Original subtitles

Hiya.

Hello.

I'm, er...

Ah! Yes, of course.

H-how are you?

Fine, how are you?

Fine.

We haven't slept together and you're not here to freak me out.

No, no.

With you being a man I thought maybe we'd had sex.

I'm looking for... I'm working in the book shop. I'm Manny.

Fran. Erm, what book shop?

The one next door.

Bernard's book shop?

Yeah.

Bernard hired you?

Yeah, he did.

You're working for Bernard?

Indeed I am.

Wait, Bernard, Irish, smoke, drinking, wah-wah-wah!

Wah! That's right, brilliant.

That Bernard?

That's him.

I thought it would be nice – book shop, books, mellow, ah-ooh.

Mellow? (LAUGHS)

Yeah. What?

What?

(LAUGHS LOUDER)

Run away!

(TRIES TO LAUGH)

Hello?

Erm...

Mr Black?

(SPLUTTERS)

M-Mr Black?

Am I dead?

No.

Who are you, have I joined a cult?

No, I'm Manny, you hired me yesterday.

Oh!

Do you remember?

How was the situation, had I been drinking?

(SLURS) What do you say, huh? What about it?

The pay's not great but the work is hard.

Are you up for it?

Come on, what do you say?

I have to say, I think you're being a bit rude.

Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute, Miss.

Do you want the job or not?

I'm over here.

I do apologise.

Alrighty. What did you order?

Lager.

I got you... creme de menthe.

OK, here it is.

I like you a lot, Gerald, Samantha.

Manny.

Manny! That's the one.

I like you a lot.

Thanks. You're not so bad yourself.

Don't touch my arm.

And erm... Where've you gone?

I'm here, you're looking at me.

All right. So what do you want?

You mentioned something about a job.

What would I have to do?

No, er... in the book shop.

I already work in a book shop!

Do you have anything in an aquarium?

No, for me.

Oh, yes, of course, sorry, sorry.

You're leaving, bye.

No, no... That's the old woman.

Bernard Black.

What do you want?

You mentioned a job.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. It's very simple.

Here we go. Do you want a job?

Great, yes.

What's great, what?

Had you been drinking? I'd say you'd had a couple.

Thing is, thing is...

Erm... argh!

Wait a second, what time is it?

Er, half ten.

Half ten? Half ten.

I've never been up at half ten.

What happened?

Look, erm... erm...

Manny. Have you ever bought a book...

..at half ten in the morning.

Now you mention it...

No. You see? That would be a world gone topsy-turvy.

If it was a bakery, this'd be late.

Watch it. I don't want any cheek.

All right.

I'm sorry, I've made some kind of mistake.

You obviously don't have what it takes to sell a book.

People don't want them in the morning.

Hello!

I'd like to buy a book, please.

What book?

I don't care, I'm just in the mood to buy a book.

We're closed, get out!

Maybe I'll swing by the bakery.

All right, a one-day trial, how about that?

Fine, a one-day trial.

Ooh ! Ow !

MOBILE PHONE

Hello? I'm a bit busy at the moment.

I'll call you back. OK.

What's that, "ow, ow, ow"?

I used to work a lot with a mobile.

It must have done something because now, before it rings,

I get a sharp pain in my head.

What's the number?

Er, 0802 427...

Could you pass my phone, please?

Ow.

(LAUGHS LOUDLY)

That's brilliant.

Oh, actually...

Ow!

(LAUGHS)

Hi, Manny, it's Bernard.

The thing is, we don't allow mobile phones in the shop.

Oh, right.

OK, bye.

Oh, look, redial.

What's all this?

Rules, for the customers, but they apply to you as well.

"No mobiles, no wigwams..."

Walkmans.

"No sn... no snoutycar..."

This is indecipherable. >

Look! It is perfectly simple.

No mobiles.

No Walkmans.

None of that.

Or any of the others.

"Sin Burger cack."

"Signed Bernard L Black."

What's the L for?

Ludwig – you know, Beethoven.

Oh, right. Why did your parents decide on, er...?

Nothing.

I'm going to freshen up.

Books, old and new.

Come on, come on!

Who are you, what are you doing?!

I'm just a customer.

Oh, yeah.

Lunch! Where the hell is Fran?!

All right, all right.

Er, shall I flip the sign?

Go ahead.

Join us, Manny, tell us all about yourself.

I was born in London...

Stop right there, David Copperfield.

If you're going back that far we need popcorn.

Don't mind him, Manny, go ahead.

Born in London, moved around, saw a lot of army bases.

Oh, your father was in the Army?

No, just coincidence.

Could we do this when I'm not here?

OK. This could be a lovely place.

Wax the shelves and get rid of what makes you stick to the floor.

You're meant to stick to the floor. Stops children running around.

Er, seal the floor, stop that smell.

You do know you've got molluscs on your pipes?

What of it?

They live in the sea.

Yeah, put in a few more standard lamps.

Why didn't you just say you were gay?

What? B-but I'm not.

But you're interested in lamps.

Yeah, but I'm interested in... in women and lamps.

I thought you were, actually. Gay, I mean.

So did I for a bit.

Then I discovered the prohibitive standards of hygiene.

And all that dancing.

Oh, erm...

Just look at this bastard.

That's right, we're having lunch, come on in. Look at him.

What do they want from me, why can't they leave me alone?

They want to buy books.

But why me? Why do they come to me?

Because you sell books.

Yeah, I know but... Jesus.

Er, I'd like to buy a book.

Here's one.

No, I was...

This one's very good.

Oh, is it?

Yes. You'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life. £5.99.

All right, OK.

Oh, my change?

Can you come back later?

I'm not coming back this way.

Where do you live?

17 Galexy Gardens.

OK. Go there and await my instructions.

Where's he gone?

Oh, I thought he might like to have a look at your spare room.

Why?

You know, if you want him living with you all the time.

Are you insane?!

He's great, Bernard. What's wrong with him?

He's trouble, is what he is.

He's... I can smell it a mile off.

He's got fancy notions.

Do you know what I saw when you weren't here?

He was sucking his trousers. And laughing.

That's a lie, isn't it?

No, absolutely...

Don't. I made it up.

You'd be crazy to let him go. You need someone normal round here.

Normal, is he? What am I then?

You're a freak, Bernard, you know that.

Yes, I know!

But I have rights!

He's what you've needed for the past five years. I'd better get back.

Bye, Manny!

You there.

Lord of the Rings. Let's talk about how this whole one-day trial's going.

At the moment you're fired.

So it's not going that well.

What's that?

Wine – to celebrate if the first day went well.

Welcome back on board.

These are your accounts?

Yeah. >

There might be the odd gap here and there.

Yeah, there's a gap where there should be accounts.

That's the gap, the big account-free gap between page 1 and page 210.

Oh, well.

Accounts, who cares?

TRICKLING

Well, there's a thing here.

Takings £370.

That's good.

Yeah but your outgoings were £1,200.

Whores will have their trinkets!

I can't take care of every little thing around here!

It's...it's mayhem!

FLY BUZZES

You think?

So you and Fran, you ever...?

You know.

No. What?

You know. Have you?

Together, you know.

Just say it!

Have you ever had sex?

You don't beat around the bush!

Well?

Yes.

I think so. I'm not sure.

Well,

a few new years ago

I woke up

and I was there and so was she

and so were our friends,

the genitals.

All six of us were there.

Six? What? Oh, yeah.

And none of you can remember?

No. Well, I did for a while. I think so. Then she made me block it out.

She remembers and I'm not allowed.

Christ! Customers! Why didn't you lock the door?

Look, we can make some money.

But they're students.

Yeah, but students read books.

These are students.

It sounds dangerous. I don't like it.

Give them a chance. And remember this was my idea.

OK, right.

Hi! >

Yeah! No, I'm in a book shop!

No, no, book shop! >

WARBLES

These things are really well made.

Now, now, now.

WARBLING STOPS

There!

Oh, that felt really, really good!

I'm surprised we sold anything.

You followed them round. People want to be left alone in a book shop.

You don't think I can do this job.

No, I don't.

I'll bet you I can recommend and sell a book to this bloke here.

Tenner.

You're on.

WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? I'M SICK OF BEING HOUNDED BY SALESMEN IN SHOPS!

I'M BROWSING! AT THE END OF IT I MIGHT BUY SOMETHING, I MIGHT NOT!

BUT YOU WILL NOT INFLUENCE ME ONE IOTA! NOT ONE JOT!

NOW I'VE FINISHED WITH YOU, YOU MAY GO!

Best of three?

I'm taking some clothes to Oxfam!

OK.

I usually lock up.

Well, now I'm here it's different!

Yes, it's different.

Wait, wait! Why are you locking the door?

I usually lock the door.

But now I'm here it's different.

Yes, it is, I've never locked anybody in before.

I can mind the shop for you.

Oh! Oh.

Psst!

Has he gone?

He's gone, everyone!

CHEERING

Where's all the books?

These have been sold.

Oh, Jesus!

Do you know what that means?

It means I have to go and ring the ordering place

and you have no idea how incredibly boring and complicated that is!

SHOP BELL

Hello? Is this the place where you order books from, for when you want to sell them from your book shop?

I don't know! I don't know! No!

Can you just send me some books?

Oh, God!

Hello? Yeah, hi. Who am I speaking to?

Katie? Hi, yeah.

Can I get the full Austen, complete Trollope... Not you!

Penguin editions, the new editions, yeah.

Tolstoy? Yeah, OK, fling a few in.

OK, then. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha!

OK, fine. See you, bye.

Manny?

I think it's about time you and I had a little chat

about this whole one-day trial thing and how we think it went.

I think it went very well.

You sold a lot of books. You got on well with the customers.

Thank you.

I'm gonna have to let you go.

What? But I sold a lot of books! I got on well with all the customers!

It's not that kind of operation.

Oh, Fran, I just wanted to...

Hi. Manny, I really enjoyed our little chat today.

Actually, Fran, thing is, I just popped in to say goodbye.

Why? What are you talking about?

What did I do?

Did you tell Manny he was fired?

You nearly hurt me in the shoulder!

Did you?

Yeah, a bit.

SHOUTING AND FIGHTING

Ow! >

Manny? Can you come inside?

Do you want to work here?

Yeah, all right.

He likes you.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

Ow! Ow! God!

Intelfax Subtitles Hannah Pope