Original subtitles

Good morning.

Willie, your Uncle Doug is dead.

Uncle Doug's been dead for two years. I know.

So stop sending him Christmas cards.

Oh, Willie, I want you to see this. Look, here, the very first Christmas

ever got.

From our good friends.

At the gas company.

Oh, that was a good first Christmas, wasn't it? We relaxed, we stayed in bed

late. It was too cold to get up. Our friends at the gas company turned off

heat.

But as I recall, we weren't in any big hurry to get up anyway.

Merry Christmas!

He knows when we're awake.

It's the day before Christmas.

I've hidden all the eggs.

Al, we hide eggs at Easter, not at Christmas.

Oh, that's right.

Christmas is when we carve the pumpkin.

Oh, you two get these holidays straightened out. I think I'll just go

breakfast. Not necessary.

I already made breakfast.

Sloppy Joes and fiberglass.

I'll just go find the eggs.

Why did you make us breakfast?

Because of the lift.

What lift?

Santa. You know, the fat guy that dresses in velvet?

I found out that he watches everything you do, writes it down, and if your

naughties outnumber your nices, you don't get toys.

So, you made us breakfast?

Can't hurt.

Oh, oh, and I've got another surprise for you.

Willie! Our Christmas tree!

Well, what have you done?

I don't want to spoil the surprise.

Alf, you cut our tree in the firewood.

You're welcome.

All right, let me see if I've got this reindeer thing straight.

There's Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid,

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

No, it's Prancer, Dancer, Vixen, Blitzen.

Yui, Dewey, and Louie.

No, those are ducks.

Then how do they pull the sled?

Okay, the lights are ready. Now all we need is a tree. Well, your dad should be

here with a new one soon.

What's taking him so long? Oh, you know your father. He has to find just the

perfect tree.

Well, I hope he makes it back before it snows.

It's gonna snow?

Me! No, it's not.

Sure it is.

It always snows at Christmas.

I saw it on TV.

All the stuff floats down and covers the whole town and people go sledding and

make snowmen.

Then Santa slides in on a rotary shaver.

Alf, it doesn't snow in this part of the state.

Wait a minute.

I saw snow on Mr.

T's Christmas special.

And they tape in Burbank.

Alf, that was fake snow.

Well, that's it for Christmas.

Alf, it is possible to have Christmas without snow.

I don't want to talk about it. Let's move on to New Year's.

Mom, I found another egg.

Oh, Al, who said you got them all?

All but that one, I swear.

Here's one more.

And the one in the philodendron.

Oh, hi. I'm sorry I'm late. Hi, Dad. What's on the box? Hi, honey.

Where's the tree? Where's the tree? The tree. The box.

Let me just explain.

Why are you holding eggs?

Didn't you get a tree?

Oh, no. I mean, yes. I mean, yes.

Let's start with a simple question.

What's your name?

Please let me try to explain this my way.

You see, I went to every lot in town. I found lots.

Empty lots.

Except one where this man named Fahid had just this one tree left.

So where is it? He was auctioning it off to the highest bidder.

I dropped out when the price got to $100.

I have my pride.

And we have no tree.

We have a tree. We have a Christmas tree, and it's right here.

Behind the box? It's in the box.

A fake tree.

It's a lifelike simulated tree, yes.

What do you do, just add water?

No, we put it together. Together.

Yeah, it'll be a fun family project.

and it comes with a can of simulated snow.

If you'd gotten two cans, we could have made a simulated snowman.

125. What does that mean?

$125.

That's the price.

Is my math way off, or is that more than you would have paid Fahid?

It's more, but it's less.

I'm talking to Karnak.

It's more now.

But it will be less because, you see, this tree is guaranteed for 25 years.

Now, if you amortize that over the whole period, that's just $5 a year.

So we're going to be stuck with this thing for over a quarter of a century.

When you see it assembled, it'll be fine. You'll see.

I agree. I think a fake tree is fine. And I'm with Lynn. It doesn't matter

kind of tree it is. A tree is just a symbol. Right, Bri?

What's a symbol?

He agrees.

Well, this whole thing stinks if you ask me. Nobody's asking you. Well, I'm not

waiting for an invitation.

First you drop the fake snow on me.

Then you come waltzing in here with this miserable excuse for a tree. May I

remind you it was you who chopped up our real tree? I knew you'd bring that up.

There's people out there singing.

Hey,

you want me to get rid of them? No, no, Alf. They're caroling.

Then why are they singing?

Kevin's out there. Yeah.

And Melissa.

Hi. Can I go with them? Well, I don't see why not.

Let's all go.

Yeah.

Honey, let's go.

Yeah, sure. Let me just... No, you know what? I want to stay here and assemble

the tree. I'll catch up with you at the manger by the gas station. Well, honey,

I... I don't want you to miss the caroling. I'm not going to miss the

No, no.

This tree isn't going to take long to put together, and then we'll all

it when you get back. Okay, we'll see you there.

Okay.

You're really going to let Brian go caroling? Well, sure, why not?

Well, on Melmac, caroling was definitely not for children. How come?

Well, you'd have to know Carol.

Excuse me.

Would you mind some constructive criticism?

Yes, I would.

Why don't you read the instructions?

They're in Japanese.

Then I'll read them.

What does it say in English?

So, you weren't able to buy a real tree.

Just skip the instruction part.

Step one.

Paint the trunk green.

Paint not included.

I think I'll be able to handle this myself.

All right.

You're on your own.

Pretend I'm not here.

Just like I'm doing with that tree.

And look at that.

Four inches of snow in Clayton, Georgia.

Oh, darn. Now I'll let this paper.

Twelve inches in Buffalo.

I should have bought a real tree. It's only once a year. I could have paid the

money. Whoa.

Six inches of snow in the Angeles Forest. Now there's no more real trees.

lots are closed.

The Angeles Forest.

Yeah, they have snow.

Everyone has snow but the tanners.

No, Alf. We used to go there, Kate and I. We used to go there every year to a

tree farm. We cut down our own tree. Alf, that's the answer.

It's only an hour away. I know the exact spot. I can cut down a tree, surprise

the family. Yeah, and they've got snow.

Let's go.

What do you mean, let's?

Hey, you're not going to deny me the one chance I'll ever have to see snow, are

you?

Well, I guess it's Christmas Eve. There's no one on the road. Why not?

Great. I'll warm up the car. I'll just leave a note.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're not warming up the car. Oh, no.

You get the chainsaw. Fill it with gas.

No problem.

What am I saying?

The spot where you used to cut your tree.

Have you been there in person or just in your mind?

We would have found the spot long ago if I'd been holding the map.

This place is barely on the map.

I think we just passed the Donner Party.

We'll find the spot. We'll find it soon.

It's been two hours.

By now, the family will be worried sick about me.

What, do you want to go home?

Yes. I mean, I haven't even seen that snow you promised.

Just mud.

I never promised snow. You did.

Oh, yeah.

You promised trees.

All right.

You win.

We'll turn around to the next road. We'll go home. I'll work on the plastic

until it's finished.

Great. We'll have Christmas in March.

Just tell me where the next road is, okay?

Fine.

All right, there's a road coming up right now. Where?

Up ahead.

Where? There it is now. Turn here quick.

Are you sure that doesn't look like a road? Yes, right here, I'm sure. I'm

positive. All right.

No, wait.

Fine, now we're stuck.

If I'm not home before Santa gets there, I'll sue you.

Willie?

Al?

Anybody?

they? I don't know.

See? I told you this doll's gonna look.

I'm sure Dad hasn't finished with it yet.

I wonder where they are.

Here we go.

Oh, they went to cut down a real tree.

Mom, they've been gone a long time.

They went to McConnell's Tree Farm. You know, we used to cut our Christmas tree

down there every year.

We got lost there every year, too.

Knock, knock.

Guess who?

Mr. Armani.

How is everybody?

Oh, well, actually, we're fine, Trevor. Come on in.

Thanks, Kate.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Trevor.

Gosh, I love this holiday.

Goodwill.

Visiting with the neighbors.

Sharing a little eggnog.

Sharing a little eggnog.

Would you like some eggnog, Mr. Akhmanek? If it's not too much trouble.

I'll get you some.

Heavy on the brandy. I know.

Yeah. Place looks great.

Oh, thank you.

Beautiful decorations.

Stockings hung by the chimney with care.

What the hell is this?

It's a Christmas tree.

I thought it was a coat rack.

Dad hasn't finished putting it together.

So where is the old man?

He's in the woods.

You mean like a religious thing?

Pilgrimage?

Well, he brought home this artificial Christmas tree, you see. So you kicked

out? No, he went to cut down a real one.

In that case, I'll have another eggnog.

Hold the eggnog this time. I know.

Okay,

I put the board under the wheel and I'm going to push. So when I say now, you

release the brake and press the accelerator, okay?

Do what?

Release the brake and press the accelerator.

Okay.

Thank you.

Now, we are completely stuck.

How long till spring?

This is terrible.

Brandon, I couldn't leave.

Yeah, this would never happen to Sonny Crockett.

What? It wouldn't.

He has a car phone.

He can call for help.

I'd love to do that, Al.

I'd love to be Superman. Then I could fly out of here.

Well, now you're being silly.

A whisker for your thoughts.

On Melmac, that's how you get someone to open up.

Oh, I was just thinking about what's being Christmas.

This sounds like it's going to be sentimental.

What if I turn on some music? Yeah, go ahead.

I don't know. Even when I was a kid, I think the most important thing was that

we had that dream.

A real dream. My dad used to bring it home on Christmas Eve, and we all

decorated. The whole family would all pitch in. Me and my brother, my Uncle

Doug.

Incidentally, my condolences.

Oh, thanks.

You know, sometimes there wasn't enough money to buy presents.

But there always was that tree.

A real tree.

We'd keep that tree up until every last needle was gone. I remember one fourth

of July. Mind if I switch on to the ball game?

You just, you don't get it, do you? Sure I do.

I'm just trying to keep from crying.

Let's just sit here and be quiet, okay?

Okay.

Being quiet.

Waiting patiently.

Saying nothing.

How'd your Uncle Doug die?

He was talking too much, and somebody hit him.

Fine. Back to quiet.

We'll just sit here and listen to the mud.

Mother, everything looks so beautiful.

Yeah, I can't wait for Dad to get here with the tree so we can decorate it

together like we do every year.

Nothing is as much fun without him as it is with him. Oh, yes. He's an excellent

husband and father.

Then let's be him now.

I'll get the door.

No, let me.

Why don't we all go?

Merry Christmas, everyone.

What a beautiful tree.

Oh, Dad, it's even more beautiful than last year. Oh, you really outdid

yourself. Thank you. Wherever did you get it?

Bahid gave it to me.

Absolutely free. He's such a nice man.

Now we can decorate it.

Isn't this great?

Two perfect kids, a beautiful wife, a big tree. Could anyone want more?

I agree. It really is a wonderful life.

How could it not be? I mean, it's not like we've got an alien living with us

anything. Why, Dad, why would you say a thing like that?

Oh, I don't know.

Brian, why don't you get the cranberries and popcorn?

I'll get the tinsel. Come on, Brian. Don't forget the star.

Oh, excuse me, dear.

But doesn't the tree lean a little bit too much to the left?

Oh, I don't think so. It looks fine to me.

Well, it's not fine to me. Not fine at all.

I'd better call the tree repairman.

Operator, get me the tree repairman. The tree repairman? I don't think there's

any such thing as a... He's on his way.

Maybe that's him now.

But we don't need any tree repairman.

See, you got a leaner there.

Oh, my God.

It's him.

Kate, don't let him touch the tree.

Relax, pal.

I'll only be a minute.

What are you doing here? This is my dream. You can't be in this.

Whoops. Here, hold this.

Get away from my tree.

Ah, here we go, lady.

I found the problem with your tree.

It's a fake.

You bought a fake tree?

Willie, you should be ashamed.

But it's not a fake.

I mean, it wasn't until he got here.

Look at our perfect Christmas.

It's unraveling.

What's he whining about now?

He bought a fake tree.

That figures.

Why are you dressed like that?

My boyfriends are coming by to get me, so I don't have to help decorate this

synthetic stump.

You're ruining my dream.

I can't fix this here. I'm going to have to take it into the shop.

Bye, Mom. I'm leaving for some unnamed Central American country.

But Brian, I thought we were going to decorate the tree.

Later, Dad. I'm off to stem the tide of communism.

That'll be my lover.

You ready to go, babe?

Don't wait up.

Your tree should be ready around Easter. But call first.

Here's your stuff.

You're not taking my tree.

I want my tree.

I want my tree.

I want my tree.

I want my tree.

I want my tree.

Lighten up, Willie.

You got it.

What's going on here?

Nothing. I just loaded a tree into the car.

Where did you get it?

Think, Willie.

Where do we get trees?

You mean you went out to the woods and cut down this tree for me?

Isn't that what we came here for?

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Well, you better say it quick.

There's a forest ranger headed this way.

He must have heard the chainsaw.

Well, at least we're going to get help, and we're going to get home, and...

We're going to get fined.

Willie! Willie, look!

Snow. Snow!

I finally get to see snow!

You in there. I want to talk to you about that tree.

Merry Christmas, Al.

Merry Christmas, Willie.

Yes.

This is great, Brian.

It's for giving eye exams, right?

No, you look into it and push the button.

It's Sylvester and Tweety.

Ha! Die, cat, die!

Yeah! What a great Christmas.

Yeah, and we ended up with a really beautiful tree.

It should be.

It cost me $367, what with the fine and tolling. A small price to pay for

keeping a poor boy's dream alive.

What are these presents for?

Oh, I almost forgot. A few tokens from the old Alfer.

Well, you got us presents?

Al, you can't shop.

This is America, Kate. Everybody can shop.

I used a catalog.

A catalog? From where?

The Hardware Hamlet. My account.

Who else?

Sal, look.

A staple gun.

Need a leaf blower.

I hope that's the kind you like.

Goodness. A rotary sander for me.

Weather stripping.

My, my.

It is the thought that counts.

And the important thing is we're all together.

In the words of the immortal St. Frosty the Snowman.

God bless us all, everyone.

Christmas!