Original subtitles

You know who I got a thing for?

The new anchor on Action News.

Oh, LeBlanc girl. She's cute. Yeah.

Plus, I get an idea that she'd be nice behind the scenes. Like, the crew would

love her. You know what I mean?

Do you know who I got a thing for? Who? The new sports guy on WGN.

That guy? I don't think he's gay, dude.

Oh.

He's gay.

How do you know?

He knows.

He's the dick whisperer.

Yes, I am.

Slept with him last week. Shut up. All right, you two. I need you to go down to

headquarters. You got a new guy coming on the rig. And you best be on time.

I hear he's an ex -Navy SEAL.

No. Oh, no. Come on. You're gonna be a pain in the ass. We need a little

discipline around here. You step up your game a little. Oh, man, my game was

great. I was already in the military.

Yeah, well, whatever. Hey, man, that's what you say. Teach you something. We

need a little discipline around here. Is that what you're calling it these days?

You guys want a tootsie roll?

Eh?

Oh, tootsie roll, tootsie roll.

You are delicious and timeless.

I thought I heard that you were with the Navy SEALs.

Navy? No, no.

Easter SEALs. I volunteered.

This is so cool. First day on the job. Do you guys Facebook?

No. No, I don't Facebook.

I don't do regular books. I eat and I sleep and I stay alive.

He's a very complicated man.

I control technology. I don't let technology control me. Well, that means

he can access online porn from his phone while he's driving.

Yeah, there's got to be some kind of fancy name for that, right? Last time I

checked, it was still called jerking off. Chicago North 115 reported possible

heart attack, corner of Lake and Jefferson.

Ambulance 14, respond.

Here, hold that. Hang on, you. Deal. I know a shortcut.

Oh,

my God. Oh, my God.

Wow.

Here, give me the copy. Might want to say a rosary, too. This is coming from

guy who doesn't believe in God.

I didn't say I don't believe in God. I said I believe that Michael Jordan is

God. Oh, then why aren't you wearing a Scottie Pippen medal around your neck

instead of St. Jude's? Right? It was complicated now, asshole.

The victim appears not to be breathing. I hope you don't download porn to your

phone. Oh, I try to keep my phone away from my dick. He always wants to call my

ass.

He fell down like he was having a heart attack. Is he conscious?

No, he hit his head when he fell.

Make a hole.

Let's move, move, move. Give me some space.

How you doing, buddy?

Buddy, you awake?

Fire up the toaster, Brian.

He doesn't have a pulse.

Hey. Full charge.

Here. Brian? Here, here, here.

Okay.

Brian?

I need the pads.

Here. Come on, goddamn.

Brian?

We're waiting on you, Brian.

Okay.

Clear. Kill the toaster. John?

Give me a second, buddy.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

How you doing?

How did you know that that was a food allergy?

Go, go, go.

Um... Well, the swelling in the lips. He had this rash.

My dad had food allergies. He was allergic to shellfish and peanuts and

marriage, apparently.

Oh, this is my new partner, Danny.

How you doing? Good, how you doing?

This is our new guy, Brian. Hey, how's it hanging, Bri?

It's, uh... Good.

Look, I don't know what she's telling you about me, but... Not a lot.

Really?

Pretty empty.

She really hasn't said anything negative about me at all?

She mentioned the car crash last week. We rescued the driver just seconds

the car exploded. Which was amazing.

What's even more amazing is that he can instantaneously dive into a burning

wreck to save the life of a complete stranger.

But when it comes to moving in with his girlfriend of three years, he remains

undecided. We're on a break.

We need a statement from security.

Nice meeting you, Johnny. You too, Donnie.

Hi. Your vest looks nice today.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

So, are you, uh, okay? I'm, yeah, I'm good.

Good. Uh, you?

Well, I'd say no.

Please tell me I'm not an idiot. You're not an idiot.

She wouldn't have said all that stuff about me to what's -his -face if she

didn't still care about me, obviously.

Alternative theory. It's part of her secret evil plan to get in a new part of

Denzel's pants.

Uh, Danny.

Pretty sure it was Danny. Oh, Denzel to me.

Hot move out of blue, Denzel. We're just a touch of tan, Tyler. You really think

you look like Denzel?

You have on a blue dress, dead ringer, bro?

Bandages. What's your name, sir?

Pete. Okay, Pete, you're doing great. We're gonna patch you up real good now.

got your cell phone here. Who do you call in case of emergency?

My brother.

He's listed under I .C .E. In case of emergency, nicely done, Pete.

Safety goes to you.

I don't think he looked like Denzel. I think he looked like Dennis Rodman,

maybe. That's because you're looking at him through angry ex -boyfriend cock

goggles.

Take it from me, he's your best friend. I was looking at him through single,

extremely horny, gay goggles. He's hot.

Denzel banging Hollywood bitches hot. I'm gay, by the way.

Oh. You seem surprised.

No.

Yes. Who are you?

Teresa, tell your I .C .E.

stupid goddamn question.

You know who I think is a good -looking guy?

Tim Tebow.

Plus, he seems so nice.

What's your ID, Brian?

Uh, my mom.

Your mom? Well, she lives right upstairs.

You still live with your parents?

No. No. They live upstairs. I live downstairs. Whole separate floor. You

girlfriend? I had one. We just broke up.

She, uh, she got too clingy.

Your girlfriend's too clingy?

Tim Tebow was handsome.

You sport, let me guess, something from the Calvin Klein family clones?

Rampage. I got a better shot at getting the pussy tonight than you, and all I'm

thinking about is Denzel's lips.

Can we stop calling him Denzel? I thought he looked like the young, more

Harry Belafonte. How do you even know who Harry Belafonte is?

Because he watches TV with his parents.

You really think he looked like Denzel?

Brian, get us some Gatorades. I want Gatorade Prime, Gatorade Performance, or

Gatorade Recover.

Let's go with yellow.

I like yellow.

I know, I know. Hey, you know, don't judge me. Do you remember how long it

you to get over Jeff the Chef? Two days and a weekend trip to Miami. Which, in

gay man's time, is like six goddamn months.

So not cool, bro.

True, but not cool.

She was my everything.

And yeah, she's still my IT.

Which is ridiculous.

I chucked Jeff the Chef as my ICE a week before I kicked his pretty ass out.

Who's your ICE now?

I haven't decided.

What we should do is we should forget about these girlfriends and these

boyfriends and we should be each other's ICEs.

That's funny.

What, I'm not good enough for you?

Oh, listen.

I want the person I call in a life and death situation to be someone special.

Not Jeff the Chef who cheated on me with a busboy.

Someone honest and true.

Someone who's going to sit there and take my hand, lead me through to the

side.

by leaning down and whispering into my ear, telling me how much they feel and

care about me.

When I leave this earth, I want to feel his loving lips brushing up against my

cheek, saying ever so softly, I love you, Henry, and I shall continue

to love you, always and forever.

Who is that poor Recon busboy with the dreadlocks?

I'll meet you. You love me.

That was beautiful.

Hank, really, really touching stuff.

Um, they only had purple.

Do you want to tell him? We're men, Bri. We don't cry. Three exceptions.

Firstborn kid, the end of Field of Dreams, and the day Mike did could die.

that ever happens, God forbid. It's okay to get misty, right?

No. No.

You can get misty if Dicka's wife dies before he does and you see him talking

about her on ESPN.

Otherwise, misty sounds really, really gay.

Now, who is Dicka?

How's the first day, Brian?

Learning anything?

I'll tell you what I learned. He's not a Navy SEAL and he lives with his

parents. Oh, really?

Hey, separate floor, separate mailbox, guys.

Totally different situation.

Ambulance needed, 742 East Diverse. Hey, bro, you want to report on this call?

You think I'm ready? Why not?

You're brave enough to beat off in your parents' basement.

First time out, guys rarely begin by sticking an entire soda bottle up their

ass. Yeah, usually guys start with something smaller. You didn't have any

zucchini or carrots? I have both, actually. It's just... It's just what? I

planning on making some soup.

Oh.

Uh, Brian, examine the injury.

What? You want to run point?

Take a look.

Brian, how's it look?

It's up there.

It's really up there.

I could have told you that.

Can you get it out?

Look, I don't want to go to the hospital, guys.

Oh, not a problem, sir. Brian, run down to the rig and get the Colovac 5000.

It's in the side storage tank.

Colovac 5000.

Wow. The Colovac 5000, that sounds powerful.

Is it going to hurt?

It's going to hurt a lot.

mainly because it doesn't exist.

Well, he ran like a bat out of hell as soon as you said the name. He's new, and

we are paramedics, sir.

Even if there was a device that sucked soda bottles out of the place we dare

go, our budget wouldn't cover it. We barely get dental, let alone anal.

We're going to the hospital.

Oh, man.

Guys, look, I'll give you two grand if you try to get it out.

Three grand if you have the twink do it.

Slower.

Please, slower. Just a little.

Slow. All right.

For the love of God, please, slower. Just a little bit slower.

Okay.

Please,

just slow down. Have a high.

Hey.

Nice driving, bro.

How's the gravity?

So should we drop you back at home, or would you like to go to the supermarket?

Supermarket? Why?

To get you the pocket bag.

That's not that funny, driver.

What do you want to drink? Not soda.

Not soda.

Anything but soda. Okay.

Oh, hey, guys. Gazelle approaching.

Maybe he should be your IC.

I'd gladly strip down and jump into my deathbed right now.

Hey, guys.

Johnny, Teresa wants to see you outside for a second. You ain't back in five

minutes. I'm eating your sandwich.

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

I just wanted to chat. You know, you were saying before that you were, um...

mean, it just feels like forever since we talked.

Your idea. What'd you call it? Bone truce. Bone truce. Right.

Are you really okay?

Because I've been wondering how you've been handling the whole... Wow, you

incredibly sexy.

Thank you.

A new perfume?

Uh -huh.

It's nice.

It's, uh...

Well, it's very provocative.

I've been trying new things.

Where did you even hear that word?

Provocative? Scrabble. Hank played it. Got like a million points.

You're playing Scrabble. Oh, I'm like a new guy now.

Scrabble, French donuts, yoga.

You're doing yoga? I'm signing up for it. I wanted you to do yoga.

See, I'm showing you.

I can change.

Hey, Johnny.

Yes, I do.

You know what we should do?

What? We should go back to your place tonight.

Watch some DVDs. I can't.

Why not? I'm busy.

Well, make a call. Get on busy. I have a date.

Oh. I mean, that's what we're supposed to be doing, right? Taking a break.

Seeing other people. Right. Yeah.

How many dates you been on?

This is my first one.

You? None. Oh.

But I've gone out a lot with Hank and the guys.

We ate sushi.

We talked to these girls. I tell you, it was one girl for like an hour and a

half. Who's your date with?

No one you know. You've been eating sushi? Twice. I ate it twice.

Is it with Denzel? Who? Your partner. No.

Did he ask you out? Oh, God, don't do this. You asked him out. Oh, my God. You

haven't changed at all.

French donuts. Move in with me.

You know my math on that. Yeah, I know it well.

We've been together. It doesn't work. We break up. How is that any different to

where we are now?

We still like each other now.

Oh, my God.

What am I missing here? Here is another mathematical possibility.

Okay. We move in together, it goes great.

We fall even more deeply in love and realize that we want to get married and

have kids.

Really? The kids thing scares you? You have eight brothers and sisters. When

say kids, it makes me think about living with the entire Cubs pitching staff.

With one major difference, my kids could hold a lead in the ninth.

See, that's why I love her. Then move in with me.

We'll move on.

Hey, you left your phone.

on making it through your first date. Well done, buddy.

Do you need to steal?

Do you need to steal?

Ew. What is this? It's a peach cobbler. I invented it. Ginger ale, lemon zest,

and a dash of peach schnapps.

Keep drinking these. Pretty soon your tits will be bigger than mine.

Hey, go over to the bar and get six beers and six shots of whiskey.

I'm not supposed to drink whiskey. Why not?

Makes me want to dance naked.

Doubles? Get six doubles?

I know. I got my camera phone.

Go! Go!

You gotta go. What? I GPSed Teresa's cell phone, and she's leaving her

right now to go on her date.

Oh, what you did when you and her were fooling around outside the sandwich

She wears Chanel No. 5. You came back inside reeking like you just guest

the game. I didn't pick a gay guy to be my best friend. Oh, it's super gay.

Smug's not a good look on you, sir. Pretty good look. Goes with my eyes.

In my truck. She's going to recognize my truck in your car, so we need to take

Brian's. Brian's never going to go for that. Why not? Because unlike you

miscreants, he's a decent, moral, civilized human being who respects the

of others.

Exactly.

Which is why we've got to get him rid of the shit face.

He's not going to like the taste of that whiskey, though.

Brian!

Add six peach cobblers.

You've been warned.

Are you crazy tonight?

A 94 Subaru, Brian.

Could have hitched a ride on the back of a rickshaw. Got that faster.

Put your clothes on.

Oh, you guys hot?

Hey, let's go swimming, huh?

Last time I saw this much white was at a Coldplay concert. 35 miles per hour. It

won't go any faster.

See, if it hits 40, it starts to shake. It's shaking right now. This is not a

shake. This is a shimmy.

Hey, how awesome is Michael Phelps, guys?

All he's wearing is a Vito now.

This ain't gonna work.

They head out that restaurant, heading back to his place.

The only way we keep it up is if they ride on a box. She's not going back to

this place.

What does it look like?

She said it looks like Matt Damon.

Well, you're going to need a faster car.

Dude's freaking taking her to defend you?

They serve a chocolate galette here drizzled in liquid gold.

You sure it's not the real Matt Damon?

What's a galette? It's like a pudding. It's a cake. A flat, free -form,

expensive goddamn cake.

I'm telling you right now, she's sleeping with this dude tonight.

This the kind of place you take a chick in, let her smell a napkin, she blow you

right there at the table.

She might be blowing the guy right now between appetizing the main course. I

know I would.

Brian, you're supposed to be helping me. I am helping you, brother. I'm telling

you the truth.

None of this would happen if you had paid the right kind of attention to her

instead of laying around the house playing Madden on the Xbox all day.

stop. What are you talking about? You were with me half the time playing Xbox.

So I could sabotage my relationship with Jeff the Chef. I had a master plan. I

knew what I was doing. If you eat gold, does that mean you shit gold?

Brian, shut up.

Why are you taking it out on Brian? I'm not taking it out on Brian. You started

this. Maybe that's what they mean by shitting brick.

Swear to God, buddy.

Hey, you started this by not listening to your chick. And now she's giving

hummus to movie stars in places where they won't let you do the hummus

again. You happy? Oh, my God. Is that the guy?

Oh, my God.

I would consider having oral sex with that man.

I don't think we're going to have sex with Jason Bourne. Did you see that new

Jason Bourne movie with Jeremy Renner where it's like he's not Jason Bourne,

there's a whole program?

I didn't think that you had.

It's so bad.

It's so bad. Did I tell you that she shit -canned me as her IC and put in her

sister?

She despises her sister. I know.

What the hell are we even doing here? You should have mentioned that up front.

It's over, man.

Her using her sister's name is like me using Ann's goddamn culture.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

The guy drives a Lamborghini?

Lord, please, please, Lord.

Don't let her sleep with this guy.

Please, Lord, if you can hear me, let this guy be gay. Hey, they're making

Okay, forget gay. Let him be bi.

She's pushing him away.

Wait, is she?

Yeah, she's giving him a ticket.

Must have been a terrible kiss.

Brian. I know. I'll stop.

Oh, hey.

Is she walking away? Yeah, of course she is. See, because you're too smart to

follow for American Psycho. Hey. Hi. Hi, Teresa.

Why do you smell like peaches?

Because I'm drunk.

Oh, you look so pretty.

Did you just give that guy a ticket?

Yes. His registration was expired.

Which I'd normally let go when on a date with such an incredibly handsome, sexy,

shockingly wealthy dude.

Except for two things. Number one, he wouldn't stop talking about himself. He

was a cocky, arrogant, self -involved asshole, which apparently I seemed to be

attracted to. So I was still going to let him make out with me right there in

the car for probably about 15 minutes.

Because he drives a Lamborghini?

That, and the fact that I knew you guys were out here watching me.

How?

Because I GPSed your phone about two months ago.

Oh.

You know what?

I should never have deleted you as my ICE.

Because who better to call in case of emergency than someone who is already

parked right across the street?

Oh, my God.

Johnny, if only you would put this much thought and energy into our

relationship, it could have ended with us walking home tonight, arm in arm,

totally in love.

Instead, I'll be taking a taxi by myself.

Good night, gentlemen.

Johnny.

Well, who's glad we came?

Wash him down quick, peach fuzz.

Hank's got the rig loaded and ready to roll. He's feeling it up as we speak.

jobs the new kid's supposed to do.

Even with a massive hangover.

Best cure I know for a hangover is jumping in the lake naked.

I need something to drink.

Something without alcohol.

Here.

I think I'm off peaches.

In bars.

And swimming.

I'm sorry for putting you in the middle of the whole Teresa thing, Easter seal.

It was unfair and irresponsible.

No, no, no. That part was awesome.

I've never been on a spy mission before.

Yeah?

Well, in that case, you can join us tonight if you want. She's got another

but she's on GPS or phone, so we need to rent a car and be out in front of her

apartment by 6 to follow her and whoever the hell's coming to pick her up, which

I'm pretty sure is Denzel.

What? Drunk as I was, I clearly recall Teresa saying that she wanted to see

new behavior from you. What did I say? No phone, rental car. Those are not new.

This soda tastes funny. Really? It should.

Seeing as how the bottle it's in spent most of yesterday up some fat guy's ass.

I swallowed it.

No!

Hey. Did you drink it?

Almost the whole bottle.

I take it you didn't tell me it wasn't the actual bottle yet. No, I was going

wait a little while for that, like maybe a month.

I'll see you in five.

See you in a bit.

Forged in the flame when the big bell tolled.

Crawling through the wreckage, the deep dark holes. I might be chasing after

ghosts just to fill up a void until I cover this town like the last man

standing. Everywhere I go, there are desperate souls calling out like a siren

from the belly of the beast, y 'all.

Again, I'll ride.

Again, I'll ride.