Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Isn't it great?

No! It's ridiculous.

Why did you get it? And why is it in my shop?

Manny said I needed a hobby. It's only for a few days.

It needs to be winched into my flat.

Piano? You'll be bored in minutes.

No. I'm getting lessons from a Russian guy who says he never fails.

Right!

I have been working now for...

73 straight hours.

I'm going to lunch.

You can't.

This is reserved for Williams, OK?

Where's my cure?

It's not my fault you're hungover.

It is! If I lived with a normal person I'd have less to blot out.

Where's the Flake?

I was looking for Blue Sands.

Sorry. Bernard, it is not for sale!

FLAKE! FLAKE! FLAKE! FLAKE!

Beat it, Flaps.

This teacher guy, Josef, is coming tomorrow. Is that OK?

Here's your bloody Flake.

Bernard!

WHAT?

This is reserved for Williams, right? You know what he's like.

Look: "Williams, Blue Sands".

You'll get out of the way for the lesson?

SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! I'M DYING!

Jesus, more hobbledehoys.

Don't leave me alone with them! They're all over the place!

Why can't they all just go away and... and... Oh, Manny, look.

I'm going. I just heard this was funny, but...

Sorry to bother you.

No, wait, it's yours.

No! That belongs to Williams!

THUMP

Great. How much is it?

Nothing. Sorry it's not beautifully wrapped.

Thanks.

Why did you give it to that girl?

Don't call the woman I love "that girl"!

(SCREAMS) RINGS

Hello? I'm afraid they're all gone. We sold the last one.

Ah, Mr Williams, your book... Do you fancy a drink?

I'm afraid Manny just sold the last copy. Terribly sorry.

(PAINFULLY PICKS OUT NOTES)

Again! Come on!

Three Blind Mice.

God, not again!

What's the matter?

We've done this for 10 minutes. It's not what I imagined.

Neither was my first wife. Play!

See? Even if I had 50 fingers and a million years, I still couldn't play

I want to watch a video. Can we go get chips?

When you hired me, you hired a Slavansky. My family has taught piano for 200 years.

Of all my 13 brothers and sisters,

I was the one sent on the scholarship!

The rest stayed behind in the yurt.

What's a yurt?

A tent made of beaver skins. It's not so good.

You're slouching! Play!

(PLAYS THREE BLIND MICE)

(HITS WRONG CHORDS)

Where were you?

Fran kicked me out for her stupid lesson.

Shut up. I'm not talking to you.

What? A customer was a bit disappointed.

Quite disappointed. I'll make it up to you.

I'm sick of being used. I'm sick of your lies.

How will you make it up to me?

I'll buy you a Jeep.

No! I want the weekend off. I mean it.

I want a life!

This is life! We suffer, slave and expire! That's it!

We have needs. Fran's got her piano, I want some time to myself,

you want to go out with a girl.

Don't make me laugh...

bitterly. Fran will fail, you'll toil your life away

and I'll die alone on the floor of a pub toilet.

(LAUGHS)

(Just... just ask her out.)

Pointless! Look at her - she's got goodness running out of her ears.

(I bet you the weekend she says yes.)

Go on, give it a go.

All right! Look, look, look!

Hello, I'm... Not that it matters. I'm Bernard and...

Nice to meet you. Kate.

The book's good. Thank you.

Oh.

Do you eat? I do. Want to do it in the same room sometime?

Well...

You're busy seeing one of your four million friends. Never mind.

There. You see?

Is tomorrow all right?

You did ask me out, didn't you?

Yes, and look what happened.

I'll pass by the shop, say 8pm?

Eight?

Good. See you then.

What does that mean, "see you then"?

It means me, duvet, TV,

Maltesers, behind a locked door. I win. I've got the weekend off.

You've got a date, Fran's probably having a great piano lesson.

Who's suffering now? You tell me. Hah!

(PICKS OUT NOTES)

Enough! Enough today!

Lots of work to be done.

Stupid piano.

You will practise all evening. Swear to me!

I swear.

I will be back tomorrow

and every day until you can play!

(SIGHS)

(I got the weekend off.)

That girl - I mean Kate -

she asked me out.

Couldn't resist my musk.

It's so unfair. I must be musical. I've got hundreds of CDs.

He wants me to practise all evening like a child. He's such a meanie.

Hmm. I always wanted to learn,

but my parents forced me not to.

I spent hour after hour playing football, all by myself,

peering in at all the other children practising their piano.

Bigfoot, get on with it. You're not off till tomorrow.

What are you going to do?

I don't know. Long baths, braid my beard. Unbraid it.

Lie around fondling moonbeams, being a lord of leisure.

Go on, you. Get cracking!

OK. Got to get down to this.

# THREE BLIND MICE

Where are you going?

Drink.

RADIO: # BEETHOVEN: Rage Over A Lost Penny

(HUMS)

(PLAYS BEETHOVEN)

Ah! I can play!

RADIO: # IMPROVISED JAZZ

(PLAYS IMPROVISED BOOGIE)

(LAUGHS AND SHOUTS)

(GROANS)

DOOR BANGS

(BOTH GROAN LOUDLY)

(RUNS FINGERS UP SCALE)

SHUT UP!

Ooh! Drinking when you should be practising? Naughty, naughty.

You're on your own. My time off starts now.

I picked up a few chords off the radio last night.

Manny, don't! My head! Josef will squeeze my face again and my brains will come out of my nose.

(PLAYS GENTLY)

No noise!

(PLAYS GRIEG: Piano Concerto)

Good, isn't it? Sort of relaxing.

I picked up this other thing that's quite famous.

Miss Fran?

I've been practising.

And therefore I don't need any more lessons and you can... go home.

Mm.

I see. How wonderful!

And did you pick up anything else in this single evening?

(PLAYS JAZZ)

Impossible!

I don't believe it!

Nobody picks up jazz so quickly.

It was me showing off. I play a little jazz.

This is Bernard, just a friend.

Have you been teaching my pupil, Mr Bernard Jazz Friend?

Come away from the piano, please.

Now, play again!

We shall see.

How can this be?

Well, I did practise all night.

Don't be upset, Josef. You inspired her.

Yes, yes. Thank you, Josef.

You've done a wonderful, wonderful job.

Today's she's a natural. Yesterday it was cats screwing!

All credit to you. This morning she played Brahms, Handel, Bach...

Bach! My favourite! Before I go - please!

No, I can't. It's not good enough.

A perfectionist!

Excellent!

DISSONANT CHORDS

I will return tomorrow.

No! But...

Tomorrow!

What did you say that for? Now he's coming back!

Don't worry. Manny'll pick it up.

No, Manny's on holiday, remember?

He'll be watching the Test match in bed, eating tiramisu.

Oh, Manny, what could be nicer?

It's really relaxing. You said so yourself.

# BACH: Prelude In B Flat

Faster! Faster!

You're not trying! Feathery strokes!

You just told me to dampen it!

Damp feathers! Become the piano!

Play from within!

(SCREAMS) This isn't fair!

It was a deal! I get the weekend off, you hook up with Kate.

Ah! Lucky girl. I have to freshen up.

Come on. It's not as if you've been asked to play anything difficult.

This is Bach's Prelude 21, from the 48 preludes and fugues.

What exactly do you call difficult?

Richtenberg's Early Toscanava Cataturian Prokofiev Popinofftoshops.

OK, you can have a break. Tea, is it?

Oh, that would be lovely.

I'll have one too, thanks, and a biccie.

Hi.

Oh, hello.

I've brought the book for you to read. It's funny.

What are you playing?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Well, jazz. And classical. And everything. Rubbish, really.

Come on.

Oh, I'm not very good.

That doesn't matter.

I have to rub linseed oil into my triceps before I...

Well, maybe a little ditty. Hang on.

No. No way. Not possible.

I refuse. Absolutely no.

It is a pity. Have a nice weekend repricing every book in the shop,

because they've all just gone up 1p.

Now, er, there's just something I wanted to, er, ask you...

Erm, do you... I mean, have you... >

Have you ever, erm,...

Have you ever read this?

No.

Well, don't. It's just birds. Birds, birds

and more birds. Owls, finches, sparrows, that kind of thing,

and it's very, very dull and birdy.

So stay away from that, OK?

OK.

Good, good. Now if you want to...

Have a seat.

Now, music.

# JAZZ

Sounds good. You been practising?

Hello.

(You are the lowest! How can you?)

(Oh, much worse than lying to that sweet old blind man.)

(Clear off - you're ruining my gig.)

Good, isn't he?

Amazing.

The truth is, he's a genius.

This is nothing. Upstairs he's got rooms full of his recent paintings.

He can, uh, speak nine languages,

blow glass, do hard sums -

but he wouldn't tell you because he's so modest.

I had no idea. He seems so sort of awkward.

See, what he needs is someone to give him confidence.

Right.

APPLAUSE

That was a bit clumsy. I'm usually better.

It was fine. Come on, you, you're taking me out.

Money - taxis, dinner, tips, come on.

What did you tell her about me?

Just nice things.

SPOONS CLANG

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, Manny, you mustn't let him exploit you like that.

You come and sit down.

There.

(TENDERLY) You sit there.

And have a nice practice of the Bach for Josef.

Get off! This is my holiday. I'm going to the pub.

I'm never playing for you again.

Well, if you can pick it up just like that,

anybody can.

(BASHES KEYS TUNELESSLY)

You freak!

Oh, God.

Oh, Manny, please! Josef will be here in a minute!

(BASHES OUT CHORDS)

Oh, stop!

What can I tell him? He'll kill me with his cane.

You - what did you say to Kate?

She thinks I'm the Renaissance.

She'll think I lied! I had to go along with the reclusive genius stuff

She'll be upset to find out I'm a reclusive wanker.

You have lied, both of you. It's your fault.

I'm hungover and I'm on holiday and I'm going to lie down.

He's right. We just have to tell them the truth.

Josef! Hello...

Fran, my dear!

Now, this is very difficult for me.

I know, I know. Bach is always a challenge.

Permit me to introduce my father, who flew in this morning from Petersburg.

Miss Fran, my father Pyotr.

Hello. Er... this makes what I have to say even more difficult.

Wait! My grandfather Anton, all the way from Odessa.

He taught the Tsar before the Revolution.

Yes, erm...

They have both come just to hear you.

Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?

Wait!

Hi. I feel very bad...

Ah! This is Mr Bernard Jazz. Very good!

No, I'm not at all. I'm not.

You've got to stop putting yourself down.

Come on, play something.

Yes. Er, sorry. Hang on.

STICKS CLATTER

No, I can't help either of you. I'm dying!

Look, if you just say yes, I'll stop doing this.

A week! A week off! A whole week, all yours, paid from today!

Spoon me.

Bravo!

Go on, your turn.

How about a duet?

All right.

Please, no!

And one, and two and...

No!

And 1, 2, 3, 4.

# ALBENIZ: Castilla, from Suite Espana

Bravo! Wonderful!

Extraordinary! I think possibly the second-best performance I ever heard.

Yeah, no big... What do you mean, second-best?

No more. No more.

In '43, I heard Rachmaninov.

He finished with Flight Of The Bumblebee.

You almost approached him.

Never happy, are you? Rachmaninov! I bet he used all his fingers.

I'm sure you can do better than that

Exactly! I know! We'll do our party piece.

Yeah. Yeah, we only use one finger each. It's in triple time.

It's called Flight Of The Seven Million Bumblebees.

< Impossible. You're either boasting or joking!

You think so?

Just watch this.

DISCORDANT JUMBLE OF NOTES

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, that's good.

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

Wonderful. That's just the ticket.

(LAUGHS MORE LOUDLY)

< HEAVY BLOWS

(SOBS)

(SNIVELS)

So Josef shouted, you're a failure. Whisht your noise, would you?

I can't get a refund because it's full of bloody spoons.

Manny, get the aspirin.

No. I hope your head explodes.

Have some pity! You have to get drunk when you've been dumped.

I'm delighted. It's all your fault.

My ankle's sprained, I can only see out of my ear, everything hurts.

Please!

Hello. Would you like to make a donation to the blind?

Intelfax subtitles CAT WIENER