Original subtitles

Manny?

Hm?

(SIGHS) Manny!

Er, j...

What time is it? Can we close up yet?

Hey, you're still open. It's Friday night.

Friday night?!

We should have been closed hours ago!

Time to get out of these work clothes.

Look, Bernard. Look at my new phone.

It's got Web access, it's got a camera, it can do everything.

Argh! Can it stop boring conversations?

None of them can do that.

Mine can. Shut up about your phone.

I think tonight's gonna be something special.

We should open the best bottle we've got.

Not the £4.49!

Tonight's the night.

This is the stuff Napoleon would've drunk

if he'd been a bit strapped and couldn't get anything else.

Mm, mm... audacious.

Mm. Look at the robe on that.

Mm. (SNIFFS) Ah, strawberry notes.

I'm getting caramel, bitumen...

(SNORTS) I'm getting red wine up my nose!

You notice anything different about me?

You've turned into a heron.

No.

Wait, I've got it - your ears are bigger.

My hair! I got it done. Aren't I divine?

Don't you think I'm more me than I've ever been?

I can't believe you didn't notice.

Men have a different way of noticing hair and appearance - not noticing.

Gianni, my stylist, is amazing. He only charged 85 quid.

My stylist is free. He's called Manniccio.

I do it with a bread knife. Zip, zip, zip!

I'm feeling top-heavy, actually.

Ah!

Mm... Yesss.

Ah.

Mm. (GROWLS)

Why am I here wasting my hair on your eyes?

I should be somewhere getting slavishly admired.

Ah, but you will, my friend

because tonight, we go out!

Why?

Because it's Fri-i-iday night!

It will be Friday night next week and every week until we're dead.

Even then, the whole rotten business will go on and on and on.

It's Friday now, we're alive.

We should go out.

What are the options?

Erm, cinema.

No smoking.

Bowling.

Can't do the shoe thing.

Er, theatre.

(ALL LAUGH)

What about a restaurant? We could try Yo! Liver.

I know of a party, actually.

Party? What party?

Friends of mine, John and Anne.

What's the place like?

Great big kitchen-slash-living room. Friendly place.

Right, right.

So, it's a fridge-centred, 25 to 40s party,

chilli-shaped fairy lights, bottled beer in the bath.

Yuppies, dinkies and yummies. Lively fun but it won't get out of hand.

My hair says "Go, baby!"

Sounds awful. How far is it?

Two minutes.

That's too far. We've got everything we need here.

That means it's just us three again.

We could sit in the garden.

BOTH: Garden?!

Yeah, it's always been there, I'm sure it's still there.

Come on.

Right, you don't want to sit in the garden. It's just us three,

we'll just have a nice glass of wine, OK?

There's more here somewhere.

Oh, no. No, there isn't, Bernard.

Friday night, no booze.

Crisis - what can we do?

I know, we'll go to the party! That's what we'll do!

I am picking up a certain keenness about this party.

There wouldn't be another reason to go, would there?

Absolutely not.

Except there is a... girl.

A what?!

Girl. She's gonna be there.

I met her once and I was hoping to meet her again.

We don't have to wait for Bernard.

No, it has to be all three!

If I go with you and get talking to her, you'll be hovering, hovering,

and the girl gets awkward, awkward cos she thinks you and I are a thing, thing, thing.

But all of us go, I catch her eye, natural, natural.

We need Bernard to get to my person.

You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls.

Who is she anyway, this so-called person?

Rowena. She's a friend of Anne's.

Oh! I see.

Ro-weena!

Row-weee-na!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

What am I supposed to do, when you do the underpants charleston with this tart?

Why are you so angry?

I can't help being angry when I'm furious!

It's no big deal.

Before you move to the country to raise your bearded freak circus,

tell me about her. What are her prospects?

She's nice.

She's nice?

Don't make me get sick into my own scorn.

Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants?

I don't know. I like her and there's a good chance she likes me.

Well, we are going to this party

cos I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you

and all I can see is you in a dress.

Come on, come on!

OK, let's go! >

Wait, we can't go yet!

BOTH: Why?

I need my kit.

Kazoo... snuff...

..thimbles... amulet...

..swabs... plums...

Things to accidentally leave behind, near Rowena,

so she finds them and I have an excuse to ring her.

Can't you ring and say "I'd like to see you again?"

Don't be stupid!

I don't want her to think I'm gay.

Can we go now?

All set. Let's parrr...

Don't you dare use the word party as a verb in this shop!

Let's p... potter along,

in order to attend the party!

Fran, get the wine!

Sure!

Lies! Subterfuge! Shit and corruption!

< (BERNARD, MANNY AND FRAN SING DRUNKENLY)

CRASH

< Oi, you lot, be quiet!

< ALL: Shut up!

< We live here.

< No, here. You live here.

< The key... the key won't go in the thing!

< Bernard, you're using your finger.

< Oh, yeah.

My hair. Is my hair still good?

Yeah, you're a vision.

See? I told you about hair power.

Three blokes put their phone numbers into my new phone.

Look...

..I'm dancing.

Bernard, why aren't you dancing?

There's no music.

Well, sing us a song, then. You're Irish.

That's what the Irish do after a drink, isn't it?

Wha' would I sing?

Something about cliffs and a girl with golden black hair

and the English all being bad.

Sing it yourself.

Fine.

# Oh, Eamon, Donnie, dear

# I miss the Galway Bay

# TIN WHISTLE

# But I'll see it afore I die

# WILD IMPROV ON TIN WHISTLE

# A riddle-diddle Dublin Donegal

# The English are all bollocks #

This is no good, we need proper music.

I know! We'll have a dancing competition.

I'll go first and then it's you, Manny, OK?

# MOTORHEAD: The Ace Of Spades

I'm going next cos that's rubbish.

You can't dance. At the party, you embarrassed us.

I'll have you any day.

You can't do this.

Why would I want to do that?

Why would I want to when I can do this?

(ALL GRUNT, PANT AND COUGH)

Oh...

Agh!

What is this I'm drinking?

It's like a choc-ice fell into a bottle of bleach.

It's children's booze!

What's yours?

Bludge.

It's good. You don't even have to drink it.

You rub it on your hips and it eats through to your liver.

Manny, what's yours?

Delicio's Beetroot Liqueur.

Give us a bit, there. Swap, come on.

(GRUNTS)

It's mine!

Manny, don't be a baby. Pour some!

I'll have one. I'll have it with ice and on fire.

No, it's mine. It's all mine!

I'm gonna get blind drunk.

Don't be silly. You'll regret it tomorrow.

No!

Why are you always bringing the mood down?

I didn't want to leave that party! It was great.

No, it wasn't.

The music was too loud, the food was cold,

the drinks were few and the people, many.

It was everything I expected and less.

I'm never going outside again unless I need some place to throw up.

Anyway, you got your chance with her. What did you talk about?

Offshore wind farms.

I couldn't think of anything else.

Never mind, I'm sure you left a Bunsen burner behind.

You can go round and pick it up and pull.

No! I couldn't find a moment to plant anything.

She kept following me around - the kitchen, bedroom, bathroom...

Every time I put something down - "Ooh! Mind your swabs!"

"Ooh! You got snuff on your plums!"

It was a total waste of time.

Well, frankly, you're doomed. You and all the shy people are.

Natural selection favours the loud and aggressive.

Genetically, you are a cul-de-sac.

OK. OK, I tried, all right?

At least I tried to make a connection with another person.

When have you ever done that? Eh?

Exactly! You don't have a heart, Bernard, just a shard of ice.

Flint.

Sorry?

I always saw it as a piece of flint.

Mm. You don't see yourself as a human.

You're some kind of superior species, aren't you?

Homo bernardis,

scorning every fool who believes in happiness.

Manny, shush. This is the beetroot talking.

You don't know what love is. You don't have it in you to know.

I had a girlfriend, actually. She died.

A... And anyway...

That's right. Her name was Emma.

Somebody you barely know knocked you back. Big deal.

I'm supposed to be living with her by now and instead,

every morning I wake to see your big, mad, snaggle-toothed head.

So, excuse me if I'm a bit out of sorts sometimes.

Would you like some beetroot liqueur?

You can have it. You can have the whole bottle.

Really, you can have nearly all of it.

Go ahead. Whoa! Don't go mad.

I don't feel like a drink, anyway. I'm making tea, who wants tea?

That is the saddest story I've ever heard. Poor Bernard.

The worst part of it is

she isn't dead, she lives the other side of Priory Road.

What?

Bernard told me about her three years ago.

A year after that, I started this exercise class run by a clown.

Yeah?

Circusise, it was called.

We had to wear these really really big shoes,

so the step stuff was really hard.

It went -

honk, honk! - two, three, four, honk, honk! - two, three, four

and throw! the bucket of water. Honk, honk!...

Fran, Fran, Fran! Try to stick to the story.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Anyway.

After the class, we'd go for a pizza.

And we were talking about boyfriends

and one girl said she'd once got engaged to this awful Irish guy

called...

..Bernard.

Oh!

And the only way she could get out of it

was to get her friend to say that she was dead.

But... she wasn't dead?

No, Manny.

Which is why she was having a pepperoni with extra cheese years later.

Why haven't you told Bernard?

Oh! I couldn't deal with all that.

Can you imagine? All the shouting and blaming. It would be messy.

Listen - you don't tell him.

Don't you ever tell him.

I won't tell.

Manny, I mean it.

I won't tell, I won't!

Not even in ten or 20 years.

No, no way.

OK? Shush.

I won't. No, no.

What about a game of Monopoly?

Now that is a good idea.

Yeah, yeah. OK, all right, here we go.

So, er, OK, Fran, you be the hat,

I'll be the dog and Bernard...

She's alive! Bernard, she's alive!

Fran told me! Fran knows her! Ask her! Ask Fran!

Emma lives in London... still.

I'm sorry, Bernard.

So, are you saying she must've...

Yeah.

I don't believe you.

Well, look, she's in my phone.

Look, that's her full name, isn't it?

I don't... I still don't believe you.

That's a photo of her and me at her last birthday.

One of the many she'll have, still being alive.

Here's her dental records.

It can't be her!

All right - here's her birth certificate.

I keep it tucked in the envelope with the photo of her

reading yesterday's newspaper and wearing the "I Love Life" T-shirt.

So, house rules, as usual.

Fines go in the middle. If we throw three doubles...

How long have you known this?

Couple of years. Does it matter?

Oh! We all want Pall Mall, don't we?

Who else knows, apart from Manny?

Nobody. Hardly anybody. A few people.

Mr Singh, the newsagent. And your parents, I told them.

I tell people at parties if your name comes up.

Well, maybe I know a few things about you.

Maybe I've held onto a few facts.

I've thrown a seven! Beat that!

Manny doesn't know what name you were born with. Have you met Enid?

Don't let's go down this road.

The letter you wrote your mother on the self-help programme,

I found it and I posted it.

Manny,

you did get into the Open University but Bernard tore up the letter.

I read your personal ad, that was good.

"Intelligent, funny, 30-something female

seeks solvent man for sex, possible friendship. Sense of humour irrelevant."

I've been reading your short stories.

That's different.

Have a listen to this.

Gimme that.

"Feared by men and admired by women,

Brendan Blake patted Larry, his barely hominoid, milk-fed gimp."

By the way, you went to the party looking like that.

(SCREAMS)

Well, I think that covers everything.

KNOCKING

Hello?

Rowena!

Hi! Hi... hi.

I don't know if you remember me, we were talking at the party.

Yes, hi, hi.

Hi.

And you left something behind.

Did I?

You were drinking out of this and...

and I thought maybe you wanted the cup, so I asked Anne where you lived

But you're busy. I'm sorry.

I'm stupid.

No, thanks for bring it round.

I'm really pleased that you came round

with... it.

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Well, th... thanks, thanks.

I'll just put that there, safe and sound.

So... (LAUGHS)

Erm... That's about it, really.

(Right, right.)

Well, thanks for, er, bringing it round.

Offer her something, you fool!

Oh! Seeing as you're here, would you like some tea

or a Bovril? Or a herbal Bovril?

Tea's nice.

Tea! Coming up.

I'll help you make it!

(GIGGLES)

THUMPING FOOTSTEPS

Aw, good for Manny.

I'm sorry. I should have told you about Emma but she asked me not to.

I was too good for her, anyway.

She had arms like a stevedore. Stay and have a drink.

Oh, no, no. I've got to go home.

I'm not sleeping in this kip again.

I'll just lie down, just to rest my eyes.

I've got a date tomorrow. I've got to look nice.

(SNORES)

Hi, could I talk with Emma... Oh, it's you, hi.

Yes, that's right, it's me. I'm very well.

Actually, no - I'm dead.

How are you?

That's right, I'm physically dead. It's not funny now, is it?

I'm haunting you, that's what I'm doing.

Why don't you f...

You can't hang up on the undead!

↑ (GIGGLES)

SHUT UP!

Bernard, did you want something?

I want not to hear squawking or squeaking or squealing.

If I do, I'll throw you both into the street.

Right.

Nighty-night.

Eh?

Subtitles by Intelfax