Original subtitles

Morning, gareth.

Muppets.

I've not given up on the idea of going to

university. It's not like I'm never gonna go,

it's just that I've been made senior sales rep, which is a great opportunity for me.

There's now people coming in from swindon, which is

a new and exciting sort of venture for me as well.

I'm 30. Time to grow up, basically. It's that simple.

Listen. I suggest we put this down as a lesson.

You have this stuff over to me by three o'clock today. Three o'clock today please.

Allright? Then we'll say no more about it. All right?

Ok. See ya.

Gareth keenan. Who's that?

Oggy!

Oggy oggy oggy! Oink oink oink! Oggy oggy oggy! Oink oink oink!

Oggy... oggy... Oggy oggy oggy! Oink oink oink!

See you later.

- Do you still keep in touch with oggy? - That was oggy just then.

- Was it? How is he? - He's fine. You don't even know him.

- No. I wish I did. He sounds great. - He is, actually.

One thing though. When you're on the phone could

you keep the pig impersonations down to a minimum?

Yeah. Here we go. I've told you before, you can't tell me what to do, I'm team leader.

Well listen gareth. I'm senior sales rep, so yes I can.

Team leader beats senior sales rep.

No it doesn't. My job title actually means something, gareth.

Yeah? I got a pay rise. I'm on a new scale. Team leader don't mean anything mate.

Excuse me, it means I'm leader of a team.

No it doesn't. It's a title someone's given you to get you

to do something they don't want to do for free. Right?

It's like making the div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it.

- I think they do. - No they don't, gareth.

Yes, they do. Coz if people were rude to me, then I

used to give them their milk last, so it was warm.

Allright?

Oh, no...

I found that. Look at that. Inside paper.

It's the trade magazine for the paper industry. My ugly mug on the front!

Embarrassing.

All right.

He's put me off what I was doing. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Making the phone calls.

Don't...

Dawn, someone's coming to collect that later, so, if you could...

Lee, I wouldn't get caught behind there today, mate,

coz there's new people coming in and top brass are milling about, so.

- I'm going anyway, mate. See ya. - Bye.

I'm sorry about that. I've got to supervise everything

and make sure it's all sort of... you know.

You haven't visited for ages.

Yeah. Well I'm busy now, sort of a bit snowed under.

- But you're all right, though? - Yeah I'm fine. You?

- Mmm. Did you...? - Your phone.

- It's all go! - This is Neil.

- Neil godwin. - Hi.

Neil is Jennifer's replacement. He's sort of overseeing the..

I'm David's boss.

- Just a little bit above me and that's.. - I'm uk manager.

I was sort of David's equivalent in swindon,

and um, doing the same kind of job as him.

Obviously my branch closed and now my staff are coming here.

So I'm essentially David's boss, looking after him.

Looking after's the wrong term to use because

we're both... good to meet you though.

- We have met before. Ipswich conference. - Oh, God. I was a leetle bit drunk!

- For most of the week as I remember. - Doesn't sound like me, does it, dawn?

Anyway... come into my boudoir.

- Ooh! Is Jennifer with you? - No. She's on her way, apparently.

Part-timer.

Monkey!

Just an example of the laughs we have here - for one.

Sure, we're in potentially traumatic times,

but they are exciting times with the merger.

Things move fast. Only two weeks ago, I was telling

them at the party, I'd decided to stay after all,

and you saw how relieved they were at that.

But we've had a personnel change of 20-25%, people coming and going.

Redundancies - some voluntary, some involuntary, which is always hard.

I had to let my p.A. Go. Last in, first out.

Which was really sad. That was upsetting.

I'm coping. I rolled with the punch. And it

turns out dawn can do a lot of it anyway, so..

I'm sure there's gonna be plenty of time for this

later. I just thought I'd give you some of this now.

Is that in your way? You can put some of it down there because I'll move that.

Oh, God. Look at that. Stupid.

Get uk manager of the month, inside paper, and pull a daft face. Typical.

- You look quite young there. - Yep. Photogenic..Sort of natural..

- It's 18 months old. - Yeah.

I mean to throw that out..I got it out today to throw it away. Definitely.

- Look at that. - Inside paper inside the paper bin!

Recycle that. It's a shame coz...

Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

- Hello... - Want a biscuit?

Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

Good, innit?

Do you know this little thing we're doing lunchtime?

Just a welcome do for the new swindon lot.

Just to meet and greet, and uh.. I'll be doing a speech, so no heckling.

I've got a joke you can use.

Well you don't used to do jokes but go on.

All right. It's Christmas dinner. Royal family having a Christmas dinner.

Camilla Parker-bowles goes, "ok, we'll play 20 questions.

I'll think of something, you have to ask me questions and guess what it is."

So what she's thinking is a black man's cock.

Trust Camilla. It's not racist, is it?

No. So, prince Philip goes, "is it bigger than the bread bin?" She goes, "yeah."

Prince Charles goes, "is it something I can put it in my mouth?" She goes, "yeah."

The queen goes, "is it a black man's cock?"

- She's guessed it from those clues! - Straightaway.

Oh God. That's the sort of stuff I write. Well I mean,

you didn't write it, you just told it. But you know..

Well done. So do it again.

Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

Look forward to this!

Big day today. The swindon mob are arriving.

I've laid on a little do for them. Part of the job.

- Hi. My names Sheila. - Hi, Sheila.

If you're asking what vibe I'm gonna lay down,

it's gonna be a very much..It's just a chill-out,

let's get to know each other type of vibe.

- Nice to see you. Settling in all right? - Oh. Kisses everyone. Means less.

Jennifer's coming back just to oversee the transition.

Very much holding Neil's hand. Daunting for him. Uh..Sure.

Ooh. Oh no. Dawn you know I don't drink! Eh?

She gave me some wine and I went, "you know I don't drink!"

- Do you not drink? - He says, "do I not drink?"

- Yeah. He drinks. - Right. Ok.

Just a little bit.

All right? Take a chair - not literally!

Ladies first.

Here we go.

You put the chairs out yourself? It's great.

Yes. It's worth the effort.

Right. You gonna say a few words out there?

Just a few. Not really much.

Don't be nervous. Just keep it short and bring me on. Enjoy the show.

Some people are intimidated when talking to

large numbers of people in an entertaining way.

Not me. I've had experience, so um..

One at a coventry conference, some of us put on a little review,

I was the main thing and I did impressions of

the conference co-ordinator, Eric hitchmo.

And uh, he talks like this and he always says one thing.

"I don't agree with that in the workplace." Ask them. And I did him as famous people.

The compere would go, "my liutenant colombo"

and I'd come out in a Mac, and I'd go:

"Yeah one final thing. My wife loves you... but

I don't agree with that in the workplace!"

And I did him as basil fawlty.

"I think I mentoned it once but I got away with it...

And I don't agree with that in the workplace!"

And they were cracking upp and he loved it because it was nothing vicious.

Some "comedians" would have picked another stuff you know, been more nasty.

Like he's got a withered hand, like Jeremy beadle. I didn't mention it. No need.

Ok hello, everyone. For those of you who don't know me, my name's Neil godwin.

For those of you that do know me, keep shtum.

I'm a man of simple pleasures.

I don't need lovely houses, beautiful girls and

classy restaurants, so good job I moved to slough!

No, it's great to be in slough, really it is. I've just spent a year in beirut.

I know David is feeling a bit worried about taking on all these new staff

because. As manager it's gonna mean a lot more responsibility.

He'll now have to delegate twice as much work!

But there will be perks for him.

I'm sure he's looking forward to having a whole new group of men underneath him.

Anyway here's the man at the top of the pile, David Brent.

Thanks. Right, you know he was saying there, about

me being top of the pile of men - saying I'm gay.

I'm not gay. In fact, I can honestly say I've never come over a little queer!

Let's uh, get to the real stuff. That was just... he's putting me off.

Welcome to slough to the new people. My name's David Brent.

And I've always been in the paper industry, haven't I? Yeah.

My parents owned a paper shop - until it blew away! Coz it was paper.

There's better ones than that. Ok.

Yeah. I'm not used to public squeaking. I piss pronunciate a lot of my worms.

Ooh.

Thats "the 2 ronnies". Do you not now that? That is classic stuff.

Turn the phone off. That's part of it. If you're not

concentrating, you're not gonna enjoy it as much.

Focus. Ok. Anyway, good to have you all here from swindon.

Coz I hear they dropped an atomic bomb on swindon - about 15 quid worth of damage.

Right. Ok.

That's... right.

Good job Eric hitchmo isn't here. You what he'd say, "I

don't agree with that in the workplace." Wouldn't he?

Imagine if Eric was a Los Angeles detective.

It'd be a bit weird, wouldn't it?

"Yeah. One final thing. My wife loves you but

I don't agree with that in the workplace."

What's that, Eric? You've given up being a Los Angeles detective

and you've started running a hotel in torquay?

"Yes! Don't mention the war, I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it

and I don't agree with that in the workplace!"

I don't agree with that in the workplace!

Do you know who Eric hitchmo is? Who's been to the coventry conference?

Right. So, do you not know Eric hitchmo?

Yeah, but I didnt know he talks like that.

Doesnt he, gareth??

I prefer the stuff you do about his little hand.

- I don't do stuff about his little hand. - You do. The wanking claw.

Has everyone heard of Harry Enfield? Has everyone heard of Harry Enfield?

- Yes. - Right. Ok. Then, who's this?

"I do not believe you wanted to do that. Only me!"

Oh, come on!

You try something and that's...

- Um.. Thanks, David. - Eh?

- Thanks. - Whatever. Just...

Ok. There's plenty of wine and snacks left through there

so if you want to help yourselves to anything else..

Thanks.

- I see you've got the wheelchair. - I have, yeah.

I've got a mate who's got a wheelchair. Well

he's not me mate, I don't like him much.

- I feel all right, yeah. - It looks good. Looks very smart.

Cheers. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Sorry. Excuse me. Dawn. I've just realised you've been off reception for an hour and..

I don't know if we're missing calls or what. Could you check?

Check the messages. Is that all right? Thanks very much mate. Cheers.

As long as it's comfy...

Hi.

Lunchtime gigs are the worst. I don't think Neil warmed you up, to be honest.

He's not a professional comedian.

He was funny though.

Often an amateur will stitch up a professional.

Here's one I should have told you. The royal family. Christmas day. At lunch.

Camilla goes, "let's play a game. Let's play "20 questions".

I'll think of something and you've got to guess what I'm thinking of."

And what she's thinking of is a black man's cock.

So Charles goes, "is it bigger than the bread bin?" "Yes."

Philip goes, "can I put it in my mouth?" "Yes."

So the queen goes, "is it a black...?" Hiya.

- Sorry. Were you telling a joke? - No. That was it.

What did the queen say?

What was the joke?

It's about the royal family playing "20 questions".

It's not the black man's cock one, is it?

- It might be, but... bad, isn't it? - It's all right. It's funny.

Harmless. Well done.

Have you all met this little lady... This lady?

It's a shame this had to happen on neils first day, but

I've just had a complaint from one of the new intake.

- What complaint? - I can't believe that you think the

way to welcome people is by telling racist jokes.

Wrong. No way. He'd heard it before. He thought it

was funny, so I don't know why he's complaining now.

He? It was a woman.

I assumed it was the... new guy.

Whoever it is, it's wrong, coz it isn't racist.

What is it?

- The joke? - The gist of it.

- It won't be funny now. - I don't care. What's the content?

Royal family, sitting at home, Christmas day.

And uh, Camilla goes, "let's play a game.

"I'll think of something and you have to guess what I'm thinking of."

And what she's actually thinking of a is a black man's cock.

So Charles goes, "is it bigger than the bread bin?" Camilla goes, "yup".

So Philip goes, "can I put it in my mouth?" Camilla goes, "yup".

So the queen goes, "is it a black man's cock?"

And he's heard it before. So that's the sort of... yeah.

I can see someone would find that offensive.

It's not racist though, is it? I don't say anything bad about black people.

It's about a black man's cock.

Why is that racist? It just happens to be a black man's cock.

No, you're using the stereotype that all black men have

large penises because you think that makes it funnier.

It's not an insult though, is it? It's a compliment if anything.

So what you're saying is that black people ought to be flattered that

their only achievement in this world is having oversized genitalia?

I'm saying they shouldn't be ashamed of 'em.

It's a myth.

I don't know Jennifer. I could show you a magazine where, literally...

Could you?

Well I haven't got it with me but.. When are you next in?

I could change it. I could just say big cock and not mention the colour.

Well you could or you could save those jokes for

your free time and not tell them in the workplace.

It was his joke. He told me it.

Whatever, David. Let's leave it there. You've heard my

opinion on the matter. Now shall we go back outside?

She's uh.. You ought to be careful because some of

them can be a little bit sensitive, you know, so...

- Sorry? Who can? - Some... people...

Can take things the wrong way - oh! As an actress said to a bishop!

That's not a gay stereotype. I'm not saying

that's the wrong way. I'm saying it's a way.

Some women like it the wrong way. And they're straight.

It doesn't matter if you're straight.. Or gay, you know. A lot of people are.

One in ten, apparently. That seems a bit high. Doesn't it?

But you know, you might be... If you are, good luck to you.

Just make sure it's legal and be safe. Ok?

That's it, see. A lot of people can't keep up

with what words are acceptable these days and what words aren't.

It's like my dad, for example. He's not as Cosmopolitan or as educated as me

and it can be embarrassing.

He doesn't understand new trendy words. Like he'll say "poofs" instead of "gays".

"Birds" instead of "women", "darkies" instead of "coloureds".

- All right, Tim? - Yes, thanks, Keith.

- Hi. - Sorry. I didn't mean to...

You got a t-shirt with "pot my pink" on it.

- Play snooker? - Not that way.

- So it's... Rachel? - Tim.

- Well done. - Gareth keenan. Gareth keenan.

Hiya.

Keith.

Thanks very much. Good luck.

- Hi Jenny. So you've met Oliver? - Yes.

Good lad. We were having a laugh earlier, weren't we?

What? Oh yeah.

Did you like that joke I told about theroyal family?

Yeah. It was funny.

David, we've talked about this. I think I've made myself perfectly clear.

Yup. Interesting.

I'll see you later, David. Goodbye.

She should chill out a bit more, should't she.

Maybe a bit of the old ganja, know what I mean?

Course you do. Meetings would be different, wouldnt it?

"Yes David, I've called this meeting coz I want you to

go down the 24 hour carriage and get me some hobnobs!"

Like in Scooby doo, all those Scooby snacks.

That's because he's got the munchies, innit?

Dooby dooby doo! "Raggy!"

I was not advocating the use of drugs. I was talking to someone on their level.

Because I can communicate with people from all walks of life.

- Olive? - Mm.

- Snacks. - So when did you come up?

Saturday.

Saturday.

Was it your mum or your boyfriend drove you?

- No. My brother came up with me. - Ok.

Have you got ties in swindon or are you starting again up here?

- I'll be going back weekends. - All right. Ok.

Sorry. So have you got a boyfriend or not?

No, I haven't.

- I think I left my drink.. Just gonna.. - See you in a bit.

Tim, I know you don't mean to but you're sort of cramping my style a bit.

- What? - I'm planning to get off with her, so..

Are you jok... gareth what if I liked her?

I saw her first mate.

And how does that work?

You've won the argument doing that, have you?

Yeah. Of course. That's won the argument.

Everyone's nice.

- Hi. - Hi.

- They came for the package. - Oh they came did they?

- No problem. - Cool.

- I'm so bored. - Are you?

Do you want to wind up gareth for a bit?

I don't think we should. He's a bit busy.

- So? - So am I, dawn, actually.

So should you be.

- Is that where you're going to? - Mh-hm. A few things I need.

Dawn. Hello. Guess I've been checking my diary. I've

been overlooking something. So have you, actually.

There's a 20 minute window I've got here. It says to "wind up gareth with dawn."

So shall we do that? Shall we?

- This way, please, madam. - Oh no please. I'm not

in the mood. I'm working. - Just a quick one.

Did you see that film last night? "Gay lords say no"?

No.

Sorry. Hello. Could I have a quick word with everyone?

I'm mainly talking to the swindon lot here.

Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. Yeah?

You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier.

You've got to chill out. Yeah? Trust me. This is what I do. All right?

You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant. Fact.

And you'll never have another boss like me - someone

who'se basically a chilled-out entertainer.

Now, some of you maybe didn't understand the jokes I was

making, and misinterpreted one and went to Jennifer.

Ok. Little bit annoyed that you thought you'd go to Jennifer and not me.

Who was it that complained? And it's not a witch hunt. Just, who was it that..?

Two of you. Good.

Why did you think you'd go to Jennifer but not me?

Coz I don't know you and I didn't like the kind of joke you were telling.

And I don't think somebody in your position should be laughing at black people.

Funny that only two of you thought that, out of everyone, but you know..

I didn't like it either.

Right. Proves my point. Swindon. You're new. You don't know me.

I'm not new and I find it quite offensive.

He didn't.

But what's he got to do with it?

Well if he doesn't mind us laughing at him, what harm's been done?

But why is it that only black people should be offended by racism?

Good point. First sensible thing you've said all day.

Because I say, come one, come all, we're all the same, yeah? Let's...

So is that why you've only got one black guy in the whole organization?

Wrong. Indian fella in the warehouse.

And there use to be one Indian fella, used to work up

here. Lovely chap. He left. Didn't like it. Up to him.

If I had my way the place would be full of 'em. Woulnd't it, gareth?

- Well, half and half. - You are half and half, aren't you?

- I'm mixed race. Yes. - That is my favourite. Yeah?

That is what I'm trying to ach.. That's the melting pot. Please.

So there's your racist for you.

So...

- He said melting pot! Oh, my God! - He did!

- He didn't actually do the fingers. - Come on. Let's just get on.

Come on please. Let's just love each other.

# What David needs is a great big melting pot... #

Lee!

Dawn?

All right.