Original subtitles

Smoking makes you dead.

It means you get all black inside,

and swell up like a whale and explode in hospitals.

Daddy says criminals and bad people smoke.

Timmy?

He's not bothering you, is he?

No, but I don't allow ice cream in the shop.

I don't have an ice cream.

I think Timmy's telling a naughty fib.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Outside, now! No books for you.

I'm so sorry.

Not at all.

'"My, what a lovely carrot" said the hippo.'

'"But is it organic?" said the rabbit in a squeaky voice.'

Oh, sorry. (SQUEAKILY) '"But is it organic?" said the...'

(SIGHS) Bernard. Bernard.

What?

It's hot in the worm.

Can I have a break?

You could, but you'd shatter the magic for the children, so no.

'"No, it's not organic"

'"I don't want it, then" said the fussy rabbit.'

Ow. Ow! Look, it's a real beard, I've told you!

Right, I'm finished. They're gonna pick me up for the hen night,

we're going to a big house in the country. It'll be brilliant!

Not if your night begins with the word "hen", the prefix of doom.

It'll be great! All the school gang back together.

You hated school, it was terrible.

I've never said that.

No need. I just look at your life and work backwards.

Bernard.

You haven't finished, worm! What happened to the rabbit?

He... starved to death. The end.

I could write a better kids' book than this. This stuff is awful.

Pretty pictures, simple stories, something the tykes can enjoy.

Then they could see the film, get the stickers, play the X-Box game.

It'll be my gift to childrenkind everywhere.

Everyone thinks they could write a children's book. It's not easy.

They go for any old rubbish.

Children are very discerning.

No, they're not. We could crank out any old gumph and they'd lap it up.

Not gumph, let's write a classic.

You and me, together!

You two could never do it.

We could, before you even get back!

OK. I'm back tomorrow.

A million billion pounds says you'll have nothing to show me.

Let's make it interesting and say 50.

OK.

And another 50 says you have the most appalling night of your life.

Oh, Fran, you forgot your bag!

Look, there it is!

Fantastic! God!

Let's make a huge dinner.

No, I don't wanna eat! Much later!

Yeah, yeah! Come on, come on!

(ALL WHOOP HAPPILY)

Now. Booze!

Oh. Is that enough?

Oh, great, we've got loads!

BOTTLES MEET TABLETOP

Did you bring anything else, Dr Death?

Just this.

Oh, God. Life Cry.

I haven't seen that since our school reunion.

You always know you're in for a good night

when there's a polar bear bleeding... on the label.

Manny, it's been hours, we haven't written anything.

You're not pulling your weight.

Manny. Agree with me when I'm talking to you!

Manny?

Manny!

Hello?

Back in the worm.

I don't want to go back in the worm.

Back in the worm!

I've been ready to write for ages!

I've been waiting for you!

I've been waiting for you.

Well, I'm ready.

So let's start, then, come on!

(CLEARS THROAT)

We should do some research!

Yes, we have to know what we're up against!

Yes! Here we go.

(CLEARS THROAT, MUMBLES)

(SNIGGERS) Look at...

I hadn't realised the competition was this bad.

This is drivel! Ball, duck, umbrella. On and on it goes.

With no hint of plot.

It's just as well we looked at these. Now we know how easy it's gonna be.

Yeah.

All right, then. Get that...

I don't think we can do this until we've thought a bit about children.

Absolutely. Let us consider...

..the modern child.

Yes.

What do they want in a book?

Who cares? We'll have to write for ourselves as children.

When innocence was legal, when summers seemed to go on forever.

A-And you'd cycle miles just to tell a friend you'd seen a frog.

When you could play in your back yard with any old thing.

All I needed was a... was a breeze block,

and a... and a bit of an old bone.

I bet you could make whole worlds with just those.

I could! One minute I'd be laying siege to a castle

with a bit of old bone on top there, and the next minute

I'd be setting sail on a Spanish galleon towards a breeze block.

Mm. Come on, let's start!

Yes. Right.

Here we go.

I'm so happy for you and your lovely fiance...

Mark.

MOANS >

Now. Speeches.

Now, Becky... (SLURRED) I love you.

Oh...

Don't interrupt!

Look, we have known each other for a long time.

(BURPS)

But what's time? There's no such thing, there's only love.

Aw.

DON'T... INTERRUPT!

I love you... all the time. Yeah.

And I'd... like to say...

No. Brides don't say.

Brides... eat cake.

(MOANS PLEASURABLY)

(ALL CHEER)

# BANANARAMA: Venus

Bamanaramra!

# Burning like a silver flame

# The summit of beauty and love

# And Venus was her name

# She's got it... #

Manny Blanco - nul points. My go.

PHONE RINGS

"# Bananarama"

Heeeeeey!

Oh, hello.

Thought you'd want to hear the sound of four girls having the best time.

CHEERING

Yeah, I bet you're crying on the inside.

How's the book coming?

Er, brilliant, really very well.

Come on, Fran, come and dance.

I'm just listening to Bernard lying.

Remember - £100, and I want cash, not forged book tokens this time!

# BANANARAMA

Becky, tell me you're happy!

I'm so happy, any more would be bad!

Well, it gets better. For now is the time... for Life Cry!

No, Fran, no more.

Yes, and we shall play a game.

No. No games.

GAME!

MUSIC STOPS

Remember this? It's time for a nice game of... truth.

Oh, I hate that.

Oh. Maybe you'll enjoy it more after another bit of cake.

No. No more cake, please.

Games! (SLAMS TABLE) Cake! Booze! TRUTH!

We can't let her win. Come on, to work.

Right, right.

OK, OK.

OK, here we go, here we go. Er...

Book... for...

Kids.

Let's get some ideas bouncing around, sort of go crazy. No... No rules.

Sort of anything goes.

NOT ANYTHING GOES! I SAID NO RULES!

Hit me, hit me.

Right! Something... with a... a fox!

No.

Right! Er... Ah! Ah! What about a... London pigeon?

No, no, no, that's terrible, that makes me cringe, no. No, no.

Oh, it's something, no, you know...

How about a mouse? Now we're getting somewhere. I'm writing down "mouse"!

Now, who is this mouse? Where is he from? Where is he going?

Where does he live?

Er, he lives... He lives, erm...

This had better be good, this had better be perfect.

He lives... in... a... bottle bank!

Oh-ho! Brilliant! Fabulous!

And he-he-he... plays the trombone!

Keep going! Keep going!

And he... he only eats... licorice!

This is solid gold! Solid gold!

His best friend is a... panda!

NO! NO! NO!

AWFUL! BILGE! CHILD'S POISON!

You... Stay away from the story, I'll deal with the plot.

You can... do pictures as I hand you the pages.

Something bright and idiotic.

And I will co-write this... with myself!

KEYS SNAP WILDLY

Hah! Huh?

(CHUCKLES HAPPILY)

THAT'S RUBBISH!

START AGAIN!

(MOUTHS)

So, what do you think?

It's, erm... It's brilliant.

Erm, might be a little long at 1,030 pages.

We could lose about 1½ pages from that sequence in the summer house,

but the rest is totally essential.

The plot's, erm... interesting.

Erm, might be a bit complex for the 3 to 6s.

It couldn't be simpler! There's the academic

who survived the Stalinist purges and is having flashbacks to that time.

His daughter, whose bitter marriage is collapsing,

and the journalist who suspects the academic wasn't in Russia at the time

who falls in love with the daughter and sacrifices his career to become a lens grinder in Omsk. I mean...

What's wrong? I don't think we should talk down to children.

Bernard, it's brilliant, i-it is. It's so good. I mean...

I'm very excited about how excited everybody will be when they see it.

It is exciting. I just have two teeny weeny suggestions for changes.

Which are?

Well, (CLEARS THROAT) instead of the, er...

academic and the journalist's daughter, erm,

perhaps it could be about an... elephant.

An elephant?

That's right.

I see.

What's your other suggestion?

Er, instead of the Stalinist purges, the divorce and the investigation,

erm, it could be about... losing a balloon.

An elephant who loses his balloon?

That's it.

But it would still be my story, in essence, my vision.

Oh, yes, completely.

Yes, all right, let's do that, then, come on!

Oh, look, it's me again.

Here's one. Tanya. I told Hugh Conte, remember,

that you were the one... who gave him crabs.

You wouldn't do that.

Why did you do that?!

He was really itchy!

(CACKLES)

Who's next?!

I can't believe you kissed my dad.

Why didn't you tell us you were the one stealing clothes from college?

We were freaked out!

I was young.

D'you still have my polka-dot dress?

No, I made it into toilet curtains.

As we're playing truth, Fran, I think you're a bit jealous.

That's why you got us pissed and made us play your stupid games,

to bring us down to your level.

What am I jealous of?

Well, I've got a career.

I've got a job and a family.

(BLOWS)

I'm getting married.

And you... are still...

the same old... Auntie Millicent. (GUFFAWS SILENTLY)

W-Who's Auntie Millicent?

She's what we used to call you...

cos we knew you'd turn into a crazy spinster!

And you have, really. Hanging out with the two freaks at the book shop

It was, wasn't it? Auntie Millicent who lived in the crooked house.

With loads of cats.

That's right! Purple cats, and you had sex with them all!

(HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER)

At least I didn't have a threesome with Mark on the night of the school reunion.

Oh dear, did I just say that(?)

Becky, we were going to tell you.

Obviously, we were going to tell you,... just not like this.

So what now, Fran? You could've just kept your mouth shut.

Exactly! Lee said...

Shut up, Tanya!

I was... waiting for the right time to tell you, Becky.

Like her anniversary or something(?)

# BANANARAMA: More More More

# Do what you gotta do

Anyone for a nightcap?

# More, more, more How d'you like it, how d'you like it?

# More, more, more... #

(SLURRED) I'm going to read it again.

There's the elephant...

"He's happy with his balloon."

"Oh, no! It's gone!"

"Where... is it?"

"It's not behind the rhino."

"Look in the alligator's mouth."

BOTH: "It's not there either."

"Oh! The monkey's got it in the tree!"

"He brings it back."

BOTH: "They all drink lemonade. The end."

GLASSES CLINK

Here's to us. (SIGHS)

Bernard, I feel sorry for the children who grew up before they could read this book.

(SLURRED) Manny, we are going to be... ve-very rich.

How rich, Bernard?

Oh, uncontrollably, incontinently rich.

And Fran will be humiliated.

Yeah!

See, we don't need this dirty, filthy everyday money.

Success... will bring problems.

I don't want to wake up in rehab with Shergar.

What problems? We're on a pig's back charging through a velvet field.

There will be pressure for a follow-up. People will say

"Hey, Elephant Balloon guys, it's been a while, where's the next one?"

Who cares what our disgusting public think?

And the houses. You'll be in your Mustique house and think

"Oh, no, where's my designer underpants? Oh, they're in my Kong Hong house!"

Oh, no!

Th-There's the press intrusion.

The press? Will they be onto us?

They'll hound us like a pack of... hounds!

But I'm just strolling up the beach with my discreetly pregnant Brazilian girlfriend.

(TOTALLY DRUNK) And then the boat appears laden with paparizzi and I'll say "You filth!"

Filth!

"Take a photo of me if you must, but leave her out of it!"

She didn't ask for any of this, she's just an ordinary lingerie model!

I can't deal with it!

I just wanna live in my normal mansion with my normal helicopter and yacht. Is that too much to ask?

No! Manny, we must undo this thing.

What d'you mean?

It has to go.

You're right, Bernard. It's our only chance of living a normal life.

Ready?

This is the right thing to do.

Yeah, Mustique's quite nice, but...

Get it out!

CRASH

It was... a big animal... like a hippo or a whale.

Or a camel. I think it was a camel.

Was it? It had lost something.

Yeah, a wheelbarrow, a-a chest of drawers, a microlight, er...

I don't know, Bernard, it's not coming back, it's never coming back!

Oh.

You haven't written anything.

We wrote a very good children's book.

Yes, we had to burn it because it was too good.

Course. I understand, it happens all the time. £50, please.

What sort of time did you have anyway? Really?

It... was... bliss!

I was... It was so amazing.

It couldn't have been better, the best time in the whole world.

Oh, there you go, it was awful.

But, well, the wedding's off, so I don't have to buy a present.

Hey, I'm up on the weekend.

Mister, mister, how much is this?

It's a first edition, it's expensive.

I've saved up all my pocket money, I've got £9.

Oh, well done, you.

That is a lot of money.

Yeah, but it's still £50, so...

It's my favourite book ever, I wish I had £50.

It's really your favourite book ever?

I love it more than anything in the world!

Well, you...

I've never said this to anybody, but you're gonna have to get a job.

Intelfax Subtitles Joan Margalith