Original subtitles

GENTLEMAN BY BIRTH

Brother: a masculine noun.

He who has the same father and the same mother.

He who is of the same faith, who is a companion and friend.

Thus it is written in the vocabulary. But already in the Old Testament

Cain and Abel belied this definition.

Things did not improve with the beginning of a new civilization.

Rome was born by Romulus's hand.

Remus died by his brother's hand.

Here are, sometime later, two scions of the Borgia family at a cocktail party.

Once in our century, a well-known writer would say:

more than enemies, they were brothers.

We're in the year of the Great Universal Exhibition.

Our story begins with two brothers, indeed, with one of the two,

Cav. Pio Degli Ulivi, ecclesiastical tailor.

In this austere model you contemplate the fine handwork of stiff linen, very stiff.

The skirt 3 millimeters from the ground. - Not 2?

No, Mother, this year skirts are worn short.

Fedele! Moreover, it's the model you've selected.

Or maybe this one, No. 6.

It was also chosen by another order. With the due alterations, of course.

Notice the finesse of these two pleats under the brea�

Above the waistline, I mean.

Fedele! Fedele!

Did you call me, Sir? - Yes, I called you. The bell!

Oh, you heard it! - Yes, go and open it!

I was just going to! - Come, on, don't waste time chattering. Hurry up!

Forgive me, Reverend mothers.

Good morning. - Morning, Sir.

Good morning. - Good morning.

This way. - Sorry, sisters, there's another brother�

Sorry, Mothers, there's another father� er� a visitor.

Here I am, Monsignor. Here I am.

Fine, fine! It fits you like a glove!

Yes, but you'll have to take my measures again.

Monsignor, what are you saying? You couldn't grow fat in 48 hours!

I did not grow fat! - Forgive me, I meant�

You are strong and healthy, and opulent, not fat!

Yet you'll have to take my measures again! You really don't understand?

Ah! You've been appointed!

How nice! I should have imagined, Monsignor. How happy I am!

Oops, sorry, sorry�

Oh, Eminence, what a beautiful thing! Good luck and many sons!

Er� male flowers, I meant.

Male flowers, beautiful, high, large, red. A cardinal color, eh?

Did you see, Monsignor? As they say, "Help others and you will be helped."

You promised to help me and you were appointed.

Me? What have I promised? - That�

Oh, yes, for the Barefoot Carmelites! - No, Monsignor, no�

The Dominicans. The Carmelites use very little cloth and go around barefoot.

While the Dominicans need many metres of white flannel!

I got 100 bolts of cloth from England.

Rascal, you measure the faith in meters? - No, no.

Only I fear that, in waiting, the Dominican brothers may feel cold.

Well, we'll see.

However, remember: Carmelites or Dominicans, all brothers are equal.

Don't speak of brothers! There's brothers and brothers, it depends!

Take my case. You know me, I'm honest, as a man and as a tailor.

But my brother, on the other hand� - Well, he must be a lost lamb. - No, no!

He's the black sheep of the family! He lives by trickery, by gambling!

And then, we have a noble title and he goes by the name "Zaz�"!

Hi, Zaz�! - Hi, Dear!

My dear. - Hello, Zaz�. How are you?

Fine, thanks. So you're all here. Good.

Hi, Zaz�. - Hi, Prince.

Dear.

Banco is at 300 lire. - Banco!

Card!

The dealer has 9! The dealer wins. - Goody!

Goody! Nice play, eh? Nice play!

Congratulations. - Baron! - Yes? - The money?

But I was joking. Just kidding!

He's always the same! - That's not nice!

Baron! - What's up?

What if you had won? - I'd have taken it! Think I'm an idiot? Colonel, are we joking?

Good evening! - Evening.

What would you say to a little game?

No, Zaz�, you're way too good! - Exaggerations!

Do you know why, we barons, we are good at billiards? - No.

'Cause we have balls in our family crest!

That's a good one! That's a good one! Too bad I wasted it like that.

Young man, listen� - Yes, Sir.

These cigars are fresh? - Very. - Give me one. - Baron, Sir�

We're at 60. - And with this? - 61.

No, I meant, so what? What do you mean, they're 61?

It's time for you to pay.

Why, don't I want to pay? Such an insinuation! Have respect!

Yesterday you said: "I'll pay tomorrow." - So I'll pay you tomorrow! I keep my word.

Yesterday you said "tomorrow." - If I said tomorrow, I'll pay tomorrow!

Don't insist! - But tomorrow is today! - Today and tomorrow: two different things!

I said I'll pay you tomorrow. Buzz off!

Keep your distance. I'll have you fired! What cheek!

"From the needle to one million". Zaz�, will you take me to the reharsal?

Wanna come on stage? A fine fool! As if I'd take you!

I go there because I'm a friend. I'm the protector of artists.

Indeed, the protector of showgirls! That's a good one! Allow me.

Young men, I notice today that at billiards,

you're all a bunch of fumblers. Sorry, a bunch of losers.

I'll show you a shot that, in all modesty, in Europe,

I'm the only one able to do. Move over!

Well then, pay attention. You see this ball? We'll put it here.

This other ball, watch, I'll put it here. Like that!

Don't move, everybody!

Ouch! - Sorry. Did I hurt you?

I won't do it again, sorry.

Cavaliere, a bit more to the right. Stand still, don't move!

Stand still!

Aaah! - Sorry! Are you hurt?

It was an accident! Let me see.

It's a trifle! A small bump, a trifle.

Baron, may I have a word? - Please, Mr. President.

Yes? - The club management wishes you a Merry Christmas.

Thanks, but I don't understand.

We're in spring, it's not Easter and yet you wish me a Merry Christmas? Thanks.

Because we're unlikely to meet again before then. - Golly! Why?

Given your arrears, the management asks you to to stop frequenting the club

until you've fulfilled your obligations. - Oh yeah? Bravo, President, bravo!

You anticipated me. That's exactly what I had in mind,

and I didn't tell you so not to mortify you, not to humiliate you, understand?

Silence! Don't insist! Battista, hat and coat!

I won't set foot in this club again, my dear president,

because now it's downgraded!

With my presence I had put this club on a pedestal! And I mean, a pedestal!

Understand? You want to know what this club is? Want to know?

I'll tell you: It's a dunghill!

Yes, a dunghill, I say! I didn't tell you earlier 'cause I'm a gentleman!

I'm a gentleman by birth! If you don't mind my saying so, dear sir!

Not only will I not come ever again, but I won't even allow my valet

to set foot in this filthy and stinky environment!

I'm going! I'm going!

Goodbye!

How'bout that! Battista, tell me, how come today we can't see a tram around?

There's a strike. - Then let's wait for a coach.

I'd put in jail all those who strike!

Speaking of jail, tomorrow is due the 300 lire IOU.

For Bernasconi? - Yup. - I know. Pay it.

Pay it? I ain't got a lira! - How's that?

Indeed, I'd like to remind you, Baron, that I advanced you 200 lire.

All my savings!

Look, I don't know why you don't just quit.

Because you owe me 12 years of salary. - I knew it!

So you stay with me out of interest!

It's really true, servants are paid foes!

But I'm not paid. - I don't pay you so as not to offend you,

because I put you on a pedestal. To not humiliate you. Understand?

Tell me�

12 years of service, at 20 lire per month� That's a cute one! How much is that?

2,880 lire.

Plus the 200 that I lent you? - No, that I lent to you! - That's right, I forgot.

Anyway, how much is that? - 3,080 lire.

And you think I'd give you 3,080 lire? If I did, you'd become a great lord.

And my conscience doesn't allow me to be served by a great lord. Be reasonable.

Now let's stop with this subject. It gets on my nerves!

Oh, here's the coach! - No coach, we'll walk! Come on, it's late!

Not like that, keep the note!

Gentlemen, please, the last 4 beats. Go on.

That's good.

No! Good, my foot! Hey, young man, too much realism with that kiss!

If that's the rehearsal, just imagine the debut! No, no!

Well done, Tit�. You were perfect!

Don't stay like that, you'll catch cold. Quick, the gown! Go to the dressing room.

Hello. - Hello. - Hello, beauty!

Zaz�, what looks better? This way or that way?

Like this or like that?

Like this or like that?

Like that, like that, like that. - Thank you Zaz�. - You're welcome.

20 minute break.

Zaz�! Zaz�!

Hello, Zaz�! - Hi, baby.

My love, doll. Hi, darling! - Hello! - Hello, beauty!

Zaz�!

What's up? - I must tell you something important later. - Later? As you wish!

Zaz�? - Tell me, my love. - I need�

� 2 lire. - Immediately, dear! - Thank you.

If only you'd asked earlier! Where did I put my checkbook? How careless!

Battista! Don't watch the girls, come here!

You got my checkbook? - Which checkbook? - You forgot it too?

Here's your drink.

I'll be right back, I'll see to it. Don't move. - Thanks.

Young man!

At your orders, Baron. - Look, how much do I owe you? - 5 lire.

You got change for 10? - Yes! Immediately!

Here it is. 1 2 3 4 5. - We're even then, eh?

And the 10 lire? - Sorry, what's this? Isn't this the change for 10? - Yup.

That's 5 lire. - Yes. - And you kept 5? - Yes. - Then we're even.

But I didn't get the 10 lire. - Didn't I give it? Maybe I was distracted!

Battista, please, give this young man a promissory note for 10 lire.

Immediately. Due date? - 3 months. All right for 3 months?

You're lucky!

Here, doll. 1 and 1, 2. All right? - Thank you Zaz�.

You know, I need them for� - I don't care, I'm a gentleman.

In all modesty, Baron Zaz� is Baron Zaz�!

And you're a doll!

What would that be? - A small present for you.

Listen well! This kind of small chain, you give to your wife!

My first communion was long ago! I need something heavier!

But, Tit� - And don't come into the dressing room!

From now on it's closed to you! Understand? Closed! - Tit�, no!

Zaz�! I beg you, help me!

Dear Benotti, this is a trifle, a triviality. What can I do?

I know, but there's also the case. - What can you do with it?

OK, but I got up this operetta for her. She's my leading lady!

I know but you're not her leading man!

The girl's got some experience. - Help me, make her forgive me.

Well, I'll try. But don't show yourself, go away.

OK, I'll disappear. Thank you.

These people! What can you do? It's miserliness!

Zaz�? - Yes, hon. - Did you see Garibaldi? - Sure! When I was a child.

Don't joke! - Sorry, but you ask me if I saw Garibaldi!

Garibaldi, the conductor! - No, not yet. Why, what do you need?

Well, I want you to tell him that Tit� Monteur isn't worth a damn!

Tit� is worth Benotti's money. Don't fool around with her!

I know, but in this position� I'm wasted!

I know, babe, I know, my beauty.

Lying down would suit you better.

Please, they'll heed you. Let me have the part of the cocotte.

Are you crazy? - Look! - Not a chance! Don't joke.

"My childhood blossomed on the sidewalk, a pale flower of the mud."

"Without the smile of a mother, without the warmth of a hearth."

How was that? - Bravo! - I'll smash your head! Needs more work!

You lack the charm of the great lover. Understand?

A lover that when a man sees her, he feels a spine-tingling� You know?

For example� I've known La Belle Otero�

You see? Just name her� and an alcove appears! What d'you know?

Zaz�, I'm so unhappy!

What can I tell you, honey? I can only give you a gift. Here, darling, for you.

How beautiful!

It's light. - It's light because, you know, this�

It's not an any chain, it's a necklace of great value, very antique,

almost from the Stone Age! It was worn by the Queen of Sheba.

Originally it weighed nearly ten pounds,

but with the wear of time, it got thinner.

No, no. - But I'm the fianc� of Miss Patrizia!

Dear Sir, if we let through all fianc�s on stage�

You can't! You can't! What are you doing? What are you doing, sir?!

Sir? What are you doing?

Let me down, Sir! Let me down!

Please!

Thanks, Zaz�. Thank you.

Who's that? - My fianc�. - Your fianc�? Battista!

See what the gentleman wants. - Yes? Speak with me. - No!

Help!

Enzo! Always the same thing!

Who is it? - It's me, Baron Zaz�.

Zaz�, I can't right now. Some other time, please.

I know, maybe you feel shy because you're dressed.

Then get undressed and let me in. It's urgent, very urgent.

But Zaz�, what do you want? Another time, please, I can't now, Zaz�.

Tit�, I have to tell you something important.

You have a past, right? But there's also a future. - I hope so!

Well, you should know that your future depends on your present.

And what's your present? It's Benotti!

That little bracelet! - You're right, it sucks, I agree.

But it's not Benotti's fault� There he is! Speak of the devil. It's not his fault.

It's not his fault, but the jeweler's. He swapped the cases.

He had bought a bracelet which weighed like a flatiron!

Don't exaggerate!

Well, a small flatiron. - Right! A small one. - It's all clear? - Yup!

Now make peace, for the good of the troupe. Long live the troupe!

Who's this? - Yes, who's this? - No, I'm asking! Who's this?

He's the tenor, the one who sings! - I know! But what's he doing in here?

Rehearsing. - In underwear? - You'll laugh, but he's in his underwear because

the dressmaker is ironing his pants. - Which dressmaker?

The dressmaker of the troupe. - There's no more troupe! Shameless slut!

No more money from me!

Wretch! The operetta won't go on, without money the troupe is dissolved!

Don't get angry for a stroke of flatiron! - Zaz�! What do we do now?

A fine mess, eh? A fine mess!

Nice job you've done!

These things happen in the best families, but then everything falls into place.

But when they happen in theater� they're really serious.

Really serious!

Battista!

Concierge! Concierge. - May I help you?

I want to talk to Baron Degli Ulivi. - He's not here.

He's not here? So it means he's in there. - Sir, let me down.

You get it, Battista? Because of an idiot who took off his pants,

the show won't go on anymore! That's crazy!

Baron! - Who is it? - Finally I meet you.

Bernasconi, what a pleasure! I was beginning to worry about you.

"Where may Bernasconi be?" And here you are!

At 12 tomorrow your IOU of 300 lire will be due.

Why are you worried?

When a gentleman signs a promissory note, at the deadline� - He pays!

No, he renews it. - No, this one can't be renewed.

Why, is it special? - Yes, your brother's signature as guarantee is false!

False? I wrote it myself! - That's why it's false.

But we're blood brothers, we are Ulivi [Olives]. We come from the same tree�

It's forged! And I accepted it only to send to jail� - My brother?

No, you!

Me? But� Look, by receiving a small sum, could you give me a discount?

How much? - 3 lire enough?

Here it is, in small change. - They're good for expenses.

What expenses? - The stamped paper.

Here is the complaint to the king's public prosecutor!

Why involve the king in our affairs? He already got so many things on his mind!

Look� - I don't look! - Listen to me� - I don't listen!

Deaf and blind, this animal!

Good evening, Zaz�. - Good evening, Dear. Bye, dolls!

Good evening, Bayad�res. Bye, Bayad�res.

Baron! I 've an idea.

You? In that head? I mean, have you ever had a radioscopy?

What can you have inside? Soot, mold?

Let's listen to this idea, come on! - Go to your brother. - Ah, no!

Don't say that again! Better jail!

No, better the brother. - Jail! - The brother.

If need be, better the brother in jail! OK? Don't say that again!

Baron. - What? - Let me down.

Why would you come down? You're so good up there! Pure and fresh air!

Here there are microbes! Lift up your hearts, lift up your life!

Sursum corda! What does it mean?

I don't speak French. - You beast, that's Sicilian! Come on.

Look� If we want to get married, we need money. And I'll make the money!

One way or another. - Oh, no! Not the "another".

When someone looks at you, I feel something here and I want to beat him down.

And the theater? Everyone's watching me! - Some day I'll knock down the theater too.

Look, why you don't try to knock down some opponent?

You never manage to win a wrestling match. But, are you really strong?

Wait a sec.

I'll get that.

Good grief! - The wheel, quick!

You're a dream! - How dare you? I don't know you.

Why wait? My motto is "speed".

Enzo? Come here.

This man is bothering me. - Actually, I was exposing�

He bent it!

Go! - I'd point out� - That'll teach you!

What a showoff! - Enzo, no, please!

Enzo, no!

You again! This bad habit of picking fights will cost you dearly. Arrest him!

Enzo, once again! The hat!

Sorry, dear. - Bye! - Bye!

A kiss! - Yes. See you soon! I'll come and visit you!

Good evening! Plentiful, good evening. Is Mr. Pio Degli Ulivi home?

Yes, but at this hour he's busy. He's saying his prayers.

Pretty doll! Then I'll wait.

Yeah, and how long? He's at the Fifth Sorrowful Mystery!

Oh, yeah? Then I'm the Sixth, my beauty! - Oh, yeah?

OK, then come in, please. This way. - Thank you.

Please come in. - Thank you.

One moment. - What d'you want?

There's a gentleman. - A gentleman? Who?

His name is Sixth. - Sixth? - Sixth.

What does he want? - Talk with you. - With me?

You know anything about it? - Me? How could I?

Well, I don't know� How does he look? - Yes, he's looking for you there!

Let it go, Pio. - She never understands a thing.

At this hour�

You can go to bed, Maria. - Yes, Pio. - I'll join you. - Yes, Pio.

How's his face? His looks? - I told you, he looks for you there!

Here I am. So sorry, Mr. Sixth, that I kept you waiting.

After all, I don't have the pleasure of knowing you, and�

You!

Dear brother! Didn't she tell you anything?

The maid? - No, the voice of the blood!

"The voice of the blood"!

Shame on you! You tried everything to make me receive you. Even a false name!

No, brother, no false name! I don't need to give a false name, got it?

I'm Baron Zaz�! And in all modesty, before me all doors are open! OK?

You disgust me! You're always the same!

From the outside, maybe, I won't argue. But not from inside, I've changed.

If you'd met me from the inside, dear brother, you wouldn't recognize me.

Don't talk with that voice, it makes me puke.

Zaz�� Zaz� the Baron!

You say so because you're not up to certain things.

I speak this way because I'm a gentleman, a noble.

And nobility makes us speak like that. I've kept my level.

My stature� My class, my style, my chic, my charm!

But not you. You're reduced to being a small-time tailor.

A Baron Degli Ulivi a small-time tailor!

And why is that? Because you're insane! - No, you are!

You're insane! - You! - You! - You! - You!

You'll go to hell when you die! - No, you! - You! - You!

I can already see you with devil's horns! - Not the horns!

Shut up, Maria Luisa is sleeping. - I don't give a damn.

You got horns and you're growing a tail!

The devil with the tail! - Don't joke with the tail!

Your brother tells you you got a tail!

Don't sit like that, it's bad luck! - Bad luck?

Oh, it's bad luck? I didn't know. So, tell, me,

is this way good luck? - Yup. - Lend me 300 lire.

You want 300 lire? I'll give them to you right away. - Thank you.

Here! Here! 300! And another, too! Here!

You're really rude! - I knew you'd come knocking for money!

But this time the door won't open! Go away, Ottone,

and let me finish my rosary in peace! - Still the same as ever!

Brother means smother!

Yes, if a brother is like you! I no longer have any brothers!

Why is that? - Never mind� - Am I death maybe?

- "DEATH"! The word is "dead"! - Why, didn't I say dead? - Aw, shut up, stutterer!

To you also, rightly, our father left a share of the inheritance.

Where did it end up, can you tell? - Where? - In partying!

In debauchery, in vice, in lust!

Not me. Thank God, I made so that my share yielded a return,

today I'm "Mr. Tailor"� - That's nice! - How's it said? "Dressing the naked"!

No, first you dress them, then you strip them. You're greedy!

So what? I'm a spendthrift. I'm generous. - Oh, you're generous? Then, Mr. Generous,

would you do me a generosity? - Yes. - Yes? Take your leave!

So you show me the door? You've shut my mouth and cast me out!

Just when I had cast out the devil from me.

That's to say, no more drinking, smoking and no women. - Yeah, no women!

Trust your brother: no more women. Now I have one goal in life:

Getting 300 lire and paying a debt, to avoid

a tragedy that would involve not only my family, but also yours�

Sorry! - Damn! - Sorry!

Go away, I won't give you a penny!

Mr. Brother, is that your last word?

You may go. - I'm going.

But remember� remember you refused to help a brother who holds out his hand!

Withdraw it, or I'll spit on it. - Oh, yeah? You'd dare spit on it?

You know me very little, brother. - To your own blood brother? - Yup.

The fruit of the same womb? OK, I'm leaving.

But you know what you are? Must I say it? You are a Cain!

Yes, a Cain!

I go away.

And don't hold me back, I won't stay. - I won't hold you, get out! - I'm going.

Goodbye forever, Sir! We shall never meet again!

Forever? But� Wait, Ottone!

You changed your mind? Give me the 300. - Never!

Explain what you mean.

Only I know! When you'll no longer be able to help me,

you'll regret not helping me, when you could have but didn't.

You want me to think you'll kill yourself? - I don't know. Think what you want.

Pio, the moribund salutes you!

Fedele! Open the door.

You're beautiful, nice and good.

Thank you, Sir. - My brother is a stinker!

That wretch! - You drove him out in that way! - He deserved it.

What if he does something foolish? - It wouldn't be the first time!

This time he talked about suicide. You know how the saying goes?

"If you let die a blood brother, days of bad luck one after another"!

Well, that doesn't scare me! Not at all!

That guy seems a little drunk!

So, as I was saying, I couldn't milk a penny from that pig of my brother!

But I gave him such a fright that you can't even dream of.

And he got scared? - No!

Why is she laughing? - Good grief! Because she's a merry woman, of course.

Concierge! - Sir? - Has any money order arrived for me? - No. - Strange!

Was the Baron expecting it? - No, but you never know! Battista!

That man lives here all year long? - For 15 years. - Holy smoke!

And it suits him? - Sure. He doesn't pay.

He doesn't pay? How come?

The old landlady of the hotel wrote in her will to lodge him for free.

All life long!

Battista! - Baron? - I told you that at the table I want to be served with gloves.

But the gloves are dirtier than my hands. - No matter, they're still gloves!

Come on, write. Hurry up! - I'm putting on the gloves.

This evening I've a huge appetite. I want a nice dinner, tasty and delectable.

Well then. - Place your order. - Appetizer. - Appetizer.

Caviar and salmon. - Cavia� - Caviar and salmon. - �on

Then a nice consomm�, very concentrated, with an egg in it.

One egg? - One egg is too few, huh? OK, make it two eggs then.

Put two eggs. - � eggs.

Oh, Battista! Tell me. Tell me the truth: How are we set with fish?

Badly? - You know, it's not in season.

Yeah, the storms� etc Well, replace the fish with chicken.

Chicken. - OK? Chicken� Fried potatoes�

With some fried potatoes, peas in season� cheese�

Which cheese? - Gruyere. - Authentic? - Authentic. - Yes, must be Swiss.

Then bring me dessert. - Which dessert? Cr�me Caramel? - Cr�me Caramel.

Fruit? Fruit� - Exotic. - Pineapple, the usual pineapple.

Now, all this I want to hose down with a nice bottle of chilled champagne.

French champagne? - French, Piper. Yes, bring me a nice Piper.

And� The money? - What money? - Money money.

What for? - To buy all this stuff. - I say, young man, it's now a habit!

A disease! Always asking for money!

Why? I've put you on a pedestal!

And you don't want to stay on the pedestal? Excuse me!

Use your money. - I don't have a penny, Baron. - How's that? - Not a penny.

So what do I eat tonight? Let's hear.

Same old baloney. - I've eaten baloney for 6 months. - Here it is, Baron.

Rude! I'll throw it in your face! - Sorry, Baron.

Ignorant, rude, boor! Tacky dimwit!

How about that! I'll send him away, no doubt.

Baron, I'm off. - Like that? Leaving me at mid-service?

I'm going home to eat.

Is it possible you eat every night? Can't you get rid of this bad habit?

They're knocking at the door! - Who can it be? - Who can it be?

Let's pretend we're not home. - Nobody home! - Hush!

Go look. - I'm going.

Who is that? - A lady friend! - A lady friend. - Of yours?

Who are you friend of? - Of the Baron!

The Baron is me, idiot! Let her in! - Come in.

Look who's here! What a surprise, what a beauty!

How are you? - Good evening, Zaz�. - Good evening, dear. Let me see you.

What are you wearing? You're so chic, so elegant! How ravishing!

This hairy fur! By a hair's breadth I didn't recognize you!

Am I disturbing you, Zaz�? - Not at all! It's him who's disturbing me.

Still here? He has a wife and children,

but is always here, stuck like a pearl to an oyster! Out! - May I?

- You have to leave!- So I go? - You must go!

Gorgeous lady, let me admire you!

Zaz�! We're alone at last!

To what do I owe the honor of this visit, unexpected and nocturnal?

You see, Zaz�, young people are good for certain things.

And often, not even for those!

You understand everything immediately. - I'm a man of the world! - I adore you!

Me? I say� but�

And your boyfriend? Maybe he saw you come in? Is he outside?

No, he's inside. They arrested him.

I'm glad for him, thank God. Good guy, he deserved it. - Look, Zaz��

Would you offer me a cognac?

I'm not crazy! Alcohol makes you lose your head! - But I've lost it already!

Yes, I've already lost it. I lost it for your personality,

for your experience, for your way of saying things.

Well, but I'm no longer a boy, I'm a mature young man. An adult! - No matter!

I like you as you are. - Adult? - Yes!

But� Don't you feel how hot it is in here?

Why don't you take off this hairy fur? Let me shed your fur, you'll be cooler.

Zaz�� - Huh? - Do you like me?

By Jove, if I like you! You're charming, you're provocative,

and dare I say, if I may� adjacent!

Well, why are you laughing? - Just goes to show. - What?

I was acting. - Now? - Yes. - Here with me? - Yup.

And the kiss? - Comedy. - The hug? - A scene.

The cozy-cozy? - That too.

You said I couldn't play the cocotte because� I didn't have the charm.

I meant to prove you that I do have it.

Do I have it or not? - You have it! And in spades!

So tomorrow you'll make me have the part. - So you don't know anything?

The troupe is dead, no more operetta, no more backing!

Benotti's gone broke? - No, he didn't go broke, but he's gone cuckold.

Tit� Oh God, Zaz�, I wanted it so much! - That's tough!

Who can it be? Your boyfriend? - Impossible. He's inside.

Maybe they released him! - Damned amnesties!

Wait! Who is it?

It's me, your brother!

My brother! I'm ruined! - Great!

Great my foot! I'm ruined, got it? What can I do? - But, why?

Where shall I hide you? Come here. - Why do you want to hide me?

Open up! I beg you, don't commit any folly!

Keep quiet, take the fur!

Open it, open it! - No, it's too late now!

Open up or I'll knock the door down!

Pio! - Open up.

What were you doing? Where's the bottle of poison?

The sublimate? - I'm not telling.

Were you going to hang yourself?

Where's the rope? - No rope. - How? Without rope? - Yes, without a rope.

Well, anyway, you're neither poisoned nor hanged, and that's what matters.

That's good. - Just like a brother!

Gotta wait for a brother to die, for a brother to go see a brother!

So much for brothers! # Fratelli� d'Italia� [Nat. Anthem]

A brother is by birth! - Of course.

I want to tell you that I spoke at length with my wife Maria Luisa,

and we decided to lend a hand� - Thanks. - Not that one.

Neither that. Nor this. - Which one? I got two. - Who wants them!

Not your hands! To lend you a moral hand�

to help you, seeing that it seems you're redeemed. - Very much so. - Good!

No tobacco? - No tobacco. - You sure? - No tobacco.

Come in! - Come in. - Come in.

Come in! - It's me knocking! - Why knock if you're inside?

I don't knock there to enter here, I knock here for you to look there!

Laugh. - Huh? - Laugh!

In the ashtray. - I must laugh in the ashtray?

Look, there's a butt. - Well? It's true, there's a butt.

"No tobacco"!

This is a clear evidence that I don't smoke butts, I throw them away.

You're convinced?

Anyway, you said you've changed. - From top to bottom. - Honestly?

From top to bottom! - You swear? - I swear!

Give me the 300 lire.

Wait a minute.

Wait. - What's up?

What's up? Ever since I entered here, I smelled a stink�

It's true. Brother, it's true. I haven't told you anything because I'm polite,

but since when you entered, I smell it too, that stink. And strong!

No, it's on you. - On me? - Yes, it comes from here.

Can't be! It comes from there. - Like a perfume that became a stink.

No, it's the hotel kitchen that sends� - Move away. - No! No!

What is it? - Oh my, who's behind you! - Oh God, don't scare me! Who is it?

You have the devil in a skirt. - Who put it there? - You!

Miss, who are you? What do you want?

What're you doing here? Leave a window open and somebody gets in!

Actually, I� - I what? - Comedian!

The open window� Enough! I'm going. You'll never see me again!

Pio! You go away like that? - How else?

You forgot the money. - Where? - The 300 lire.

You even want the 300 lire? Listen to him, how cute!

Seducer of minors! - Actually I'm of age.

Yeah, she could be your daughter! Look!

What did you say? - She could be your daughter. Shame on you!

It's the voice of blood that spoke to you. Finally! God, I thank you!

It's the voice of the blood. This is my daughter. Yes!

What? - Greet your uncle.

Greet your uncle! - Uncle.

There you go! - Daughter? - Daughter.

When did you have her? Come on! - A gentleman wants to keep quiet, but�

It's a long story.

I can't talk, with her here, don't ask me such things.

It was a youthful mistake, that's it.

I was seduced by an older woman.

She took advantage of my innocence, of my inexperience, and�

Here she is. - Sure, poor thing! And where is she now? - She's dead.

Dead? - She's dead!

If only she weren't dead! - She's dead.

Want to know how she died? Two or three days before the baby was born, she died.

What? She died before her birth?

Eh, Pio, you make me confused! I can't talk while she's here!

2 or 3 days after birth, she died, there!

And tell me� Who raised her? - The Sabatine nuns.

Sabbatine nuns? - Yes, they nursed her. - They nursed her?

Yes, with a feeding bottle this big!

Look, Dad, I'm off to boarding school. - No, Sir! You crazy? Nuts, maybe?

Your father will take you to school. That's that.

You scare her! You see?

OK, if things are that way, it means that I'll talk to Maria Luisa�

It's really a case of lending you a hand. Now there's a purpose.

Alright. Tomorrow you'll move to my house. - With all my things?

You'll come for breakfast. - With all my things? Baggage�

Everything you have. - It's not possible. - Why?

Because she� I'd give her a lot of slaps!

Shall I tell you? This rascal got engaged! You understand?

What did I say? Soon as he learns you got engaged, he'll go: "Ah, ah! Mmm."

And he's right!

Engaged� At that young age already engaged! - He's damn right!

And who is this guy?

A man� - He's a fine young man! - Yes, fine, fine.

OK, OK! Let's make it all one family, it doesn't matter!

I'll talk to Maria Luisa, let him come to breakfast tomorrow too.

I can't. - Why?

Because I dislike him. I won't bring him! - Ottone, he must come!

I won't bring him! - I demand it.

Well, if you force me, that's different. Against force, reason can't prevail.

Agreed, then? I'll be going. I'll go.

And the 300 lire?

Ottone, how can you ask for 300 lire, at a moment like this?

At a moment when you make me such a revelation? My heart is torn apart!

I'm touched too! - You ask for 300 lire, but how can I think about money�

at a moment like this?

Scoundrel! He pretended to be moved so not to give me the 300 lire.

But you'll have to give a thousandfold more than that!

We'll fix it all tomorrow. - But my fianc� is in jail.

OK, we'll find one, maybe second-hand! He doesn't know him anyway.

But Zaz�, what do I gain by this? - So, you didn't understand?

My brother is very rich, there is enough for you and for me!

I'll take over the troupe and you'll be the leading lady! - Zaz�, you're terrific!

And you are� you're fantastic, magnificent.

You know? The more I watch, the more I see that the nuns raised you very well!

Don't forget you're my father now. - You're right! I'm your father.

I'm in a hurry! I have to leave now! - First you eat, then you go out.

And then, I don't like cod with potatoes. - That's news! You eat it every day!

That's why I can't stand it anymore!

You mustn't have fancy tastes. Try rather to bring home some money.

I work, y'know! - Great job! A valet for free!

The Baron! I'm attached to him. - Affection yields no money!

Eat the cod, see how good it is.

Are you crazy?

Giving this slop to the kids? You want 'em to get sick, eh?

Eat the cod!

Here we are!

What kind of trees are these? - Dried fruit trees, Japanese plants.

Good morning! - Morning, Aunt. - Morning, Lady.

It's not the aunt, it's the maid. - Madam, they is arrived!

That damn Battista, who hasn't come yet along with suitcases!

Zaz�, I feel ridiculous dressed like this! - You're fine, just fine!

Don't forget you're a schoolgirl. - Well, the schoolgirl is pissed-off!

A schoolgirl talking like that? A fool-girl talks like that!

There they are!

Good morning, dear!

How are you? - I bless you, my girl.

Good morning, Uncle. - Dear niece. - Welcome brother.

Good morning, Aunt. - Let me see you. How pretty she is!

Charming! - She resembles me a little. - And the fianc�, where is he?

He should've been here� Here he is!

He's here. Allow me. Battista Signori. - It's a pleasure, Signor Signori.

Quite the effusive guy, eh?

Good morning�

Very effusive! - Yes, really�

Effusive and loving.

Come on, dear, breakfast shoul be ready. - Come, come. You must be hungry, eh?

I'm already tasting the lamb! - Which lamb? - Er� Veal. - No!

Veal? Which veal? - Beef chops. - No! - Pork ribs. - No!

But, do we eat or not? - Sure! But today is Friday, a lean day, no meat.

We'll eat codfish. - Good, good. - Codfish!

His face is upset. - Well, you know, it's emotion. The fianc�e, the uncles�

No,no� It's the stomach!

Yes, emotions hitting right in the pit of the stomach.

You like codfish, dear? - Golly! It's my favorite dish! Right, Dad?

Your uncle had it prepared fried, in a casserole, and with potatoes.

Let's go, or it'll be overcooked. Codfish is to be eaten al dente!

That's a good one!

Jokes must be told well. In all modesty, I�

I know another one. A bit risqu�, though. I don't know if Maria Luisa� Which one?

Of course, of course�.

What's the difference between the professor and the rose?

That's a funny one!

The professor and the rose. - I don't know. - I'll tell you.

The rose blooms� the professor looms!

Funny, isn't it?

Gorgeous! Good one! Too bad you wasted it that way.

Bravo, big uncle, bravo! I too know a good one.

You know the one about the first night?

That of the first night in school. The first night in the nuns' school.

Yeah, but everybody knows it! - No, I don't. How does it go?

Tell it, dear. - No, I will, I will.

The first night, in the nuns' boarding school, there's a new schoolgirl

who meets the mother superior�

Huh? Exactly.

Seeing the mother superior, she says: "If you're superior, why are you short?"

That too is a good one . - The Baron knows a thing or two!

Well, now, a surprise. Two gifts, one for the daughter and one for Dad.

Dad first! - No, daughter first. - The world reversed? - Here's Patrizia's.

What is it? A prayer book?

It's a savings account book, with the first 50 lire.

50 lire!

You deprived us of a niece for 20 years, we need to make up for lost time.

Thanks, Uncle. Thanks, Aunt. - You're welcome, dear.

This is for Ottone, here you go.

Thank you, Pio. - Read above, read.

"The life of Saint Ottone, martyr and beheaded."

"Burned" is not written? - No. - It's written inside.

"And burned." Yes. - How it made me cry, that book!

And it'll make me cry, now! - No, please!

I'll serve. - Thank you, good idea!

Gentlemen, coffee is served!

Any for you? - You'll get a golden husband, Patrizia. He's so domestic! - This one?

This one was born domestic, and a domestic he'll die.

Just a little. That's enough.

While you're having coffee, my brother and I

will have a chat in the living room, man to man. - You wanna talk?

May we, Maria Luisa? - Please. - Excuse me, women. - Let's go.

I'll close it.

Open it!

It was stuck. - You're a living calamity! - So sorry.

Sorry. Shall I apologize on my knees? Shall I cry? - Just be careful!

It was an accident! You got long hands, not my fault. - You ruined me.

Leave the paintings alone! Don't touch, it brings bad luck!

Really? - Yes, don't touch.

This too? Who's this? - St. Terenzio.

He brings bad luck? He works miracles! - OK, but leave him alone.

St. Terenzio� - Get off! - Let me find 300 lire, I need them!

Get off the couch!

He's done the miracle! The safe!

Yeah, the safe!

But you need the word to open it. - How many letters?

Eight. - Eight letters? "Stinker"!

No, stinker makes 7. "Dogs"! - That's 4.

4� Then, 2 dogs! Got it!

Forget it, Ottone. - It won't open. - Leave the safe alone.

Come here and sit down.

Tell me all.

Come on! I want to know the whole story. - A word. It's a word!

Which word?

An 8 letter word. I'm thinking which could it be.

Forget the safe! - So, what did you want? - To know how the story began.

The story of Italy? Garibaldi� - What has that to do with it?

The story of the dear departed.

Oh, the mother of� my daughter?

How did it start? - You asking me? - You wanna know from me?

Maybe you told me a lie? - Yeah!

No! I mean, yeah, would I tell you a lie? I'll tell you right away.

So, it was on the last evening of Cannival. - What? - Cannival. - Carnival!

"Anything goes at carnival time".

My room door opened wide and in came Pulcinella. - Pulcinella? What the heck...

It was she, dressed as Pulcinella. - Ah, she was masked.

You know how it is� I got a Pulcinella act. - Dad?

Dad, we have to go to rehearsals. - It's true! - What rehearsals?

The charity show of the Sabbatine nuns.

You should see how they dance, They look like angels. - Angels.

The Sabbatines? - Kiss your uncle.

Thanks Uncle. - Give him another. - Thank you. - Me too.

No, not you. - Let's go.

But this is my dress! - No, all the costumes are seized.

He'll pay! - Me? - All this is your fault! - Guys, here is Zaz�!

Good morning, girls! - Zaz�, you see what's happening?

No, what's up? Don't know, I'm not aware. - They seized the costumes.

How dare they?

I came just to tell you: the evening after next the show will be held!

Who's putting the money? - Golly, if Zaz� says so, then the money's there!

What Zaz� says can't be disputed!

Young man, what are you doing? - I'm the costumer, I take my stuff back.

Don't get me mad, leave the baskets here! - I want to be paid!

That's a bad custom for a costumer!

Let alone that your face looks like that of a mortician. - To each his own face!

Yes, but you're overdoing it Baron Zaz� is telling you!

I'm taking over the show. Indeed, I came to tell you

that the new leading lady is Pat... Outta way!

Patrizia!

Bravo, Zaz�. - Tell me, dear. - You've always helped us, advised us...

and now you're even financing us. - Of course!

After Benotti left, thanks to you, someone had to take care of this.

Please do not mention that vulgar man!

You, you�re a real man, Zaz�. - In all modesty, I'm also a man of the world!

Do not joke! - I'm not. - Zaz�...

Deep in your heart, you know I always loved you... in silence.

Oh, yeah? Really? I had never noticed.... ever.

Baby, you got it all wrong. You know who's the leading lady now? Patrizia.

She's almost like a daughter to me. - You've adopted her? - Well, just about.

For me too Benotti was almost like a father!

What would you imply? - What you understood.

Bye! I leave you to your family affections!

Goodbye, Lady of the Camellias!

Zaz�, Garibaldi must tell you a word.

I know it. - That is? - "I obey!" Tell me, Garibaldi.

Baron... There is the handle. - The handle? Which handle?

The lady? She's a handle? I didn't notice! - She's the one who was in Orfeo theater.

The handle of the door of Orfeo that would never open?

The character actress. Is there a small part for her?

Well... - She's good, you know? - She's good? Is she really good?

She drinks. But when she drinks, she's even better.

Alright, but what can she do? What can a handle do? Open the show?

Good one! Too bad I wasted it like that!

Look, lady, sorry, nothing doing with us now. If you wish you could do this:

Go to the tavern and drink a pint of wine to our health. Garibaldi will pay for it.

Is that right, Garibaldi? Au-revoir!

It sounds fishy! Not a penny from him and now he wants you even at mornings!

Because he's in a villa with his brother! - Yeah, with a maid or other women!

Women! You should see them! - Sure, I'll see them. Tomorrow.

Since you're not able to get paid even in a rich house,

then I'll see to it. Tomorrow.

But... look, I'm still on a trial period, for heaven's sake! - Sit down. And eat.

Well, what's there?

What's there? - Look.

Codfish!

Hic! It's 3 o'clock! It's so late! - Don't shout!

Waddya doing? Turn off the light!

Where you going? No!

Those are the bedrooms! The safe is over here.

The safe is there. - Do you know the word?

The maid told me this morning. Y'know, I worked on her.

You got that? That idiot of my brother put my name to the lock.

Ottone? - Yes, Ottone.

It won't open. - I bet! You wrote Ottone with one "t" only!

It's true! Ottone is with two "t"s. Like Tango, Delta...

Done! Come, come, come!

Rascal! There's nothing!

That rogue deprived me of the gusto of robbing him. - Wait, Zaz�, let me see.

No, there is something! - What?

What a beautiful woman! - Let me see!

It's a photograph from 20 years ago! - There�s also a dedication.

"To Ottone Degli Ulivi"� But Ottone Degli Ulivi's me!

"Your red pussycat, Lil� Juju."

Who's that? This Juju was a chanteuse, but I never met her.

Oh, probably he's had a relationship with this woman

and to avoid complications, he gave her a fake name: yours.

You're right! Indeed, at that time he was engaged to his present wife, Maria Luisa.

And he was already miscasting her!

He what?- In poor words: Bamboozle! - What does it mean? - Cuckold!

What kind of schoolgirl are you? What do they teach you at school?

Who's in the living room?

You see? This is a black Moor.

What're you doing here? - I was explaining to Patrizia how a Moor turns black.

At this hour? - Well... What time is it? It's only 10 o'clock!

Ten? That's strange.

Yes, it's a bit late, it's 10 pm.

But the nuns, after the recital, gave refreshments. - The nuns?

Yes, a dance party, a bit of holy wine, some donuts� you know how it is.

Well, okay, let's go to bed. Go on, guys, come on.

It's not so late. - Come on, Ottone!

Pio, I'm telling you. - It's late, I said go to bed.

In my house we live a healthy life: you go to bed with the hens,

you wake up with the rooster.

Good night. - Good night, Pio. - Good night, Uncle.

Good night. - Good night, Uncle. - Good night, Pio.

What's going on? - Nothing.

Is it already dawn? - No dawn, dear, it's barely 10 o'clock.

Do you hear?

Do you hear?

What now? Roosters sing at 10 pm? My, what times are these!

What a mess, what anarchy!

I feel like I've slept for ages. I'm not sleepy at all.

Hey! What did you do to the Moor? Ottone! Ottone!

Ottone? - What�s happening? - I don't know, he's gone senile!

He's sleepwalking! - Let's wake him up.

You can't! It's dangerous, he could die! - Eh! - What?

Did you say something? - No. Watch out.

This too? - Move it away, move it away!

This is heavy! Damn, he's running after me! It's scary!

I'm scared! He stopped.

Damn, he gave me a slap! - You must let him do all he wants!

Where's he going? - Over there. Move the chair, the table!

Such a slog at this hour!

Please, after you!

We'll talk, soon as you wake up�

What's he doing? - Don't know. - How "Don't know"?

I don't know! - Hey! He's gone into the bed! - Yes...

Maria Luisa! - What? - He's crouching down! - He is! - Are we joking?!

Mamma mia! - Help, people! Where am I? Who are you, who am I?

Introduce yourself, who are you? - I'm Maria Luisa! - Maria Luisa?

And who's that? - Pio!

Who are you? - I'm Fedele.

You wake me up in this way? - Poor thing, he's a sleepwalker!

I'm a sleepwalker! I could die on the spot! - Yeah! - Now I feel bad! - Yes?

Maria Luisa, I feel sick, I feel my heart in my throat! Right here.

Since when you've become a sleepwalker?

Because of sacrifices, neediness... abstinence�

Well... let's go to bed. Go to sleep! - Big deal, big deal!

Fedele, so sorry. Sorry for the trouble.

It will be for some other time. I often have these crises. - Yeah, it's a vice!

Who's going with me? - I will. - Go Go!

Go! - I'm going. - Lower your hands! Don't act the comedy! - Let's go.

Go, Zaz�! Go, Zaz�! - Show me the way.

It's your fault! Why aren't you locked in?

Tomorrow night, lock the door and bring me the key!

If I lock myself in the room, how can I bring the key? - Well...

Close your cleavage, cheeky girl! Look at that!

Good night, sister in law. - Good night.

Good night, Pio. - Good night.

Good night, - Good night.

The toast can be postponed �til morning.

To-morrow, none can tell!

Just think of it!

Patrizia, how nice! The two of us finally alone in a bedroom.

Zaz�, go to sleep, I'm so tired!

What's happening? - Who knows? I'm going to see. - I'm coming too.

What's going on? Look, look what he did! - Hush! She's sleeping.

With the bed on the floor? - He made it fall!

Me? - Yes. - I lowered the bed because, as a child, she used to sleep low.

Yeah? At this age she still sleeps low? - It's a matter of habit.

You sleep high, she sleeps low, I sleep at medium height. - OK, OK...

Sing. - What should I sing? - Don't shout! The lullaby.

Great news this morning! - There's a double cappuccino!

No, you're free! - How come? - The injured party didn't file a complaint.

No? - And then there's the inauguration of the Great Universal Exhibition!

How happy I am!

I'll see again my Patrizia!

She'll be bored for all this time without me!

Long live freedom! - What a weirdo!

Flowers were always my passion. Do you like them?

Well, I prefer emeralds.

Patrizia, you talk like� don't know! - Like a chanteuse?

I've never known such women, God forbid, but who taught you to speak like that?

Dad! - Eh, that one, it couldn't be but him!

Come, let's go to the greenhouse.

I'll show you a very peculiar type of flowers.

You see, Battista, money gives you a sense of security.

For instance, here, one feels protected.

Yes, here our back is safe!

You are the sadist who seduced her! - Battista, do something. - Not my issue!

What sadist? No sadists, here. - I was told she lives with an old man!

Old man? Oh, yes!

True, an old man. He's in the greenhouse, it's not me. Be my guest, go in.

Disgusting satyr !

Pig, you beat my uncle! - Your uncle?

You've ruined everything! He'd make my dowry so we could get married!

I didn't know! I'm going to apologize! - Hurry up!

I better explain him myself. You go away or you'll end up in jail again!

Let me give you a kiss. - There's no time!

A small one! - I'll have it sent home to you.

Go away, Enzo!

The danger is over, Pio! Where are you, Pio!

Shut up! - Come out. - Where's the fool? - He's gone.

How did he enter with the door closed?

You know how madmen are. - How are they? - They're mad! - Ah, right!

Where's Battista? - Over there.

Order me, Baron. - Come out!

I'll say! Is this the way you defend your fianc�e?

I was observing, ready to spring at the appropriate time!

If I'd come out sooner, I'd end� - To the hospital! - Under observation, of course!

Did you get scared, darling? - Well, my fianc� gets dangerous when he gets mad.

Who, this? - You don't know him! Better for you!

I don't know him? We hid together in this trench!

It doesn't show but if he gets mad he becomes a beast. - He?

Then, take arm in arm the beast, now that the danger is over,

take a nice walk. Take her into the greenhouse, her place is with flowers.

Thanks, Uncle, you flatter me! - Go, go!

You're young! Have fun!

I like their demeanor. Correct. Not even touching their elbows. - You bet!

When they'll get married, then� everything.

Mamma mia, the madman! - No, madmen ringing bells? Unheard of.

Exactly cause he's crazy! - They don't ring bells!

Oh, Baron!

Who's that? - I don't know her.

I don't know you, madam. - What do you mean? I'm Signora Signori!

Hide yourself!

Signora Signori? Who's that? - She's the mother of Battista.

Ah! Come on in, madam.

Signora Signori, my brother Pio. - I'm pleased, madam. - My pleasure.

Battista is really a good guy. - Yes, good, very good.

Not to mention Patrizia! - Don't mention her. - Not to mention Patrizia! - Don't.

Don't talk about her. - But we are. Do you know her?

No! - How come? Then go meet her, madam.

She's walking with Battista, in the greenhouse. - The greenhouse?

They grin inside the house... - I gave them permission to walk together.

I took the liberty, the girl is of age...

Mr Pio, they want you in the laboratory. Go, go!

Excuse me, madam, my brother will stand in for me. - Yes.

But... Please, who is this Patrizia? - She is a child.

At 21? - So what? That doesn't mean anything!

Sorry, it's not to meddle, but, how old are you? - 40. - You see?

Now, not to flatter you, or to pay a compliment, but you look 20! - Well, thanks!

But I don't get it. You said that Battista loves her, what does it mean?

He's fond of her. - Fond? - Affection. - Affection? - Fond... like of a daughter.

A 21 year old girl? Come on! - Hold on, lady, where are you going?

Inside! - Don't make me tell a truth I wanted to hide!

Hide what? - But you insist!

Who's insisting? What's this? - Patrizia is his daughter! - Whose?!

Whose? Battista�s, not mine! - When did he have her? - Let's see�

How many years have you been married? - 12. - You see?

So, 9 years earlier the girl was born. 9 and 12 give 21? - Er, yes.

Math is not an opinion! Before your marriage, so it's not a serious sin, in the end.

After 2 or 3 years the girl's mother died, and I took home both her and Battista, OK?

That's why you don't pay him! You support her too!

The girl eats, needs shoes, dresses� - I want to talk to Battista!

No, madam, I wouldn't advise it right now.

Why? - You see... he's ashamed, that's it.

At the right time he himself will confess to you, but now it's not the time.

Go away, madam. - You say I should go? - Go away.

I advise you to go away. - And not say anything? But how did it happen?

OK, I'm going! - Go away!.

Don't worry, I'll call you at the right time. You'll be recalled, understood?

Ah! You're back, damn lion! Go back to the jungle! - Forgive me!

Look, I promise I'll be good, Let me see Patrizia. - No!

I want to give her that kiss! - Come on, hurry up, give me the kiss.

Not to you, to Patrizia! - OK, I'll give it to her on your behalf.

If you don't let me kiss her, I'm not going. - Yeah? This is a blackmail! However...

I'll let you, provided you go. Come along.

Give it to me. He'll come straight away, father. Be patient.

Patience is the first virtue of our rules.

The Reverend is ready for the fitting. Go tell them to hurry.

Eh! How shameful!

We've come to this?

Oh, no! That's not the way!

Scram, quick! - What's this? What disgrace is this?

So you kiss the first madman you meet? - He compelled me by force!

Y'know, madmen are dangerous, and the poor girl�

Poor nothing! She liked it, I saw her!

And you, you kept watching! What kind of fianc� are you?

By watching, you learn!

You'll go back to the convent! - Yeah, cloistered! Enough now!

You know what? I'm fed up with you!

But, Patrizia! My niece! - What niece? Niece my foot!

I don't give a snap for the uncle, the aunt, and the whole family! - Patrizia!

You know what you're saying?

You're closing a curtain that will never rise again, got it?

Tough! I hafta kiss all but the one I like! Valets, fathers, grandpas and uncles!

I'm going home, you deal with it! - Where would you go?

To my mother! - You said she was dead!

Dead? That's another lie he's invented.

Thank God she's alive, and how! Goodbye to all! - Goodbye.

She's gone crazy, poor thing! - Maria Luisa is right, the girl is crazy..

Yeah, she's crazy. - I don't think so!

Meanwhile, you get out immediately! - Who, me? - Yes, you!

No, the baron has to say it. - So I'm telling you: get out!

Just like that? - How else?

Without notice? - Get out or I'll slap you! - Out, out! Get out!

You've heard what your daughter said? - No, I was absent-minded. What?

She said her mother is alive! - Oh, yes? I'm pleased, congratulations.

Didn't you say she's dead? - I said so not to upset you.

Did I do well? - Well, yes. He's so sensitive that...

Now there's only one thing to do: to repair! - OK.

Ottone, understood? Look into my eyes: Repair! - OK, I'll repair.

Good, good. Maria Luisa, prepare me a chamomile. Double.

I will repair. What else can I do?

Mamma mia, the police! What wrong?

Nothing, just a complaint made by Baron Zaz� for a theft of which he was the victim.

Oh, nothing serious, good! The Baron was just here.

I'll go fetch him now. In the meantime, go wait in the lab. - Well. Come along.

Mr. Pio.

Oh, sorry, gentlemen. - You know where Baron Degli Ulivi is?

Try that door. I saw someone going in just now.

Thank you, good man.

Wait here.

Excuse me, Father.

Father?

Peace and love, brothers.

Cheers, peace and love, children.

Doh! A uniform!

I didn't know my brother served also the army. Anyway� Prosit.

You too, sergeant. Have a good day. - Actually, we're looking...

But, father, you look a lot like� - Zaz�. True, everyone say so.

Of us three brothers, only Pio, the tailor, is different.

He was born ugly, poor guy, not his fault. While Zaz� and I

we're like two drops of water.

You know what they say: "The devil and holy water."

I hope, sergeant, there's nothing serious against my good brother. - Actually, yes.

You see, reverend, there's a complaint to the king's prosecutor for lack of payment.

Ah! - Eh!

We only lacked the lack of payment now! Is it a debt, maybe? - A bill of exchange.

Excuse me?

A bill of exchange! - What is it? Something you change, maybe?

You don't know what it is that piece of paper, a credit title, "I will pay you"?

Aggravated by a signature allegedly false.

My brother, in what abyss did you fall!

You didn't listen to me, to my advice. What good were my prayers for!

"Cave Canem!" "In Hoc Signo Vinces!" [Latin sayings]

EST, EST, EST. [Renowned white wine brand]

Dunno!

What could be done? - To pay!

Is that all? I thought... Oh well, I'll pay. - It's a large sum.

Better finding 300 lire than finding a brother in jail.

Father, how do you know it's 300 lire?

You said so. - No, you did. - You did. - No, I said...

No, do not insist, don't insist. Don't tell lies or you'll end up in hell.

OK, I'll address my superior, who likes me, honoring me with his friendship.

We did three years of seminary in Cuneo! He'll help me.

If it's so� - It is so.

But you have to give me a little time, it's not like inflating balloons!

Given the High Intervention� - Yes, a couple of days...

Well, even three days... are enough.

We will suspend the practice until it will be all right.

Thank you, sergeant.

I thank you, and I will remember you in my prayers. - Thank you, Father.

Tell me, officer, in the hereafter, do you have any relative?

Sadly, yes. - Well, I will pray for your dead. - Thank you, Reverend.

And you, do you have any dead? - No, actually...

Have faith, son, have faith� You'll have them.

Um... Good day, Father. - Peace be with you.

Good morning.

Oh, sorry, Father. Did you maybe see�

Don't you recognize me? - Why are you dressed like that? - I'll tell you later.

Make a package... - Hush! - ...and send it to the monastery.

Prosit, boy. - Dear Father, you, too in my same Order!

Yes, order comes first! Moreover, I'm very orderly!

We're even from the same monastery! How come we haven't met before?

What can I say? The monastery is so large. And then, I'm a hermit.

Locked in a cell? - Yes, within three days. If I don't pay.

What do you mean? - I mean, because my cell, I rented it.

Father, let's kiss hands. - Goodbye, Father.

Now I'll explain.

With all your troubles you still want to smile?

One is a gentleman by birth. But idiots like you die.

And I marvel that you're not dead yet!

But the bill has expired, what can you do? - Practically, the bill is paid for!

Oh, Miss Patrizia! I'm off. - No, don't go away. Stay here.

Baron Zaz�. - There he is.

Look, Zaz�, I came to tell you that I feel mortified. Can I do something for you?

Nothing, it's too late, you've ruined me. - I can apologize to Pio.

Yeah? So should I marry your mother? Are you crazy?

Then I can't do anything for you?

Want to do a nice thing? Go away. That's it, go.

She's gone? - Yes.

Do one thing. Go...

You're always before me! What the heck!

Run to the newspaper.

Have this notice published. 20 words, a nickel a word, it's 1 lira.

You got 1 lira? - I'm left with my last 2 lire.

Then post the notice and bring me 1 lira of change. Hurry up.

Hurry up!

Mr. Pio!

Mamma mia! Mr. Pio! - What's up? - Mr. Ottone!

What happened? - What a pain! Look here!

All dressed up in mourning! What'd he do? - What a pain! Look at my arm, the pain!

Your arm hurts? - No! Look... - What happened?

Read, read it. Second page, section 5.

Section 5?! - Yes, 5th column. My dear sister in law!

"Hon. Giolitti states in Parliament that there will be

no more floods in Polesine"? - No, no! No! Look under Giolitti! What's there?

Under Giolitti... "Quinine water Migone"? - Not that. Look below.

Where? - At the bottom.

"Comforted with the last rites, Angelina Marchi passed away yesterday.

The news is given by her heartbroken daughter Patrizia and her devoted friend

Ottone Degli Ulivi." - Alias Zaz�.

It's not written. - Everybody knows!

Easy, easy.

What's this? Crying on my neck! - Ottone, it's her? - It's her!

Ottone! - I know... - Well, off, off!

No work, today, we close for mourning. - Condolences, sir!

Thanks! To you as well, my daughter.

Same to you, my daughter. - Ottone! Ottone, take heart. - But, tell me, brother.

But is she the one you wanted to marry? - Yes, yes.

You see? I was ready to repair! Up there they didn't want to!

And I'm left alone, in this vale of tears, to cry!

To pay and atone for!

Eh, Ottone, life is like a bill of exchange! - Right! Life is a IOU.

And I must pay, understand?

Eh, as to paying, there's still time. - Not so much, y'know? Not so much.

So many flowers I'll bring to her grave!

The beautiful grave I'll build for her, in black marble, so expensive! - You do well.

With your help, of course. - My help? What do you mean?

I thank you. I knew you'd help me.

I'd help you, but� - But I'll pay back.

I'll work, pay, atone and pay back. I'll pay back, work and atone. - Wait a sec.

To pay back it takes a loan, and I made no loan. - Oh, well...

Pio! You won't appear stingy in front of your brother's mourning!

Look here, look, look! - That's not it, but�

If I died, wouldn't you make me a tomb? - Maria Luisa, of course! A tomb...

What a great idea I had! A magnificent idea! I get them like that.

I don't know how I get these great ideas!

We could make a nice tomb, a big one, very big.

A home-tomb for the whole family. We'll all go in it.

You can inaugurate it when you want, I give you precedence. - Thank you.

But you needn't worry, I'll take care of everything.

I'll deal with the engineer, architect, masons. Want to see the project?

Come see the project. - No, Ottone �

I'll show you the project! It's a projector! Look here! Give me a chalk.

There! Get in that house. I'll be close to you and I'll play along.

It's not blackmail, eh? - No, it's a good deed to get Zaz� out of trouble!

Ah, remember! Your name is Lil� Juju, he used to call you "red pussycat"�

And he gave me a daughter that would be you. - Perfect! Let's go.

Ah! I knew you'd return to the wolf's den! - Enzo, go away. I'll explain later.

No! Enough with "explain later". Explain everything now!

Leave me, I have to go to my uncle! - Yeah? What do you go to your uncle for?

A delicate mission.

I don't believe in your uncle, nor in that sleepy-looking moron.

Oh, that's just my fianc�! - Yeah? And who am I?

OK, I'll explain. But promise that before you act, you'll count up to 1,000.

8 columns!

Exaggerated! It's the Trajan's Forum? - It's the greatness of the monument.

And this crowd? - They're little angels. Cherubs. - Cherubs?

Yes, on each column we'll put a cherub. A column, a cherub, a cherub a column..

And in the middle, a beautiful woman who... represents the sorrow.

No, it doesn't fit. - We'll widen out the columns and make her fit in.

What's this? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... - Oh, yes! It's a big staircase.

A big staircase with 70 steps, very beautiful.

70?! - Yes, the flight of steps is important!

But what is it, the Capitol? - Why? - Too many!

But, one goes there to cry... gasping, and he must climb 70 steps!

Why do you care? You go up dead, not alive! Got it?

I'm alive and I have to climb alive. - No, the living wait downstairs! - No, no.

So we gotta put an elevator? - What are those? - Arches.

Arches? - Triumphal Arches. - Is that the Colliseum? - It's the Triumph of Death!

The coffins pass below. It's important. - Mamma mia!

And this square? - Ah, yes, that's my idea! A pool!

A pool? - Yes. - A pool in the chapel?

Yes, it's summer, it's hot�

So you undress, a bath, a dip� you know? - You take a slush� - Also.

Then we gotta put a small bar? - Oh, come on!

What's this pit around?

Ah, that's another idea of mine, cute. I'll explain: It's the Wailing Wall.

But where are we, in Jerusalem? - If you need to cry, where do you cry?

You cry kneeling, in a spot by the chapel. - Okay, we remove the wall.

No, it doesn't work out. And then, we need a quote well done. - I've done it.

I know the figure by heart. - Which is? - 638 lire, can't go wrong. - A patrimony!

A patrimony? You find it expensive? - No. At the very least, we do in half.

Okay, let's do in half. I'll put my 38 lire and that's it.

You get away with 38 lire? - Well, I'm small, how much room can I take?

Right? OK, don't get mad, I'll be cremated. A nice jar of cream... - You can't! Sinner!

You're a Catholic, you can't be cremated! - OK, I'll lie crouched! What shall I do?

I'll do the account, now!

My friend, Caterina Maniglia can work even without a stooge!

Are we kidding? Where's the key?

You nearly broke me a tooth! - So was it my fault?

Your hands are everywhere! - How could I know that the crank..? Ah!

So you keep the money here, huh? - I don't do it for you�

What did you take? - Nothing. - Open your hand. - Nothing!

I do it for that holy soul, the mother of Patrizia.

Sir, sir! In the garden there's a lady.

Says she's the mother of Miss Patrizia. - Hey!

Then she's not dead, she's alive! And I believed you, like a dupe!

You're a fool, brother, sorry for saying so! It must be a ghost!

No ghost, sir! She's there, in the flesh!

Indeed, quite a lot of flesh!

Liar! - What can I say? She got fat after death! - You're a liar, I know!

But you'll marry her, alive or dead! Brother's word! Hey, let the corpse in!

Alright.

You can save your conscience only with repentance!

Where is he? Ottone!

Please, come in.

So you'd be the alive mother of Patrizia? - Alive, hic! Alive, hic!

No, don't sob, don't worry, you'll see.

The man who seduced you 20 years ago, is ready to repair.

You've made up your mind, at last! How handsome you are!

You've decided to repair! - Me? What have I got to do with it?

I'm not Ottone! Hey, I'm not Zaz�. Stay away! - Zaz�?

The father of your daughter is my brother!

Let's not start again, eh? You've already tricked me once, y'know,

with the story of pretending to be your brother! And I'm not falling for it again!

Don't you remember your red pussycat? Meow! - Pussycat?!

Meow? To me? Are you nuts? God forbid! Don't be offended, but I, with you� No, no!

But now I'm reduced to this!

But when I was the beautiful Lil� Juj�, then, of course, I was your sweetie, huh?

Sweetie? Lil� Juj�?!

You've been a naughty boy, for abandoning me with a baby!

A baby? - Patrizia. - No! Patrizia! But how...

My niece! - No, your daughter. - My daughter would be my niece? My niece would...

So, our daughter would be my brother's daughter!

I mean, would be your brother's daughter!

She is our daughter!

In that case... I'm ready to repair.

Here� - So you will marry me?

Marry? Heavens no, I can't get married, actually.

Then you're married! You have a wife! But I'll make a scandal! Ma'am! Ma'am!

Madam! Now we'll get to know each other!

Stop there! Don't move!

I beg you, stay here a while, calm down. Just a while!

Then I will explain. For God's sake! I beg you! - I'll stay here, if you return!

Yes, yes! Bye!

Well, what's up? Don't play hide and seek, because I won't go away from here!

Lil�, I can not marry you! - Why?

Because I'm already married.

But Patrizia hadn't told me this! - Good morning. Is Mr. Pio at home?

Sure! For you, he's always home. Come in.

It's my superior! Get in here!

I don't want to get in! - I beg you, let's not involve him in these things!

Ah! Sacrilege! A cassock on profane limbs!

Good morning, sergeant. Shall we go?

Mr. Pio, I'm astonished! I'm amazed at you!

You too fell into the mistake, eh?

You too have mistaken me for my brother Pio!

What, what? Pio is your brother? The resemblance is striking!

We're twins, two peas in a pod!

Come in. - Thank you.

Peace, love and prosperity.

So, Father... - Tell me. - No, me, me.

Where is the high prelate who answers for your brother?

Well, where is he? - Yes, tell me.

It's very simple...um, uh... There he is!

Brother, you vouch for Zaz�, right?

Another? But then, with Pio and the wastrel, you're four brothers?

Exactly, monsignor, we're four, for now.

Let's not put limits to Providence! May I, monsignor?

Is it true, brother? - Well, so?

So, we're forced to do much charity.. right?

exactly to deaden the misdeeds of our brother! Excuse me, monsignor.

What's that? You open the register? - So what?

"So what" what? Keep still! Keep still! Close the register! Close the register!

But, Reverend Father! - No, I was saying "What do you do, dear brother?"

And you would allow that our brother

goes to jail for 300 lire? - I don't think so.

But this is the money of Pio! - Ouch! And I pick it!

And when Pio knows about this pick, he'll be happy! Right, monsignor?

See? He nods. - But, brother...

Don't touch the rolls. - Leave it to me.

These three rolls are 100 lire each.

That would be the 300 lire debt of our dissolute brother.

And let's not talk about it anymore! - Ah, for me, I'm satisfied.

These three rolls are for the show. The show? - What show?

The charity show for the poor of my parish.

Indeed, now that I think of it, this half roll for the sexton's refreshments.

No, leave that half roll!

Shut up! Shut up! - Stop!

Well, the wreath is ready? - Not yet.

Make a nice one, it's for my brother in law, poor guy. - Ma'am!

Today this seems an appointment house. - What do you mean? - Yes!

Everyone got appointments with Mr. Pio!

Good morning, Signora Signori. - 'Morning. He doesn't want to talk!

I want to see this daughter! - Where, here? Ask him, who's her fianc�.

No! I'm the husband! - What? The husband of your fianc�e?

No, the husband of my wife. - I am his wife!

You?! Then he's not your son!

Ah! You pass yourself off as my son! I look old, eh? That's what you think?

Signora! - Mama mia!

Don't call me mama! - I meant "Mama mia, what a slap!"

Gentlemen, goodbye.

Please forgive, Monsignor, but you might have guessed,

I think, that it wasn't a quarrel between brothers, no,

but just a moment of euphoria due

to the joy that the donation made on behalf of Pio gave us. True?

Yes. Even in the seminary, we were always joking, like that.

Wait! Wait, Enzo! Count!

621, 622, 623�

Pio!

Pio, but, what happened to you? - Ah, here you are! That's your doing, Baron, right?

Pio? Baron? - The Baron is my brother, Monsignor.

Yeah! Even so disguised, you don't impress me! And you!

Why do you come to this screwed-up house?

How dare you! This is a house of lords!

897, 898�

Dad! Dad!

Dad, why dressed like that? - Service recall. - Dad?

Here's the fruit of my husband's sin with another woman!

Then she's not my daughter!

Daughter! You had a daughter! - She's not my daughter!

Besides my name, he arrogates my children too!

Open up!

Shut up! - Windbag!

A bit of water!

Mom! - My daughter!

My cuddly baby! Let's throw everybody off.

927, 928�

The wreath for your brother. - Give it to me!

Cain!

Don't offend your brother, stinker! - That's enough! - Monsignor!

Monsignor, but the cloth for the Dominicans! - What cloth?

You won't see me anymore in this devil house! - Bravo!

975, 976� - Oh! Poor me!

2,000 meters of white flannel! Oh, my poor house! - Not all is lost!

Ladies and gentlemen, the show will take place anyway,

thanks to the generosity of our backer!

999 � and 1000!

See those beautiful girls! Look, look, look! - Will you let me put on my glasses?

Ah, you wear glasses because you like them! Killer!

Look here! Look here! Look at this! This one. No, look at that one! Those two!

Can I look where where I want? - Yes.

BRAVO! BRAVO!

But, that's the cloth of the Dominicans! - You recognize it?

Did you see the fine clothes? - Who authorized you?

Well, among brothers� - Brothers? - Aren't you my brother?

You took the cloth of the Dominicans...

Pio! - Baron, what're you doing? Stop it!

2016 Translated by Scud. Revised by edam17 & sineintegral @KG - March 2017