Original subtitles

But I'm the doctor.

Earth's protector.

I'm a sex lord for crying out loud.

How did you get past all my defense?

The doctor has failed the humans.

We are the cybersemen, and we shall upgrade humanity's dicks and vajayjays.

want humanity's cum.

Tim, we talked about this.

I'm the mouthpiece. You drive the ship.

Pilot. I pilot the ship, Jeff.

Don't belittle me in front of our enemies, please.

Then why don't you pilot your ass back behind the ship's steering wheel and let

me do the talking? Thank you very much.

I am giant piece of shit.

What was that?

Nothing. That's what I thought.

We want all the human cum.

It doesn't matter if it is fresh from their bodies or hardened in their sports

socks. If they ejaculate it, we want it. And the doctor shall not stop us from

getting the cum.

Ha!

That's rich.

You think you can get what you want with threats?

This is no threat.

We have already infiltrated the Earth.

We've got someone to help us.

Who helped you?

The Doctor.

The Doctor helped you?

But I'm the Doctor.

What do you think, Rory?

I think I may have just committed a crime in my pants.

What are you doing, Amy?

I sort of got my old kiss -a -gram job back.

What, you're going to go back to dressing up in sexy clothes, going door

-door kissing random strangers?

Yes, except this time I'm a fuckogram.

No. No wife of mine is going to be a fuckogram.

No wife of yours.

Well, you know what I mean.

I'm not trying to damage your president's masculinity.

Amy, I'm a male nurse.

I shave men's balls for a living.

You can't damage my masculinity.

We just need some cash.

If that means giving some strangers a blowjob on their birthday, well...

That's the sacrifice I'm willing to make.

To the pawn shop.

What?

Well, I've got all these extra possessions, you know. I could just sell

stuff for four less and I'd bought this law.

That way, you know, you won't have to do that job you were talking

about.

Uh, let's see. Oh, God.

There's my favorite porno parody DVD.

Shercock. Oh.

Sure will enjoy selling that.

Yay.

Well, I guess I don't have to get my old job back then.

Right, right. I mean, no need for blowjobs like that, right?

Hey, wait, my naughty cop.

Didn't I hear you say something about wanting to fulfill a birthday boy's

Oh, you want me to... I want you to make my angel weep on your face.

Well, I think we should start with a little balik.

Exterminate.

Exterminate.

Exterminate.

Come on, Mr.

Paul.

like that, Mr.

Pollan.

Get on it, get on it.

Yes, baby, yes. Get on it.

Holy shit.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, Amy, that's funny.

Amy, that pussy.

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, keep going, Mr. Paul.

Oh, that's so good.

That's so good.

Are you teasing me, Mr. Paul?

Teasing? No.

Did you miss scabbling down all those... black holes?

Alright, no black holes today then?

No.

Well, I've come to warn you. The planet is in danger.

And have you ever noticed how fish fingers and custard are extremely

Did you just... say the planet was in peril?

No.

I was just comparing a fish stick to an ejaculating penis.

The Earth is in peril.

I don't know how.

Cybersemen are planning on infiltrating the planet and taking over in three

days' time.

Oh, my.

Would you mind giving us a moment to go get changed?

Oh, of course. I'll just finish my lunch, then.

Oh, Doctor, what a big fish finger you have.

That's right, sexy alien lady.

Now come get my magical custard.

Oh, box.

Rory! Amy!

You're melted now.

We are now cyberseamens. We have had our genitals upgraded.

And now, Doctor, your dick must be upgraded too.

Hello, sweetie.

What took you so long?

Oh, I've been on vacation on the planet Skaro.

Skaro? Oh,

River Dong.

You do like to live dangerously, don't you?

Ah, spoilers.

Changed a bit, but still similar to a vagina.

Bigger on the inside.

The TARDIS.

Small on the outside, big on the inside.

Similar to a vagina.

Don't see it.

I came from Earth four days from now. Things are not good. The cybersemen.

I know. They're trying to take over.

Worse, they've taken over, sweetie.

Because of you.

Somehow, they've corrupted you.

Your former self.

That would explain how they're getting to my companions.

They're taking their technology and using me to affect the ones that I care

What I don't get is, if the cyber -seaman won't come, why don't they just

people off?

Well, they tried that. They opened several massage parlours throughout the

galaxy. Who is ready for their happy ending?

Oh. They weren't very successful, and now we need to stop them from taking the

con. The cybershuman wanting human ejaculate isn't the only problem.

We have to find out why these cum -hungry space machines want to take over

Earth.

Well, we need to find out exactly when you interacted with a cyber seaman or an

agent of them.

Oh, oh,

oh, I know me sounds a little bit drunk.

And you're the alien lady and you look a

bit like a cyber seaman. But I don't care, I don't care.

Because you knew I, because you knew I... Hey, hey, it's space.

No one can hear you crazy.

You want to do it?

Oh, yeah.

Doctor, what is it?

You know, just time,

universe, space travel.

It's probably something where, you know, it secretly injected me without

me knowing, of course.

Hey!

I know.

I knew you were a ponder agent.

At the end of the world.

In that case, maybe we should do something to pass the time.

Great idea.

I could do fish fingers and custard already.

Sex, Doctor.

Oh, right.

Sex.

Brilliant idea.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Platform 1.

Thank you, Doctor.

You're welcome, Rose.

Trust me, the final queef of Planet Queef before it goes nova will be a

amazing event.

It's not every day you see a queef.

Not just a queef. This queef has been built up for thousands of years.

It's going to be the greatest queef that Planet Queef has ever queefed. This is

going to be amazing.

Queef -mazing.

Bow, Rose.

She says it's a pleasure to meet you.

Who is she? She reminds me of a Miley Cyrus concert.

Rose, she's the ambassador of Planet Queef.

What did I say? I just made a queef noise.

It was more of a fart. A little rude, actually.

Oh, it's about to start.

There's something romantic about it.

Yes, the giant fiery vagina always seems to get my space gonads rumbling.

Oh really?

Well, they don't call me doctor because I don't have a PhD in pussy pounding.

I feel strange.

What's the matter, Rose?

And we shall upgrade humanity to six and for JJ's.

Who helped you?

The Doctor.

But I'm the Doctor.

Go and take care of that thing that I asked you to earlier.

Wait.

Are you sure this is what you want to do?

Taking over the Earth?

You can leave right now. I'll never mention it again.

We cannot walk away from the Earth.

Space Netflix doesn't have the selection that Earth Netflix has.

All they have is Space Jam.

The doctor is cocky for asking.

Why, thank you.

Not what I meant.

Perhaps a demonstration of our control over the humans will break him.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, this place is creepy.

Bit like a Robin Thicke album.

When the Doctor finds me, you'll all be in trouble.

I go Martha.

Cheer all you want, Doctor.

She is in trouble.

Big fucking trouble.

Commence the upgrade.

Hello, human.

Cybersemen! Me?

A cybersemen?

Oh, no, I'm just a Sibian machine.

Oh.

Well, I don't know.

You see, Doctor, the Earth people will be upgraded, and we shall have their

forever.

Oh, they will, will they?

Why are you looking at me like that?

You owe me one, if you know what I mean.

Tim!

Psydo -Simon shutdown sequence initiated.

Crabby, Frank, Freddy, Steve, John, Seth.

What did you do? What did you do?

Sounds good.

Good.

I don't think so.

I've been frozen.

You've been screwed.

But you are both different versions of the same doctor at the same time.

We sexuals have a pretty good grasp of time travel, too.

This is all wrong.

We contaminated the doctor.

The doctor got it on with our cyberbar slut, and she uploaded a virus while he

downloaded his phone.

Yes, you did.

But we're a clever boy.

You see, when you went back in time, so did I, and I created a retrovirus that

this handsome fellow, who sits winky to inserts into your virus, and knock your

virus out.

Which, of course, will shut the lot of you down.

And the point is... Never mess with... The Doctor!

The Doctor thinks they have won.

I think we have more than one. Don't you?

Absolutely.

The Doctors do not understand cybersemen.

You will not stop coming until human domes and love tracks are upgraded.

Unthrown.

Pardon me!

Future me. I will always love me.

Don't worry.

You have me.

A doctor never can die.

Um, I think that you're thinking of a goonie.

Thank you for ruining a moment, Jacket.

No!

I've lost my doctor again.

Hey, hey, you know what?

Why don't you think back on all the times that you had with the doctor?

that'll help you feel better.

Yeah, you're right.

Like, remember when we saw him get shot and die?

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Let it go.

He's gone.

He's gone.

That sexy old son of a bitch is dead.

No, I can't believe it.

Hang on.

Didn't he used to have one of his old hands lying around? Because we could use

that to bring him back.

Yeah, I've got to be honest. I pretty much wore that through.

Oh, shit.

I guess there's no chance of him coming back now.

Yeah, I don't think he's going to be coming anywhere anymore.

Well, that's good then. He's dead. He's really gone. He's not breathing.

He's not moving.

He's... Just she.

Doctor, you're alive!

The doctor's hot.

What were you expecting, an old man?

This would be ridiculous.

Why would they miss the opportunity to cast a woman or a minority in the world

to better reflect... Oh.

Oh, they weren't that way, had they? Okay, well, we can get it right.

Onwards and upwards, that's what I'd say.

Would I say that?

Oh, it's so good to see you, Doctor.

I've got boobs.

Boobs. I've got boobs.

I've got nipples. That's a nice touch. I quite like that. We're so glad you're

not dead.

I'm a sex lord. I don't die. I just regenerate.

Does regenerating make anyone else horny?

Well, now you mention it.

Let's dance.

Brilliant. I was at the time on a trip to Clowndown.

amazing I've got some experience well I think

it just goes show me how to use this a long time ago

Do you like having a pussy now?

I do, I think.

Can you show me how to use it?

Sure.

I'm going to get this off. Yeah.

Do you want to help me out, Jack? I would love that.

You like having boobs now? I do.

I think I do.

She's a good kid.

I do.

Wow.

Right here.

watching the movie.