Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language from the start.

What the fuck? That's what you're wearing to go to a school?

I want to seem like a successful lady.

You're a nightmare.

Do you love me?

I love you.

Is this a manic episode? What should I do again?

Should I sit on you?

I fix problems... Ah!

..and you have them.

You're the bitch who shagged my cousin's husband.

Oh, yeah, I did do that.

You need to stop worrying about Maggie.

She's not worried about you.

I lost the bar, and I'm fucking pregnant.

Maggie, I need you to help me. Is that OK?

Of course I can. I'm in a really good place.

I think there's something wrong with my brain.

Then get some help, Maggie.

# I can't seem to survive love... #

Maggie, my beautiful, sane daughter.

I literally never have to worry about you.

That's nice, Mum.

Yeah, we call you the sane one now.

As you should. PHONE RINGS

Excuse me, I just need to take this.

Yeah, hello? Mm-hm.

SHE LAUGHS OK. OK, bye-bye.

VANESSA: Is this a bad time?

Apologies.

The Government just needed to run some Budget stuff

past a very sane person.

God, I'm lucky to have someone so wildly sane as a client.

LAUGHS

INDISTINCT WHISPER

WHISPERING VOICE: I need you. Is that...?

I need you to help me.

Hello? I need you to help me.

Eddie?

Maggie? What's going on?

Can I borrow your white noise machine? What?

Pleeease!

MAGGIE GRUNTS Ryan?

It's 4am! My room sounds like ghosts.

Get out!

God's sake!

HE SOBS

SHE SIGHS

ALARM BEEPS

# So we built the mountain

# By digging out a mighty hole

# And on our backs we carried every rock and stone

# But now the hole is deeper

# Than anybody ever planned

# By my fingertips I'm hanging on

# Sorry, Satan, but I got through this evening on my own

# I haven't left the house in nearly 30,000

# Cold reactor. #

Is this too early?

Early? I'm up at 6am every day in case someone's died in the night.

Well, they do say mental illness is hereditary.

I barely slept anyway.

I hate that you're so far away.

OK, I'm in Surrey.

Bad enough when you moved back to your flat.

Look, I am fine, Mum.

I'm in my stable girl era.

I'm on medication that isn't trying to kill me.

I use retinol and HelloFresh.

I am a bridesmaid in a posh wedding, for God's sake.

Has anyone heard from Eddie?

Is she coming?She's... SHE SIGHS

No, there's no way.

It's been a year. She didn't even RSVP, which...

I'm not even thinking about that, Mum.

Just stop worrying, OK?

I'm allowed to be worried, Maggie,

it is your first time leaving town since the lithium poisoning.

I said it's your first time leaving town...

Look, I heard you, Mum. Just...

I need to get going, OK?

What on earth does this maid of honour

need you so early for?

I dunno. Bridesmaid stuff?

Filming awkward TikToks in matching satin pyjamas

and telling Simone her skin looks clear.

SHE EXHALES

I am a normal person.

Normal? Who wants to be normal?

I do. Well, if you get overwhelmed

or feel bad in any way, just call me.

I won't, Mum, this is going to be a nice, easy, chill...

This is not one of your kooky Hackney town hall weddings,

where the bride wears a jumpsuit and drinks lager from a can.

This is the Home Counties.

We take this seriously.

I have barely slept.

Mercury cried all night.

No! Did he?

Simone has had a complicated reaction

to her pre-marital juice cleanse.

I will never forgive Heat magazine for what it did to us.

So to avoid my brother saying "I do"

to a woman wearing an adult nappy,

I will be busy trying to plug the leak, as it were.

Yes, those were Simone's choices.

I suppose she wanted her culture represented too.

CLEARS THROAT Please wear them

so as to differentiate yourselves from the staff.

Um...Flopsy, is it? Yeah, um...

Why... Why does my sash say this?

My reputation as a maid of honour,

a role I take extremely seriously,

is immaculate.

I am in constant demand.

And this is my brother's wedding, my favourite brother,

the only brother that isn't balding.

And as, from what I understand,

you have a bit of a reputation as somewhat of a loose cannon... Mm?

..I think this would be a better fit.

Mm?

Off you pop.

Now, I have written down your bridesmaids' tasks

in extremely simple terms,

so I am assuming there are no questions.

I left Simone lying face-down in an antique chamber pot,

so I ought to... Er...

What does "train the swans" mean?

Is "assist Jessie Ware" slang for something?

I have not heard a thing from the fourth bridesmaid.

Has anyone had contact with her? She's ignored all communications.

Er, no. No, she won't be coming.

SHE SPUTTERS

And if I see anyone vaping, they will be fined.

I cannot wait for my bridesmaid years to be over.

What was Aldi Pippa Middleton saying to you? Nothing. It's grand.

Anyways, we only have to deal with her for one day.

Simone has done worse for us.

Like when she sucked off Stormzy's weird old roadies

to get us backstage. Mm, exactly.

Well, strap in, fuckers, cos things are about to get worse.

Worse than unpaid labour? Do you remember Simone's ex, Jack?

Jack Pearl? The one who couldn't stop telling us

that he once played pool with Amy Winehouse?

Oh, he was awful.

He used to sniff out a guitar at a house party

like an indie bloodhound.

Yeah. Well, he's threatening to turn up and ruin the wedding.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Hot girls are meant to marry rich.

It's their right. He wouldn't really turn up here.

Simone seems to think he might. He has previous.

After she got engaged, he tried to break into her house.

It is wild that we just let straight men run loose. Yeah.

So we need to keep an eye out.

For what? A trilby?

The opening chords of Can't Stand Me Now?

I've got a pop star to wrangle.

Yeah, well, I've got...gargoyles to wax.

No-one said this bridesmaid shit was easy.

PHONE VIBRATES

CHEERY MUSIC PLAYS

No! Oh!

Ugh! SHE RETCHES

Oh!

Oh, my God. Sorry. I just...

It suckered onto me, and I could feel its, like, monster tongue.

There I was, thinking I'd given you the simplest tasks there were.

I could do it. I just...

Once I get these gloves on, I will be de-leeching

at speeds never seen before.

See that you are.

And, um...

..if I do everything on my list, which I will, um...

..could I have a normal bridesmaid sash?

Perhaps. OK.

Oh, sorry.

Ugh!

I'm sure I saw someone in the billiards room,

but when I looked back there was nobody there.

DOOR CLOSES

What happened to you?

The swans have a very aggressive communication style.

We're working through it.

I'd take the swans over Jessie Ware any day.

She is insane.

I found her in the kitchen necking cooking sherry,

and when I tried to grab it off her, she called me a slur.

She called you a little bitch. And I consider that a slur.

What's with the meat? Huh?

Oh, I was just feeding the altar boys. Listen...

I have a weird feeling that someone is like, here.

Watching us. Ghosts! Ryan!

I meant maybe more like...

..a Pearl has entered the oyster.

Jack Pearl? Oh!

So we should split up.

Distracting everybody else now, are we?

No, no, don't worry. I've put all the meat in the boys.

I meant, er... I need you to put your bridesmaids' dresses on

and meet me in the main hall as quickly as possible.

If you can manage that.

Yes.

Off you go.

God, who pissed on her Aga?

Just do what she says and we can hunt for Jack Pearl later.

If these dresses are sheer or something

I am going to shank Simone.

They'll be bog-standard pastel satin, babe. Don't worry.

Ryan, your tabard is unacceptable.

OK, well, um, first off,

what the fuck is a tabard?

So we're actually wearing these?

World War I nurses' uniforms?

Is that a problem? God, no. No, no, I... I love war.

Yeah, it just seems like a weird tradition,

even by the aristocracy's standards.

Sister Peggy Beale!

Saved my grandfather's life after the Battle of Cambrai.

Trampled by a horse, poor fellow.

Crushed his skull to smithereens. Oh!

Somehow he pulled through,

thanks to Sister Peggy, who tended to him day and night.

Upon his return home, he did two things.

First, he vowed to honour Sister Peggy

at every family wedding from that day forth.

Mm.

And-And the second thing?

He stabbed every horse in the stable to death.

ALL: Oh!

Wow.

What an honour to represent the, um...

..British Army in this way.

I mean, I'm Irish, of course,

but you can't help but respect the Empire.

If you ignore, like, 90% of the history,

and focus on things like the tea and the...

and the fun uniforms and... What?

Goodness. What would Grandfather say about you?

OK, Uncle Albert,

let's get you back to the rest of the family.

We've actually been looking for you for hours.

Eddie.

Are you wearing a bindi?

I had no idea you were coming.

Yeah, it was kind of a last-minute decision.

Huh.

OK. Um...

Hug me, then, bitch.

Oh, I had no idea.

Why would you? Where the fuck have you been?

California, mostly. Oh.

So somewhere that definitely does have Wi-Fi, then.

Turns out there's more to life than social media.

I'd love it if we could talk one-on-one.

It's kind of why I came.

Oh, I mean, yeah, yeah, of course.

Right, now that our fourth bridesmaid

has finally arrived...

Eddie, is it?

..I'm putting you in charge of making sure

the chapel is ready to go.

The rest of you, back to your tasks.

Actually, Flopsy, um, I've done all mine.

You've moistened the taxidermy?

Yep. You've cut the Nazis out of the portraits? Yeah.

Yeah, that one took a while, but, um, yeah.

Oh! I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised.

So...

The sash. Oh, yes.

This is for you.

It's from Simone, hence the quality of the fabric.

No, no, no.

That's too close. Right. Um...

You said if I...

..if I finish all my tasks, I could have a normal sash.

Oh. SHE LAUGHS

I'm not sure that's quite what I said.

Why don't we see how you do during the ceremony?

If we can avoid any big scenes, then we'll see...

Flopsy, we need you. The flowers are pink.

The flowers are what?

If that florist thinks she'll work in Surrey again,

she has another think coming.

First the ribbon debacle and now this.

DOOR SLAMS

So, could you show me to this chapel?

It's nice.

Well, it's haunted.

Well, like, according to Ryan.

Ryan thinks the Dalston McDonald's is haunted.

So...

How have you been?

I'm sorry I haven't reached out.

I needed time to think about...

..everything, but also about us.

Look, this might be hard to hear, but...

SNEEZING Sh!

Look.

We'll explain later, but right now...

..I need to attack the man that's behind those flowers.

I have a weapon! Oh, God, not Jack Pearl!

That's plastic, by the way.

I am here to object to this wedding, like in Shrek.

Oh, you are not the Shrek. You are the Farquaad!

Are you seriously going to ruin someone's wedding

just because she once made the poor choice to go out with you?

Go out with me? We're married!

Yeah. Didn't know that part, did you?

Got married in Vegas. Simone thought it didn't count

because she was wearing a bikini at the time, but it did!

So I'm here as her lawfully wedded husband

to stand up against bigamy.

Ow! Get off! Don't touch me!

I've got the law on my si...

Have you always been nuns, you two?

Shut up!

Could you not have just sent her a text?

She blocked me. Can you believe that?

Like, we was partners, yeah?

And now it's like we're strangers, you know?

I know.

It's hard to be the one that's still in love.

Yuck! I don't love her. I just want 100 grand to stay quiet.

Oh, you're such a fucking Farquaad!

LOUD CRACK What was that?

Swan whip. Guys, kick-off is in 20.

We need to get him out of here.

Anya, I assume you brought the birds.

They've accepted me as their leader. Good.

I think they might be able to help.

Oh!

HE GROANS You can't do this to me!

My cousin knows Rob Rinder.

Now what? We can't leave him up here on his own.

Help! Help me! I've been kidnapped by witches!

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

MUFFLED SHOUTING

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, God. Flopsy's asking where we are.

Um, "Just in the attic, babe."

No! Why would you tell her that?

Do not send that!I already did. MUFFLED SHOUTING

My thumbs have Millennial smartphone muscle memory.

Oh, God. She can hear the moaning.

OK, OK, just... Just let me think.

She's coming up here. Well, she can't. Stop her.

Oh, my God, how?

Tell her Anya's giving birth. There's no baby!

Hang on. I can try and push. Tell her it's me.

The noises. Tell her I've had, like, an episode.

No.

That way I can stay up here with Jack so he can't escape.

The rest of you can go be bridesmaids.

No, Mags. If someone needs to stay, I'll do it.

Straight weddings are boring as fuck anyway.

No, it has to be me. Flopsy won't believe it's anyone else.

It's our only choice. But...

Just go!

BELLS PEAL

The bells. The bells!

JACK GRUNTS

BELLS PEAL

JACK GRUNTS

JACK WHIMPERS

JACK GROANS

DOOR OPENS

You're too small to subdue him.

Never had any complaints.

JACK WHIMPERS

So...

Do you want to have that talk?

Not now.

Let's just watch the wedding.

MUSIC: Ave Maria

JACK MOANS IN TUNE

Ugh!

Oh, my God, Maggie! Are you feeling better?

Yep. All good, thank you.

I'm fine.

Done? Yep.

Owen's got him trussed up in an out-of-service loo.

I'm not sure what he's going to do with him exactly.

Oh, he'll be fine. He's done this sort of thing before.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Fuck Flopsy, man. She's got a rabbit's name.

I can't believe we missed the food. I am starving.

Will we go pillage a pantry?

I've always wanted to see a pantry.

Well, then, we must.

Hurry up, before the servants eat all the leftovers.

We are the servants!

Not to brag, but I will find a kitchen using only my nose.

Yeah, I believe it.

Eddie! Finally!

Oh, I'm sorry I'm so late.

I got lost finding our new apartment.

I ended up somewhere called Totting Ham?

And this guy with no teeth, he tried to sell me a horse.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, sorry. This is my... My friend...

Hi. I'm Whitney. You must be Maggie.

I must be, yeah.

God, I bet I look a mess.

I literally grabbed whatever

was at the top of my suitcase and ran.

No, no. You look stunning.

Oh, thank you.

Drinkies?Let's do it. THEY LAUGH

We'll... Yeah. Yeah.

Why are you dressed like Florence Nightingale?

# I could be a millionaire

# If I had the money... #

So, has it been awful?

No. Not awful.

Did you tell her?

I was going to, but then there was this whole mad drama.

Hey, it's OK.

It's OK.

I'm here now. I can help.

Yeah.

And you'll feel so much better once you sit her down and say,

"I'm sorry, but I cannot have you in my life any more."

I'm going to do it.

Soon.

Just not tonight.

Cheer up, little boy! Today is a wonderful day!

# I've been reading Browning

# Keats and William Wordsworth

# And they all seem to be saying the same thing for me

# Well, I like the words they use

# And I like the way they use them, you know

# Home Thoughts From Abroad is such a beautiful poem. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media