All language subtitles for Cunk.And.Other.Humans.On.2019.S01E07.Jumbo.All.In.One.Edition.1080p.HDTV.H264-LiNKLE_track3_[eng]

This programme contains
very strong language.

2019 was the most tumultuous year to
hit calendars since records began
in 2018 -

a time of upheaval, conflict,
and a banana duct-taped to a wall.

This is its story, through the
mouths of those who saw it.

Standing here in
the English countryside,

it may not seem obvious,

but we are facing a man-made
disaster on a global scale.

David Attenborough did
a TV show about the environment

called Climate Change - The Facts,

which is irresponsible of him
because you can't change the facts.

That's what all the science people
in the programme kept saying.

Once you've crossed
the tipping point, that's it -

you've triggered
a catastrophic change.

It was basically a snuff movie
starring everyone on the planet,

all the animals and the ice

and the forests and the oceans -
everything.

All the way down to the ants,
probably.

They didn't actually show
what'll happen to the ants,

but they're the first to go in
a stampede situation,

so chances are they're fucked too.

2019 was scary in a lot of ways,
but I think the scariest part

of the year was when this girl
travelling through time

to the Davos summit to bring us
all a warning from the future.

I am here to say our house

is on fire.

It was like something from
a horror movie

except instead of riding a tricycle
around an abandoned hotel,

she was delivering
a terrifying prophecy,

and the twist was it's true.

People are suffering,
people are dying,

entire ecosystems are collapsing.

Normally I'd just ignore
the terrified pleading of a child,

but even I've noticed the weather's
been a bit weird this year,

like it's on shuffle mode.

One minute it was colder than ever,

and then it was wetter than ever,

then it was hotter than ever.

At one point,
the Amazon caught fire,

which must have been a real blow to
those people trying to chop it down.

The eyes of all future generations
are upon you,

and if you choose to fail us,
I say, we will never forgive you.

Whenever there's a kid asking
difficult questions,

it's important to ask,

what's her background? You know?

How can I discredit this?

And it turns out her mum
took part in Eurovision once.

# Can you keep a secret?
Can you keep a secret? #

So she's just part of
the Eurovision elite.

Even though everything Greta
Thunderberg said was depressing,

she got really popular,
like Radiohead.

And soon she was on tour,
hanging out on yachts

and meeting Hollywood stars.

And because she was making everybody
focus on this massive threat

to human civilisation, some people
got annoyed she was taking

attention away from more important
things, like themselves.

No, I think she needs to get
back to school and shut up.

Grown men taking the piss out of
a 16-year-old girl sounds cowardly,

but when you think about what
massive wankers it made them seem

to literally everyone, it's
an act of extreme heroism, in a way.

A bit like being
a first responder rushing selflessly

into the Twin Towers,

but the cunt's version of that.

They'll probably make a movie
about her life.

I don't know what
the overall story will be,

but because
she's a Swedish schoolgirl

that middle-aged men seem to hate,
it'll basically be the opposite

of the last 40 or so
Woody Allen films.

Here, schoolchildren across the UK
have been taking part

in a day of protests, calling
for action on climate change.

We have to do something
to save the planet.

ALL CHANT: This is what democracy
looks like!

It was a strange feeling,

seeing all these tiny children
marching to demand a future.

It filled me with despair,
but it also made me quite broody,

and now I can't wait to have
a frightened little baby.

The kids say all they want is
a future, which is fine,

but a few years ago, they said all
they wanted was a fidget spinner.

Make up your fucking minds.

It is one craze after another
with them.

They'll be into something
else in a few years,

like fighting for water
or something.

The kids weren't
the only ones protesting.

There were these Extinction
Rebel Lion people as well

who took over bits of London.

It's a good cause, but it did
look like the whitest carnival ever.

At one point,
they stopped people using the tube.

A lot of people said the protesters

shouldn't have targeted
public transport because

it's one of the most environmentally
friendly ways of travelling.

You're stopping an electric train.
It's electric.

But sometimes, in a protest,
it's important to do things that

make absolutely no fucking sense
and alienate everyone.

The thing with climate change is
it's hard to know what to think.

You've got half the world's
scientists saying one thing

and the other half completely
agreeing with them.

So it's all just their opinion.

If we all ate less meat,
that would help.

I'm fully vegan now,

apart from the odd bit of
cheese and chorizo.

And Bovril.

Hi. Morning, Martin. Hi, how are
you? Morning, everyone.

In the past, politicians had to
pretend to be nice

and friendly, like an eerie
neighbour who just wants to talk,

but now they've learnt
they don't have to be nice at all.

Some of them overdo it
and say things that are so awful,

it sort of backfires.

I think we should treat women
the same as men, and that means

if a woman is being a giant bitch,
I'm going

to be a giant dick back to her.
Any questions?

The news kept covering it in detail.
Everything about it was insane.

Some people on the left didn't
like having these provocative,

intolerant people around,
so they started lobbing milkshakes

over them to test whether they were
lactose intolerant too.

And usually, they filmed it as well.

I think, technically,
it's called a cream pie video.

There's a sort of middle ground
of unpleasantness that works well.

You have to say or do
something dodgy,

but not so dodgy no-one will defend
it, like a white bloke wearing

blackface in the dark, you know,
something that'll divide

and confuse people just enough
that they spend their time arguing

with each other rather
than with you.

Apparently, everyone's caught
polarisation, which is

this sort of brain disease where
you're angry all the time.

It spreads on the internet,
and there's no vaccine for it yet.

And even if there was,
I wouldn't take it,

because I don't believe in vaccines
any more, because of Facebook.

What do we want? Brexit!
When do we want it? Now!

It's all because of Brexit,
basically. It's torn people apart.

My mate Paul's finding it extra
hard, because he's bipolar,

and his upside is Remain,
but his downside is Leave.

He's barely on speaking terms with
himself most days,

which is quite an improvement,
actually.

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!
Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

I've got so used to hating
everything, I was eating

a biscuit the other day, and I
suddenly thought, fuck this biscuit!

You know? I don't want
a Bourbon cream.

Fuck you, you crunchy fucking
cream-filled prick!

Fuck off back to your biscuit tin!
And then I thought, what am I doing?

You know? What have I become?
Who do I think I am?

Who the fuck am I looking at?
Do I fucking want some?

And I kicked the shit out of myself,
right there in the kitchen,

really gave me what for, and it all
felt a bit better after that.

But Britain isn't the only
disunited country.

Since Donald Trump became
President in 2017 with no government

experience - something which is
still true today -

the USA has also been
at war with itself.

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!

Trump keeps doing
stuff like locking kids in cages

and telling people to go back to
where they came from,

which they can't anyway,
because he's building

a wall around the country to
stop them from escaping.

Donald Trump should be a hero
to a lot of people.

He's really moved the goalposts
on how incompetent you can be and

still keep your job.

I hope they now go and take a look
at the oranges,

the oranges of the...er,
investigation.

If he'd been in my office,
he'd have had at least one verbal

warning by now, and he might have
been asked to go on a course.

There was loads
and loads of coverage of it.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
announcing a formal

impeachment
inquiry of President Trump.

The President responding on Twitter,
calling it "more breaking

"news Witch Hunt garbage"
and "presidential harassment".

Anyway, now they're trying to
impeach him, which I think is

some sort of skin treatment to
make him the right colour again.

The last president who got impeached
was Bill Clinton, who had to

resign and was never seen
or heard of again,

but then Clinton's crimes were
unforgivable, like doing hand

and mouth stuff with a lady
who wasn't his wife.

I don't know what Trump's
accused of,

but I'd be amazed if he's ever done
something as bad as that.

Anyway, it's not just in Britain
and America -

everywhere on the planet's
totally polarised,

except for the North and South Pole,
and that's only because

penguins haven't got broadband,
so they're not on social media yet.

I'm calling you a liar right now.

Don't get me wrong - all this
constant modern hate is good fun,

but it's knackering after a while.

All my frowning muscles are worn out
and my throat's raw from shouting.

Some mornings,
I can barely shake a fist.

I think what I need is
a bit of a break,

maybe tone it down for a weekend,

spend it just
slightly resenting things.

I need to recharge my batteries,
because in 2020,

I'm hoping to hate the fucking shit
out of everything that moves.

Throughout 2019, entertainment
helped provide

a little respite from our
troubled world.

One of my favourite movie
moments of 2019

was when they remade the Lion King,

because they got rid of those stupid
cartoon drawings everybody

hated so much in the first one and
did it properly, using real lions.

It was really impressive.
If you think about how long it takes

to do a David Attenborough,

where the cameraman has to
hide in a bush for two years just to

film a chinchilla having a shit,

to have to wait until the lions were

doing the exact same thing
as the cartoon lions,

in the original,

like, a shot for shot remake,

must have taken forever.

I mean, the chances of getting even
one shot are remote.

Some people said it wasn't very good

because they couldn't tell one lion
from another...

..which is sort of
lion racism, really.

And they
complained the real lions

weren't as expressive
as the cartoon lions.

But that's not
real lions' fault.

For one thing,
they've never been to acting school.

They're just not given
those opportunities,

and, for another thing,
that's just how lions' faces work.

They don't have emotion muscles.
And, anyway,

they made up for it with
all their lovely singing.

# Hakuna matata
Hakuna, matata, hakuna, matata... #

The thing is, it looked like actual
footage but apparently

they did a lot of it with CGI, which
is an even more amazing achievement.

I don't envy whoever had
to squeeze all the real lions

into those bright green leotards
with ping-pong balls all over them.

All the animals in it
look totally real,

except they don't have bumholes,

so when they eat food,
they can't get it out afterwards.

They must just keep swelling
and swelling until they burst,

all up the walls of that computer
universe they're in.

The good thing is now we've got
backup copies of all these animals,

so when the environment goes to shit

and all the real ones die,
we can still go to the zoo in VR.

Literally, the only difference
is going to be the bumholes.

And I can live with that.

Quintin Cappuccino made a new
version of that film he does.

It was called
"ONSE Upon a Time in Hollywood."

It was based around
the Manson killings

which was this
genuine tragedy in America

where a load of people were murdered
by these mad hippies on LSD.

And it explored
that by concentrating on two blokes

who weren't there and didn't exist.

One of the murder victims
was Sharon Tate.

It really brought her life
back to life.

Like, you saw how she might have
gone shopping, or sort

of walked about, or lived next door
to these two more interesting men.

Before the film, I didn't know
anything about Sharon Tate,

but afterwards,
I knew even less, which is good

because it means it kept
a respectful distance.

You know, leave Sharon Tate alone.

She's dead, except in this,
where she's still alive,

just standing around looking
pretty in the background,

not really saying much.

Which is what she would have wanted.

Well, it might be. We'll never know.

So it might as well be what
she would have wanted.

I mean, at least
she's still working.

Some people got upset because Sharon
Tate doesn't get much dialogue.

But there's others
who have a worse time.

Like, even though the whole thing
was Charles Manson's idea,

he's totally overlooked.

He's in one scene
and he has about two lines,

so he's the real victim here!

WILD CACKLING

There was this sort of film
thing called Joker.

It was like a dark origin
story about the actual

joker off of playing cards.

That's the one card no-one wants.

No-one even plays with it, which is

probably why he felt all left behind
and angry. So, in many ways,

it was like a sort of dark reboot
of Play Your Cards Right,

but with Robert De Niro
instead of Bruce Forsyth.

It's actually set about
40 years ago,

before superhero movies
were popular,

which is why no-one in it
has heard of the Joker yet.

It's quite controversial.

Like, Joaquin Phoenix is totally
appropriating clown culture in it.

There's whole scenes where
he's in whiteface.

I mean, I know it was a different
time when they shot it,

in 1981, but he must be mortified
it's resurfaced now.

He'll probably never get cast
in anything ever again.

TV HOST: The film contains "brutal
violence and overall bad vibes".

Even though it's a sort of
superhero film with a clown in it,

it's not for kids.

I mean, if I wanted my kids to watch
one man's painful descent

into total grinding despair,

I'd still be living at home.

Just before the film came out,
the news in America was

full of these concerned reports read
out by frowning, handsome

people, going on and on about how it
might inspire a massacre.

A bit like they secretly wanted
that to happen.

Tonight, amid concern that the new
Joker movie could be

used as an excuse
for a mass shooting...

To be fair, in America, you don't

have to go to the movies to see
a mass shooting anyway.

You can just look out the window
or go to a shopping mall

or a school or a church or a
restaurant or to your own workplace,

or a nightclub, or an ice rink.

Actually, have they done one
in a ice rink yet?

You could just keep me
saying that in, anyway...

..because they will have by the time
this goes out.

The convicted sex offender
Jeffrey Epstein - once a friend

of presidents and British
royalty - is found dead

in his prison cell in New York.

Jeffrey Epstein was this
billionaire, who was into sex with

trafficked underage girls,
and he had lots of powerful

friends like Donald Trump

and Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew.
MASTERMIND THEME PLAYS

Anyway, this year, Epstein died

in a freak necktie accident

while one of his prison guards was
blinking for too long.

And his friendship with Prince
Andrew was on everyone's mind again,

so Andrew figured he should
go on TV and just draw

a line under the whole thing

with a great big highlighter pen.

It was like this one-off episode
of Mastermind, where his specialist

subject was a dead paedophile,
and even though he knew loads about

the bloke, everyone seemed to think
he got a lot of the answers wrong.

You've been on his private plane?
Yes.

You've been to stay on his private
island? Yes.

You've stayed at his home
in Palm Beach? Yes.

BEEPING

It was a really clever format.

He had to think up hilarious alibis,
and Emily Maitlis had to

just try not to piss herself
or stand up and lamp him.

I was at home,
I was with the children,

I had taken Beatrice
to a PizzaExpress in Woking.

One of his alibis was that he had

been in a PizzaExpress in Woking
at the time,

which is fair enough, because I'm
sure that would be extremely

memorable to him. Maybe he had some
vouchers that were about to expire

that day. Although for it to be
really convincing,

he'd probably need to show us
some proof like the little menu

he coloured in
while he was there or something.

She described dancing with you...
No. ..and you profusely sweating

and that she went on to have
a bath, possibly...

There's a slight problem with
the sweating,

because I have a peculiar
medical condition,

which is that I don't sweat.

He said he wasn't
capable of sweating because he had

overdosed on adrenaline
when he had been shot at in a war.

A doctor said that wasn't possible.

But they don't know everything
about how the human body works.

I mean doctors still believe
in vaccines, and those have been

pretty thoroughly debunked by this

WhatsApp parents group I'm in.

Anyway, when the quiz was over,

he announced that he was
stepping down from public duties.

I mean, it's hard to even
conceive of a world without

Prince Andrew's contribution to it.

That's Britain fucked now.

The worst thing is, now we'll have
to hold a state funeral for

Prince Andrew's reputation.

And how much is that going to cost?

Incredibly, Prince Andrew's
interview was only the second most

catastrophic TV meltdown of the year
after Emmy-winning drama Chernobyl.

There was this show about a place
called "Cherno-ball",

about the sort of Russian factory
that went bang.

I don't know what they made there,

but I think it was bread because
they were all dressed like bakers

in a sort of big kitchen, worrying
about the dials on their big mixer.

You could see they were ashamed
that they had messed things up

so much because they kept really
blushing like they'd seen

what a mess they made and just gone
totally red with embarrassment.

To be fair, they probably didn't
know how the machines in the factory

were supposed to work
because all the manuals were printed

in Russian, which no-one can read.

When the main bread machine
bit blew up,

it sent all this flour into the air
and loads of people who got

exposed to it had a wheat allergy,
so they got bad tummies...

..and came out in a sort
of nasty rash.

WAILING

It was a real scandal.

I hope Hovis were watching so this
kind of thing never happens again.

The whole area went radioactive.

And the scary thing about
radioactivity is

it's dangerous
even though you can't see it.

Like when a paedophile
hides under a table.

First, the explosion makes all
the colour bleed out of the sky

so everything is grim
and depressing.

Then there's Trevor off EastEnders
stomping around with

his bits all hanging out.

It was like, "All right, mate,
this is about a nuclear accident

"but does it have to be
such a downer?"

GUNSHOT

It turned into a zombie movie,
but they were the worst zombies

I've ever seen. They just kept lying
down and sort of crying.

Agh.

They didn't even bite each other.

What was clever was it explained
exactly how a nuclear reactor works.

With an RBMK reactor of the type
used at Chernobyl, there is

something called a positive
void coefficient.

Which is, it sort of has particles
in it and atoms

and they sort of rub together.

And then all the power comes out,

but if you turn the dial up too
much, everything explodes.

And I couldn't have told you
any of that before.

Throughout 2019, British politics
was in flux, with old certainties

getting shat through a bin-bag
left, right and centre.

At the start of 2019, there was this
sort of Theresa May woman,

who'd been Prime Minister by mistake
for almost three years.

Some people thought Theresa May
looked awkward in her own skin,

but I'm not convinced
it was her own skin.

She had this sort of habit
of going...

..with her mouth, like a fish
that had just got hooked

on a political problem.

Even when she was smiling, you could
see her face start thinking,

"I'm not sure about this,"
and then she'd start...

Like...all over the shop.

Anyway, her biggest problem was
she'd set herself the job of

delivering some sort of Brexit deal,

but no-one could agree
on what that was.

In fact, the only thing anyone
did agree on

was that she was
making the disagreements worse.

CHANTING: What do we want? Brexit!

When do we want it? Now!

Let's get out.

Let's have Brexit!

Leavers kept saying Brexit was
the will of the people.

What I believe we must do is
deliver on the will of the people.

And the 48% who had voted Remain
weren't happy about that,

because they were people too.

But in a referendum,
the side that wins gets to decide

which way everyone else had really
wanted to vote in the first place,

and then add that to their score.

So once you factor that in, the
result goes from 52% to 100% Leave,

which is why
it's the will of the people.

And you can't argue with that.

Or even secretly disagree with it,

because it's your own will.

Anyway, the MPs kept trying to do
Brexit again, and again,

and they couldn't quite shunt it
through the voting...hole,

or whatever it is they use.

MPs have rejected Theresa May's
withdrawal agreement

for a third time, throwing
the UK's Brexit strategy

into further confusion.

While all this was going on,

Corbyn still didn't know
how he felt about Brexit.

It was really difficult for him.

Even harder than trying to work out
what anti-Semitism is.

So he decided to appeal to Leavers
and Remainers by not saying anything

that might inspire either of them.

And when you're trying to unite
opposing sides like that,

the last thing you need is a bunch
of fucking centrists in your party,

getting in the way.

Some of his followers told them
to fuck off and join the Tories.

So they did -

the obedient bastards.

Suddenly there was this group
called Change "uck",

who altered the face of British
politics for an entire afternoon.

By April, the whole thing
was in total shitlock.

So we had to hold
a European elections.

That's when Nigel Farage
invented the Brexit Party.

It's one of those no-nonsense
names that does what it says

on the tin - like that pile cream
called AnuSol.

Although that comes in a tube,
not a tin...

..I expect.

When the votes were counted,
the Tories hadn't done great,

so Theresa had to Article 50
the shit out of herself.

She said she was going to quit,

and did a bye-bye speech where her
voice went a bit wobbly at the end.

To have had the opportunity...
to serve the country I love.

I felt a bit sorry for her,

because it shows she really was
capable of regular human emotions,

like self-pity and resentment.

Once Theresa May had gone, they had
a race to be the new Prime Minister

among all these young hopefuls
like Michael Glove,

and the first baby
to be Home Secretary,

and this sort of teeth bloke,
who looked like a cross

between Eddie Redmayne
and the Child Catcher.

But the frontrunner
was always Boris Johnson.

When you see him on the news
with his hair and his face,

looking like an overstuffed
scarecrow that's fallen in a trough

of pink-flavoured Angel Delight,
you think,

"Hang on, I'm going to absolutely
piss myself here."

Like a cartoon's just come on.

But instead of telling jokes,

he just sort of makes
posh buffering noises.

I'm cautiously optimistic.

How-how-how-what...
Is that a good enough, erm...?

Anyway, Boris won, so he had to
become Mayor of Britain for a bit.

The thing is,
the elite establishment

still kept trying to stop Brexit.

But, luckily, now there were
these everyday, underdog,

honest men of the soil like Jacob
Rees-Mogg ready to take them on.

Boris had this genius bloke working
for him, Dominic Cumberbatch.

He used to work on the Leave
campaign, and they made

a film about it where he was
played by his brother, Sherlock.

It really brought home
just how clever and bald he was.

Because he seemed
so clever in the film,

everyone assumed
he was clever in real life

and that everything he did was
part of a clever strategy.

Even if he blew off into his hand
and smelt it -

not that he did that,
but if he had

it would've been
for a clever reason.

Anyway, Boris kept trying to
make Brexit happen,

but he couldn't manage it either,
even after he'd tricked the Queen

into turning Parliament
off and on again.

So he gave this speech saying
he didn't want an election...

I don't want an election. ..and that
no-one wanted an election.

You don't want an election.

And then he asked for an election.

As if that was going to work!

Tonight at ten, we're at
Westminster, where MPs have approved

the first December general election
since 1923.

They hailed it as the election
of a lifetime -

a couple of years after
the other one they called

an election of a lifetime.

Which means they're probably not
talking about a human lifetime,

but a mealworm or
something like that,

which is stupid because everyone
knows mealworms can't vote.

They can't hold a pencil.

Early on, Corbyn and Johnson had
to go on this sort of game show

where Boris had to mention
Brexit as often as possible,

and Jeremy had to pretend
he hadn't heard him.

Neither of them looked very
statesman-like.

Corbyn had these off-putting
glasses, and Johnson was like

a failed reboot of the Honey Monster
making a court appearance.

It was like a Mock The Week special
where they kept getting laughs

with their material,
but by accident.

Does the truth matter in
this election?

I think it does. And I think...

LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE
..and I think it very important.

While the debate was on, the Tories
changed their Twitter name

to "factcheckUK", so they looked
like an independent

fact-checking service.

They got shit for that
but, to be fair,

it only fooled everyone who saw it.

The Tories had this simple slogan
they kept saying over

and over again...

Get Brexit done.

Get Brexit done.

Get Brexit done!

..which meant you knew who
to vote for if you wanted

to get Brexit gone.

People said Jeremy Corbyn's Brexit
position was hard to understand,

just cos it couldn't be summed up
in a snappy sound bite

or a short book.

But it was really simple.

He said he'd negotiate a new deal
then put that to the public

in a referendum,
which he'd be neutral about.

Then he'd subtract the deal
you've first thought of,

fold the result in half

and multiply it by the Jews.

What's the problem?

There were lots of people
talking about tactical voting.

To vote tactically, you had to
ignore who you wanted to vote for

and instead vote Lib Dem, which
is short for the Liberal Dems.

They're this sort of middle
filler party that used to be run by

the world's oldest Doctor Who,
Winch Cable, until

he regenerated into this Girl Guide
leader called Jo from Swindon.

The Tories had the right-wing
press on their side,

but Jeremy Corbyn had Momentum
behind him,

which was ironic.

Then the Chief Rabbi said the
Labour Party had a serious problem

with anti-cementism, and
the next day Corbyn was interviewed

by Andrew Neil, and he didn't
say sorry once.

Or twice.

Or at all.

Boris Johnson was supposed to be
interviewed too,

but when he saw what Andrew Neil
had done to Corbyn,

he must've shat his own
arse up his back,

because suddenly he was too busy
doing other things.

Boris avoided everyone.

He dodged Jeremy Vine in
the big Channel 4 weather chat,

and when Good Morning Britain
asked him to speak to Piers Morgan,

he was so desperate to get away
he hid in a big fridge...

He's been taken inside,
into the freezer.

You've gone into the fridge.
Excuse me.

..which is the most relatable
thing he's ever done.

To be fair, he was being furiously
held to account by the press -

you only had to glance at
the front pages to see that.

And he was brave enough to
appear on This Morning, which is

a notoriously hostile environment.

For Amanda Holden.

One morning, a reporter tracked
Boris down and asked him

to look at this shocking photo of
a boy sleeping on a hospital floor.

But when confronted with this image
by an ITV reporter today,

the Prime Minister at first refused
to even look at it.

It's not fair to expect Boris to
focus on an interview with

a suffering child directly in
his field of vision.

He might be overcome with emotion
and just start laughing.

So he did the decent thing and
nicked the reporter's phone.

Anyway, in the last few days
the polls tightened,

and Labour and the Tories were
neck and neck.

Apart from the huge gap
between them.

Boris Johnson leads the
Conservatives to a resounding

election victory.

When the result came in,
it was a landslide.

The Tories won seats in places
they'd never even heard of

and probably hadn't even stood in.

It was clear everyone
in Great Britain had voted Tory -

unless you count Scotland,

which we probably won't have to
much longer.

People said Corbyn couldn't win
an election if he tried,

which wasn't completely fair,

because it turned out he couldn't
win two elections if he tried.

I will not lead the party in any
future general election campaign.

Corbyn said he'll step down
next year.

He'll probably go back
to his allotment,

and alienate some sprouts.

Then Boris stood outside his palace
and said he wanted

everyone in Britain to forget their
differences and come together -

be they Leaver or Remainer,

letterbox or bumboy.

I urge everyone to find closure
and to let the healing begin.

It's a lot of power for someone like
him, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

He'll probably look after us

like we were his own children.