Original subtitles

No,...

No.

Maybe. No, no.

Sales manager in a huge department store.

Too busy.

Beautician on a cruise liner?

Too boaty.

Find work and sort your life out any time. The pub closes in five hours.

Try and help. It's not easy finding a job.

Have Manny's. He's useless. He won't mind.

He can go back to whatever seaman's shelter he was born in.

Enough. The pub. Come on, Manny.

No, I won't bother. I'm useless, apparently. I'll stay here.

Don't take it like that. I only meant it in the sense you never do anything of any use.

I hope you've got keys for when you roll in drunk. I'm off to bed.

PHONE

CONTINUES TO RING

"Manny, I've left my keys somewhere. Bring them over, will you?"

Yes?

Oh, hello, Gus.

Long-time-no-speaky!

Oh? When did you get out?

Yeah. Yeah.

Your nephew? Yeah. Sure we could do a book reading. Yeah.

No problem. Yeah. Listen, Gus,

a friend of mine's looking for work.

You wouldn't happen to know of anything? Yeah. Right.

Great. What's the name?

OK, hang on.

Now we'll see who's useless.

All right, fire away.

Yep. Speak up a bit.

# NEW ORLEANS JAZZ BAND

< MACHINE WHIRRS

Whey!

Oh! Hot! Hot!

Ooops!

Lucky!

# RADIO JAZZ CONTINUES >

Five... six... seven... eight.

Morning! >

Morning.

Well?

Lovely. Job's as good as yours.

This bloke Nugent owes a favour to my mate, Gus. That's the address.

Who's Danny Spudge?

You'll meet him at lunch.

What did Nugent say about the work?

I spoke to Gus after he'd spoken to Danny, so I don't know.

Who's Gus? What lunch?

I'm gonna be late.

Wait!

Now, who's Nugent?

She won't know until she does the job.

Job? How do you know Danny Spudge?

I don't. Gus does.

Who's Gus?

A friend of Nugent.

Hello?

Who are you?

I'm Ralph.

Ralph who?

Don't play games!

Why did they send you?

I just want a book on tape!

What book?

Anything by James Ellroy.

How's Ellroy involved?

Tell me or I'll jam you. Who's Gus?

Gus is a friend of mine.

Keep talking!

I once worked for Gus.

Bit of a crook, well connected. His nephew Danny wrote a book. Gus wants him to do a reading.

I asked for a job for Fran and he put her onto Nugent. No mystery.

OK?

What about this bastard?

He's a customer. I'm sorry, we don't do books on tape. Try down the road.

Yes. Yes. Ye... No!

No! How many times 'ave I...

How many times 'ave I 'eard that?

Just get it sorted! Right?!

(Fran?)

Yeah. Look, we're not living on a farm! Do you take my point?

So just do it because it is your job!

(Vouchers for the canteen. Sorry about this.)

No. No.

NO!

(Take these to the front, they'll show you your desk.)

Great. Right.

Go on. Go on.

Sorry, I don't actually know what...

For Christ's sake! Does he have to be told everything?!

(See ya later.)

Listen, if I 'ave to come down there and show you the box, I will!

But you don't want that. Cos the minute I step in that door,

those boxes travel! In a box!

KEYBOARDS CLICKING FRENETICALLY

'Ow many times? In a box! ↑

I genuinely don't care! >

SHOUTING CONTINUES, MUFFLED

FAINT KEYBOARD & PHONE NOISES

So I left 'im sat there, starin' at 'is fumbs in the ashtray.

It's quite a funny story.

(CHUCKLES)

Thumbs.

In the ashtray.

Thumbs, yeah.

Just lying there, all bloody. And bent.

It's a very, very, very, very, funny, funny story.

It's not that funny.

BOTH: No.

I don't wanna give the punters the wrong impression.

That would be...

Some people fink I'm a fug.

That's very upsettin'.

That's why I did the book. Set a few fings straight.

So they could see the real, adorable you.

EXACTLY!

Anyway, lads, about the book reading. I've got a slight problem.

We can cancel it! Fine. No problem.

Cancel? Naaah, na-na-naaah.

No big fing. It's just I gotta brush up a bit... on me readin' skills.

But you wrote a book.

Naah, ghost writer, innit? Bloke who did the Spice Girls book.

Wow.

So you can gimme lessons, yeah?

Ah, no, we... we...

You can read, can't ya?

Obviously! Everybody can read.

But we...

Everybody... with...

People who...

I think, er, we'll be able to help you.

So, here's to your lessons.

Cheers.

Incidentally, don't tell anyone about this.

Otherwise I'll kill ya both.

And yer mums.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

If I get found out they'll fire me.

Don't worry.

But I don't know what to do. Whether I'm supposed to... or... anything.

I need this job.

You'll pick it up.

It's all about attitude.

Just go in there and give it a go and you'll pick it up.

We don't know how to teach somebody to read but we'll... pick it up.

That's how you learn anything. Like driving or...

Exactly. I'm not worried.

Astrophysics.

Exactly.

Lion taming.

I'm not worried.

DOOR SLAMS

You seen Ted? Braces. Spots.

This is crap. He's crap.

At what?

Everythin'. He doesn't know what he's supposed to be doin'.

There's always one wanker, who faffs around and leaves everyone else to pick up the slack.

How're you gettin' on, all right?

Good. Yeah. Hectic. Pity about Ted.

She hasn't done much since I've been in.

Right. Noted. Cheers, Fran. When do you hand you stuff in, eh? Thursday?

Thursday? Day after tomorrow? Fair's fair. You hired me yesterday, told me nothing about the job.

I'm not going to... keep you waiting till Thursday. First thing tomorrow.

Board's gonna be there. You gonna present it yerself?

Yeah, of course.

Great stuff. I wish Gus would send me a few more like you.

GET ON WITH IT!

"I kept his ear in my pocket for a month. I used to chew it at parties."

"Gets you noticed, I can tell you."

He's insane! This is insane!

Reading is one of those things that can't be taught.

You remember your early books.

"Peter likes Jane, Jane likes Peter. Peter has a ball."

"Jane has no thumbs."

Gentlemen.

Danny.

Hello. Thank you.

Have a seat.

You tellin' me what to do?

BOTH: No! No! No!

Er, have you eaten?

Would you like a jumper?

You're not bored, are you?

Naaah.

Let's start.

OK. If you want to just read a page, we'll find your level.

Hang on, shouldn't I learn the er... what-ya-may-call-'em first? The...

Yes? The what?

The erm... the letters. Alphabet.

I gotta know that before I can make words.

Ahhh!

Yes. Yes, of course.

Manny, a moment.

Just a...

He doesn't know letters. He can't read at all.

So he missed a bit of school. Apparently he's good at snooker.

Is he? Good. Good.

Quick, go and dig out Learning To Read With Steve Davis.

You see?

We're not quitters.

I am a quitter. From a long line of quitters. Amazing I'm here at all.

He's an urchin. A foundling.

We can teach him.

WE CAN'T! LOOK AT THAT FACE!

I bet his cornflakes tried to crawl out of the bowl!

We have to try.

What if we can't?

Just try, Danny.

Please. Guess. What's the letter?

Aaah...

Ohh! I've got a cluster 'eadache.

I'm gettin' upset.

I can't breave! I gotta go.

That's fine!

If you have to.

How long's it take for these lessons to take effect?

I am doin' well, ain't I?

Excellent. Excellent.

A natural. (TITTERS NERVOUSLY)

Oh, good. Good.

Because if I can't read by Friday

you'll both be brown bread.

Buttered! With 'Arry.

On the boat.

(WAILS)

Who's Harry?

(WAILS) I don't have a boat.

There you are. Manny. What do I do?

I have to give a talk or a report or a talk about a report...

Quiet! We've got a real problem.

Do you want me to get fired?

Do you want us to get killed?

Will you both please relax?

It's your fault. All I know about my job is

there are biscuits in the stationery cupboard.

What kind?

We're gonna die!

It's nothing.

It's not nothing. He eats poppadoms without breaking them.

Worry not. And you'll be fine. Just go in there and... do the thing.

What thing?

I love my thumbs.

Don't worry. I'll call Gus. He'll sort us out. Trust me.

What about me? If I get the boot...

Don't worry. Plenty of oomph!

Oomph?

Oomph.

Well, well, well.

What am I doing here?

I ask you that. What's it all about?

< Any ideas?

Ask yourself. Is this...

A - efficient?

and B - productive?

Is this the best we can be?

Are we... or...

are we not...

a company?

Thank you, Fran. Thank you very much.

You're special. You're a leader.

You're gonna head up your own team.

You're going all the way.

Yes, Danny. Yes, Danny. OK. Da... Danny, thank you.

That was Danny. He was very excited about being able to read by tomorrow.

When is Gus coming?

What if Danny doesn't listen to him?

< Everyone listens to Gus.

He's the Fixer.

But Danny said if we told anyone...

We'll be discreet.

I know the lingo.

But what...?

What is this? You think you're a gangster now?

I'm known in all the boroughs.

CAR HORN TOOTS >

Right. Clear off. He doesn't talk to strangers.

Psst!

Manneeee!

Gussss!

Now, Manny, what can I do for you?

It's our little transaction, Gus. Half of it's wobbly.

Tch, tch, tch, tch!

You know how it is. Someone goes in the deep end, get in a flap. Then the bully in them comes out.

And you think "Ooh, hello!"

Dear, oh dear. Michaels, I take it, are being taken?

Ugly words. Threats, in fact.

Mums were mentioned, Gus. Mums.

Ah! This is total lack of respect.

YOU DO IT, BECAUSE IT'S YOUR JOB!

Manny, I've been promoted. I get to bully everyone.

Fatty and Spotty wee themselves every time I walk by.

Fran, this is...

I don't know what I'm doing so don't tell anyone, or else!

This is Mr erm...

Ahh, hello.

CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING BY YOURSELF?

Manny, don't you dare tell anyone.

Mum's the word!

NO, NO, NOOOOO!

Er, sorry about that. The problem...

You're being bullied.

We can't have that! Leave it to me, Manny.

Sorry to trouble you, Gus.

No trouble.

DOOR CLOSES >

What did he say, the midget?

You mustn't call him a midget.

He's a midget. A tiny midget.

What if he overheard?

HE WON'T! HIS EARS ARE TOO SMALL!

Now, what's he gonna do about Danny?

It'll be fine. He'll call him off.

How do you know what he'll do? He's a crook.

Let's just say we've always understood one another.

Go get me some Turkish Delight.

Nugent? Gus. Get rid of the girl.

She's a bully. She's got no respect.

Yeah, threats and everything.

No, I can't tonight, I'm going to see the Coronas Quartet.

It's not fair. I was doing so well.

Everybody loved me. They were lovely people.

You didn't know what you were doing.

Don't interrupt!

I had authority. I was somebody. Can't you talk to Gus? Please.

No, he's already done us a favour, sorting Danny out.

It's unfortunate you got fired immediately after I spoke... to him

but... everything's... gonna be all right... and it'll be OK

because it's all very, very good.

Dreadful people. The Gucchi dwarf.

And that drongo, Danny. As if you could ever teach a thug like that.

Bernard! Shut up!

Gus was genuine underworld

because he has to get on a stepladder to pee. But that huge gonk!

Bernard!

I wish I could see him again. I'd have him! Like that!

Feelin' a bit woozy.

Always get dizzy before the screams.

Before the air is full of gizzards and tendons.

The hair! The blood!

It'll pass in a mo'.

And then... I'm gonna rip...

So you're the one who can't read!

Sit down.

Huh?

I said sit down!

Take that silly look off your big head.

Now, we've drawn an A. Haven't we?

What is it?

It's an... A!

I wanna go to the toilet.

Shut up!

Not until you can read this.

"Nibbly Pig got on a bus."

She's playing with fire. He's not ready for Nibbly Pig.

Here's the divvy.

Keep it down out there, would you?

(Cue Danny.)

"It is a truth, universally acknowledged,

that a single man in possession of a good fortune

must be in want of a wife."

Intelfax Subtitles COLLEEN SAUNDERS