Original subtitles

Always my pleasure to serve my lady, always my pleasure

to serve.

Your slightest wishes, my heart's desire,

one word from you sets my soul on fire.

Always my pleasure to serve my lady, my love for you

will not swear.

For I only long to be by your side from

morning till eventide.

There I go, there I go.

One face I see smiling at me. Is it me

twirling round, twirling round, haunting my brain? Tell me,

oh, tell me.

it's not in vain.

If you will give me your heart, my lady, I'll train each

sinew and nerve morning and night just to say

to you always my pleasure to serve.

You cockshoot towers?

Co -shoot towers, if you please.

All the same to me.

Morning. Morning,

Mrs. B.

Ruin! You, Mrs. B? What a memory.

You stupid girl, what do you want to go screaming like that for?

Sorry, Mrs. Burgess, somebody pinched my... Roger, you cheeky devil!

Well, you just stop chuckling at my kitchen and hurry on upstairs.

Miss Ruffin will be waiting, and you know I particularly sound things just

at breakfast time. Now, come on up with you. I said off. Go on, you two, off.

And, Polly, you can give me a hand with these trays.

All right, Mrs. Burgess.

Antonia?

Mrs. Burgess, yes?

Now, Mrs. Burgess, good morning.

Rexford's on its way up.

Yes, thank you very much.

You're late, Rogers.

I beg your pardon, my friend.

Maude. Sorry, Mr. Armstrong.

So you should be.

Ah, Mimi.

Good morning, Mr. Hampton. Very nice, my dear, very nice.

Are you sure you can manage that? Oh, I'm used to carrying everything, Mr.

Hampton.

Can you manage a paper, too?

Oh, just put it on top, Mr. Hampton.

I'll replace it to have the time.

Good morning, milady.

A beautiful day.

The sun's in the sky and Lord Koshute is in his bath.

Oh, breakfast.

I really feel like it this morning.

Good to start the day on something hot.

I do agree.

A roll, perhaps?

Exactly, Hampton.

Always my pleasure to serve, milady.

I have instructed the staff to be less wasteful when polishing the floors and

furniture, my lady.

Our special preparation of linseed oil must be reserved for only the most

delicate pieces.

It is very important that every area is covered.

Each little crevice must be attended to, using the fingers to rub gently into

the corners.

I have instructed that all cushions be shaken and plumped up.

The curtains should be hung out and aired, and all the carpets well brushed

heated.

Running a place like this does need a strong hand in the right place.

You're so thoughtful, Hampton.

I try to keep the staff up to the mark.

It's difficult, though, when one sets thy standards.

They are apt to fall just when you want them to rise.

But I trust, milady, you will never have cause to complain of any lack of effort

on my part.

Never, Hampton.

Oh, Milord, I should expect I should help you when you always think of my

Oh,

you're so strong.

You want to hurt Mimi to crush her?

Oh, no, no, no. I mean, yes, yes.

Oh, please, Milord, not now.

When?

If you behave yourself, I shall come and dress you tonight.

Oh, very good.

Julieta. Oh,

dear.

Oh, dress.

Oh, where's the wife?

Sorry to bother you, my dear.

It's this confounded stud.

Can't seem to... It always falls out just when I think I've got it in.

Allow me, my lord. Oh, thank you, Hampton. Nothing ever seems to go right

you're in a hurry.

You in a hurry, Randy?

Whatever for?

Coil with the lawyers, my dear.

Oh, tiresome business. All about the estate.

There you are, my lord. Ah, thank you, Hampton.

See you at luncheon, my dear.

Hampton.

You gorgeous beast.

It's in perfect condition, as always.

I believe you.

Well, I don't need the right touch, you know.

Not many people have it, Rogers.

You're fortunate.

Thank you, milady.

Oh, it's a regular piece of strapping.

That works wonders.

You must show me how you do it, Rogers.

Later.

it again.

Not quite.

I'm talking about your breakfast. You haven't touched a thing.

Can I help you?

Yes, yes, sir. My notes.

Thanks.

Mrs. Burgess will be ever so upset if I take the tray back like this. You must

eat something.

No, I can't stop, Maud. I'm just getting to a vital part.

I'll give you your food while you go on working.

Thanks, Maude. You're a good girl.

With you, how can I be anything else?

Funny stuff, this couch, you. It's kedgeree, actually.

What? Your breakfast.

Kedgeree. Mrs. Burgey's special.

I was referring to this.

It's got to be caught at just the right temperature.

Actually, it's a little discovery of mine. This India rubber solution in

I found that by adding minute amounts of acid, you can stretch it until it's so

fine you can hardly feel it.

Good heavens.

What's it for?

Even though it's so fine, it's completely waterproof.

So you see, it would be invaluable as a cover for... Yes?

I really shouldn't be talking to you like this.

Well, stand up then, otherwise your epiglottis will have a seizure.

It's something I'm making for Lady Koshut. It's a secret.

Now, you mustn't be the word of this to anyone, you understand?

Oh, yes, Your Lordship.

Yes, thank you, Melons.

I'll show you. He might stop struggling. I'll show you.

Oh, Roger.

Yeah.

What's that? What's that? Oh.

I was just getting some hay for bedding down.

Quite so.

Far be it from me to interrupt your labours, Rogers, but I do have a urgent

errand. Oh, yeah?

Would you care to take a ride?

Well, certainly. I was just about... To the village.

Oh, yeah. Very well, Mr. Hampton. I want this sent off by telegram.

His Lordship's last pardon on the two o 'clock at Newmarket.

Right you are, Mr. Hampton.

Now, we only got five minutes, girl.

Right.

I wonder if his lordship's got a good tip. Oh, no, he hasn't.

I mean inside information.

So do I.

You know, you know, Hampton's a better punter.

He does pretty well with the horses, does old Hampton.

I was once raced on a race course by the warden.

You don't really mean that, do you?

Well...

Come in, that mater.

Mary, darling, I really am most flattered being allowed into your

fountain.

Sometime I must let you into mine.

It is rather exciting, isn't it? Yes.

It's all for you.

Yes, Mary.

Well, you know how I feel about you, mater. Tell me.

Well, you've always been so kind and loving. Just like a real mother. Oh, I

could never be that.

So, I've been carrying out a little exercise down here by myself.

Oh, you shouldn't do that. It makes you deaf.

I've got a surprise, quite a big one.

Don't tell me. Let me find out the hard way.

All right, close your eyes. Oh, can't I look?

No, I'll tell you when.

Oh, don't. I get so frightened of sharks.

Let me show you.

Feel that.

What do you think?

I'm speechless.

What to say?

So that's what you've been working at all the time.

These sheaths will protect your plants from rain, hail or snow. No worries when

it comes to the flower show, Mater.

And you've been doing all this for me. You are a darling, Perry.

You deserve a big kiss.

These sheaths have been made so light and elastic that they'll grow with the

stretch of the plant.

The only trouble is that I can't demonstrate that quickly.

No, you really need something you can experiment with.

Something that expands itself.

Mater, you're marvellous. I've just got the very thing. You have?

Yes, it goes from 6 inches to 12, just like that.

I'll show you. Hang on a minute.

Mater, this is what you were thinking of, isn't it?

Of course, dear.

What else?

Excellent brew of yours, Hampton.

Glad you like it, my lord.

Help yourself, old fellow.

Thank you, my lord.

May one venture to inquire as to what has cast your lordship into this slough

despond? We're not broke yet.

Snotty.

Snotty, my lord?

As you know, used to live in the village. Father kept the shop.

Confound it, fellow.

Whatever one wanted, he didn't have.

Not his shuttle work. That's the fellow.

Went away, made a fortune.

Well, he's back.

I'd heard, my lord.

But I don't think we should let it upset our equilibrium.

You don't know what game he's playing?

I have a pretty good idea.

The question is, will he or won't he?

I should think there's very little doubt.

Oh, dear, what shall we do? Where shall we all go?

Go, my lord.

Yes, when snotty chucks us out of council towers. I've been trying to

you, Hampton.

You shouldn't drink brandy in the morning, you know. It dulls your brain.

I do beg pardon, my lord.

If you'd just explain.

We're getting down to bare facts.

Yes, my lord. He's taken over the mortgage and all our family debts. And

know they amount to considerable sums.

I begin to comprehend. You mean he's the shooter out in Mason? Now we're getting

to the crux of the matter.

The crux, indeed. One month to pay. One month or we're out.

He's always fancied himself as lord of the manor. Oh, it's too ghastly to

contemplate.

Intolerable.

Something's got to be done.

He fancied just as.

What?

Thought of go shoot in the hands of that little upstart.

Have no fears, my lord.

We shall contrive. Hampton, you're a great comfort to me.

My pleasure to serve, my lord.

Funny to think of Snotty being back.

Do you remember the day we dumped him in the goldfish pond?

He caught us smoking in the shrubbery.

Threatened at me to our respective fathers. Little beggar was beeping at us

through the bushes.

Fighting for you like a kiddie? You frightened ramrod to death. Allow me to

apologise. You're not even allowed here at all. Now, don't you take that high

time with me, my girl. My word, when you learn what's in the wind, you'll be

down on your knees to me.

You mean on your level.

together all life may bring someone to stand with right to the end

my good friend

Now, where's the door, Hampton?

This way, my lord.

If you'll just follow me.

Blackheart!

Have at you!

Excuse me, but I... Just let me get at you, sir.

Oh, he's up in surveillance.

Stand still, you bum -dodger!

Snotty, come here at once!

Come back, you guys. Come back, sir, I say.

Gotcha. Come back here, you.

Please,

please. I beg of you.

Good morning.

Parasignet.

and if you please, and if that day happens, I very much doubt you can do

you ready will like.

Me, me, me.

I'll buy you lots of dresses, my dear. I'll buy you them with necklines getting

lower and hemlines getting higher.

Oh, I don't know where it's all going to end, my dear, but I just hope I'm there

when it happens.

Love.

Hampton!

I'm sorry to interrupt you while you're...

addressing, my lord, but I thought I'd better remind you of the time. Oh, what

on earth for? Oh, really, Hampton? I beg your pardon, my lord, but you called a

family conference for 6 .30. Oh, yes, I did. Oh, I quite forgot. Quite so, my

lord. Oh, yes, I suppose I'd better break the bad news. The sooner I get it

with, the better.

If I may suggest, my lord, it is a little late in the day for sunbathing.

Oh, dear, yes.

Yes.

You can rely on me to finish it off here, my lord.

Yes, sir.

Hampton, I've been thinking.

Really, Malone? Yes, this conference, you should be there. If you say so,

Malone. Oh, I do, I do.

Yes, someone's got to come up with an idea.

Oh, I'm sure you both will come up with something.

I said hello!

Oh, would you do give over?

Why?

You like it, don't you?

Well, I've got me work to do.

Oh, you just carry on?

Oh. Then I'll just carry on.

Honestly, don't you ever think of anything else but making love to girls?

Well, of course I do.

What?

Girls making love to me.

Oh, yeah.

Come in, everyone.

Come in and sit down.

Sit, Heidi.

The situation's very delicate. I don't know which way to turn.

Papa, what is all this fuss about?

I hope it won't take too long. I've left my bunk in the burning.

Well, you see, it's about... Hampton, how would you explain it?

There's no getting away from it.

We're in a tight squeeze.

If I understand you correctly, Mr. Sandal, unless you find somewhere in the

region of £100 ,000...

We are all going to be out on our... I'm afraid that is the position, my dear.

If that's all, Peter, do you mind if I return to the laboratory?

I have a quick test to finish before dinner.

Peregrine, I despair of you.

Haven't you got anything better to do with your time instead of fiddling about

down there?

Randy, I don't think you should be so hard on Perry.

I mean, it's not like drinking or gambling like so many young men these

Nonsense. Rubber sheaths, indeed.

They'll never catch on.

Oh, let's keep to the point, Papa. What are we going to do?

Wish I knew, Kitty.

What about the family jewels?

Yes, couldn't we sell them?

Yes, I'm afraid they don't amount to much.

That's quite right.

They're all a sham.

Peter!

Sold them some time ago.

Temporary embarrassment, you know.

The glories of our past are now paste.

Hampton will find a way.

If you want me, madam, I shall always be there somehow.

Oh, what a man you are.

There is the old solution.

A advantageous marriage.

Of course.

Kitty should marry Shutterworth.

The estate will stay in the family and nothing will change.

Oh, yes, it does. Me. Why should I be the sacrifice? Why not Perry?

Well, I can't marry him, really.

Oh, don't be so silly.

I don't want to. And I don't want to marry Shuttleworth. I wouldn't marry him

he was the last man on earth. I won't do it. I won't, I won't, I won't. I'd

rather marry Hampton.

Yes,

much rather.

Thank you, Lady Kitty.

And very flattered.

Well, seems like you're our last chance, Perry.

Glad that's all settled, then. I can't. I mean, I don't know any of this.

No, silly, but I do. Betsy Ann Durinex.

She was at Lausanne with me, remember?

Her father's one of those American millionaires.

Absolutely reeking of money.

How unfortunate.

He's an oil in a big way.

So a sardine.

They're ever so rich.

Dozens of oil wells you'd never believe.

Well, I must say, he does sound quite interesting.

They're coming over here for the season.

Bring them down for the weekend.

Splendid. Don't look so miserable, Perry.

Just think, with all that money, you'll be able to afford new equipment.

I suppose that's one way of looking at it.

I must say, this meeting has turned out much better than I expected.

One small thing. Don't worry about it, Randy. It's not your fault. It'll cost a

lot of money to entertain the Duranics. They're accustomed to the best of

everything. Ah, then they must have it.

Allow me to take the responsibility.

I'm sure I speak for the staff.

They're all behind you.

Oh, good Lord.

Oh!

Let's just be all adjourned.

So, brothers, that is the situation, and I took it upon myself to say that we

would support family in this hour of need.

Why did he keep saying he's our brother?

Well, if he is, he'd better watch out for the law.

Why? It's illegal.

What? Incest.

What's that?

Something all the family can enjoy.

Order! Order!

Had you a point to make, brother?

No. Brother, now I agree with you.

I'm sure the family will appreciate that we have rallied to the cause.

Now, we've all got good jobs here, and I wouldn't want to lose my position.

How many have you got, Mrs. B?

Sixty -nine.

Ah, then you've got to face it. What?

That you're on to a very comfortable wicket. Don't spoil it.

So what do you want from us, Mr. Hampton? Yes, what do you want from us,

Hampton? Yes, well, I thought we all contributed one week's wages. Let's take

care of the food.

I shall make myself responsible for the liquid refreshment. Ah, well, you've

been doing that for long enough.

Melons, I shall rely on you to see to the game.

Now, there's another thing. There isn't any.

What? He's shot it all, hasn't he?

Well, come on, Melons. You're an ingenious fellow.

The world's stopped over at Rampton Hall.

Here, are you telling him to go poaching?

Yes.

Can't we put them out into a vote, Mr. Rampton? Certainly, Mrs. Burgess.

All those in favour?

Aye.

Then it only remains for me to call the meeting to a close. I shall rely on you

all to do your bit.

All I wish we could be sure young Peregrine will do is... He don't know,

he? I thought I had all... already occurred whose melons.

I understand a ladyship has taken the matter in hand.

Ah, Perry, isn't it a lovely day today?

The birds are singing, the bees are buzzing.

Birds, bees.

Does that remind you of anything?

A honey.

Darling. Pardon?

The spring and the sap rising and all that sort of thing. You know, it's at a

time like this that a young man's fancy turns lightly to thoughts of love.

about love, Perry?

I don't go into that sort of thing myself.

Well, then it's time you thought about life. I'm quite happy that I am, Mater.

How can you know about love until you try, dear boy?

How do you know what goes on in a woman's heart?

Can you feel?

72 times a minute.

Oh, Perry.

Sometimes I really think you're too clever.

I don't want to upset you, Mater, honestly.

then try to understand how difficult it is for me to talk to you like this.

I mean, now that you're grown up, well, a man, really, well, we must speak about

the facts of life.

Oh, I've always been interested in nature.

Oh, have I?

It's wonderful when you think the little bits of pollen get up to the stamen and

sends its seed through the pistil. Wonderful.

Unless, of course, you follow the Darwin theory.

Oh. Wasn't he the horrid little man who said we were all descended from monkeys?

That's right. Do you remember when we all went to the zoo and we were laughing

at the monkeys and Peter made us turn away?

Because they were doing rude things.

Perry? About those monkeys?

Yes. Well, they weren't really being rude.

They were making love.

Everyone makes love at some time, not just monkeys.

When a man and a woman are in love, what happens can be...

Quite beautiful.

Well, I've heard sex isn't good for one. It isn't. But it's marvellous for two.

Now put your arms around me. Hold me very close.

Well, I'm... I have this feeling I'm closer to you than you are to me.

Silly boy. Now kiss me.

Oh, it's a wonderful feeling so close together.

Can you feel something pressing against me?

Pressing against you?

No. No?

Yes.

Yes.

The cork. That reminds me. I must put it in the retort.

I can think of a choice retort myself.

You stop that, you hear me? You take the liberty.

We don't mind his lordship giving her a cuddle.

Well, he has more time.

And besides, it is his right.

Is how you say a count?

A what?

A count.

Oh, yes, yeah.

Oh, I have work to do.

I thought you French girls were supposed to like it.

I never said we didn't like it.

Oh, good.

Oh, Rogers!

You beast!

And here you are, Rogers.

I've been looking for you.

Oh, yes, sir.

Doing something special at this moment.

Well, I'm having a sort of trouble getting some crates up from the cellar.

along and help us, good lad.

Well, if I could just finish what I'm doing here, sir.

It's Mimi.

I'm just giving her a little help shaking out the rags.

Ah,

Mimi. Well, I carry on with Mimi and you carry on with the crates.

Oh, very well, sir.

If you're sure.

Definitely.

Yes.

Oh, please, Sherry.

Don't stop now.

Don't stop.

The way you're carrying on, you'll be all day cleaning one room. No rug can be

that dusty.

Aren't you going to change over?

This is a good way.

Ah, housework can be so enjoyable.

That's enough.

Oh, big cuss -o!

Oh!

Oh, cuss -o, help!

Excuse me, my lord.

There is a person waiting without.

Without what?

Why, do we should finish this sentence, Hampton.

Well, who is it? It's not him, my lord.

Oh, shut up. Oh, can't you get rid of him, man?

If I may advise, my lord, I think we should see him, circumstances being as

are. Oh, show him in.

Go on, Hampton.

Yes, my lord. Your best, Sherry.

Yes, my lord. Lock it up.

And don't leave me too long with that big toad. I shan't be responsible for my

actions. I shall serve the cooking, Sherry, naturally.

But we should try not to get his back up just yet.

All right, show him in.

Oh, his lordship will see you now.

Oh, shuttlecock, it's you, is it? Good day, Your Lordship. It's very good of

to see me.

Sit down, man. Sit down.

Makes me quite bilious bobbing about like that. Sit down, man. Thank you,

Lordship. I am deeply honoured. Yes, aren't you?

Well, carry on, man. Carry on.

Well, I've been thinking about our little business matter. Yeah, not so

Well, it depends. Look at it. I mean, there's no point in our fighting and

carrying on.

The more I think about you being thrown out of here with nowhere to go and me

living here in style, the more I thought it wouldn't do.

Very sensible.

Yes, I don't think you'd like it here. It wouldn't suit.

Ah, no, you've got it wrong. I live here, but you needn't go.

Well, I don't... No, but we all live here.

Together.

Hampton! I do beg pardon, my lord.

Perhaps Mr. Shuttleworth would care to explain. I don't think I quite heard him

right. Well, like I was saying, I am prepared to tear up your IOUs, your

your mortgages, and let things go on just as before.

You are under certain conditions, of course.

I'm sure Lord Keshut feels these sentiments to you credit.

May we know what has induced this change of heart?

Love.

Love. I can't sleep at night for thinking of her.

Just the thought of holding her in my arms.

It's worth anything in the world, that is.

So there you have it.

We have?

I can't screw my own family, can I? I'll be knowing so many words if you know

what I mean.

I can't say that I do.

I'm trying to tell you.

You can have all this.

I can have your kitty.

Kitty?

Now, stay with me, Lord. One of my turns.

Get off me, Hampton.

Perhaps you can't wait in the office for a few minutes.

Oh, dear.

What are we going to do, Hampton?

Things may not turn out so badly after all, my lord.

What?

Play him along.

Humour the toad.

Until we've got the American heiress in the back.

I suppose that doesn't work.

Then we may have to prevail upon Lady Kitty.

I don't like it, Hampton.

Never fancied her marrying a commoner.

And he's commoner than most.

Look at the bright side, my lord.

Invite him for the weekend.

And if all goes well with the heiress, we can kick him right out.

Karate! Aye, you've got a brown belt.

I've seen it, my lord, for your earner.

Bring him in again, Hampton.

Well, my lord, his lordship has recovered. Please come in.

Now, as you were saying, Mr. Shuttleworth... What were we saying?

That you had no objection to Mr. Shuttleworth asking for Miss Kitty's

I can't answer for Lady Kitty. She'll have to make up her own mind about

Don't you worry on that score, your lordship. Just leave the little lady to

We have our ways and means.

Well, this calls for a bit of a celebration, eh?

Hampton. Yes, my lord? Bring up a chair and sit down.

Yes, my lord.

About the weekend, my lord.

I suppose, as it's that short notice, Mr.

Shuttleworth is already engaged.

Oh, a little house party.

Would have asked, dear old snotty. But as you say, Hampton, pity he can't come.

I can't. I'm sure he would have enjoyed himself.

I can't. Would he have behaved himself in a decorous manner? Oh, what?

I think he can't come.

I can!

I can!

I can!

He can.

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for worlds.

Oh, you can count on me.

Oh, cheers.

You're finished already, so... Well, I haven't had money. Oh, good. Needn't

detain you any longer, then.

Very busy, you understand.

Estate matters.

Oh, I did not see that, Your Lordship. I'm very much obliged.

I'll just go and see Kitty, then.

We'll get along perfect.

You'll see.

Hampton, my time will come for that there is absolutely no doubt.

With a little off for good conduct.

Roger!

Oh, hello, milady.

What strong arms you have, Roger.

Oh, thank you, milady. I'll need them in my job.

Of course you do.

Talking all that hay up into the loft.

I believe that you could toss me up there if you wanted to.

Well, I dare say I could.

Shall we try?

Not just now, milady.

I've got a lot of work to do. You see, I've got a lot of work to do with these

visitors arriving.

Maybe tomorrow.

Oh, fat locks.

Excuse me, my lord.

Oh, don't fuss, Randy.

People are prepared to overlook all sorts of things these days.

Especially as Mr. Shuttleworth had so much money.

Oh, bah.

It may work out quite splendidly. With your influence, couldn't you get him

raised to a peer?

I'd rather chuck him off one.

The only problem I can see is how to get Kitty to cooperate.

Hampton. Hampton?

Yes, he's the only one who can control her tantrums. I must confess, I can't

stand another one of her blasted paddies.

He could pop up now.

Yes, I'll tell him. Hampton.

My lord.

They've decided you should be the one to tell Lady Kitty about Snotty.

Very well, my lord.

Send up a pot of tea, if you would, Hampton.

Yes, my lady.

China? Of course.

We pawned this over one last month.

Hampton, I always did say your timing was impeccable.

You can help me off with my boots.

There's my lady.

I think so, Hampton.

Hello.

Yes, sounds as though Hampton's got Kitty to blow it.

Good old Hampton.

Here they come!

Here they come!

Wait, they're coming!

No, no, no, no time for that now. No, no.

and not the stuff over here.

It's me.

I couldn't...

Gee, this is great.

My, it's positively prehistoric.

Good evening, Daisy.

Stay down.

Thank you, my man.

Mrs. Dureneck, come on.

Kitty. Come and meet my parents.

Mater, Pater, Mr. and Mrs. Dureneck. Your Earl.

All cock shoes.

Co as in port.

Oh, no, it's a little early for me for alcohol.

You can get up now, dear.

Heidi, Heidi, leave.

Lose and Betsy and Kitty Nichols.

F .L. Duranex at your service, ma 'am.

My, you have a mighty fine place there. Here. Yes, it was built by one of

Randy's ancestors.

The first of them. He was a great soldier.

Pretty good bricklayer, too.

You know, I have a feeling that you and I are going to get on very well

together.

Stay down till I tell you.

Oh, thank you, Your Worship.

You know, I can't tell you how excited I was when Betsy Ann showed me the letter

from your kitty.

Imagine spending the whole weekend with a real live duke. We don't spend on so

many here.

I'm Randy.

Oh, how lovely for your wife.

This is my brother Perry. He's been longing to meet you.

I have?

Yes, yes, I have.

Are you coming in, Mr. Durenex?

Oh, F .L. to you, Your Lordship. Not just for a little moment, though.

Lucky.

Miss, you've got all these breastplates here.

In the armor, height, it's all... So we've got everything here. And I'd like

to meet the pillar of our household, our butler, Hampton.

Hampton, where the devil's he gone?

Hampton! Hampton!

Hampton, I want you to meet Mrs.

Durenex. The devil's the matter, man.

Is it your back?

No.

You?

I say, do you two know each other? I think it would be more accurate to say

I know of, madam, my lord.

I will remember her as Daisy Daydream.

Daisy Daydream?

The Daisy Daydream?

Who used to do it at the gaiety? And anywhere else you can think of. Best all

round lay in the chorus.

What did you say?

Those little round lay.

as you used to sing with the chorus at the time you enchanted me in the

If you will excuse me, my lord.

Rogers, Polly, Vera, Maud, and me.

If you would be to the other gate.

Yes, Miss Brampton.

I must talk to you.

Ah, madam, if you will follow me, I will show you to your room.

Oh! After all we'd been through together, and after all we'd meant to

other, how you could walk out on me on the eve of our wedding.

I don't know how you dare speak to me. I'm not your speaker to be. Oh!

I've never been so humiliated in my whole life.

And in front of all the girls in the chorus.

I'd even made me own wedding dress.

Oh, how could you, Percy?

Ah, such happy memories.

They've kept me going all through these years.

Eh? You didn't understand.

We were very young, but at least I came to my senses in time.

You what? Seriously.

You were worthy of greater things.

I was just a struggling footman. I couldn't let you throw yourself away on

had to be strong.

He made the supreme sacrifice.

Perthie! I took the Queen's shillings and went off with Gordon to fight the

dervishes.

Oh, I didn't know you'd gone to war.

Ah, yes.

A bloody experience.

But it's better not to break up old wounds.

Oh, Perthie.

What are we going to do?

Nothing.

You may rely on my discretion at all times.

Madam.

Madam.

I've heard so much about America. I hear it's been so big there.

Oh, you can say that again.

Take Niagara Falls.

Millions and millions of gallons of water run over that every minute of

day. And I suppose all night, too.

How extravagant.

There you both are.

I've taken the best of the upstairs.

That is a really beautiful daughter you have there, Coxu. Yes, wonderful

horsewoman. Damn fine seat. I had noticed.

Will you take a look at that view?

Why can't my lawns look like that?

You need good soil.

Not the best. Good drainage.

The finest in the whole United States of America. And the best cumberland seeds.

That I used.

Yes, then you've got to mow them for 600 years.

Huh? Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

I do like you people.

I can't. I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here. I feel I can relax for

the first time with people like me, people of substance.

Substance? Obviously.

Oh, you do not know the trouble we have been in since we've been in your little

old country.

Really? What trouble?

Oh, fortune hunters, scroungers, every penniless good -for -nothing dangling

after my Betsy Ann.

They don't have a hope.

They haven't?

Dear lady, Frances L.

Duranex was not born yesterday.

I can see that.

Have no fear.

I'll look after my little girl, okay?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, Oh, that fruit doesn't scare me.

It's just that I'll be early in the morning for this sort of exercise.

Well, you know, Lady Kitty's habit, sir, has to be mounted by nine in the

morning.

Really?

Side saddle, sir.

Right.

I think you'd better give me a leg up. Yeah.

Have we started?

Get off my land! Next time you'll get through, Sparrows!

I can't get it to come off, Mrs. Burgess.

The rust, I can't get it off.

Well, what do you... How many have you got? Three. Three, I'll have them.

One. Two.

Cocked prison, sir. Where?

Good shot.

And another.

Where?

They're fighting back.

Take my gun, sir. Right.

And another.

This one gave itself up.

Thank you.

Well done, Melons.

Falling like melons. Oh, follow me.

Such a lovely garden.

You know, I've traveled all over, and I always say there's nothing to beat an

English garden.

Do you do a lot in it?

Oh, I try to keep my end up.

How wise.

I had a most interesting chat with your husband last night.

I always find holding a conversation with Randy is really rather like trying

knit fog.

And Peregrine, such a nice young man.

boy that I've always wanted Betsy Ann to marry.

The trouble with F .L. is that he thinks everybody and all her bows are after

his fortune.

He's well stacked, you know.

And money, too.

Oh, sorry.

Don't apologize.

I'm always telling him he's far too fat.

How about that stomach?

If that was on a woman, you'd think she was pregnant.

It was, and she is.

Just think, all these are your ancestors.

Yes, that's my grandfather.

He fought with Wellington.

Fancy. That was the trouble with grandfather. He couldn't get on with

I've never been in a place as old as this. Are there any goats or things?

Oh, yes, there's Lady Esmeralda.

Actually, this is where she haunts.

Here?

Oh, don't worry.

She only comes out at night.

In the full moon.

Do tell me about her.

Well, it's rather sad, really. Her husband got back from the cruise stage

caught her being unfaithful.

And he killed her in a jealous rage?

No, he locked her in the room at the end of the corridor and put chains around

her ankles. Goodness, how dreadful.

Well, he let her out at night once a month to the nursery to see her little

while he was sleeping.

Actually... They say you can hear her moans of grief echoing all through the

house.

And that's at full moon?

Why, I believe there's a full moon tonight, Peregrine.

Is there?

I don't go in for that sort of thing myself.

Oh. Um, should we go and find the mothers?

All right.

Lady Koshu's very pretty.

I imagine lots of men find her attractive.

How about you?

I don't think they'd give me a second glance.

Oh, Mr. Hampton, you gave me the big fright.

I should think so, too.

And just what do you think you're up to?

I was only playing.

You must never play with the ladies' baubles.

But you do, Mr. Hampton.

That is beside the point.

You will have to punish me, yes?

Yes. Are you going to be hard on me? More than likely. Come here.

Oh,

now we play more games, eh?

Did your father thank you when you were a child?

Oh, yes, many times. He loved to do this.

I can understand it.

I always remember my father saying, prepare the rod and spoil the pot.

Don't be naughty again, or I should have to repeat this performance.

Promise. I'll get your clothes off quickly.

And you'd better take that thing off.

I can't see any birds.

What in there? Oh, I'll get him on the ride.

Double barrel.

Now, Lady Koshute, please leave everything to me.

Don't you worry about the little romance.

We can always get together and give him a show.

I'm sure that's exactly what Perry needs.

Well, I'm afraid I'm not very good at this sort of thing, my dear.

Oh, no, no, Bishop, no. It's like

this.

Oh,

Bishop, it's too hard.

I found the correct opening and then I lost control of the ball.

So who's playing with the bishop?

It's that young actress, Christabel St. Clair.

Oh, yes.

Pretty little thing.

Reminds me of myself.

I was on the stage.

She's a big hit in that new musical. She had an enormous hand at her opening.

Night? Of course.

Oh, look, there's Lady Bumbley. Sure is. Some count.

Oh, dear. Did I hit your balls then, Bishop?

Thought everyone knew Convent Schilling's daring character.

Just like an Englishman, really. I think that Lady Bumbley means that as a

compliment, yeah?

Oh,

I see what you mean. Oh, she's well. Thank you for asking.

Oh, I say, there is a plump little pigeon. I wouldn't mind having a shot of

that. Oh, and she's wearing my favorite color.

Thank you.

Here. Pay for a little bit.

Name it.

I bet I have them offer within ten minutes.

Done. I'll lay a pony.

There we go.

Come on, Polly. Come

and get it. Come on, girl.

Jump. Jump. Yeah, you're a big girl. You can fetch it. Come on, Polly.

Don't you agree?

Your bird, sir.

Gee, thanks.

I'm just going to amuse myself with a little bit of chicken.

Join us later.

Look out, Polly. Here comes Francis.

Five -hour notes, Polly. Would you like to play a little paper chase game? Oh, I

would, yes, Mr. Duranex. You've got to take them wherever you are.

One there.

One... No, two touching there.

One here.

One here. And start taking the body.

They're doing it.

Or rising down.

Here, let Mr.

Durnick's mate to grab for you. Just watch it. Why?

He's got more hands than an octopus.

What have you been up to, then? A bit of anky -panky with the anky. Oh, you

naughty girl.

I didn't see much of you today, midwife.

We were very busy, my love.

I know. How about later?

Yes, if you say so.

Yes, I'll come to your room when the others have gone to bed.

Two o 'clock? Yes.

Oh, you really are a very clever little actress.

Better?

Considerably, yes.

Oh,

there's gold in them bar hills, ma 'am, and I have the prospective spirit.

Is two o 'clock in the morning a good time for that sort of thing, Eiffel?

Some of the best shafts have been sunk just at that moment, ma 'am.

Then come to my room and stake your claim.

Two o 'clock fix. Now, anyone for tennish.

Ma 'am, I challenge you to a dance.

Accepted.

Do you want a drink?

He's more candid than I am.

that one meets so few Germans with titles nowadays, Count von Schilling.

Yeah, they are disappearing one by one.

Oh, what fun!

Euryx!

I can't believe it. So young, so beautiful.

And you, a real duchess.

Well, I did marry Freddy, one of the oldest dukes I could find.

That can keep you very busy.

Why don't you and I go for a little walk in the garden, Duchess?

You should say, Your Grace.

For what we are about to receive.

Kitty, dear.

Who is that nice young man you were dancing with just now?

Sir William Bagg. Oh, is he about?

He was about a few minutes ago.

How would you like to sink him deep into my leg?

This devil crab's delicious.

I really can't resist it, although I know I shall pay for it later.

The shellfish disagrees with you, Bishop.

I'm afraid so, yes.

Me too.

I'm having the chicken.

Oh, really?

I just love the parson's nose.

Hi there, Bishop.

Got to hand it to Randy. He's certainly put on a swell party. Yes, he's a grand

champ. I've known him for ages, actually.

He used to be my fag, but eaten.

Is that so?

Your fag?

I do admire the British. They're so outspoken.

I'm not very good at parties.

I get shy with so many people.

Me too.

You know what I'd really like to do?

What?

Show you my laboratory.

Well?

I've had to lock it up for the weekend.

Plato said it would bore you.

Oh, but it wouldn't.

I'd love to see it.

Well, perhaps we could.

They'd get very angry.

Do we have to tell them?

I suppose not.

Look, after everyone's gone to bed, meet me in the hall and I'll take you down

to the dungeon.

It should be all clear about two o 'clock.

What an adventure.

I'll pretend I got a headache and go to bed early.

Okay, pardon me. Sorry, my fault. I thought that a little refreshment. Oh,

no, thank you. I don't want any, really.

I don't feel very well.

You didn't upset the young lady, or not? Of course not.

Then you will be seeing her a little later on, perhaps?

No, definitely not.

You heard what she said. She's going to her room. I certainly will not see her

again tonight.

You

do

realise I'm one of the groom here?

I mean, you are an honest guest.

I mean, I don't want to forget my place.

If you do, you can always come up to mine.

Oh, very well, madam.

Just as long as you won't regret it.

I may hate myself after, but before and during...

Madam's

glass needs filling.

And that's not all.

Spoiled port.

Carry on with the groom, Daisy.

It's too much.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

You should behave yourself.

Remember who you are now.

I want a serious word with you.

Oh?

Later. Come to my room when everyone's gone to bed.

Oh, I see. I mustn't carry on with the groom, but it's all right with the

butler.

Okay.

Here's to you, Ethel.

And for you, cockshoot.

You folks have been so kind to me.

I would like to apologize for the busting teapot.

Ah, bury me, kiddo.

You have no more worries.

The rest of your life.

I don't think it would work.

You know nothing about handling bigot dicks. I

think

this calls for the Council of War. I'll tell His Lordship that you take Lady

Kitty to the Orchard. Yes. Come on.

What does it mean? I can't stand him any longer. I can't even bear to talk to

him. Don't blame him, my dear, you noxious blighter. Oh, but, Tissy, you

the only child.

Oh, disaster.

Don't despair, my lord. I still have one ace up my sleeve.

Now, those diamonds that Mrs. Duranex is wearing, 22 carat, if I'm not mistaken.

You're not suggesting that we should... Well, are you?

With all these wealthy guests, a little burglary might be just a thing.

Of course, milady, some of your jewels would have to go too.

But they're only copies.

Exactly. But it won't die that suspicion.

Hampton, you're wonderful.

Damn clever. Just one thing.

Yes, my lord?

Never done a burglary before. How do we go about it?

I think Rogers is our best bet. He must go into Mrs.

Duranex's room and pinch the jewels.

And then into me for mine?

Capital. Well, that's all settled then.

No, wait.

We must have a signal so that we know when the deed is done.

Good idea, milady.

Time in is essential.

I suggest that Rogers steals the jewels before two o 'clock.

Your job, Lady Kitty, is to see that he's out of your room by a quarter to

That will give him 15 minutes to steal Mrs. Duranex's diamonds and milady's

trinkets. Then, when we hear the grandfather clock striking two, we will

that all is clear.

And the deed has been done.

It's been lovely talking to you about old times, Percy, but I'd better go.

It's early yet.

Oh, but I'm taking a risk as it is. I mean, supposing Francis were to wake up

and wander into my room.

One for old Lang Syne.

Ah,

you know, you're still a very attractive woman, Daisy.

The years have treated you lightly.

Well, you haven't done so badly yourself, Puff.

Darling Daisy, how do you remember the days when I used to call for you at the

stage door and walk you back through the park?

Ah, we used to...

Cuddle on the park bench.

It's more comfortable now, though, isn't it? Ah, but in those days when we were

young, who cared about hard benches and cold nights?

We had each other, Daisy.

Talking about it all makes it seem just like yesterday.

Funny to think it's 19 years.

19 years, is it really?

19 years.

Must be.

Bet the heir has a birthday coming up, I believe.

Nineteen, she tells me.

Percy!

Ah, so she is my daughter.

And all these years you've been passing her off an old juranex. Well, what else

could I do?

I mean, oh, you wouldn't tell brothers, would you? You couldn't. Calm down,

Daisy, calm down.

I only want what's best for the child.

Our child.

It's past quarter to two. You've got work to do.

Oh, just five more minutes, milady.

You must concentrate on the job in hand.

There'll be plenty of time for that later.

You're making it very difficult, your ladyship.

Now, don't forget the signal. When the clock strikes

two, we all know you've got the diamond safely.

Oh, I'm hardly likely to forget that, milady.

I want you to know that we're very grateful for what you're doing, Rogers.

I'll see that you're amply rewarded.

Oh, thank you, milady. I'll remember that when I'm hard up.

So will I.

Don't you mean away we go?

Nein.

Come along, Daisy. It's getting late. We were both in bed.

Oh! Alone, you're tired and overwrought. A good night's sleep will work wonders.

Good night.

Oh, God, blimey! I mean, goodness!

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know you were there.

Well, I... I had this ghastly dream, you see, and I woke up and I just didn't

know where I was.

I must have been sleepwalking. That's a terrible experience.

Don't sleep too well myself, you know. I quite understand.

Can I show you to your room? Oh, thank you, Your Earlship.

Good evening, Archie. Nice night for a stroll.

Hello, old chap.

Good evening, madam.

Not on pleasure bent, I fear.

No?

A slight... Stomach disorder.

It's my own fault. I never could resist your cook's concoctions.

By the way, Randolph, you better get that clock of yours checked.

It's stopped.

I've just managed to get it started again.

Thank you, Archie.

Never say die.

I didn't.

What lovely premise.

Plymouth? Rhyming slang.

Plymouth hose. Bosoms. Oh, Your Lordship.

Isn't it a little bit public out here?

Why don't we go into my room? Oh, God, no. I didn't mean it like that, dear

lady. What did you mean? Come into mine. Much nicer. Lovely view of the lake.

for you. I'm sorry, your ladyship. Where are your jewels?

Yes.

That's the first place the thief would look.

Because I'm warmer.

Who's the clever boy, then?

Thank you, your ladyship.

You better help me off with this clasp.

Oh, do hurry, your ladyship. It's like Epsom racecourse out there with

running up and down.

Huh?

Kitty. Kitty.

Oh, Kitty.

I can't go on like this.

Put me out of my misery again.

Tantalizing creature.

So you'll marry me.

Will you?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes.

Yes.

That's just how I feel.

I've come for a nightcap, my dear. On second thoughts, for the performance I

intend, they should give me a knighthood.

Tell me, do you like playing around before or after making love?

Yes.

You're a genius, Perry. You really are.

I wouldn't go so far as that.

No, really.

It's brilliant.

Papa would be really fascinated by all this. He's mad about gadgets.

May I bring him down here tomorrow?

Well, if you think he'd like it. Oh, yes, he would.

Papa's always... Oh, my goodness, Papa.

Thank you very much for showing me your secret, but I think I'd better be going

now. Thank you. I've never met anyone like you before. So understanding, so...

Yes? Wonderful.

They're enjoying themselves.

I say, have I hurt you? Don't kid yourself, Randy. It's not me screaming.

It's not me either.

Oh.

My wife!

Good night, my dear.

See you later.

Hey,

what the hell?

What are you doing in there?

Isn't that your girl lying there?

Daisy, follow the chain.

Do something, Ethel. Do something.

Oh, what the hell's going on?

I've done nothing.

Nothing.

She's a bit strong, isn't it?

I mean, I know every bishop has to have his seat, but this is going too far.

Now, for all I care, there's a guest in my house for now.

Yes, but you've surely gone too far this time. You surely can't think that I...

Oh, the poor young lady.

Oh, my dear young lady.

Are you all right?

Oh, dear, I'm so very sorry.

I'm scared.

Rape? I insist on rape. Why?

You better get out. Get out the back way.

Rape! Rape, I say!

Thief! Murder!

Rape! Murder!

Thief! My dear lady, I...

Oh, Lord, what a fracker.

Send for the police immediately.

A thief? I don't know. I saw a thief. One here.

Jules, Randy, don't be silly.

Perhaps it would be a good idea if everyone checked their rooms to see if

anything is missing.

What a good idea, Hampton. Come on, Dean. Yes.

Try to wrench the rings off me finger. Whoop me up, Mr.

Violent. Rogers must have taken leave of his senses.

Lady Bumbley, if I may search your room.

Oh, no need.

Knocked him out cold.

escaped must be here somewhere close the window my

diamonds are missing and my rings too oh gracious excuse me milady

Come on, Perry, let's show Papa your new invention.

A good idea, my son. You can go show me that invention, because I want to see

it. What a good idea, Hampton.

Better if Aunt Elle goes down to see Perry's invention alone.

The dungeon is so cold.

Just don't distress yourself.

Oh, and have a drink. Yes, I could use a good stiff one.

I think I can provide that, madam.

Oh, well done, me boy.

Make it a day for the bed.

Well, don't let me disturb you. You deserve a rest after your hard labours.

very well, my lord.

As a matter of fact, I was looking for you.

Really? Yes, to deliver... this.

I say, well done, me boy. Well done.

Better give this to Hampton straight away.

He was wondering where you were.

Was he?

Yes, thought you'd gone down, actually.

I was just about to.

Excellent, excellent.

Well, let's go and find Hampton, then.

You've done a... darn good job there rogers come along oh i lost that's very

clever my boy very clever but you know i don't know what to make of it well i

thought of covers for plants mater has such no no no no you must get something

to grab the imagination oh you'll think of something papa you always do yeah

sorry to disappoint you honey but you see i don't know what one can do with

this

suffering catfish.

Ah, found him.

Oh, yes, I know that criminal face anywhere.

Oh, you blackguard.

Whoa.

Wait, it's starting.

Where's Rogers?

He's here with me. He's got the tools.

Let me get up, you rapist.

Not yet, my lord.

Great, this stuff. I didn't realize it was straight that far.

Oh, there's no limit.

Strong, too.

You can't escape.

Yes, this rubber can take any amount of pressure.

Interesting. Wet inside, yet dry outside.

You can feel through it, too.

Of course. It's so thin, you can hardly notice it.

Great.

Great.

are going to make our fortune.

Duranix, her name is going to be on everybody's lips. My boy, you and I have

lot to talk about.

Oh, Papa.

Harry. Oh, lovely. Okay, what's the deal?

Well, I haven't really thought about it yet.

Lordship is too modest. We have given a certain amount of consideration to the

subject, haven't we, my lord? Anything you say, Hampton. Shall we say £100 ,000

down and 50 % of the profits?

I say, Hampton, do you think we can afford... Done?

And none of you are putting up the prices. A deal is a deal.

Ah, how does it feel to be a rich man?

I don't really know yet.

A boy after my own heart.

You are going to be a self -made man. I, too, am a self -made man.

So was my father when he started...

He's taught him with just his bare hands.

And three or four hundred slaves.

Evening, all.

Good evening, young Harbottle.

Evening, my lord.

I'm a spot of bother, I understand.

We've had a robbery, and we believe we may have apprehended the thief.

Gilded and all over his face.

And what might your name be?

Balderdash! You's an alley arse, are we, Mr. Shuttleworth?

You can't fool me.

I'm looking for his weapon.

You, you'd want to touch him straight away, so we kept him here. Very wise,

Hampton. Very wise.

He hasn't got one.

Yes, always suspected that, Hampton.

Voice didn't break till he was 20. I remember the Lord, yes.

Come on, Lady Bonnery, if you please, madam. Now, upstairs, Mr. Shuttleworth.

Up you go, sir. Up you go. Come on, sir, up.

Madam.

You, you rapist!

Rapist! The jewels. The jewels. Oh, the jewels.

I'm just a simple lad come up from down under. Ah, hello.

Caught red -handed.

I didn't put that in there. Somebody else did. Who on earth would do a thing

like that?

The guy's trying to wriggle out of it. You'd better come along with me, sir.

You'll have plenty of chance to make a statement, don't you?

That's enough, Balderdash. I mean Shuttleworth. It's outrageous.

I'm at a loss for words. To abuse my hospitality like this. Go and never

my doorstep again.

It won't be your doorstep much longer.

I'll have a lot of you out of here by the end of the month.

I think not.

I shall send you my check tomorrow.

I insist on escorting him to his cell in person.

Come.

Hello.

Peter. Couldn't I send him the check? That's the one I'm talking about there.

Peregrine, my boy, I really like you. Oh, if only Betsy Ann had been a boy.

always wanted a son.

Perhaps he could have the next best thing. What's that? A son -in -law.

Yes, a son -in -law. A son -in -law. Oh, Perry, darling, I know we're all going

to get on just fine together.

Already I feel so much closer to you.

Oh, thank you, matron -in -law.

Hampton, you're wonderful.

Always my pleasure to serve.

Hampton.

Good morning.

A beautiful day.

Sun's in the sky. Lord Koshut is in his bath. And all's well with the world.

Breakfast.

I really feel like it this morning.

Percy.

Eh bien, plus ça change, plus c 'est la même chose.

Always my pleasure to serve, my lady.

Always my pleasure to serve.

Your slightest wish is my heart.

desire one word from you since my soul on fire

always my pleasure to serve my lady my love for

you will not work