Original subtitles

# DRAMATIC MUSIC

# MUSIC PLAYS BACKWARDS

THUD ECHOES

Three 99s, please.

I'm staring at women.

It's the heat, the dresses, it's driving me nuts.

It's very hot, too hot. What's the temperature?

No, I'm not twelve.

No, go away.

I was only trying to be nice.

I haven't slept for a week,

my flat is suffocating.

Stop asking that.

Mustn't stare. Mustn't stare.

You haven't stared at me.

You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you fell out of a tree.

Go home and get some rest.

I can't sleep there. It's like the walls are closing in on me.

Look at her.

I bet she washes her hair in streams and milks things.

She's not even sweating. Has she not glands?

It's 81 degrees. 81!

Don't block the frock.

But it might get to 88.

It can't.

Shut up, go and have a cold bath.

I've got to get a girlfriend before I turn into a freak who gawps at women.

I'm gonna lie down.

Excuse me, have you got...

Oh.

One for you too.

How do you know what we want?

We don't like the same stuff.

You're going away, you want trash,

but different kinds of trash. You're a woman, you want social themes.

You want plot, suspense. Try this.

This temp, she's 29, she can't get a boyfriend. Oh, my God.

Sounds great.

No way.

And she has to stop a nuclear war.

Oh, right.

One each, then.

SNORING

Get out! Women think you're my girlfriend. Go.

Just for a few hours. In my place I'm writhing, sticky, glistening.

Stop it! Get me a girlfriend, until this wears off.

She'll be a summery girl, she'll have hair, summery friends who know how to be outside.

She'll play tennis, wear dresses, have bare feet.

In the autumn I'll ditch her, cos she's my summer girl.

Get up! Go home!

Bye-bye!

SIREN

THUD

RUMBLING

BANG

Waa!

88. What's the big deal? What happens to you?

You don't want to know.

I do want to know.

No, you don't.

Of course I do!

I want to know even more if you tell me I don't.

I'm telling you...

You don't want to know why I want to know.

Why's that?

Ha! See?!

I have a condition.

What's it called?

Dave syndrome.

You're making this up.

It's like that fudge thing, you have to have it to stop you...

Going deaf.

And you only travel in vans.

No, the other way. Never let me be put in a van! Never!

It's attention-seeking rubbish!

Hi. Do you have a book...

Thank you.

How would you like a nice cool one? Lovely on a hot day.

Cool books?

Straight from the fridge.

Oh, thank you.

Ah.

BELL

OK, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in,

would you think I was strange?

No, I'd ask you to come and look after my small children.

Come round tonight and we'll watch the wall.

No, we'll be staying in, watching the thermometer, won't we?

It's an impossible choice - walls, thermometers.

I just hope when I flip the coin it explodes and kills me.

Fran. Hello.

How's it going?

There might be a slight rent increase soon, price of light bulbs.

What's this, 2B? There wasn't a 2B..

This is a new door.

You've moved my bloody wall and put a room in.

It's a Victorian house. It was built with redouble perspective.

You may think a room's twice as big or small as it actually is.

There was never a flat here.

It's the heat, playing tricks with your mind.

Don't. That's rude, love.

Hello.

Oh, hi. Are you in 2A?

I'm in 2. There is no 2A.

This flat's always been here.

Remember the Bracewells? And the Guptas before that?

Little Sanjay with his trumpet?

Oh, when are you going to fix the peephole?

I can see into the flat but I can't see out from in there. It's weird.

Soon, love.

He's making this up, this is a new room.

She's a bit...

I am not a bit...

Come in for a coffee and we'll talk.

Coffee I've spilt on the carpet, you've picked up with tweezers to serve back to me.

That was mad, but everything else was true. I want my flat back.

Girls! Girls. Girls...

You're both such lovely girls.

You'll be sharing sugar in no time.

Don't fight, and if you do, fight nice

with pillows and jim-jams.

WHIRRING

The heating's on!

I want to see what happens to you at 88 degrees.

Don't do that again.

You're making this up. I will have no malingerers in my shop. Fetch my lolly.

It was the landlord. He moved my wall and put in another flat.

Now there is this woman in my space.

What's she like?

You know the type.

They're all "Hello" and "Hi".

She even asked me in for coffee. A really clever bitch.

You should get a lawyer.

Expensive. Maybe get someone to pretend.

Someone like a lawyer. Arrogant, cruel, crooked, a liar, a real bastard.

I'm not doing it.

When you get a girlfriend I'll give you a reference.

I'll lie, I'll say you were OK.

All right, deal.

Not so fast.

Fran Katzenjammer is my client.

I'm a hotshot lawyer like you'd see on... television.

What's the problem?

My client's room is smaller. As you know, it's illegal to steal space

under the European Act of legislation which happens... in a court.

Her room's the same as it was. I've got the measurements.

Don't evade the question.

Eh?

JUST answer the question!

What question?

Mm? Oh,... sorry.

Where were you when the rooms were measured?

I was...

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

If that's the case, where was the room?

2B's always been there. You can see it for yourself.

Damn right I will, before I send the entire building downtown to the lab.

I'm sequestering these as evidence.

I'm issuing you with a decree of...

sub... er... ju... dy. Sub-judy.

You are under a legal subjudy to stay in that chair until...

until such time as... Simon says "Stand up."

All rise. I'm Bernard Black, from Black, Hingley and... Oooh-hoo Associates.

You've been accused of space thievery - I've come to measure your room.

Why?

Don't kid around,

you could spend the next 20 years in the electric chair.

But I've done nothing wrong.

How could you? You're a summer flower.

Here, have a judge's bun.

Thank you. Come in. Look.

I don't understand her next door.

Forget her, she's a mad bitch. >

But I don't want to go to court.

Don't worry, I'll represent you.

I wanted somewhere a bit bigger.

Maybe I'll just move.

In the summer I like having a sense

of light and airiness and space.

Like something Georgian.

That's incredible.

Since you've been here it seems bigger.

Feng shui is nine-tenths of the law.

What are you doing?

I'm literally jumping for joy.

This is gonna be the best summer yet. I love you.

Yes, and then we can...

(FRAN BANGS ON WALL) I'll get you!

I'll call. I've got to go.

Lengthy trial coming up, I have to get wig extensions, OK? Bye.

You have no idea how easy it is to get a girlfriend if you're me.

It's 84 degrees. It's 84...

Relax, I've got you a present.

It sucks out all your body heat if it's full of boiling water,

but you have to wear it all the time.

You will stay with me?

I'm a boyfriend, with duties - lots of sighing, not finishing sentences.

You and the sun will have to battle it out alone.

I bought this as a present for someone and they don't want it.

I wondered if I could change it, maybe for the money.

Sand. Manny?

Sardinia. South.

Porto Scuso.

That little beach by the monastery.

Get out.

Damn.

You bastard!

You nine-sided whore!

I had to, she was going to leave.

I'm your oldest friend and I can't sleep.

Just for the summer.

Forget it! I am going to have blissful slumber tonight. Forget your summer bunny, mister.

He won't help me in the heat. Can I stay with you?

THERE'S NO ROOM!

I know, but there's two different kinds.

There's bad asbestos and nice asbestos.

Anyway, it grows on you. Yeah. Don't worry, bye.

Hello, Mr Landlord, I've got a complaint.

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

It's my bed.

It's just too damn big for little me.

Your room's too small, your bed's too big?

I think we can work it out

in... in the bed.

I don't understand.

It's very simple.

Look.

You're there, I'm there, or the other way round. Don't care, too tired.

Let me get this straight, you're offering...

You are actually offering...

I am actually offering you me, yes. Me - yours, to enjoy,

like an eclair,

or a day at the zoo.

Sex! Sexy sex!

Oh, right. I could do with a bit of talent.

When you put the room back as it was

Should I bring this?

Mmm.

This thermalwear jacket you bought me doesn't seem to be working.

I feel quite warm.

That's what astronauts use to keep cool.

Is space hot?

Of course it is. Where do you think we get pineapples from?

I hope you're wearing your heat-be-gone booties.

Where are you going?

Out. Courtship calls.

I'm going to get Alison chocolate and flowers and chocolate flowers.

I'm sending a truckload of woo.

It's 86 degrees, it might hit 88 today.

I'm scared, please don't leave me.

You mustn't get to 88. Why is that again?

You're right, I don't.

No, please. Bernard, Bernard, please don't leave me.

Please, Bernard. Please don't leave me. Please!

I'll tell you what happens

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Bernard.

Bless you. Thank you, Bernard.

Oh, thank you, Bernard.

I forgot my wallet.

Oh, no, please.

Please.

No.

Damn!

The flat's great now. No more trouble from the mad neighbour,

but the lawyer guy who sorted it out turns out to be a freak. I can't move for the flowers he's sent

and fancy presents and awful, awful poems.

Listen to this one.

"Think of a bee, you are its knees"

"You waft through me like a summer's breeze"

"Can I come round Tuesday, please?"

I know. Terrible.

I know.

The wine's nice, though.

RUMBLE

Oh!

Just a skirting board bulge.

Won't look like it's moving now.

Not that it ever did, mind.

Great, thanks.

This other problem...

Sorry?

The difficulty with the bed.

No, the bed's fine. I love my bed.

We talked about the bed.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, you must be thinking about someone else.

It's been hot today and that can play tricks with your mind.

But I moved the walk back for you.

Don't be silly, the wall never moved. You said.

Yeah...

Call you next time the toilet's blocked, OK?

Ah, brrrr. Brrrr!

Cold. Cold. Brrrr. Brrrr. Cold.

Not working.

86! 86 degrees!

Use the power of the mind, think of cold things.

Oh, no, a blizzard!

(IMITATES WIND)

I'd like a copy of Tempocalypse.

Go away! Icy winds, danger's here. Go!

Please, go on.

Oh, all right.

Where are the books?

HEAT SURGES UP

(BLOWS)

RINGS

(MANNY SCREAMS)

Bye, then.

Piss off!

I've come to serenade you.

I can't play guitar. I can't play this either but it's less obvious.

Stand there and look wistful.

No, thanks. Goodbye.

Somewhere else. The flat's small, then it's huge, now it's a closet full of flowers and truffles.

I am not interested in you, OK?

But, but...

Get lost!

No, no!

You don't get angry. You laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi.

You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream.

What?

Freak.

Stop!

Bernard.

Stop her! She's breaking the law!

She was never your girlfriend.

It's the heat playing tricks with your mind.

There's nothing wrong with my mind.

You're wearing an accordion.

We're old friends. Don't you think it's time now, you know,

we admit we're hugely attracted to one another?

No, I don't. We should wait a bit.

Till when?

When?

Until at least one of us is dead?

Let's get a drink then.

OK, but not at the shop.

I don't want to hear another word about how hot Manny is. What did he call that condition?

Some nonsense. Blake syndrome.

Blane syndrome. Some rubbish.

(YELLS)

Poor bloke.

Intelfax Subtitles STEWART SUMNER