Original subtitles

I'm not thinking about it, I'm doing it.

I'm leaving to go back to university

to learn about more than the price of opti-bright laser copy paper.

- 298 a gram. - 24o a gram. Check the list.

I didn't hear you. What are you going to study?

Psychology.

Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? They're all mad.

I want to be a psychologist.

Same difference. If you're so clever, what am I thinking about?

You're thinking, "how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?"

- No. - No.

You're thinking, "if I crash land in a jungle, can I eat my own shoes?"

- No, and you can't. - What are you thinking?

I was just thinking, "will there ever be a boy born

"who can swim faster than a shark?"

All right?

Oh, midday. Are you just getting in?

No. I'll be here in about an hour.

About an hour. You're already here.

Who am I, then, Dixon of dock green?

- What? - Evening, all.

- Brilliant. - Sorry I'm late.

Not so worried about that, but while you're lodging with me,

your parents have entrusted me with their most valuable possession - you.

Yeah?

Ipso facto.

Trust received, responsibility given and taken. Yeah?

I'm your guardian. You stayed out all night.

You stayed with a friend, fine. I'm annoyed her parents didn't call me.

- His parents weren't in. - It's a bloke, so what?

Come on. God. Chill out, shall we, please?

You know... girlfriend happens to be a boy.

- I could stay at dawn's... - No, you couldn't.

I could if I got off with... off at... Got off at the wrong bus stop.

- I could. I'd be on the floor... - We spent some time on the floor.

For a good reason, probably.

More room.

Just go free. Come on. Jesus.

- But if I did stay at dawn's... - Which you couldn't.

- You could stay at mine. - I don't want to stay at yours.

The point is, if I did stay at dawn's...

There'd be no funny business. There was none, fine...

Apart from all the sex, but we'll do it at your place next time.

It wasn't anyone in the office, was it?

Yes. I slept with someone in the office, everybody!

Show's over. Good. Well done. That's fine.

Don't even... it's not that... Oh...

Oh...

I'd let you stay at mine.

I'm getting a secretary because I need one. So...

The lucky contestants are...

All right?

- This is Stuart foot. - Hello, Stuart.

- Karen roper. - Mr Brent.

I don't know a mr Brent. David.

She'll brighten up the place, won't she?

If she gets the job. So will you. Because you're both equal.

No foregone conclusion. Based on interview... and merit.

It is up to me, ultimately, but good luck.

You'll do well to impress me. Nurse, the polaroid!

Just for um...

Just for er... sit down. To take a snapshot.

Just for the files. I'll do it. I'll do it.

Let's get that lovely smile on...

I'll come down here.

That's nice. Oh, the hair all...

Lovely. That looks nice. Lovely blue eyes.

Ok. Big smile.

That was lovely. Just give that a minute.

Look at that. Do one of you as well.

Good.

- Good. - We're doing Stuart first.

Let's get him out the way. Follow me.

Good.

Stuart foot.

What is that?

Money don't make my world go round. I'm reaching out to a higher ground.

- Is that a philosopher? - Desree.

The singer?

# Money don't make my world go round

# I'm reaching out to a higher ground

# to a warm and peaceful place

# I-I-I I can rest my weary face. #

- I don't think I... - # 'cause we're living

# in a crazy maze. #

Why do you want to work here? Shoot.

Yeah. The "bosses" are panicking.

They're going, "oh, cut back, lose staff.

"That's the way forward. That'll save money." Will it?

Who's to say that hiring staff won't save money in the long run?

Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle?

No. He turns up in a newer car. Perception, yeah?

They've got to trust me. I'm taking them into battle,

and I'm doing my own stapling.

A sergeant major spends his time training his men to be killers.

He doesn't Polish his own boots.

He probably does Polish his own boots,

but, you know, that doesn't mean...

It doesn't mean I have to do my own filing.

Hi. Are you ready to see Karen roper now?

Yeah.

- Thank you. - Hi.

Hello.

- Sit down. - Ok.

No. I've got one over here for you.

Good.

Right.

The interview.

What have we got here? Hmm.

Karen roper.

Curriculum vitae.

Just looking at this. Checking it out.

Good. Tell me about yourself.

Um... well, I did gcses and a-levels and...

Too boring. Tell me about yourself.

Ok. Well, I'm quite into films and music.

Yeah?

Desree?

- I don't really know... - Let's put that down.

Last year, I took a year out and I went travelling.

- Exploring... - Exploring yourself.

And Asia.

- Was this with your boyfriend? - No. On my own.

Just by yourself out there. Free.

Getting what you can while you're young.

I don't know when...

You've charmed me, yeah? You've got the job.

Think of a decision, I make it.

Work out your notice and I'll put you on a month's probation.

- That's just to see if we... - Ok.

Yeah? Good. Good.

Out tonight celebrating, I suppose?

Er, yeah. Going to... do you know the chasers?

Oh, I don't believe it.

If you see three debauched drunkards in the corner, keep away from us!

No, come over. The drinks will be on me. In me!

- What time are you there? - It's not definite...

No. Come down. Definitely. What's your tipple?

Vodka and coke.

Me - lager.

Finchy - lager. Gareth - lager, sometimes cider. So...

Different drinks for different needs.

Yeah.

Good. Well done.

- Congratulations. - Thanks.

New secretary. Good.

Efficient.

- So have you resigned, then? - Yeah. I have to make it official.

You embarrassed yourself by asking dawn out.

I didn't. Why does everyone think...? It was as a friend.

- Right. - Just as a friend.

Hi, Donna. How's it going? Settling in?

Who left that there?

Um...

Yeah. There's a health and safety seminar later on,

which I'd like you to attend. Compulsory, I'm afraid.

That's not to say it won't be fun.

I like to inject my own sense of fun into it.

Two o'clock in the meeting room.

See you there.

Just looking at the booklet at the moment?

Yeah.

- What did you see on TV yesterday? - I watched a video.

- I watched "peak practice". - I've never seen it.

- Bloody repeat. - Yeah. Annoying, isn't it?

Not for me. I hadn't seen it.

Boring, isn't it? Staying in watching "peak practice" with your life.

- Yeah. - Not for me. I like it.

Yeah. I just stayed in, had a big wank.

- That should be enough. - Yeah. Fine.

- The information's elsewhere. - He won't read it.

Despite having done it twice.

I'll have to get my p45 from my other job.

Ok.

Brent, just roper to beat!

I bloody love football, don't I?

Service, barman.

Lager. Vodka and coke. Gave her the gig.

Oh, the dreaded form. Does it say whether you're married or single?

It doesn't matter. Bring your boyfriend tonight.

- I don't have one. - Whatever.

- Oh, sorry! - Oh!

Sorry. It is a man's game. That is... That is... yeah.

- I can't see. - Accidental.

Sorry.

That's why they shouldn't get involved, really.

- Hi. - Hello. All right?

- Yeah. I was just... - I've got to go in a sec.

- No. I can eat here. - Of course.

So we should go for that drink.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- You, me and Lee. - The three of us.

I can probably get someone to come along. Good.

- Er, in the next few weeks? - Definitely.

- Right. I'll just check with Lee. - Yeah. Absolutely. Of course.

- Gareth. - All right?

How are you, mate?

Good to see you.

Were you trying to get off with her?

Ok. Welcome to wernham hogg health and safety training

with gareth keenan. Ok?

That's me. Pleased to meet you.

There are many hidden dangers in the workspace

and we're going to find out what those dangers are together.

Starting off with your workstation.

Now, I want you to imagine that this is a mug of hot coffee.

It's not, because that would be dangerous even in training.

What we're going to do is play a little fun game that I've made up.

I like to have a bit of fun when I'm teaching people.

I like a laugh most of the time - in and out of work.

- Some us are going out tonight... - Shall we crack on?

Good. Keen. Excellent.

All right. Now watch where I place this mug...

In order to simulate where someone might put a mug in real life.

What I want you to do is shout out - shout, mind - "safe" or "dangerous."

Think you could manage that?

Ok. Let's go.

Dangerous.

Dangerous.

- What have we learnt? - Don't pour coffee on the computer.

Any fluids. Right? Good.

First-class, please.

- Are you all right? - Eh?

- Are you all right? - Yeah. Fine, thanks.

Have you had a good morning or a bad morning?

A bit of a... oh, God, a bit of a mad morning.

- Never mind. - See you later.

Ok.

Basically, there's a correct way and an incorrect way to lift stuff.

This is the incorrect way.

Ok? Incorrect.

The correct way. Two things to remember.

Keep your back nice and straight. Straight back.

And bend your knees.

Keep your back straight and bend your knees. Right?

Very important.

Do you want to try that with me?

I'm fine.

I'm supposed to witness you do it so I can tick the box.

Just do it with me a couple of times.

Right. So nice straight back, bend your knees...

Up. That's it.

Same on the way down as on the way up.

Down again.

Good. One more time.

Nice straight back. That's it.

That's it. Great.

One more time. So have you got that?

I'll practise it at home.

Excellent. Good. Well done.

If you have any questions

or if you want to talk about anything at all...

I know you've um...

- You slept with Jeff. - Are we done?

- You made a mistake... - I haven't.

I'm just checking whether you're going to be spreading it around...

Right. Bye.

Good.

Yeah.

Excellent pupil. Fast learner.

She won't be spilling any fluids or lifting things incorrectly.

"A" I'm going to give her.

"A."

Quick question. I've got these invoices to file and I don't know...

- Yes? - Where do I file these?

- I don't know. - Excellent. Thanks.

(Gareth) It's not as l'f she's your daughter,

but that's not the point. It's the principle. It was about respect.

Showing a bit of respect.

And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws. So...

Show them respect by being the law.

She's legal though. When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking,

- when girls are 16, they're... - Gareth.

- You heard that one. - Well...

Are you going to fire the person she shag... slept with?

It's a free country. I can't do anything about it.

So you won't fire them, as such?

- I won't look on him favourably. - Or her. It could be a girl.

She's not a lesbian, gareth.

I think I'd know if a woman living under my roof

liked to roll around with other women.

Gareth? Don't you?

Yup. Most probably.

Spoke to you at five, get the call at six from the lads,

drinks at eight in the chasers.

- Spare bird going. - Not for long!

So I get there, she's aged 19. Ferrari chassis,

fantastic-sized shelves, and legs up to her arse.

Muchos tequilas later, I'm in a cab with her.

And my mate's bird wants to get a lift with me and this nympho.

- Finchy! - There I am, back of the cab,

both of them with their laughing gear round the pump-action rifle.

Got back to mine, two hours sleep, yeah?

Today, I bump into the mate whose bird I've done...

Sold him two ton of high white.

He says to me, "you look knackered."

And he looks like he's had a pot noodle and a wank.

I'd have said that to him.

I shit you not. I'm seeing both of them tomorrow night.

- Coming out tonight though? - Definitely.

Are you coming, jobless?

Yeah. If only for the conversation.

Pot noodle and a wank!

(Tim) I don't know where we're gol'ng tonl'ght,

obvl'ously, fl'nchy's a sophl'stl'cated guy,

and gareth's a culture vulture,

will it be opera, ballet? I don't know.

I know the rsc's in town, so...

Having said that, at chasers,

it's a hooch for a pound and wonderbras get in free night, so...

I don't know. It's exciting. I'm staying out of it.

(Dance music: "Out of your mind" by the truesteppers)

Gar�on!

- Who wants a Finch pinch? - What?

Chris Finch, good to meet you. This is my friend sir David Brent.

Joking. The only knighthood he's got's a condom.

Night-hood.

- Condom. - I'm saying the joke worked.

Condoms come in all different flavours now, don't they?

Like strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?

What are your names?

I'm lorna. This is Lindsey and Heather.

Pleased to meet you. Nice to meet you.

And very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet all of you. Anyone's fine.

(Music: "Spinning around" by Kylie Minogue)

Nice shirt.

Cheers. Ciro citterio.

While you're down there, love.

You know what they say - one up the bum, no harm done.

- You not heard that before? - Yeah.

Christ, that'll do.

If you're looking for a seat, you can sit on my face!

Not her. She's staying with me. Her dad'll kill me.

- Leave it. - You lucky bastard.

Hey, do you want something hard?

Don't. Do it to other girls. Please, just...

(Gareth) We go there every Wednesday nl'ght, it's a fun place,

but it's full of loose women.

And my only problem with that is venereal disease,

which is disabilitating.

Especially for a soldier.

And it's irresponsible to your unit.

You've been under attack for days,

there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in.

"Who's used all the penicillin?"

"Mark Paxton, sir. He's got knob rot off some tart."

Coming through.

R-aargh!

Don't worry. I haven't got any balls.

Vodka and coke. Remembered.

What am I drinking?

- Lager? - Pint thereof.

They're coming up to me one at a time and going,

"will we be made redundant, David?"

I'm going, "no. Over my dead body."

They're going, "don't put your neck on the line." "I will if I want to."

They bend over backwards for me,

and not because they're scared of me,

but because they love me and I love them. You know?

You'll grow to love me as well - not because of anything sexual...

- Hey, David. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, what bike you got?

- A matchless 5oo. - Is that a harley Davidson?

- I love all that. - Leave it.

(Tim) Slough's nl'ghtll'Fe l's l'ncredl'ble,

it's got two nl'ghtclubs - chasers

and New York New York,

they call it "the nightclub that never sleeps." That closes at one.

There is... there was... oh, my God.

..A themed nightclub called Henry viii's, right?

It was incredible. It had the Ann bow-ling alley.

This is true.

As you went into the loo, there was a sign that said "mind your head."

And underneath someone had written "don't get your Hampton court."

Yeah. It's not there anymore.

But not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

Who are you?

Have you not met my husband Paul?

Husband?

Is it all right if gareth comes back?

- Fine. - Husband?

No way. No. I don't... not interested. No.

I'm not having another fella involved. Another girl, maybe.

I wouldn't even want him watching.

No way.

(Music: "Tainted love" by soft cell)

Hi.

- Hey. All right, mate. - How's it going? Good to see you.

- So now you know. - Yeah. Brilliant.

You got a problem with Ricky?

No. Sleep with everyone.

He's not even permanent. I'd have preferred gareth.

- Wouldn't happen. - 'Cause he didn't go to university?

No, because he's a weasel-faced arse.

You could do worse than gareth. He hasn't missed one day from illness.

And don't call him an arse-faced weasel.

- A weasel-faced arse. - Same.

Would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel?

A weasel, probably.

Fuck this. Don't tell me who I can and can't see.

I hope you won't be sleeping with someone if sex is so disgusting.

Fat chance. He couldn't pull in a brothel.

I could and I have! I'll take her home if I want.

- I don't want to. - She doesn't want to.

I don't want you to. That's wasted an hour.

Is that why you've been talking to me - you want to shag me?

Yeah, and from behind because your breath stinks of onions.

Whoo! One up the bum, no harm done.

No. Not up the arse.

(David ) Thl's l's the poem "slough" by sl'r John betj'eman,

probably never been here,

"come, friendly bombs, and fall on slough.

"It isn't fit for humans now."

You don't solve town planning problems by dropping bombs,

so he's embarrassed himself there.

"In labour-savl'ng homes wl'th care

"thel'r wl'ves frl'zz out peroxl'de hal'r,

"and dry l't l'n synthetl'c Al'r, and pal'nt thel'r nal'ls, " to look nl'ce,

why's he got a...? Doesn't he like girls?

"And talk of sports and makes of cars l'n varl'ous bogus tudor bars,

"and daren't look up and see the stars, but belch l'nstead, "

what's he on about? He's never burped?

- Where are we going? - What? I'm going home, mate.

- One more drink. - I'm going home, David.

One more drink. # life! Oh, life!

- # Oh, life! # - don't do that.

"Come, frl'endly bombs, and fall on slough,

"to get l't ready for the plough,

"the cabbages are coming now.

"The earth exhales..." He's the only cabbage.

# So what becomes of you, my love,

# when they have finally stripped you of

# the handbags and the gladrags

# that your granddad had to sweat so you could buy. #

They made him a knight of the realm.

Overrated.