Original subtitles

Abbe! Abbe!

Abbe!

(IN FRENCH)

Mais oui.

I don't want this, Freddy.

It's a gift.

You can't bribe me to house-sit.

You put it on your neck. It gives you a shiatsu massage.

See? Mm-mmm.

Oh, that's... Oh! You see, already I can feel that.

That goes right the way down...

BONES CRACK

I may have got a nerve there.

So that's what it's for!

I can't feel my thighs.

If you do change your mind...

I won't. Bye! Bye!

Corkscrew. Corkscrew.

Manny! Manny!

MUNCHING

SQUEAKING

Manny, Manny, Man...

Stop shouting at me.

Your hair looks amazing. Where's the corkscrew?

I don't know where anything is.

It's like Dresden back there.

It's not that bad.

It is that bad.

Didn't you have a cat?

Oh, yeah! Where'd he go?

I found him. No. No. You don't want to see him.

Ooh! Ow!

What's up with you?

I get cramp when I'm stressed.

Why are you stressed?

There's shin bandages next to the cheese.

That's just...

There's jam in the bath! You are a filth wizard.

Friend only to the pig and the rat.

Ugh! Look.

Pizza! I was gonna warm it and eat it later. That's normal!

You are looking for things to complain about.

And what are these?

Wasps.

Everything's covered in filth. Look!

The place is a mess. You can't find anything.

Right now, I'm eating scrambled egg with a comb from a shoe!

I must insist you send someone immediately.

All right, later today.

First thing tomorrow, then.

All right, after lunch. Just after lunch.

Six o'clock. Perfect.

SILENCE

# La, la, la, la, la! #

You are wearing a dress.

Wh-what do you think?

Occasion?

I got a date. Ben, divorcee, very good-looking.

(Nice arse!)

Which is a first for me.

Never had a nice one?

No. And I know they exist cos I've seen them on the telly.

You? Had one?

There was one woman, Janine. I don't know if was nice, but it was huge.

So there was this tremendous sense of value.

If he had three arses, I wouldn't care.

I've read this sentence 25 times.

But this guy's special. He's not like the others.

He's not another Kurt.

The violinist? He seemed all right.

No. He was very... gum-diseasey.

Or Raymond? Do you remember Raymond?

Didn't he live with his mother?

Yeah.

In a car.

Tactics?

No. I'm gonna be really good.

I'm not gonna say anything stupid or be nervous.

I'll be nice, responsive and caring.

Yes. On no account must he see the real you.

No, no.

Fran?

It's a very nice dress.

(LAUGHS ARROGANTLY)

What's that?

I-It's my new laugh with a turn.

The turn's all right. Lose the laugh.

THUD

Dirty.

(SHRIEKS)

Who are you?

Who am I? I'll tell you who I am.

(CREEPILY) I'm the cleaner.

Second degree unspecified soiling, zones B through K.

A north ceiling corner,

cobweb containing a number of deceased arachnids...

with beans.

Why did you call him into my house?

I love toffee. Dunno why I don't eat it all the time.

CRUNCH

Ow, my tooth! Ow!

Oi! Why did you get this freak in?

You made me.

Well, I don't trust him. He has no nasal hair.

Why do we need him? The place isn't that bad!

This is going to take some time.

Everything's very... dirty.

You have grime under the taps. That's very nasty.

The state of the bathroom is (SUCKS IN BREATH) shameful.

And the dust... Oh, the dust.

The place isn't that dusty!

The worst thing is the cups.

Yes. You have very, very dusty (WHISPERS) cups.

I want to clean your dusty cups from the inside out.

OK! I'm gonna go and sit over here.

Anything else about cleaning, ask Manny.

Very well. Do you have anywhere to stay?

So that I can get to... work.

We have to leave the house?

Oh, this is a big job. You can stay if you want.

But some people prefer to leave.

Freddy asked us to house-sit.

We're not house-sitting for Freddy!

What are you doing?

Some ash fell. I'm wiping it into my trousers.

(Filthy!)

Whatever am I going to do with you?

This is terribly sweet of you.

It's marvellous to have somebody look after the place.

Pleasure.

CRASH

Sorry.

We may have been... drinking before.

No, I'm sorry. It was clearly a very silly place to put it.

We have another one, although I would ask you to be careful of that,

because it is the only one left in the world... now.

Erm, heating.

Ah! I see you're an aficionado of, er, paintings.

Oh, yes, yes.

It's a cow.

Mm. You like art?

Oh, yes. Yes. Especially... late art.

Yes. I mean there, the way he's captured the look,

how the cow's looking over there, we can't see what he's seeing...

Maybe the artist is saying cows know something we don't.

Mm. It's French apparently, from the Dutch school.

Yes. Brown.

Oh, I don't know what his name is.

The timer, erm, thermostat thingy, control. I'll show you.

It's in the cellar. Follow me.

Manny, I have to go and wee-wee.

This is very important.

..all over the cafe!

(CACKLES SNOOTILY)

That's an unusual laugh.

Is it? Sorry.

What's wrong with your wine?

Nothing. I just drink slowly.

I get undressed slowly.

Well, I think I can manage that.

(GUFFAWS) Yes.

That's on, that's off.

No. That's on, that's off.

Oh! And Ah! Please feel free to enjoy the wine,

but this is very important.

Erm, anything here is fine. You can drink as many bottles as you want,

but these ten here...

Now, please, don't touch them.

Don't even move them. These are very special.

I'm presenting one to the Pope at the end of the month.

Really? Wow. What for?

I have a cousin who's a cardinal, Roy... Oh, these trumped-up charges.

Some nonsense about him punching Sophia Loren in a nightclub.

(SNEERS)

And the Pope, who really is a lovely man,

he made the whole thing go away.

There's some books on wine upstairs.

It can be jolly to know what one's drinking.

Ah, Bernard. Manny will fill you in. I must say goodbye to the dogs.

Right, what's the thing?

Very simple. Very simple.

OK, so what is it?

We can only drink these ten bottles here.

Just these.

Yeah. These, completely out of bounds. Can't touch these.

Just these ones, then.

Just these ones.

Thank God you were here, cos I'd have thought it was the other way round.

DOGS BARKING

Old wine is good wine.

Yes, but... expensive wine is good wine also.

Yes.

But the older the wine is, the gooder it is.

Ah. But by the same token,

the more expensive the wine, then the gooder it is also.

Look at the colours.

A-All the colours.

Well, yellow.

This is like a farmyard of... of wine.

It's like looking into the eye of a duck.

And sucking all the fluid from its beak.

Touche!

And because you win, you get to go to the cellar.

Yey!

Music's a bit boring.

I wonder if they'd let me put my tape on. All my favourite songs.

I'm a giant ear.

Waiting for your songs of niceness.

Will you just look at these breasts!

(CLEARS THROAT) Wait until you hear this!

# SLINKY BIG BAND

# (HUMS)

Ah! Wine! Ha, ha, ha!

No, no, no!

(SQUEAKY VOICE) Drink me! Drink me! Drink me! Boys, boys, boys!

You!

"Le Vin Du Rosier."

Yeah, that'll do. Got one!

Aha! Mon fuel.

Hand over. Thank you.

Mind your leg.

DRILL WHIRRS THEN CORK POPS

(BOTH GIGGLE)

That was a crazy, crazy time for me.

Er, a short spell in the Navy.

Ooh! Climb aboard, Cap... Captain.

Now I'm in antiques! Unbelievable.

Wow! Quite the Renaissance man.

It was about then my divorce came through.

I've not settled with any one woman since. It's like I'm, oh, cruising.

# CHARLENE: I've Never Been To Me

Ooh!

# And California and I've sipped champagne from a shoe

# (HUMS ALONG TO TUNE) #

WHIRRING

(LAUGHS)

(GIGGLES) Look! Bernard. Bernard.

Look. Bernard. Bernard, look.

Bernard. Bernard.

Bernard. Look, Bernard.

Bernard. Bernard! Bernard. Look.

Bernard. Bernard, look.

Look! Look, Bernard!

Bernard! Bernard, look!

Look! Bernard, Bernard!

BERNARD!

What?!

I'm a prostitute robot from the future!

Yes. Listen to the rubbish in this book.

"Don't drink Burgundy in a boat."

What?! Wine is just for enjoyment.

You speak the truth, my friend.

I looked this up and it says it's worth £7,000.

(SNORTS) Nonsense!

That's the normal everyday... normal everyday wine Freddy gave us,

not the really expensive out-of-bounds stuff.

That's from the cheap and dusty wine on the right...

not the clean, expensive wine on the left.

Not the... not the... That's the cheap and dusty.

Not the clean, expensive...

with, now that I think of it, stickers from Londis on the bottles.

There isn't any chance, Manny, that you managed to direct us to drink

the unbelievably rare and expensive wine, is there?

(INHALES RAPIDLY)

HOW MUCH DID YOU SAY THE WINE COST?

Seven... (INHALES) thousand pounds.

Well, I have got £3.50 on me. What have you got?

Don't panic. Is that what you're doing?

Yes. Dancing in a panicky way.

Well, stop! Just think about this clearly and figure a way out.

Now, don't say no immediately, cos this could sound a little crazy.

Could we... burn down the house?

No, that's absurd. Think, Bernard.

What about a gift?

Better! But it'd have to be perfect.

A really nice box of pencils?

No.

I mean, a really nice box.

If you're gonna give the guy pencils for drinking his wine, you're talking magic pencils.

You draw a cow, the cow comes to life. Those kind of pencils.

We'll make some more! We'll use the cheap stuff. Nobody will know.

He's gonna present this to the Pope!

He won't know the difference!

The Pope's used to the finer things.

Nobody will admit that wine doesn't have a taste.

You can't taste anything! You smoke eight jillion cigarettes a day!

What's that? What are you eating?

Some sort of delicious biscuit.

It's a coaster.

Is it? Are there any more? Do they describe the wine in that book?

Yes, I think so. Oh! God, the cramp! Very stressed at the moment.

Use the shiatsu machine.

Aagh! Oh ! Ah! Oh! Ow! Ow!

So, Ben, who's the real Ben, Ben?

I didn't have a good time at school.

Didn't feel comfortable?

Mm. I sort of...

Retreated into a private fantasy world.

But I always...

Got on very well with women?

They helped you feel less different.

But something was still wrong, something that stops you sleeping?

How could you possibly know this?

Just a hunch.

Tell me, Ben.

How many times a day do you talk to your mother?

Hey? Oh, God, I dunno. The normal amount - four, five times a day?

Ben, I've got something to tell you.

It might come as a bit of a shock, but you are...

Question. What do the following have in common -

Elton John, Ian McKellen, Jean-Paul Gaultier?

Well, they're all fabulous.

I'm chewing the cork to get it back in the bottle. OW!

My tooth's come loose. It hurts!

"A trace of vanilla." Do we have any?

Ice cream?

Yes!

I'll check the freezer.

THUNDERCLAPS

(CACKLES EVILLY)

They'd laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do.

Create a new superwine in half an hour with no resources and a fool for an assistant!

"Bernard Black, he's mad!" they'd say. "He's dangerous."

Well, I'll show them!

I have returned!

Nutmeg! We need nutmeg!

Nutmeg!

It's my legacy to the world!

(LISPING) Anything else you need? Just with the limp, I'm tired.

JUST GET THE NUTMEG!

Oh, it's just here.

"An oaky finish." Oak! Oak! To the front garden!

BELL TOLLS

What is this?

This isn't oak! Where did you get so much?

(YELLS)

(BOTH WAIL)

Get back in! GET BACK IN!

THUNDERCLAP

HERE IT IS! (SHRIEKS)

Dust, dust!

He'll never know! He'll never know!

It's all so clear. I suppose I've been fighting this all my life.

Why am I fighting? Thank you, Fran.

You've saved my life!

I'm really (MUFFLED) very happy for you. Very happy.

I'm so happy...

# Jam, jam, jam Jam, jam, jam

Bleugh! Bleugh!

SPLAT

Sorry! Oh, hello!

That is a very, very nice dress.

Paper.

Aha.

Another date?

Yep. This time I might be onto something.

He's a very interesting man. You know him.

Really? Who?

(SPLUTTERS)

Bye, Bernard!

Dirty!

You flirt!

Oh, my God!

What?

It's the 19th. It's my birthday.

Intelfax Subtitles REBECCA DODGSON