Original subtitles

Fran! Fran!

Bernard! Bernard!

Wait till you hear this.

No, me first. I can't hold onto this one. My story first.

No, I'm not backing down!

Well, neither am I.

Well, you know what that means.

Count to three.

One, two, three.

Aaah!

Say peanuts.

Peanuts.

I want Manny in on this.

No, no, no. He stayed up all night with his birthday present.

The complete set of the Sweeney and an espresso machine.

RINGS

What? Do me a favour.

It's a bookshop. Course we've got Jane Austen.

Right.

OK, my story.

All right.

Imagine... Imagine you're a woman.

OK.

And now imagine...

Wait. I'm still...

OK?

Now imagine you have a boyfriend.

(GIGGLES)

OK, and now imagine you see that boyfriend with another woman.

(WHIMPERS)

OK, my story!

This is Peter.

He wouldn't do that to me... to you.

He's scum.

Today I was getting into my car...

I just feel so...

Aaaah.

Now, my story.

You know Gerald and Sarah?

Gerald... your friend.

Friend! When I first came to London he put me up, he lent me money,

he helped me find a job, find this place.

I was a very good friend to him.

Even though I fancied his girlfriend I did not make a pass at her.

Well, once,.. twice,.. a few times.

But not after I realised how angry it made him.

Well, once but...

(BORED) Get on with it.

They invited me to a party and it was fun. Woke up with a little hangover.

AAAH!

Well, a big hangover.

So I went to get some fizzy good.

Some what?

You know, fizzy good make feel nice.

Oh, Alka Seltzer.

(MUTTERS) Soluble.

Ugh!

< Fizzy good feel nice.

Fizzy good feel nice.

Gerald! Sarah! Thanks for the dinner party.

Completely blanked me.

Maybe they didn't see you.

Could they have been distracted?

How?

Was somebody firing a gun?

Let's see. Was someone firing a gun?

Was someone fir.. I don't think so(!)

Manny, you look like you could use some sleep.

Yeah, in a little bit.

This bloke behind me, behind me.

Don't look!

I reckon he's got a shooter.

(He's 100 years old!)

You're wired from all-night coffee and cops.

So what? So they blanked you.

So what! So what! They blanked me!

That's an awesomely powerful thing to do in civilised society.

It's like when the Mafia send each other fish through the post.

You must have done something awful.

Do you think?

Oh, you didn't do that thing? Your Belly Savalas thing?

No, I didn't do Belly Savalas.

So, Bernard, being blanked made you feel bad, huh?

Yeah, terrible.

Hm.

Manny, get some sleep.

Something awful. God, what did I do? Think! Think!

(SLAMS BOOK)

Get down!

Thank you. Enjoy.

It's dreadful but it's quite short.

Manny, come over here.

I'll give you a case. Figure out what I did last night.

Ooh!

What?

Sat on myself.

Let's start by reconstructing the evening. Who else was there?

Well, Gerald and Sarah, obviously.

What's their D-40?

What do they do?

Gerald's a food writer.

He had a big hit with Basic Meals For The Ultra-Rich.

Sarah's an interior designer on the programme Pet Surprise.

What's that?

It's where they take the dog out,

he thinks it's normal walk but when they come back...

the kennel has a patio and French doors.

Yeah. They take the blindfold off...

And he's like "Oh, my God!"

And some people who talked about salad for hours.

So, how much had you had to drink...

before you turned up?

Oh, you assumed I'd been drinking?

How much?

(STAMMERS)

Erm, a couple of bottles.

So you were in a bit of a state?

I was fine.

No, come on! Think!

DOORBELL

(DRUNK) Hiya.

Is this yours?

Erm, yes.

Misunderstanding. Not her fault. She's young.

Try and keep it indoors.

You brought police to their house.

There's more.

Oh, Bernard, look at you.

I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp.

Exquisite gifts as always(!)

You're very early.

Oh, you remember Jimbo, don't you?

What do you do?

No, he's our son.

Oh, thank God. I thought you had a disease.

It's a child.

< Gerald, can you help me, please?

Ah, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Come here, we'll do the thing.

Here.

There we go. Take it.

Sh, take it.

Actually, Jim, can I have that back?

Do you know about the old country?

The songs. Oh, they'd melt your face.

# Oh, I live in a shoe on Moor Street I'm a prostitute from Newry #

His child's involved. He's done something and blamed me.

It's always the children, isn't it, Bernard?

Manny, if you have one more coffee...

HELP! HELP! HELP! >

I got it!

HELP! HELP!

Police! Stop!

# COP SHOW MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC CONTINUES

All right?

..and all my keys. My house keys, they were in it.

How am I gonna get into my house?

It was a plain-clothes policeman?

Yes.

Oh, Officer.

Bernard.

Bernard!

No questions, but can you do my shoelace?

No can do, neck-face.

What happened to you?

No, no, you first.

Are you the next Bond villain?

You should have "Dorset - 5 miles" written on you! Tell me.

Don't mind this, it's a dull story.

You first. Come on.

Tell me.

No.

Ah!

Ow.

Ah. Aaah!

(LAUGHS) No, no, no.

Aaah! OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

You remember I told you how I saw Peter with that girl?

Mm-hm.

I couldn't get it out of my head

so I went down the beauty parlour and got myself done.

'And the next thing, who walks by the window but Peter.'

Then I remembered about the blank

and I knew I might not get a second chance.

So, as usual, you dealt with this in a mature, rea...

Shut up. Anyway...

Fran?

Fran?!

Fran. Fran!

TYRES SCREECH THEN BUMP

So that's how you got the...

No, that's not how I got this. The way I got this...

It's embarrassing.

Well, I was...

(We're closed.)

We're closed!

(Hello. Hello. Hello.)

(HESITANTLY) Yeah, hello,... Razors,...

you just better watch it...

or I'll be down your manor with all the other policemen...

..and we'll arrest your arse.

Goodbye.

I thought you might want coffee.

No, no. I've gotta go.

No, no. Wait a sec.

I've got a favour to ask. We've got someone who isn't turning over.

Could you sit in on the interview?

Eh?

What's with the face fungus?

Undercover... Undercover work.

Er... gotta blend in with a heavy-metal group...

who stole some furniture.

Bastards.

So, can you help us out?

No, I can't. They need me on the job.

Who's your guvnor? I'll ask him.

Whooaa-at the hell!

Oh, good lad. Grab your coffee.

(GULPS COFFEE)

OK, so far we've been going at him hard.

It might be time that he found a sympathetic ear. Know what I mean?

So, I'm nasty, you're nice. OK?

(MUMBLES)

You're not so bad.

In the interview.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was, erm, making a police joke.

Yeah, right. It's Barry, by the way.

Carter.

Carter? Lovely.

We'll let him sweat it out for a few minutes.

Finish your coffee.

It's not bad, is it?

(REPLIES INTO COFFEE)

Bernard, come on!

Yaah!

CORK POPS

So, what happened?

After you left, I remembered something about the party.

I did do Belly Savalas.

Durby-durby-durby-durby-durby.

What? I can't hear you Belly Savalas.

"Who loves you, baby?"

But it wasn't Belly Savalas that upset them.

It was something else. Something much worse.

Oh, you didn't do Cobumbo, did you?

I didn't have any cigars.

All right, so you were knocked down.

I had to go to hospital for checks

and Peter insisted on coming.

I was blanking him in the ambulance

How do you blank in an ambulance?

Fran, keep your eyes fixed on mine.

Come on, keep your eyes on mine.

Keep your eyes on mine!

CRACKING

Hurry!

Did you tell him why you were blanking him?

I certainly did.

I spent some time explaining in very clear terms why he was a scumbag

and the fancy lady he was with... was a slut.

It was his sister.

He was comforting her.

She's lost her job.

Ah, he won't be seeing you again.

He says he wants to see other - less mad - women.

Now you. I want to know how you became the little teapot.

I won't tell it twice. Where's Manny?

Remember, I'm nasty, you're nice.

Noggsy,...

you miss me(?)

Yeah, I was just thinking "When's Norris back?"

OI! Smart lip doesn't work with me. I don't react well to it.

You better give me something solid or I'll feed you to the sharks.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You have beautiful eyes.

You're going away! This is the end of the line!

Would it be naughty if I phoned up and got us all some crispy duck?

Sorry?

Speak up or we'll be talking to your missus!

Ho-ho. How do you like that, family man?!

Hey, when all this has blown over, let's go and see Les Miserables.

Ever been to the zoo? It's great.

What's, erm,... What's going on?

I don't know what you're doing but it's working.

You take over. Offer him a deal.

What sort of deal?

You call it but don't give too much.

He's looking at two years - minimum.

I'll be back in ten.

Huh?!

Ten minutes.

(SIGHS)

I'm locking the door, Noggsy.

It doesn't open until you give my partner summat.

DOOR IS LOCKED

Yeah, that's definitely locked.

I'm not a policeman.

They think I am but I've just had too much coffee.

What you talking about?!

What'll I do?!

I'll talk to Norris. I ain't talking to you.

(BOTH STRAIN)

It's a boy.

Back to the story.

I knew I'd done something heinous so I went to see them.

What do you want?

I wanna say I'm sorry.

Oh, well.

Please accept my gifts.

Maybe then we could clear the decks somehow

and you could actually tell me what it was that I actually...

did.

AAAAH!

You did it. I don't know how you did it but... you did it.

You know, Barry, I'm just a cop...

Just one copper trying to make a difference.

Fell off my chair to some extent.

You know, Barry, I've been doing this job for 20 min... years,

since I was... 15,

and it doesn't get any easier.

That's why I've made my decision to retire. Noggsy was my last case.

I've had 100% success rate, but I'm getting old.

It's time for this old warhorse to be put out to pasture.

That's a shame.

I've been on the job 20 years too

and you are the best bloody copper I've ever worked with.

It's been a privilege.

OK, fair enough.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

< Anyway, where was I?

You went to ask them what you did.

You mean you don't remember?!

Not as such, no.

You don't remember asking for the hundredth time where the toilet was.

You went to the toilet and were gone a long time.

Get him out. Get him out.

I will.

Out. Get him out. Get him out now.

I will. I'm sorry.

Gerald, can I ask you a question?

You know the thing that cleans these things? The thing-cleaner!

Why is that in your bathroom?

I'm not Coco Chanel, but that's a bit weird.

Bernard, why don't I call you a cab?

Don't wanna cab, it's only half one.

Why's there a toaster in your bathroom?

There's not.

You should put a lock on the door

because I was on the toilet and little Jimmy comes in.

He's drinking milk from the fridge and that's wrong. It's unhygienic.

What was going through your brain when you thought

"I'll buy a wicker toilet."?

(SCREAMS) >

I thought I did something bad.

I use you wicker chair as a toilet. It's a faux pas...

Faux pas?!

I thought I'd drunk all the booze.

You did drink all the booze.

Look at Jimmy.

What?! What?!

He's surprised. All children look surprised.

Everything's new to them.

Have I told you about the way that he... he smokes.

He does not smoke.

He's up to something.

I've never said this before because I was being nice

but your son has the cold, dead eyes of a killer.

I come to your house, brought a bottle of wine,...

You brought a policewoman.

Either way, I made an effort.

And, you know, I was slightly indiscreet and I'm sorry! I am!

But you,... you blanked me, so...

So what?

I think I deserve an apology.

BOTH: Out!

I came all the way here to apologise. I don't even have the taxi fare back.

I behaved with dignity and honour.

You wouldn't understand because I'm talking about dignity!

Hence.

Why were you embarrassed to tell me?

Oh, well, I fell. It was so undashing.

And going to the toilet through a chair - we've all been there(!)

Oh, I've had some day.

What happened?

It started off...

(HIGH PITCHED) That was a bad one.

Intelfax Subtitles STUART CAMPBELL