Original subtitles

(WHEEZES)

(COUGHS)

"You have five new messages."

BEEP

"Yo, Manny! Paul here."

"The annual reggae barbecue on the barge is go!"

"Bring Pam or Sam or whatever her name is."

"Message deleted."

"Hey, Manny, this Richard."

"The Manster!"

"Er, Manny, Paul again."

"Listen, sorry, I forgot to say,

please don't bring that grumpy Irish bast..."

Where've you been? It's a busy weekend. You're doing triple shifts.

I was seeing some friends, actually. Anyone called?

No, not a soul.

Ah. Nobody rings me these days.

Yeah, it's a mystery, what with your sandals and the egg in your beard.

Hey, Manny, guess what? I bumped into Paul. He's invited me, as well.

To what?

The reggae barbecue. He said he left you a message.

No. No-one's called here.

Look, you've got a message.

No, don't touch that. That light means the machine needs more salt.

Don't touch it. Don't touch it!

"Manny? It's your mum."

"We left a message to say we were coming for the weekend."

"And you didn't ring us back, so we assumed it was OK."

"We should get there some time between 5.45 and 5.47."

Bernard, will it be all right if my mum and dad come and stay?

Absolutely not. It's a busy weekend.

But they're coming now!

They're driving now, arguing about whose fault it was

that Auntie Dora snubbed Auntie Nora in 1953! What am I gonna say?

I don't care.

But the... The...

Not my problem. It's my house, though and I'm not having it infected

with the kind of specimens capable of producing you.

Bernard, can I have a little chat, just for a mo?

No.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

You are being very mean to Manny.

I can't help it. He looks like a horse in a man costume.

It's his mum and dad for a weekend. Why can't he have them round?

That's easy for you to say. You'll be off on the barge,

trying to find your booty in a haze of gange and ting.

How did you know it was on a barge?

I didn't, I don't. I... don't. I...

You nasty man. You've been screening his calls.

He doesn't need friends! They're bad for him, they make him giddy.

Let them stay, or I'll tell him.

Would you be around to help out?

No. (WEST INDIAN) I be on da boat, far away from da parent claat.

(KISSES TEETH) Cha.

Fine. They're not staying.

All right, I'll be here. Why are you worried? It'll be fun.

Really? Well, I want that in writing.

"It'll... be... fun."

Sign it. Sign it.

"Signed Fran Katzenjammer."

All right, they can stay.

Oh, thanks, Bernard. That's fantastic. They're staying.

(MANIC) They're staying! Argh!

I can't breathe! The walls are closing in!

Stop it.

Oh!

Stop dying!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

It's only your parents...

Arrgh! God!

He's hysterical, leave him to me.

(PANTS NOISILY)

Clear out. CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!

CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!

OK, deep, deep breaths.

(SQUEALS)

CALM!

It can't be done, I can't clean the shop in time!

Manny, I'll pass on a secret known only to women and gay men.

You don't have to clean. You can cover stuff with an Indian throw.

Hadja-shazam!

Brilliant.

Right. Ha-a-zja...

(MUMBLES)

Down! Down!

You'll be nice, won't you, Bernard?

(CRACKS KNUCKLES)

Quit that!

Sorry, my mum does that.

# Pardon me, boy Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?

# Track 29 Oh, won't you give me...

Stop singing.

Sorry. My dad does that.

Everything's fine, Manny. You're all ready.

Remember to wash behind your ears?

Yeah. No!

I'm joking.

Oh. I'm not ready. I'll never be ready. What time is it?

5.46.

BOTH: Manny!

Moo-Ma! Moo-Pa!

Mwah! Mwah!

So, did you have a...? Traffic, was the traffic all right?

BOTH: Oh, yes.

You... You had a good journey? Good. Pleasant trip?

Yes, yes.

Good, good. And so... so, are you well?

Easy.

Easy, easy! Well, I expect you'll want to beat the traffic.

It's been lovely. Thank you for coming, lovely to see you. Bye!

Well, this is nice.

Very nice.

Won't you give me...

(CLEARS THROAT NOISILY)

It's so nice to meet you at last, Fran.

Yes, you too.

Shop's still called Black Books, I see.

Yeah. I was gonna call it World Of Tights

but you know how stupid people are, you have to spell everything out.

Manny mentioned you were making him a partner.

So I thought it might be Black & Bianco Books.

Or Bianco & Black Books.

Yes, that has a nice ring.

CRUNCH

Um, why don't I show you two your room?

You probably want to relax, unpack, before we go out.

You're in my room, it's at the top of the stairs.

I'll be on the old sofa.

So if you need anything, just shout out "Manny-Moo!"

Ah, that seemed to go quite well.

(LAUGHS)

SQUEAK

Would you like to explain before I turn you into a moo-corpse?!

Well, when I write them a letter, I tend to put a gloss on things.

Anything else we should know?

They kept asking me whether I was seeing anyone.

And I did say – and this is a bit of a fib –

that I had a girlfriend.

Hmm. What's she like, then?

Well, she's... about medium height, dark hair,

name's Fran.

I just want them to be happy.

Just touch me on the knee now and again till Sunday.

OK. But there won't be any kissing.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Oh-ho, no-o-o.

Although...

I rather fancy the tagliatelle with whole baby squid.

That sounds delicious.

Oh, yeah. Only £17.50.

Jesus!

I mean, erm, I heard once that squid

can sometimes survive the cooking process

and wake up in your stomach and strangle your heart.

Maybe not the squid.

Here, the garden salad is amazing. That's what we should have.

Oh, righto, then.

Where's the wine list?

Here.

They've got a rather cheeky Lafite for under a hundred quid.

What about the Pinot Ni-naw-ni-naw?

£2.85.

Well, this is lovely.

Reminds me of the first time I ever went to an Italian restaurant. 1965.

I went in and the first thing I saw... Oh, no, maybe it was 1964.

Couldn't have been 1963 – I couldn't drive then, could I?

I don't think I had the Hillman.

No, I bought the Hillman in 1966, that was the year of the World Cup.

I bought it at an auction. This chap there was fascinating. He once...

Oh, dear, I've dropped my fork. Excuse me.

Give me a martini, will you?

He also worked for Sir Leonard Hutton, the great cricketer.

Whoops, butterfingers!

Bernard, don't be like this. Help him out. It's just till Sunday.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, it was definitely 1963. Or 2.

# Track 29...

People are leaving it too late these days. I don't think that's wise.

Leaving what late?

Babies.

Why are you mentioning babies?

Who else do you give a choo-choo to?

Oops!

Give me a daiquiri.

I am not going back up.

I'll stay here forever and live on broken bread sticks.

Oh, no, come on.

It's fun, fun, fun!

Wine, please.

Lots of wine.

Expensive.

From the bottom of the list.

Wine. Wine!

Are you sure, Manny?

The bill was rather a lot. Shall we pay for some of it?

I couldn't let you do that.

He's quite the Mr Moneybags now.

Yes, it's the least I could do.

Well, thank you.

Well, boys. Shall we leave the ladies to it?

You must have a lot to talk about.

We'll just settle in next door with a brandy.

Oh, I thought you were serious there! Very good.

This is the good stuff, Manny. Come on!

Have fun.

I spend most of my time working for the big companies.

But I did have a dabble at being an entrepreneur. Like you two.

1972, it was. I got back from that conference...

No, 1973 it must've been. We weren't in the bungalow any more.

That's right, we moved into the semi. Or was it the gatehouse?

More details! What time of year? What jumper were you wearing?

Of course, I went under in '76. Aah! That's when we moved into the semi!

Oh, but I'm so proud of you, Manny.

It's what you want, for your children to do better than you.

Not to work for somebody else, but to be in control!

To Manny and his immense success.

Ah-ha!

So, Manny's good to you, is he?

Yes, he's a... He's a wonderful friend.

Oh. Yes, I see.

And lover, obviously.

Though it's a bit strange to talk to you about it.

Well, I was young once!

Well, the sex is unbelievable, he's a beast.

(SLURRED) When you run the show,

sometimes you've gotta be a bit of a bastard.

If you'll excuse my French. Am I right or am I right?

Yes, Moo-Pa, yes. We had this customer one time,

shoplifting from us. Had the nerve to try and sell us the books back!

(LAUGHS) What did you do with him?

Well, I told him, I said "This really isn't on."

I bet your exact words were more like "Do I look like a donkey?!"

"Think you can take me for a ride? Thief!"

"Get out of my shop or I'll tear you open like a bag of crisps!"

Oh, look. You've got him excited.

Oh, hello, Moo-Ma.

Time for bed.

Oh, doesn't your mother look lovely? Eh? Eh?

I'll be off, see you tomorrow.

Oh, don't leave on our account.

I bet you two would like to snuggle up on the couch.

Good night, then.

Yeah, good night. Hmm.

How many did you have?

Oh, two little ones. Well, six little ones.

My bedroom is next to theirs.

If I hear any nonagenarian hanky-panky, I'm calling the police.

No. No, I won't go back in the cupboard.

(Excuse me.)

You two can just have a lie-in.

Moo-Pa and I always get up early, so we've opened up the shop.

Where's my dress?

Oh, it's in the wash. I put yours and Manny's in together.

(RETCHES)

I had to wash Bernard's separately. They were a bit dirty.

↑ Who tidied my room? Who shaved me?

Who washed my clothes?

Morning, Bernard.

Oh, God, you're still alive!

Listen, it's Saturday here in London Town,

why don't you nip out and see a few of the sights?

London can be very expensive.

Oh, don't worry about that. Go and see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Twice.

We couldn't dream of it.

D'you know what we'd like to do?

Anything, please, name it.

Just stay right here with all of you

MOO-PA: Ahh.

Oh, here's Manny in the paddling pool.

So much body hair for a seven-year-old.

The doctors were always ringing up.

They offered us a lot of money to show you at the university.

(YAWNS) Well, what a day that was.

Absolutely packed with fun-stuffed memories.

But I'm off to bed now. Thank you.

(YAWNS) Me, too. I can barely keep my eyes open.

I'd better go home and crash. Bye.

It's one in the afternoon.

Is it? Oh, Christ!

Oh, here's Manny on his tricycle.

It's up in the loft now. It'd be lovely if somebody else could use it

Wouldn't it be lovely?

Manny, er, can... can you help us with something through here?

< Won't take a moment.

Righto. I'll just, er...

(GASPS)

(SPLUTTERS)

Unless they go in the next hour, I will tell your mother that I'm a psycho biker junkie whore.

It's just for the weekend!

Not another hour, not another minute.

I'm about to stop playing Who Shall I Kill First in my head and go for what feels natural.

I think I'll start with me, then it's you.

Make them go.

LOUD THUD

Erm... it, er... it's a shame that, er, you won't be able to stay.

< Isn't it?

Well, yes, it is, especially as we... don't need to go.

We don't need to go till Wednesday.

Oh, I'm sorry, that sounds like we're imposing.

Oh, no... erm... no. Would you like to... to stay till... Wednesday?

Well, if it's no trouble.

Would... Would...

Wonderful.

Yeah! Uhh... Uh...

Ehh... I just...

And?

Erm... Well, the thing is...

Yes?

They've gone.

I told them to go... and they went.

Ohhh, I feel a bit bad now.

Still, it's too late to change it.

Well, if I'm gonna be here till Wednesday, I can get cracking on this sink.

I think I'll need my multi-tool.

Have you got a multi-tool, Bernard? Couldn't live without mine.

How... long did you think that was going to last?

I was hoping for about five minutes.

Aaargh.

SLAP

Moo-Ma, Moo-Pa...

I haven't been completely straight with you.

See,... I'm not a partner in the company...

and Fran...

isn't... my girlfriend.

I'm just a bloke that works in a book shop and...

spends evenings eating cereal.

And I know you'll be very angry with me... and you'll want to go.

Oh, Manny, you don't have to invent things to make us happy.

We love you whatever you do.

Well,... erm... bearing that in mind...

could you go now, please?

We are terribly busy...

Sorry! That's just how it is.

I'm sorry to hear that. We'd... better head off.

We wouldn't want to be a burden, especially not to you.

Your mother was... busy raising you when she gave up her job.

Then wouldn't take her back.

Come along, darling... Manny's busy.

Mm.

No, no, we need a chance to catch up. It's too hard in London. Why don't I come up to you?

I could have a holiday, couldn't I, Bernard?

Sure. Take the week.

It's a deal. Auntie Nora will be there, and Auntie Dora of course.

See you then, darling. Bye-bye.

Bye, Moo-Ma.

A-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Bye... Ha... ha...

Bye.

Well,... they're gone.

OK?

Yeah.

Should imagine you'll... get a whole week with them, all to yourself.

(CHUCKLES)

Noooooooooooo! >

(BOTH HUM)

A week! A week, what have I done?! >

Help me, help me!

Intelfax Subtitles SAM KINGSLEY WILL MANN