Original subtitles

Welcome to the show. I'm Desi Leic.

Welcome to the show. I'm Desi Leic.

Welcome to the show. I'm Desi Leic. We've got so much to talk about tonight.

We've got so much to talk about tonight.

We've got so much to talk about tonight. The Met Gala theme was oligarchy. An NFL

The Met Gala theme was oligarchy. An NFL

The Met Gala theme was oligarchy. An NFL coach gets a timeout for what he did

coach gets a timeout for what he did

coach gets a timeout for what he did with his own balls. And is Donald Trump

with his own balls. And is Donald Trump

with his own balls. And is Donald Trump smarter than a fifth grader? We'll find

smarter than a fifth grader? We'll find

smarter than a fifth grader? We'll find out. But no. So, let's get into the

out. But no. So, let's get into the

out. But no. So, let's get into the headlines.

Last night was the Met Gala. It's the

Last night was the Met Gala. It's the

Last night was the Met Gala. It's the biggest night of the year for fashion

biggest night of the year for fashion

biggest night of the year for fashion and for your mom saying, "Now, is that

and for your mom saying, "Now, is that

and for your mom saying, "Now, is that ONE HEATED RIVALRY?

ONE HEATED RIVALRY?

ONE HEATED RIVALRY? BUT THE BIGGEST trend on the red carpet

BUT THE BIGGEST trend on the red carpet

BUT THE BIGGEST trend on the red carpet this year was controversy. This year's

this year was controversy. This year's

this year was controversy. This year's Met Gala finds itself steeped in

Met Gala finds itself steeped in

Met Gala finds itself steeped in turmoil. Why? Because the honorary

turmoil. Why? Because the honorary

turmoil. Why? Because the honorary chairs are billionaire Jeff Bezos and

chairs are billionaire Jeff Bezos and

chairs are billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife Lauren Sanchez. Look at the

his wife Lauren Sanchez. Look at the

his wife Lauren Sanchez. Look at the message projected last night on a

message projected last night on a

message projected last night on a building in New York City. Boycott the

building in New York City. Boycott the

building in New York City. Boycott the Basos Met Galla.

Basos Met Galla.

Basos Met Galla. Yeah, get his ass.

Yeah, get his ass.

Yeah, get his ass. Yes, I fully support this message.

Yes, I fully support this message.

Yes, I fully support this message. Although I don't know if the people

Although I don't know if the people

Although I don't know if the people living in that building do.

living in that building do.

living in that building do. Sorry. Can you just take it down a

Sorry. Can you just take it down a

Sorry. Can you just take it down a notch? Your activism is getting in my

notch? Your activism is getting in my

notch? Your activism is getting in my eyes.

eyes.

eyes. Where did they even find a projector

Where did they even find a projector

Where did they even find a projector that big? Well, probably Amazon. THEY

that big? Well, probably Amazon. THEY

that big? Well, probably Amazon. THEY HAVE

HAVE

HAVE THEY HAVE THE best Prime Day deals. Oh

THEY HAVE THE best Prime Day deals. Oh

THEY HAVE THE best Prime Day deals. Oh my. No, no, NO, NO. DESI, REMEMBER,

my. No, no, NO, NO. DESI, REMEMBER,

my. No, no, NO, NO. DESI, REMEMBER, BOYCOTT. BOYCOTT.

BOYCOTT. BOYCOTT.

BOYCOTT. BOYCOTT. BUT WHILE the wealthy are living their

BUT WHILE the wealthy are living their

BUT WHILE the wealthy are living their best lives, the rest of the country is

best lives, the rest of the country is

best lives, the rest of the country is tightening their belts. The war in Iran

tightening their belts. The war in Iran

tightening their belts. The war in Iran has sent fuel prices rising to the point

has sent fuel prices rising to the point

has sent fuel prices rising to the point where over the weekend Spirit Airlines

where over the weekend Spirit Airlines

where over the weekend Spirit Airlines was forced to shut down.

>> Spirit Airlines. At least it's no longer

>> Spirit Airlines. At least it's no longer

>> Spirit Airlines. At least it's no longer suffering.

>> See you in heaven after a three-day

>> See you in heaven after a three-day

>> See you in heaven after a three-day layover in Phoenix.

layover in Phoenix.

layover in Phoenix. But now things are getting so bad that

But now things are getting so bad that

But now things are getting so bad that even the real airlines are struggling.

even the real airlines are struggling.

even the real airlines are struggling. >> If you fly Delta and you look forward to

>> If you fly Delta and you look forward to

>> If you fly Delta and you look forward to hearing the words, "Would you like a

hearing the words, "Would you like a

hearing the words, "Would you like a Biscoff cookie and a complimentary

Biscoff cookie and a complimentary

Biscoff cookie and a complimentary beverage when you travel?" You may be

beverage when you travel?" You may be

beverage when you travel?" You may be out of luck. Delta is eliminating snack

out of luck. Delta is eliminating snack

out of luck. Delta is eliminating snack and drink service on all flights under

and drink service on all flights under

and drink service on all flights under 350 mi.

350 mi.

350 mi. >> Come on. Are you kidding me? First, I

>> Come on. Are you kidding me? First, I

>> Come on. Are you kidding me? First, I can't play with the smoke detectors.

can't play with the smoke detectors.

can't play with the smoke detectors. Now, this

Now, this

Now, this is So, if I want a free

is So, if I want a free

is So, if I want a free cookie, now I have to what? give blood

cookie, now I have to what? give blood

cookie, now I have to what? give blood at the Red Cross. You caning forget

at the Red Cross. You caning forget

at the Red Cross. You caning forget about that. This is my blood. Okay, I

about that. This is my blood. Okay, I

about that. This is my blood. Okay, I made it so I get to keep it. Off you

made it so I get to keep it. Off you

made it so I get to keep it. Off you bloodthirsty maniacs. What is wrong with

bloodthirsty maniacs. What is wrong with

bloodthirsty maniacs. What is wrong with you?

you?

you? BLOOD.

SORRY, I just really like cookies.

SORRY, I just really like cookies.

SORRY, I just really like cookies. Now, without pointing fingers, this

Now, without pointing fingers, this

Now, without pointing fingers, this entire situation is President Trump's

entire situation is President Trump's

entire situation is President Trump's fault. So, he needs to reassure people

fault. So, he needs to reassure people

fault. So, he needs to reassure people that he has a plan to fix the economy.

that he has a plan to fix the economy.

that he has a plan to fix the economy. And fortunately, he had the chance

And fortunately, he had the chance

And fortunately, he had the chance yesterday when he hosted a small

yesterday when he hosted a small

yesterday when he hosted a small business summit. These are the men and

business summit. These are the men and

business summit. These are the men and women on the economic front lines.

women on the economic front lines.

women on the economic front lines. Donald Trump, give them the reassurance

Donald Trump, give them the reassurance

Donald Trump, give them the reassurance they need.

they need.

they need. >> Anybody running for president or vice

>> Anybody running for president or vice

>> Anybody running for president or vice president should take a cognitive test.

president should take a cognitive test.

president should take a cognitive test. So, I've taken three. No president,

So, I've taken three. No president,

So, I've taken three. No president, think of this, has ever taken one.

kind of a weird flex.

kind of a weird flex.

kind of a weird flex. It's like bragging about being the only

It's like bragging about being the only

It's like bragging about being the only kid in school who gets a special helper.

This is not a test to see how smart you

This is not a test to see how smart you

This is not a test to see how smart you are. It's to check if your brain is

are. It's to check if your brain is

are. It's to check if your brain is functioning, which Trump should

functioning, which Trump should

functioning, which Trump should understand based on the questions. The

understand based on the questions. The

understand based on the questions. The first question is very easy and they

first question is very easy and they

first question is very easy and they always show the first question is you

always show the first question is you

always show the first question is you have a lion, a bear, an alligator and a

have a lion, a bear, an alligator and a

have a lion, a bear, an alligator and a what's another good a squirrel. Okay,

what's another good a squirrel. Okay,

what's another good a squirrel. Okay, which is the squirrel.

which is the squirrel.

which is the squirrel. >> I am so glad that we have a president

>> I am so glad that we have a president

>> I am so glad that we have a president who can differentiate between an

who can differentiate between an

who can differentiate between an alligator and a squirrel.

alligator and a squirrel.

alligator and a squirrel. Unlike President Culage, God rest his

Unlike President Culage, God rest his

Unlike President Culage, God rest his soul.

But Trump's struggling to remember all

But Trump's struggling to remember all

But Trump's struggling to remember all the animals isn't a surprise. In fact,

the animals isn't a surprise. In fact,

the animals isn't a surprise. In fact, maybe that should be the cognitive test.

maybe that should be the cognitive test.

maybe that should be the cognitive test. >> You have a lion, a bear, an alligator,

>> You have a lion, a bear, an alligator,

>> You have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a what's another good? A squirrel.

and a what's another good? A squirrel.

and a what's another good? A squirrel. Okay. Which is the squirrel?

Okay. Which is the squirrel?

Okay. Which is the squirrel? >> You have a lion, a giraffe, a whale, and

>> You have a lion, a giraffe, a whale, and

>> You have a lion, a giraffe, a whale, and a shark. And they'll say, "Which one's

a shark. And they'll say, "Which one's

a shark. And they'll say, "Which one's the lion?"

the lion?"

the lion?" >> It's a lion, a giraffe, a bear, and a

>> It's a lion, a giraffe, a bear, and a

>> It's a lion, a giraffe, a bear, and a shark. They say, "Which one is the bear?

shark. They say, "Which one is the bear?

shark. They say, "Which one is the bear? A tiger, an elephant, a giraffe, a

A tiger, an elephant, a giraffe, a

A tiger, an elephant, a giraffe, a giraffe, a tiger, a this or that, a

giraffe, a tiger, a this or that, a

giraffe, a tiger, a this or that, a whale, a giraffe, a fish,

whale, a giraffe, a fish,

whale, a giraffe, a fish, and a hippopotamus. Right.

At this point, I'm not even sure there

At this point, I'm not even sure there

At this point, I'm not even sure there was even a test. I feel like there's I

was even a test. I feel like there's I

was even a test. I feel like there's I feel like there's a good chance the

feel like there's a good chance the

feel like there's a good chance the president was just watching Zootopia.

president was just watching Zootopia.

president was just watching Zootopia. You know what? Maybe small business

You know what? Maybe small business

You know what? Maybe small business owners aren't the best audience for

owners aren't the best audience for

owners aren't the best audience for Donald Trump's animal facts. Is there an

Donald Trump's animal facts. Is there an

Donald Trump's animal facts. Is there an audience that's closer to his

audience that's closer to his

audience that's closer to his intellectual level?

intellectual level?

intellectual level? >> President Trump hosted a group of

>> President Trump hosted a group of

>> President Trump hosted a group of children at the White House today for an

children at the White House today for an

children at the White House today for an event promoting physical fitness.

event promoting physical fitness.

event promoting physical fitness. >> Ah, there we go. That's more your speed.

>> Ah, there we go. That's more your speed.

>> Ah, there we go. That's more your speed. Now you can talk about animals until

Now you can talk about animals until

Now you can talk about animals until your heart's content.

your heart's content.

your heart's content. >> The power of a nuclear weapon is

>> The power of a nuclear weapon is

>> The power of a nuclear weapon is something I don't even want to talk

something I don't even want to talk

something I don't even want to talk about. We can't let Iran have a nuclear

about. We can't let Iran have a nuclear

about. We can't let Iran have a nuclear weapon. You might be too young for this.

>> No, they're not too young. I'm sure

>> No, they're not too young. I'm sure

>> No, they're not too young. I'm sure they've already seen the Paw Patrol

they've already seen the Paw Patrol

they've already seen the Paw Patrol episode where they drop a ballistic

episode where they drop a ballistic

episode where they drop a ballistic missile on humdinger.

How are you talking about nuclear war in

How are you talking about nuclear war in

How are you talking about nuclear war in front of children? You kids have seen

front of children? You kids have seen

front of children? You kids have seen Oppenheimer, right? Florence Pew. Her

Oppenheimer, right? Florence Pew. Her

Oppenheimer, right? Florence Pew. Her titties were out for 10 minutes and he

titties were out for 10 minutes and he

titties were out for 10 minutes and he became death destroyer of all worlds. So

became death destroyer of all worlds. So

became death destroyer of all worlds. So true. So true.

true. So true.

true. So true. Honestly, if there was ever an event

Honestly, if there was ever an event

Honestly, if there was ever an event where it was important to stick to the

where it was important to stick to the

where it was important to stick to the topic at hand, it's the one where you're

topic at hand, it's the one where you're

topic at hand, it's the one where you're surrounded by small children. You

surrounded by small children. You

surrounded by small children. You understand that, right?

understand that, right?

understand that, right? >> It was a rigged election. Barack Hussein

>> It was a rigged election. Barack Hussein

>> It was a rigged election. Barack Hussein Obama, have you heard of him? Open

Obama, have you heard of him? Open

Obama, have you heard of him? Open borders, letting anybody come in from

borders, letting anybody come in from

borders, letting anybody come in from the Congo, from countries all over the

the Congo, from countries all over the

the Congo, from countries all over the world. They came in from prisons and

world. They came in from prisons and

world. They came in from prisons and mental institutions. He can put on

mental institutions. He can put on

mental institutions. He can put on weight like up and down like a yo-yo,

weight like up and down like a yo-yo,

weight like up and down like a yo-yo, and he doesn't take the shot. Okay, we

and he doesn't take the shot. Okay, we

and he doesn't take the shot. Okay, we just hit records at on the Dow. I

just hit records at on the Dow. I

just hit records at on the Dow. I reached 50 in the first year and then I

reached 50 in the first year and then I

reached 50 in the first year and then I reached 7,000. When you have transgender

reached 7,000. When you have transgender

reached 7,000. When you have transgender mutilization,

mutilization,

mutilization, don't listen to this, kids. And then all

don't listen to this, kids. And then all

don't listen to this, kids. And then all of a sudden, a woman dropped dead with a

of a sudden, a woman dropped dead with a

of a sudden, a woman dropped dead with a bullet right there.

>> Hi, Mom.

>> Hi, Mom.

>> Hi, Mom. Can you pick me up from THE WHITE HOUSE?

THE PRESIDENT IS trauma dumping on me

THE PRESIDENT IS trauma dumping on me

THE PRESIDENT IS trauma dumping on me again.

again.

again. >> So when Trump's talking to a room full

>> So when Trump's talking to a room full

>> So when Trump's talking to a room full of adults, he sounds like a child. When

of adults, he sounds like a child. When

of adults, he sounds like a child. When he's talking to a room full of children,

he's talking to a room full of children,

he's talking to a room full of children, he sounds like Pennywise. He's not he's

he sounds like Pennywise. He's not he's

he sounds like Pennywise. He's not he's not exactly the one you want taking care

not exactly the one you want taking care

not exactly the one you want taking care of your kids. Although in this country,

of your kids. Although in this country,

of your kids. Although in this country, we might not have a choice.

we might not have a choice.

we might not have a choice. Are you struggling to find child care in

Are you struggling to find child care in

Are you struggling to find child care in a country that can't provide it? The

a country that can't provide it? The

a country that can't provide it? The >> United States can't take care of

>> United States can't take care of

>> United States can't take care of daycare. We're fighting wars with We

daycare. We're fighting wars with We

daycare. We're fighting wars with We can't take care of daycare.

can't take care of daycare.

can't take care of daycare. >> Then you'll love Donny's Daycare, a

>> Then you'll love Donny's Daycare, a

>> Then you'll love Donny's Daycare, a daycare center personally run by

daycare center personally run by

daycare center personally run by President Donald Trump. Child care is

President Donald Trump. Child care is

President Donald Trump. Child care is his thing.

his thing.

his thing. >> Have you ever done the whole kid thing?

>> Have you ever done the whole kid thing?

>> Have you ever done the whole kid thing? Change the diaper and all that?

Change the diaper and all that?

Change the diaper and all that? >> I've never been into it. You know, it's

>> I've never been into it. You know, it's

>> I've never been into it. You know, it's never been my thing.

never been my thing.

never been my thing. >> It's not totally his thing, but he'll

>> It's not totally his thing, but he'll

>> It's not totally his thing, but he'll teach your kids important life skills

teach your kids important life skills

teach your kids important life skills like fairness. I thought I'd easily win

like fairness. I thought I'd easily win

like fairness. I thought I'd easily win the election, which by the way I did.

the election, which by the way I did.

the election, which by the way I did. And unfortunately, bad things happened.

And unfortunately, bad things happened.

And unfortunately, bad things happened. It was a rigged election.

It was a rigged election.

It was a rigged election. >> They'll be engaged with arts and crafts.

>> They'll be engaged with arts and crafts.

>> They'll be engaged with arts and crafts. >> You know, Mike, he was incapable of

>> You know, Mike, he was incapable of

>> You know, Mike, he was incapable of signing a sanction. So they'd follow him

signing a sanction. So they'd follow him

signing a sanction. So they'd follow him around with this big machine. You know,

around with this big machine. You know,

around with this big machine. You know, it was called an auto path.

it was called an auto path.

it was called an auto path. >> Then it's nap time.

>> Then it's nap time.

>> Then it's nap time. Then a story circle.

Then a story circle.

Then a story circle. >> The woman dropped dead with a bullet

>> The woman dropped dead with a bullet

>> The woman dropped dead with a bullet right there.

right there.

right there. >> And look, a visit from Uncle Bobby. 77%

>> And look, a visit from Uncle Bobby. 77%

>> And look, a visit from Uncle Bobby. 77% of our children cannot qualify for

of our children cannot qualify for

of our children cannot qualify for military service.

military service.

military service. >> You said it, Unk. Then time for another

>> You said it, Unk. Then time for another

>> You said it, Unk. Then time for another nap. At Donnie Daycare, kids learn how

nap. At Donnie Daycare, kids learn how

nap. At Donnie Daycare, kids learn how to handle conflict.

to handle conflict.

to handle conflict. >> You think you can take me in a fight?

>> You think you can take me in a fight?

>> You think you can take me in a fight? >> They'll learn self-esteem.

>> They'll learn self-esteem.

>> They'll learn self-esteem. >> So, you have no weight problems. That's

>> So, you have no weight problems. That's

>> So, you have no weight problems. That's the good news, right?

the good news, right?

the good news, right? >> And they'll learn nap. So, bring your

>> And they'll learn nap. So, bring your

>> And they'll learn nap. So, bring your kids to Donniey's daycare. They'll love

kids to Donniey's daycare. They'll love

kids to Donniey's daycare. They'll love the fun and games.

the fun and games.

the fun and games. >> They don't like playing the games with

>> They don't like playing the games with

>> They don't like playing the games with us. They don't like it at all. You'll

us. They don't like it at all. You'll

us. They don't like it at all. You'll see that.

see that.

see that. All

right.