Original subtitles

Yo, Kate, where do you keep your casserole dishes?

Why? The cat won't fit in the toaster.

Never mind.

I'll make a peanut butter sandwich.

Where's the blender?

Try it without the blender this time.

And don't get hair in the peanut butter jar.

Rules, rules, rules.

Yes, that's the answer. San Diego.

Fine, what was the question?

Where should we go on our vacation?

I'd say we should go to San Diego. Oh, San Diego sounds fine to me. But what

about Al? You don't have to check with Al.

That's where we're going. San Diego really does have something for everyone.

It's not just an empty slogan.

I mean, what are we going to do with Al?

SeaWorld. Brian will love that.

They've got the new killer whales they're in. And look, look at those

Lynn will have a great time.

What about Al?

I'm sorry.

Did you say I should get hair in the peanut butter or I shouldn't?

Just toss it out.

The hair or the peanut butter? Both.

No problem.

Why don't I believe that?

Oh, my gosh. They're having a Shakespeare festival.

Willie, there's hair in our peanut butter.

Love boat. Bernie Capel.

Flying hamlet.

I said, what are we going to do about... Grease fire!

Grease fire!

Ow! Oh, no. Oh, no.

Never mind the curtains. Put me out.

Thank you for this food that you've set before us tonight.

And once again, thank you for sparing our kitchen.

Amen to that.

Let's eat.

There's hair in this tuna fish.

I like it.

How come I didn't get any hair?

We ran out.

That's exactly what I'm going to do. May I please be excused? No, no, stay,

Lynn. That's the end of the hair talk.

I want to talk about what we're going to do on our vacation.

Why is that the end of the hair talk?

Because that's the end, that's why.

We've changed subjects.

We're talking about our vacation.

I thought we decided.

San Diego.

It has something for everyone.

Well, your mother and I, I mean, Kate and I, have talked about this, and we've

decided...

We should all stay right here.

At the table?

No, no.

But in the house. Or around the house.

Around the house?

Well, we can go out outside.

Do we get to cross the street?

People thought instead of going somewhere far away and different, it

more fun to stay home where things are not so different and do pretty much the

same things we do every day.

I think you sold them, dear.

No sale here. I think it bites wind.

Ow! What? That's not hair talk.

Let's just get back to this vacation thing, all right?

Yeah, I think we should talk about it. How come we're not going anywhere?

Did you lose all your money?

Been playing the ponies, haven't you?

If you want to know the truth, you're the reason we're staying home.

Why? We missed you.

Pourquoi?

Because you're an alien.

We're dropping the French? We're dropping it. No problemo.

Why can't we take it off to San Diego?

Because the minute we check into a hotel, somebody's going to call the

Or the National Enquirer.

And obviously we can't leave you home alone. You proved that today.

I suppose that's a reference to this kitchen thing.

You did start that fire, and then you watched TV while Kate and I put it out.

didn't think it was a three -man job.

The point is...

We're going to have to spend this vacation at home.

I feel terrible.

I ruined your stove.

Now I'm ruining your vacation.

I'm worthless.

I'm garbage.

I'm canal water.

I bite wind. Al, you haven't ruined anything.

Except our stove.

And our vacation.

Well, I can't live with that. You people are going on vacation without me. I

don't see how we can.

Pen me in the yard.

Where I won't cause any damage.

Chain me to a tree.

Put me in a kennel.

No, Al. We're not going on vacation without you.

I agree.

There's got to be some place we can all go.

Before we gloss over this kennel business... Okay.

Maybe if we went deep into the woods where nobody would see us.

Out of the mouths of babes.

We can rent a motorhome. We could go to some secluded campground. That's a great

idea.

Let's give it a shot. It could be fun.

Singing songs around the campfire.

Eating pork and beans out of a tin can.

Being together 24 hours a day.

Learning to accept each other's little idiosyncrasies.

So the kennel idea is dead?

No. Okay, fine. We'll go camping. What do we need?

We need pork and beans.

Repowerment. If one of those bottles should happen to fall, one bottle of

on the wall. One bottle of beer on the wall. One bottle of beer. If one of

bottles should happen to fall, no more bottles of beer on the wall.

One more time.

A thousand bottles of beer on the wall. A thousand bottles of beer. Come on,

Mom. Sing with us. I don't know the words.

Hey, Willie.

Keep your eyes open for a clean gas station.

I'm going to need to make a pit stop.

Again? I can't help it. It's all this singing about beer.

Hey, Lynn.

You want to spit out the window with me?

Maybe later.

I'll spot you ten feet.

No thanks.

I'm going to write a letter to my boyfriend.

How about you, Kate?

I don't know how to spit.

Come on, it's easy.

No!

All right, don't get your shorts in a knot.

I guess I'll just moon some state troopers. Make way here.

There'll be no mooning!

Boy, you call this a vacation?

Hey, Chief, how about letting me take over the controls a while?

You don't know how to drive.

I drove through the cosmos, didn't I? You crashed into our garage.

You see any garages out there? Come on. No, no, no. Somebody can help me.

Dear

lass,

day number two and it's still raining.

I think we're in hell.

Please rescue me.

Is it just me, or are the walls closing in?

You know, I really think the rain is going to stop.

Yeah, bound to stop sometime.

You've been saying that since we docked.

Let's just make the best of it. How about a game of Chinese checkers?

I'm tired of Chinese checkers.

Yeah, we're tired of Chinese checkers.

How about gravel?

I don't know.

I was bored.

When I'm bored, I eat vowels.

Well, there's always charades.

I don't like charades.

I always feel like everyone's watching me.

What does everyone want to do?

It's your call. You're the one who dragged us here.

You guys really are a bunch of negative Nellies. Yeah, we're trying to make the

best of a less than perfect situation and try to find something that we can

do together.

May I suggest San Diego?

No, you may not.

Now, look, I know things haven't worked out exactly as planned, but when you

have a lemon, You make lemonade.

What lemon? What are you talking about?

I'm just trying to tell you there's more than one way to skin a cat.

You've been reading my recipe book.

All right, let's do something.

Everybody into your coats and hats. We're going on a hike.

Oh, I'm ready.

This looks like fun. That's the spirit. Let's go, huh?

Who cares if we get a little wet?

That's easy for you to say. You're not 98 % hair.

Now, look here.

We can sit here and complain, or we can go out there and enjoy ourselves.

I'm going to sit here and complain.

Fine. We'll see you later.

Welcome back.

Chips and ladders, anyone?

Well, I'm going to set up the barbecue. Anybody hungry?

You're not going out there.

I'll cook under the awning.

You need some help bobbing for firewood?

One more word out of you, and you're not eating with us.

Right. Let the alien starve. I think the alien could skip a meal. It might be a

new experience for him.

Uh, how would you like your hamburger?

Medium rare.

Hold the lightning.

How would you like to be 50 % here?

a different person when you're on vacation?

I'm just trying to make this vacation fun.

How? By drowning us? By trying to give a positive attitude.

You might do that yourself instead of complaining all the time. Please.

Well, not everyone enjoys spending their vacation in a rainforest.

We're in this rainforest because of you.

I vote we go home. You're not voting on this.

Call the newspapers.

Democracy is dead.

Do you want to go home? Go.

No one's stopping him. Dad! Stand at the door! Willie!

You want me to go? I'll go.

Fine, go!

Fine. I'm going.

Alf, don't!

Sorry, Brian. I have my pride.

Alf. Come on, Alf. You're not really going.

I'm out of here.

I'm history.

I'm going to die.

Where could he be?

Is that him?

No.

I think that's just a rotted tree stump.

One,

two, three, four.

Oh, no, I slipped on the chute. Well, I'll just have to start at the

Dad, how can you play at a time like this? Alf is all alone out there. He

be caught in a bear trap.

And it will be getting dark soon, really.

Maybe we better call the police.

No. To be a missing person, you'd have to be missing for 24 hours.

And be a person.

Shoot.

Another shoot.

Well, this isn't my day.

It's not Al's day either.

Yeah, we want Al's death.

Just don't try to make me feel guilty about... Sending him out to die. Asking

him to leave.

Anyone else would have done the same thing?

Not me.

Not me.

Not me.

All right. Where's the wolf repellent? Oh.

Yay, Dad!

Remember, Dad, it doesn't work on bears.

Oh, thanks.

Honey, I want you to be very careful. Yeah. You're all right. Give me a kiss.

Okay.

I love you, Daddy.

So long.

Anybody home?

I'm coming in.

I'm in.

I'm looking through your cabinet.

Yikes!

Oh, Oreos.

My kind of people.

Oh, it's your fault.

Hey, look here. You know,

you really are an idiot.

I mean, I had that rabbit right in my sights, and then you scare him away with

that sound you were making.

It was a rabbit cough.

Rabbits don't have a call.

How do they get each other's attention?

Don't talk to me.

Rabbits have a call. If you don't believe me, look it up.

Would you look at this? I mean, you're always leaving the cookies out. We're

going to get ants.

I didn't do that.

Well, who did?

Maybe some animal got in here or something.

Right. Some animal who just happens to be partial to Oreos.

What was that?

I think we have a burglar.

A dead burglar.

Cover me.

It is an ant.

It's an ugly little sucker.

I think it's a dog.

That's no dog.

Yeah, it's one of those expensive dogs. I've seen pictures of them. I think Cher

has one.

Now, that's one of those weird animals from Australia.

Yeah, sure. Then how did it get here?

Don't you know anything?

The continents used to be connected.

That is the stupidest thing you ever said.

Well, look it up.

You know what that is?

It's an anteater.

Are you sure?

Yeah, and it's against the law to shoot anteaters.

What are you talking about?

You can shoot anteaters.

I don't care what he is. I'm going to take him out and butcher him.

Why do you always get into all the butchering?

Because you usually end up mutilating all the good meat.

I'll get the chainsaw. You make the salad.

That guy ordered me around too much.

Oh, yeah. You're getting the short end of the stick, all right. I hear you.

I do hear you.

You're talking.

A talking anteater.

Yeah, listen, you should get even with that guy. May I suggest a murder

-suicide?

You're really talking.

Yeah, I'm talking. Let's get past that.

Well, I never ate anything that talked.

Well, my cousin's cockatoo.

Alf!

Alf!

Hey, hey, Earth to Yokel, focus in here, all right? I'm not an anteater.

I'm a magical creature of the forest.

If you release me, I'll grant you three wishes.

Wait a second. You're not a magical creature. You're just an ordinary

anteater. Well, look it up.

Hey, Artie.

This anteater talks.

What? Yeah, but don't listen to a word he says. He's tricky.

I think he's from the city.

We've got to get you a woman.

Maybe it's a talking rabbit.

Hello. I'm sorry to bother you, but have you seen...

Anything unusual in the area? I know that's a very general question, but if

you've seen what I'm referring to, I'm sure you'll know what I mean. And if you

haven't, well, there'll be no point in taking up your time with a long

explanation.

Who's this?

Some guy with a run -on sentence.

Alf, oh, Alf, oh, Alf, thank goodness that we were...

So worried. Look, I'm sorry about what happened. Are you okay?

Did he get lost?

Oh, obviously, I don't expect him to answer.

I do.

Well, thank you. Thank you for finding our... Ant, either.

Come on, now.

Come on. Come on, boy. We gotta go.

Now, wait just a minute.

How do we know he's yours?

Look at the way he's hugging my leg.

So what? I had a dog who did that to everybody.

I don't know what kind of proof you want, but Alf belongs to me.

Possession is nine -tenths of the law.

That's right.

He's half -armed.

Look, Alf is coming with me, and that's that.

Did I mention the generous $50 reward there is for finding out?

A 50 each?

No, no, 25 apiece. Oh, well, I was going to say. Shut up.

That's 50 apiece.

$100 is ridiculous.

Ridiculous of me to say no.

All right.

Nice doing business with you. My pleasure.

I'm telling you, that thing can talk.

Can't believe those guys can talk.

What was that?

I thought I was going to take him for a walk.

I'll hold. You're 25.

Oh, thanks.

Alf.

Alf, I think we'd make better time if you let go of my leg.

Just a little longer.

I've been through a traumatic experience.

Did I tell you how much I appreciate you saving my life?

Yes, you did, Alf.

Did I also tell you that I think you're a credit to the human race?

Over and over.

Did I tell you I think you got us lost?

We're not lost.

Yeah, I think we've been walking in circles.

That's because you've been holding onto my leg.

Well, anyway, we're lost.

We're not lost. We're going the right way.

No, I'm pretty sure we should be going that way. No, that is the way back to

camper. No, that's the way back.

To the camper.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

All right.

Oh, what the compromise?

Let's go that way.

No! No, no, that's where those guys live.

You got it. I'm going to return you, get my $100 back.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

That is the way back to the camper.

Whatever you say.

All aboard!

There's more rain, Lucky.

Rain again.

Rain from another angle.

I took that one.

Hang on, Lucky, we're just getting to the good part.

Al, we've seen these dozens of times.

Yeah, we have, but I haven't shown them to the Lochmeister.

Here I am after Willie rescued me from what I'd like to call the cabin

that dripped blood.

Here I am kissing the floor of the motorhome.

Here I am kissing Willie.

Let me tell you, I got more of a response from kissing the floor. Ha!

Ha! Oh, yeah, only kidding, my man. You saved my life. Stand up and take a bow.

Come on. Oh, he's modest. I love that. All right.

Here I am lighting the barbecue.

Here's the motorhome going up in flames.

Here we are coming home by bus. That's me in the duffel bag.

Here I am being chained to a tree before the family took off for San Diego.

Hey, no hard feelings.