Original subtitles

Erm, how much is this?

£3.

Oh. Hmm. Hmm.

Something wrong with your head?

(SIGHS)

Is it just uncontrollable?

Erm...

Perhaps I should put the price down.

I was thinking £2.

Because £3 is naked profiteering

for a book a mere... 912 pages long.

What'll I do with that extra pound?

Add an acre to the grounds, chuck some koi carp in the pond.

I know - I'll build a wing on the National Gallery.

£2.50.

That's more like it.

Now you're being reasonable.

£2.50 gets you...

RIPPING

..this much. The rest is yours with the other 50p.

BELL

Thank you.

Bernard...

Don't start, customer lover.

I'm just off to get the paint.

The shop is the way it is because it's the way it is.

If it wasn't the way it is it wouldn't be the way it is.

It needs doing.

It has character.

Character is an ambiance, a feeling, not something with fur and a beak.

SCUTTLING AND GRUNTING

YELPING

Flew the nest again.

I'm getting two brushes, by the way.

You can paint with both hands.

I was thinking that...

You just thought you were thinking.

Maybe if...

No!

But if...

No! I don't want to be bothered,

you big hairy...

Oh, hello.

Hello.

What's the matter with you?

Dunno.

I'm just a big cloud of "dunno."

Since my shop closed I feel empty all the time.

You hated your shop.

Yeah. But hating it took up my whole life.

Without it I'm disconnected. I keep buying things.

I went to get a paper and I came back with all this.

Chocolate. Magazines.

And a Vauxhall Astra.

This is a difficult time. Don't be ashamed to get professional help.

You mean I should talk to a...

Barman. The pub. Right now.

Think it's that serious?

Oh, yes! Manny, look after the shop until Manny gets...

You're not busy, are you? Keep an eye on the shop.

CASH REGISTER JANGLES

Sorry. Wrong shop.

# CLASSICAL

Manny!

I'm the information point. Can I help?

I hope so. I was looking for a pair of hobnail boots.

I want to jump up and down on somebody who's ruining my life.

I can explain. I went to that big bookshop, Saga Books.

(SPITS)

They had coffee and places to sit.

I thought we should be like them.

I bought £114-worth of books because it was so nice in there.

Look at this, a novel by a 12-year-old Spaniard.

An Account Of The Nazi Space Programme.

This won't work.

A large-print biography of Basil Brush.

BANGING

No-one needs sofas that eat you or information points.

Fran did. She wanted something to do

so I suggested she check out her family tree and informed her of our genealogy section.

Hey, hey, if you trace it back, and I might be wrong,

but I come from a very good line and apparently I am Queen Victoria's...

uncle.

I'll start again.

It's all going back to how it was.

Coffee and books is a fad.

Nobody is gonna be fooled by this.

Could I have these, please?

Sorry. They're £80.

It's a lot. But your information point showed me where they were

and I sat on your sofa and flicked through

and I thought "Oh, treat yourself."

Come again.

With coffee that good I think I will.

CREAKING

Bernard, put your thing on.

I'm back now.

I know!

I've been to the shops. That deserves a star.

No. Stars are for achievement.

My 40th cigarette this afternoon.

Wait for this. It's brilliant.

I had another go at my family tree

and I have relatives from Eastern Europe living round the corner.

Is that news or what?

Oooh.

It's amazing putting it together. Stop me if it's boring.

First you check the parish records.

Stop.

Well, I don't care.

Because I've got roots. I don't need you.

Sorry to be such a BORE!

INTERFERENCE

If you'll excuse me I'm going to be with my people.

Erm... pol... poliknish.

Poliknish!

(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT) Oh, no, don't wipe.

You've never had a Tishthian kiss before.

You poor girl.

Here she is.

(BOTH CHEER)

BOTH: Poliknish!

This is Fredric.

Martina.

And Gregor.

Our long lost cousin.

Sit, Fran, sit.

Drink bean tea with us.

Oh, it's in a little glass.

No, that's your right hand.

That's how they drink in Afbekistan.

Anyone who drinks tea with their right hand is an enemy.

ALL: Hooray!

Tell us about yourself.

Well, I was born...

Do you have a car?

Er, yes. Well, it's just an Astra.

Traviski!

To have a success in our family!

Someone who owns an Astra.

(MUTTER AMONGST THEMSELVES)

Poliknish.

Oh, isn't this nice?

(NERVOUSLY) Pol... Poliknish.

I must have the rest of that book. Here's that 50p.

(MIMCS HIM) Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

I was thinking £15.

What?

No, you're right. £25.

This is totally unfair.

Hmm. Hmm.

What you just did contravenes our customer code promise pledge.

We must offer a service like the big shops.

That's why we came up with the CCPP.

Oh, we did, did we?

You were with a customer.

The fellow with the red hair. Called you Bern because of your badge.

Quite funny, actually. Bern.

One - the customer is not only always right but fun to be around.

Remark on their wise choices and laugh at their jokes.

If you're wearing a low-cut top well, no harm done.

Can't say it's not working.

Two - if the sides of your head don't hurt you're not smiling enough.

Yes. More, more. No, that looks nasty.

That's it.

Management should have regular meetings with the staff to sound out grievances.

Manny, how's it going?

Fine.

Good. Meeting over.

Look, you've popped out.

What are you doing tomorrow?

Nothing planned.

Martina's moving to a flat and needs some help and we don't have a car.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

I'll help. No problem.

After that there's some ham I need to pick up from Folkestone.

Lots of ham.

Folkestone?

Sure. I'll take you. Yeah.

(ALL CHEER)

See that bloke with the cappuccino,

I just sold him Ulysees and A Guide To Ulysees.

Now, can I have a star, please?

You... can have... as many stars... as you like

because I'm not doing this any more.

I'm sick of this. If we're not reordering some book we're steaming milk for the bambaccinos.

They don't respect us because we've given them everything.

Where did they go?

They went to get some food.

We've got coffee.

You wanted less people in the shop.

Don't twist my words.

That's what you said.

They can't find reasons to leave. We can feed them!

We'll build a pool and a gym and an Egyptian-style casino. No, that's a bit much.

If they could eat they'd buy books all day long.

From now on we'll run a restaurant service. Do Saga Books do that?

We can't run a restaurant.

From now on the only stars we'll be looking at will be Dunlop stars.

Michelin stars.

Them as well.

CHATTERING AND LAUGHTER

I'm tired, Grandma, can I have a cold drink?

Oh, Fran, what you need is some hot bean tea, huh?

Sorry I couldn't help with the hams.

But it messes up my hair.

I, er... I think I'll go home, get to bed.

Yes. Rest, Fran. On Saturday you will take Gregor to the hospital.

It's a little out of the way - Aberdeen.

Oh, no, I can't.

Take a jiffy, two little jiffies.

I can't. Because I'm...

I'm speaking at the London School of Economics and I must have a bath.

Let me explain, Fran.

Any one member of the family is like this bean.

But the family is tightly bound like this sausage.

And if one member does not help the family... Well...

BANG

Saturday. You drive.

CLATTERING

Have you got the lobsters?

Put them in the pot.

What's it gonna be?

Our signature dish - luxury pie.

The food of kings.

Truffles, saffron, caviar.

And champagne.

Drizzle it, drizzle it.

BOTH: Mmmm.

Ritz!

OK. Starters done. Now to the mains.

Bernard, all this food is attracting those creatures.

He's got an onion. It's unhygienic.

All the best kitchen's are dirty. Slice the garlic.

They're huge. We'll soon be able to saddle them up and ride to town.

I'm not convinced we should open as a restaurant

and if we do

we shouldn't open tonight.

Shut up. I'm trying to make creme brulee.

Do you have to drink so much wine?

How are we going to get candles in empty wine bottles?

Two for you. Get stuck in.

Stop talking in English. I want French in my kitchen.

Il n'y a pas de anything else.

Putain!

Mine, I think.

I need some advice.

Hang on.

Right.

That family I found - I met them and really want to get rid of them.

You got me into it. So, Mr Information Man, how do I get out?

OK. What about this?

Fran.

ALL: Fran!

How's the car?

Never better.

Oh. Tea.

Oh. My right hand. How awful.

I'll make it up to you by singing the Tishthian national anthem.

I've been practising.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SINGS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

It's the Afbekistan national anthem.

That verse mocks our country's nuclear power facilities.

Well, you'll have to disown me now.

People with Astras can drink with their right hand and sing anything.

That's how it's been for centuries.

So, we forgive you.

Let's celebrate with a drive and an up-slap meal.

Where's the thing?

On the thing on top of the thing.

Blancmange is always so fiddly.

What's this? Gourmet food is presented in little towers.

Soup.

Well, get it in a tower. Come on.

Show me your hands.

Cooks have burns.

(SCREAMS)

You're a cook. I'll do it to myself. Later.

Come on, come on.

Come on!

Fran, our food's very late.

Fran, make food come.

Manny, I can't get rid of them.

Fran, I want you to be a waitress.

No. I'm sick of doing favours.

I can pay you.

Really?

No.

OK.

Take this out to table 12.

There're no plates.

Use books with pictures of plates on. Do I have to explain everything?

Not enough mint.

Manny, do you have a tower of soup?

Where are the turrets?

It's rubbish!

Where're my ingredients?

We've cooked them all!

I don't care!

We can still make feasts. This paint will make a tasty dish.

My oven can cook anything.

My oven can cook... bits of oven.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, oh yes, oh yes.

Good food at reasonable prices isn't that hard.

Has everyone finished being sick?

↑ MOANING

No. I think Grandma has some way still to go.

I brought you here. You got food poisoning. It's all my fault.

I can't ask you to forgive me now.

The bonds of third-cousin-hood can never be broken.

Now, you'll take us home.

Wait a minute.

Oh no! Something terrible has happened.

FLAMES CRACKLE

Someone's set fire to the car.

Still, I know that in this moment of hardship my family will stick by me.

No, not there. They went over there.

We're a bookshop, Manny.

What is wrong with that?

Restaurant - what were we thinking?

GRUNTING AND SCUTTLING

The bloody sofa and stupid coffee.

< Ridiculous. The place is lovely as it is.

Oh, I'm free.

Anyway, my friends have always been my real family.

What do you want?

A tenner. I need a taxi to my class.

Class? What're you doing?

Persian cats throughout history.

MEWING

I did it! I got the queen.

Intelfax Subtitles ELIZABETH WAGSTAFF