Original subtitles

Well, this is now my fifth time of calling

and the Street View picture of my house is still up on your site.

Is it just outside your house?

No, it's not just outside my house!

I'm visible all the way up the street.

Sorry, what do you want me to do about it?

Erm, excuse me? One minute.

Well, ideally, I would like you to send the Street View car back

to take another photo

because the current one is deeply compromising.

OK, I'll have a word with my supervisor.

Yes, please do talk to your supervisor.

Do you want me to call me back?

No, I'll hold.

AMANDA SIGHS

MUSAK PLAYS ON PHONE

UNDER BREATH: This is ridiculous!

Oh...

I did not know that was there.

Wow.

So that's what's behind that big hedge.

Hello? Yes.

My manager said he can raise a ticket. Right.

But he said, "Don't get your hopes up."

OK. Well, that is very disappointing

and I shall be taking my 360-degree viewing elsewhere.

Is there anything...

Erm, could you just help me with this?

I just need a moment to cool off.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Ooh, are they new kicks, Mal?

Not that I was looking at your legs.

I was. Mummy!

Sorry about my mother.

She buys her HRT on the dark web.

In answer to your question, Anne, yes.

Ned decided he needed to upgrade to a pair of Predators

and I've reached the age where I will accept

my son's hand-me-downs.

And what's wrong with those? They look brand-new.

Don't get me started.

JJ and Abs are paying him to babysit Isla.

Now he thinks he's Daddy Warbucks.

I'm sorry. Your son is being paid to look after his own sister?

Yep. OK, I'm going to say something very controversial.

Oh, God.

I don't believe in paying your children to look after

your other children.

Nope. You're not going to get cancelled for that, Anne.

I'm sorry, but in my family, you were looked after by the older kids

until you were old enough to look after the younger kids.

Mm-hm. And then the older kids had their own kids,

by which point, the younger kids were the older kids,

and they looked after the older kids' kids,

and then the whole thing just continued again.

Is it over?

Well, I am lucky enough to have my darling mother here.

You know it actually costs me money to babysit,

once you've factored in the cab fare, and...

I often have to bring my own wine.

I have wine. Yes, but in a box.

That was ONE time.

I should really take advantage of having Darius at home more

because me and Chris have just been itching to try that new Indian

that's taken over from where Shin used to be.

Not for me. I'm a loyal customer of Pride Of Punjab in Park Royal.

Owner loves me so much, he invited me to his wedding.

BREATHLESS: Hey!

Oh, you got a new dog, Fi?

Nah. Poor old Hugo's mummy had a fall,

so I said I'd look after her pets till she got out the hospital.

Oh. That is sad. Yeah, my aunt took a fall once.

Off a harbour wall.

She was largely unhurt, but she got a terrible fright,

and the subsequent PTSD that she suffered

was a contributing factor to the breakdown of her marriage.

Huh.

Right. Does anybody know where

43 Bencanton Road is?

I've got to pick up Hugo's bed and feed Elspeth's cat.

Yeah, that's the end of our street.

I know Elspeth. I used to cut her massive hedge.

Wait, that's who lives in the big house with the massive hedge?

Yeah. Huh.

What big house with the massive hedge? I just... I can't picture it.

I'll show you on Street View.

You'll know it when you see it. HE SPLUTTERS

Have we lost our powers of description?

SHE CHUCKLES You know, Anne, the big house,

with the, erm...massive hedge?

Yo. I got a bubble tea for Ned.

Oh, yeah.

Cheers, bro. Here's a tip. There you go.

Cheers, mate. Nice one.

I'm sorry, but how much money is your son actually making?

Ah...

Right, kids... Ooh!

..take the dogs. Wait outside. I'll be two secs.

Morten, take the poo bags, please.

Fine, but it's five quid for every poo I've got to pick up.

Don't suppose I could stick my head through the door, Fi,

just for the sneakiest of peakiests?

Are you sure you should go in? You know she has cats.

Yes, I know she has cats. She has a cat allergy.

I don't have a cat allergy.

I just didn't get on with that one specific cat.

Do you want to come in, Mummy?

Why would I want to go into an old cat lady's house?

Suit yourself.

Come on, Fi.

Right.

Right, here we are.

Oh, wow.

She's kept all the original features.

I'm getting serious spine tingles.

I could see my high horse in this hallway.

AMANDA COUGHS

Aslan, dinner time!

SHE COUGHS Shut the front door!

Is that a grand piano?

Aw! CAT MEOWS, PURRS

WHISPERS: No, thank you.

Hello, Aslan!

Do you want some Poultry Supreme?

Oh, this place is gorg!

SHUTTER CLICKS

Hello! How did I not know it existed right under my nose?

Well, that hedge could do with a bit of a trim.

It's pretty dingey.

Fi, it has so much potential. Come on.

You could definitely introduce some Scandi accents here.

FI GAGS

AMANDA SNEEZES

CHOKED: What a shame about the kitchen.

Such a pity they ripped out the original.

Still, I mean, just so good. PHONE CHIMES

AMANDA COUGHS

Absolutely stinks, but it's just gorgeous.

FI CHUCKLES Oh, what a lovely garden!

Yeah, I'm sure it'll be a real wrench for Elspeth to leave it.

She's leaving?

Yeah, since her fall, I think she wants to be closer to her family.

So sad.

So, so sad!

Yeah.

Purely as a thought experiment,

I wonder what a house like this goes for.

Mm. Dunno.

Yeah.

SHE COUGHS

Come on, Mands, let's get a wriggle on!

CHATTER, GIGGLING

Mum, you owe me �10, by the way.

Oh, right.

FI SIGHS

Oh, what happened to your neck Amanda? It's well blotchy.

It's not - it's fine. I just... I just caught the sun earlier.

You know what, Fi?

I would be more than happy to take over your cat-feeding duties.

Honestly, it's the least I could do for a neighbour in need.

So you can pop round to feed a cat, but you won't pop round to feed me?

OK, one, you barely eat, and two, you're always at my house, Mummy.

It's really not a hassle, Fi.

Well, if you don't mind, Mands... No.

..that'd be really helpful.

Yes! Yes, yeah. I love me some community spirit!

I know. Somebody give me that OBE!

FI LAUGHS Yeah! Yeah.

Aw, you shouldn't have!

This ain't for you.

Oh. Thanks.

Anyway, I was wondering if I could have some credit for my phone?

That's what your pocket money's for.

Yeah, I know, but I've spent it.

What about the cash from your baby-sitting?

I guess I've spent that as well.

On what? I don't know. Nothing, really.

All right, I think we need some lessons in budgeting, mate.

You're going to teach me about budgeting, yeah?

What? I'm good with money. Great with money?

Yeah! Very good. Yeah, yeah.

Exhibit A.

You pretty much only eat takeaways, Dad.

OK. But those leftovers, they're like a free meal.

FRIDGE DOOR SHUTS So I'm basically...saving money.

I'm the money saving expert. Hmm.

OK.

We should probably call JJ. Mm.

Right. Well, we're just in that new curry place if you need us.

And I've told Niamh she can stay up to watch The Wheel if she wants.

And the twins can have a bowl of cereal if they're still hungry.

No worries. But just so you know, I do charge �15 an hour.

Since when?

Ned charges �10 an hour to look after one kid,

and I'm offering 15 for three.

Seven quid a head. Bargain.

How are you still so bad at maths?

No. I am not paying you to babysit your brothers and your sister.

Fine.

I guess I'll just go and see Georgie, then.

DOOR OPENS, SHUTS

Chris, take off your spanx - we're staying in!

As-lan?

CAT MEOWS SHE COUGHS

Here's your dinner.

Ugh, it stinks!

CAT MEOWS Ugh!

Oh... SHE COUGHS

SHE WHEEZES Look at me, Aslan.

SHE COUGHS Don't move.

Right, so the best way to monitor your spending is to go

through your bank statements, OK?

So we'll use my last month as an example.

Er, BP Garage.

That's �45 for petrol.

That goes under "travel".

Hmm? Mm-hm.

Forbidden Planet - �3.30.

What's that? Batman comic. HE CHUCKLES

How old are you?

Abigail, you're literally sucking on a Frube.

Do you go through your bank statements every month?

Oh, me? No. I'm usually quite strict with my spending.

I probably should do it more often, though.

So we have a payment to UK-TERP Limited.

�7.99.

Yeah, I'm not sure what that is.

Abs, do you know what UK-TERP LTD is?

Er, nope.

Hmm. I'll highlight it to check later.

How are you getting on, Mal?

Erm...

Well, that's a lot of money you spend at the Pride of Punjab.

No wonder he's invited me to his wedding.

I'm bloody paying for it!

Hey, there.

Hi. I'm looking for Elspeth Hopkins. I'm her neighbour.

Bay 4. Straight down there.

Thank you.

And can I just say, so much gratitude to you for your service.

I led my road in the Covid clap for the NHS back in the day so...

..you're welcome.

SHE CLAPS

So, basically, Nick introduced Trilby the Jack Russell

to a male suitor.

It was absolutely disastrous!

I'll bet it was! Yeah, it was! THEY LAUGH

All right, Amanda? What are you doing here?

Oh, I just came to see how Hugo's mummy's doing.

LOUDLY: Hello, Elspeth! I'm Amanda.

I'm feeding your cats.

We live on the same street.

Aren't you the woman with the Tesla

that stretches the charging cable right across the pavement?

No, no.

I-I don't even own a car.

That's how green I am.

I just wanted to drop by

and share some piccys of your gorgeous cat.

Oh! How is he?

Aw! Living his best lives. Oh!

But, boy, does he miss his mumma!

Mm. Oh, there he is!

Oh, I know!

Aww!

Your hand looks really big in that picture.

Yeah, I have big hands, Fi,

and I'm quite self-conscious about it, so...

I love your house, by the way.

Well, your kitchen, as that's very much the only room I've been in.

Yeah. My husband made all the cabinets himself.

Yeah, before he lost his arm. Oh!

In the war?

No. We were born in the '50s. Oh.

A computer server fell on him.

Wow.

Well, your kitchen is...

..lovely. Oh.

When we moved in the whole place was really grotty, but, ah...

Yeah. ..over the years we've done a lot of, erm,

restoration and... Yeah, yeah! ..remodelling.

Yeah, sweet! So sweet.

Oh, in case you got bored in here,

I bought you a book by my favourite author.

Do you know Penelope Lively?

Oh, Lively's terrific!

Yes, queen!

Ah! She is the absolute OG.

I never had you pegged as a big reader, Amanda.

Well, what can I say, Fi?

I'm hard to peg.

Many people have tried to peg me over the years,

but I'm basically unpeggable.

That's what I should call my autobiography - Unpeggable!

SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY

Why don't we get a round of coffees, Fi?

Yeah, all right. I'll have a latte, please.

And, Elspeth...

..I'm going to say Earl Grey?

Good guess. Yes, please.

OK. So it's a latte, Earl Grey. I'll have a sparkling water.

I think there's a machine by the lifts.

Thanks, Fi!

Right. I'll be right back. OK.

Fi? Would you shut the door? Thanks.

Who keeps doing this?

It's empty!

Right, Darius, I'm just nipping to the corner shop to get some milk.

Are you asking me to babysit?

No, I'm asking you to watch the kids while I nip to the corner shop.

OK. Well, rounded to the nearest hour I'd say that's about 15 quid.

But, cos we're fam, I'll do it for 7.50.

It's only at the end of the road!

Fine.

I'll just go to the library and revise.

See you.

UNDER BREATH: Little fecker!

DOOR SLAMS

Hmm.

Mm, mm, mm...

Sorry, Amanda?

I asked you to shift these catalogues.

Yes, I know, Daniel.

Can you not see I'm in a flow state right now?

Is that a...

A time of the month thing?

No, I'm working on ideas for a new kitchen.

Oh. When inspiration hits, Daniel... DOOR OPENS

..you need to be ready for it. DOOR SHUTS

Oh, hello, Mrs Sanderson.

Mummy!

I was just passing. From Chelsea?

And I wondered if you wanted to get a bloody mary?

Ooh!

It's 10.30.

Is it?

Oh, God.

Well, surely she's entitled to a brunch hour?

Oh, Mummy, I'm sorry. Can we put a pin in it?

I promised I'd pop in and see Elspeth.

Why? She's just a bog-standard old woman.

Elspeth is in hospital, Mummy.

And who are you, Lady Di?

You're up to something.

Mummy!

No. Elspeth's really interesting and wise.

Just...

Excuse me for making time for other people.

Also, Amanda, can you please sort out those samples?

I don't have time, Daniel.

Visiting starts in half an hour and I promised sweet Elspeth

I'd bring her a copy of the Radio Times.

See you Saturday, Mummy.

How's your new kitchen?

Did you have any thoughts about the extractor fan...

Call me a taxi.

Now.

OK, I made you a photo montage of Aslan,

just to keep you company.

Ah! Oh... SHE CHUCKLES

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Is this Brahms?

I adore Brahms!

Whaaat?!

OK, this is getting weird now, Elspeth.

Are we basically the same person?

THEY LAUGH

No, I'm a huge fan of Brahms.

I just wish I'd got to see him live.

I am so lucky to have met you! Ohh!

I feel like I've found a new little sister.

Sister? Mmm...niece.

Great-niece, even.

But, yeah, this sums up what I love about our community.

It's just such a shame we might have to leave Soha.

Who's Soha?

No, it's what the property experts call South Harlesden. Oh.

Yeah. I just can't find anywhere big enough for my family.

I've got two growing teens. SHE SIGHS

It's such a shame because, if I could stay on our road forever,

I would.

Well, I'm actually thinking of selling.

Stop, Elspeth!

Why would you sell a place like that?

The stairs are not getting any easier,

and I wouldn't mind being nearer my son.

AMANDA SIGHS

The ageing process is a son of a bitch.

Mm. No offence to your son, of course.

Or you.

Well, if you really mean it, Elspeth, then, well...

..I would love to throw my hat in the ring.

Well, we'd have to have it valued and everything. Yes. Oh, yes, yes.

But I would... I would gladly offer you first refusal.

Can we hug?

MACHINE BEEPS Oh, gosh!

Sorry, I think I just pulled out your line.

WHISTLE BLOWS Yeah.

It would probably be a complete internal refit.

Plus a wet room.

OK. OK, great.

I'll see you Friday.

Thanks, Garry!

You getting some building work done, then, Mands?

I'd appreciate it if you didn't listen in

on my private conversation, Mal.

But, in answer to your question, yes.

Cos it looks like I might be moving.

Really? Where?

I can't really go into the detail.

But it's close.

Very close.

Like, end of the road.

On the corner.

Elspeth's house?

How can you afford Elspeth's house?

She wants a quick sale.

Plus I'll do a lot of work myself, put it on Insta.

Who doesn't love a hot blonde in a hard hat?

Just ask Anneka Rice! SHE LAUGHS

I actually had my first wet dream about Challenge Anneka.

Oh!

Mal, TMI.

Come on! Hiya!

Hello. That is an awful lot of dogs, Fi.

I know - it's mad.

Once you start walking someone else's dog, things really snowball.

DOG YAPS

Oh, sorry, Snowball.

I wasn't talking about you.

We've got a neighbour who wants a new dog walker, haven't we?

Oh, yeah. What's your going rate?

I don't charge.

I just do it as a favour.

It's hardly work, and I've got to do it for Hugo and Bobby anyway.

Babe, you're mental. You could be making a killing.

You don't have to monetise kindness, Abigail.

I don't charge to help Elspeth, and yet I feel so rewarded.

Mands, I literally work in a food bank.

Well... Fi, Mal, Abs!

Hey! And Jerry.

So lovely to see you.

Mummy!

Mummy?

DOG BARKS Hey, get out of there!

Does anybody want any kali mirch?

I needed some for a recipe, but they only sell it in two-kilo bags.

You know that's just black pepper? Really?

Why are you bulk-buying seasoning?

I'm on this economy drive.

You know, I was going to have a go at making my own curry tonight.

God, rather you than me.

My idea of cooking is adding some ice and maybe an olive.

I mean, I know I'm going to save money, eventually,

but these spices, jeez!

Used to spend less money on powder in Ibiza.

Oh, ah, speaking of economy drives, the bank called back.

They don't know what UK-TERP LTD is either.

Well, maybe it's a scam.

You can't be too careful.

I once lost �80,000

to something calling itself National Insurance.

Oh, ho-ho, ho, all right!

Dad's sag paneer fake-away!

Courtesy of TikTok.

Dig in.

Mm...

Erm...

Hmm.

Yeah, no offence, Dad,

but I think we're going to have to find savings elsewhere.

I've spent 40 quid on spices.

I'm going to keep going until I get it right or it kills me.

Yeah, whichever one comes first.

JJ?

It's 4.30. What are you doing?

I couldn't sleep.

I've just been through all of our statements.

We've been paying UK-TERP LTD �7.99 a month

for the last eight and a half years.

That's...

..�814.98.

For what? Who are these people?

What are they doing for me?

I think you need to come back to sleep, babe.

That's it. I'm cancelling the direct debit.

OK, then.

You'd be surprised the amount of people want free quotes on houses

they've not even bought yet.

No?! Yeah, yeah.

BOTH CHUCKLE

That's crazy.

Mmm. Well, this is very much my crib, so... OK. ..yeah.

Well, look, I mean we could probably put a Portaloo there.

That way, we wouldn't have to use your toilet. OK, great. Mm-hm.

Oh. Is that your cat?

Yeah, yeah.

He loves it down there, at the very, very end of the garden,

as far away from the house as possible.

Oh, wow!

Yes. Oh, this is so nice.

Thank you.

I've worked around here for years.

I didn't even know it was here.

Yeah. Cor, look at those original features!

Yeah, no, this house is perfect.

Definitely want to rip out this wall, though.

And if you just come through here, this... Yep. ..is the room

I am desperate to get started on. Wait till you see it.

Erm, yeah. Ugh!

Where do you even start?!

I just do not understand how anyone could live with this monstrosity.

What?!

Oh, hi, Elspeth!

AMANDA LAUGHS

How long have you been standing there?

They discharged me this morning.

Oh, wow!

What's wrong with my kitchen?

Nothing. At all. I love it.

You said you were going to rip it all out.

Yeah, because it needs to be completely rewired,

and then I'm going to put it all back exactly how it was.

A full rewiring job's a lot of money. Yeah.

Although we are ripping out that wall, so... Mmm.

Excuse me! Mmm. Who are you?

I'm Garry. I'm just giving a quote on some building work. Mmm.

Who are you?

This is my house.

You told me you were the homeowner.

I am...very much in the process of becoming the homeowner.

Oh...sake!

I'll have to invoice you for this.

Garry, look, well... You haven't even done anything, Garry!

SHE SCOFFS DOOR SHUTS

SHE SIGHS

I am so happy to see you back home, Elspeth.

And looking so well! Wow.

I haven't even moved out and you're already demolishing my house!

Not at all. I-I'm simply...

You said it was a monstrosity.

OK, fine.

Hands up.

If you want the truth, Elspeth...

..I hate this kitchen.

It's a horrible colour and it's very badly laid out.

And, yes, the first thing I'm going to do is rip it all out

and skip the lot.

And I'm sorry, Elspeth, if that's not what you want to hear,

but I think you of all people get it cos that's exactly

what you did when you moved in here.

That was different.

Well, it wasn't, though, was it?

You changed this house into your home.

You wore it in like a pair of lovely old leather shoes.

When I look at this house...

..I can see my kids playing the piano

and my one-armed husband building his own kitchen.

CAT MEOWS Aw!

But you're absolutely right, Elspeth.

I am selfish.

Because I just want a bigger house to finally have the space

to get my own cat.

COMPUTER DEFAULT BEEP TONE What's going on?

COMPUTER BEEPS CONTINUE

Come on.

Has your internet just gone down?

Right, that's what UK-TERP was.

Ugh.

INDISTINCT SHOUTS

Oi! We're in the middle of a game!

AMANDA COUGHS I'm sorry I'm late.

AMANDA COUGHS

SHE CLEARS THROAT

You all right there, Amanda?

Never been better.

What's wrong with your face?

Nothing, Abigail.

It's awfully puffy. Please don't body-shame me, Anne!

I've a touch of hayfever, but otherwise, I'm slaying it.

In fact - breaking news...

..I'm moving.

You're leaving Soha?! No, Anne.

Oh, thank God. Jesus.

I'm buying Elspeth's house.

Oh, wow!

I am finally getting the Georgian proportions I deserve.

Yeah!

I and Senuous are entering our elite era.

Wow.

SHE COUGHS VIOLENTLY

You all right, Amanda?

I'm thriving. Thank you. OK.

Erm, so the good news - I've set up a new direct debit.

Internet should be switched back on, hopefully, by Monday.

OK, great. What's the bad news?

So the, ah, �7.99-per-month thingy was a start-up deal

from nine years ago.

Erm, our new contract is �62 a month.

Fuckers.

Yeah. AMANDA COUGHS

Are you still coming for coffee afterwards, Mummy?

Doesn't Elspeth need you?

All right, for starters, she's out of hospital now.

And, secondly, why are you being so hard on her?

You're the one that's got a hard-on for her.

Are you jealous, Mummy?

Well, of course I'm jealous! But, Mummy...

You barely know the woman and you're by her bedside.

When I was in hospital for my nip tuck...

It was a hip replacement, Mummy.

Well, yes, they nipped the old one out and tucked a new one in.

But you didn't visit me once.

What are you talking about? I did visit you.

You did not. I did.

I literally slept on your floor for two days.

I don't remember that.

Yes, because you were off your face on morphine.

Look.

Oh, God.

Delete that immediately.

If you want. PLAYER: Shoot, shoot!

What's this?

Oh, I'm going out to dinner.

And I've hired Ned to babysit tonight.

Why?

Because he's cheaper than you, Darius.

And I can spend my savings on poppadoms.

Now, I'm going on a hot date with my hot husband.

Come on, Chris. We're leaving!

What? No... DOOR SHUTS

You're baby-sitting me?

Market forces, innit.

Yeah, I've tried anti-histamines, eye drops,

nasal corticosterides, erm...

Nothing's working. SIREN BLARES

Oh, God.

Did you just send me an ambulance?

Fi?

God, look at you.

I'm a bit teary myself.

I'm so sorry, Amanda.

Huh?

About Elspeth.

What about Elspeth?

She died. What?!

Apparently she slipped in her garden trying to pick up her cat's bowls.

Nobody knows why they were there.

Oh, my God.

I know. It's brutal.

AMBULANCE DOORS SHUT ENGINE IGNITES

Do you know if she mentioned anything about me before she died?

Or the house?

You were probably the last person she talked to.

Sorry.

I just need a minute.

Yeah.

SHE SCREAMS SILENTLY

Oh, shit.

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