Original subtitles

You reckon they got in through the back?

Yeah. We reckon it was drug addicts.

They took all the drugs.

A packet of Beechams, a bottle of Night Nurse, all gone.

Doesn't surprise me, I can see 145 points of entry into the shop.

Are there?

Try and keep me out.

You see?

That's why you need this. I install this system in zoos.

The glass is soundproofed.

You need soundproofing in zoos?

Well, otherwise the kids start calling the lions pricks.

It's a very good system. You know the CIA?

Yeah.

They probably use something better.

Oh, right, right, yeah. Wow.

I read about the CIA. Apparently, they've got this stationery,

looks normal, but when you write on it, it dissolves.

Nah, that's bollocks. Right, very simple.

When you go out, just press 0-5 to arm.

ALARM

And to disarm, just press 3-3-6-9-8-8-5-4... (FADES)

3-9-9. You listening to me or what?

What? Er, yeah.

Shall I go through it again?

N-No, that's fine.

Hi, Bernard. The alarm system's on.

It prevents the door being opened unless you put in the code.

It makes it more secure.

Er, the glass is soundproofed.

Ah. The glass is soundproofed. The thicker glass...

SILENCE

You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

BEEPING

UNLOCKING MECHANISM

Well, here I am.

Listen, your friend here's got all the details, so I'll be off.

(LISPS) but remember the three Ss -

(LISPS) Three Ss?

Yeah, shecurity, shecurity, shecurity.

Sorry, I didn't get what you said because of your amazing lisp.

Did you tell them they got in through the back?

Yes.

Well, we couldn't say you left the front door open.

What sort of world is it

where you can't leave the door open without getting robbed?

It's this sort of world, Gandalf.

This is the main lock. You arm it by pressing 0-5.

PHONE

Hang on.

Hello? Yes? No, I am going to pay that bill. I am.

Yes, I know... Yeah...

No, I... Yea...

Excuse me, could you... Hang on. Yes.

Oh, you agree with everything I'm saying? Terrific. Bye.

How much for these?

£40.

They're worth more than that. These are good hardbacks.

Tolstoy...

I know, I know, I know.

I don't want them! I'll have to price them and put them up on shelves

and store them and people'll ask about them and buy them

and read them and come back and sell them

and the whole hideous cycle will go on and on and on!

Just, please, take them away. Sorry, no, it won't work. Here.

Here's £40, just take them away, please.

I got it.

A-ha. Give, give, give.

Oh, my God.

What?

It's Howell, Howell Granger, I was at college with him.

Well, go and say hello.

No, don't. He... confuses me.

He confuses me. He's... he's a total arsehole,

but he's got this voice and it just does things to me.

(DEEP, HUSKY VOICE) Fran?

My God, what are you doing here?

Howell!

Hello. I... have a shop.

Erm, I mean, I-I work next door.

Oh.

Erm, ho-how are you?

Oh, I'm great, you know.

Still beavering away in Radio Four. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Hey, you look Fran-tastic.

You sound well.

Oh, thank you. I hope so, I'm doing the shipping forecast tonight.

That's... good?

Oh, well, I suppose I'd better shuffle off before I buy something.

I'm voracious at the moment, Fran.

I seem to be swallowing books whole, devouring them. I'm ravenous.

# ROMANTIC STRINGS

NEEDLE SCRATCHES ON RECORD

My number, should you wish to give me a tinkle.

(GIBBERS)

Goodbye.

Arrivederci, Francesca.

Hey, Genghis.

Isn't it your cinema night tonight?

Yeah. I'm going to see Armapocalypse, wanna come?

I don't think I will, no.

Fran and I are meeting for drinks, aren't we, Fran?

Shipping.

Try something new, absinthe. You know the slogan?

"The drink that makes you wanna kill yourself instantly."

Looking forward to that, eh, Fran?

Forecast.

Ha, that's right.

Do you think I should wash my beard?

I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off,

nail it to a Frisbee

and fling it over a rainbow.

All right. What was the last film you went to see?

Er,... Oh, you know, the astronauts.

Armageddon?

Before that. At the end, he goes "You finally did it!"

and then you see the Statue of Liberty on the beach.

The last film you went to see was Planet Of The Apes?!

Yeah. Amazing effects.

You really believed monkeys could have meetings.

And you've not been to the cinema since then?

Nah. It's all tossycock.

Better than getting mashed every night with only the dead bees on the windowsill for company.

I like the dead bees.

At least they don't leave the door open and get us robbed!

Don't get judgey with me, Ming the Merciless.

What's the story with this alarm thing anyway?

How does it work? Whaddya do?

Right, now,...

You press, what, 0-5 to arm it?

Yes, you press 0-5 and then you go out and it'll lock automatically.

When you come back in, punch in the code and the lock will open.

First question, when I come in?

But how do I get in through the locked door?

Ah, that's the clever thing.

Oh, right, yeah.

Er, could you repeat the question?

I'm outside, the door is locked,

Right.

the keypad is inside,...

Sorry, my fault.

how can I enter the building?

I see. The thing... Er,...

The... Erm,... Co... The code!

Thank you. Sorry to bring this up again, how do I get in?

The code opens the door.

I know the code opens the door!

But how do I get in to punch in the code to open the door?

OK, for the moment, just tell me the code.

There was a little man.

"There was a little man" is the code?

No, I didn't hear the code because he had a little man in his hair.

Well, the little man in my hair's getting very, very angry.

What are you talking about?

He had a Subbuteo player in his hair, I got distracted!

So we have a security system that doesn't let anybody in or out?

Yes!

Yes! Including us!

We'll get used to it.

Oh? HOW DO WE GET USED TO IT?!

What's the problem?!

LOOK, IT'S VERY SIMPLE! I'M OUTSIDE!

Right!

THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

Now, basically, what happens now is that you...

Wait, I see the problem here. You have to get in to punch in the code.

Is this locked now?

I can't hear you. I'll punch in the code and let you in.

You... Have you locked me out?!

Just one sec.

YES! YES!

YOU HAVE!

WRITE SOMETHING USEFUL, YOU STUPID...

I know, it's annoying.

PRESSES NUMBERS

DEAD TONE

Fran.

# (SINGS TUNE)

"..on Radio Four at 2.30. Now, our weekly visit..."

Ga!

ENGAGED TONE

DISTANT SIREN

AH!

Oh, er,... Right.

Er, OK, just relax.

Relax.

Starving. Where?

Cupboard.

Ah! A-ha.

No, no, no!

Eugh.

Er... Ah!

Ah.

Ah. "When you find yourself in a desperate situation,

you can find edible grubs or roots, even insects provide nutrition."

"It's vital to stay warm and have adequate liquid."

Heh. Right. "Morale is just as important as adequate hydration."

"It may sound absurb, but a singsong has seen many a lonely soldier

through a long night in the wilds." Hmm.

# I'm in the mood for dancing

# Romancing I'm head over... da-di-da #

Mm. Crunchy.

Sorry, there seems to be a mistake.

I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money?

That's how much it costs.

Why, is it special popcorn? Does it produce a dizzying high or...

Cola, please.

(SLURRED) That's the trap set up.

"Now, wait for rabbit to approach."

Rabbit?

Where am I gonna get a rabbit?

"It is vital to maintain radio contact."

RADIO BUZZES ON

Excuse me, this might sound funny, but could I, please, have 10p?

You joking?

No. Could I, please?

Please don't be engaged, Fran. Don't be engaged.

WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT?!

"..and after the news, the shipping forecast read by Howell Granger."

Eep.

(BLOWS)

Nasty night out there?

Yeah, yeah. Freezing. (SHIVERS) Wouldn't wanna be stuck out there.

A lot of low air pressure came down from Abernethy or somewhere and...

Is that right? Now, what can I interest you in?

Oh, yeah. Right.

OK. I'd like some hardcore pornography, please.

All right. 'Ere y'are.

Set in a woman's prison, £25.

You got anything in a town hall where they guess the weight of a cake and..

No. Got one with nurses.

What kind of nurses though?

The kind with big tits!

But are they in administration? I'd want hospital paperwork and that...

That's very specific.

Keep looking, we'll find something. Can you turn the radiator up?

Administrative Nurses, £40.

Sorry, I meant to say I'm interested only in senior administrative nurses.

Could we watch it together? We could get a bottle of wine and...

Out!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT TAKES THIS LONG?!

RADIO: "Northwest Finisterre."

(GASPS)

"Northwesterly backing..."

(GASPS AND SQUEALS)

"Squawly showers, moderate becoming good."

(SQUEALS) Good!

(VERY SLURRED) Very lonely. I'm a lonely soldier.

Come in. Come in!

RADIO STATIC

This is lonely soldier.

My coordinates are...

bookshop!

"Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea,..."

Hello?

(SQUEALS)

"German Bight, southwest veering west, five to seven."

"Good."

(GASPS) Good. Good! Good!

"That is the end of the shipping forecast."

No. No, no! No, wait, please! Wait! Howell, please come back! Howell!

"Now, A Book At Bedtime. Joe Pasquali reads Heidi by Johanna Spyri."

"(SQUAWKY VOICE) The pretty town of Mayenfeld lies at the foot of a mountain range,"

Ah!

"whose grim rugged peaks..."

Ah! Ah!

"Behind the town of Mayenfeld,..."

C-cou... Does the, erm,...

Mamba burger come with zesty cheese?

No.

OK, er, then could I have some...

Hunky Dunkers with barbecue Hunky Dunky dip?

Er, and a Mucky chocolate milkshake.

What size? Small, medium, Goliath or God?

PA: "One Hunky Dunkers, barbecue Hunky Dunker dip and a medium Mucky"

That'll be £4.99.

Erm, I'm a little light at the moment. Er, actually,... Er,...

(STUTTERS) This... This belt... is... is made from real leather.

Feel it. Go on. Have a feel.

If you're not eating anything, you'll have to leave the premises.

RUMBLING THUNDER

"I will do so immediately, sir."

I will do so immediately,...

sir. I will do so immediately, sir.

Hello. (SIGHS)

"HEAVY BREATHING"

Hello? Who is this?

Is this you, Mummy?

I can hear you breathing, whoever you are. You're testing my patience.

I know there's someone there. Right, that's it, I'm hanging up.

"Don't hang up, Howell!"

Fran?

Is this you, Fran?

"(BREATHES HEAVILY)"

Are you OK? Are you in any pain?

"(BREATHING QUICKENS)"

Do you want me to come over?

"(GASPS)"

I'll come over, Fran. Shall I come?

I'll come, Fran. I'll come.

"Ah, ah, ah!"

I'll come.

"A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AH!"

Fran!

Fran, my God, what's happened?!

"Hello, Howell, sorry about that."

Fran, are you all right?

Yes, I... I'm fine, thank you. I just caught my...

foot in the fridge.

Oh, erm...

Anyway, thanks, goodbye.

(SPLUTTERS)

# TINNY INDISTINCT MUSIC

Erm,...

Is it still raining outside?

Er, yeah.

Right, welcome to the thing, whatever this place is.

OK. Erm, can I ha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ve, er,

E-E-E-E-E-E-Er...

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

A Mambo burger. Mambo burger, please

What do they look like?

It's sort of two layers.

What does the wrapper look like?

Oh, it's, erm, the red... red and white, I think.

Here, there you go.

No, no, no, no, no, just, er,...

This... this one.

There you go.

No, no, no. No, no.

I think that's it.

(COUGHS) There's bacon or something.

Er, no, that's not it.

(COUGHS) That one is very nice.

It's not that one.

< Try it, it's nice, give it a shot

It'll be nice, have it! Give me a quid.

Can I get some chips, too, please?

How many?

Roughly, how many? Come on!

40?

(COUNTS UNDER HIS BREATH)

Two quid.

(SNIFFS)

And, erm, a diet coke.

No, no, no, no.

Coke's off. Have some extra chips.

Can I have Mambo chilli dog...

Is it still raining?

CAR TOOTING HORN

What happened?

Oh, you were burgled again.

Huh? There was nothing left to take. What'd they get?

Well, as far as I can make out, they took the security system.

Thank Christ for that.

What's up with him?

He drank all our absinthe.

I'm the lonely soldier.

What are you doin'?

Putting a cold flannel on his head.

Why?

They do that in the films.

Where were you when I needed you?

Oh, yeah, Bernard,

something came... up.

I-I'm so, so sorry.

Erm, what did you do?

Oh, just my usual night out.

Saw an experimental film where nothing happened for two hours!

Hung out with a pornographer, got a job in a burger bar, the usual!

Bernard,... Bernard, I'm sorry.

Forget it.

No, there's another thing.

I ate... (MUMBLES)

What did you do?

(MUMBLES)

WHAT DID YOU DO?!

I ate all your bees!

Intelfax Subtitles by YORICK BROWN