club before they take our wings off the

table.

Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker. This just in, war rages on in the Middle East. And

this not quite in, local man Peter Griffin tries to pleasure his wife in

sex tape.

It was totally in. Peter, they have our sex tape.

How did this get out?

I got no idea.

I mean, I did put it on YouTube, because I thought that's where you put things

that are just for you. YouTube didn't even bother to censor the video,

classifying it as a nature documentary instead of pornography.

Hey, I don't want to be too forward, but are you just not going to donate to

Venkatesh's GoFundMe?

He had a sister, dude.

She's 42 and very wealthy, but we're still trying to support her.

No thanks.

Were you at least going to pay for your room at the Airbnb?

I didn't go to an Airbnb.

Well, we agreed to split it evenly.

You know, you and Stewie have been treating me like a service animal all

Um, is this about you eating $1 ,200 when no one showed up for the lavender

field experience?

You know, it was just me and the guide, and I had a lovely time. But no, this is

about me not being best man.

Yeah, because you're the ring bearer. We've been through this. Here.

What's this for?

You're going to have to tie the pillow around your waist, since Stewie wants

to be on all fours. The ribbon is adjustable.

I noticed you ate a lot of strip club pasta.

I had a normal amount.

Not really.

Venkatesh was talking about it before he died.

Okay, that's it. I'm done being humiliated. I am not coming to this

wedding. Okay, well, that's fine.

I regretted ordering the salmon anyway, so this way I can just eat your steak.

I also ordered the salmon. Get out of my house!

Why are we all pretending we want salmon?

I can't believe the big day is here already.

Everyone saying I'm next.

Maybe.

Can I ask you something? Do you think I say in my heart of hearts too many times

in my wedding vows? If I'm being honest, yes.

I'm still on the fence. Let's ask Brian. Where is he? I'm afraid Brian isn't

coming, Stewie. I'm sorry. He's kind of going through something right now.

I see.

I was hoping during hot, hot, hot he would get on stage and start the who's

call and response.

But I guess that's not in the cards.

You know, it's not that bad.

We're actually getting a lot of positive feedback on our sex tape. We got 1 ,000

thumbs up and over 100 thumbs in. The porn community is very creative.

Oh, and look, somebody named Chris Griff Official without a check mark posted

three water droplets.

Mayor West?

That's weird.

Hello? Hiya, Peter.

I'm calling from an iPhone 3 that only works for 15 minutes a day, so we may be

disconnected at any time.

Now, the whole town is in a tizzy over your cinematic co -mingling.

We'd like to honor you and the missus for your artistic contributions to the

form with the Nearby Adults Active in Creating Pornography Image Award.

What's he saying?

We're getting an NAACP Image Award for how cool our sex tape was.

We're still workshopping in that.

He did say that would happen.

Are you okay, Brian?

I notice you're flatter to the ground than physics allow.

Why didn't Stewie want me to be his best man?

I thought we were best friends.

I don't know, Brian, but what I do know is you're being really selfish.

I am? Between you and me, I don't even like Rupert. Awful person.

Just don't go into business with the guy is all I'm gonna say. But today isn't

about me.

Or you. It's about Stewie. After all, a baby only gets married once.

And I know if I end this speech with the right tone, you'll say, you know what?

You're right.

You know what?

You're right.

I'll go. Now, it's a silver -gold wedding, so I'd get chop -chop on a tux.

fair warning, all the local places are long out.

Well, then where am I gonna get a tux?

I'm seeing Mr. Tux does have one in Maine, but you gotta leave right now.

If any of you ever want to be in a choir, I can probably pull a few

I didn't pay you to make jokes.

Sorry to keep harping on it.

I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of pressure. That was very funny.

Why is there a chuppah? Um, Rupert?

Jewish? Hello?

You're trying to think if you ever said something in front of Rupert right now.

Yep. Where's the groom?

I hope everything's OK.

Is there going to be a shuttle back to the hotel?

I'm staying at the La Quinta near the airport.

Flights have to stop at 11 PM, so not too bad.

Stewie called off the wedding.

Someone needs to go talk to him.

On the Sabbath, he makes us travel.

Peter, this is so great. I think I can finally own my sexuality.

What does that mean?

I don't know. Madonna says it a lot. I think it's a good thing.

We're here today to give these fine folks the rod to the city. Tight fit

the city door, but if you work at it, it eventually gets looser.

Lois and Peter are not just heroes, but symbols of body positivity.

Their video shows all of us it's okay to have a knee brace on during times of

intimacy. That all of us, past our prime, no matter how repulsive we may be

look at, deserve to be seen naked.

Body positivity.

That's why people liked our video?

We salute you for not being ashamed of your shameful bodies.

I really enjoyed your video.

I'm using it to teach my residents about botched C -section scars.

Who did that, anyway? It's a hack job.

You did.

Oh, what a small world.

Usually, we have to show students photos of STDs to get them to sign the

abstinence contract, but this did the trick nicely.

Thank you.

Thank you for being on theme, unlike Mr. Octopus.

He dressed for tropical cocktail, way too many patterns.

Look, Stewie, getting cold feet is completely normal. As Ernest Hemingway

said... It was supposed to be you and me up there, man.

Huh? Do I have to spell it out for you?

Yeah, just don't spell the word walk.

I really don't have the bandwidth for that right now. Don't you see? I've been

waiting for you to propose to me for years.

You want me to marry you?

No, I want you to want to marry me.

Stewie, what do you think marriage even is?

It's a sleepover with your best friend that never ends.

It's being roommates for life and going on adventures.

But I guess you weren't ready for that.

Stewie, we already have that. But without it being legal, I feel like a

whore. Wait, if you wanted to marry me, why'd you get engaged to Rupert? The

whole thing was just a ruse to make you jealous.

Wait, none of it was real?

What about Venkatesh, Crazy RJ, and Ellis?

They were on Love Island last year. I can't believe you did all this.

For me.

Of course I did. You're my best friend, Bri.

Although I guess we'll never have our own happily ever after.

Stewie, will you marry me?

Oh my gosh, this is so unexpected.

Pat Benatar once said, love is a battlefield.

Pat was right, which I always knew in my heart of hearts.

But, Brian, in my heart of hearts... Too many!

I can't think of anyone else I'd rather grow old with. But like a good kind of

old, not ragged -looking because we didn't wear sunscreen.

Real talk, you've got to be better about that. But yes, Brian, yes, I will marry

you and make you the happiest dog on earth.

Since when can a dog and a baby not get a marriage license?

I can't even get an abortion.

Problem solved.

Thank you.

Are we done here?

Yes. We forgot about Chris.

I wound up marrying the librarian so we wouldn't lose our deposit.

She didn't know my age and wound up going to jail. I told everyone we did

They ended up making a whole movie about it. They portrayed her as the

aggressor. Anyway, my name is Chris Griffin, and I'm supposed to get a

NAACP Image Award next week.

I know everybody's happy for us, but I wish Pornhub wouldn't use the title

Beauty and Obese. You know what, Peter? I don't care.

Maybe we're not as young or hard as we used to be, but... There's no one I'd

rather spend my life sweating dark yellow stains into the mattress with.

You really mean that?

Yes. I love you, Peter.

Hang on. Let me go get my men's quadruple XL sex shirt. There's a

sunglasses on it, so you know it's for big dogs.

Just shut up and kiss me.

Oh, Peter.

Hold for plane. Hold for plane.

All right, Gatorade's down. Back on all fours.